Choose Your Shepard Correctly:

One of thse choices is correct. Here's a hint: She's the best.

Far be it from me to tell you the right way to select your Commander Shepard…but I really don’t know how to finish that sentence. If you’re looking for the greatest chance of enjoying yourself, don’t view Mass Effect whatsoever like a game where you can create you yourself in the game. The character appearance creator isn’t fantastic, and nothing could be worse than getting an hour into the game and realizing that your Shepard looks like derp. Firstly, pick one of the presets and then just change the hair color to suit you best.

And by pick a preset, I mean pick the female preset. Mass Effect is a series best played through as a female Commander Shepard thanks entirely to Jennifer Hale’s amazing voicework. Go ahead and give the girl a go, and strongly consider going all Renegade for this as that’s where the most interesting dialogue choices crop up.

Alright, I’m not really going to tell you to just pick a Shepherd that looks cool and go from there. More importantly is picking a class you can really do some damage with. On my first playthrough, the wrong way, I picked the Soldier class. This will let you upgrade your specialty with all four types of guns, but you get no Biotic powers. Wrong, wrong wrong. Mass Effect is built around these biotic abilities, so picking a class that has none is asking for an uphill battle, or at least a dull pew-pew game.

Instead, pick something like the Vanguard class as it gives you good abilities with the pistol and a handful of strong Biotic powers, such as Lift or Throw (though be aware that the Vanguard class is a bit of an all-or-nothing class that may be difficult in higher difficulty levels). Basically, you’ll want to be able to utilize your abilities correctly, otherwise you’re just going to be restarting from checkpoints over and over again.

Pick your Team and Stick with Them:

Don't mix things up; there's just no need.

Which class you pick for your Shepherd will very much affect how you should structure your team. The game will give you the choice of two for each mission between a pool of six characters and it acts as if the best option is to mix-and-match to see who works best together. This is an extremely poor choice as it will increase the amount of micromanaging you’ll do, the number of guns, armor, and accessories you’ll be carrying, and make it impossible to get the achievements for using specific characters for the majority of the game (if you care about that).

For instance, during the wrong playthrough, my male Solider just grabbed whoever looked like a fun character at the moment. I was forced to stop the game every time I stopped in the Normandy so that I could optimize each character, never really got a good sense of any character’s worth, and frequently found myself in a situation where a tech specialist was needed but found only battle strength.

To make things simple on yourself, pick a team of two and stick with them, no matter what. On my second playthrough I had a team that consisted of Ashley (strong combat skills), and Tali (strong tech skills). You will always want a team with either Kaiden, Tali, or a tech specialist Shepard as you will frequently need to hack doors and consoles in order to get specific things. I can’t tell you how many times I was near the end of a mission, only to discover that I couldn’t open a safe with presumably high-level items just because I didn’t have a team member who knew any tech.

Here are three teams that compliment each other well:

Solider Shepard, Liara, and Kaiden

Vanguard Shepard, Ashley, and Tali

Engineer Shepard, Wrex, and Garrus

Learn How to Specialize:

Are you giving your characters specific tasks? Well you should.

Now that you have your team picked out, do not change them. Ever. Also, decide which guns they’ll be using and stick with them for good. My setup on the smart playthrough had Shepard exclusively using a pistol, Tali exclusively using a shotgun, and Ashley exclusively using an assault rifle.

What this does is eliminate tedious equipment management as you’ll know exactly what sort of weapons and armor to keep and what to sell back. With my team, I knew I could always sell Turian and Krogan armor as soon as I got it, sell all of my sniper rifles, and sell all of the extra add-ons that didn’t immediately improve upon what my characters already had built in to their guns and armor. By the time I was hardly a third through the game, I had enough money to buy absolutely anything I ever encountered, my team’s weapons and armor were insanely powerful, and somehow Tali was firing rockets from her shotgun. I don’t know how, I think just because she was so happy I wasn’t bothering her with pointless item management.

With every upgrade to my team, I knew that Tali needed to be strongest with tech, Ashley needed to keep doing her thing, and Shepard needed to increase her Biotic abilities. I was able to survive most encounters just by simple tactics and sending characters to their assigned task of disabling (Tali), constant fire (Ashley), and high-powered assaults with Biotics (Shepard). Speaking of which…

Use Your Abilities Constantly:

The Asari are monsters in Biotic combat. Don't let that go to waste.

While a simple reason for using your abilities comes down to unlocking achievements for doing so, I learned white a lot in terms of how effective constantly using abilities actually is. Mass Effect’s abilities work like any standard action RPG in that they can be used and then have a cooldown time relative to their strength. Dumping skill points into an ability will make it more powerful, but that alone isn’t enough. Determining how to effectively spam your attacks in a rotation will go a long way toward making you a real beast in combat.

For instance, my Vanguard Shepard would hit a strong enemy with Lift, causing them to hover in the air completely helpless for a period of time. While this was happening, I’d pump pistol shots into said enemy until the Lift period stopped or he died. If Lift hadn’t cooled completely, I’d use Adrenaline Boost and reset my cooldown times, meaning I could use it again, instantly. Liara’s Singularity is also ungodly powerful for stopping enemies in their tracks and letting you pull off shot after shot.

Search Like a Pro:

Wrex will search for your fear. And he will find it. And he will crush it.

Once you’re out and about, you’ll probably get the urge to find more and more items in order to continually get stronger and stronger. If you’re like me and you can’t stand leaving any area unchecked, you’ll want to take advantage of the game’s generous targeting reticule. You’ve probably noticed that it will help you aim your gun and adjust your line of sight, but if you haven’t been paying attention, you might have missed its other feature: pointing out items directly in front of you.

What I mean is that if an item, say a security safe or something, is directly in front of you in a straight line, your targeting reticule will point it out, even through some walls and other things obscuring it from view. This allows you to scan a room or an area a bit easier as you can discover something across the room that you wouldn’t have thought to go hunt for. Snagging every piece of equipment you can get your hands on will overall just make the game simpler since weapons and armor are found at higher and higher levels, so you’ll want to keep on the hunt no matter where you are.

And that’s really all you need to know to succeed in the first Mass Effect. Take these tips into consideration and you’ll be a tough spaceship commander to deal with. However, none of this applies to Mass Effect 2. Perhaps you should come back next week to learn how to pulverize the further adventures of Commander Shepherd.

10. Vegeta Doesn’t Actually Have a Heart:

"I'm so sad...there were so many people i still wanted to kill..."

One of the most impactful moments of the series has to be Vegeta’s (first) death. Instead of a moment of bro rage, like his second sacrificial death, he’s taken a severe beating from Frieza and knows he’s going to die. Goku arrives on the scene and instead of just saying, “Go get ‘em,” Vegeta begins openly weeping as he explains why he, and all Saiyans, are the way they are: Frieza gave them no choice but to be bloodthirsty killing machines. In a fit of tears, Vegeta lays it on the line and begs Goku to finish the fight because, essentially, Vegeta was a scared little boy who was kidnapped from his father.

And then Vegeta comes back and he’s overjoyed at the thought of getting to fight with the pew-pews and the Saiyan Pride once again. In fact, within the first five minutes of resurrection, he’s threatened Earth, mocked Goku’s inevitable death on an exploding planet in front f his son, and generally been a real D-bag. So Vegeta opens up and says he’s only bad because Frieza gave him no other option, and now that Frieza’s dead he remembers, oh yeah, he loves being an evil SOB. Speaking of which…

9. Vegeta Dooms Everyone Because He’s Impatient:

Pff, thinking is for losers. Besides, I still have more people I want to kill.

None of the characters of the show really think things through in the long run, but none fewer than Vegeta. He’s so in the moment that he forgets some critical and obvious details, such as what letting a super power villain become even more super powered would actually mean, or believing that because his power level is higher than his opponent at this one second, there couldn’t possibly be any way for that to shift dramati- OH GOD HE POWERED UP A LITTLE BIT MORE I’M DOOMED!

Vegeta’s flip-flopping costs everyone a whole huge headache during the overall Cell Saga as he has two separate chances to end all their problems. First, he could have fought Dr Gero and destroyed him immediately after blowing up Android 19, but he didn’t mostly because he felt it would be more fun to see what Android 17 and 18 would be like to fight. And then he gets beaten stupid and everyone gets mad at him. Luckily, Vegeta gets a chance to train in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber (let’s not get into how huge of a plothole that is) and returns so powerful that he can beat Cell in his second form without a contest. Except Cell convinces Vegeta to let him achieve perfection, thus giving Vegeta a real challenge.

What makes no sense here is that even the simplest of idiots can remember that in less than a day, Goku (that’d be Vegeta’s arch rival and constant one-upper), would be coming out of the same training even strongerer, and best yet, he’d totally love to fight Vegeta in a no-holds-bared sort of match. Only with Goku, there’s no risk of something really bad happening should Vegeta lose the match. Nope, Cell’s offer was too tempting and Vegeta fell for it. It’s not like, you know, everyone around him keeps getting stronger and stronger and new villains keep showing up all the time…right? At least Vegeta was always ready for a fight, unlike…

8. Gohan Suddenly Loses All Interest to Fight:

"Knowledge is the real power!"

A lot of the series paints Gohan as the main protagonist rather than Goku. Gohan has a real training arc in the Saiyan Saga, displays a lot of heroic qualities on Namek, and then finally manages to surpass his dad’s strength and save the Earth by the end of the Cell Saga. Peace is restored; Gohan has succeeded in being strong like his dad and following in his footsteps.

And then he just stops caring. Once immediate danger is gone, Gohan figures, “Meh, this fighting thing’s boring now.” Just like that, all training stops and he starts studying again. For a character who’s supposed to be really smart, this sure is a dumb thing to do. I mean, if anything were to happen and the Earth would need saving once more, it’s not like Goku’s alive and can just fix it. The whole point of Gohan’s awakening in the Cell Saga was to teach him to take up his dad’s role and save the world should evil threaten it again. Goku’s dead, Trunks has returned to the future, and Vegeta certainly doesn’t have the noblest ideals. And wouldn’t you know it, evil does threaten the world again and it becomes apparent that Gohan is far outclassed. It’s like these Saiyans don’t understand the show’s lore…

7. Saiyans Don’t Understand Their Own Anatomy:

"Weird guys, I keep getting stronger after nearly killing myself over and over. Must be the push-ups!"

There are two main things the Saiyans know about themselves before the whole Super Saiyan Sitcom that the show becomes. Raditz explains to Goku, very clearly I might add, that Saiyans can transform into giant apes during a full moon, something that Goku then witnesses firsthand when Vegeta transforms later on. We also learn from Vegeta that Saiyans get stronger after every battle, win or lose, and that a Saiyan that heals from near-death feels his power greatly magnified each and every time.

Entire plot points hinge on this fact, such as Goku training relentlessly in his spaceship on the way to Namak, beating the hell out of his body and healing repeatedly, only to arrive on Namek to own the Ginyu Force as a result of this huge power spike, or when Vegeta has Krillin blast him through the chest and then makes Dende heal him so that he could potentially stand a fighting chance against Frieza, or when Cell regenerates from his explosion and is suddenly a match for Gohan’s Super Saiyan 2 form. Yeah, that bit of anatomy is rather useful, isn’t it?

It’s too bad then that no one knows what to do with it. A smart man would see this problem and determine that the absolute best strategy in any situation that allows for extended periods of training, such as the three years before the Androids’ arrival or the magic year in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, would be to have two Saiyans beat the ever-loving hell out of each other, rest for a bit to heal, then do it all over again. And if no senzu beans are readily available, the tech is there to make rejuvenation chambers. Perhaps this would make the plots pretty basic, sure, but all this does is show that these characters are too stupid to figure out really good training regiments, even after already doing them. Maybe they don’t feel like they need to train anymore because…

6. Super Saiyans? No Problem!

"No! You're lying about Santa! You have to be!"

Remember how it was a big deal when Goku transformed into a Super Saiyan? Remember how it felt when a mysterious youth arrived on earth and transformed into a Super Saiyan before killing Frieza? Remember how amazing it was when Vegeta found the inspiration to transform in order to fight the Androids? Remember how Gohan struggled to become a Super Saiyan and then ascend to a Super Saiyan 2? Remember how Goten and Trunks just felt like becoming Super Saiyans one day? Yeah, awesome…

The magic of the Super Saiyan transformation isn’t so much that it’s just cool to see your favorite characters get stronger and explode into a shiny golden thing. No, the treat is to see their breaking point and have them backed into such a corner that they have no choice but to transform or die. That’s why the transformation is cool. Goten transformed because he was sparring with his mom. Trunks transformed because he wanted Vegeta to take him to the park. No magic. No mystery.

With this element lost, it becomes a real question of “Why?” If Goten and Trunks can just transform, does that mean that all children born from a Super Saiyan parent can just transform? Well, no, because Vegeta wasn’t a Super Saiyan when he impregnated Bulma with Trunks, so that doesn’t work, and then their second child, Bra (I don’t remember her US), isn’t capable of transforming at all. So what makes Goten and Trunks so special that it just happens for them? Nothing, the plot just wanted to speed things along. Oh well, it’s not like there’s a benevolent deity helping these things along…

5. Heaven Really Couldn’t Care Less:

"Sure I could help you save the universe. Or I could look at some boobies. Why haven't you got me some boobies to squeeze since I've bene talking to you? I'm god you know!"

The Buu Saga is all about how rules were meant to be broken and that the gods of the spiritual realm really don’t give too craps as to what’s going on in the mortal world and specifically Earth, the planet where the greatest galactic threat is resting, just waiting to be resurrected. When the Supreme Kai finally steps in to try and stop Babidi from resurrecting Majin Buu, he’s flabbergasted that Goku, Gohan, and Vegeta are all so freaking strong. It’s cute to essentially see God amazed by the Saiyans’ power, but then you remember that it doesn’t make any sense.

According to Supreme Kai, he’s been following Babidi’s spaceship around, hoping to catch him before he has a chance to bring Buu back to life. But we know that Buu is sealed up on Earth, so either Supreme Kai just forgot that important detail, or he’s just plain stupid. I’m going with both. If you were in a battle that resulted in the god of gods getting eaten and somehow managed to get the evil creature that did the eating all sealed up and safely tucked away, you’d probably make a note of that, wouldn’t you? Or at least check up and see if the evil space wizard you just killed had a son or something that could eventually resurrect the monster, right?

What makes this worse is that Goku’s unbelievable power isn’t a mystery to the Other World as he’s competed in a tournament and is training with the strongest warriors of all time where each of them is amazed that he already outclasses them despite only being dead for a few weeks. That would raise a few eyebrows, or at least it would if the gods cared what was going on. Oh well, at least they don’t have to worry about time travel…

4. Does Trunks Understand How Time Works?

"Frick! Doc! Help!"

Future Trunks is one of my absolute favorite characters of the series, partly because he’s one of the few who cut through the BS and say straight out, “We need to kill these guys to stop them from killing EVERYONE!” He’s cool because he’s lived in a world where the worst-case scenario has happened and he’s the last one alive, so he can impart his knowledge to the past and see if it helps. I mean, it doesn’t, but he can try at least.

Except, he doesn’t really understand how this whole time travel business works. When he arrives in Timeline A (the main series’ timeline), the first thing he does is reveal that he’s a Super Saiyan and then kills Frieza. He does this because he knows that Goku’s still two hours away and thinks that if he doesn’t step in, Frieza will destroy the planet. Though answer me something: If Trunks didn’t show up in Timeline B (Future Trunks’ timeline), but none of the Z Fighters were killed and Frieza was dead…who must have killed Frieza? Yet Trunks knows when and where Goku will arrive down to the second, a prediction only made accurate if Trunks had killed Frieza in his own timeline as well.

To make matters worse, Trunks doesn’t seem to think about staying in Timeline A long enough to go find Dr Gero’s lab and killing him long before the Androids arrive or are even built. Rather, he opts to skip ahead three years to when the fighting starts and then realizes that everything’s all wrong, but this leaves no time to then go kill Dr Gero anymore. The reasoning behind Goku not agreeing to track down Dr Gero three years early is because he feels that’s unfair, but Trunks is coming from a different perspective where he wouldn’t see it nearly the same way. Hey, and speaking of Goku’s reasoning there…

3. Goku’s Morals Make No Sense:

Phew, thankfully Goku didn't go get Dr Gero before he had a chance to blow up a city and stick a hand through Yamcha's stomach. At least now we know we got the right guy.

