10. Vegeta Doesn’t Actually Have a Heart:

"I'm so sad...there were so many people i still wanted to kill..."

One of the most impactful moments of the series has to be Vegeta’s (first) death. Instead of a moment of bro rage, like his second sacrificial death, he’s taken a severe beating from Frieza and knows he’s going to die. Goku arrives on the scene and instead of just saying, “Go get ‘em,” Vegeta begins openly weeping as he explains why he, and all Saiyans, are the way they are: Frieza gave them no choice but to be bloodthirsty killing machines. In a fit of tears, Vegeta lays it on the line and begs Goku to finish the fight because, essentially, Vegeta was a scared little boy who was kidnapped from his father.

And then Vegeta comes back and he’s overjoyed at the thought of getting to fight with the pew-pews and the Saiyan Pride once again. In fact, within the first five minutes of resurrection, he’s threatened Earth, mocked Goku’s inevitable death on an exploding planet in front f his son, and generally been a real D-bag. So Vegeta opens up and says he’s only bad because Frieza gave him no other option, and now that Frieza’s dead he remembers, oh yeah, he loves being an evil SOB. Speaking of which…

9. Vegeta Dooms Everyone Because He’s Impatient:

Pff, thinking is for losers. Besides, I still have more people I want to kill.

None of the characters of the show really think things through in the long run, but none fewer than Vegeta. He’s so in the moment that he forgets some critical and obvious details, such as what letting a super power villain become even more super powered would actually mean, or believing that because his power level is higher than his opponent at this one second, there couldn’t possibly be any way for that to shift dramati- OH GOD HE POWERED UP A LITTLE BIT MORE I’M DOOMED!

Vegeta’s flip-flopping costs everyone a whole huge headache during the overall Cell Saga as he has two separate chances to end all their problems. First, he could have fought Dr Gero and destroyed him immediately after blowing up Android 19, but he didn’t mostly because he felt it would be more fun to see what Android 17 and 18 would be like to fight. And then he gets beaten stupid and everyone gets mad at him. Luckily, Vegeta gets a chance to train in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber (let’s not get into how huge of a plothole that is) and returns so powerful that he can beat Cell in his second form without a contest. Except Cell convinces Vegeta to let him achieve perfection, thus giving Vegeta a real challenge.

What makes no sense here is that even the simplest of idiots can remember that in less than a day, Goku (that’d be Vegeta’s arch rival and constant one-upper), would be coming out of the same training even strongerer, and best yet, he’d totally love to fight Vegeta in a no-holds-bared sort of match. Only with Goku, there’s no risk of something really bad happening should Vegeta lose the match. Nope, Cell’s offer was too tempting and Vegeta fell for it. It’s not like, you know, everyone around him keeps getting stronger and stronger and new villains keep showing up all the time…right? At least Vegeta was always ready for a fight, unlike…

8. Gohan Suddenly Loses All Interest to Fight:

"Knowledge is the real power!"

A lot of the series paints Gohan as the main protagonist rather than Goku. Gohan has a real training arc in the Saiyan Saga, displays a lot of heroic qualities on Namek, and then finally manages to surpass his dad’s strength and save the Earth by the end of the Cell Saga. Peace is restored; Gohan has succeeded in being strong like his dad and following in his footsteps.

And then he just stops caring. Once immediate danger is gone, Gohan figures, “Meh, this fighting thing’s boring now.” Just like that, all training stops and he starts studying again. For a character who’s supposed to be really smart, this sure is a dumb thing to do. I mean, if anything were to happen and the Earth would need saving once more, it’s not like Goku’s alive and can just fix it. The whole point of Gohan’s awakening in the Cell Saga was to teach him to take up his dad’s role and save the world should evil threaten it again. Goku’s dead, Trunks has returned to the future, and Vegeta certainly doesn’t have the noblest ideals. And wouldn’t you know it, evil does threaten the world again and it becomes apparent that Gohan is far outclassed. It’s like these Saiyans don’t understand the show’s lore…

7. Saiyans Don’t Understand Their Own Anatomy:

"Weird guys, I keep getting stronger after nearly killing myself over and over. Must be the push-ups!"

There are two main things the Saiyans know about themselves before the whole Super Saiyan Sitcom that the show becomes. Raditz explains to Goku, very clearly I might add, that Saiyans can transform into giant apes during a full moon, something that Goku then witnesses firsthand when Vegeta transforms later on. We also learn from Vegeta that Saiyans get stronger after every battle, win or lose, and that a Saiyan that heals from near-death feels his power greatly magnified each and every time.

Entire plot points hinge on this fact, such as Goku training relentlessly in his spaceship on the way to Namak, beating the hell out of his body and healing repeatedly, only to arrive on Namek to own the Ginyu Force as a result of this huge power spike, or when Vegeta has Krillin blast him through the chest and then makes Dende heal him so that he could potentially stand a fighting chance against Frieza, or when Cell regenerates from his explosion and is suddenly a match for Gohan’s Super Saiyan 2 form. Yeah, that bit of anatomy is rather useful, isn’t it?

It’s too bad then that no one knows what to do with it. A smart man would see this problem and determine that the absolute best strategy in any situation that allows for extended periods of training, such as the three years before the Androids’ arrival or the magic year in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, would be to have two Saiyans beat the ever-loving hell out of each other, rest for a bit to heal, then do it all over again. And if no senzu beans are readily available, the tech is there to make rejuvenation chambers. Perhaps this would make the plots pretty basic, sure, but all this does is show that these characters are too stupid to figure out really good training regiments, even after already doing them. Maybe they don’t feel like they need to train anymore because…

6. Super Saiyans? No Problem!

"No! You're lying about Santa! You have to be!"

