Oh don't look so perplexed. You just gained the ability to speak, that's all.

As you’ve probably already heard, Metroid: Other M is developed by Team Ninja, the same developers behind Ninja Gaiden and Dead or Alive. You can rest easy knowing that Samus has not been sexualized past what she was already. You may be disappointed to learn that her other defining characteristic, staying silent, is completely done away with. She talks in cutscenes constantly, and apparently what she says is clichéd and obvious, as if she’s describing the scene like you were reading a book instead of watching it happen.

That seems to be a general complaint: The writing is dull and clichéd. It’s tricky because for a Metroid game to have Samus speak, you can’t just have “acceptable” dialogue for her. The consensus is Team Ninja couldn’t clear the bar for Samus’ character. They did soar right over the bar in terms of cutscenes though. The Wii’s processors must be spinning like crazy to keep up with whatever voodoo Team Ninja pulled off to craft cutscenes that look as nice as they do. Those alone might just be worth the $50 purchase.

Dang, that's pretty sick right there.

The other big question comes down to whether the controls are good or not. Fusing 2.5D platforming with some First Person Shooting, Metroid: Other M takes a huge risk. Just like Metroid Prime before it, Other M either meshes perfectly with the player or pushes them away completely. You’ll either love the new gameplay style or you’ll hate it. Yes, I’m being wishy-washy, but that’s what I’m reading from everywhere. Some people think the game plays great, others think it needs a tune-up. There have been multiple complaints about some of the FPS sections where the game forces you into the fixed camera point from Samus’ perspective until you can find whatever thing you’re supposed to find, a task multiple reviewers claim took them over ten minutes in places. So be warned about that.

Other than that, reviewers are looking favorably on this title due mostly to the graphics but also from the more-or-less solid gameplay. The cutscenes are regarded as the selling points and while Samus needs to hush up, the story is said to have some pretty good twists in the later half. This one will certainly be a love-it or leave-it game.

At the very least there is a ton of action.

But what do I think? I’m just happy that Team Ninja didn’t just put Samus in a bikini and parade her through some waterfalls, but I do wish she didn’t talk. I’m not going to be elitist and just not play Other M because of things I disagree with though since that’s just pointless. I’m sure I’ll love it when I play it, but Other M just means one thing I really hate: The Prime series is officially done. I want Retro Studios back at the helm of Metroid and I want to see what comes next. Metroid Prime 3 was too good a game to leave me hanging.

And that’s all there is to say about Metroid: Other M until I have it in my hands. The game isn’t terribly long, and the difficulty is said to be much simpler than previous Metroid games, so don’t feel too daunted by this one. Just don’t complain about the change of form. We’ve all been proven wrong in the past.

Want more game reviews? Check these out:

-Scott Pilgrim vs This Game Review: FIGHT!

-Wake Up And Smell The Puns: A Review of Alan Wake

-Outlaws to the End: A Review of Red Dead Redemption

Also, be sure to read the Metroid Retrospective as well!

Metroid (1986):

This is a classic game, so how can you go wrong?

To be completely honest, the first Metroid game, while enjoyable, is a game I’ve never beaten. I own it and played it a few times, but I couldn’t progress far enough in the game to the point of finishing Samus’ first adventure. Still, what I did play was very cool. At the time there just weren’t any other games like this one around. The concept of a side-scrolling platformer with action thrown in was one thing, but having a game built around exploration and character progression? That was something completely new. Add on a very good password system (Justin Bailey anyone?) and the surprise that Samus Aran a woman and you’ve got yourself a classic game.

Metroid II: Return of Samus (1991):

So simple, but so much fun.

It was odd for me but when I picked up Metroid II on the Game Boy I was expecting something of lesser quality than the first game. In yet another surprise, Metroid II has better graphics. It’s also stupidly difficult. Instead of progressing through the world like the previous game, looking for the next power-up to lead to the final boss, Metroid II tasked the player (and Samus I guess) with finding all Metroids and terminating them, eventually leading to a fight against one heck of a Metroid Queen. I was very proud of myself for finishing this one, but I’m not sure I could ever beat it again if I tried. I also, unfortunately, had to look up a map online just to figure out where to go. Seriously, how did gamers function back in the day? We must have just had more time I guess.

Super Metroid (1994):

Why do they insist on making these boss fights so hard?

Many gamers will have you believe that Super Metroid is the greatest game on the SNES. Many gamers have a very strong argument. Super Metroid takes everything that was great about the previous two games and kicks it up a notch, making for one hell of an SNES game. The graphics, music, and gameplay are all amazing, but the difficulty remains placed well above the abilities of normal gamers. Seriously, these games are hard. But Super Metroid pulls off the delicate balance of being difficult without feeling unfair, and even mixes in a great story with some light dramatic elements. It’s a good thing this game is on the Virtual Console if you can’t find the physical cartridge.

Metroid Prime (2002):

Man, that's an epic boss right there.

I had never played a Metroid game before hearing that Metroid Prime was announced. Despite that, when I learned that they were diverging from the classic 2D Metroid style into a 3D First Person Shooter, I instantly said, “No, this is stupid.” Then I got Metroid Prime for Christmas one year and popped it in my GameCube to see if it was any good. In a word: Yes. Metroid Prime is currently my third favorite game of all time, a game I’ve played through numerous times and still want to play through again. I even beat this one on the hardest difficulty setting with 100% completion. Metroid has always been about the feelings of isolation and aloneness as Samus wanders dead, empty worlds fighting off whatever she can with whatever she can, but in Metroid Prime that feeling gets heightened due to playing from Samus’ perspective. Couple this with a truly haunting soundtrack and it’s hard to do better. Whenever I hear the music play for Phendrana Drifts I still get shivers and a tear comes to my eye. Plus, the boss fight against Metroid Prime stands as one of the best I can recall. Just a perfect game all around.

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2004):

Light Suit? My favorite suit from the series.

I thought it was weird that I seemed to be the only individual excited about Metroid Prime 2. You want to guess why? Halo 2 was also coming out around the same time. Dang. I still picked up Metroid Prime 2 and blasted through it, loving it for what it was once more. This time, something new happened in a Metroid game: Interactions with people! It was really refreshing to see Samus speaking with someone, er, well, seeing them speak to her. The game was still packed with the isolated feeling, but it wasn’t so overpowering this time. A lot of gamers seamed to hate the Light World/Dark World thing going on in this game, but I didn’t mind it. This was yet another game I beat with 100% completion on the hardest difficulty, and yeah, it was certainly harder than the first Prime game. At this point, I was just eager to see how this trilogy would end.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (2007):

Adding extra characters in a Metroid game can be risky, but they pulled it off.

Gamers got in a stink when they found out Metroid Prime 3 wouldn’t have multiplayer. How stupid do you have to be to say you’re not buying a Metroid game due to a lack of multiplayer? “I won’t purchase this washing machine because it doesn’t play DVD’s.” Whatever, that didn’t effect me at all since, awesome, the controls only got better and the series only keep staying great. Prime 3 was even less about feeling isolated, and best of all, dialogue was granted full voice-over work. Excellent! Getting to point the Wiimote at the screen and shoot with precision was near perfect, and the difficulty remained fair but challenging. The worlds to explore were huge and filled with nooks and crannies everywhere, so my exploration itch was scratched. And wouldn’t you know it, they managed to give Samus some real character depth and growth without resorting to overly dramatic moments or even clichéd voice-overs. There’s at least one scene where Samus silently wrestles with the actions she’s been forced to take during the game, and I’ll admit, I got misty-eyed. My only frustration was that if you get the 100% completion, you see a cutscene that implies the series has more to do, but I know Retro Studios isn’t the one making them, so what am I to do?

Metroid Prime Pinball (2005):

Yup, that looks like pinball alright.

I wasn’t quite sure why Nintendo got bit by the pinball bug so often, but Metroid was turned into a pinball game for some strange reason. Metroid Prime Pinball was a retelling of the first Metroid Prime game via the pinball medium, because that made sense. Oh well, this is pinball, so the point isn’t to reinvent the wheel, just provide fantastic pinball, which was what happened here. It was just pinball with a Metroid flair, so I don’t have much, if anything, to say here. I enjoyed playing the game when I’d be standing in a Game Crazy dinking around on the demo systems, but that was as far as I went with this one. Still worth it if you love you some pinball.

Metroid Prime Hunters (2006):

Surprisingly, the DS works really well for FPS games.

I thought Metroid Prime Hunters was going to be a launch title for the Nintendo DS, but it wasn’t. It did, however, come with a Metroid Prime Hunters demo packed in, a demo that I played over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to think about it, but when the game actually came out, I was overall pleased. Gone was the majority of the Metroid feel, replaced by a pretty good multiplayer atmosphere. Samus was now competing against six other bounty hunters with unique powers and guns, allowing for entertaining multiplayer matches. The main problem the game suffered from was the control scheme. It is pretty much impossible to play this game without your pinky and ring fingers going numb. Your other hand is also going to be super tired from having to hold the DS by itself and pressing the shoulder button to fire. The game controls great, but it comes at a vast personal loss. Oh, and while the multiplayer is good, playing online against anyone will make you never want to play online again. I hate getting beaten that badly so often. How is that fun? Meh, I was just happy to have finished this title.

Metroid Fusion (2002):

The GBA was just built for Metroid, if you ask me.

Fusion was probably my first 2D Metroid game, if I remember correctly. It was very, very good, despite the usual difficulty that goes hand-in-hand with Metroid games. The controls were great, the music was great, the graphics were great, great great great. I have no idea how anyone can get the best ending though. In order to obtain the perfect ending, you have to beat the game with 100% completion in under two hours. That’s insane. I had a friend who borrowed the game from me and decided to attempt this. Over the course of a week, he replayed the game again and again in order to map the fastest route for getting everything. At the end of his epic week, he tore through the game with a 100% completion score in exactly two hours. He was furious. Why? Because you have to have 1:59 or less on your game file to get the perfect ending. His 2:00 only rewarded him with the second best ending. I don’t think he ever played a Metroid again, and I wouldn’t blame him.

Metroid Zero Mission (2004):

Okay, I take it back. The Zero Suit is my favorite suit.

Zero Mission is a remake of the original Metroid and holds a special place in my heart as the first game I beat in its entirety while on the clock at Game Crazy. Yes, Game Crazy paid me to stand around playing a Metroid game since there were no customers and I had done everything in the store, leaving me with tons of free time to play through Samus’ first adventure. Since this is a remake of the original game, I consider this beating all the Metroid games. Is that cheating? Well of course it is. Zero Mission added a bit more after the main story was resolved, sort of like an incentive to play the remake even if you’ve played the original. The differences between the two games are vast, and honestly I prefer this take much better, maybe because I was able to beat this one. No matter, you should play Zero Mission if you haven’t already because it is super fun.

And that concludes my experience with the Metroid series, save for Other M. I’m still on the fence about buying it, but I’ll be sure to let you know what the reviews are saying. In the meantime, why don’t you tell me about your time with the Metroid series. Are you a fan? Or could you just never get into it? Leave a comment and let your voice be heard. Or pull a Samus and don’t speak, whatever.

Want more retrospectives? Check these out:

-Mario: A Retrospective

-My Pokemon Team Over The Years

-Crash Bandicoot: A Retrospective

Some of you have already played Scott Pilgrim’s arcade game on the PSN since it was released a few weeks ago. However, the XBLA didn’t get the game until this last Wednesday, and since I don’t own a PS3, I had to wait. As soon as I could on Wednesday afternoon, I went onto the XBLA and bought Scott Pilgrim’s game. Okay, first I had to buy $10’s worth of XBLA points, which is crap because I had roughly $4 in points and just needed $6 more, but you can’t buy $6’s worth of points, only $5 or $10. That’s also crap. Oh yeah, the game!

Ready, set, START!

The Scott Pilgrim movie had me sold the moment the Universal logo came on all pixilated with a chiptunes soundtrack. The Universal logo appears at the beginning of the game, though it’s just the normal logo and everything. That was…kind of disappointing. Okay, whatever, that’s not the game. Onto the game.

The game is good. I was extremely hesitant when I learned Ubisoft was the one handling the Scott Pilgrim game property, mostly because I’ve seen how Ubisoft has handled the TMNT property (spoiler: not very well). Thankfully, they got things right, for the most part. And I’m going to be using that qualifier a lot here: “For the most part.” Get used to it.

There was a lot Ubisoft could have got wrong. Thankfully, they didn't screw things up too badly.

So you have four choices of characters between Scott, Kim Pine, Steven Stills, and Ramona Flowers. I played through the game as Scott because it made the most sense to me. It’s nice to have the four options to choose from, but I honestly would have liked more. I kind of wanted to play as Wallace, or even Young Neil, and especially Knives, but I’m stuck with these four choices. That’s okay I guess, for the most part.

Alright, combat. Combat is good, for the most part, insomuch as you have some basic attacks and then level up to gain new abilities. Your four main buttons let you jump, block, light melee and strong melee, but you quickly gain the ability to do a heck of a lot more. The tough part about combat is that you really, really need the higher-up moves to survive later in the game, but you can only gain those by leveling up, i.e. grinding your character a bit. Granted, you’ll be retrying some levels due to dying so it’ll balance itself out, but be aware that there is some grinding involved to beat the game.

My big complaint with combat falls on the limitation of the 2-D sprites. They look awesome, no complaints there, but frequently, as with a lot of old-school beat-‘em-ups, you’ll be trying to hit someone with an attack and they’re just slightly above your character’s plain, so you don’t hit them, almost like they’re literally a flat, 2-D character that can move in 3-D. It’s not awful, but it’s something that frustrated me about older games and it’s still broken today.

Maybe the grind isn't so bad with friends, but I'll never know.

If you have to pick one game that Scott Pilgrim borrows from the most, besides the numerous references, it is River City Ransom for the NES, a super sweet beat-‘em-up that plays almost identical to Scott Pilgrim: The Game in terms of combat. However, that’s not a bad thing at all because I loved River City Ransom. The big thing it did was incorporate weapons for use by all characters. You can pick up trashcans, bats, snowballs, even downed enemies, and either beat your foes with it or hurl it across the screen. This would be great, except for the fact that my character hardly ever wants to pick up an item when I command him to. You have to be standing in just the right spot to grab the item, and then if an enemy hits you, probably from behind because that’s where they like to stand, then you drop the item and have to pick it up again. Even worse, I repeatedly injured myself throwing an item, only to have it bounce off the edge of the screen and smack me in the face. That’s annoying, even more so when you keep doing it by accident.

All things aside, the game is really fun, for the most part. Levels do a good job of varying things up, and enemies range pretty well between standard and specialized enemies. Everything remains pretty fun until the final level against Gideon. The first boss fight with him is pretty simple once you figure things out. Then comes the second boss fight, a fight that was absolutely terrible. My fun plummeted for a few reasons. The first is that the second fight required almost zero skill. Just keep rushing up and beating away until you get super-punched. Then, when you ARE super-punched, you get hurled across the screen. This wasn’t fun because I’d get punched, hurled, land, and instantly punched again before I could do anything. I wasn’t at risk of losing the match because I had leveled Scott up enough to withstand crap like that, but still, I hated that finale.

The funny thing is, if this had come out on the SNES it would be considered an honored classic today.

Now comes the worst part of the review: Things that broke for me. I’m talking literally, as in “Times while playing where the game glitched and broke.” Simple things happen all the time, such as an enemy getting knocked out but remaining in the background, untouchable and just standing there doing nothing, but then there were bigger problems. For one, I keep hearing the music pull an 8-bit skip similar to what the NES would do right before crashing. Moments when the music stretches a note for a second longer than it should freaks me out and sends me back to the days when at any moment the game could freeze up and have to be restarted.

However, the worst glitch happened in the last level of the game when fighting that second form of Gideon. Before even getting to the boss encounter, you have to run across a random floating pathway, then jump on some clouds to the final platform. This is fine, but I fell off the pathway. Normally, when that happens you’re just placed back on the pathway with a few health points reduced. For me, instead of falling off and being placed back on, I somehow fell through the top layer of the game, meaning I was running around in the background unable to do anything. I ran to the spawn point for Gideon, and he showed up, but he couldn’t touch me and I couldn’t touch him. I then ran past the edge of the screen to the literal edge of what the programmers had programmed, and found myself in a white void. I was forced to restart the level, super pissed and with little confidence in the game’s QA department.