As I just mentioned, one of the Z Fighters makes a plan to find Dr Gero three years before the Androids attack and stopping him right then and there. Someone points out that they don’t know where Dr Gero is located (even though Bulma is standing right there and does in fact know where Dr Gero’s lab is located), to which someone comes up with the brilliant idea of summoning the dragon and have him locate Dr Gero’s lab. That’s when Goku says, for no good reason, “No, he hasn’t done anything wrong yet.”

First off, Dr Gero only builds the Androids because Goku destroyed the Red Ribbon Army, which Dr Gero was very much a part of (he’s retroactively placed in the role as their chief scientist, but whatever). As a kid, Goku had no qualms about killing each and every enemy that stood in his way, including the Red Ribbon Army’s top leaders. He’s seen firsthand the terror that the Red Ribbon Army caused, so his notion that Dr Gero “hasn’t done anything wrong yet” is outlandish.

Secondly, and as I just pointed out, Goku didn’t used to have a problem killing anything that stood between him and his goal. He’d kill monsters, fry animals that tried to eat him first, and even kicked a grenade back into Mercenary Tao’s face (that’s murder and you know it Goku). Goku spared Vegeta’s life, but that was because he wanted to fight him again. He then spared Frieza’s life because he was making a point and…wanted to fight Frieza again. Deciding to spare Dr Gero is rationalized so flimsily that I’m surprised his friends didn’t mutiny right then and there since they’re always the ones near death. Oh that reminds me…

2. Where Did the Senzu Beans Go?

See that little jar full of beans there? Am I the only one who rememers that? Tell me I'm not crazy!

The biggest and most necessary deux ex machina of the series is unquestionably the mighty senzu bean. Shaped and sized like a lima bean, a single senzu bean has the ability to heal you back to 100% power even when near fatal, including mending broken bones and injuries as severe as holes in your stomach and necks being shattered. They truly are wonderful things, and you’d think the Z Fighters would have a near-endless supply just floating around somewhere.

Well, you would, except they only get just enough for the plot to be full of “tension.” Each time Korin appeared in the series, he’d give out a few more senzu beans but never quite enough to completely heal everyone when the time arrived. He’d mention that he only had a few left and that growing new beans took time, but it was never really clear how low it took to grow more beans. Everything was just sort of left to the imagination there, and we sort of had to deal with it.

That is, until we remembered seeing a jar stuffed with senzu beans in the middle of Dragon Ball. When Yajirobe first makes it to the top of Korin’s Tower, he gorges himself on senzu beans, not realizing that a single one can keep you full for days. Since then he hasn’t shown a real affinity toward them other than just being Korin’s assistant. The real question here is: What happened to the hundreds of beans in the jar? The characters couldn’t have eaten more than maybe 30 throughout both series, so do we just assume that Yajirobe ate all the other ones? Or is Korin growing special beans to account for the new power levels? It doesn’t make any sense with the story, but then again…

1. The Creators Couldn’t Decide What Tone They Wanted For DBZ:

Ah dang it, he looks so happy. Why must you make me feel like a jerk?!

Akira Toriyama is a fantastic character designer. Chrono Trigger is a Game You Should Have Played, as are all of the Dragon Quest games. Dr Slump is hilarious and lighthearted, and Dragon Ball Z remains one of my favorite series ever, purely for the nostalgia factor. But it’s apparent after getting about half way through DBZ that neither he nor anyone else helping with the story knew what sort of tone the series was supposed to have.

For those unaware, “tone” is the overall feeling the story conveys. Dragon Ball was predominantly a comedy and had a very satiric, upbeat tone. Bad guys were typically silly, jokes were intermixed into everything including fights, and plots could be resolved with the most ridiculous things, such as Oolong stepping in and wishing for a pair of panties instead of Pilaf getting control of the world, or the special containment jar meant to hold King Piccolo being a rice cooker. Even the fights themselves seemed more ready to be satire of the usual kung fu dramas that were so ingrained into Japanese culture, what with combatants inventing new moves left and right.

But when transitioning to Z, the tone got changed drastically to that of a serious action show, and for the most part, everything through the end of the Frieza Saga does a good job of balancing the action with the comedy. But then everything just keeps breaking down harder and harder when we’re expected to care about characters dying and getting wished back, villains blowing up cities and planets, and actual serious character development getting so high and mighty that you aren’t sure what you were supposed to be feeling.

Goku and his gang are cartoon characters, completely and utterly, but then half way through their story we’re expected to care about them on a whole new level and have to see them act serious. This would be like seeing Elmer Fudd blow up the forest and then Buggs Bunny has a serious monologue to Daffy about how everything’s changed. No, not gonna fly. So many holes cropped up in the plot thanks entirely to DBZ’s creators shrugging and saying, “I don’t know, this was a comedy, right?” So many things could have been resolved with simple lampshading, but alas, DBZ is stuck as a relic of the past.

There, I think I’m finally done with the problems in DBZ. I seriously can’t think of a single plothole left. But, I bet you can, can’t you? Feel free to leave a comment and tell me about a plothole I missed. Or go ahead and tell me why I’m wrong with these current ten. I mean, it’s not like I’ll actually take it seriously or anything. After all, I was raised on DBZ.

Yup, I bet they are. Now let's battle!

Something I’ve always been surprised about is how Nintendo/Game Freaks have yet to capitalize on the TCG craze like they used to. Yes, the cards are very much still around, but while the physical cards were enjoyable, I found the most fun with the TCG for the Game Boy Color. It was so simple, essentially collecting a handful of the TCG cards at the time into one game cartridge and adding tons of AI opponents to play against. This was wonderful for me as a kid because I couldn’t really find people to play against in real life, so it was a brilliant solution.

But we’ve only had one TCG video game, and since then nothing. There’s got to be a market there, so why no new entry? At the very least, the Pokemon TCG is alive and well on the Internet, of all places, and registering is something I highly recommend doing as it’s free and opens up a nifty watered-down version of the Game Boy Color game, to a point. I’ll explain in a moment.

The first thing you’ll notice is how you can create your own avatar, which is par for the course when it comes to online games these days. Once you’re decked out, you can pop on over to some tutorials with a rather upbeat scholar of Pokemon cards and learn everything you’ll ever need to know to play the game. The dialogue and voice work here isn’t amazing, but it’s also not bad whatsoever. I kept reminding myself that this was a tutorial/game meant for the youngest of players, so with that in mind all I can say is the voice work is perfectly sharp and the tutorials aren’t overbearing to the point of frustration. A few refresher courses never hurt anyone.

For instance, quick refresher: That punk Sandshrew is about to be raqwked by my Bayleef.

It wasn’t until I dove into the single player aspect of the game that I started to see the cracks and the glimmers beneath the surface. The basic challenge pits you against 12 opponents in a leaderboard where defeating one will unlock the next. Once you take out all 12, you unlock a new leaderboard of 12, then another, and I’m not sure if there’s anything past that. Right from the get-go you have the option between three basic decks that you can switch between whenever you’d like. They are just basic Fire, Water, and Grass decks, but they’re not the worst. They’re also not the best.

What it took me a bit to understand (and unfortunately for how good the tutorials are at teaching you to play the game they’re terrible when it comes to explaining the interface) is that there are another half-dozen or so specialty decks you can unlock, but the way to unlock them is by buying the physical, real world decks and using a promo code found in the box to unlock them in the online game. So for me, that meant I’m using the loaner three decks.

For being simple single-energy decks, they’re not terrible, but the ability to customize your deck is entirely removed. You are at the whim of the computer presets that determine what our decks are comprised of, and only by beating the first 12 opponents with each deck can you unlock it to your collection of cards, which can be used in multiplayer.

Hooray for unlocks!

I’ll come back to multiplayer, but first I want to talk about that single player challenge some more. The AI never gave me any problems and usually functioned as competent opponents. The only glaring problem is that most, if not all games were little more than the luck of the draw. Every game seemed to play out by sheer chance as both my opponent and myself are optimizing hands perfectly, but who wins is decided entirely by luck. I’ve had games that last to a nail-biting finale, and a lot more that are over in three rounds or less.

This is more a complaint about the card game’s basic mechanics more than anything, but without the ability to customize my deck to best suit my needs, it really is all chance. If I draw three strong Pokemon, a couple energy cards, and a heavy evolution right away, while my opponent only has one active Pokemon, there’s a strong chance I’ll win pretty quick as long as he doesn’t draw another Pokemon to place on his bench. I don’t particularly feel like a brilliant tactician, but more like an opportunist taking advantage of a good hand. Were I to have the ability to form my own deck, victories would taste sweeter and defeats would sting more harshly. That is sadly not the case in the single player challenge.

Furthermore, the computer has decks that contain dual-types instead of my Podunk single-type decks, so it can put up a much bigger fight, usually only losing due to a bad draw on their part. They also seem to have some utter beasts ready to evolve right away, particularly the Fighting decks. Nothing’s more frustrating than a computer opponent that’s evolved a super powerful Pokemon in the first two moves, proceeding to then wreck your @$%& for the rest of the very short game.

I'm usually on the other end of an Arcanine reaming. Quite happy when I unlocked the card for my Basic Red deck instead of getting blasted in the second turn with BS.

However, these losses aren’t the end of the world, and after unlocking all three basic decks, your collection should have Fire, Water, Grass, and the standard Electric deck as well, allowing for a much deeper ability to customize. Plus, by unlocking those three basic decks, you’ve had a chance to see which Pokemon work best and which just aren’t worth the trouble. What you haven’t been able to do, though, is see which typing works best joined with one another. That will have to come during the multiplayer part it seems.

The greatest bit I’m upset about is the fact that Pokemon TCG Online isn’t on the 3DS at this moment. I would gladly pay upwards of $10 for this free online feature to migrate over to the 3DS as a download. It wouldn’t even need any major tweaks aside from some navigational overhauls (which the online version needs anyway). It’s apparent we’re not getting another dedicated TCG release on a system, but a boy can dream.

For what it is, the experience is enjoyable. Matches go extremely quick, even online, so it’s a fun game to just flip over to and play during a break session. And hey, for free, you can’t go wrong. I highly recommend it, despite the relatively broken game system. Now, go be the very best young Trainers you can be! May the luck of the draw be on your side!

You're darn right, Mick. Now go get a real job and stop challenging my superior luck abilities.

Hulk sad. Hulk also most powerful warrior ever.

Back before the events that lead into Avengers Disassembled, the Hulk had been responsible for quite a bit of damage in Las Vegas, causing the Illuminati- a group consisting of Iron Man, Doctor Strange, Professor X, Namor, Black Bolt, and Mr. Fantastic- to decide Hulk is far too dangerous to keep on Earth. They concoct a plan to be rid of him and trick him into a spaceship, making him believe he’s the only one who can disable a rogue satellite. Once in orbit, the spaceship blasts out of our galaxy and a video recording informs Hulk that he’s just too destructive. As a last resort, they’re sending him to live peacefully on a deserted planet.

Flash forward and Hulk finally crash lands. The twist is that his ship has veered off course and headed through a wormhole, so instead of a peaceful, uninhabited planet, he lands on planet Sakaar, a gladiatorial planet with constant battling. Immediately after landing, Hulk is enslaved with an obedience disk and sent into combat in gladiator matches, mostly for the amusement of the Red King.

Now, those who understand Hulk lore, there are a few things that you’ll probably understand by this situation. Hulk’s power comes from anger, so the angrier he becomes, the more powerful he gets. He just crashed on a war planet after being tricked by those he trusted and then forced into bloodsport, so take a guess how mad he is. Then hold on because his rage is only going to get bigger for a while.

Fancy meeting this guy here...

Hulk quickly forms a warbound pact with a group of warriors consisting of a mish-mash of aliens, shows that he’s outclassing everyone in all the matches, then heads into battle against an enslaved Silver Surfer. After breaking the Surfer’s obedience disk, Silver Surfer breaks all the slaves’ obedience disks, allowing things to switch from the movie Gladiator to something closer to Braveheart.

A hefty portion of the story involves Hulk’s warbound fleeing from the Red King and his forces, messing them up when need be, all while being chased by Caiera, the Red King’s best lieutenant and apparently quite a Xena-style badass. Everything leads to an encounter with a bunch of spikes, things that cause horrible mutations if they stab someone. When Caiera tells the Red King about the spikes, he informs her that he’s the one responsible, causing her to switch sides and pretty much fall in love with the Hulk.

It should be noted that I’m shrinking the timeline down significantly here. The planet is rooting for Hulk, calling him the Sakaarson and the great hero that shall free them from the Red King’s rule. As Hulk and his warbound continue fighting against the king’s forces, his legend grows and so does his strength. At last, a final conflict occurs with Hulk overthrowing the Red King while at the same time managing to pull the planet back together after an explosion set off by the Red King meant to split it in half.

Let me reiterate that there: Planet Sakaar is hit by a series of explosions meant to rip it into two pieces, so the Hulk leaps into the planet’s core, or someplace near it, and pulls the pieces back together in a glorious moment that only works in comics. And I’m totally fine with this.

You can just assume this is all about manly men being manly men and nod along at this point.

After becoming the planet’s new king, there’s a bit of simple peace where the Hulk deals with life with Caiera as his queen and his warbound at his side. Everything is great and the world becomes prosperous and it seems like the perfect ending.

Then the spaceship Hulk came in explodes, destroying a huge chunk of the capital city, killing Caiera, Hulk’s love and the woman carrying his child, in the process. This, naturally, upsets Hulk quite a bit and he rallies his warbound to him, deciding they’re going back to Earth in order to kill every member of the Illuminati as he believes they’re responsible for blowing his ship up.

And that’s where we leave things for today. The full Planet Hulk saga is easily compiled in one complete collection. Take note, I’m summing this up really quickly, but Planet Hulk isn’t short by any means. It’s a long epic and covers every bit of time that Hulk spends on planet Sakaar. There are fantastic battles and quiet moments with the Hulk wrestling with himself as Bruce Banner, all while his warbound find ways of endearing themselves to the reader, even if they’re freaky alien beings. Bottom line, Planet Hulk is worth a long, gradual read.

Of course, it’s best to piggyback Planet Hulk with World War Hulk, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Come back for the next installment and find out what happens when you kill the love of Hulk’s life. Probably not good things.

Yeah, that was probably a very bad idea.

You ready for one more lap?

An important side note, I read a handful of reviews from other sites, specifically Destructoid, so when Jim Sterling gave his impressions of Mario Kart 7, effectively waggling a disapproving finger and deciding it was underwhelming, my first and only reaction was overreaction, claiming, “Well he just doesn’t like the series! There’s no way he’d give it a 5 out of 10 if he were being fair and actually knew what he was talking about! Hurdy gurdy bur!” This was all internal of course, but now I can say, very politely to Jim, “I disagree…to a point.”

Mario Kart 7 is a fine game. It’s a fine Mario Kart game. It’s a fantastic game for the 3DS and demonstrates its capabilities wonderfully. And it is indeed a franchise that’s showing its age in places, which I’ll get in to momentarily. But before I nit-pick and complain, I’d like to cover what the game did right.

Graphically, Mario Kart 7 again proves that the 3DS looks great and plays smoothly. Everything looks technically sound as you peel around corners and select through menus. The controls are tight and driving feels good. However, as a protip, make sure you’re aware that you can use both the L button and the X button for items. It took me a while to realize that X works just as good, so I’ve had quite a cramp in my hand from holding the system awkwardly.

I keep hearing over and over again that the real stars of the series are the tracks, and once more they don’t disappoint when it comes to new environments, for the most part. The coolest new addition is the use of sectional tracks rather than just circuits, meaning instead of just going around three times, you move through three checkpoints until you cross the finish line, allowing for a much greater sense of variety within the same race. I love that, but it sadly only happens three times. I would have gladly taken more.

This would work in real life...right? Please say yes!

Also new is the ability to hang glide at certain points, a welcome gameplay change that just feels right, plus a propeller that kicks in once you’re submerged that controls slightly differently than the other two kart forms. I found myself enjoying the underwater portions just as much as the rest, though they won’t be for everyone.

Finally, the new items are worthy of the game and mix things up appropriately. There is a fire flower powerup that allows you to hurl a bunch of fireballs at opponents, similar to Mario and Luigi’s signature weapons from Double Dash!!, as well as the tanooki tail, a powerup that takes some getting used to but that fits right in and works great in the harder races where everyone’s neck-and-neck.

But things aren’t all perfect. Despite the fluid controls, fun tracks, pretty graphics, and outstanding online modes (all there is to say about them is that they work just as well as the Mario Kart DS’s online modes worked), there’s a lot to be desired. Mario Kart 7 feels rather short, even though it’s the same length as the other Mario Kart games. It has eight cups with four tracks each, totaling 32 tracks, 17 characters, dozens of kart pieces to customize your play style, six battle maps, and four gameplay modes, but something still feels extremely lacking, and it may be because the title touts the fact that it’s the 7th game in the series.