Remember how it was a big deal when Goku transformed into a Super Saiyan? Remember how it felt when a mysterious youth arrived on earth and transformed into a Super Saiyan before killing Frieza? Remember how amazing it was when Vegeta found the inspiration to transform in order to fight the Androids? Remember how Gohan struggled to become a Super Saiyan and then ascend to a Super Saiyan 2? Remember how Goten and Trunks just felt like becoming Super Saiyans one day? Yeah, awesome…

The magic of the Super Saiyan transformation isn’t so much that it’s just cool to see your favorite characters get stronger and explode into a shiny golden thing. No, the treat is to see their breaking point and have them backed into such a corner that they have no choice but to transform or die. That’s why the transformation is cool. Goten transformed because he was sparring with his mom. Trunks transformed because he wanted Vegeta to take him to the park. No magic. No mystery.

With this element lost, it becomes a real question of “Why?” If Goten and Trunks can just transform, does that mean that all children born from a Super Saiyan parent can just transform? Well, no, because Vegeta wasn’t a Super Saiyan when he impregnated Bulma with Trunks, so that doesn’t work, and then their second child, Bra (I don’t remember her US), isn’t capable of transforming at all. So what makes Goten and Trunks so special that it just happens for them? Nothing, the plot just wanted to speed things along. Oh well, it’s not like there’s a benevolent deity helping these things along…

5. Heaven Really Couldn’t Care Less:

"Sure I could help you save the universe. Or I could look at some boobies. Why haven't you got me some boobies to squeeze since I've bene talking to you? I'm god you know!"

The Buu Saga is all about how rules were meant to be broken and that the gods of the spiritual realm really don’t give too craps as to what’s going on in the mortal world and specifically Earth, the planet where the greatest galactic threat is resting, just waiting to be resurrected. When the Supreme Kai finally steps in to try and stop Babidi from resurrecting Majin Buu, he’s flabbergasted that Goku, Gohan, and Vegeta are all so freaking strong. It’s cute to essentially see God amazed by the Saiyans’ power, but then you remember that it doesn’t make any sense.

According to Supreme Kai, he’s been following Babidi’s spaceship around, hoping to catch him before he has a chance to bring Buu back to life. But we know that Buu is sealed up on Earth, so either Supreme Kai just forgot that important detail, or he’s just plain stupid. I’m going with both. If you were in a battle that resulted in the god of gods getting eaten and somehow managed to get the evil creature that did the eating all sealed up and safely tucked away, you’d probably make a note of that, wouldn’t you? Or at least check up and see if the evil space wizard you just killed had a son or something that could eventually resurrect the monster, right?

What makes this worse is that Goku’s unbelievable power isn’t a mystery to the Other World as he’s competed in a tournament and is training with the strongest warriors of all time where each of them is amazed that he already outclasses them despite only being dead for a few weeks. That would raise a few eyebrows, or at least it would if the gods cared what was going on. Oh well, at least they don’t have to worry about time travel…

4. Does Trunks Understand How Time Works?

"Frick! Doc! Help!"

Future Trunks is one of my absolute favorite characters of the series, partly because he’s one of the few who cut through the BS and say straight out, “We need to kill these guys to stop them from killing EVERYONE!” He’s cool because he’s lived in a world where the worst-case scenario has happened and he’s the last one alive, so he can impart his knowledge to the past and see if it helps. I mean, it doesn’t, but he can try at least.

Except, he doesn’t really understand how this whole time travel business works. When he arrives in Timeline A (the main series’ timeline), the first thing he does is reveal that he’s a Super Saiyan and then kills Frieza. He does this because he knows that Goku’s still two hours away and thinks that if he doesn’t step in, Frieza will destroy the planet. Though answer me something: If Trunks didn’t show up in Timeline B (Future Trunks’ timeline), but none of the Z Fighters were killed and Frieza was dead…who must have killed Frieza? Yet Trunks knows when and where Goku will arrive down to the second, a prediction only made accurate if Trunks had killed Frieza in his own timeline as well.

To make matters worse, Trunks doesn’t seem to think about staying in Timeline A long enough to go find Dr Gero’s lab and killing him long before the Androids arrive or are even built. Rather, he opts to skip ahead three years to when the fighting starts and then realizes that everything’s all wrong, but this leaves no time to then go kill Dr Gero anymore. The reasoning behind Goku not agreeing to track down Dr Gero three years early is because he feels that’s unfair, but Trunks is coming from a different perspective where he wouldn’t see it nearly the same way. Hey, and speaking of Goku’s reasoning there…

3. Goku’s Morals Make No Sense:

Phew, thankfully Goku didn't go get Dr Gero before he had a chance to blow up a city and stick a hand through Yamcha's stomach. At least now we know we got the right guy.

As I just mentioned, one of the Z Fighters makes a plan to find Dr Gero three years before the Androids attack and stopping him right then and there. Someone points out that they don’t know where Dr Gero is located (even though Bulma is standing right there and does in fact know where Dr Gero’s lab is located), to which someone comes up with the brilliant idea of summoning the dragon and have him locate Dr Gero’s lab. That’s when Goku says, for no good reason, “No, he hasn’t done anything wrong yet.”

First off, Dr Gero only builds the Androids because Goku destroyed the Red Ribbon Army, which Dr Gero was very much a part of (he’s retroactively placed in the role as their chief scientist, but whatever). As a kid, Goku had no qualms about killing each and every enemy that stood in his way, including the Red Ribbon Army’s top leaders. He’s seen firsthand the terror that the Red Ribbon Army caused, so his notion that Dr Gero “hasn’t done anything wrong yet” is outlandish.

Secondly, and as I just pointed out, Goku didn’t used to have a problem killing anything that stood between him and his goal. He’d kill monsters, fry animals that tried to eat him first, and even kicked a grenade back into Mercenary Tao’s face (that’s murder and you know it Goku). Goku spared Vegeta’s life, but that was because he wanted to fight him again. He then spared Frieza’s life because he was making a point and…wanted to fight Frieza again. Deciding to spare Dr Gero is rationalized so flimsily that I’m surprised his friends didn’t mutiny right then and there since they’re always the ones near death. Oh that reminds me…

2. Where Did the Senzu Beans Go?

See that little jar full of beans there? Am I the only one who rememers that? Tell me I'm not crazy!