My final gripe is that the multiplayer is local only. I really want to play multiplayer here, but that would require me to have enough friends with Xbox 360 controllers who care about Scott Pilgrim AND who like beat-‘em-ups, and that combo isn’t easy to come by. If the multiplayer supported Xbox Live players, too, similar to how the TMNT Arcade Game does, then everything would be roses. Oh well, the single player is still good, for the most part.

Scott, teach me your ways, and I shall in turn teach you why some of them are wrong.

I just don’t know what to think about Scott Pilgrim’s game. It’s a fun game, and the references to other games only makes things better. The game has tons of personality and is by all regards a fun game to play. I just wanted more, I guess. I can play through the TMNT Arcade Game over and over because it’s short and simple. Scott Pilgrim is a game I don’t really want to play through again right away because I know the amount of work it requires, but after the game is beat, there’s not much else to do except replay it. I know there are a Boss Rush mode and a Zombie Hoard thing, but I don’t know where those are since they’re not listed. All I’m really left to do is complete a few silly achievements should I choose (seriously, 10 points for getting through a level untouched and 20 for just buying everything at a store? Are you kidding me?).

For you, the choice of whether to buy the game rests on your love of Scott Pilgrim and beat-‘em-up games. The game does both of those really well, but as a whole, it’s somewhat lacking. Pick it up if you have the points to spare, otherwise, maybe wait until this goes on sale with a half-price deal or something. Scott Pilgrim barely wins video game.

Want more game reviews? Check these out:

-Why Are You Reading This? StarCraft II Wings of Liberty Review

-Outlaws to the End: A Review of Red Dead Redemption

-An Epic Gaming Session: A Review of God of War III

Blue Version:

I know some of your are going to argue that Red Version was better. I don't care; I know you're wrong.

As with most Pokemon fans, I started with the first generation, specifically Blue Version (I don’t care if you think Red Version’s better, I didn’t play that one so shove off). I played through the whole game a few times, but I came to prefer a few specific Pokemon over others. Naturally, my Jolteon was my favorite, having a Thunder attack that never missed, plus Pin Missile for Psychics-types and Double Kick for any Rock-type that tried to take Jolteon down.

No one should ever question my Jolteon. No one. He'll eat your family and not care.

Second to Jolteon was Mewtwo, entirely overpowered with Psychic and Recover, but come on, if you have a Psychic-type and didn’t teach it Psychic, you were playing the game wrong. In fact, I taught Psychic to pretty much every Pokemon that could learn it. My Gengar for instance had a nice variety of attacks, Psychic included, as well as Thunder and Giga Drain, a big overkill against Water-types but very useful in a pinch. Combo those crazy-powerful moves with Hypnosis and it was almost like cheating.

Also critical to my team was a beastly Rhydon that knew the all-important Ground-type move, Earthquake. There just wasn’t a better Ground-type move in my eyes. Besides knowing Horn Drill, a one-hit K.O. that somehow hit way more than it was statistically supposed to, I taught my Rhydon surf. Did you know Rhydon could learn Surf? Dang, if not then you’re REALLY playing the game wrong.

I didn’t know a lot of other players who favored Golduck, but he was one of my original favorites (he was in the top 15 of my original Best Of list). I gave him Surf, as required, as well as a few other attacks, but it was Confusion that gave him the best edge since most Grass-types were also Poison-types during the first generation.

And hey, why not? Can't go wrong with the ol' fire starter.

My last Pokemon was Charizard (check the Deviant Art yo!) with the classic Fire-type move Fire Blast. I also gave him Fly to deal with fighting types and Dig to combat the Rock-types whenever they came out. Overall, I stuck pretty much exclusively to this team, specifically when going through both Pokemon Stadium 1 & 2, and it worked out for me pretty well. It was rare that I’d have to use more than two Pokemon per battle, so I must have done something right.

Yellow Version:

Game Freaks: Smart move making Pikachu a Pokemon actually worth using.

By the time Yellow Version came out I was pretty well addicted to Pokemon, and when I learned that it actually adhered closer to the anime in terms of story and a few other things, I thought it was awesome. While my team didn’t initially seem all that interesting (my team was almost exactly Trainer Red’s team from Pokemon Gold/Silver), it was when I decided to take on the Poke Cup in Pokemon Stadium that I knew I’d need some serious strategy, so I planned accordingly. I’m extremely proud of this team, but it may look odd for a few reasons. However, it makes sense if you understand the restraints of the Poke Cup: Pokemon between levels 50-55 only and when you select three Pokemon for a particular match their combined levels cannot equal more than 155.

I was very addicted to the Pikachu the game provided me with, (as well as most recently with this Deviant Artist’s Pikachu) so I used him as the usual opener for most battles. He knew Thunder Wave and Thunderbolt, two good Electric-type moves for reliability. If I intended to go the distance in a fight, I paralyzed my opponent, then started spamming Double Team for stupid-high evasiveness. And if I needed one last good oomph, I used Mega Kick.

Charizard returned with moves identical to the ones previously described from my Blue Version party. And while he was effective, my real beast this time became a Nidoking that knew Earthquake, Toxic, and Ice Beam. Oh man, knowing an Ice-type attack comes in so handy when you least expect it, especially these generations. If you can take any advice from me, it’s to teach Ice-type moves whenever possible.

I used a Gyarados for my Water-type needs, though I also taught it Thunder in case I was fighting another Water-type. Oh, and Hyperbeam, just because Hyperbeam is such a cool attack. Totally ineffective if you use it at the wrong time, but man, when it finished a match, it was just sweet.

For a real change I threw in Dragonair. Why not Dragonite? Because Dragonite would have to be level 55 and I had to plan my team properly. It worked better to have most Pokemon at level 51 and 52 so that I could balance stats better. Having the rest of my party a few levels higher was much more beneficial than having one at the max level. Anyway, my Dragonite knew Thunderbolt, Blizzard, and Surf, making it a good all-around Pokemon for usefulness and raw power in most situations.

Okay, I'll admit, maybe I didn't hate Mew all that much.

But I still needed a suitable Psychic-type in my team, otherwise I’d get stomped way too easily. Therefore, Alakazam was brought in with Psychic and Dig, just in case it needed to escape for an attack round. To be honest though, the reason I had an Alakazam was because I learned my Mew couldn’t be used in the Poke Cup, even though I had trained it with Psychic, Rock Slide, Mega Punch, and Metronome in case I wanted a last-ditch attack. This team someone led me to victory in the Poke Cup, and since then I haven’t used nearly as much strategy in my teams.

Silver Version:

While Silver Version was my favorite, I didn’t have the energy required to think out elaborate strategies for teams and then go about training them properly. Things were just quickly becoming too much for me to handle. Still, I had a few staples of my party.

Staples like this beast right here.

My number one, Feraligatr, was my go-to guy for the majority of the game. The Elite Four were a real pain in my side until I came up with the genius idea to teach Feraligatr Ice Punch, thus making him an ultra dominator against Lance’s entire team of Dragons. And if Psychic-types appeared, a good old-fashioned Bite sent them packing. Feraligatr went through the Elite Four more than fifty times, helping to raise dozens of younger Pokemon to evolution.

And while Feraligatr was incredibly useful, sometimes I still needed a good Psychic-type to deal with wannabies. Lugia was good for that, knowing Psychic, Recover, and Surf, plus Aeroblast just because. Still, while Lugia was pretty useful against most types, against other Psychic-types the best option was my Tyranitar with Crunch, the Psychic-killer. He also knew Rock Slide, Earthquake, and Fire Punch to axe any poser getting too close.

The rest of my team was kind of hit-or-miss, getting used the majority of the game but not really standing out much. I used an Ampharos for a while that knew Thunder, Thunder Wave, Iron Tail, and Fire Punch, giving it pretty decent coverage against opponents, but no matter what I did, Ampharos never felt that powerful. I used a red Gyarados with no real spectacular moves, and a Donphan that knew Earthquake and Rollout. See? My Silver Version team is just unspectacular. I didn’t need anyone other than my Feraigatr, Lugia, and Tyranitar.

LeafGreen Version:

That's actually me in the background there, by the way. It was before the beard.

Are you wondering where my Sapphire Version team is? To be honest, I looked through the game to see whom I’d used and the results were painfully boring. I didn’t even put any time into catching and evolving the other Pokemon of the game. I simply just didn’t care.

LeafGreen is almost as bad. In fact, it might be worse because in looking at my team I can see that I haven’t even beaten the Elite Four yet. I also didn’t get a chance to trade any key Pokemon to evolve, so I have a Kadabra, a Haunter, and a Graveler rather than an Alakazam, a Gengar, and a Golem.

I didn’t even pick a starter I was happy with. My Squirtle became a Blastoise really quick, but I couldn’t make him very effective in any setting despite knowing Surf, Bite, and Dig. I don’t even have a sixth slot filled, currently in flux between one of the three Legendary Bird Pokemon of the game.

Maybe it was because he was a big stupid turtle with a canon on his back.

The only real standout here is my Persian, which I’ve mentioned before. I was absolutely determined to make this Pokemon work, so I taught it Dig, Bite, and Shock Wave. I don’t know why I expected that to be so cool, but that was as good as I could do, and it didn’t even provide me with a victory over the Elite Four. I promise you though, my fourth generation Pokemon are better.

Diamond Version:

I had the luck of having two close friends also huge on Pokemon at the time of Diamond and Pearl’s release. I picked up Diamond the same as my friend Trinh, whereas Thomas had Pearl. Along with this camaraderie came a significant drive to ACTUALLY play the game I bought. Just the other night I popped Diamond Version back into my DS and took on the Elite Four to train a few random Pokemon, and even though I had only beaten the Elite Four once before, this second time was no problem whatsoever.

I chose Piplup as my starter, deciding that a Water/Steel-type in a final evolution was a cool type to go with, even though I secretly wanted to have Chimchar (I just couldn’t get past the whole “It’s just Torchic but a monkey” thing). Now an Empoleon, it knows Blizzard (take that Dragons!), Drill Peck, Metal claw, and its all-powerful move Surf. I took town most of my opponents just by surfing them to death. Surf is the best Water-type move rather than Hydro Pump. Don’t believe me? Just use Surf enough and you’ll trust it over Hydro Pump.

This isn't me riding an Empoleon, but you get the picture.

I also found a ton of use out of my Staraptor, being another Pokemon I obtained almost at the very beginning of the game. While three of its four moves are Flying-type attacks, they all have a different use. I have Fly for most occasions, Aerial Ace for most others, and Brave Bird when I need to make sure my last attack finishes the battle. His fourth and final move is his best, though: Close Combat. A Fighting-type move for a Flying-type is so danged useful I don’t know why more people wouldn’t be singing its praise. All Steel, Rock, Normal, and Dark-types are screwed, especially since my Staraptor is holding a Fist Plate, making that close Combat even stronger.

Next up is a more traditional favorite, Gengar, back with some new moves. Still keeping Thunder, we add on Shadow Ball and Dark Pulse. Turns out Shadow Ball gets the most use of its four attacks, but Thunder does come in pretty handy. Also in the “classics” category is Golem, stacked with Earthquake, as all good Ground-types should be.

Luxray was a surprisingly great Electric-type, knowing Thunder Fang and Spark, but also learning Charge, enabling it to spend a turn powering up if I knew I wasn’t hitting my opponent that very second. Toss in Crunch and you’ve got yourself a real winner.

Holy crap! Shoop-da-whoop of Time!

And following all of these in my party as my “Reinforcement Pokemon” is Dialga with Metal Claw, Dragon Claw, Ancient Power, and the attack with the greatest name ever, Roar of Time. I don’t even care that it takes a turn to rest after wiping out my opponent; it is just too awesome.

So there you go, now you know my teams. I’m sure some of you have much better strategies than I do, so why don’t you tell me all about them in the comments. Be warned: If you outrage me enough I may unleash Roar of Time at you, and I promise you won’t like it.

Looking for more retrospectives? Check these out:

-Mario: A Retrospctive

-Zelda: A Retrospctive

-Smash Bros: A Retrospective

10. Rattata:

I'm gonna be calling a lot of things cute today, so bear with me.

Pretty much every trainer starting out in Red or Blue version got their first five Pokeballs and went out to catch the basic “learning” Pokemon of the game such as Pidgey, Spearow, and Caterpie. Inevitably, you will catch a Rattata and probably think, “Aw, how cute this little guy is!” Then he’ll start to get stronger and faster and suddenly you learn to love him. Eventually the fated moment comes when he reaches level 20 and begins to evolve…only to turn into a big ol’ rat monster! What happened to my cute-yet-badass rat-friend? Suddenly he looks like he has a serious case of rabies and I don’t want anything to do with him, Hyper-Fang or not.

9. Jigglypuff:

I can't quite figure out why Jigglypuff had such a following, but she did kick a lot of butt in Melee.

One of the early big names from Pokemon was Jigglypuff for some strange reason. Super Smash Bros made the odd decision to include her as one of the 12 playable characters. When I caught a Jigglypuff in blue version, I spent some time dinking around with her, seeing what she could and couldn’t do. It was when I learned she could evolve via a Moonstone that my troubles really began. “What does Jigglypuff turn into?” I wondered. Well, she evolves into Wigglytuff, probably the most pitiful next evolution a designer could think of. “Uh, make her slightly bigger and give her longer ears.” “What, like a bunny?” “Sure, why the hell not?” “What do we name her?” “I don’t know, ‘Wigglytuff’ or some crap like that, I’ve got Charizards to design.” I was so disappointed that I left her in some random box in my computer and never spoke to her again.

8. Shellos:

Somehow they made a slug look cute. Well good on them for that.

Shellos is one of those weird Pokemon that you just can’t figure out. I didn’t really have high hopes for the next generation of Pokemon, but a slug thing? Yeah alright, that’s cool. At least Shellos was special in that there were two different-looking versions you could get: A blue version and a pink version, one from the East and one from the West. Sure, that was kind of cool, like Nidorans and whatnot. Then it evolved from a cute slug thing to a larger slug thing with horns. Ah. And the two evolved forms look pretty much identical except one is pink and one is blue. Oh. Okay then. I’ll just not catch any more slug Pokemon for a while, thanks.

7. Buizel:

This little guy could have easily been a main character of any other show.

Hey, we remember my thoughts on Buizel from a while ago, right? Of course we do. In fact, they got at least one commenter to instantly hate me because I didn’t like what Buizel becomes. Buizel is an ultra cute otter Pokemon with a few cool moves and a lot of potential. Floatzel looks like a 40-year-old transvestite. Should I even continue on? I’m not arguing usefulness of evolutions here; I’m just talking aesthetic appeal. Buizel made me want to snuggle it during naptime. Floatzel made me want to take multiple showers. Literally, it was like I brought home a cute girl, dated her for a while, and then on my wedding night realized she was a 40-year-old dude. I’ll never make that mistake again.

6. Bidoof:

Why do I keep making lists with Bidoofs in them?

Why is Bidoof making yet another appearance on a Pokemon list? That’s a good question. While Bibarel is not a terrible evolution in of itself, one must think of a deeper question: “How does one evolve into a Bibarel?” First, one must have a Bidoof. Secondly, one must train a Bidoof. Third, one must train a Bidoff enough that it evolves. This implies that I’d have to keep Bidoof in my party for longer than a few minutes. Well, my list clearly states “Pokemon I’d Rather Not Evolve,” so I’d say Bidoof fits in quite nicely there. Case closed. No one likes Bidoof.

5. Aipom:

Heh, silly monkey.

Gold and Silver versions were some seriously sweet games, weren’t they? One of the new Pokemon was a monkey-like critter named Aipom, found by headbutting bushes. Okay, sure, I can dig that logic. Aipoms had smiley faces and tails with what looked like a hand on the end (oh, “A Palm,” I see what you did there). I wasn’t big on Aipom as a Pokemon to keep and train, mostly because it didn’t evolve in Gold and Silver. I had my party, I didn’t need any more. Well, along comes Diamond and Pearl with a new evolution, just because. Ambipom, a super creepy monkey with two tail-hands and a smile that’d get most dudes sent to prison instantly. I don’t even know if Ambipom is a useful Pokemon or not. I’m just not letting that thing near my Buizel, if you get my drift.

4. Yanma:

A non-offensive Bug-type. Okay, I can live with that.

Yet another case of the 4th Pokemon generation screwing things up, Yanma was a simple enough Bug-type that filled the much-needed dragonfly slot in the Pokedex. If you’ve got bugs, you just need a dragonfly in there somewhere. It’s required. I’m not a fan of bugs, but Yanma was inoffensive and looked, as I’ve said for a lot of Pokemon on this list, kind of cute. Fast-forward two generations and take a look at Yanmega. AAAAAH! Why did they do that to Yanma?! It’s like if Bulbasaur evolved into Murdersaur and had blood dripping from its teeth and red eyes that hated anything alive. Good Lord, just get it away! Forget Bug-type Pokemon! This is all your fault Yanmega!