See, when playing the new tracks, I thought, “These are great, but sadly there aren’t enough to really sink in.” While there are some standouts, such as the aforementioned sectional courses, we still waste time with the usual simple circuits early on or the uninteresting throwaway levels. But then you play the cups that revolve around tracks from past games and scratch your head, asking “Why this one?”

And why can't this tail make me fly?

I’m greedy, but I don’t think it’s unfair to want everything and more. I want a Mario Kart game with every previous track on it, every playable character, every item, every possible bit from the past. Why no more two-player kart action? Why no more bikes? Why only three new battle tracks and three fairly dull returns? Why not more, more, more?

But the biggest, most broken aspect of the games is the Blue Shell. I debated with myself on this one since it’s such a staple of the series, but now it’s just become a problem. Leading a race way out in front is not enjoyable because you become such a target for cheap shots from the computer. You’ll be absolutely killing in a race, zooming past the competition and just playing great, when all of a sudden you’ll hear the painful sound of the Blue Shell flying to get you and you’ll just get annoyed because there’s nothing you can do to avoid it short of stockpiling a Starman powerup, which you’ll never get if you’re in 1st place.

I get that the purpose of these super items is to allow other players a chance to catch up, or give you the ability to really stick it to the computer in the event that you’re losing, but the Blue Shell, the lightning, the Bullet Bill, all happen far too frequently to really feel like a hail Mary. Instead, they just come off as the computer punishing you for playing well. Nothing is worse than closing in on the home stretch, only to be blasted by a Blue Shell, then hit by lightning, then bumped off the track by other racers, and ending up going past the finish line in last place when you’ve been solid in 1st the entirety of the race. That’s broken and it should have been fixed by now, or at least given the option to turn it off.

That may be the heart of what I want here: I want a Super Smash Bros of Mario Kart. I want the ultimate compendium with races, battles, challenges, and full player control. I want options to nix certain items, or even build custom courses. When will we get that game? Perhaps not for a while, and that’s a shame.

At least there's more motion controls, which is what we were hoping for...

To cap this off, I’ll give you a rundown of the order I place the Mario Kart games. Way out in first is Mario Kart DS, followed closely by Double Dash!!, then Mario Kart 64, Mario Kart 7, Mario Kart Wii, Super Mario Kart, and finally Super Circuit. I suppose that means I’d place it right smack-dab in the middle of things then, huh? It’s not the best, it’s not the worst, it’s just there. Mario Kart 7 is a placeholder until something better comes along. Here’s hoping we won’t have to wait forever.

Don't let that nose fool you; Link is a stone-cold badass here.

I got Skyward Sword at the end of November as a birthday present and since then I’d expect to be utterly finished with it, what with it being a month removed from my first getting it and it being a highly-anticipated Zelda game. And yet, for some reason I’m not playing it tonight. To be frank, I haven’t played it for over a week, and I’m not even half way through it yet. Instead, I took a two-week diversion to replay Zelda II on my 3DS thanks to the Ambassador Program.

For a Zelda game, the plot is actually somewhat original compared to other entries. Not only that, but no Zelda game since has replicated the gameplay style. Instead of the top-down perspective seen in the original Legend of Zelda or A Link to the Past, Zelda II is an action sidescroller. Link gets an item in each temple, but it can’t be used other than on the overworld map to break boulders or see in caves. The items are actually just pretty unimportant other than a means to access the next temple.

The whole game here revolves around a very simple combat mechanic. Link can stab with his sword while standing or crouched, plus can learn an upward and downward thrust attack. Beyond a few basic magic spells (you’ll get really friendly with Heal pretty quick), that’s about all you’ll need to know, but mastering the combat is a trip that’s vastly rewarding.

And you'd better master it quick or you're going to get rawked.

It’s all based on the risk/reward system, perpetuated even more by experience points. For the first and only time ever, Link can level up, thus getting more health, magic, or sword strength, but in order to level up you have to earn enough points before running out of lives. Lose all your lives and it’s game over, meaning you lose all the experience points you haven’t banked. So then, should you press your luck and fight through some Darknuts in the next temple, or play it safe and level grind in the woods on weaker enemies?

Going back to that plot, things are kind of strange here. Ganon is dead and only makes an appearance if Link gets a game over as Ganon’s followers are trying to resurrect him using Link’s blood. I mentioned how dark that was a while ago, yes? Okay. The point is, there isn’t even an ultimate villain that’s trying to kill Link or threatening the land. Princess Zelda, the original that the legend is based on, is asleep and needs to be awoken via the Trifoce. Link has the Triforces of Power and Wisdom as collected in the previous game, but the Triforce of Courage awaits him at the end of this one. Stranger still, Link doesn’t pick up a new piece or gem or medallion or anything when he beats a temple. Rather, he places a stone into a statue, effectively making this the only Zelda game of knowledge where the point is to leave the temple with less than you took in.

I really like the idea of the whole game not being a quest to defeat a boss character, but an extended metaphor for showing courage and conquering one’s own dark side. The clencher is the final temple known as the Great Palace, probably the single hardest Zelda dungeon ever designed due to the sheer brutality of it all. After slogging through the toughest enemies of the game, you finally reach the bottom and fight the terrifying Thunderbird, the guardian of the Triforce of Courage. Upon destroying it, you move into a room where a little man, possibly the Old Man from the first game, separates you from your shadow. And Dark Link is born! The fight is unbelievably difficult, especially after just coming from a boss fight and the death march through the Great Palace (unless you know the trick of crouching in the corner and stabbing at his knees).

Trust me on this one: The combat is solid and if you're dying too much, it's your own fault. And because Zelda II is stupid-hard.

Only after defeating his literal dark side can Link possess the entirety of the Triforce and awaken Princess Zelda. Think of the annoying fetch quest for the Triforce shards in The Wind Waker but elongate it into the entire story and remove the annoying fetch quest part. Making the plot essentially feel like a side quest from another Zelda game actually makes this more enjoyable for me since it’s so far outside the norm. Hey, variety is good sometimes.

Seeing as how this is an NES game made by Nintendo, you have more than enough methods to currently play it. If you don’t have access to the original cartridge, which itself is easily found for under $10, you can download it from the Wii’s Virtual Console, try and find it on the GameCube’s special Legend of Zelda Collector’s Edition disc, snag it on the Game Boy Advance, or most recently unwrap it via the 3DS’ Ambassador Program (perhaps you’re a member and just haven’t downloaded Zelda II or played it yet). So many ways to play it, no excuse not to.

And that’s really all there is to say. It’s a challenging title since it was built back in the days of Nintendo Hard, so don’t expect to get very far without some basic skills and a walkthrough. Beyond that though, don’t miss out on this gem just because you keep hearing it’s the “bad” Zelda game. It’s not. It’s one of the better Zelda games. Now Phantom Hourglass, boy, there was a bad Zelda game. Discuss.

Nintendo’s Heavy Hitters

It was pretty clear which titles Nintendo was leaning so heavily on this year.

The hardest part about rounding up everything for the Wii, 3DS, and DS systems this year is that Nintendo really didn’t try to outdo themselves whatsoever. Yes, there are some big exclusives, but overall things felt a little…barren. The year has now finished with Skyward Sword, Super Mario 3D Land, and Mario Kart 7, but other than Pokemon Black and White Versions on the DS in March and perhaps Ocarina of Time’s remake during the 3DS launch, there hasn’t been anything to really go on about.

Still, I should give the briefest summaries of the largest titles, starting with Skyward Sword. I’m up to the third dungeon and finding myself hard pressed to find time to play, not necessarily because I’m too busy but because my motivation to play is low, thanks entirely to Fi, the constant tutorial system that’s brought the game down from a solid recommendation to a cringe-worthy affair. Don’t misunderstand though, the game controls wonderfully and looks fantastic, but being forced to hold the game’s hand for so long, despite being a seasoned vet, is painful.

Super Mario 3D Land is an entirely different story. I can’t recommend it enough for Mario fans, platformer fans, or people with a 3DS and no clue why it’s so great. Super Mario 3D Land proves that the 3D function of the 3DS can truly be something special and walks that perfect line of fun and difficulty. As a Mario fan, I was able to complete the game 100%, but I know that such will not be the case with many other players. If you don’t have this game by now, then you must not have a 3DS.

Mario Kart 7 is much he same. I’m still waiting to get my copy, but that’s only because I had to wait until Christmas since there was a high chance someone was planning to get it for me. The consensus out there is that if you’re not tired with the Mario Kart formula, then Mario Kart 7 is one of the best games in the series with some of the absolute best tracks and an enjoyable hang gliding mechanic, whereas if you’re not really a fan or want something more advanced than Mario Kart DS, you’ll be disappointed. I loved Mario Kart DS and want its excellent wifi multiplayer back with a simple handheld game, so I’m set. Judge for yourself accordingly.

Pokemon Black and White Versions turned out to be predictably good and yet stagnant as always. I found myself sinking my teeth in once again and really finding a connection with some of the new faces, but still, it felt like the same old song and dance that we’ve seen before, and yeah, I’m getting too old to be catching them all again. Give me a new incentive, one that doesn’t require trading with half a dozen other versions and waiting for event-specific Pokemon to complete the central driving force behind the game. Still, I discovered that Black and White Versions make great companions when on exercise bikes. At this point exercise bikes should just come with Pokemon installed in the handlebars.

The Quieter Releases

Does it make me boring to actually like this game?

It’s not all high profile games with Nintendo, but the smaller, quieter titles are quickly forgotten in the rush of things. For instance, Kirby’s Return to Dreamland, a great return to form for the franchise at last, has all but been forgotten now that the rest of the holiday releases have arrived. Kirby fans decided that Return to Dreamland was a nearly perfect game, and after playing the demo at PAX I can easily see why they’d think that. It’s fun, the controls are tight, and there’s flawless drop in/drop out multiplayer.

A title that’s been getting hammered a bit though is Fortune Street, a game I played at PAX and actually really enjoyed. The easiest comparison is to Monopoly, though add in Mario and Dragon Quest characters for good measure. Criticism has been leveled stating that the game is slow, boring, and looks shoddy. I disagree on all accounts, mostly because it’s not like Fortune Street is being billed as a competitor to Skyrim or Skyward Sword or something like that. If you love Monopoly and the concept of trading property and stocks, then yeah, you’ll absolutely love Fortune Street. If you’re looking for an engrossing single-layer experience, then you’re just being stupid.

And speaking of Dragon Quest, the DS got the remake of Dragon Quest VI, wrapping up a string of really great remakes from the Super Famicom era. I just recently acquired the title for my birthday but haven’t had a chance to plow through it yet, though it’s high on my list since it’s a gorgeous game that shows how to do sprite work on the DS, all while being a solid RPG, as the pedigree would suggest.

Launching the 3DS

The sooner you attach Ocarina of Time to something, the sooner I'll be pleased.

Nintendo’s only big stumble this year has been the launch of the 3DS. Billed as a revolution to the handheld market with 3D capabilities and graphical power that competes with the GameCube, Nintendo decided to go with a $250 asking price, a move that, combined with a pitiful launch library, resulted in abysmal sales to the point that every gaming journalist was quick to ask, “Is this the end for Nintendo?!”

Well, no, it wasn’t. After listening to customer complaints and realizing bold action was required, the price was slashed to $170, which is when I grabbed it. However, those who bought the system before the official price drop day were given a bonus in the form of the Ambassador Program, essentially giving early adopters 10 free NES games and 10 free Game Boy Advance games. The NES games were pretty standard with Super Mario Bros, The Legend of Zelda, and Metroid standing out as some of the better titles, but it was the GBA list that made me most happy with titles like Wario Land 4, Fire Emblem, and F-Zero: Maximum Velocity.

Ocarina of Time’s remake is perfect in essentially every way, and Star Fox 64 3D is a near-identical recreation of the N64 original with the added bonus of the 3D graphics. Between those two, Super Mario 3D Land and Mario Kart 7, I’d say the 3DS has a pretty strong launch year library with a perfectly accessible price point and tons of great games expected in 2012, such as Kid Icarus: Uprising, Paper Mario 3D, Luigi’s Mansion 2, and Animal Crossing 3DS. I’m happy, so why aren’t so many others?

Why I’m Still a Nintendo Fan

I really doesn't take much to make me happy, and Nintendo knows this.

It all comes down to one simple program: Club Nintendo. In a time when just about every single game company is struggling to find a way to cut out the used games market and force gamers to buy new, Nintendo is the only company that’s thus far doing it right, all thanks to a simple concept. With most games, I’m punished for purchasing used. With titles on Nintendo systems, I’m rewarded for buying new. See the difference? Subtle, but effective.

Let me explain a bit better. If I were to purchase Battlefield 3 for either the Xbox 360 or PS3 used, I’d be unable to access the multiplayer features without buying a pass that unlocks them, whereas if I bought it new I wouldn’t have to worry about features being absent. Inversely, when I buy Mario Kart 7 this week, I will get a code that can be entered at my Club Nintendo account for coins, which can then be saved up and redeemed for items such as Wiimote holders, decorative fans, Game & Watch games, Mario-themed washcloths, amazing poster sets, or most recently, select games appearing on the Virtual Console and eShop marketplaces. At this moment I can snag the original Super Mario Kart on the Virtual Console for a cool 100 coins, or roughly two Wii games worth of coins (a poster set is 400 by the way, of which I have three).

I can’t stress enough how effective this simple tactic is to encourage me to purchase my Nintendo games new every single time. If there were a similar rewards system for Sony or Microsoft or individual companies, I’d be hard-pressed to buy used ever again because I love incentive programs. To my knowledge, only Nintendo has figured out this reward over punishment concept. Funny how that works.

Besides just loving Club Nintendo, I’ve found that I love my 3DS. I haven’t had an issue with the battery because I do a lot of my gaming in small bursts in bed, at the gym, or just hanging out. Sure, on a long trip I’d be frustrated, but I’m not enduring any long trips with my 3DS (and can’t due to motion sickness). I’m having fun with my system, and already I’ve bought two (soon to be three) killer games for the system, quickly beating my DS’s first year lifespan. That actually makes it more useful to me than my DS thus far.

Looking Ahead to 2012

Of course I'm already setting money of to the side; like I wouldn't?

Nintendo’s lineup for next year on the 3DS looks promising, as I’ve already mentioned, but their Wii showing is nearly nonexistent. Rhythm Heaven is lovely and Xenoblade Chronicles will come out to underwhelming sales (prove me wrong, you know it’ll have a terrible launch), but beyond that what is there to look forward to?

Oh right, the Wii U, Nintendo’s next console. The controller looks pretty crazy and the system is supposed to be Nintendo’s first HD console, but beyond that we don’t know anything else besides a launch window of possibly right around E3. As usual, I’m cautiously optimistic, so we’ll have to wait and see if another risky console gamble pays off.

And that’s it for Nintendo. There’s a lot to love here, but it’s Nintendo, so sometimes it isn’t obvious right away why they’re still in business. But enough from me, what are your thoughts? Did Nintendo have a good year? Or are they indeed doomed? Go ahead and leave a message while I go snag Mario Kart 7 really quick.

Let’s Think Deep: The Great Zelda Schism:

There’s no better place to start than one of our original Toy-TMA Originals, a column of Let’s Think Deep, our longform opinion pieces. We’ve done a lot over the past two and a half years, but one that I felt really proud of was “The Great Zelda Schism”. In it, I get a chance to pontificate on a topic I’d previously been unable to express, specifically why there’s such a divide among Zelda fans between the art styles and what they mean. This leads into one of my favorite reviews ever…

Gonna Take You For a Ride: A Review of Spirit Tracks:

Before we had the regular segment called Bad Games That Should Have Been Great, I encountered a pair of games that for one reason or another really frustrated me. The first was God of War III, and the second was Spirit Tracks for the Nintendo DS. This review, filled with righteous nerd anger, would be the basis for many more articles to come, and something about this stream of consciousness, annoyance-fueled tirade brings me back again and again. However, not everything is terrible…

Hot Wheels, a life long friend:

Brian, our usual Friday writer, is not only a great writer and produces some of my favorite articles, but he’s also one of my favorite partnerships online. He’s consistently brought a wonderful contrast to the things that Gus and I typically write, and fresh perspective is always fantastic.For instance, I had a passing fancy with Hot Wheels, but Brian understands them inside and out, quite literally. Getting to read his writing on Hot Wheels and what they mean in his life is really something quite special, and I wouldn’t disregard it so easily.