The biggest and most necessary deux ex machina of the series is unquestionably the mighty senzu bean. Shaped and sized like a lima bean, a single senzu bean has the ability to heal you back to 100% power even when near fatal, including mending broken bones and injuries as severe as holes in your stomach and necks being shattered. They truly are wonderful things, and you’d think the Z Fighters would have a near-endless supply just floating around somewhere.

Well, you would, except they only get just enough for the plot to be full of “tension.” Each time Korin appeared in the series, he’d give out a few more senzu beans but never quite enough to completely heal everyone when the time arrived. He’d mention that he only had a few left and that growing new beans took time, but it was never really clear how low it took to grow more beans. Everything was just sort of left to the imagination there, and we sort of had to deal with it.

That is, until we remembered seeing a jar stuffed with senzu beans in the middle of Dragon Ball. When Yajirobe first makes it to the top of Korin’s Tower, he gorges himself on senzu beans, not realizing that a single one can keep you full for days. Since then he hasn’t shown a real affinity toward them other than just being Korin’s assistant. The real question here is: What happened to the hundreds of beans in the jar? The characters couldn’t have eaten more than maybe 30 throughout both series, so do we just assume that Yajirobe ate all the other ones? Or is Korin growing special beans to account for the new power levels? It doesn’t make any sense with the story, but then again…

1. The Creators Couldn’t Decide What Tone They Wanted For DBZ:

Ah dang it, he looks so happy. Why must you make me feel like a jerk?!

Akira Toriyama is a fantastic character designer. Chrono Trigger is a Game You Should Have Played, as are all of the Dragon Quest games. Dr Slump is hilarious and lighthearted, and Dragon Ball Z remains one of my favorite series ever, purely for the nostalgia factor. But it’s apparent after getting about half way through DBZ that neither he nor anyone else helping with the story knew what sort of tone the series was supposed to have.

For those unaware, “tone” is the overall feeling the story conveys. Dragon Ball was predominantly a comedy and had a very satiric, upbeat tone. Bad guys were typically silly, jokes were intermixed into everything including fights, and plots could be resolved with the most ridiculous things, such as Oolong stepping in and wishing for a pair of panties instead of Pilaf getting control of the world, or the special containment jar meant to hold King Piccolo being a rice cooker. Even the fights themselves seemed more ready to be satire of the usual kung fu dramas that were so ingrained into Japanese culture, what with combatants inventing new moves left and right.

But when transitioning to Z, the tone got changed drastically to that of a serious action show, and for the most part, everything through the end of the Frieza Saga does a good job of balancing the action with the comedy. But then everything just keeps breaking down harder and harder when we’re expected to care about characters dying and getting wished back, villains blowing up cities and planets, and actual serious character development getting so high and mighty that you aren’t sure what you were supposed to be feeling.

Goku and his gang are cartoon characters, completely and utterly, but then half way through their story we’re expected to care about them on a whole new level and have to see them act serious. This would be like seeing Elmer Fudd blow up the forest and then Buggs Bunny has a serious monologue to Daffy about how everything’s changed. No, not gonna fly. So many holes cropped up in the plot thanks entirely to DBZ’s creators shrugging and saying, “I don’t know, this was a comedy, right?” So many things could have been resolved with simple lampshading, but alas, DBZ is stuck as a relic of the past.

There, I think I’m finally done with the problems in DBZ. I seriously can’t think of a single plothole left. But, I bet you can, can’t you? Feel free to leave a comment and tell me about a plothole I missed. Or go ahead and tell me why I’m wrong with these current ten. I mean, it’s not like I’ll actually take it seriously or anything. After all, I was raised on DBZ.

To begin, I am reminded of a quote Willam Dafoe said to us as the Green Goblin in the first feature length Spider-Man movie:

“The one thing they love more than a hero… is to see a hero fail. Fall. Die trying.”

The Last Airbender Award for Epic Fail goes too…

It is true. People love to see a train wreck. Every year, we get at least one of those; a film that releases with such scorn and…sucking, that the media proceeds to make it the laughing stock of the industry. Last year, the absolute worst case scenario happened, as this dishonor befell upon just about the most anticipated movie of my entire life, leading to probably one of the most unhealthy and sole crushing cases of denial anyone could possibly go through. While I had nowhere near as much invested in this year’s flop as I did The Last Airbender, it still hurt.

The Green Lantern

Here was yet another film that despite its flaws, I still managed to be marginally optimistic in my review. Still, cliché story, bland script, choppy editing, some of the cheesiest effects seen in a decade (I mean seriously, just LOOK at that costume), and barely any screen time or action at all from the other Green Lanterns. Not exactly doing justice to the source material.

Even though I didn’t know barely anything about the character at all, I still wanted this to do well. In a perfect world, this could have been to DC what Iron Man was to Marvel three years ago. A moderately successful hit would have been the gateway to Warner Bros. giving the go for other yet-to-be-seen DC heroes getting their own movie deals, like Wonder Woman, the Flash, Captain Marvel, and Oa knows what I would give to see them attempt a Teen Titans movie. Instead, Warner Bros. is, yet again, back to crawling under their comfort zone of relying on the Dark Knight and the Man of Steel to pull their weight.

But enough of this unpleasantly. This is an award ceremony after all, and from this point forward, there is nothing but smiles to be had.

The Karate Kid Award for Diamond in the Ruff goes too…

Just about the complete opposite award that The Green Lantern won, this is for a movie that we weren’t looking forward to in the slightest, as its trailers paint it as being just another uninspired pile of clichés, staring “insert popular actor of the hour here”, but then said movie comes out and, surprisingly, exceeds all our expectations, while reminding us that some things are cliché for a reason: because they’re awesome. Last year, that was a remake of The Karate Kid, with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith, which I couldn’t have cared less for, but after seeing it, I have to admit was an incredible remake, with the kind of young martial arts/acting talent that I wish I could have seen in The Last Airbender. This year, we have this.