3. Glameow:

I can't help myself, I like cats.

If Buizel evolves into a 40-year-old transvestite, Glameow evolves into Rosie O’ Donnell. I’m a huge fan of cats, so much so that I seriously tried to make a Persian work for my party in Yellow version (fairly well I might add). A new cat tends to appear once a generation with Meowth starting things off, then Skitty, and even a few legendary big cats in Entei, Raikou, and Suicune. So along comes the 4th generation and throws in Glameow, a perfectly nice cat Pokemon. Cool, what could it possibly evolve into? Purugly, the biggest punchline ever to a Pokemon evolution. I mean, jeez, hell of a joke to throw in there, what with this pretty little kitty turning into a hambeast at level 38. Gah, I just want to figure out who’s in charge of this evolution business and give them a swift kick to the Cheribis.

2. Lickitung:

I suppose in the right setting, even Lickitung looks cool.

Did anyone really like Lickitung from the first Pokemon games? Be honest now, I need to know this for the sake of science and argument. Okay, I’m going to assume that no one stepped forward to back up Lickitung as worthy of existing in the first place. It was a weird “Hey alright, here’s a Pokemon with a long tongue” thing that was more a novelty for the most part. That’s totally fine. Then along comes some 4th generation designer and thinks, “You know which Pokemon really needs an evolution?” “Skarmory?” “No, heck no, I’m all about Lickitung.” “Oh, but not Skarmory?” “No I said! I want you to take Lickitung and make it even stupider looking, like it thinks it found some dignity somewhere by getting a really dumb haircut. Make that.” “But, uh, seriously, Skarmory can turn into Skarmorade and it’ll be no-“ “Lickilicky I said!” Aaaaaand scene.

1. Pikachu:

How could anyone really want to change this little furry guy?

The original mascot of the series, Pikachu is that one Pokemon that everyone knows and wants to catch. Game Freaks seems to even attempt to recreate Pikachu every new generation with some weird alternate Pikachu, such as Pichu, Plusle and Minum, and Pachirisu, more commonly referred to as “Pikasquirrel.” So with this staple of the series being capable of evolution from the very beginning, you’d assume it could only get better, right? Well, the first time you use a Thunderstone to evolve your Pikachu, you get a Raichu, a fat, fake tan-looking version of your beloved friend that looks more natural with a few popped-collars and a Pabst than out battling other bros for sport. I know there are some fans out there that swear by Raichu, but the majority of us can’t bear the thought of losing Pikachu for the sake of competition. Heck, even Yellow version sought to rectify this by making the Pikachu in that game super powerful via the Light Ball it was carrying. You just can’t evolve Pikachu and be happy about it, so he tops my list and end of story.

So there we go, my list if over. Now I open things up for commenters to give their say on the matter. Did I miss any obvious inclusions? Or did I include something that I totally disagree with? Let me know with a comment or two. Just don’t be surprised if I fail to evolve into someone who cares.

And remember, all the images today came from Deviant Art, a community y’all should support because it’s pretty danged cool. If you like any of the pictures you saw, click the link located in the Pokemon’s name and check out more awesome pics by these artist. Okay, I’m out!

If you want more Pokemon, check out these articles:

-Top 10 Best Pokemon Ever

-My Top 10 Greatest Pokemon Related Achievements

-More To Catch: Pokemon Toys Retrospective

Doesn't that just make you want to start playing right now?

Released in 1994, “Tie Fighter” was the sequel to “Star Wars: X-Wing” and was the first Star Wars game that put you in the role of the Galactic Empire. They may have been bad, but the game was nothing short of awesome, and I submit it as the best flight simulator ever.

The game put you in the day-to-day life of a faceless TIE pilot, who goes through training and simulations before earning medals and promotions in actual space combat. Along the way, you are given secret objectives for your missions by a mysterious cloaked figure, and you work to thwart a plot against the Emperor.

The really well-done aspect of “TIE Fighter” was the 3D designs of space battles that consoles could not do at the time. Instead of side-scrolling, rail-shooting, or any other overt video game design, this old CD-ROM gem put you right in the middle of space, and you could move thousands of miles away from a fight, or crash right into a star destroyer. Dogfights were now tense, with both combatants working to get behind the other to vaporize him.

As far as variety in plot and gameplay, I was always a fan of the enemies. Instead of just shooting at Luke Skywalker and the other Rebels, the protagonist of “TIE Fighter” was preventing civil wars, acting as a customs agent for smuggling, and chasing down space pirates. It shined a new light on the villains: peace-keepers.

Now that's just snazzy right there.

Controlling this game was largely tedious without a decent joystick. The best combination was using the joystick for movement and firing, while using the keyboard for other systems. You could dial up the shield power, engine power, etc. and hit the eject or lightspeed buttons at any time on the keyboard. It felt like a real set of flight instruments.

The reason this game is a Forget-Me-Not for me is the fond memories I had of blasting Z-95 Headhunters until bedtime. There’s also a much darker story.

In the summer of 1996, my parents hosted a weekend barbecue to celebrate the local air show. My uncle, in a fit of euphoria over “TIE Fighter,” inadvertently messed up the computer is some strange way. He merged my game with my brother’s, and suddenly there were dozens of players with blue turbo-powered sneakers wandering through space. My spaceship was firing orange balls instead of green darts of energy. And John Williams music was replaced by a strange combination of his classical score and techno beats.

My dad corrected the error, and my game was mine again, but I never forgot about the terrifying images. I wish I could play that game, just one last time.

Because it was an MS-DOS based game, it is hard to find, and even more difficult to install on a modern computer. If anyone can find it in an easy way, I would be much obliged.

Looking for more forget-Me-Nots? Check these out:

-Forget-Me-Nots: Lone Ranger Action Figure

-Forget-Me-Nots: Pizza Power Board Game

-Remember the 1987 Ghostbusters Firehouse Playset

How about Star Wars? We’ve got more of that, too:

-The Force Unleashed II Preview

-Kyle’s Top 10 Most Unattainable Toys

-Your Guide to Star Wars Action Figures

Incorrect shirt: Scarface references are no longer humorous on shirts, especially video game shirts.

First, you are probably dressed incorrectly for your hobby. Are you wearing a shirt? This could already be a problem. Shirts are typically optional when playing video games. However, the exception comes when your shirt has some sort of video game character or reference on it. Does it say “Your Princess Is On Another T-Shirt?” It darn well better, otherwise there’s a chance you’re wearing a button-up shirt with a popped collar, and if that happens to be the case, Lord have mercy on your soul because I sure won’t.

Correct shirt: This shirt is awesome and you will look awesome wearing it.

Now that you’re dressed like a slob (assuming you’re dressed at all), you need to get into the mood. Are you playing alone or with friends? That’s a trick question, because you’re either playing alone or against a bunch of other people also playing alone. No, the stereotype that gamers have no friends is completely wrong. We just prefer not to include said friends when we’re gaming because, let’s be honest, all your friends piss you right the heck off when they play games with you. It is a fact that everyone one else playing a game near you is stupid, terrible, and using hax just because they know you hate them so much. And when you use hax, they get mad because they’re haxing harderer than you. Those don’t sound like friends, do they? Good, so remember to isolate yourself in your own little bubble of You. No one else is allowed, especially other thoughts, however rational they may be.

Choose a place to sit in the room. Where is your TV located? If you answered anything other than “About a foot from my face,” you are not seated in the proper location. Please scoot forward until the bloom from your favorite game is hurting your eyes. That pain is good. It will focus you. Focus now! Stay with me! Good, pick a comfy chair to sit in. “But Chris, pain is good, right?” No, you simpleton, and don’t interrupt me. Eyestrain is a good sort of pain. You can fight through that and make your eyes stronger. Back pain is a whole new degree of foolishness. Once your back goes you’ll never talk about anything again save for your back hurting. No, get a chair with good support. You won’t be leaving that spot for some time now, so you need it to sustain a heavy-duty butt whomping.

You should look roughly like this at this point.

Wait! Did you go to the bathroom first? Oh you silly, foolish twit. You should have gone, because once you begin gaming, there is no time for a bathroom break. You’ll just have to hold it. Some gamers will tell you it’s “teh hardcorz” to use a sock or a soda bottle, but listen to them for a minute. They don’t even know how to spell “the.” And you want to take advice from these pedantic Mongoloids? I thought I had taught you better.

It is important to decide far ahead of time what you prefer to snack on whilst you pwn newbs. Did you pick a greasy, cheese-covered snack? You thought that’d impress me? Oh how wrong you are! You have two choices for snacks and they come down to either unsalted almonds or some sort of clean fruit or vegetable like grapes, carrots, or beef jerky (that’s a fruit, right?). The worse the food is, that doesn’t mean it’ll be good gamer fuel. In fact, if you’re drinking something that calls itself “Gamer Fuel,” stop. You’ve been duped. You’re going to be sitting for long periods of time, and as a sluggish blob, you’ll need things that keep your minds sharp and your fingers clean. Plus, you know what Gamer Fuel feels like coming out the end of the processing line. It’s not the most pleasant thing, is it? My advice, and this goes double for V-8, is to make V-8 your new “Gamer Fuel.” Hear that V-8? Do that and you’ll make millions, which you can then pay unto me for the idea. Go do that everyone. Especially V-8 with the paying of me millions.

Okay V-8, you owe me now.

So which game have you selected to play? Is it an online game such as Modern Warfare or Bad Company 2? Take your headset and turn the microphone away from your mouth. You will not need to speak into it. You will, however, need to hear the moronic drivel coming from the other pitiful excuses for gamers, i.e. children under ten, in order to know where to target your next grenade. It does not matter if they are on your team, either. If someone begins complaining, blow them a new USB port. However, you must never make a sound. You are to act as the ninja, silent like the night yet deadly like the clam. What? There was a terrifying giant clam in the old Batman show that ate Robin. That freaked me out. Just like the ninja.

And then- OH GOD! That's horrifying!

If, however, you’ve decided to play a true single player game such as Mario or Final Fantasy, you need to learn to block out all forms of verbal and visual communication coming from anything but your TV. If a female walks into the way, you should be so focused she is literally transparent. If, however, she manages to appear as if she’s on TV, perhaps with a clever TV disguise, she clearly has something very important to tell you, such as where the Hookshot can be found or why the house is currently on fire (though that could all just be a trick, sniff for smoke first before shutting off your game).

And then there's the chance, of course, that the game CAUSED the fire in the first place...

Now comes the tricky part: Playing with grace. As I mentioned, you must be silent and deadly like the ninja, yet calm like a monk of some sort. Have you ever seen a monk freak out when he’s playing a video game? No, and don’t give me answers like “I’ve never seen a monk play a video game.” Perhaps they were so calm when they did it that you didn’t notice, or they focused so hard on the game that they ceased to be visible (this is naturally your goal because if you’re invisible, your wife can’t find you to tell you the house is on fire).

When you lose, and you will lose from time to time in your game, do not throw your controller or scream. Bottle this rage inside you. Breaking a controller is not a satisfying experience. The remorse will hit you almost instantly afterward, reminding you that controllers these days cost upwards of $40 that could have gone toward new gamer shirts. Channel your rage unto your enemies, such as the poorly programmed enemies you face or the ten-year-old f-words online. These are not people and when they break they do not cost you $40 or more. They only reward you with sweet satisfaction.

Don't be deceived. This little girl is pure evil and must be stopped.

Once you have completed your gaming day, be courteous and wrap up any spare cords, turn off the TV, and place all gaming-related accessories where they’re supposed to go, otherwise someone might trip on and break them or worse, you console. Also, go check and see if anyone tried to speak to you while you were ignoring them. Perhaps they were trying to tell you they bought you a new game. Any rage you’ve been bottling should also be gone now. This assumes you beat whatever it was you were trying to beat. If you did not accomplish your task, go back to step one and repeat until you stop failing. Nothing shames a gamer more than defeat, even a gracious one.

With these few tips in mind, you should have no problem succeeding as a gamer in the world of today. I can’t speak for the world of tomorrow, but good luck to you if that’s where you happen to live. In the meantime, with these simple guidelines in place, go forth and enjoy. Also send me money, for my hobby requires vast amounts of money that I do not have. That is all.

Want more articles all about nerdly love? Check these out:

-Top 20 Greatest Mario Enemies

-Top Ten Video Game Quotes That Need To Die

-Let’s Think Deep: The Virtual Utopia

I don't even know who this guy is, but I know he looks cool.

As I said, you already know if you want this game or not. How can you tell? You either already have the game, or you don’t. That’s pretty much the decider for this one. There’s no one left on the fence here, waiting for a few more review scores to come in and determine their buying decision. Gamers have already made up their mind about StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty.

I really have no opinion of it. Oh don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for it. The graphics are awesome, the voice acting is excellent, the controls are perfect and the story is engaging. I just don’t have a computer that can play it. And that’s not to say StarCraft II is too hard on computers; I just have a really lame PC without a graphics card. I can’t even play World of Goo or the demo for Tales from Monkey Island, so StarCraft II doesn’t play for me.

If you need criticism, there’s only one I’ve heard and it regards the resolution to the story, or more appropriately, that there isn’t one. Wings of Liberty is only one of three games, and its campaign focuses solely on one of the three races. Don’t worry, you can still play as all three races online in multiplayer, but the single player experience is only a third of what you’ve probably been expecting. The story you do get is great, but you will want more and there’s virtually no chance you’ll get the next chapter any time soon. I’d be shocked if you see it before 2012.

This just looks nuts. But fun. But still nuts.

And look at that, I’m already done with the StarCraft II review. Do you see how pointless that was? Did you even stop playing the game to read this? Probably not, so I’m probably here all alone doing nothing right now. Well then, let’s talk about RTS games and why they’ll never be on a console, or more appropriately, let me rant for a second. If you’re still wondering why there hasn’t been a really, REALLY good RTS on the consoles, it’s all because no control scheme works better for the RTS genre than a mouse and keyboard. I’m not micromanaging dozens of troops all across the map with a freaking control stick. That’d just be stupid. Heck, I can hardly manage it on a PC. Just take your mouse right now and flail the cursor around the screen for a moment or two. You see that? That’s how fast you can move around in an RTS, plus you get exact controls. With a joystick you’re constantly fighting the battle between cursor speed and cursor control, and that’s a battle we may never win.

Okay, my little rant is over and so is my review. Come back on Wednesday and I’ll have a much longer, much more inflammatory article about Avatar, just because I can. Peace out y’all.

Snazzy, but will people really get what this is?

Now, with the popularity of remaking TV shows as films, remaking films as films, and so forth, Nintendo has decided to take that (now) classic James Bond game from 1997, and kick it up a notch, as a chef might say.

November, 2010 brings us “GoldenEye 007” for the Wii, and I have to wonder, is this a good thing that I should look forward to, or a cheap marketing tactic that I should abhor?

PROS

1.) Better graphics

The original had amazing graphics for the time. Go back and play it now, and the only things that doesn’t hold up are the character faces, the somewhat bland environments, and the physics. In other words, the only major improvement you can make to the big brother of “Modern Warfare” is to update the visual aspects.

While the Wii is not a graphics powerhouse, it isn’t 64-bit either. In the footage from E3, Bond looks like a well-animated version of the actor. Characters move realistically, and the weapons all look like real weapons (the cute little PP7 has been switched to the real-world Walther P99 that Bond carries). Taking a great game and giving it better graphics is a good thing. This is not an issue for me at all.

2.) A more adult game for the Wii

Oh, boy! You see, I’m not a big devotee to Nintendo classics like Chris clearly is (Mario retrospectives, you say? Collect every Pokemon, indeed?). I love those games, but I’m a cinematic kind of guy. I want a game that takes a great movie premise and makes me the star.

This is Nintendo’s big chance to say, “Hold on. We can do an FPS without a terrible port, and it isn’t even a wacky Japanese experiment for motion control!” This could help them capture that elusive crowd of adults who want to shoot something realistically.

3.) Fan service

I’m a big fan of James Bond, and I’m a big fan of the original game. I’m sure that millions of other gamers are right next to me on that. We haven’t had a great Bond game since the original “GoldenEye” (“Nightfire” was okay, but EA should really stick to sports), and this game’s very existence brings back so many great moments for us. Remember the first time you saw that dopey guard standing in the toilet stall? You’ll see him here! That’s great fun.