Crash Bandicoot, A Retrospective:

You can’t speak about passion without bringing Gus into the mix. Over a year ago I asked Gus for a guest piece and since that fateful day, Gus kept sending me article after article, even if I didn’t ask. I was delighted to bring him on as a fulltime writer, currently filling the Monday spot perfectly with his raw enthusiasm for every subject he touches. For instance, I’d highly recommend reading through his (currently) 4-part Crash Bandicoot retrospective as it will most certainly make a fan out of you. After his Crash Team Racing article, despite being a diehard Mario Kart fan, I was seriously considering switching teams. Do not underestimate Gus’ resolve for a good argument. Speaking of which…

Top 10 Misconceptions of Avatar The Last Airbender:

Gus spent over a year trying to convince me to give Avatar The Last Airbender a chance, and for some reason I refused to listen. Now that I’ve seen the show, I can safely say that it’s one of the best things ever aired on TV, but with that comes a love that demands argument, and in comes Gus’ list of 10 misconceptions from the series that I honestly couldn’t help myself from debating, leading to a counter article from my end. When the smoke had cleared, Gus’ original article had more comments and thus was declared the winner. However, this debate may rage on for some time elsewhere, such as No Right Answer, but that’s to be decided another day. But hey, winning isn’t everything…

How To Lose With Dignity:

Sometimes I just can’t resist a good humor article in the vein of Dave Barry, and so I’m so glad that I took the time and wrote a few guides on important subjects, most noteworthy “How To Lose With Dignity”. It’s an important skill but one that few people possess. All the same, I felt that my writing was strong and the humor flowed perfectly here. It really makes me wonder why I don’t do more How To guides more often…

Let’s Think Deep: Books and Games:

I can’t mention my favorite Toy-TMA articles without eventually mentioning my wife, Sharayah, seeing as how she’s one of my favorite writers, for clearly biased reasons. Joking aside, her Let’s Think Deep piece titled “Books and Games” is a wonderfully written article about the connection between books and video games, specifically how the two worlds relate to one another. She describes how the ideology of a hardcore gamer and the ideology of a hardcore reader don’t necessarily differ that greatly, as well as how the two media excel in different areas. So yes, we can be literary here beyond just talking about toys and video games.

Comic Book Club: Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld:

One of our past writers, Cassie, was great about offering another new voice among Gus and I ranting and raving about our favorite video games and cartoons. She covered a wide variety of toys that I’d never have thought of, such as creepy celluloid toys or some strange robots, but it was a Comic Book Club article of hers that jumped out at me. Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld is a comic book that I’d previously never heard of, but after Cassie described it I started to wish I had a greater knowledge of the source material, or at least had a younger sister that had been into comics. I’m a sucker for a good story, and Amethyst has all he elements of an interesting world. Learning about people’s past isanother big favorite of mine, hence why we have…

Halloween Costume Quest: Doing Halloween Costumes Like a Champ:

Another of Brian’s amazingly unique articles, this time regarding his history with homemade Halloween costumes, something we probably all have memories of. Not only does he take a stance that I fully endorse- that of the importance of putting forth some effort with costumes- but he shares with us some old home photos as well. Ever wanted to see Brian dressed as a train conductor? Or Macho Man Randy Savage? Well, now you can! There’s just something fun about articles written specifically to tie into a holiday, for instance…

Seven Tragic Video Game Love Stories:

I wrote this one this year to coincide with Valentine’s Day and felt extremely pleased with the results. I thought I had a good variety with a few people might not have considered at first, and best of all, it was timely! And original to our site! And well…it didn’t go as viral as I would have hoped. Perhaps part of this was because while I submitted this to Kotaku’s tip email in hopes of getting on their weekly Top 5 of Top 10 Lists, I didn’t make it, though some other list that seemed veeeeeeeery close to mine actually did. Thus is life sometimes. Every now and then when I feel lonely, I take a look back and remember some of those love stories again. But if there’s one article I look back the most fond out, it’s…

5 Things From DBZ I Wanted To See But Didn’t:

Nearly one year ago I wrote up yet another Dragon Ball Z list and initially thought nothing of it. I just wanted to talk DBZ, so I wrote a list to get my fix. However, the writing felt good, and more importantly, the images seemed to work so very perfectly at last. Part of this article’s special place in my heart is a simple fix I had made that ended up going a long way. At the time, there was a problem on our site where images wouldn’t stay centered, so I discovered that by making sure the images were the exact width of the article, they’d appear centered and by association make the article look more professional. And the result, now rendered irrelevant thanks to our spiffy new site design, was great. Not only that, I was on fire with the captions, a feat I can rarely replicate. This was a turning point for the site and sometimes when I need to remember why I enjoy writing for Toy-TMA in the first place, I stop here for a visit.

Of course, these articles aren’t the only ones that I enjoy, reread frequently, or would consider my favorites. No, there are far too many to list! So I want to hear what some of your favorite articles are instead. What have you enjoyed reading these past few years? What sort of features do you want to see more of? What can we do to serve you better? And fallow Toy-TMA writers, feel free to make a list of your own! It’s Christmas, so let’s look at the fond memories and continue on, shall we?

Merry Christmas one and all from Toy-Too Much Awesome!

We're a good bunch here, and here are some of the best things we've produced for your enjoyment.

Games You Should Have Played:

The concept is simple enough. Take a game we’ve played and loved and tell other people why they should also love it. This feature began with Ocarina of Time and is still ongoing. What new Games You Should Have Played can you expect to see? Super Mario 64 is demanding a write-up, as is Twilight Princess and Act Raiser. Look for those in coming months.

Super Mario Sunshine

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask

Beyond Good & Evil

The Sly Cooper Trilogy

Batman NES

Golden Sun: The Lost Age

Tomb Raider 1 & 2

Golden Sun

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Donkey Kong Country Trilogy

Resident Evil 4

Earthbound

Bioshock

Mega Man 2

Final Fantasy III SNES (VI)

Super Mario Galaxy

Super Mario Bros 3

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Bad Games That Should Have Been Great:

Take the concept behinds Games You Should Have Played and reverse it. These are games that are misguided in some tragic way, becoming examples of a great concept or lofty promises being released with as a final product that leaves much to be desired. What other Bad Games That Should Have Been Great are in our future? Hard to say, but No More Heroes has a lot to talk about, so keep an eye out for that one.

Pokemon Battle Revolution

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles

Metroid: Other M

Smash Bros Spinoffs

Turtles In Time: Re-Shelled

Star Fox Adventures

Fable II

Dead Rising

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

God of War III

Resident Evil 5

Retrospectives:

Sometimes there are series that demand a full talk or an older toy or game that we really feel needs to be looked at again in further detail, mostly from our personal perspective. That’s where our retrospectives come from. What’s up next for a retrospective? The Star Fox series has been asking for the spotlight, and thus it shall soon be retrospectified.

Model Trains

Stuffed Animals

He-Man

Return of the Jedi Battle at Sarlacc’s Pit board game

Waterworks

Brian’s Memories with Hot Wheels

The Game of Life

Mille Bornes

My First Diecast Car Convention

Wrestling Toys

Origami animals

Remote controlled envy

X-Men Under Siege Board Game

Marvel Legends Action Figures

Mighty Muggs

Rainbow Brite

Vintage Robot Toys

Pictionary

Creepy Celluloids

Blokus

Blokus Spin-offs

Spy Web

13 Dead-End Drive

Yahtzee

Poker

Nerf

-Extended History

Mr. Potato Head

-Extended History

Smash Bros: A Retrospective

Super Soaker

PEZ

Paper Airplanes

Origami

Puzzle Retrospective

My Little Pony: A Retrospective

Guys and Dolls: A Male’s Retrospective Of Barbie

Cereal Toys Retrospective

Apples to Apples Retrospective

Backyard Toys

Tonka Trucks Retrospective

Games Pieces Do Not Actually Talk: A Guess Who? Retrospective

Creating My Own Sagas: Dragonball Z Action Figures

Guide to Collectible Star Wars Action Figures

Go Green Machine! A Ninja Turtle Video Game Retrospective

More to Catch: Pokemon Toys Retrospective

Twenty Years and Still Going: A Simpsons Retrospective

Sweet Memories of Childhood Cars: A Matchbox Retrospective

The Glory of G.I. Joes: A Retrospective

The Privileged Childhood: A Power Wheels Retrospective

Still Leading The Way: A Hot Wheels Retrospective

Just Don’t Panic: A Retrospective on Catch Phrase

Like Capture The Flag With Bombs: A Stratego Retrospective

The Plastic Wars: a Retrospective on Army Men

All Out War: A Risk Retrospective

A Retrospective on Trivial Pursuit the Board Game

Victory Never Tasted So Sweet: A Candy Land Retrospective

That Cluedo That You Do: A Retrospective on Clue the Board Game

I Am Scattegories and You Can Too: A Scattegories Retrospective

Computers Must Be Stopped: A Short Chess Retrospective

The Yo-Yo and Why You Should Have One

Build Yourself Some Fun: a Brief LEGO Retrospective

Get Out of Jail for Free: A Brief Monopoly Retrospective

Video Game Retrospectives:

Rare: A Retrospective

Metroid: A Retrospective

My Pokemon Team Over The Years

Zelda: A Retrospective

-Part 1

-Part 2

Crash Bandicoot: A Retrospective

-Part 1

-Part 2

-Part 3

-Part 4

Mario: A Retrospective

-Part 1

-Part 2

-Part 3

-Part 4

-Part 5

-Part 6

-Part 7

-Part 8

Let’s Think Deep:

Our long-form discussions, Let’s Think Deep is a forum for us to discuss issues that we’re feeling regarding whatever we feel needs to be thought deeply about. What is currently up for Deep Thought? The future of gaming is  a big topic, probably appearing sooner than later. Be watching for that.

Books and Games

Nintendo Explained By a Lifelong Fan

The PSN Blackout

You versus the world

The Download Conundrum

Wii Regret

I Get Your Genre: First-Person Shooters

The Mind of a Fanboy

Kinect and What It Means

The Great Zelda Schism

The Used Games Dilemma

The Virtual Utopia

The Moral of the Story

Rethinking Remakes

Achieving Perfection

Motion Controls In Games

The Perfect Video Game

What Makes a System Good?

Dante’s Inferno and It’s Place In The World

Articulating Articulation

Schrodinger’s Zelda

Tips From a Grandmaster:

We like to think we’re professional gamers here, but we’re not. Still, every so often we come across a game we feel mastery in to a level that has us begging to share our wisdom. What games will we discuss next? Smash Bros and Mass Effect are showing strong indicators of getting a full Tips article, so be ready for those.

Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island (Part 1)

Super Mario Bros 3

Super Mario Galaxy 2

Batman: Arkham City

Comic Book Club:

Video games aren’t our entire world, even if it feels that way some months. We’re big on comic books, so much so that we want to share some of the comics that have really stood out as examples of stellar work. What Comic Book Club books will be selected for the future? Certainly Batman Black & White will make an appearance, as will the masterpiece manga Akira, plus the Marvel Current Continuity Retrospective needs to be resolved, so stick that on your radar and check back for their arrival on the list.

Marvel Current Continuity Retrospective:

-Avengers Disassembled

-New Avengers

-House of M

-Marvel Civil War

-Marvel Civil War Aftermath

Usagi Yojimbo #141 (Issue 200)

Avatar The Last Airbender, The Lost Adventures

The Walking Dead

Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld

Jack of Fables

Fables

Omega the Unknown

Stitches: A Memoir

Scott Pilgrim Book 6

Ex Machina

Superman: Secret Identity

Chickenhare

Scott Pilgrim Books 1-5

Bone

Marvels

Authentically Awesome Anime (Triple A):

Gus came up with this a while ago after he decided that we talk about anime but not nearly as much as we should. Therefore, Triple A came about. What’s likely to appear? FLCL will be there soon, as will Akira and Samurai Champloo, so watch for those.

One Piece: New World Review Part 1

One Piece: New World Review Part 2

Digimon Tamers

Death Note

One Piece

One Piece 500th Episode

Samurai 7

Pokemon, the First Three Movies

GTO

Gurren Lagann

Transformers Prime

Dragon Ball Z

Page To Screen:

Gus started another brilliant segment a ways into this last year that really struck a cord with me where we cast the live action version of an animated property, though we haven’t touched on it since. That will change soon! Expect us to cast a live action version of Akira (the right way), Dragon Ball (the right way), and even Pokemon.

One Piece Part 1

One Piece Part 2

Casting for a Live Action Movie

Forget-Me-Nots:

Kyle starting this one, being an article aimed squarely at a toy from our past that we want to talk about. Not just any toy, but our toy, our specific toy that is ours and no one else’s. What can you see us taking a trip down memory lane with next? Perhaps Z-Bots, but that’s an article for another day.

Yu-Gi-Oh Cards and Anime

Pokemon Trading Card Game

Video game board games

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Figures and Zords

Chutes and Ladders

Mutating Michelangelo

Halloween-Turned-Toys!

Tie Fighter Computer Game

Lone Ranger Action Figure

Daredevil Action Figure

TMNT Pizza Power Board Game

1987 Ghostbusters Firehouse

How To Guides:

Sometimes we get the chance to cut loose and dispense advice. This is one of those times. Here are all the times we’ve given you advice on the important things in life. Coming soon: How To Create Video Games.

How To Do Nothing

Doing Halloween Costumes Right

How To Create Your Own Hot Wheels

8 Frequently Asked Questions About The Power Rangers

How To Survive Black Friday

How To Lose With Dignity

How To Operate A Touch Screen Properly

How To Game Correctly

Game Rentals: The Poor Man’s Guide

The Dragonball Z Technique Guide

How To Beat Your Friends In Board Games

Lists:

This is the Internet in 2011. That means a fair number of lists are expected and to a certain degree required for a website to go on functioning. What lists are coming up soon? Keep a look out for 10 Examples Why Mario Games Are Darker Than You’d Think to appear sometime in the next year.

5 Games Lost in the November Rush 2011

The Best [And Worst] of Nolan North

5 Games To Play In The Dark

Top 5 Most Wanted Plot Devices for Avatar The Last Airbender: The Promise Part 1

Five Franchises That Should Get a Sandbox Spinoff

Five Aspects of Otherwise Great Anime That Brings Them Down

10 Weird Items from Oriental Trading

Five Remakes We Should Have Seen at E3

5 Things From Avatar I Wanted To See But Didn’t

Ten Games That Changed Everything

Five Aspects of Avatar Everyone Gets Wrong

Top 5 Franchises That Should Get a LEGO Spinoff

Five Games I’d Like To See On The 3DS Without 3D

5 Games That Would Work Great With The 3DS’ 3D

Ten Aspects of Otherwise Good Games That Bring Them Down

Seven Tragic Video Game Love Stories

Top 5 Franchises That Should Get An SSB Spinoff

Toys of 2010 that were just plain bad ideas

In Response to Game Informer: 10 Underdogs That Defined A Generation

A Toy List For The Financially Gifted

5 Toys From 2010 I Wish I Had When I Was Your Age

Top 10 Video Game Snow Levels

10 Radical Ninja Turtle Action Figure Side Characters

A Hero’s Best Friend: The Top 5 Video Game Pets

10 Awesome Ninja Turtle Action Figure Outfits

My 10 Favorite Video Game Trilogies

My Top Ten Favorite Video Game Soundtracks

My Top Ten Favorite Battle Themes

My Twenty Favorite Video Game Tracks

-Part 1

-Part 2

10 Ways The Real World Would Ruin Video Game Worlds

10 Games That Work Better As Rentals

Top 10 Misconceptions from Avatar The Last Airbender

-Pranger’s Counter Argument

My Top 10 Most Unattainable Toys

Top 10 Things About E3 I’m Sick Of

5 Arcade Cabinets I’d Like To Own

5 Ways To Enjoy Your Hot Wheels Collection

Top 15 Best Overclocked Remixes

The Top 10 Video Game Quotes That Need To Die

13 Must-See Christmas Movies for Kids

The Top Ten Radio and Remote Controlled Toys of 2009

10 Most Popular Toys for Christmas 2009

Top 10 Bestselling Toys of 2009

The 10 Most Ridiculous Ninja Turtle Action Figures

5 Must-Own PS2 Games

The 20 Greatest Mario Enemies Ever

10 Video Games To Play On Thanksgiving

5 Must-Own Nintendo DS Games

5 Must-Own Games for the Nintendo Wii

10 Games You Should Play on Halloween

5 Virtual console Games You Should Have Already Downloaded

5 GameCube Games to Find Cheap

5 Game Boy Advance Games Still Worth Their Mettle

Zelda Lists:

-6 Aspects of the Zelda Games That Are Darker Than They Appear

-5 Things From The Legend of Zelda Everyone Gets Wrong

-The Top 10 Best Zelda Items

-My Ten Favorite Zelda Music Scores

-My Ten Favorite Zelda Characters

-My Ten Favorite Zelda Enemies

Pokemon Lists:

-5 Aspects of Pokemon That Make No Sense

-The 10 Best Pokemon Moves Ever

-10 Pokemon You’d Rather Not Evolve

-My Top 10 Greatest Pokemon Related Achievements

-Top 10 Worst Pokemon Ever

-Top 10 Best Pokemon Ever

Dragon Ball Z Lists:

-Five Aspects of Dragonball Z Everyone Gets Wrong

-5 Things From DBZ I Wanted To See But Didn’t

-Top 10 DBZ Relationships

–Part 1

–Part 2

–Part 3

-Top 10 Worst Instances of Filler in Dragonball Z

-The Top 10 Most Awesome Moments of Dragonball Z

-Ten More Big Plot Holes From Dragonball Z

-The Top 10 Biggest Plotholes in Dragonball Z

The Too Much Awesome Podcast:

Yes, we had a podcast at one point. It isn’t updated anymore, but we have a few episodes up that we’re proud of. I’m particularly a fan of Episode 4, the Goku vs Superman debate between myself and Michael Waymire. Go give it a download and let us know what you think!