Real Steel

You know, that thing that everyone called Rock-em Sock-em Robots the Movie, staring Hugh “Go **** yourself.” Jackman? Yeah, I never expected to have as much fun with that movie as I did. Here is a film where, beat by beat, you pinpoint where every plot point is going a mile away: It’s Rocky and all of its seventeen-thousand clones all over again, just with CGI fighting robots. And yet somehow, Real Steel plays out with enough heart and pure raw emotion that all my preconceived notions on the derivative plot is seismic tossed out the window, and I couldn’t give a damn how cliché it is. Jackman and the rest of the cast pull off their various character troupes without the slightest hint of irony, and come off just as believable and endearing as the characters that invented those tropes in the first place.

As soon as you buy into the premise, the rest of the movie is just a blast. The robots themselves looked great, fought great, and came in a wide variety of designs and colors. Even though they aren’t technically living things, each of them felt like they had distinct personalities. It almost reminded me of some of the classic robot series from my childhood, like Metabots, or Cubix Robots for Everyone. Anyone remember those?

The District 9 Award for Best Use of Aliens goes to…

Some of you may ask why District 9 is the name of the award when that movie came out in 2009 and not 2010. Well, because this award goes to a movie with a unique and original take on aliens, and quite frankly, I can’t remember any one alien movie that struck a cord with me at all in 2010. 2011 however was a different story. We had quite the share of extra terrestrials touch down on earth this year. One of them I thought had some of the most original aliens I’ve seen in years. I’ll give a hint: it’s not The Darkest Hour.

Attack the Block

You know what I love? When they come up with actual unique and random locations in the world for aliens to land in. In this case, they drop down in just about the most Ghetto street corner of all of London, where a ragtag gang of teenage thugs, who would more often than not be the shallow annoying stock bullies in every other movie, get to be our heroes this time. The second thing I love: the aliens themselves. They are these massive gorilla…bear…wolf things with pitch black fur and, for reasons that go absurdly unexplained, their teeth glow a bright neon turquoise color. I seriously want to know how they came up with this design. Other sci-fi writers out there, please take note. This is proof that originality does still exist.

The Scott Pilgrim Award for Biggest Nerdgasm goes to…

Last Year’s Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was one of those generation defining movies where it felt like it was made explicitly and definitively for me and my demographic. What was basically a love note to classic video game culture and the generation that founded it, Chris and I could not stop talking about it. This year, we had yet another big nerd movie that I’ve been sharing with everyone I can.

Paul

What Scott Pilgrim was to classic video games from the 80’s and 90’s, Paul is to classic sci-fi films from the 70’s and 80’s. I was hard pressed not to find a reference at least every ten minutes, and if you’re in the generation just above me (early-mid 30’s) you’ll probably find even more. It doesn’t get much more nerdy than opening with a pair of British nerds living their dream of going to the San Diego Comic Con, followed by a road trip to some of the most famous extra terrestrial sites in the South East America, only to run into an alien voiced by Seth Rogen being chased by Jason Bateman who is working under another famous nerd icon who turns out to be the awesomest celebrity cameo since Bill Murray showed up half way through Zombieland.

The Toy Story 3 Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to…

This award is pretty self-explanatory. It goes to a long running movie series that uses its large time span to allow the universe and characters they created to grow up with its audience. Last year’s Toy Story 3 was a sure fire winner in this category, because while there was an 11-year gap between it and Toy Story 2 in which nothing of significant importance happened, I believe it was meant to be that way. TS2 left a very foreshadowing message about the finite nature of being a toy, though it was a message that wouldn’t be answered in that universe for at least a decade. So in my opinion, it was the perfect choice for Pixar to move on for a while and make numerous other classics like Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, WALL.E, and Up, and then bring us back to Andy’s house at the absolute best time to create one of the greatest and most memorable cappers in recent history. Though this year, it may have met its match.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

After seven movies of buildup, The Deathly Hallows Part 2 pulls out all the stops, bringing ten years worth of magic, and dumping it out on us in one big all encompassing final battle between the forces of good an evil. Hero shots, death scenes, and action set pieces roll across the screen one after another with such passion and finesse. Since Dan, Rupert, and Emma were first offered these rolls when they were nine, ten, and eight years old respectively, they have been in it for the long hall, and they did not disappoint. No one could have guessed that ten years down the line, all three of them would still look and play their parts so perfectly. And I can’t stress it enough, that final 19-years-later epilogue scene that I’ve been dreading since I first read it, I could not have been more happy with how it turned out. The magic behind these movies is monumental, and I will share my memories of the boy who lived for years to come.

And with that, we close up with a quick rundown of this year’s must-own movies. Films that aspire to the qualities and sense of fun and adventure that we a Toy-TMA thrive on.

The Too Much Awesome Top 5

5. Thor

“Remember that lightning storm from The Incredible Hulk in 2008? That was me.”

Finally, a Superhero movie even my own comic-book-phobic mother can love actually exists. (Seriously, she ate it up) 2011 was a great year for comic books in general (Green Lantern not withstanding), but of the many excellent comic book films, Thor in my opinion had the best visual effects and set pieces of them all. There was a great balance between the God-like scenes on Asgard and the mortal scenes on Earth, all the minor characters from both realms were a ton of fun, and Loki particularly set himself up to be a bright, resourceful, and cunning villain to the Marvel universe, and I can’t wait to see what he has in store next. Shakespeare veteran Kenneth Branagh could not have been a more fitting director. And then of course we got The God of Thunder himself, Mr. Hemsworth, whom I’m sure all the ladies are excited to see in all his stone chiseled glory again this year in Disney’s Snow White and the Huntsman, acting opposite of Twilight star, Kirsten Stuart.

Oh yeah, that and some…Iron Man, Cap, Hulk…tie in… thing.

4. Captain America The First Avenger

Evans, the face of comic heroes: Johnny Storm. Casey Jones. Lucas Lee. And now Rogers.