Some parts of the classics, regardless of better taste, are just fabulous.

CONS

1.) Rehash syndrome

I’m never a fan of trotting out the same product again and again. That’s why I don’t own multiple DVD editions of the same movie, and that’s certainly why I don’t play many “Halo” games. And I can’t help but feel that this new “GoldenEye” might be yesterday’s meatloaf. Even if the meatloaf was really good when it was fresh, that doesn’t mean it should be served to dear friends another time.

Nintendo is taking a big risk by altering their best-loved games for the next year or two. “GoldenEye,” “Starfox 64,” and “Ocarina of Time” were all being paraded around at E3. Either they just want to come back to our childhoods for fun, or they just hired a crop of developers who haven’t owned a system since the N64 (and probably played it during finals weeks in college).

I guess I’m just weary because the remakes of old “Resident Evil” games, “Prince of Persia,” and especially “Doom” and “Wolfenstein” have been so pointless over the last few years.

2.) Confusing for newcomers

This is a business problem. Yes, fans of the original may jump for joy, but think of the children! (Okay, that is the last time I use that phrase, ever) Some gamers now, who weren’t old enough to pronounce “Nintendo” in 1997, will tilt their heads at this.

It’s called “GoldenEye,” and that was a movie starring Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. This new game stars Daniel Craig as Bond, and the last time we saw a game called “GoldenEye,” it was that dodgy Rogue Agent game that everyone laughed at. To make matters worse, the story has been changed up so that it fits Craig’s take on Bond. This probably means no more flashbacks to the Soviet Union, and less emphasis on minimizing civilian casualties. All of this just may bite the marketing team on the bum in a few months.

3.) Control system?

The footage from the game raises a big question about how we will control Mr. Bond. The moves that he makes seem very precise and sophisticated (then again, those might have just been cutscenes), and the Wii is not known for being FPS-friendly. Back in ’97, the N64 had the appropriate controls for this game: a control stick for movement, a trigger for firing, and distinct different buttons for actions and weapon changes. The only thing that didn’t work great was the manual aim.

What will we get here? Motion control probably won’t be a factor, and the Nunchuk will be used heavily, I’m betting. Just in case the Wiimote/Nunchuk scheme sucks, the classic controller or Gamecube controller can be used. That doesn’t inspire much confidence, but it does cover possible complaints.

I mean, it looks alright, but who's the game really for? Honestly? Also, Bond totally looks like Elijah Wood in this shot.

Some Final Thoughts

So, will this game be another footnote in video game history, under the header “Total Blunders and Insults”? Or will it inspire me to buy a Wii, and poetically continue the legacy of the original? I doubt it will be cringe-worthy. If it turns out to be pants, I’m sure we will all forget it quickly. If it blows up and becomes the next great thing for Nintendo, I won’t complain (I’m sure other people will fire off hate-missiles at it, though). I guess we all have to wait for the exciting conclusion. “GoldenEye 007” for the Wii comes out November 2, 2010.

Yes sir, times are good for gamers.

This year’s E3 was full of a lot of win, assuming you were a Nintendo fanboy such as myself. While some announcements were completely out of left field, others were pretty expected. Donkey Kong Country Returns was somewhere in the middle, having been leaked as a thing currently in development by Retro Studios not long before E3. Leakage aside, what really matters is, we get a new Donkey Kong Country game! What an exciting time we live in! So then, let’s take a look at what we know from the preview and what we suspect will be in the final product in a little segment we like to call, “Game Previews.” What? You expected something fancy?

Nothing Like That Retro Feel

What the previous DKC games had going for them was their ability to make memorable sidescrolling platform levels with their own signature charm and difficulty. I did a whole article on the three games, essentially declaring my love for them. Thankfully, when Retro Studios was asked to reinvent what Rare did with the originals, they got down to business making sure they made the game the fans wanted. This, blissfully, looks like that game.

Ooh, doesn't this just look sweet?

Thus far it appears that the main “gimmick” of the game, if it can be called that, is the use of very simplistic depth during gameplay, meaning most of the time you’ll be in the foreground but sometimes you’ll be forced to hop around in the background as well. This isn’t too complicated to deal with and has worked fairly well in games previous, such as, uh, okay, I can’t think of games where that happened off the top of my head, but they exist.

Also, we get to play as Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong again, and it really is about time. Interesting that a series called “Donkey Kong Country” only had one game where you could actually play as Donkey Kong. Strange. Anyway, instead of a one-hit-KO thing, you’ll get two hearts when you play and four if you find Diddy. Sadly, you won’t really be playing as Diddy as much as you’ll be teaming up with him to perform special moves and such. I can live with that though, because they made sure to bring back minecarts, and when minecarts are brought back, all is forgiven.

Shown: Forvigeness for any and everything.

There are some other things missing, though. Mainly, the Kremlings. Those are entirely gone. King K. Rool isn’t the Big Bad here, and that makes me a little sad. I’m not sure exactly why that decision came down the pipe, but no matter, I suppose it had to be done. Also gone are underwater levels since, according to the main developers at Retro, they would have made the game too slow. Good then, because underwater levels suck in every video game.

Right now we don’t know a whole lot more about the game. Animal buddies such as Rambi haven’t been shown, though developers at Retro have mentioned they know fans want the animals back, so there’s an extremely good chance we’ll see some of the more recognizable ones such as Squawks and Expresso come back. I wouldn’t mind seeing Winky return as well, but that’s just wishful thinking on my part.

And that’s pretty much all we know about Donkey Kong Country Returns. I know that it can be preordered from Amazon, and that it’s expected to come out before the end of this year. I’ll be asking for it for Christmas, but how about you? Any other DKC fans out there excited for this one?

Sometimes the real world needs to stay away from our games, doesn't it?

The world is a very different, very scary place these days. Thankfully, video games are mostly blissful escapes from that harsh reality. But what if aspects of the real world started creeping into the fantasy realm? Here are ten ways the real world would ruin the video games world.

Pokemon Protected Under Endangered Species Laws:

Your lucky day, or a massive inconvenience?

The lands Pokemon games take place in are magical regions to live, full of awesome creatures ripe for the catching and training. And if you keep your eyes out and your wits sharp, you’ll run across a Legendary Pokemon.

BUT HOLD ON! You can’t capture that! Leave it alone! Because it’s the last of its species, it is protected by Endangered Species Laws, meaning you not only can’t capture it, you’ll be arrested for even trying. Pikachus? You can have dozens. But Lord help you if you catch a Mew.

Extra Lives Cost More Due To Inflation:

Suddenly every coin means a whole lot more and a whole lot less.

The Mushroom Kingdom is known as a land full of whimsy. Whimsy and war. Constant war. There hasn’t been a year where Bowser hasn’t appeared and tried to take over everything. At least Mario always shows up to save the day. That’s the one constant, other than the price of an extra life. 100 coins, right?

BUT HOLD ON! At this point an extra life would cost a heck of a lot more, possibly closer to 1600 coins. You’d see Mario steppin’ a lot more careful around pits if that were the case.

Families in The Sims Evicted:

Seriously, would you approve a loan for these morons?

Living a life as a Sim wouldn’t be too bad, all things considered. Your whole life is based off commercialism, you can easily find and make friends all the time, and if you don’t like your job, you can get a better one by reading a book for a few minutes. Wonderful, right?

BUT HOLD ON! How did you pay for your new house there? One of the causes of our current recession stems from the housing crisis where prospective homeowners were given huge loans for houses that they could never afford and thus were evicted at the worst possible time. The Sims are so incapable of taking care of themselves that they’ll wet their shorts if you don’t tell them to go to the bathroom. And these people were approved for home loans? Yikes.

No More Evil Corporations:

"I must destroy the world for reasons I forget why! Mwahaha!"

Shinra is certainly an evil, evil corporation filled with evil people doing evil things. The Umbrella Corporation is even worse, creating zombies and stuff for seemingly no reason at all. Luckily we have heroes to battle these massive companies. Some games are hinged on this massive takedown.

BUT HOLD ON! Before you go after the corrupt head of that awful organization, check to see if it isn’t crumbling from the inside after filing Chapter Eleven bankruptcy. And if a company is really, truly evil enough to destroy the world, the actual government is going to step in and stop that oil spill, I mean that zombie epidemic. No heroes are really required for the job, meaning Cloud and Tifa and the whole gang can just go shopping at Hot Topic instead.

Halo Protested On a Daily Basis:

"Why don't I just cram this down your throat instead? That sound cool?"

Earth is a hectic place to live, what with the fight constantly needing be finished. Aliens are popping up left and right with giant ships just to mess with us. At least we’re totally behind Master Chief.

BUT HOLD ON! This is a war, right? Those are BAD! Assuming we’re still our Earth, there will be those that believe the war is completely just. Then there will be the other half that opposes the war purely because it’s a war and those are always unjust. They attacked us first? That’s probably just because we were messing around in their solar system. You’d have a heck of a time getting anywhere as a soldier on the planet without someone picketing you and calling you a grunt killer.

Link Out of a Job:

"Hey! HEY! They took my job!"

Whereas Mario is the best option to save the Mushroom Kingdom, Link always steps up to the challenge and restores peace to Hyrule by rescuing Zelda. Otherwise he wouldn’t have much of a reason to do anything, would he?

BUT HOLD ON! Unemployment rates are ridiculous these days, meaning that there would be more than enough capable people just hanging around, ready for a chance to save a princess. Sure Link may be the Hero of Time, but with the right motivation, anyone could do what he does and restore the peace. It’s not like there’s a whole lot to do in Hyrule, anyway.

Silent Hill Subject To a Michael Moore Documentary:

Maybe this could be a good thing afterall.

If you had to pick one place of the world to avoid, it’d have to be Silent Hill. It’s a town suffering from, essentially, Hell owning all the real estate. Demons regularly appear and if you find yourself trapped within city limits you’re pretty much screwed, aren’t you?

BUT HOLD ON! What other town is best suited for a sadsack documentary ridiculing the shortcomings if the United States than a town devoid of all decency? Michael Moore would be there so fast that it’s scary, and naturally he’d go on and on until the Powers That Be intervened to shut him up. In Essence, Silent Hill would become an overnight tourist trap and eliminate any and everything that made it the place we love to fear.

Thousands of Greenhorns Attempt to Ford the River:

Why would you do that? Bunch of Greenhorns.

Ah the Oregon Trail. The promise of a better life after a trip of hardship is something we’re just programmed to love living in the land of the American Dream. Therefore, the Oregon Trail becomes a great choice, especially since Oregon is pretty danged sweet.

BUT HOLD ON! If you’ve ever played the Oregon Trail, you know the dangers of fording the river. You have to be an intelligent, experienced player even to CONSIDER fording the river. Sadly, too many fools would start fording the river willy-nilly, thinking it’s cool or something, and thousands would die. And since extra lives cost more these days, it’d be sad.

Real World Controls Enter The Gaming World:

Wouldn't it suck if this really happened? Wouldn't it?!

Video games have the advantage of being ridiculous distractions from the real world. Depending on the game, a single button press could result in you destroying the world. How cool! Precise controls are a great thing, aren’t they?

BUT HOLD ON! Next thing you know they’ll start trying to tell us the cool new thing is moving around while you’re gaming to do simple tasks and- Oh wait…

PETA Would Go Nuts About Star Fox:

Like the original space program. Except with more animals. And G-Diffusers.

If I could voice one video game character, I think I’d want to voice Fox McCloud. In fact, if I could WRITE one game, it’d be a new Star Fox game, mostly because we really need a new Star Fox game. The whole game concept is just too much fun. Animals in space? I’m there!

BUT HOLD ON! Animals in space?! You’re sending these poor creatures into almost certain DEATH?! It doesn’t matter if it’s other animals sending these animals into space, that stuff doesn’t fly with PETA. Granted, there’s a high chance these space wars won’t happen anyway due to protests, but rest assured, if that fox got into space, PETA would be there screaming about it and making their own game to mock the practice.

And I’m spent. How ridiculous of me. I’m all done thinking about the real world intersecting with video games, but what about you? Can you think of any ways the real world would ruin our lovely fantasies? Leave a comment and let me know. In the mean time, I have a river to ford.

Because, hey, sometimes great games are just short.

The other day I gave a little rundown of the three main options for game rentals. I suppose I should have included “Borrow from friends,” but that’s a given. Today, however, I’m giving you a list of games that work better as rentals. Ready? Here we go!

God of War III:

This is the last time Kratos stops to breath before going too fast to even think about the absurdity of his adventure.

I wrote a review a few months ago that went off on the game, mentioning how I beat it in one sitting in under ten hours. To me, this is the epitome of a rental title because, really, you can beat this one in the rental time and never need to play it again. The reason is because the story is all used up after one time around the block. Unless you’re a diehard God of War fan, you’ll find little reason to play this ever again, so a rental is all you need.

Ghostbusters the Video Game:

As if a third movie wouldn't be worth a rental in the first place?

While you could find a lot to like about this one, and for $10 or less I’d certainly recommend a purchase, you will get all you need out of this game in a standard rental period. The campaign mode is just short enough to be manageable, and the online component has a charm that only lasts for about a week unless you get addicted. If the addiction happens, consider buying it when you see it for cheap, otherwise you’re good for the five days.

Any Mario Party/WarioWare Title:

Hooray! You're stagnating as a franchise!

The Wii is a fun system, no contest. The Wii is also full of games that, for lack of a better term, are a one-time novelty at best. Let’s say you have a group of friends coming over for a night and you all want to play some fun game together, but your collective gameplay experience is relatively low. This would be a good time to explore the option of a minigame-heavy title such as any Mario Party or WarioWare title, such as WarioWare Smooth Moves. You’ll get about as much enjoyment from the titles in a rental period as you will over the course of a lifetime. Take your pick which sounds better.

Arkham Asylum:

Of all the cool images I could have used, I went with a handshake shot. Yup, I'm such an awesome editor.

I love me some Batman, and if I had to own any Batman game it would definitely be Arkham Asylum, but we can be honest here: There’s not a pressing need to own the game. A sequel is currently planned, so if it comes down to it and you can’t find a copy for under $20, the $9 rental choice isn’t a bad one. I managed to get all 1000 Achievement Points for Arkham Asylum in under two weeks, so although it’s amazing, you’ll run out of things to do pretty quick.

Modern Warfare 1 & 2 (Single Player Only):

"What? We don't have time for your namby-pamby story! Snowmobiles! WOO!"

Stop. Before you jump down my throat, take a look at the words in parenthesis there. If you want a multiplayer game, yes, BUY the Modern Warfare games. You’ll justify your purchase very quickly, discovering that you’ll be playing for months and months. BUT, if you want a deep single-player campaign, you’re going to come up short here. If your friends have been bugging you to play through the campaign, a rental should suffice. If they’ve been bugging you to play the game with them, you’ll have to buy it, bro.

Any Dragonball Z Game:

"Kakarot, I think your aim's off." "Yeah, it's because these controls keep changing."

I also love me some DBZ. And I own some seriously great DBZ games, my favorite being Budokai 3 for the PS2. But they didn’t stop with Budokai 3. For some reason they kept making new games for the new systems, and as a result, there’s not a lot to care about. A new title comes out about once a year, meaning you really aren’t getting much meat to these titles. If you have to, and I mean have a physical NEED to play every DBZ game, you will get everything of value from a single week’s playtime. The fighting system just doesn’t have as much depth as a title like Street Fighter, so you’re not going to gain much from honing those skills. The next year’s edition is just going to change things up again.

Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe:

Might as well say it's a pushing-match if there aren't Fatalities.

The same sort of holds true here. If you’re into Mortal Kombat, this game will be a bit of a disappointment since real Fatalities are MIA to accommodate DC’s wishes that you don’t see their beloved characters eviscerated, as much as we’d like to rip Superman’s face off and eat it. The fighting mechanics aren’t that bad, but once more, they’re not as well balanced as other fighting games that specialize as fighting games. This game specializes as a placeholder until a new Mortal Kombat or DC game comes out. You’ll find the most enjoyment in a single week, if even that.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed:

Killing Storm Troopers can and will get old, I assure you.

Kyle tells me that The Force Unleashed wasn’t the worst game he’s played. He also mentioned that yes, it was a disappointment to him, as most Star Wars fans have claimed. But it wasn’t without value, meaning it warrants a play. Just not a play at full price. The story will take you under a week to complete at a slow pace, but unless you want to replay it more than once, you won’t need to own it.