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Finding Us Elsewhere:

We don’t just keep ourselves confined to Toy-TMA if we can help it, so you can actually find some of our writers elsewhere. Here’s exactly where.

Sites Chris contributes to:

The Escapist

Tomopop

Brian’s Site: Morning Toast

Sharayah’s Site: Linus and Bubba Books

And that’s that. Those are our features. See something you like? Let us know here so we’re aware of which features we should spend more time on, or perhaps which features we should leave entirely. The only way we get better is with your constant support, so help us move forward to a world where we serve your every need…at least in terms of geeky blogging.

Is that another Link? I want to know!

I’ve been ready to have my mind blown from the very second I started the game up. Every fiber of my being loves Zelda and since this wasn’t a DS Zelda game (which I haven’t particularly enjoyed), but rather a mixture of the best elements of The Wind Waker and Twilight Princess, my expectations were incredibly high. That would be my first mistake since the game can’t decide if it’s been built for a lifelong fan or a completely new player.

Immediately out of the gate we’re reminded that this is Zelda’s 25th anniversary. We know this because the game comes packaged with a handful of orchestrated remixes from the franchise (wonderful by the way), the little stamp on the box, and the intro screen reminding us. And if it wasn’t hammered home enough, within the first few minutes of playing we learn that the characters are about to celebrate the 25th anniversary of something important. “Okay,” I said, “This is clearly for me.”

But then the wind changed and something horrible happened. After a painfully long introduction period where I learned what I thought were all the new rules, I met the single worst character a Zelda game has thrown at me thus far. Worse than Tingle, worse than Navi, Skyward Sword’s know-it-all companion is named Fi, a physical embodiment of the Goddess Sword and a feature I wish desperately to be able to shut off.

Gah! Shut up already! Where's Navi when you need her?

To explain why Fi is so obnoxious, I have to give some examples. Thing is, she pops up every time something new has happened, something that is excruciatingly obvious to me as a longtime player. For instance, I grab some rupees and hit my wallet’s max, which is 300. I know that I’ve hit my max because I had previously checked my inventory and learned that 300 is where things get tapped out. I also noticed that after grabbing a large rupee, my total stopped at 300 and changed color, indicating I’m at capacity. I know this as the game has allowed me to learn this by myself. However, at the moment when I reach that max, Fi pops out of my sword and tells me, “Master, you have hit your limit of rupees. You cannot carry any more.” Yes, thank you.

Hey, another example! I’m in a forest looking for Zelda and encounter a little kiwi/penguin/shrubbery thing and save it from some red monsters. It freaks out, thanks me, and mentions that it thinks it saw the girl in pink being chased by more of the red monsters. Fi once more leaps out of my sword and says, “Master, my calculations indicate a 97% chance that Zelda is still in danger.” Uh…yeah, I just heard that, too. Plus, adding in percentages just sounds entirely wrong and out of place in the Zelda universe. The themes are clashing and it feels like Link has a computer in his sword, which constantly rips me out of the story and the game’s immersive capabilities.

Fi aside, there’s a ton that I’ve really enjoyed thus far. As soon as I acquired a sword I was sold on the motion controls. I’ve very rarely had a game feel so perfect when it comes to motion controls, but Skyward Sword works just as well as it promises. I haven’t experienced a single lag or miss-swipe with my sword, including forward thrusts (the bane of the Wii’s existence). Even my shield is responsive with a flick of the nunchuck. I’ve actually found myself just swishing the sword for no good reason, purely because it feels good.

Even getting owned by this guy, I'm still loving it!

However, there’s a little drawback to the sword slashing that doesn’t make a ton of sense to me. Twilight Princess added the ability to move while slashing the sword, something that greatly improved the game as a whole because it made the tedious grind of grass cutting feel much less obnoxious. Skyward Sword takes a step backward as you’re grounded firmly in place once you start swinging your sword, once again making grass cutting feel more tedious than it needs to be. I can understand the need to make you stop moving as there could be some wonky control issues if you made Link turn around at you or something while swinging, I guess, but overall it felt like a regression.

Another example of a regression has to do with the rupees yet again. Twilight Princess had a new feature that stopped you from emptying a chest full of rupees if it would exceed your current max. I really liked this as it prevented me from wasting some big prizes while searching for dungeon keys and heart pieces, but Skyward Sword once again just lets those go to waste, and once again I haven’t found a good use for rupees yet. I’ve hit the limit for what I can purchase far too quickly and have to wait to collect more materials in order to improve my shields and items, a feature I do actually like. I’m assuming that things get far better later on, but right now I’ve blew some big rupee caches for no reason and it’s a problem.

I can safely say now that after the second dungeon, this is the Zelda game I’ve been waiting for. The first dungeon wasn’t anything spectacular, but that’s to be expected as every first Zelda dungeon is typically the tutorial dungeon, allowing you to figure out how this particular game is going to work or differentiate itself from others. Oh, and a nice side note, the map and compass have been combined into one, which is great since that always felt pointless to separate the two.

No, it’s by the second dungeon that things really start to pick up. The layout is fun and flows perfectly, the boss is one of my new favorites, and the story elements even feel particularly strong. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I can say that my initial hope for characters I really care about has come true with gusto. I like this Zelda. I like this Link. I like this new villain and I like the new side characters that are just around for the heck of it.

Definitely my favorite version of Zelda to date, and that's saying something.

The only problem is still how much the game wants to hold my hand. Is Skyward Sword for new players? Well, I’m informed by my stupid sword companion that my hearts are low and that I need to find some despite my hearts blinking and the annoying “Holy crap get some hearts dude” beeping droning on, so it can’t really be for me, can it? Hold on, it just may be as the chief of Skyloft is a man with owl-like features whose name is Gaepora, a clear reference to the owl named Kaepora Gaebora from Ocarina of Time and other games. I’m incredibly torn so far, but I very much want to find out more.

So the real question is, can I recommend Skyward Sword? Honestly, yes, I can. It just has an annoying amount of hand-holding in the early stages of the game (and sadly, from what I hear, that lasts the first half of the game), but I’ve hit a point where my interest is climbing and the good is outweighing the bad. And from what I’ve read, it only continues to get better. Certainly give this one a good, long chance. Just, you know, after Skyrim.

Hey those guys have trees growin' out of their heads. What the heck am I playing?

Let’s set the stage for why some people just weren’t happy with Mario’s GameCube outing. The year is 2000 and people are excited to see what the GameCube can offer. During a tech demo, and if knowledge serves me correctly it was the same tech demo that showed what Link and Ganondorf could look like on the ‘Cube (please don’t quote me on that!), a video detailing a supposed game called Super Mario 128, the proposed sequel to Super Mario 64, was teased. Being the usual characters that gamers are, our first and only assumption was that the tech demo was a definite statement of the game’s existence, showing over a hundred Marios running around, traversing spherical platforms. Naturally, we were confused when we instead got Super Mario Sunshine.

To quell some fears regarding Super Mario 128, while the game was scrapped, the concepts certainly were not. A number of other games were born from the ideas it created, such as Pikmin, Twilight Princess, and Super Mario Galaxy. And also, according to Nintendo, Super Mario Sunshine, a game that couldn’t actually run on either the PS2 or Xbox due to the amount of colors its graphic used (fun facts!).

Man, we really need to stop obsessing over tech demos already.

The basic plot of Sunshine is actually a lot different than most Mario games. No, not so different that Peach isn’t kidnapped and Bowser isn’t the Big Bad once again (that never changes), but the overall game is a drastic shift away from any other Mario game to date and stands alone as something wholly unique. All Mario games include the usual grass levels, water levels, snow/ice levels, fire/lava levels, sand levels, and underground levels, plus perhaps a castle, fortress, or haunted house for good measure. Sunshine, thankfully, does not include any of these as we know them.

Instead, Sunshine gives us a tropical village, a beach, a harbor, an amusement park, a scenic waterfall, a hotel, a village suspended by gigantic palm trees, and a resort island as the hub world. Can you catch the theme here? Everything takes place on the vacation hot-spot Isle Delfino and revolves around that one unified theme. It’s like Mario just went on holiday and we all got to join him.

I absolutely love this concept and need to stop and let it sink in. Mario is one of those characters that people whine on about never changing his formula, never switching things up or doing things different. Sunshine was a very clear attempt to try something different than every other Mario game, both with the setting and the gameplay mechanics themselves, still completely unique again to Sunshine. People forget that everything was different- not bad different but just different- and as a result Sunshine was one of Mario’s least successful adventures. Why would anyone wonder why Nintendo hasn’t taken any real risks with him since?

You're darn right!

Speaking of that gameplay, this time around Mario is joined by a sentient hydropack named FLUDD that dispenses useful information while also acting as a spray nozzle, a hoverpack, a jetpack, and a propeller. Water and graffiti are at the center of everything as Mario is mistaken for someone who’s been painting the island in sludge, easily cleaned with a few squirts of water. The platforming is drastically different than most Mario games thanks to the hover feature of FLUDD (no longjump here), but that doesn’t mean the game is easy.

Oh man, the highlight of the game comes when you encounter your first secret level. Each stage had one or two, placed in a cave or open doorway or some such, and when Mario jumped inside he’d be teleported to a place that can only be described as Platforming Hell. FLUDD would be taken from you (eliminating your hover feature safety net) and you’d be expected to get to the end of some of the most difficult Mario stages in his long history. Each level would be just a series of elaborate challenges suspended over insta-death that’d push you to utilize Mario’s primal skills with triple jumps, flips, wall jumps, and careful timing. These challenges were just straight up hard, and they’re worth the price of admission all by themselves. Plus, a snazzy a cappella version of the Mario theme plays during these stages, and who doesn’t like that?

Still, the game isn’t without some drawbacks. For one, this is the only Mario game that contains a fully voice-acted script, meaning that Peach, Toadsworth, and sadly Bowser all have full speaking voices. Bowser Jr is cringe worthy, but when Bowser chimes in with what sounds like someone doing a mocking parody of the character, things go from uncomfortable to just plain painful. At least there isn’t a whole lot of this going on, so it’s by no means a deal breaker. I’m just saying Bowser sounded better in the Super Mario Bros Super Show.

Also frustrating are Blue Coins. In all other Mario games, Blue Coins are just coins that count for 5 coins or something similar, but here you must collect 10 to get a Shine Sprite (the Power Stars of this game). There are 120 Shines Sprites, just like Super Mario 64 had 120 Stars, but 24 of those Shines come from these Blue Coins, which are hidden everywhere in levels to the point of being ridiculously difficult to find. Some are hidden in obvious places, but then others pop out when you spray random objects, forcing you to spray everything like you have OCD. That was a bit much, but yet again, not enough to ruin the game for me.

Have you ever seen Bowser so sad? I think it's because you weren't playing the game.

Even though Sunshine gets a bad rap, a lot of Mario mainstays come from the little island including the Piantas, the Noki, Shadow Mario, Petey Piranha, Toadsworth, and even Bowser Jr. You can see the influence reaching to the Paper Mario series, the Mario Kart series, and even into some of the sports titles besides continuing trends set up here in the Galaxy games. Nintendo certainly hasn’t just abandoned the memory of Super Mario Sunshine, despite what many may believe.

Were I to come up with a hypothesis as to why Sunshine has such a bad reputation, I think it would come down to two reasons colliding head on. The first is that this was the Mario game on the GameCube, a system that only Nintendo hardcores seemed to love (such as myself, which is why it’s my favorite system). The second is that the game breaks away from so many Mario traditions that it’s a bit jarring at first. I mean, neither Koopas or Goombas even make an appearance, or a large handful of other classic Mario enemies, so longtime fans may have felt like this one didn’t technically “count” or something, especially owning to the cornerstone of the game being FLUDD and cleaning pollution from the game.

If the water backpack mechanic was broken then I could understand the frustration, but it was awesome, so what the heck was the problem?

I think it was just unfortunate timing as the game is gorgeous to look at, even by today’s standards, has a soundtrack that’s severely under-appreciated as well, and was bold enough to try something very new in a series that’s been and still is regarded as formulaic to a fault.

Don’t let this absolute masterpiece go to waste. You’ve got a perfectly serviceable GameCube built into the Wii, so head out and find Super Mario Sunshine at a used games store. It can’t possibly be too expensive. Go play and enjoy. Besides, are there any other Mario games where Mario wears shades and a Hawaiian shirt? I didn’t think so.

This is your goal. Anything less than nothing is failure.

You may be surprised, but a lot of people don’t actually know how to do nothing. A startling number of people claim to be doing nothing, but they are in fact doing something. Here’s a helpful guide for you: Are you doing something that doesn’t actually benefit society or yourself in any way? Then congrats, you are doing nothing. If you are instead doing something that you’re actively ashamed of, then for shame indeed, you are doing something and that something is “actively worrying and feeling guilty.”

Far from nothing, experiencing guilt is a powerful form of doing something, so much so that people have lost their minds as a result (this does not happen from doing nothing). The first step to doing nothing is to therefore lose your feelings of guilt. Many will experience a pang of guilt when watching a silly anime, playing a goofy game, or generally doing something that many would scoff at. Do not fret! Instead, steel yourself to the slings and arrows of mankind. If you have found a way to watch DBZ without a hint of remorse, then you are well on your way to doing nothing!

If anything can teach you how to do nothing for long periods of time, it's Dragon Ball Z, the master of doing nothing.

The next step may just be the most important step of all, though perhaps also not more important than the first step. Either way, it is an important step, and that step is to clear the way for doing nothing by doing a lot of somethings in preparation. A common misconception is that “nothing” can just happen. Not so! Nothing takes a fair deal of planning to the point of setting nothing in motion weeks or even months in advance. Be prepared to devote quite a lot of time and energy into doing nothing. Once you’re ready, we can move ahead.

How does one procrastinate? False, procrastinating is not as simple as just “putting something off.” The proper way to procrastinate is to get everything done early, thus leaving the same amount of time open to do nothing. However, the key difference is that if you procrastinate first, you will still be antsy and anxious to eventually get your work done, so that even if you’re trying to do nothing, you’ll still be thinking and stressing about having something creeping up that you will have to do, or else incur the consequences.

Oak is a master of doing nothing. Follow his lead despite his encouragement to do otherwise.

If you take just one piece of advice from me today (I’d highly recommend taking all pieces of advice for the greatest effect) it is to go ahead and be extra productive right away to the point of people saying, “Wow, you sure are productive!” You’ll know you’ve done things correctly when someone randomly says this or a variation of the phrase (“You sure get things done a lot, huh?”), thus allowing you to move on to phase two:

Doing Nothing

Activities that constitute doing nothing can be as simple as watching TV, playing a video game, or napping. Did you think there was an “or they could be as elaborate as…” coming later on? Well you’d be wrong, because something more advanced like playing football, reading a book, teaching a child to love again, or managing to get over your crippling depression are very much activities people could mistake as “something” rather than “nothing.”

The key distinction comes down to the end result. Watching TV will most commonly leave you in a vegetative state while reading a book will force you to use your imagination. Playing football requires you to move around and thus increase your physical health while napping shuts everything down and puts most of your body functions on hold until further notice. A simple test is to ask, “Will this have any outwardly positive effects?” If your answer is “No,” congrats, it can qualify as nothing. If you even have to stop to think about the question, sorry, you’re doing something and have failed.