The Star Spangled Man with a Plan. Marvel tells the beginnings of America’s costumed war hero with such heart and drive, that it’s hard not to get behind him. The action is a bit more down to earth than Thor, but Evan’s physical prowess in a costume that actually looks moveable in makes it all the more believable. With another pinpoint accurate villain turn by Hugo Weaving as the Red Scull, a just about mirrored page to screen adaptation of the Howling Commandos, and Tommy Lee Jones making at least one more awesome comic book appearance before pushing his luck with more MIB sequels, this could be the super hero movie that sets the standard for this entire generation.

3. X-Men First Class

This was certainly a great year for Marvel, as the hits kept coming. First Class wasn’t just the best X-Men movie in seven years, it was the best X-Men movie of all time. Rebooting the entire series with younger actors all relatively new to the industry, playing mutants that have yet to appear on the big screen, and then you make them fight a Kevin Bacon Nazi, in yellow spandex, where do I begin? This has got to be one of the gutsiest comic book movies the industry has attempted in a while, and it paid off in just about every single facet. The big wide open, multi-faceted final battle between the X-Men and the Hellfire Club? That’s what EVERY SINGLE final battle in every X-Men movie should look like from now on.

2. The Muppets

While I may be a generation too late to remember the Muppets in their prime, I am still a very passionate thespian, and this musical tale of an old gang of performers coming together to put on one last hurrah was right up my ally. The Muppets themselves prove after all this time, their brand of wholesome family humor and well placed fourth wall jokes has not aged a bit after all these years.

Kermit the Frog: Guys, we can’t kidnap Jack Black. That’s illegal!
Fozzie Bear: What’s more illegal, Kermit: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?
Kermit the Frog: Kidnapping Jack Black!

The musical numbers were great, Jason Segal and Amy Adams were great, even the basic plot, as clichéd and laughable as it may be, was great. Anything that is apparently real enough to piss off the morons at Fox News into thinking that it’s trying to force some far left agenda onto our kids because the “villain” is some greedy Tycoon named “Tex Richman” who wants to tear down the Muppet Studio so he can drill for oil is good enough for me.

1. Paul

I know, I already gave an award to Paul for it’s strides and nudges to the sci-fi nerd community, but even apart from all the references and fan service, it’s just a pretty damn fun comedy, with just about the greatest cast of current comedy stars all year. Pegg and Frost as our lead duo have the best chemistry in the world. Seth Rogen as the title character is the funniest he’s been in years. Jason Bateman as Agent Zoil and the two other agents played by Hader and Trugilo are just as endearing as our heroes, and our heroine played by Kirsten Wiig, who also happened to be the lead in Bridesmaids, another awesome comedy in 2011, steals every scene she’s in.

It’s a shame that much like Scott Pilgrim last year, this movie went pretty unnoticed on the radar and wasn’t exactly the big hit I wish it was. Though, I will admit that everyone I have thus far recommended this movie to has gotten a lot of laughs out of it, so hopefully the appeal will grow over time.

And that’s a wrap folks. Here’s to looking ahead to 2012 and hoping that The Avengers is as awesome as we’re anticipating, the Spider-Man reboot doesn’t suck as much we’re fearing, that Twilight will finish one last train wreck and then be promptly dead, buried, and never seen or spoken of again, and lastly, that The Knights of Badassdom will finally get a freaking release date.

Before I dig in, let me state that the 2009 Sherlock Holmes movie was more or less my first introduction to the character in detail. I mean, everyone knows who Sherlock is even if they haven’t read any of the books. They know him, his main man Watson and that he was a detective that goes on adventures to stop fiendish criminals like Professor Moriarty. So whether or not the Sherlock Holmes portrayed by Robery Downey Jr. is true to the literature, I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t really care, but I say this so you know that I’ll be comparing this Sherlock Homes film to the previous one and not to any of the older movies, shows or books.

What character can't this guy do well?

A true sequel

Sequels are dangerous territory for movies. They rarely live up to the first film in terms of interest and story. Most of the time this is just because the first movie is new. New characters, new settings, new plot…the awe and spectacle are fully intact. By the time you get to a sequel you’ve pretty much fleshed out the character in your head so it’s harder to be surprised. For better or worse, this is the case with Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows that came out last month before Christmas. I was excited to see the film since I really liked the first one but was weary of how the sequel would be handled.

Thankfully original director Guy Ritchie returned for this film, which gives us instant continuity with the first film. You feel right at home when the movie starts with Watson getting married and Sherlock investigating a rash of anarchist bombings in the city. No time is wasted in being introduced to Moriarty either, so the bad guy gets a face almost instantly, which helps set up one of my favorite good guy/bad guy relationships….when they know each other. Sherlock knows who the bad guy is, and Moriarty knows that Holmes is trying to foil him. Neither character has superpowers or anything, so when they meet to exchange theories and trash talk it is a real treat even if it’s what we’ve come to expect. Yet in true Sherlock fashion, prepare yourself for a lot of dialogue from both sides of the coin. Moriarty is pretty much an evil Sherlock.

Sure, he's smart but he's just not as menacing.

In terms of direction, acting and visuals, Game of Shadows doesn’t really impress or surprise you…and maybe that’s okay. You feel comfortable right away even as new characters are introduced. We meet Sherlock’s brother (Stephen Fry) and a gypsy played by Noomi Rapace, otherwise known as the Lisbeth from the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Having only seen her in that movie prior, seeing her with normal hair and clothes was almost confusing. I actually didn’t realize it was her until the credits ran. One character also gets killed off early in the film, which surprised me, so I guess I shouldn’t say the movie wasn’t without its twists and turns.

If you liked the bullet time action from the first film you’re in luck, because they use and abuse it throughout Game of Shadows almost to the point where I was wishing they would just stop. Using that technique to compliment Sherlock’s ability to see the future while he is fighting is one thing, using it to put an exclamation point on every action scene is a tad bit overdoing it. However, the most disappointing part of Game of Shadows is the plot.