Punch-Out!! Wii:

Stop dancing. Your game's too hard to accept you dancing in my face!

I rented this title last year and thought it was really excellent. I also realized that I got all I could out of the game in my rental title because if I played any more I’d hurt myself and everyone else around me. The reason is because the game is insanely difficult, albeit fan-freaking-tastic. I just don’t have the patience to hone my skills past the breaking point. I nearly destroyed a Wiimote due to the stress the game put me through, so the only people that would find the need to own Punch-Out!! on the Wii are gamers far above my skill and patience level.

Prince of Persia (2008):

Shown: Rental Material.

As a friend of mine (Dennis) put it via Facebook: “I also found that Prince of Persia (2008 game) was short, but pretty fun. But pretty short.” Well, that sounds like as much of a recommendation for a rental title as you’re gonna get. I even remember playing the “good” Prince of Persia game on the GameCube, the one Gus wrote about, and while it was good, it was super short. Apparently the newer Prince of Persia games adhere to the same pitfalls (ha!) that pledged the first 3D affairs: Short single-player adventures. Done, Rental Title, branded.

There are ten games that more or less work better as rental titles. But I promised a few that DON’T work as a rental title. Want to know which ones?

Final Fantasy XIII:

What? Like you had a life to live, really?

You can’t finish the tutorial levels of this game in under twenty hours on your first playthrough, most likely, so you’re not beating this game in five days, no matter how dedicated you think you are. Maybe if you literally have nothing to do for the next 120 hours, but most mortal humans need sleep, so buy this, or any Final Fantasy/Dragonquest/JRPG games if you have the desire to play them.

Mass Effect 1 & 2:

Mordin is enough to make me want to own Mass Effect 2.

You aren’t playing Mass Effect 2 unless you’ve played Mass Effect 1, and you aren’t getting anything less than twenty hours of gameplay from either, so slow down Tex and savor the experience. I’ve been meaning to go into how much there is in these two games, but suffice it to say, you’ll prefer owning these ones.

Super Smash Bros Brawl:

It's pretty much like this. You can't really deny it.

This game is best as a multiplayer experience, but wait just a second when you think you’ll just rent it for a party. While there are nearly 40 characters and dozens of levels, you don’t start with all those unlocked. And there is no way to unlock them all quickly. You have to work at this one, so unless you’ve rented it previously, you’ll have some work cut out to get it up to maximum multiplayability. Just own this and do yourself a favor.

Little Big Planet:

This game has too much content to consider it a light snack, so make it a feast.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten the little wonder on the PS3. I know enough to know that Little Big Planet is a game you don’t just play, enjoy, and then move on with your life. If you like it enough to play it, you’ll want to own it since you’ll get into creating your own content and improving your skills. If you really think you’ll like a game that makes level-creation relatively simple and rewarding, there’s no reason to rent this one first.

And that’s my little bit about rental titles. Now I’ll just sit back and wait for the hate to file in… “What’re you talking about? God of War III is a MUST BUY…” Yup, just sit back and wait.

The end has come for Hollywood Video, so what does that leave for rentals?

We’ve hit a point in our life where video games are officially everywhere. We’ve also hit a point where they cost more than the average person has to freely spend all willy-nilly. When I was a kid there was always the salvation of the video game rental, but these days you have to think harder whether you really want to rent a game or just purchase it. Here’s my two cents on the subject matter, although it’s recommended you have more than two cents saved up should you decide to rent a game.

Your Three Options

At this very moment, you have essentially three options for renting games in the traditional sense. Blockbuster Video still exists in most places, most likely leaving it as the only video store in your town now that Hollywood Video moved on like your last girlfriend. The second option is the Mom & Pops video store you may actually nearby, though don’t get too attached as those may very well move on, too, just like your current girlfriend. The third option is Game Fly, the video game version of Netflix. So which method is best? Stop being so pushy! This is why your girlfriends keep leaving you!

The Last Great Juggernaut

Just don't get too attached...

Okay, so let’s start off with Blockbuster since, uh, I mentioned that first. Blockbuster’s first priority is that of a chain movie store. They are riddled with company policy and deals they constantly want you to buy. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. The bad news is that the price for a game rental is currently $9 for five days, which in the simplest terms is exactly $Ridiculous. You have to really know that you will be satisfied with your game rental within that five-day period, otherwise I have a better option for you. Still, I’ll give you some titles that work well for that rental time.

The good news for Blockbuster though is that because they have the cash flowing in semi-regularly, they can offer coupons here and there, plus if you mention you love renting video games to relatives they are more inclined to get you a giftcard to Blockbuster, knowing you’ll have one nearby and they’ll have something you’ll rent. But as I said before, they’re run by corporate policy, meaning they have no wiggle room 99% of the time if you, say, take a game back after one night and say you can’t play it anymore since you’ll kill someone as a result of being bad at Street Fighter IV (totally hypothetical). Doesn’t matter, you’re not getting any money back.

Frickin'...STOP KICKING ME! ...Totally hypothetical.

The Local Option

As for the second option, the Mom & Pops store, you have similar aspects to consider. While they’re smaller in size, to stay competitive they may have rentals for much cheaper or much longer, sometimes both. The reason behind this is they don’t hinge a lot of sales on game rentals, so they can afford to let those go cheaper. The inverse means they won’t put a high priority on game rentals, so they won’t get as many copies of new games, if any. Of course, this is all dependant on your individual store. I have a local game store called Big City Gamin’ that has new titles and rents things for $1 a day. You’ll probably have to go looking for the small town game store in your area since they won’t make themselves well known.

And sometimes they just look cooler than Blockbuster, too. The little things count.

The other great part about the small town store is the aforementioned wiggle room that policy-driven chains must adhere to. If you make friends with the employees at your local video store and walk in with a complaint, you’re more likely to have them listen and say, “Yeah, that sucks bro, sure, grab a different game for the remainder of your rental period.” This is naturally case-by-case, so it may not hold true to every store you shop at.

Living on The Grid

The last option is that of Game Fly. The easiest way to describe Game Fly is “Netflix but with games and for twice the money.” They have a few pay options, but the main one is either one-disc out at a time for $16 a month or two-discs for $23. As a cost-saving measure, the math is that you’re paying a little over fifty cents a day for the one-disc option and a little less than fifty cents a day for two. Overall, that makes this a better deal than Blockbuster, assuming you play games enough to justify renting games all the time.

The downside is they apparently think we look like this.

But assuming you play games that much, you’re going to have some periods of waiting before you can play games again. The second you request a game it does not appear in your mailbox (you’re smart enough to know this), and every time you’re finished with a game you’ll have a few days of lag before the next one appears. There’s just no avoiding that. As I said though, if you play a lot of games but don’t have the money to buy everything, Game Fly is the next best option.

My biggest warning about renting video games comes as thus: If you don’t care enough about the game to buy it, why are you renting it? And if you are renting it, why do you need it now? For me, most new titles are either in my “I must own” category or my “I’ll play that eventually” category. Much of the time, if I wait six months I can get the game I didn’t feel strongly enough to buy Day One for as low as $5, though $15 is probably the standard price I find. If you have patience, there really is no reason to want to rent games.

If, however, you want some good recommendations on games that work better as rentals, and a few that don’t, I’ll have that for you in a day or so. Stick tight and weigh your options game renters!

Ooh, I'm getting antsy just thinking about Smash Bros. I should go play instead of writing this.

The idea of all my favorite Nintendo stars fighting each other in one big game was a concept I never imagined would become a reality. Even now I’m a little skeptical that it really exists, and furthermore, that it’s straight-up awesome. But somehow Super Smash Bros is a real thing and for that I couldn’t be happier. So to start a Monday off right, how about a Super Smash Bros Retrospective? That’s what I thought.

Super Smash Bros (1999):

How can you not be anything but excited when you see this box?

The essence of the first Super Smash Bros can easily be captured in the classic game commercial set to the Beatles song, So Happy Together. Mario, Yoshi, Pikachu, and Donkey Kong are holding hands as they skip through a field. Then without warning Mario sweeps Yoshi’s legs and they all start fighting. The commercial is perfect, and as a kid every time I saw it I knew I needed Smash Bros on my N64.

My first encounter with Smash Bros was once again from Nintendo Power with its usual hype train. All I needed to know was that Mario and Link would fight against Fox and Pikachu and I was addicted. I read the Nintendo Power articles over and over again, hungry for my Smash Bros. I even went out and preordered the game through Hollywood Video’s game kiosk, the precursor to Game Crazy (Lord rest their souls). Unfortunately, I was quoted a price that was awesome, ($35), but then waited and waited and waited and still, the game did not come in. I had to wait a whole week after it came out before my Hollywood Video got the game in. “Alright, that’ll be $50.” Uh-oh, he must have misspoke. Nope, the price was set and the first guy just screwed up. I went to Toys ‘R Us and got a copy with a coupon for $45. As soon as I got home it was time to try out my new favorite game ever.

It seems so simple now, doesn't it?

The very first character I tried out was Link in the arcade mode. The controls were entirely foreign to me, especially the jumping mechanic. I had to relearn all sorts of things for Super Smash Bros in order to just proceed through the game, but after a week or so I was starting to get the hang of things. I hadn’t played many fighting games before, but I could see why I definitely liked Smash Bros better: Battle length. Most fighting games had matches that usually lasted under a minute, maybe two if you were really pushed, but otherwise there was no such thing as an epic fight. With Smash Bros, you didn’t whittle down your opponent’s health but rather inflicted damage in order to make it easier to throw them further, leading to the ultimate goal of knocking them off the stage. I loved this concept, plus each character played differently, so I was almost never bored.

My friends and I would get together for four-player matches every few sleepovers, going nuts with the 12 characters and nine levels. We got our money’s worth for sure. And after we’d played for long enough, we’d just set four computer characters to fight each other as we did a running commentary, naming each character after someone we knew from school. It was simple fun and we thought nothing could be better. One of my best friends at the time, Derek, was also my arch nemesis, so whenever we played he was Fox and I was Pikachu. I let him borrow my game for a week and when I got it back I realized Fox’s character stats placed him at the top, showing that he’d spent all week killing Pikachu over and over. I wouldn’t stand for that, so naturally my next week was planned out for me. Life just couldn’t get any sweeter.

Super Smash Bros Melee (2001):

Best follow-up to anything in the history of ever.

When the GameCube was announced a whole bunch of excellent games were announced along with it. But for me there really was only one game: Super Smash Bros Melee. A new Smash Bros game on a better system? AWESOME! I started seeing commercials for it at movies theaters and on TV and soon I was psyched once more for a game I hadn’t even played yet. I didn’t need anything more than the knowledge that the original 12 characters were back, plus more, equaling 26 characters total (Sheik and Zelda counted as two characters). Also, 29 levels instead of nine? Double the items? More moves for everyone? Sold.

I preordered Melee as soon as possible, knowing that my GameCube’s purchase would be overly justified once Melee was mine. Sure enough, I brought the game home and went to town, though initially I was at a loss because I had to relearn the controls yet again. No matter, a week later and I was mastering the game more than I ever thought possible.

And mastering it properly never felt so sweet.

Melee added a lot more in terms of, well, everything. Everything got better. I was almost sad since I knew I could never go back to the original N64 version now that Melee had entered my life. I did pretty much everything I could as a single-player playing alone, honing my skills against opponents that I never played against because, sadly, so few other people seemed to own a GameCube. At this time everyone I knew had gotten into Halo, so I was left in the cold.

Until strange things began happening. At the end of my Freshman year of high school I was told about a Melee tournament happening at a festival our school did during the last week of classes. I practiced against a casual acquaintance to better my skills and I realized, “Wow, I’m actually really good at this game.” The tournament began and I did what anyone else would have done: I pretended I didn’t know how to play the game. My first opponent scoffed and killed me once, thinking the match was going to be super simple. Then I laughed and said, “Just kidding,” and proceeded to utterly destroy him. I was unstoppable, up until the final match against Jeremy Lynn, the deaf kid. His brother was hosting the tournament and the final match pitted me as Adult Link against Jeremy as Mr. Game & Watch, a character I’d never seen anyone use well. My usual tactic of trash talking and mental psyching didn’t work against Jeremy since, well…connect the dots for me. Regardless, after a grueling match I came out victorious, taking the only happiness the deaf kid had in his life (also, I beat him in chess later in the week, just because I’m an evil man). Oh don’t get me wrong, a month later he came over to my house and spent two hours demonstrating how I completely sucked at Melee compared to his unrelenting talent, but it didn’t count on the scoreboard. I was the official school champion.

For good measure, I made sure to kick fox's butt on principle alone.

I retired from Melee for a while until my Senior year when I met two of my closest friends ever, Trinh and Thomas. The three of us met in Japanese class but decided to start playing Melee as often as possible, creating a massive rivalry between we three. It turned out Trinh was unbeatable as Fox, and Thomas played a mean Marth, but in three-person matches I’d rule with Adult Link. Allow me to regale you with my greatest moment ever:

Trinh and I were in a heated battle for first-place, fighting at our usual favorite, Final Destination, he as Fox and I as Link. On a side note, it should be pointed out that in terms of character tiers, Fox and Marth were numbers one and two, whereas Link was near the bottom, and yet I still managed to go toe-to-toe with them, so eat it best friends of mine. Anyway, the match was coming to a close and it looked like Trinh was going to outdo me. He knocked me off the stage and as I fell I realized I’d never make it back. However, a Blast Barrel was rolling off the edge. Seeing my one chance I aimed toward it as it fell, hitting it right as it was about to exit the screen. The three of us assumed I had exploded, but it was actually the barrel blasting me straight up. I Spin Attacked to the corner, leapt at Fox, and sent him flying off to his own defeat since Trinh was so amazed he could hardly move. Single greatest game moment of my life, and there’s no way I could ever recreate it.

Super Smash Bros Brawl (2008):

That fire you see here represents the explosion of joy in my heart when I heard about Brawl.

Among the Wii titles I got excited for, the word “Brawl” came up a few times, letting me know that Melee would have a sequel and that it’d be bigger and supposedly better than the first two by a long shot. I watched the teaser trailers over and over and sunk into the pattern of religiously checking Smash Bros Dojo for nightly updates, drip-feeding me information about the new game. Who would be back? Who would be new? And what more could they really add? I was about to be blown away yet again.

The newest addition was the Final Smash, an ultimate move for each character useable whenever someone acquired the Smash Ball, an item of untold power! And I really mean that, too. Some Final Smashes, like Marth or Zelda’s were instant KO’s if they hit, whereas Mario, Sonic, Fox, and a mess of others had Final Smashes that owned multiple enemies way too effectively. Did is sway the balance of the game? Absolutely, but I was in love with it.

It also made you feel like a jackass if you got caught in a Final Smash, as it should.

To celebrate the eventual release of the game, of which all Smash Fans were forced to endure push back after push back of said release, I held one final going away party for Melee, a Last Chance Melee Smash, as I called it (because I’m oh so clever sometimes). A good long night of Melee was followed by a trek to my local Game Crazy store at midnight to get the new game and start playing that very night. The pilgrimage caused some annoyed gamers, but dang it, it was symbolic of my endless struggle waiting for this game.

It was no shock that the amount of content in Brawl was staggering. The unbelievable fan service Nintendo paid to diehards was worth every single unhappy moment I endured as a GameCube loyalist all those years ago. Just the soundtrack alone was phenomenal to behold. The first Smash Bros had maybe a dozen songs, total. Melee had closer to three-dozen. Brawl had over 300. GAH. Throw in 40 characters, yet more items, and user-generated stages and that’s a wrap: Best game on the Wii. The game even went out of its way to repair the problem of wave dashing that nearly broke Melee for me. I got good in Melee, but I could never be as good as the game-breaking moves that some players figured out. I’d watch those matches on YouTube and just think, “Wow, that looks so unfun to play.” Wave Dashing in Brawl, gone. Yeah, replaced by something else, but at least a progression was made.

Make Nintendo's best game ever: Mission Complete.

Brawl wasn’t without its faults though. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why Mewtwo was missing. He was a tough character to unlock in Melee and even tougher to master, but he’s totally absent in Brawl. Plus, while the local multiplayer is one of the best experiences of any game in recent years, the online component is awful beyond respite. You can just skip it, unfortunately.

Silly monkey. Now go find Mewtwo!