Ask Square Enix for some pointers. They practically wrote the book on doing nothing.

A tricky situation arises when video games are brought into the mix. Some games will actually increase your ability to problem solve, improve your hand-eye coordination, or strengthen your social skills. A good choice would therefore be just about any RPG, especially if you’ve already played it in the past. Were I to play Final Fantasy VII today, I could easily consider it as doing nothing since I’ve already beat it once and have no good reason to play it again as the story doesn’t interest me again. But shoot, just by saying that I’ve succeeded in instilling fanboy riots, and have thus done something. You can see just how fine the line is between nothing and something, yes?

Have you learned yet how to do nothing? I certainly have. In fact, I took my own advice and wrote this up yesterday just so that I didn’t have to do anything today. I’d wish you the best on your endeavor, but that’d certainly be doing something, now wouldn’t it?

Bright? Colorful? Mario? Sold!

Mario, while quite the versatile mascot, has always been best when platforming. Personally I’ve rather enjoyed his 3D games better as it takes longer to complete each, plus when you’re really moving, man does it feel good. Super Mario 3D Land takes cues from everywhere with a play style similar to Super Mario 64, an art style similar to Super Mario Galaxy or New Super Mario Bros, the return of the Tanooki Suit and Boom-Boom from Super Mario Bros 3, and the combined efforts of all previous Mario games to squeeze something in for good measure. In the simplest terms, this is the sum of all Mario games as viewed on a handheld device.

Thankfully, for a handheld everything is pretty smooth. My biggest complaint with a lot of Mario’s handheld adventures has been the size of the screen as it can restrict just how much of the area I can see while platforming. Super Mario Land made Mario smaller so that more level could appear on the screen whereas Super Mario Land 2 made Mario bigger and slower with less level on the screen at one time. Super Mario 3D Land has a good balance as I never felt Mario was too big or too small for the purposes of the game, plus everything just looked so nice that I didn’t have time to worry.

Oh that looks nice. The levels may not be huge, but they're certainly fun.

It’s amazing that this wasn’t a launch title, or rather it’s a shame it wasn’t as it would have moved quite a few more 3DS systems due to the graphics and the 3D effect alone. Finally, there is a 3DS game that must must MUST be played with the 3D slider on in order to fully enjoy the experience. For some reason you even have the option of making the game’s 3D even better, which is essentially just a button you leave turned on at all times. The use of 3D is great and makes every level pop out in such a way that you stop outwardly noticing by the end of the first level, though you never forget it’s there. That’s hard to do but that’s the true goal of 3D.

Everything comes down to the controls. Does Mario control well? This is where I’m starting to see some faults. I got used to Mario, but he’s starting to become a bit slower in his old age, at least a little bit. You have the standard 3D Mario platformer moves such as the long jump and the backflip, but you won’t need to make much use of either. Part of this is because Mario cannot grip edges, something that will take quite a bit of getting used to and result in more deaths than you’d prefer.

The real star here is the Tanooki Suit. It doesn’t play quite like it did in Super Mario Bros 3, but it’s still just as awesome. You can control your decent in the air, making it easier to time jumps and make precise leaps, specifically the final flagpole jump at the end of every stage (and it’s important to hit the top in every stage as the game keeps track that you’ve done so in every level). The Boomerang Flower is a welcome addition as it grants Mario the ability to retrieve coins and items from a distance, and the Fire Flower is a classic standby, but the Tanooki Suit will take preference over all others, which makes sense as the entire loose plot of the game revolves around Bowser stealing all the leaves off the Tanooki Suit Tree, or something like that, resulting in enemies having Tanooki tails. It’s remarkably charming to see Bullet Bills with tails or even Bowser himself sporting the ringed addition to his backside.

Now if we could just get Mario's cape back, everything would be gravy.

As far as difficulty goes, I can’t really say. I’m good at Mario games, there’s no getting around that, so when I tell you my progress you have to assume that’s from someone who knows what they’re doing. After two days playing at a relaxed pace, I had beaten the entire main game (Worlds 1-8), including obtaining all possible Star Coins (three per level) and hit the top of the flagpole in every stage. By the time I had beaten Bowser I had accrued over 200 lives.

Thing is, lives are dished out like candy, so you can easily die three times in a level but finish with a total of ten for the stage. I’m very thankful that lives do not top out at 99, instead continuing into the hundreds. Oddly, this does in fact make me care more about then since I want to have as many as possible, if only for bragging rights. There will be some later stages where beginner players will desperately need some extra lives, and the game offers a fairly generous help system of giving a random power-up after two deaths, a Super Tanooki Suit (Tanooki Suit plus Starman) after five deaths, and a P-Wing that instantly beats a level after ten deaths. I was never given the Super Tanooki Suit, but many players no doubt will want to make use of these simply implemented aides.

Thankfully, there isn't really anything big and scary enough to make you freak out, but this is afterall a Mario game.

One thing I will say about the game is that I’m extremely pleased with the finale against Bowser this time around. The last three 3D Mario games haven’t really captured the feel of a full-on fight with the Koopa King, so when I found myself with sweaty palms and a panicked stare attempting not to die at the last second, I was very pleased.

Also, the game may feel short at first, but upon completing the first eight worlds, eight new worlds appear as variations of the first eight. These Special Worlds as they’re called take elements from each level and tweak them a bit to increase the difficulty, and while I’ve still yet to find any unbearably difficult by the second Special World, I will certainly say that they’re harder, so I’m enjoying myself. Plus, Luigi gets unlocked and plays like he has in the Super Mario Galaxy games, so who can be unhappy about that?

Naturally, you'll get your retro throwbacks sprinkled in, so no complaining there.

And that’s really what you can take away from all this. I really am enjoying myself, despite some frustrating deaths at the hands of Mario’s slow momentum or the weird tricks the 3D can play on you. You just can’t get that mad at deaths when you have 200 lives I suppose. I fully recommend Super Mario 3D Land to anyone with a 3DS, and especially to anyone considering purchasing a 3DS any time soon. This is the software you were waiting for, so it’s time to finally adopt.

My Dirty Secret:

It's not cheating; it's utilizing all your tools for the job.

Before I go any further, I should admit that a lot of my help in understanding different uses of Batman’s gadgets and where every last Riddler trophy and riddle was located came from a magical strategy guide sent to me courtesy of Brady Games. It’s been a long time since I’ve used a strategy guide, but now I remember why I vastly prefer them to online walkthroughs: Pictures!

Here’s my little plug for Brady Games (seriously they’re a dying breed in a lost art, go support them). The Arkham City strategy guide includes pictures on every Riddler trophy, plus a detailed map of the area to let you know exactly where you need to be to find what you’re looking for. Nothing is worse than “Okay, head just north of the Ace Chemicals building and you’ll find the trophy in a corner.” No, I much prefer, “Okay, here’s a picture and the exact location on your map. Go here and do this.” Much better.

Even more, it breaks down Xbox Achievements and PS3 Trophies, Riddler’s Revenge challenges, and includes a whole preface with character bios and large pictures of each of the cast of characters who’ll inevitably cross Batman’s unfortunate path.

Some Skill You Gotta Learn:

A little work can go a long way toward serious beatdowns.

But just because I used Brady Games’ strategy guide extensively to find Riddler trophies doesn’t mean I didn’t acquire a heck of a lot of skills on my own and develop some key strategies needed to turn you from a Batboy into a Batman. A lot of my skill comes from searching for shortcuts everywhere, especially in the Predator sections. This is a direct result of my personality being so geared toward Smash & Grab tactics as having to slow down kills me.

Instead of letting this bother me, I figured out some of the most useful upgrades that you’ll want when playing as Batman. When it comes to Predator gadgets, most of those will just come with time and story progression, so I’ll detail those specifically later on. Combat, however, it where you can set yourself up with a major advantage fairly quickly.

If you’re looking to maximize your effectiveness in combat, you’ll need to upgrade the abilities that let you do the most damage as fast as possible. Don’t worry about upgrading your suit’s armor since if you’re doing things right, you won’t be taking damage anyway. Instead, focus on attacks that incapacitate attackers quickly and effectively, such as the weapon breaker upgrade or the knife attacker KO counter.

How to Punch Like You Mean It:

Follow these tips and no one will laugh at you again.

The Freeflow Combat system that Rocksteady put into place here is the very reason that I haven’t enjoyed other games that include some sort of combat mechanic. Namely, the system works too good to ever want to try anything else. The goal is to rack up large combos by hitting enemies in a fluid series of attacks, counters, and K.O.s, all leading to larger and larger score readouts. A higher score in the story mode of the game doesn’t mean much beyond rewarding you with higher experience point values, allowing you to level up quicker, but if you’re attempting to get three medals in the Riddler’s Revenge challenge maps, here’s all you need to know.

There are nine enemy types to deal with. The first is the standard thug, punching his way at you without putting up much of a fight at all. The second is the knife-wielding enemy, which can become a bother when you’d prefer not to have to counter them. This gets more complicated with ninja assassin women who have swords and can dodge your attacks. Some enemies carry shields and must be dealt with via the stun-jump-jump combo, whereas the electric baton enemies take the jump-jump-strike tactic. Then there are armored enemies, requiring a stun before doing into a beatdown mode, and of course enemies with guns that can shoot you from a distance. Finally, Titan thugs show up as major, unblockable pains, as well as one-armed thugs (Mr. Hammer and Mr. Sickle) who are actually very useful, but we’ll get into that in a moment.

The trick is to prioritize enemies and utilize a very simple strategy in order to maximize your combo and score. First, stun an enemy, preferably an armored enemy as they can take a larger beating. Then, proceed to deliver a beatdown since a stunned enemy will lock Batman into a bunch of repeated pummel punches. While you continue this assault, counter when necessary. By the time you’ve K.O.ed that first thug, you’ll have a combo built up high enough to either instantly dispatch another thug (aim for ninja assassins as those are good to remove from play) or destroy a weapon. I highly recommend destroying all weapons in the area, specifically shields and batons as you cannot attacks coming from either of those. Immediately after using up your special combo move, stun another enemy and repeat until everyone is down.

Don't be intimidated. Remember: The bigger they are, the higher the combo will be when they go down.

Change your strategy a bit when dealing with Titan thugs or one-armed heavies. Titan thugs can easily be dispatched by doing an ultimate stun (three stun attacks in a row), then punching until you leap on their back and ride them around. It’s important to get rid of them first as their attacks are unblockable and even cut into moves that usually make you invincible, such as a beatdown finisher or a weapon-break. Most of the time you’ll intend to dodge when you see them rushing you and just can’t, so it’s best to take care of them early. By the time you’ve dealt with them you should have build up a pretty high combo, thus making your Titan Takedown score you huge points.

Best of all for instantly high combos are the one-armed hammer and sickle henchmen since they are extremely easy to handle. They, too, can break through invincible animations, but it’s easy to plan how to assault them. Once you start hitting, you’re again locked into them as if they were a regular stunned thug. As you wail endlessly, they’ll very slowly move themselves around to wing their weapon. Right as they’re about to do this, jump over them and continue the attack. After over 30 or 40 hits, your combo meter will be incredibly high and they’ll finally go down, leaving you with the rest of the room and easy points. When played right, they’re the best thing to see in a combat challenge as they pretty much guarantee you’ll make enough points for three Riddler medals.

Strike Hard and Fade Into The Night:

Never lose your cool. You own this room. Everyone else is just allowed to play until you decide to end it.

Predator challenges are quite a bit different, but a lot of the same concepts apply. For this you’ll most want to make use of your Sonic Baterang, your Firearm/Mine Disruptor, and your Smoke Pellet. Also, Silent Takedowns will be your best friend. Just like with Combat challenges, know which enemies to eliminate first. The five types are normal thugs with guns, thugs with infrared goggles (which are basically useless if you upgraded yourself to be invisible to them when standing still), thugs with scramblers, and thugs with sniper rifles (these need to go first, always). There are also thugs with mines, but those were never a problem for me.

The one key difference with Predator challenges is that in order to get all three Riddler medals you’ll just have to complete three random tasks, such as scare a thug and then knock him out, or pull an enemy off a platform with your Batclaw. Some get fairly elaborate, such as one that requires you to hit a fire extinguisher with a Baterang and then perform a Silent Takedown in the smoke, and others are downright frustrating, like one that requires you knock out the enemy with the disruptor backpack last.

The order you go about your business should be dictated by the medal requirements. Check those first, and then survey the area. Most of the times, one of the more complicated medals will actually be set up instantly, such as a Double Ledge Takedown or something similar, so some trial-and-error may be required.

Most of the time you’ll have six or seven enemies total in a map, so when you get a chance either right before earning the first medal or in between medals, Silent Takedowns when the opportunities present themselves are incredibly useful. You can very easily take out an entire room with the Silent Takedown alone, but that won’t get you all the medals.

Is Bruce Wayne gonna have to choke a bitch?

When the time does arrive for you to start clearing the room, remember that your Sonic Baterang can provide an instant K.O. when you actually hit a foe with it. Unlike normal Baterangs, it won’t just lock on to your target, so you’ll have to line it up and hope the enemy doesn’t move. A miss will require you to wait for the cooldown period to expire, but if you hit and knock an enemy out, you won’t be able to use it again.

The last two enemies are always the easiest since you can use the Firearm Disruptor and make them utterly useless. When you swoop down to knock out the first, the other will just blankly try and fire at you, only to become confused and then taken out when you get the chance. Save this method for when it makes the most sense, but keep in mind that you only have two uses and then you can’t use it again.

Turn Your Weaknesses Into Strengths:

Don't be afraid to use everything against your enemies! Especially ziplines!

The hardest Riddler challenges are without a doubt the Campaign challenges. These are just three challenge maps in a row, usually alternating between Combat and Predator, but the catch is that you’ll have to do three perfect maps in a row with added qualifications, such as reduced health or the inability to perform Silent Takedowns.

There’s a trick to decide which modifiers to turn on for each map. You don’t need to use all of them in a single map; you just need them all used by the end of the three. My advice is to pick the biggest headaches first, such as the alternating invincible enemy modifier or a scrambled Detective Mode modifier. Get rid of them early and it makes things simpler from there on. Some, like the modifier that prevents Batman from using gadgets in combat, doesn’t affect me whatsoever due to the strategy I outlined earlier, meaning it’s a freebie in a map. I can easily save that for last along with the one positive modifier such as regenerating health or the ability to break through enemy defenses. Saving those positive perks until the end will just help with your overall morale.

A bit of pre-planning may also need to come into play here as well since there are times when a modifier will prevent you from getting a medal in the first place, like removing the ability to perform a Silent Takedown on a map where you have to do so under specific conditions. In these instances, or if you realize that you just won’t be able to complete the Combat rounds with enough points to get all three medals, go ahead and take a dive. Each of the three maps give you three retries, so the only punishment is time. It’s much better to have to restart the final combat map over to get three medals than to complete it with two and finish the campaign with eight total, meaning you’ll have to redo it again anyway.

Be The Batman:

He can smell fear, so keep it under control.

Arkham City is not the hardest game to master once you put some time into it. In all actuality, it can be one of the simplest games you play in the higher difficulty levels as long as you start to learn these basic strategies. You’ll get plenty of practice in the Story Mode of the game, so get out there and fight some crime.

And that’s my advice as a Grandmaster. Does anyone else have some tips? Or do you need help with a part you’re stuck with? Leave a comment and let me know. I can help you, for I am justice!

Shhhh, be vewy quiet. We're hunting Wussians.

My in-laws are some of the most die-hard Call of Duty fans you’ll ever meet. I believe I mentioned as such when I finally understood First Person Shooters half a year ago. I typically get a chance to play the new Call of Duty game a year after it comes out as it becomes obsolete and therefore no long required for multiplayer, allowing me to borrow the copy and tackle the campaign at my leisure.

With Modern Warfare 3, a lot is built up for me. More than anything I needed the game to justify from the first nanosecond the title screen comes on that it could not in fact have been accomplished with Modern Warfare 2. What I mean is, Modern Warfare 3 needs to justify Modern Warfare 2’s “See You Next Time” ending, ala God of War III (which failed said test).

I genuinely enjoyed the missions in MW2 that took place in Washington DC, not because I liked the character of Rodriguez much but because by placing the conflict squarely in my home country, hey, I suddenly care more what’s going on. Everywhere I turn I find ruined buildings and utter destruction, but because I have some connection to it the impact is vastly more powerful. MW3 wisely begins the campaign in the middle of New York City, throwing the task of securing the roof of the Stock Exchange Building (hey, the Russians are occupying Wall street! Clever!) so that…something and…HOORAH! AMERICA!