Keep digging, Watson

The first Holmes movie had Sherlock investigating “mystic” powers of a madman. It was a lot of fun seeing how Sherlock unlocked the secrets to each crime down to simple science rather than spiritual powers…too bad none of that exists in Game of Shadows. This time Sherlock explores a somewhat generic plan by Moriarty that involves world war and economics. The key word here is “explores” because Sherlock doesn’t really do much to figure things out this time around. There is less mystery for him to investigate so the film ends up being more of a chase movie than highlighting Sherlock’s powers of deduction and knowledge. I’m sure in an effort to offset the lack of Sherlocking, they added a lot more action to this new movie. There are a lot more explosions and a lot more guns to keep everyone in peril, but somehow that feels less interesting than having Holmes coming in to solve a bunch of crimes after they have already happened.

Don’t get me wrong, Game of Shadows is a worthy sequel to the original film and this movie is well made with solid acting. There are few surprises this time around but the pace keeps up and drags you along for the ride. This is a true sequel in every sense of word. It is a better sequel than say Temple of Doom was, but it’s nowhere near being an Aliens-quality sequel either…it’s somewhere in the middle, it’s safe. While the first Sherlock Holmes movie is already in my DVD collection, I don’t foresee Game of Shadows finding a home next to it.

Unless you’re in need of some 19th century adventure, you can probably hold off on seeing Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows until it makes its way to the Redbox for rental. You need to see it to complete the Sherlock Holmes story but you not knowing how it ends right away is worth saving $20 for movie tickets.

Now to start this, we need a big fish to put on the hot seat, and I know just the one.

Disney: Bring Back Animation

Disney, I’m sure you’re having fun with all your Live Action Fairy Tale Remakes, Tron reboots, Pirates sequels, CGI Chihuahuas, and the fact that you get to call the biggest superhero film of the year one of your movies because you now own Marvel, apparently, but for the love of Fantasia stop killing the hearts of all the [now grown up] children that willingly gave you their hearts in the first place so that you could build your empire to what it is now! What hurt the most was how you tricked me into wholeheartedly believing you were finally back on track two years ago with The Princess and the Frog. I loved that film. And then you showed me a teaser for your next project, Repunzel, and it looked awesome. Then out of the blue, it turned into Tangled, a derivative wannabe-Dreamworks-film that wasn’t nearly as good as Dreamworks’ How To Train Your Dragon, releasing earlier that same year. Then you sort of did try to make a comeback last summer, but it was in the form of a Winnie the Pooh revival, which you obviously didn’t intend anyone to see in the first place, seeing as you released it the same freakin’ weekend as the last freakin’ Harry Potter movie, as if you were too freakin’ embarrassed you made it in the first place so you didn’t bother giving it a release date where it could make so much as a splash of publicity.

To get to the point, Disney, return to form, and make us another hand-drawn animated hit already! I don’t care if The Princess and the Frog didn’t make as much money as you wanted it too. The people who saw it and liked it really really liked it, and if you kept up that throwback style in your recent films (i.e. kept Tangled’s original art concept, followed by another animated movie last year that WASN’T an old school revival and DEFINITELY NOT releasing side by side Harry Potter 8) more people would eventually have caught wind of the trend and these movies would be making so much more in the long run. Am I making any sense at all?

Oh, and while you’re at it, don’t force the only Computer Animation studio under your belt who knows what the Hades they’re doing to make sequels of their weakest movies just because they happen to be the most marketable.

Funimation: Bring One Piece Unto the People

You know what I’m sick of? That One Piece, the worldwide greatest and bestselling Anime of the current generation, isn’t even playing on any network, standard or cable, in American Television. Meanwhile you have shows like Naruto and Bleach, which do the exact same thing this show does but not as well (while replacing Pirates with Ninjas or Samurai Grim Reapers respectively), and they have 200+ episodes each fully available for instant stream on Netflix. WTF Funimation? You even have an entire cable network where all you show is Anime you licensed, yet you can’t find anywhere in your busy schedule of rerunning Samurai 7, Claymore, and Shikabane Hime over and over again to give One Piece one decent slot of the week? The only way Americans can watch One Piece legally now is by either scavenging for the very rare very expensive DVD collections, or through your website, which would be fine if you had every single current episode available, but you don’t because you only have a chunk of the beginning of the series, a chunk of the end of the series, with a ton of mid way sections simply not available, not to mention your online video player is of the lowest quality. I want to support this series properly, but I’m stuck having to pirate my anime about pirates from pirate torrents, whom, by the way, also happen to be infinitely better translators than you. [Pranger's Note: Oh snaps! You just been told Funimation!]

Oh, what’s that? You guys finally got the license to dub Season 4? Awesome, now you’ll only be five seasons and 300 episodes behind the Japanese run of the show, congratulations. Of course, none of it will matter unless you make One Piece available stateside to begin with. Here are two simple things you can do: First, spare a single half-hour slot of the week on your TV network for the show, and not some throwaway one either but a good one, like Friday evenings. Second, put at least the first two seasons on Netflix for instant streaming. I want to recommend this show to people and give it more viewers, but I can’t because there is no accessible way to watch this show. Change that Funimation. I’m counting on you.

One more thing. While you guys are busy dubbing Season 4 as we speak (ideally), please please get new refreshing voice talent to play each of the CP9 agents. Seriously, these are some of the strongest and most iconic villains the Strawhat Pirates will ever face, and they deserve justice. I’m sick of hearing the same 20 voice actors you use for side characters being recycled over and over and over again.

Parker and Stone: More Musicals Please

Any of you seen The Book of Mormon yet? Of course you haven’t. It’s been sold out on Broadway every showing since its incarnation, though you may have heard the music and Holy Crap it may very well be the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. I already have a handful of Theatre friends agreeing to all go see the show together when it goes on tour.

The two people responsible for this divine piece of theatrical genius are none other than South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. How’s that for a twist? My hope is that with the success of The Book of Mormon, that they continue in this business a bit longer and make more awesome musicals.

A friend of mine recommended The Book of Scientology as a sequel, and if I wasn’t so fearful of their lives by doing so, I’d second that in a heartbeat. In reality, these guys have probably the biggest imaginations in the world, and if they can come up with another clever idea that wont earn them another hundred thousand death threats, I say go for it.