Now comes the real question: What happens next? Will Brawl be the end for Smash Bros games? As the creator of both the original and Brawl, Masahiro Sakurai, mentioned, his goal was to make the best damn game he could, as if it was definitely going to be the last of the series. That doesn’t rule out another game, especially not now that the 3DS is on its way out, but there’s nothing on the horizon to give Smash Fans hopes of the next big game with Geno, the return of Mewtwo, and every stage from every game in addition to all new stages. It’s asking for a lot, but they delivered last time, so why not here?

Like you didn't all want this, too.

And I’m spent. My love for Smash can only take me so far since, well, there are only three games to the retrospective. So tell me, are you a Smash Fan as well? Or do you hate the game? Can you destroy families with Zelda’s Shiny Kick like I can? Or do you have a different character you end lives with? Time to share your memories of Smash. Don’t make me Shiny Kick you in the face.

Want to read another retrospective? Take a look at these:

-Games You Should Have Played: The Donkey Kong Country Trilogy

-More To Catch: A Pokemon Toys Retrospective

-The Plastic Wars: A Retrospective on Army Men

New Force power: Freefall! Only in Frorce Unleashed 2!

Many Star Wars fans like me are very excited for The Old Republic, a Star Wars MMORPG developed by Bioware. There’s a slight problem for me, however: my PC probably won’t be able to handle it. So, what’s a Jedi wannabe supposed to do?

Well, there’s always the trusty console. Back in 2008, Lucasarts released their first Star Wars video game that lived up to the graphics, gameplay engines, and control systems of the new console generation, The Force Unleashed. They sort of crammed it down our throats, too, with an epic-sized marketing campaign that included a novelization, a comic book, Lego sets, action figures, and even some mobile phone versions of the game.

Now that the lovely E3 event has graced us with a glimpse of the sequel, it’s time for a Star Wars nerd of the highest caliber (if I do say so myself) to over-analyze the demo footage for The Force Unleashed 2, which is released in North America on October 26, 2010.

What is New?

Well, I get to do this again. That's got to amount to something.

According to Executive Producer and Head Writer Haden Blackman, there’s a bunch of reasons to buy the sequel this fall. For one, the gameplay gets a facelift; instead of a paltry ten hours of hacking and slashing, players get to use their force powers to solve some environmental puzzles and some strategy will be required in certain combat situations. That sounds an awful lot like Bioshock to me. But we do get to pilot a TIE Fighter at one point, which sounds like more fun than standing in place, pulling on a Star Destroyer turned out to be.

The most obvious new addition is the switch to a dual-lightsaber combat system. So, Blackman says that the combat mechanics are faster and less segmented, meaning both sabers are used effectively. Okay. Now can we flip those sabers around so they’re pointed forward? Nope, but as a fantastic consolation, the sabers actually dismember those hapless stormtroopers in the sequel. Touché, Blackman.

The big thing that Lucasarts always loves to tell us is the inclusion of new force powers. This time around, we get Mind Trick, which is never as cool in games as it is in the movies. As in the Jedi Knight and KOTOR games, Mind Trick causes enemies to switch sides and fight their comrades in this one. The other new power is dubbed Force Fury, which enhances the other powers to ridiculous proportions (ever want to use Force Grip on an AT-ST? Now you can pick them up and crush them like a Dr. Pepper can). This is a welcome idea, because it lets you be extremely powerful right off the bat, but in short bursts.

What is Familiar?

I still get to topple large robotic things, so alright then.

Anyone playing this game when it lands in October will be playing as Starkiller, Darth Vader’s secret apprentice from the first game. Nope, you don’t get to be the hardcore Sith Stalker version of the protagonist that we see in the alternate ending and downloadable content, but the same shorthaired teen that looks like he just bought a ninja outfit on ebay. Instead of hunting Jedi fugitives, Starkiller will be embarking on a personal quest to explore his origins, pursued by Vader and the rest of the Empire.

This all means that the game takes place in between the two Star Wars trilogies, again. In fact, The Force Unleashed 2 takes place six months after the first game, which is about a year before the events of Episode IV: A New Hope. I know that George Lucas is trying to milk the movie timeline as much as possible, but I wish they would pack it in, maybe explore Luke Skywalker’s New Jedi Order in a game. There’s plenty of material to base it on, and this game would feel like less of a shameless rehash.

Well, that isn’t entirely fair. This game may be a rehash, but it is also an opportunity for the developers of the first game to make amends. While the targeting system and Force powers were heavily criticized last time, they are all back for the sequel, only rebuilt from top to bottom in order to be more useful and defined. Here’s hoping that the screwed up camera angles will rise anew like Vader himself, staying on target like Rebel pilots. Could I get one more Star Wars joke at the expense of a Star Wars game? No? Used ‘em up, huh?

The game will run the Havok engine again, along with the Digital Molecular Matter rendering, and Euphoria. Keep in mind that Havok and Euphoria were used masterfully in Red Dead Redemption this year, despite the fact that The Force Unleashed had them both two years ago. Apparently, the genius engines that give players unique AI responses, physically accurate substances like glass and metal, and realistic character modeling are going to be used again for The Force Unleashed 2…but better. And that is the extent of the explanation. They will be used better.

What’s the Deal with Starkiller? (HERE BE SPOILERS!!!)

Apparently this guy just can't be put down, even by fire or death or whatever.

Those of us that played both lightside and darkside endings of The Force Unleashed know that the in-canon ending saw Starkiller sacrificing himself to save the leaders of the Rebel Alliance. Vader and the Emperor live to be evil another day, and the movies still match up.

So, how does the kid come back after death for the sequel? Answer: Kamino cloning. It is well established by interviews and footage that the opening level is Star-Clone escaping the planet Kamino with fractured memories of the dead Starkiller. Haden Blackman gave a noble attempt to make this sound like a mystery (“Can Jedi be cloned?” and “He tries to discover if he really is a clone,” are both nonchalantly thrown into Blackman’s interview at E3), but all I can do is shake my head in amazement. They really couldn’t think of a better excuse. I mean, clearly they wanted to cut some costs and use the older character models again, but a better plot would have involved another deus ex medical machine, as Vader and his apprentice are so fond of.

First Impressions

As long as there are Stormtroopers to hack n' slash, things should go swimmingly.

I reserve judgment until I play the game, and I’m sure to buy this one fairly soon after its release date. From where I’m sitting now, however, it looks like Lucasarts and all their cohorts are trying to cash in on their multimedia Force Unleashed project that didn’t do much business two years ago. Along the way, it looks like the developers of the game are genuinely trying to give some mea culpas, but they are going about it in the wrong way.

Think of it like this: Lucasarts gave us a boring, visually poor MMORPG several years ago with Star Wars Galaxies. Now, they are making up for it with The Old Republic, which looks to be everything that Galaxies was not. The same company gave us a decent third-person combat adventure in 2008 (which seemed mediocre after all the hype), and they are trying to make up for any disappointment by…ready for it…giving us what is essentially an expansion pack with some improvements on gameplay and a story that reeks of bad leftovers.

But like I said, that’s just what it looks like now. Give me four months, and I’ll get back to you with the final verdict.

Thank the gods Leonidas and his 300 never ran into THIS Persian Prince.

“Most people think time is like a river that flows swift and sure in one direction. But I have seen the face of time, and I can tell you: they are wrong. Time is an ocean in a storm. You may wonder who I am or why I say this. Sit down and I will tell you a tale like none you have ever heard.”

As much as I wish I could say this line was true, unfortunatly I have seen a Disney Movie of the same name a month prior and am very aware of the tale. However, after taking a little trip to it’s roots I couldn’t be more happy with my time traveling experience, literally.

Have The Time of Your Life…Figuratively Speaking

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is a 3D platformer adventure game released in 2003 for the GameCube, PS2, Xbox, and the PC, so there are more than enough options of where to find this game. Made by Ubisoft, the same team that brought us the recent hit series Assasin’s Creed, newcomers may notice just how much new platformers like AC or even Uncharted have been inspired by this game. But even now seven years later, when it comes to agility and acrobatics, this one still takes the cake.

Running across walls while narrowly avoiding spikes never gets old. Ever.

I cannot stress enough how well the platforming is done in this game. Seriously, it’s like they extracted the exploration mechanics of the original Tomb Raider, then encased it in gold. Leaping, climbing, crawling, somersaulting, wall jumping, wall running, pole swinging, pole balancing all feel incredibly intuitive. The level design is made specifically to test your reactions with every new obstacle, and they progress in difficulty at a very fair pace. The whole time-mechanic in the game helps soften the frustration you may have in certain tricky parts. If you miss a jump, simply hold the rewind button and try again.

More Than a Pretty Control Scheme

For a game with such a strong focus on game play, the story is incredibly well crafted as well. A villain named Vizier (the guy that conveniently looks and acts exactly like Jafar from Aladdin) tricks The Prince of Persia into plunging the Dagger of Time into an hourglass, creating a sandstorm that turns all the people of Azad to monsters. The only three unaffected possess magical objects. Vizier with his staff, the Prince with the dagger, and Farah, the Princess of Maharajah, with her medallion. The Prince and Farah quickly make a pact to transverse the labrynths of Azad to return the Sands of Time to the hourglass and undo the damage he has done.

What you do you prefer? Magic carpet ride for two? Racing through temples fighting off hoards of Zombie Sand Monsters?

While there are only two real characters in this entire game (plus the villain Jaf- I mean Vizier), they are both done excellently. The Prince is basically an arrogant jerk, but we quickly learn it’s a façade to hide his true insecurities about his lost father and feeling he may or may not be developing for a certain princess of a town he’s now responsible for sacking and cursing. Farah is quite possibly one of the greatest female companions I’ve seen in a video game. Unlike other games where it feels like a tedious escort mission, Farah never feels completely reliant on you. She has her own motives as the story progresses, but to avoid spoilers, I won’t say no more.

So… the platforming’s an A+, story’s an A, characters are an A, graphics and level design are all an A. But nothing’s pefect The combat unfortunately is a C. It’s kinda cool at first to slow down time, turn enemies to sand sculpures, flip over them, chop them in two, or any combination of the four, but you quickly learn all there is to learn and they just end up becoming tedious interludes between the platforming and puzzle parts that are actually fun. Not only that, the enemies get larger and larger in numbers and they become a far pain to dispatch. The more you get frustrated the more you die. Just be thankful that by the time all those fights are over, you get to the final boss Vizier and he’s only one guy so he’s cake. Sorry to spoil that for you all, but I figured you all could assume a plot point like “the bad guy is the final boss.”

To be quite honest, it actually wasn’t that bad.

It’s been a month since Jerry Brukheimer’s Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time arrived in theatres. Since then, it has garnered praise as “The first genuinely good movie to be based on a video game.” (Moviebob) As for myself, I was actually very pleased with how well the elements of the game were adapted to fit in the structure of a film. To be fair, only the very beginnings and very ends are a whole lot similar, but the complex hero/heroine dynamic, the action, sense of adventure, mixed with the magic of time was all there. As for which one I prefer? The movie does a fair job, but definitely the game.

If you won’t take my advice for it get this. Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw, the Gordon Ramsay/Simon Cowell of game criticism, has declared that the Prince of Persia Sands of Time trilogy is “the greatest franchise of the last console generation.” I must confess that I feel absolutely embarrassed to be seven years late to such a wonderful feat. To make sure nobody else suffers from the same fate, I strongly recommend to all who haven’t done so, defy the future and pick up this game.

Want to know how to beat every inch of Mario Galaxy 2? Read on my friends.

Welcome to my first attempt at offering tips and tricks to a popular video game. For me, I’ve always felt as if I was a fairly good game player, but I was never sure if that translated to teaching. We’ll find out today as I offer Tips From a Grandmaster for one of the best games of the year: Super Mario Galaxy 2 for the Nintendo Wii.

Before we begin, know that I’ll be giving away a handful of spoilers about the game. Namely, all of them. I’m going to tell you every little secret you may encounter and I’m going to do it very quickly and unforgivingly. I will tell you what you get for collecting 120 stars, what you get for doing what comes after that, and your ultimate reward. Hopefully I’ll also be telling you how best to play, but that’s all speculation on my part.

This is your final spoiler warning.

Bowser will have none of this spoiling. Leave now or feel the burn of a spoil.

Okay, now that it’s just us devoted Mario Galaxy 2 players, let me jump right into saying that I’ve now successfully 100% completed Super Mario Galaxy 2. Overall it may just be my favorite Mario 3D platformer now due to how spot on everything about it has been. But there are still some unfortunate downsides that I will address, specifically limitations you’re going to have to find ways around in order to proceed at the Grandmaster level. We ready to begin? First, the basics.

Collecting all 120 Power Stars isn’t too difficult in the long run. I’d say that the more difficult levels tend to be ones where motion controls are required, such as gliding or using the giant rolling ball (I LOATH those levels). Get those out of the way first so as to alleviate stress later on. Two trains of thought dictate that when coming to a particularly difficult star you either A. Take a break from that star and go onto something different, or B. Struggle through it until you succeed. I’m very much of the second option, but that doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes the best course of action is simply shutting the game off and allowing yourself to unwind for a bit.

Once you’ve collected all 120 stars and beaten Bowser yet again, you’ll learn of the Green Stars. These will double the number of stars in the game. Take stock of your skills at this point and above all take a break. It can be soul crushing to see Trickster Comets hit every single level again, right after you’ve just “finished” the game in your mind.

So it's basically a star, but it's green. Pretty simple concept to wrap your head around.

The basics of Green Stars are fairly simple. Green Stars in a level are proportional to the number of Power Stars in the level, meaning either two or three. Green Stars do not have a special condition to appear. Rather, they’re floating out in the open, waiting to be grabbed. They will not be inside boxes, chests, balloons, or enemies.

Most important to know for Green Stars is their distinctive sound. They make a sort of shimmery glowy noise when you are near them. This will be your big indicator as to their location or if you’re close to them. Sometiemes it works best to take it slow in a level and pay close attention to everything you see or hear. Many Green Stars will be painfully simple to grab. The very first Green Star in the first galaxy is pretty much right above your head, more or less, requiring a backflip at most to collect. Others will be downright nasty to grab.

My general rule for Green Stars comes down to going in order of your least-favorite galaxies first and working backward to something simpler. This will reduce your stress, as I mentioned earlier, and allow you to motor through some galaxies faster. I started collecting Green Stars from the S World first and worked my way back through all galaxies with gliding or ball rolling, then through boss levels, then all galaxies with two stars, then World 6 and so on. I ended with the Puzzle Plank Galaxy, my favorite for one reason or another. If you prefer to start simple and work your way towards more difficult galaxies, start in World 1 and move upwards that way. Nothing says you have to go in order though, so use that to your advantage.

And nothing said you had to like these stages either. They're unfair and I hate them.

Okay, now that you know how you’re going to be proceeding with the Green Star Challenge, you’ll need to know some techniques the first 120 stars didn’t teach you. Here they are:

This dude in now your best friend. Get used to it.

Get Comfortable With Luigi: You can switch between using Mario and Luigi at any time on the starship once you beat Bowser the first time. They play slightly different with the main change being jumping height. Luigi can noticeably jump higher and further than Mario. However, Luigi has less traction and takes a bit of extra time to stop, making precise movements tricky. Once you get the hang of Luigi, you’ll prefer him to Mario due to the game-breaking jumps you’ll be capable of. A vast number of Green Stars are placed in locations that seem only Luigi will have the jumping ability to hit, so you need to know how to use him and get really chummy because he’ll be your go-to guy for the second batch of 120 stars.

Sometimes you gotta break a few Yoshi eggs when baking a cake.

Learn How to Sacrifice Yoshi: Up until the Green Stars, I had never been in a situation where I needed to jump off Yoshi in order to get a little extra oomph to my jumps. Knowing the proper time to dismount from Yoshi to gain a little extra air is vital to collecting Green Stars since most galaxies with Yoshi in them place the Green Stars floating over an empty void reachable only with some well-timed flutter jumps and a hasty dismount/spin. Yoshi is your friend but you can’t get every star without dropping a few Yoshis to their untimely demise. Get used to this fact and learn how to dismount, a skill as simple as performing the backflip while on Yoshi.

It's fluffy. Learn to love it. Make that fluff an extension of your body.

Savor the Cloud Suit: It seems like a fairly simple rule of thumb that whenever a Cloud Suit is available in a level, you’ll be expected to utilize it to its fullest to get at least one Green Star in said level. Many times you’ll be asked to reach a Green Star only reachable with the Cloud Suit, meaning you have to know how to make really far leaps and create a cloud at the correct distance. Whenever you find a Cloud Flower and gain the Cloud Suit, don’t waste your clouds all willy-nilly. It is very likely you’ll be required to use all of those clouds at some point in the level. The Melty Molten Galaxy is a prime example of this. If you don’t save at least one or two clouds for late in the level, you won’t be able to get to one of the Green Stars. Be comfortable with the extra floatiness of the Cloud Suit and know when to spin and when not to spin.