And that’s the thing. I can actually care when we make some serious headway in this conflict because of that personal investment in seeing my country survive. Military porn? Sure. Effective in getting the job done? Absolutely.

Hmm, wonder if any of multiplayer maps will use these scuba mechanics? Meh, probably not.

The only thing holding my enthusiasm back is the schizophrenia of the plot. For a mission or two I’m some new faceless gun named Frost, but then I’m suddenly some new faceless gun named Yuri and I’m somewhere else in the world trying to protect Soap while Price attempts to get him safely out of harm’s way so that I can play as him later in the game (or so I assume).

Switching perspectives isn’t a bad thing when done right. The Modern Warfare franchise has never been stellar at balancing the two though. Most of the time it’s just a frantic rush to add variety and suspense. “Oh no! Wasn’t the character I was playing as before about to die?” It’s a cheap way to elongate something, but in the end it just makes things feel disjointed.

Regardless, I can’t fault the game for having variety. To its credit, in the first four missions of Modern Warfare 3 I got to run-and-gun with an assault rifle, fire off some Predator missiles, hop in a scuba suit and force a sub to surface before hijacking it with a different assault rifle (and the classic slow-mo breeching section), speed away on a motor boat, run around more slums with civilians aplenty, use a new super remote controlled mini tank thing, and even deal with a plane crash. Not bad, if you ask me.

I hear you go to France, which I guessed from the trailers where the Eiffel Tower gets blown up a bunch. Just a guess anyway.

Still, my original question remains: “Could this have been accomplished in Modern Warfare 2?” The answer: Yes. The graphics are nice, but I’m not blown away to the point of screaming, “Of course! What a revelation!” They’re fine but nothing special. Buildings don’t topple when I shoot them, things don’t generally explode with realistic physics, and everything plays just like it played two years ago (well, last year if you count Black Ops).

This is a full-priced expansion, and no one will mind whatsoever. I always come at things from a story perspective (I’m a writer, so sue me), so cutting a story short with little reason other than to entice players to purchase the next game…well that’s just poor form. I want to know how this war ends. I want to see what set pieces get effed right the heck up. I want some epic resolution to the whole conflict. But I also want it two years ago rather than as a means of justifying the same multiplayer experience you’ve been getting since Call of Duty 4.

At this moment, my On The Spot recommendation is still “Go Play Modern Warfare 3.” It’s fun at its core and definitely wants to make you feel like you get your money’s worth. Mileage may vary there, but if you’re a fan of the franchise, you’ve already bought the title and haven’t had any time to read this anyway.

But enough from me, what do you guys think? Is MW3 worth the purchase? Or are you going to wait like I will? Leave a comment and let that opinion come out!

6. Koholint is All a Dream:

Link, nothing you know is real. And now you're going to die of starvation.

So in spoiling a game that’s been out for 20 years, Link’s Awakening tasks the titular hero with collecting eight magical instruments in order to play the Ballad of the Wind Fish, open the Wind Fish’s egg, and vanquish the nightmare in order to wake up said Wind Fish. However, in doing so, all of Koholint disappears, leaving Link once again stranded on some floating ship wreckage.

Now, Zelda games aren’t big on connecting themselves perfectly regarding a timeline, especially in the older games, but from here we know that Link was traveling, had his ship destroyed by lightning, and then after an adventure wound up right where things started in the opening title screen. Actually, scratch that, things are worse. At least in the opening he washes up on the shores of a mysterious island. At the end of the game he discovers that nothing he just went through actually happened and although the Wind Fish is real and flying through the sky, he’s still stranded. The games don’t explicitly say what happens next, but we know that there are other Links, so this one isn’t required to return. Did he die at sea after waking up? This may go hand-in-hand with something later on the list, so mull over Link’s Awakening a bit.

5. Ganon Requires Link’s Blood to Live Again:

It's like if Dracula was a warthog or something.

You don’t need to go further than Zelda II for things to take a dark turn. The gameplay changes, but the characters stay the same with Link questing for the Triforce of Courage, needed to wake up the original Princess Zelda whom the actual legend was written about. Ganon, surprisingly, is not the main villain, but he is still present during the Game Over screens since the enemies in the game need Link’s blood in order to resurrect Ganon.

The idea of needing Link to bleed for Ganon to live is dark on its own, but the greater implication is not that Ganon is trying to come back; the darker, more unsettling aspect is that there are hundreds of his followers that want him back. He is dead, destroyed thanks to Link’s actions in the first game, so his followers are free to do as they please now. What do they choose to do? Bring Ganon back. Hyrule may have lost the ultimate evil for the time being, but it didn’t change anything. The paths are still treacherous and full of murderous axe-throwing madmen and spear-chucking hog-people. And worse still, they’re without a leader now. As long as Link is alive, Hyrule will never be free of Ganon’s grasp, and Ganon’s not even alive. Or at least, not technically… I think…

4. Link Never Returned:

Peace, I'm out! Call me if you need me! Imma go die of starvation, but whatev.

As I mentioned with Link’s Awakening’s somewhat ambiguous ending, there’s a possibility that at least one Link was lost at sea at some point after saving Hyrule. Well, while not definitely the Link from Link’s Awakening, we know without doubt that The Hero of Time, the Link from Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask, never returned to Hyrule. This gets stated in the opening of The Wind Waker, describing that the Hero of Time left Hyrule, leaving it open to Ganon’s return, but when he inevitably broke free from his prison in the Sacred Realm, Link didn’t come back and stop him. Where Link went, we don’t really know, but one thing’s for sure: Link never came back to Hyrule.

What’s dark to me is that Link was a Hero of Blank, or rather, a chosen hero of the Three Goddesses of Hyrule. This is the single most important individual of that era and he’s just plain vanished. Knowing that he was needed and failed only depresses things further. That means everything Link did in Hyrule, all the rebuilding and saving and evil smiting, yeah, that was all for nothing. It’s almost like he didn’t do anything but just prolong the inevitable. Was the Hero of Time really that ineffectual?

3. The Original Uses of the Ocarina’s Temples:

Also, what is this?! What is this?! Who thought this would be good for a kid's game?! This is some Pan's Labyrinth style horror up in here!

Ocarina of Time had some amazing temples, though part of this was punctuated through seeing them in 3D for the first time. Suddenly dungeons really could have themes like the Water Temple or the Fire Temple. It was now possible to just stop and take a look at the textures on the walls or survey the area and take in the full scope of the temple. But on closer inspection, things get pretty dark.

A lot of this is fan speculation as to what each temple’s original use could have been, in and of itself an unsettling concept since each temple is abandoned (in just about every Zelda game mind you). What was the Forest Temple before Ganon sent his phantom to live there? I’ve heard speculation that it was a castle in the forest that was besieged and completely wiped out, including the four sisters that called it home. Just thinking about the possible backstory is enough to get the chills, and better yet, Nintendo doesn’t have anything to say on the matter. Effectually, this gives license to fans to tell what can basically be described as “ghost stories” to one another and just try and freak each other out.

The best place to do this is the Shadow Temple. The theme is very clearly death and sorrow with grim reapers, tombs, torture chambers, and walls built out of skulls. The theory that stands out the most has the Shadow Temple as a place where the Hyrulian army imprisoned enemy soldiers, tortured some for information, and executed others (otherwise why would guillotines be there). Crazier still, the Bottom of the Well fits in with undead and restless spirits since there’s blood smeared all over the floor and a complete theme of horror and grotesque murder. The longer you sit and think about these temples, the more your imagination fills in and the worse they become.

2. The Entirety of Majora’s Mask:

I may never smile again. Thanks Majora's Mask. Now come to the 3DS.

I can’t easily find one specific aspect of Majora’s Mask that stands out above the rest, but all of it tends to be depression and nightmare fuel. Let’s just start with the basic premise of the game. Link (the same Hero of Time Link that will go missing from Hyrule) is passing through a parallel world when the Skull Kid turns him into a Deku Scrub and steals the Ocarina of Time, only to then use his demon-possessed mask to slowly bring the moon crashing down onto the land of Termina.

Okay, that alone isn’t the darkest plot, despite the moon appearing to be evil personified. What’s far worse is the tone of accepting death. Link’s three main transformations- Deku Scrub, Goron, and Zora- are all a result of him gaining a mask that contains the soul of a deceased member of each race. He finds a dying Zora guitarist on the beach and plays the Song of Healing in order to heal the spirit…do death of course. No matter what happens at the end of this story, at least three characters aren’t going home to their families, punctuated very eerily by the Deku Butler kneeling at the foot of his dead son.

The most tragic aspect is the knowledge that really no matter how much you manage to do over the course of the three days, it’s impossible to do everything. It’s a handful of timelines all overlaying themselves one on top of the other, so either a timeline has a few people being slightly happier but with a moon destroying everything, or the last timeline where the moon doesn’t fall but everyone’s problems are left unresolved. That feeling of utter powerlessness, despite having he ability to control time, can generate a deep despair. It’s sort of like that scene in Groundhog Day where Bill Murray is trying to save a homeless man but no matter what he does he always dies at the end of the day. Yeah, that, but the whole day. Yet there is one thing that may be worse…

1. The Most Horrific Evil of Hyrule Can Never Be Killed:

All your afforts will be pointless. It may just be simpler for everyone if you give up and die now.

Ganon is the Big Bad of the series and has appeared in one form or another in most of the games. No matter what Link and Zelda do, Ganon rises again stronger than ever. Link and Zelda sealed him in the Sacred Realm. He breaks out. They vanquish him after a long battle. He is reborn. They jam a sword into his face. Does this finally stop him? Not even that’s fully clear. He returns again and again and again, and each time Hyrule pays for this with quite a few lives. But what’s scarier is the greater implications of Ganon’s constant resurrection: The gods of Hyrule are either powerless or do not care.

This is most punctuated with the Hero of Time’s departure at the end of Ocarina of Time and Ganon’s return before The Wind Waker. The people of Hyrule prayed for the savior to return, but he did not. The Goddesses, for whatever reason, did not bring Link back to help. Instead, their solution was to…flood the entire land of Hyrule. They either could not contain Ganondorf’s power, or they decided it was simpler to just wipe out the entire land in the process.

To put this in some sort of real-world concept, it’d be like discovering that Satan had acquired a fraction of God’s power and as a result went about reeking havoc every chance he got, so God sends Jesus to go save everyone and put Satan in his place. Then, after Jesus leaves with a job well done, Satan comes back anyway and ruins the world all over again whereas Jesus is nowhere to be found. God’s solution this time is to just flood the world, succeeding in stopping Satan from dominating the land but eliminating the whole point of the land existing in the first place: For people to live in it. Just swap around some character names in that hypothetical analogy and you’ve got a recipe for a shivering concept. Evil cannot be stopped and the gods you trust will not save you. If that isn’t a dark concept to grasp, I don’t know what is.

So there you go, a list of some of the most unsettling things I can think of regarding the Zelda franchise. But now I want to hear from you. What did you find dark, creepy, or discomforting in Zelda games? Was it the simple Floormasters or Wallmasters taking you back to the beginning of the dungeon? Or the Skulltula house with the mutated, cursed family of spider people? Or just the feeling of dread before fighting Ganon for the first or last time? Leave a comment and let your voice be heard! Lord knows we won’t hear from Link on the matter any time soon, since, you know, he’s dead and all.

For reference, Batman is my excitement level, and the face being kicked is any face within flying kick radius.

I reviewed Arkham Asylum way back when it came out and loved everything about it, utterly devouring the game to the point that there isn’t a single thing left for me to do. However, I didn’t purchase the game. Rather, all of that love was feasible within a two-week period borrowing from my friend Other Chris. A whole new precedence has been set with Arkham City, causing a lot of firsts for me.

In the entire time I’ve owned an Xbox 360, I’ve never once purchased a game Day One. For that matter, I haven’t purchased an Xbox 360 game for full price and certainly haven’t pre-ordered any with the intent of snagging some pre-order bonuses. Arkham City made one heck of an exception as I not only pre-ordered the title (from Best Buy so that I could unlock Robin in the Challenge Maps), I went ahead and picked up my copy at a midnight release. For the past week I’ve been staying up at least two hours past when I should be asleep, all because I can’t get enough of it.

The plot is rather intriguing. Last time we saw Batman, he was on the receiving end of one of the Joker’s biggest schemes, resulting in an asylum-wide breakout that caused some pretty great twists. This time, Batman is thrown into another prison, the massive Arkham City, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear when you first start out. However, the most Batman-lore we really had the chance to experience from the previous game was through the Joker and Harley Quinn, Bane, Killer Croc, and The Scarecrow. The Riddler was there, somewhat, but other than that the most we got were little hints at the rest of the world.

For reference, Batman represents Batman here, and Catwoman represents my desire to let Batman have his way with me.

Things are vastly different this time as Catwoman appears right away, along with Two-Face. The Big Bad orchestrating the overarching plot is Hugo Strange, a rather fascinating choice since I know nothing about the character despite reading my fair share of Batman. The Joker and Harley return, but the revolving door of standout characters is just wonderful. Mr. Freeze, The Penguin, heck, even Calendar Man, all show up and blow me away with their voice acting and character depth.

Before going all crazy for the combat (which I’m about to gush over to the point of having a Batgasm), I need to stop and address the quality of voice acting. Kevin Conroy reprises his role as The Caped Crusader, reminding me why he’s my favorite Batman in any form. Grey DeLisle’s Catwoman has been one of the best parts of the game for me, as is Danny Jacobs’ chilling performance as Zsasz and Wally Wingert’s ever-present Riddler, but we all know the star of the show is Mark Hamill in his (supposedly) very last performance as The Joker. Half the time The Joker isn’t even interacting with Batman directly- you’ll just get voicemails from him as he talks about how Batman never picks up when he calls- but it’s so good that you may begin to fear that some other part of the game has to be lacking with voice acting that’s so Top Shelf.

For reference, The Joker here represents my crazy uncle and, um, I forget, but Mark Hamill wins Joker.

Thankfully, there isn’t a single area that’s feeling under appreciated. Rocksteady claims that the open area of Arkham City is 5 times larger than Arkham Asylum, and after Batmaning around for a while I can just about confirm this. It isn’t the largest overworld ever, but you’ll never feel claustrophobic and there are so many things to do in the space that you won’t have time to look around. Most of the time you’ll intend to quickly head from one side of the map to the other, only to get sidetracked a half-dozen times by Riddler Trophies, side missions, and the unquenchable urge to dive down in the middle of a crowd of thug and start brawling.

Batman returns with all his signature moves from Arkham Asylum’s combat system, probably my single favorite combat engine ever. When a fight starts, Batman transitions into freeflow combat with one button attacking and one button countering. Oh, and a jump button, a stun button, a Baterang button, a Bat Claw button, an electric shock button, an explosive gel button, a series of brutal takedown buttons, and I think a freeze grenade as well? I can’t remember; there’s just so much to keep track of.

The game seems to know you'll want to try out all your moves, so it throws exactly one Bat-ton of fist-fodder your way.

The only downside to the combat system’s kitchen sink approach is that you will forget how to do half of the things the game teaches you, or just won’t find any use once you find some simple habits that get you through all altercations. Still, I greatly prefer the option to have more rather than less, so much so that I’ve been spending more time playing the Challenge Maps than the game’s story mode, though I have to continually go back when I’ve completed all available maps and need to unlock more in the story. Part of it helps that I have both Catwoman and Robin downloaded for Challenge Maps, but your mileage on bonus characters may vary.

To address the choice of Catwoman being unlocked in the game only if you either purchase new or pay $10 online, I’m more than happy she’s included. If you have the option to get Arkham City new, or used from Game Stop since they’ve been putting her codes in anyway, absolutely do it. She plays slightly differently from Batman, and so far I’ve only had a chance to play through two or her four story missions, but I’ve also found that this is my favorite version of Catwoman now, partly due to the costume and partly due to just wanting to play as Catwoman in a legitimately good game.

That phrase “my favorite” may be cropping up a lot, but it’s the best way to describe things here. Even the points where I have to slow down and go into Predator mode to silently take out a room full of armed thugs don’t bother me much, mostly because the further you go through the game, the more options you unlock to take criminals out. Bored of Silent Takedowns? Try locking a guard’s gun from firing and causally walk up to him as he panics. There’s just so much variety that it’s hard to get bored.

For reference, GO BUY THIS GAME.