Sony Pictures: Show Me The Lizard

So far, all the buzz on this summer’s upcoming Spider-Man reboot, The Amazing Spider-Man, has me, more or less, underwhelmed. I know Andrew Garfield is a good actor and was awesome in The Social Network, but I just can’t stand seeing Peter Parker with Edward Cullen’s hair style. It also doesn’t help that every shot we’ve seen him in so far he has the same dark emo look on his face like he constantly has a picture of dead puppies ingrained in his head. It’s not the silly campy kind of angst that we got from Toby Maguire’s performance either; it’s just dull and depressing.

Though after nitpicking it for several months now, I’m willing to withhold any more judgment until I see the final product. After all, this film will finally give us the movie debut of The Lizard, one of Spider-Man’s oldest and most iconic antagonists. I am very curious to see how they pull him off. My hope is that he looks like the lizard from the classic 90’s cartoon that wore the torn up white lab coat, had a seven foot long tail that that could smash stone walls, and where he could speak, but very little, and only to people close enough to him where his humanity is able to temporarily take control.

And unlike the photo above, I want to see a full-blown reptilian head. It’s not suppose to look remotely human.

Beenox: Make The Amazing Spider-Man game Amazing

Spider-Man movies are just about the only instance when I will get excited about movie-tie-in games these days. This is thanks mostly in part to Spider-Man 2 The Movie The Game becoming just about the best Comic Book Superhero Sandbox Game to date. (Before any of you start screaming how much better Batman Arkham City is, yes, I’ll admit it has better combat, story, voice acting, visuals, mission variety, combat again, and just about every other element, but when it comes to free roaming, Spidey’s web swinging still takes the cake.)

Spider-Man games these days are under the supervision of a somewhat newer development team called Beenox, and I just so happen to have played both their two latest Spider-Man games. While I did miss the open world aspect of the previous games, 2010’s Shattered Dimension was a ton of fun. Great level design, simple but intriguing story, awesome voice work, and I was into the combat. 2011’s Edge of Time however, not so much. Rule Number #1 of making Spider-Man games: DO NOT set an entire Spider-Man game in a single building where every room looks exactly the same and is connected with narrow hallways. That was a horrible idea.

The Amazing Spider-Man game, however, looks like a different story. Given the teaser trailer we received during the Award show a few weeks ago, it looks like a return to form, by which I mean open world Manhattan. Beenox already has a pretty decent combat system. All they really need to focus on is creating enough to do in the sandbox and giving us a good variety of villain characters we may not have seen yet. While not a ton of detail about the game has been released, one enemy they have shown are these massive mechanical spider bots, which immediately make me think of the Spider Slayers from the 90’s cartoon, so you’ve got my interest there. Make this one a winner Beenox. Please.

Microsoft/Rare: Make Banjo-Kazooie 3

Okay, by now you all know me. I’m the Sony guy, not a Microsoft guy. I do not own a 360. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want the company to do well. I wish I could say that there are things on the 360 I desperately wish I could play, but honestly, I can’t. I have no desire to try the Kinect, and I am more than content not playing the most recent Halo and Gears of War titles. Besides that, everything else the 360 has of value can also be found on the PS3.

And yet, Microsoft has probably my second favorite game developer under their belt, Rare Software. When they announced a brand new Banjo-Kazooie game back in 2008, that was probably as envious as I have ever gotten of people who own the console. Of course, said game turned out to be Nuts&Bolts, and that envy quickly faded away as I started playing through Little Big Planet. As of now, Microsoft has Rare working on Kinect Sports titles, which honestly I think is a waste of their talent. This is the company that almost single-handedly created the golden age of 3D Platforming two generations ago. Compare that to what they’re doing now and it’s embarrassing.

Yeah, that’s right, I WANT to be jealous of my friends who own 360’s. Rare, you have the power to do that. Go back to the drawing board, write off Nuts&Bolts as a non-cannon spinoff, and make Banjo-Kazooie 3 properly. If not that, than how about a sequel to Conker’s Bad Fur Day? Or even Kameo Elements of Power, you know that 360 launch game that no one remembers except me? I bet if you made a sequel and advertised it well enough, that would help the original sell better.

Nintendo/Retro: Make a Sequel to DK Country Returns

Speaking of Rare, the franchise that introduced me to the company was Donkey Kong Country, a trilogy of some of the best looking 2D platformers on the Super Nintendo. Unfortunately when Rare got bought by Microsoft ten years ago, the Nintendo owned franchise had been long abandoned. Then in 2010, it was picked up by Nintendo’s American company, Retro Studios, who gave us Donkey Kong Country Returns.

While I have my gripes about the plot (namely how the series’ central antagonists, the Kremlings, were completely absent), the game itself was a much welcomed treat. While it was an overall critical success, it wasn’t exactly the big holiday seller Nintendo was hoping for (debuting in 3rd place in Japan and 6th place in America). Despite that, I do hope Retro decides to stay with the franchise a bit longer. If they made a sequel with a much more in-depth plot that brought back the Kremlings and other side characters like Funky Kong, Candy Kong, and other classic animal characters besides just Rambi the Rhino, I’m sure it would do a ton better.

Currently, Retro Studios is working on a secret title for the Wii U that is, quote, “A project everyone wants us to do.” My best guess would be a statement like that most likely means it’s an HD Metroid Game, as it was the Prime Trilogy that made the company famous in the first place, and fans seem to generally like their work on the franchise. My hope, however, is that they really are sticking with DK for a while. Though I could be wrong on both counts.

Nickelodeon: Give Legend of Korra a freaking Release Date

We’re coming up to two years since the first announcement of The Last Airbender: The Legend of Korra. The more I think about it, perhaps Mike and Bryan may have shown this ahead of schedule simply to wipe the bad taste the movie left in our mouths. (Yes, I am done trying to massage the idea that the movie wasn’t as bad as it really turned out to be, okay? Okay. Moving on.) While I definitely appreciate Nick releasing post finale comics while we wait (The Promise Part 1 comes out in February and Part 2 in June), and there was certainly a ton of information given on the series’ characters and plot threads in the last Comic Con, but they failed to give us that one thing we want more than any of that, which is a confirmation date.