Master the Triple Jump: You won’t have to use the Triple Jump until the Green Stars, but then it comes up a number of times. Green Stars will routinely be seen hovering just out of reach above your head. A backflip/spin won’t give you enough air, or even a summersault flip/spin. This is where the mastery of the Triple Jump is critical. The game won’t ask you to do a Triple Jump in any place that doesn’t allow for the running start, but it still demands careful timing. Practice in places where you aren’t likely to die from screwing this up. Once you have the rhythm down you should have less of a problem getting some of the more difficult Green Stars like the first Green Star in the Stone Cyclone Galaxy.

Line Up Your Shots: The Triple Jump is useful for gaining air, but the Long Jump/Spin combo will gain you the most distance, especially with Luigi. Problem is, some Green Stars are located outside your line of sight. You’ll frequently encounter instances where you can’t turn the camera to see straight, either, meaning you’ll have to manually look around to see where the Green Star is shimmering. Once you know where it is in relative distance and height, look for some markings on the ground to help indicate where to jump from. You’ll frequently find straight lines leading you right to the star, allowing you to have a better idea how to aim.

Hey, sometimes things get tough. You'll get over it. Sometimes ghosts chase you. You'll get over it.

Accept Failure: Some of the Green Stars are unfair, simple as that. I’d wager at least half of them are floating over an empty void, meaning that if you miss your shot you’re looking at one less life in your stash (or ‘stache). It is really easy to blame the camera in most places. Do that. It’s easier to accept that the camera is faulty rather than you as the player. Learn to accept when Green Stars are placed in a vague place in what appears to be an optical illusion and realize that you’ll need to just try again and again until you line the shot up perfectly. I can’t tell you how many times I was so dead sure I landed on the star from a crazy jump but fell right past it. Try again and you’ll get it eventually. It’s a pain, but learn to deal and you’ll be fine.

Come To Terms With What You’re Trying to Accomplish: Here’s where the End Game spoiler comes in: You aren’t getting anything from finding all 242 stars in the game. After collecting the 120 Green Stars, you’ll unlock the final galaxy, the Grandmaster Galaxy. This is a tough galaxy, and rightfully so. Once you collect the 241st star, the 49th Comet Medal, and accrue 9,999 Star bits with the Bank Toad, the final star will appear. It is a Daredevil Run of the Grandmaster Galaxy, meaning you have one hit point, no saves, and almost no chance to beat this one. I must have died fifty times just trying to collect this one single star. And what did I get for my trouble? You get three things, beyond the satisfaction of completing the game.

First, Roselina joins your starship. She will now sit on the starship and offer her thanks for having nothing left to do in the game. You don’t get to play as her or anyone else. She just sits there and says “Thanks” every time you speak with her. Secondly, you get a message on your Wii message board that shows a picture of your 242 stars lined up, saying basically, “Thanks for playing the game!” from the development team. Lastly, you unlock the death counter for your profile, letting you know how many times you died while playing the game. This isn’t a reward; this is an insult. “You won! Congrats! Yeah, but by the way, here’s how many times you died. Try harder next time.” Unacceptable. Worst completion reward to any game I’ve played in recent memory.

Look, Rosey, I like you and all, but your thanks isn't gonna cut it. Even Peach had the decency to bake me a cake.

But that’s the thing to remember: You aren’t pushing yourself to find every star because you’ll get anything. You need to understand that the whole point of you collecting everything in the game is so that you can say, “Yes, I did everything in this game.” Nothing more, nothing less. Once you understand this, the game is yours to make or break.

And that’s pretty much all I can say about Super Mario Galaxy 2. Any further Grandmaster questions can be directed to the comments where I will get back to you as soon as possible with an answer. Good luck and Godspeed young Mario star travelers.

Changes were in store for my beloved series. Would it mean the end for my love?

When last we left off, I was swooning over the storytelling prowess of Majora’s Mask and specifically, how dark the tone of the game placed the series. My hopes for a new Zelda game were high and I was eager to hear what would happen next. Before a real console sequel though, we’d be getting a little handheld detour first.

Oracle of Ages (2001):

If this looks a lot like Link's Awakening, that's because it looks a lot like Link's Awakening.

Nintendo Power did its usual thing of hyping me up for the new Zelda games, but this time things were different. Oracle of Ages was for the Game Boy Color, but it wasn’t being released all alone. It was one of two Zelda games released at the same time, so I was skeptical as to the true intentions of this noble little game. I still went out and rented Oracle of Ages, an odd thing to think about since renting Game Boy Color games was extremely rare. Anyway, I rented the game and played it, not thinking too much one way or another. This was another one of those cases where I needed to return once I was a little older and a little wiser. Sure enough, upon closer inspection I found Oracle of Ages to be an excellent game that specialized in the puzzles Zelda games are known for. But wait, there’s more.

Oracle of Seasons (2001):

Is there any wonder why I loved these two games?

Oracle of Seasons was released at the same time as Oracle of Ages, and while they had different core stories and different styles with Ages being more puzzle-oriented and Seasons much more about the action, it was the effect gained from playing them back-to-back that added an extra oomph to the experience. The reason being is that once you played one game, didn’t matter which first, you’d get a code to input in the other game when you started a new file. You’d get to begin the game with an extra heart and characters would reference your exploits from the other game, making the world feel more complete. Even better, these characters would give you a new code to input in the first game, unlocking new weapons and upgrades and such that could then be unlocked in the other game. And after beating the second game, you’d get the chance to fight with Ganon once more, tying things together so nicely. I was really amazed with how cool the whole package felt. Do not buy just one of these if you choose to play them. It’s required that you play both.

The GameCube is Announced:

But all was not well in Hyrule and lands beyond. A great schism was approaching. Nintendo had announced the GameCube and with it showed a now infamous tech demo that’d lead fans astray. The culprit? This image:

If you were a Zelda fan, this got you so jazzed it hurt.

The assumption was that this and a few other images shown in Nintendo Power were actual footage from a new Legend of Zelda game being developed for the GameCube. And why wouldn’t we believe that? It only made sense, plus it looked so much like Ocarina of Time but with better graphics. Except something was wrong. After seeing these images, Nintendo wouldn’t say anything for what seemed like a year until finally we got a look at the new Zelda title on the GameCube. And that’s when fans got mad.

Wind Waker (2002):

Goodbye Zelda series you knew and loved. Hope you like cartoons and sailing.

It is important to note that my opinion of The Wind Waker is this: It is an extremely great game, just a very bad Zelda game. I, like many other Zelda fans, believed the images previously seen in Nintendo Power were what to expect from the new Zelda title, so when a year later we see the equivalent of a cartoon penis pretending to be Link, we were miffed. And no, this wasn’t all fans, and even some fans that were miffed eventually didn’t have a problem, but the general feeling was that Nintendo had betrayed us somehow, regardless of their intent.

Despite any negative feelings due to a misunderstanding, The Wind Waker is a really great game. The art style is pretty darn cool and the controls are spot-on. But the tone doesn’t feel like a Zelda game. Sure, there are races from previous Zelda titles and landmarks mentioned, but overall it just didn’t feel that much like the games I grew up with. It just felt…foreign. And foreign isn’t a bad thing necessarily, unless of course I just wanted a true follow-up to Majora’s Mask with the same sort of mature themes done tastefully. This new cartoon style only pointed me to believe that the dark, sad atmosphere I had been touched by in Majora’s Mask would be replaced by this vibrant color scheme, as if to wash over any real emotion that could potentially occur. The cartoon-style Zelda games would continue to be decent, but they’d never come close to the expectations fans asked for Majora’s Mask’s sequel.

Four Swords Adventures (2004):

I assure you, it's a fun game, just yet another bad Zelda game.

And then something really odd happened. Four Swords Adventures was released on the GameCube to an audience that was mostly unaware (read: indifferent) to its appearance. I for one couldn’t muster a shred of interest when I read about it. I ended up playing it, as always, and all I could say was, “Wow, this is just Link to the Past 2.0.” Once again, it wasn’t a bad thing, per say. It was just another Zelda game that didn’t deliver where the fans were concerned. Art style, yes, it was yet another gorgeous title in the Zelda franchise, and once you got past how it broke with all Zelda conventions it was actually very enjoyable. But as I said, it just wasn’t what fans were asking for, and the multiplayer aspect that Nintendo was pushing for the title wasn’t available unless every player owned a GBA and a GBA-GameCube cable, of which I personally had the needed equipment but had no friends that did. I’d still recommend Four Swords Adventures if you want a simple, cheap game to pass the time in between larger titles.

Minish Cap (2004):

Good, the classic style gameplay. Fine, make it cartoony, just give me back my classic style gameplay.

Something had just broken inside me when it came to the Zelda series. My favorite games were still holding up, but the new releases were failing to stir any desire to fork over the money immediately and buy the next game. Minish Cap was one such example. Oh sure, when I finally played it I found that it was amazing, just as the rest of the Zelda games, but sadly the art style reminded me of Wind Waker. I’m not a snob, I assure you, but that art style doesn’t invoke joy from me. To me, the Wind Waker art style represents a movement away from anything serious within the series, meaning that ultimately the game is the adventure-genre equivalent of a Mario title, by which I mean the ultimate thing at stake is the same over and over again. Princess Zelda has been kidnapped and Link must go through a number of dungeons to get her back. No surprises, no real thrills. Great gameplay and dungeon design, but it feels like empty calories. I don’t feel as if the narrative if progressing towards bettering me as a Zelda gamer or rewarding me for continuing on in the series. All the older titles did, but now something feels like it’s missing. I needed more than trading Kinstones to keep me interested anymore. Would Nintendo ever satisfy fans like me anymore?

Twilight Princess (2006):

The Hero had returned at last.

Things were bleak in my eyes, and then the miracle that is Twilight Princess was announced. Suddenly I was more excited for a video game than I’ve ever been. That pure rush of excitement hit me and I was ready to experience a new Zelda title in the vein of my favorites. But a trailer wouldn’t be enough to satisfy. I’d watch it over and over, waiting for my game, MY game, to finally come out. But therein slept yet another problem.

Twilight Princess would be pushed back again and again until finally it became a launch title for the Wii as well as a GameCube game. I was confused about that, but I was already buying a Wii, so Twilight Princess was a no-brainer for a launch title. It’s still the version I recommend. And Twilight Princess is really recommended. The tone was darker without being overly serious, the story was pretty cool, and all the new elements were excellently added, such as the motion controls. I felt like a very powerful character once I had the bow in my hand, aiming with pinpoint accuracy. This was the game I’d been waiting for, no question. But in my ravenous greed for a new Zelda title I devoured it too quickly, beating the majority of the game (minus some tedious side-quests) in a little over 20 hours. I could only speculate where the series would go from here.

Phantom Hourglass (2007):

Crap, I spoke too soon. We're on a damned boat again.

And then the cartoon style of Zelda came back with a vengeance just to spite me. Phourglass appeared and as soon as I heard it was a DS title I was happy. I thought it would be like the older Zelda titles I enjoyed such as Link’s Awakening or Oracle of Ages. Then I heard you’d use the stylus to control, exclusively. That made me beyond sad. I don’t mind touch controls when they work, but I didn’t see any need to change basic movement and sword swinging from the tried and true D-pad/A button combo. It didn’t matter, I would still play Phourglass, and so I did.

Following directly after The Wind Waker, Phourglass had Link and Tetra/Zelda on an adventure that felt entirely unnecessary. A ghost ship appears and separates the two. Link must go find her through a series of dungeon-related events, accessible via boating. As I mentioned before, this just felt like empty calories. It didn’t feel like the series progressed anywhere but rather decided to fall into a rut. Repetitive gameplay, dull story and setting, and the first Zelda title not to add a single new weapon/item. Seriously, bow, boomerang, bombs? We’ve seen those before! Twilight Princess gave us things like the Spinner, the Ball and Chain, and the Double Claw Shots, but Phourglass couldn’t think of anything. How sad. I was painfully happy when Link saved Tetra in the end and the credits rolled, because it meant I never had to play this one again.

Spirit Tracks (2009):

If the characters in the artwork look like they don't care, that should be a pretty clear indication, shouldn't it?

Silly me, I had to play Phourglass again, except it was called Spirit Tracks this time. You’ve read my review detailing my numerous frustrations with Spirit Tracks, so there isn’t much more to say about this title. When it was first announced it seemed like it had to be a joke. Link on a train? Was there really nothing left to do with the Hero of Legend? At least it added new weapons/tools whereas Phourglass hadn’t, but these new items included the usual variety of bombs, bows, boomerangs, and the obligatory “odd” item, the pinwheel, an item I loathed because it required I used the microphone. Blowing into the DS microphone is NOT enjoyable in any game I’ve yet played. Even worse, the final boss fight felt nearly impossible due to the awful touch screen sword mechanics. I’ve never cursed so much while playing a Zelda game, a very bad sign. All Zelda fans could do was look to the future and hope, knowing that Nintendo had promised a new Wii Zelda sometime. But when would we know more?

Skyward Sword (2011?):

I'm ready for this game to knock my shorts off. It's got a lot to live up to.

This year’s E3 showed us our first true look at Skyward Sword, the official name of the new Zelda title for the Wii. It’s not out yet (obviously), but Nintendo has claimed it should be out around 2011. I’ll believe it when I see it happen, but the sooner the better. The last “good” Zelda game was in late 2006, so I’m ready for something new and something now.

Skyward Sword has a slew of screenshots, plus some gameplay footage and an excellent trailer showing off what we can expect. And what stands out the most? The art style. It looks very much like Twilight Princess but with a cell-shaded sheen, almost a hybrid between Twilight Princess and The Wind Waker. Naturally, this worries me. Has the precedence been set to ease the series once more toward the cartoony style? To me, this means a movement away from a deeper Zelda experience and a push toward more empty calories. The console Zelda games have always been excellent in one form or another, each very different from the last, but the cartoony-style Zelda games have a very repetitive feel to them. What also scares me is the decision of Skyward Sword to use motion controls for every action now, similar to how stylus control was forced work for the DS titles. Is the Zelda series officially dead to me? We’ll have to wait and see.

So what comes next? Where will the series take us in the future? Nintendo seems pretty keen on remaking Ocarina of Time for the 3DS, but that’s just a remake, nothing new. Will we ever hear Link truly speak? Will Ganondorf stay trapped or dead? I’m hopeful for what comes next, but how about you? Do you still love the Zelda series no matter what it does next? Or are too jaded at this point to care? I’m done with all my memories so now it’s your turn to pontificate about one of gaming’s oldest and dearest franchises. In the meantime I’ll just sit here and pray to Din, Nayru and Farore that Skyward Sword is awesome.

Need more retrospectives? Take a look at these:

-Mario: A Retrospctive

-Rare: A Retrospective

-Go Green Machine! A Ninja Turtle Video Game Retrospective

Are you ready to hear some memories of the greatest story ever told? Too bad, 'cause here I go!

If there’s any series I love more than Mario, it’s the Legend of Zelda. I’ve been a fan for years now and I’m guaranteed to play each new title as it comes out, regardless of my preference for the art style or any other factors. I just have to play me some Zelda. Well, as predicted, Nintendo showed off the new Zelda title at E3 this year, the Skyward Sword, and I’m pretty excited. So much so that I decided to give my own little Zelda retrospective. So here it is, grab your magic bags and Master Swords and let’s take a trip to Hyrule.

The Legend of Zelda (1986):

It looks so simple these days, doesn't it?

The very first Legend of Zelda game for the NES was a game-changer in terms of how a video game should be played. The world map was huge for its time and the puzzles were complex. You were forced to think and try different solutions in order to advance. I, however, didn’t play this as a kid. I played this much, much later once I had the Zelda Collector’s Edition for the GameCube, and would you like to know my final death count? 187. That’s pathetic. I know I’m better than that, but even worse, there’s no way I can understand how anyone was able to beat this game prior to the internet having world maps and walkthroughs because some things you’re expected to know are stupidly difficult to solve. Still, the music was excellent and had a special power over me. Without realizing it I’d start singing along with actual lyrics whenever I played, but as soon as the game turned off I couldn’t remember the lyrics I’d been singing. It’s a secret to everybody.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1987):

Honestly, I think this was better than the first game.