And that’s the overall theme of the game. There’s so much to do that it’s difficult to find a point where you’ll get cheated. Even if you don’t feel like advancing the game’s plot, there are Riddler Trophies, Joker Balloons, security cameras, interesting side quests, character bios, Challenge Maps, and a whole separate part of the game with Catwoman. Plus I hear that Nightwing is showing up on November 1st? I’m sold. Again.

I can’t say enough nice things about Arkham City. The game is as close to perfection as I feel it ever needs to strive for, proven by my giddy interest levels staying at their peak for over a week now even after playing every chance I get. There’s no need for a score here as the score is “Batman.” Go buy Arkham City- buy it new even- and you’ll thank me.

And oh snaps, I just got Dark Souls from Other Chris today! Looks like I’ve got a lot more torment in my future!

Will Usagi be attacked by two hundred statues? Find out in his 200th issue!

Before I dive into the actual 200th issue, you need some frame of reference. Artist/writer Stan Sakai started the series all the way back in 1987, first going through Fantagraphics for 38 issues, then with Mirage Comics for 16, and finally landing at Dark Horse up through today (141 issues and counting). The best and probably most amazing part of all of this, at least to me, is that Sakai is the sole creative mind at work here, both writing and drawing from the very beginning. Even better, Usagi Yojimbo is 100% his, so he’s allowed to take it wherever he pleases, and that’s just awesome.

Usagi Yojimbo, which is Japanese for “Rabbit Bodyguard,” follows the story of Miyamoto Usagi as he wanders feudal Japan as a ronin (masterless samurai). Everything is seeped in classic samurai tropes, so just about every village he enters is being terrorized by bandits, bandits that will very soon pay for getting in his way and harming innocent people. He’s a rabbit that has samurai swords; how can you go wrong with that?

He is apparently very scary for a samurai rabbit.

I’ve read quite a lot of the collected Usagi volumes, and one thing that always stood out to me is the vibrantly expressive cartoony anthropomorphized characters set inside this stoic, serious world where one minute a little lizard could be giggling at you, and the next everyone’s getting hacked to death by swords. Sakai doesn’t pull punches with the comic since characters most certainly die (usually addressed by a speech bubble with a sad skull drifting up from the body), but he strikes such a balance that the violence isn’t gratuitous. When I have a son, I’m so happy to know that I can hand him an issue of Usagi at any age feel perfectly okay with the subject matter.

Sakai’s style is just so well honed at this point that I can’t get enough of it. There’s a heavy manga influence happening here, but it’s not stifling in any way. It pays homage to the classics, such as Lone Wolf and Cub and the films of Kirosawa, but it’s still very much its own thing, even when the Ninja Turtles cross over with the warrior rabbit now and again (which is always wonderful).

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that bandit was terrorizing that villager.

So what do we have at work in issue 200? Titled Two Hundred Jizo (a jizo is a little Bubbha statue), Usagi wanders upon a village that’s…being terrorized by a group of bandits. Okay, stay with me here, because it’s not all about simply Usagi needing to beat guys up. Our titular character meets the artist who’s been carving these little statues and learns that a dream premonition told him to carve 200 jizo in order to rid his town of its troubles. Usagi shows up during the 199th…and that’s all I’m telling you on that issue! It’s a one-off story, which is somewhat of a lost art these days, so the fact that Sakai can start and finish a story within 24 pages and include action scenes, quiet dialogue moments, and even an ending that genuinely pays off, well that’s just amazing. It’s also not denting your wallet much since the price is simply $3.50, so if you have any interest in seeing what the deal is with Usagi, now is a perfect time to give him a shot. I promise that you won’t be disappointed in the least.

What does sadden me is that in all this time, Usagi hasn’t been converted into an awesome cartoon or placed into a full-on video game past the Commodore 64. I’d personally adore an animated series, but if I have to settle for his appearances in the TMNT cartoons, I suppose that’ll suffice. But Stan! If you’re listening! Please go do that! For me! Do it for me!

Quick, no-nonsense action. That's the way I like it.

But there’s no good reason to sit around here as I gush over Usagi Yojimbo when you could easily start the journey through the back issues. There are 200 issues to go through, not including color specials and bonus stories! Go to your local library, check some garage sales, or, more simply, head to Things From Another World and look there (no they didn’t tell me to say that, I just really like Things From Another World as well).

So Usagi fans out there, any moments you’d like to share? Would you like to help spread the good word on the good rabbit? Perhaps suggest a great starting point for new readers? Leave a comment and let your voice be heard! As for me, I’ve got some back issues to get through. (Not Yet) The End.

Oh boy, that looks exciting! ...Why isn't it?

Ever since the Game Boy days and the very first Pokemon versions, Red and Blue, fans began speculating where the series could go. What new Pokemon would be right around the corner? Would they ever make new types of Pokemon past the original 15? New attacks? More complicated battles? But biggest of all, we wanted to know when Pokemon would show up on the consoles.

At the time of Pokemon’s rise to popularity, the N64 was poised to be the perfect system for us to get our fix. Games began releasing as if to taunt us, such as Pokemon Snap, a great title that was sadly only about taking pictures of Pocket Monsters and limiting the creatures in-game to roughly 60 or so. Then Stadium and its sequel came out, though those titles were largely about the novelty of seeing the once pixilated characters in full 3D on the TV screen, fighting with elaborate battle animations and such (“elaborate” being relative for the time).

Eventually, when Nintendo Power started showing bits about the GameCube Pokemon games, specifically that they’d have a full story and everything, you couldn’t help but get excited. Sadly, that too would be a letdown as you couldn’t catch all 386 Pokemon at the time in either game since there were no random battles, somewhat eliminating the point of the open-ended world with limitless team combinations. Still, they weren’t awful as they packed in a lot within that simple story, so it wasn’t a total cop-out.

Alright Piplup, I've got high hopes. Don't fail me now!

No, that would happen when the Wii got its first Pokemon game to tie in with the release of Diamond and Pearl versions on the DS. At this point in time, a 3D Pokemon game needed to be more than any of the previous installments. It needed to impress us with amazing graphics, excellent sound, and a rich, full experience to justify a purchase or even really a rental, though really, if a Pokemon game is doing its job correctly a rental will never suffice.

Needless to say, I stand before you a disappointed Pokefan. Why is that? Because those three things I mentioned before –graphics, sound, and completion- were severely lacking with the new update. What we wanted was a version of the Game Boy/DS games for the Wii. What we got was a mild update to Stadium, which is pathetic considering the title called it a “battle revolution.”

Revolutionary!

Now it wouldn’t do any good to just say that the game was a disappointment and leave it at that. No, I’m going to hit those three points and explain what they needed to do and how they were lacking. So are we ready for a closer look? Well too bad because here we go.

Since the very beginning, Pokemon games have stuck to a very basic formula where there are hundreds of monsters but each creature only has four attack slots. Battles are always turn-based and consist of a simple battle animation for each attack, so a jet of water shooting at the opponent or seeing a shadow flung upside-down and dropped. When it came to the 3D games the same rules applied for some reason, so despite being in 3D, when a Pokemon performs an attack like Headbutt the animation still stops them from making physical contact with the other side of the arena.

This total disconnect always bothered me. The anime showed us these elaborate battles with Pokemon leaping around and dodging and performing amazing maneuvers in real time. The games however were slow and somewhat archaic by comparison, but it was understood that there were certain limitations due to graphics and memory restrictions and such. Those restrictions are no longer an excuse, so why haven’t we had more dynamic 3D battles?

Revolutionary...?!

Here’s my suggestion for how the game should look: Imagine the arena is set up like normal, perhaps with rocks and hazards and such, then the two Pocket Monsters are released and they size each other up while you decide to give them their first move. From there the attack phase goes normally with the Pokemon directly contacting each other with character-specific interactions and damage animations, so that if for instance Pidgeotto used Sky Attack on a Machamp, you’d see Machamp recoil from the hit and act accordingly as it looked up and saw the attack coming. After that first turn, the in-between phase would look like the two Pokemon battling back and forth essentially bouncing off of each other and dodging out the way or blocking or circling around or such without any damage being dealt until the next round of commands is issued. The goal is to make combat more dynamic without sacrificing the basic formula. Wouldn’t we all be happy with a more exciting presentation instead of seeing Pokemon jog toward the screen, punch, and then see the reverse shot when the opposing Pokemon falls back?

Next we have the horrible sound, something that’s still an issue even though we’ve moved so far past the humble Game Boy beginnings. For some reason that I can’t figure out, every Pokemon has a distinctive battle cry when they come out of their Pokeball, during certain attacks, and when getting knocked out. However, Pokemon from the original Blue, Red, and Green versions have had their voices entirely unchanged since the beginning, and all new Pokemon have to hold back what they could sound like in favor of something that more closely resembles the 8-bit chippy bleeps and screeches.

Wow, for a battlefield full of powerful legendaries, that sure looks pretty relaxed. Maybe the revolution is all via debate?

We’re past this by now; we have to be. The Wii isn’t the most powerful system out there, but it’s a heck of a lot stronger than the N64, and even that had games with fully spoken dialogue such as Star Fox 64. Heck, the GameCube had a vast number of games with tons of spoken dialogue beyond just RPG’s. Take Smash Bros for example where there are hundreds and hundreds of character grunts and sound effects. All I want is a Pokemon game where each Pokemon has a unique battle cry similar to what you’d hear from the anime, so that’d be around 649 different battle cries, plus perhaps maybe three variations of each, so we’re looking at 2,800 3-second voice clips? That doesn’t seem unreasonable really. Remember, the hope is to someday bridge the gap between the show and the games so that they seem one-to-one instead of seeing Ash do so many awesome things and devise all these brilliant strategies, only to then play the game and feel like something’s lacking.

So the graphics and sound have been taken care of, but that still leaves us with the story. I’ve complained enough about the handheld games and their insistence on retaining the same formula over and over again of “get starter Pokemon,” “collect eight Gym Badges,” and then “defeat Elite Four.” Oh, and of course “Catch ‘em All!” Despite my desire to see something new, (and nothing like the Coliseum games, please), at the very least what I and many others would love to see is a 3D Pokemon game that has those four aspects present. So far we’ve been able to battle trainers and Gym Leaders in Stadium and catch a few of the exorbitant number of Pokemon in Coliseum, but when Battle Revolution came out we were given only the bare minimum with generic battles and that’s it. At least Stadium gave us mini-games and a means to store and trade Pokemon easily from one version to the next.

Wait, is he actually doing something? I can't tell.

What Battle Revolution should have been was a fully fleshed-out version for the consoles. Nintendo and Game Freaks could have played their precious game of releasing two matching versions with exclusive Pokemon between the pair if they really wanted, but we deserved to see these games in 3D. Who wouldn’t want an open-world map where you can actually see the creatures wandering around, waiting to be battled and caught? The technology is there. The demand is certainly there. Where is this perfect game?

There are three simple ways to improve Battle Revolution, or rather the next console Pokemon game. But what do you think? What are you most wishing for in terms of a console Pokemon game? Were you pleased with Battle Revolution? Leave a comment and let me know. In the meantime, I think I’ll just go back and play Stadium some more.

Could there possibly be anything left for me to enjoy on yet another playthrough?

Currently the 3DS’ flagship title, Ocarina of Time 3D is my favorite game of all time remade with a graphical update, some tweaks to make controls simplified, and overall the addition of 3D. How can any of that not sound like a winner?

I’ll start with the graphics, since I’m pretty sure that no one needs a refresher course on the story here (Link must save Zelda and by extension also Hyrule from the evils of Ganondorf, there, happy?). Of all the things to get caught up in, I am genuinely surprised that the graphics ended up being my biggest purchase justifier. I’m just not a graphics person, I can’t be when I support Nintendo for so long and so adamantly, but I can’t help and just stare at the screen, seeing how the landscapes I grew up with have been carefully retouched to include smoother textures, more detailed features, and overall improvements.

For example, the ivy in the game used to be flat to the background as it was simply a bit of wallpaper to add detail and let you know that the wall was climbable. However, in the 3D remake, the ivy pops off of surfaces. Plus, and I may be mistaken, I think Link climbs faster this time around. Maybe I’m just way off?

So it looks nice, but what about the music? Is the music still great?

While the graphics became more powerful, the soundtrack was left entirely unaltered, save for a recomposition of the credits theme right at the end for the sake of the remake’s extra credits. I don’t quite know what to think of this. On the one hand, it’s nice that the original tracks were able to stand for themselves and show that they’ve withstood the ages as excellent songs. On the other hand, I’m a huge fan of revamped soundtracks and wouldn’t have minded the update to the sound one bit. Oh well, at least the music didn’t suffer at all, but wouldn’t it have been great to have something akin to Overclocked Remix’s excellent recomposed Street Fighter II soundtrack but for Ocarina of Time?

The controls though…well those didn’t suffer either. Everything is just about how you remember it with the touch screen only adding where necessary, not replacing what isn’t broken (thankfully). Now, instead of having three active item slots, you have four. Two of those are touch-based, which are definitely less responsive than the buttons, but letting them act as an item that doesn’t require constant use, like Deku sticks or the trading quest item, just shows their practicality.

Along with the touch screen comes some shifting around of the menus, so now the Ocarina is firmly located in the lower left of the screen and boots are no longer part of the equipment screen but rather actual items, allowing you to quickly take them off or put them back on with a single button press instead of navigating the pause menus. It speeds up the Water Temple a whole hell of a lot and for that I’m at least appreciative.

Success!

I will say this about the Ocarina playing though: Getting used to the new button layout will take a lot of time. I played Ocarina of Time on the N64 and then again on the GameCube, but here the buttons seem to be shifted 90 degrees. It’s not a deal breaker, but it’s somewhat frustrating to have to relearn the Ocarina after all these years of being a pro.

But does the game justify the need for 3D? The majority of reviews online tend to suggest that the 3D is a wasted feature that needs to be promptly switched off the second the game is loaded up. As I’m somehow immune to the “sickening effects” of the 3D, somehow, I left it on the entire game. As a result, those lovely graphics exploded even more into my face and rocked my socks harder than expected. Yes the 3D feature works and it is amazing. I didn’t feel like it was a gimmick and I didn’t feel it did anything except make the game look even more amazing. Full recommendation there.

I will admit to shutting the 3D off for these horse sections for some reason though. No idea why but I did.

However, I’m not so blind to nostalgia that I can’t see some flaws in both the remake and the original game. Replaying it now, I’ve gotta say, the bosses are so incredibly easy that it’s ridiculous. Perhaps I’ve just grown so used to them, but I didn’t once face a challenge here. I’m proud to say that I don’t have a single death recorded throughout the game, but I am a bit bothered that the death counter has been removed, so I can’t even prove it.

The game is beyond simple at its core. There’s little mystery and while you can explore here and there, the incentive to do so isn’t very high other than collecting rupees, a currency that loss all meaning about halfway through the game, and Gold Skulltulas, which ultimately reward you with the worst 100% complete gift ever of maxing out your rupees (which as I just said loses all meaning halfway through the game).

But, all of this is coming from someone who’s played the original game more than any other game. I know where everything is, I know how to defeat every enemy and boss, and I know exactly what’s going to happen next in the plot. I’m at an advantage and a disadvantage at the same time.

But what's new? What else have you got to get me to buy?

Thankfully for me there’s one part of Ocarina of Time 3D that I haven’t experienced yet: The Master Quest. Upon completion of the game, the Master Quest is unlocked, also known as the harder version of the game with a mirrored world and rearranged dungeons. I’ve never played the Master Quest before, and I didn’t particularly feel like purchasing the GameCube version since I already owned the Anniversary Collection, which includes a GameCube version of Ocarina of Time. The sad part is that you’re forced to play through the entire game to unlock the Master Quest, meaning that while I’ll play it eventually, I don’t have the energy to restart the game immediately from the beginning.

Honestly, I would really have loved some more content for longtime players such as a new dungeon or a new weapon or a new minigame or something. It’s nowhere near an aspect that’d push me away, as I was entertained the entire time and enjoying myself, but after getting all the Heart Pieces, upgrades, and beating the game, I was just sort of hit with a hollow feeling.

How much harder can this really be though? I welcome the challenge!

When it comes right down to it, Ocarina of Time 3D is worth every cent purely for the graphical update and the 3D functionality. The improved menu system only further adds to the title. Basically, if you’ve never played Ocarina of Time before for some reason, now is the absolute best time, and if you’ve played it as many times as I have but need an excuse to go through it one last time, here’s your chance.

But that’s of course just me. What have you guys thought of the remake? Did you love it or would you have preferred to pass? Leave a comment and let your voice be heard. Meanwhile, I have a Master Quest that needs my attention. Now if only we could get Majora’s Mask onto the 3DS…