After the success of the first Zelda title, a sequel was insured, but Miyamoto did what he always seems to do and decided to change the formula completely. Now, instead of a top-down view, Link was placed in a side-scrolling action platformer. Fans were not happy with this one and many consider it the worst game of the series. I, conversely, loved it. This was another one that I first played when I got that awesome Collector’s Edition for the ‘Cube, but when I bought it for the NES I replayed it just because I loved it. Granted, the difficulty spikes near the end, asking players to go through some of the most unreasonable gameplay in any game, especially a Zelda title. I highly recommend this one, especially if you’re not a fan of most Zelda titles.

The Animated Series (1989):

No Link, I will not excuse you. Not now and not ever.

While not a game, The Super Mario Bros Super Show began running animated episodes of The Legend of Zelda every Friday. As expected, the show itself had very little in common with the actual games. For one, Link spoke, and all the time, mostly with horrendous dialogue. Also, he was right-handed, in stark contrast to a running theme in the game series that Link was always left-handed. I could conceivably get past these problems, if not for the main one: The animated series didn’t understand how a Triforce worked. The opening cinematic says that Zelda keeps the Triforce of Wisdom safe and that Ganon has the Triforce of Power. That’s fine, but then Zelda says “If Ganon gets both the Triforce of Wisdom and the Triforce of Power he’ll be unstoppable!” They do realize that a Triforce by nature has THREE pieces, right? What was just described was a Biforce. Utter failure. And every episode, of which there were thankfully only 13, Link said his catchphrase “Well excuuuuuse me princess.” Ugh, makes me shudder just remembering. I don’t even know why they bothered putting this on DVD, or for that reason, why I bothered to purchase it and then watch it in full. Shame on me I suppose.

A Link to the Past (1991):

And then Nintendo reminded everyone that they still knew how to make a damn good Zelda game.

Zelda fans were really itching to get a new game in the style of the first by the early 90’s. Those prayers were answered with gusto once the SNES rolled around and A Link to the Past appeared in the style of the first game. Every single ounce of this game was polished to near perfection. The story was elaborated and fleshed out a bit, Link was given an arsenal of unique weapons and tools to progress, and the game was HUGE. After collecting the three mystical gems I figured the game was pretty much over, but then it sent me to the Dark World and told me there were eight more dungeons to explore. Epic! Sadly, my first memory of this game comes from when I borrowed it from a friend but the cartridge’s battery was dying, so when I turned it on one day all games had been erased, of which he had one at 100% in end game. He didn’t forgive me for quite some time after that, as if it was my fault the game was old.

Link’s Awakening (1993):

I'll never forget Koholint Island, even if it isn't real.

The first Zelda game I ever played, Link’s Awakening is still one of my favorite games of all time, at least in the top 10. It was the first game I got with my Game Boy one year during my birthday, and I was completely clueless how to play a Zelda game. I managed to get to the Bottle Grotto, the second dungeon, but I couldn’t figure out how to proceed any further. I was stuck, and nothing could help me, so I gave up for a few years. Eventually I went back to the game a little older and little wiser, but I still couldn’t get past the second dungeon. And then I accidentally pushed a block and triggered a secret staircase. That block also triggered something in my brain and unlocked a portion known as the “Zelda Mindset” used for all Zelda games or Zelda-like games. Since then I’ve had no problem in a Zelda game save for a few anomalies.

On a side note, this game also gave me my #1 most hilarious Zelda moment where Link speaks with Marin, the girl who found him washed up on he beach, and asks her to come help him with something midway through the game. When she agrees, Link “gets” her just like any other item, causing him to hold her above his head and look up her dress. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw it happen. Beyond that, I still cry when I hear the ending theme play.

Zelda CD-i (1993):

This is really an image from the game. Isn't that just sad?

These are not Zelda games. Nintendo has even stated that these are not Zelda games. But still, there are three games, The Wand of Gamelon, The Faces of Evil, and Zelda’s Adventure, that contain Link, Zelda, and Ganon. I have not played any of the three, but I’ve seen extensive gameplay footage of people who have, and there’s no reason to punish yourself. However, I’ve claimed to Other Chris that if he finds me a CD-i and one of the Zelda games for it, I promise to play it to completion no matter what. Thankfully he has not yet acquired the needed materials to torture me properly. So to be clear, you can skip these three because they do NOT count. So let’s move on to my favorite game of all time instead.

Ocarina of Time (1998):

And then Nintendo reminded everyone they still knew how to make a damn good Zelda game...again.

As I said, Ocarina of Time is my favorite game of all time. It was my first Games You Should Have Played article and reappeared over and over and over again in one form or another in my various writings. It’s bound to show up again at some point, all because it really is an excellent game.

The tricky thing is, before Ocarina of time there wasn’t really a question of Zelda continuity, at least not for me anyway. The Legend of Zelda went directly into The Adventure of Link, and A Link to the Past had that same Link shipwrecked in Link’s Awakening. But with Ocarina of Time we were hearing what sounded like a complete origin story to everything. We learned where the Triforce came from and how Ganondorf started down the path of evil, plus we saw the world for the first time with 3D graphics, making it all the more impressive and real. But it was clear that the story wasn’t yet over. Navi, while annoying, flew away at the end of the game in a sad moment that I couldn’t help feeling sick about. My real question was: Would Link ever find Navi again?

Majora’s Mask (2000):

How do you follow up the best-reviewed game ever? Like this.

That’s when Majora’s Mask came along. It was a direct sequel to Ocarina of Time, so a lot was expected from it. The premise mentioned that Link was searching for a lost friend, presumably Navi (who else would he be looking for?), and then he gets jumped by the Skull Kid and thrown into the alternate world of Termina where the moon is falling. When I first played Majora’s Mask I enjoyed it, but I was sad that Link wasn’t still an adult. Plus, putting the whole game on a constantly resetting timer was jarring, but eventually you get used to it. It was certainly harder than Ocarina of Time for all the right reasons, but what stood out to me most then and especially now was the story. Majora’s Mask had the best story of any Zelda game and I’d argue still does.

See, Majora’s Mask is incredibly dark. The whole game deals with death and passing on. From the very start you realize that this game’s tone is way darker than any previous Zelda title, but it only gets darker. The big indicator is the means for how Link acquires new masks. There are three main masks he changes between: The Deku Mask, the Goron Mask, and the Zora Mask. When Link places these masks on his face he transforms in a short cutscene that shows him in agony (you can’t deny it), and later you learn that the Goron Mask was made because Daruni, the Goron chief, has died and given his power to you. Next, you find a dying Zora washed up on the beach and ease his pain, allowing him to die and leave you the Zora Mask.

What seems to get missed is that the Deku Mask must also contain the spirit of someone who died. In the first few minutes you’re transformed into a Deku Scrub and while learning the basics of the controls, you stumble upon a short tree that Tatl remarks looks just like you. A bit later, the Deku Butler helps you because you remind him of his son whom he hasn’t seen in quite some time. If you haven’t pieced this together, the ending cutscene shows the Deku Butler on his hands and knees in front of the Deku tree you see at the beginning of the game. That’s beyond dark. That’s intensely macabre, and I applaud the Zelda series for being that mature in story without having to be mature in violence or sex. Unfortunately, this would set a precedence that would cause problems in the series within just a few short years.

Also, I liked Tingle. I thought he was hilarious. Screw everyone that disagrees.

I’ll end part 1 of the Zelda Retrospective here to let you stew over Majora’s Mask’s darker tones. It will be the last time the series manages to rise to a level above most other games, and while my favorite is still Ocarina of Time, I maintain that Majora’s Mask is the best game of the series. But don’t forget to come back tomorrow for the second half where I explain why a bunch of Zelda fans jumped ship, literally, and how some of them came back.

Want more Zelda? Check out these articles:

-Zelda: A Retrospective Part 2

-Let’s Think Deep: The Virtual Utopia

-The Top Ten Best Zelda Items

We knew Zelda was coming, but what surprises did E3 give us?

This year’s E3 is now over. As you may have guessed, I was not there. That’s not to say I’m completely without my knowledge of things that occurred during this year’s major press conferences. In fact, Other Chris is lucky and naturally talented enough to be an intern for a major game site (I won’t tell you who it is but it’s GameTrailers), meaning he was there and called me every night to give me the firsthand scoop. Utilizing all of my resources, I now present to you the big things from E3 2010.

Microsoft:

Oh look, another SKU of the 360. We really needed one of these, thanks.

It’s sad to say, but Microsoft may have just made a huge fool of itself this year with an incredibly lackluster showing of anything really interesting to its market of core gamers. The past few years it’s gone out of its way to point out how much it’s the “adult” system compared to Nintendo’s Wii. Then of course last year it showed off Project Natal, a version of motion control that requires only your body, similar to Sony’s Eye Toy from so many failed years ago.

Natal has a new name now: Kinect. It pains me to write that, it really does. Granted, it also pains me to see anything associated with Kinect because the games look exactly like you’d expect them to: Stupid. It’s like Microsoft isn’t even trying to differentiate itself from Nintendo either with titles like Kinect Sports and Kinect Party. Wii Fit clones? You bet, in bundles. Nintendogs with safari animals? Kinanimals, or some ridiculous name. That’s right, I won’t even bother to look it up for sure.

Don't these just make you wanna get up and spend $150? Me neither.

But what new games were shown at Microsoft’s press conference? Well, they showed off Gears of War 3, a title we already heard about last month and knew about even earlier. The new Call of Duty game appeared, which looks exactly as you’d expect it to. Once again, it was a title we had seen announced earlier. Same exact thing with Halo: Reach, a game that looks good, but still, we’ve already known about it. Finally, Metal Gear Rising, a game announced last year, was shown again. That means Microsoft showed four titles, only two that are exclusives, and spent the rest of their time pumping Kinect to an audience that couldn’t care less. Oh, and Kinect’s price point? $149.99. That’s a bit steep for the casual market, because the hardcore market sure isn’t going to buy the add-on, not even if they buy the new SKU of the 360, the Xbox 360 Slim. Wow, they’re really not trying to cover where they got all these ideas from, aren’t they?

Sony:

Hey, at least Sony had SOMETHING to surprise fans with, more or less.

The PS3 is slowly picking up some steam, and Sony’s press conference was thankfully better than Microsoft’s, at least a little bit. As also expected, Sony talked about their motion control device, the Sony Move, though it was toned way back compared to how much time Microsoft devoted to Kinect, possibly because Sony saw how badly Kinect was received. Little Big Planet 2 was shown, though don’t forget, that was announced a while ago as well. Will this E3 show any titles not previously shown?

Yes, actually. Sony surprised everyone by announcing a new Twisted Metal game for the PS3, a game fans have been pleading for and still somewhat expected, though not any time soon, making it a nice surprise. Another bit of a surprise was Gran Turismo 5. No, we’d heard about this one years and years and years ago, but Sony finally gave it a release date, which is big enough news. The release date is November 2nd, so we won’t know for a few months at least whether that is subject to change, though I’m willing to bet money that it will.

It's only taken them...I lost count how many years.

God of War has a new sequel for the PSP, another totally expected announcement, Killzone 3 was shown to utilize the 3D elements Sony’s implementing into the PS3 (as long as you have a $5000 3D TV), and a few other minor titles were shown off for the PSP and PS3 alike, but nothing that really stands out. A new feature for the Playstation Network was announced that says there will be a premium service added, priced the exact same as an Xbox Live Gold Subscription. Sony says the current free online service of the Playstation Network will not be changing, but if you pay to upgrade your account you’ll get early release demos, free games, and other things. I’m predicting that companies will begin requiring PS3 owners to upgrade to play more online multiplayer modes than “stock matches,” but this is just my speculation.

Nintendo:

This will be the thing everyone talks about for a while now.

Nintendo won this year, hands down. No way they’ll win next year because they showed everything they’ve had secret for the past few years. Last year was all about the casual market, but this year showed Nintendo franchise titles roll out one by one, mostly thanks to the 3DS. From what I’ve read, and even more mostly from what Other Chris told me, the 3D really works and blows your mind, but it doesn’t come without severe limitations. You have to be at the exact distance and holding the system at the correct angle for the 3D to work, but when it does it freaks you out with how cool it is. The graphics aren’t quite GameCube/Wii level, but they’re still impressive for a handheld.

So with this new system was the announcement of tons of titles, most noteworthy the launch title Kid Icarus Uprising, the Kid Icarus game fans have demanded since the last Kid Icarus game on the Game Boy. Nintendo’s toyed with fans long enough, putting Pit in Brawl, but now there’s a new game and it looks freaking amazing. Definitely a strong-looking launch title.

Okay, ya got me Nintendo, here is my money right now.

But that’s not all. Three more titles coming out for the 3DS caught my eye and got me happy. The first was a remake of Star Fox 64, a game that works absolutely perfectly for the handheld. The second was more hushed, but it’s a Paper Mario game, a series I figured lent itself perfectly to the new system (kind of sad I didn’t get a chance to pitch it first). And of course the biggest reveal: Ocarina of Time MIGHT be remade for the 3DS. Should it? Of course, the more people that play Ocarina of Time the better, plus the graphics even in the teaser demo were a huge improvement over the 64 graphics. That’s just astonishing to me. But remember, Nintendo has NOT confirmed they’re for sure remaking that game, just suggested that it’s a possibility. At this point though, it’ll happen.

Still more awesome titles were shown, such as the Legend of Zelda game we all knew was coming. It’s titled the Skyward Sword and has an art style somewhere in between Twilight Princess and Wind Waker. Personally I think it looks cool, plus I’m a Zelda fan anyway, but I can promise you that fans will be angrily split since the overall graphical sheen looks brighter and happier in tone, a big no-no for fans, apparently. A bit of a surprise was the new Kirby game for the Wii with a really unique art style that looks like yarn. Not much to say, but it’s going to be a game Kirby fans will love. More than the Zelda release, one of the best-received games was Donkey Kong Country Returns for the Wii. It’s being developed by Retro Studios, the company behind the Metroid Prime series, and looks like a return to form back to the SNES titles. Finally, Donkey Kong is awesome again.

Other Big Companies:

Hey, nothing wrong with a little Stormtrooper carnage.

Yes, there are more games to talk about other than just ones from the Big Three, but not a whole lot to go into. Square Enix did their usual thing by showing little pieces of games here and there, such as Final Fantasy IV, an online game they showed last year. Nothing new there, and since it’s an online Final Fantasy game the core fans are generally brushing it aside. Plus, Kingdom Hearts games were mentioned for the various systems, but nothing like the official Kingdom Hearts 3, so I didn’t really care.

EA came out and did its thing by just showing the Medal of Honor game developed by the guys booted off the Call of Duty series…so basically a new Call of Duty game from EA. Seriously, it looked the same to me, but I’m told it’s “better” than Call of Duty. Ask me if I really care.

Ubisoft seems to have given the most embarrassing press conference this year with one awkward moment after another, such as showcasing a DDR-style game controlled by breathing. I know, exciting, right? No, not really. I was happy to hear of a really cool Rayman platformer, but that was it. Nothing else from Ubisoft is worth mentioning unless it’s to explicitly mock them, or so I’m told. All second hand info here.

Totally forgot, Sonic has a new game for the Kinect. Who gives a crap?

Let’s see, other big titles…oh, Mortal Kombat is back and it remembered how to be Mortal Kombat. That’s good news, what with the blood and gore and real fatalities in a game that Mortal Kombat fans are pretty happy with. Infamous 2 was announced and shown with the big change coming down to ice as the primary power rather than electricity. Cool (oh, see what I just did there?!). I’m now racking my brain to think…Epic Mickey, yeah, that finally got shown, and it was pretty…meh, I’ll wait for more interesting gameplay to be shown before I make a real judgment call. Oh! Right! Force Unleashed II! Yeah, looks pretty much like a sequel to Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Good for them, I guess.

Okay, what more? Goldeneye is getting remade for the Wii, and while it looks interesting, I doubt anyone will really go for it. Goldeneye’s charm is way past gone, so all it has remaining is the nostalgia factor going for it. Ah, but Portal 2, that looks promising. There’s a nice cross-section of the FPS genre with Goldeneye getting remade and Portal getting a sequel at last. Good news for everyone there.

Enough teasing already, just give us the sequel, please.

Alright, I’m out of news to share. A lot more was shown, but this is what stuck out to me. The rest is up for you to see. So now the question is, as it is every year, who do you think “won” E3? I’m voting for Nintendo for all the obvious reasons, but who did you pick? Or was E3 a total wash for you? Leave a comment and let me know. Besides, now that E3’s over we have to start speculating about what E3 next year will be like.