Not long ago, there were some troubles with the opening segment of the show being leaked online, which the creators humbly requested to have taken off the fan sites. Normally I’d be on any leaked footage like a pack of rabid rabbitwolves (God knows I was during Book 3), but these days, I have learned to conserve my anticipation and wait for a proper reveal.

More than anything, I would choose being given a solid release date over any new footage during this years Comic Con. You know, because I got premiere parties to plan.

World: Don’t Die

Okay, so this technically doesn’t have anything to do with the entertainment industry, except for the fact that the media has had more than its fair share of fun poking at the 2012-Doomsday-Apocalypse-as-Predicted-by-the-Mayan-Prophecy marketing campaign. For those of you still thick enough to buy into this propaganda, please permit me to quote the following:

“The world is not coming to an end in 2012. The Mayan calendar does not have **** to say about 2012. It does not say the world is going to end. The Mesoamerican Long Count Calendar just sort of stops there. Other calendars from the same period and the same people have nothing of **** to say on the matter. It’s just bad new age numerology combined with a misreading of an old stone tablet.”

Dr. Punchy Wright____Idiotologist

And with that, I give the easiest resolution in my entire list: Planet Earth, do not die. When December 21st comes along this year, under no circumstances are you allowed to just start spontaneously combusting. In addition, for that one day, you are  not allowed to have any encounters with asteroids, alien invasions, or nuclear wars. Don’t act like you have no effect on human behavior. You shape us more than you know.

But you know what, as important as it is for the planet to survive, it will mean absolutely nothing if a certain someone does not. And so for that, I have something even more important, and even easier, than the earth not dying, and that is…

Eiichiro Oda: Same thing

One Piece, the most popular manga in the world, has officially entered its 15th year of serialization, with a current count of 651 chapters. Oda sensei was a year younger than I am right now when he published Chapter one in 1997. That puts him roughly in his late 30’s now, which honestly isn’t that old at all. He could probably keep this up for another 15 years if he wants to, and whatever his further plans are, I wouldn’t stop him and make him go a quicker route even if I could.

The point is we are in an age where there are people passing away in Japan, and their tomb stones have written on them, “I wish I could have seen the ending of One Piece.” That alone is sad in more reasons than I care to count, but if Oda were the one to pass away, before any of us get to see Zoro surpass his rival and master Hawkeye, before Nami completes her map of the world, before Robin discovers the mystery behind the 100 year void in history, before Brook is reunited with Laboon, before Monkey D. Luffy defeats Blackbeard, finds One Piece, returns the straw hat back to Shanks, and finally becomes the King of the Pirates, THAT would indeed be the biggest tragedy to ever befall modern mythology.

I could continue to go on about the plot threads and loose ends I wish for Oda to cover over the next year, but at this point, I trust his judgment 100%. As long as he’s alive, both physically and motivationally, and keeps doing his job, (i.e. continues making One Piece, thus making me and millions of other fans across the globe happy in the process), then I’m happy. By the end of 2011, Oda managed to all but close up the Fishman Island Arc. With Luffy challenging Big Mam, one of the four Pirate Emperors, for the control of the undersea kingdom, it appears the journey across the New World has barely begun. The tide’s only gonna get rougher from here, so stay tuned.

And with that, I give you the 2012 New Years Resolutions that are too much awesome for their own good. Some may be a tall order, while others are practically no brainers, but I have high expectations for all of them, so off you all go. Your clock to reach these goals started… yesterday. Good luck.

Netflix to the rescue

Where would movies be without Netflix? Some movies would be okay, especially if the words “Transformers”, “Pirates” or “Harry” are in the title, but for every one of the blockbusters there are hundreds of stinkers…and for every hundred stinkers there is probably one or two that are just good. Most of these good movies you don’t see in the theaters or even know they exist, but somehow they end up on Netflix and that’s where people like me get to enjoy them.

You might complain about the lack of new movies on Netflix, or at least the speed at which they get new movies…and I agree with you. But you can’t argue the quantity of some genres that you may have never seen otherwise, such as documentaries, anime and foreign films. Netflix is an anime paradise but more so it’s the foreign films that have caught my attention. I’m not scouring Netflix for foreign films but for some reason a lot of the movies recommended to me by friends are foreign, and so far they’ve been spot on. Recent winners from across the oceans include The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series and Let the Right One In, one of the best vampire movies I’ve ever seen. And don’t even get me started with the awesome selection of kung-fu movies out on the Netflix…Ip Man, anyone? But the latest foreign flick really made me smile…

The troll hunter takes his job very seriously.

Trollhunter

Trollhunter was recommended by a co-worker that doesn’t really share the same taste in movies as I do, thus I was somewhat skeptical, but he was also the one that recommended Let the Right One In, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, anything with trolls can’t be too bad, right? I mean, how many movies do you know of that have trolls in them, let alone are all about trolls? I read the summary of the film and it was pimped as a “documentary” which had me expecting a lot of shaky camera movement with little in the way of the spectacle…but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Trollhunter is presented in a documentary style but the crazy camera movements are minimal and are in no danger of making you nauseous. The movie sets up with a group of Norwegian college students investigating some recent “strange” happenings, most of which have been explained as bear attacks, but very quickly we discover that it’s all a government plot in efforts to cover-up the trolls that are terrorizing Norway. I know, it sounds ridiculous but the effort put into this movie just has to be admired and the fun you have watching is really off the chart…assuming you can go into the film accepting the fact the trolls just exist in the world.

I think the wonderful thing about Trollhunter is just that…trolls exist. There’s no real deep explanation as to where they come from or why they’re here, they’re just creatures that roam around the country causing havoc. And that’s where the troll hunter comes up. We’re introduced to this Crocodile Dundee-type guy that is old, rough and has a most manly beard (naturaly). At first we’re not sure what he does or why he’s doing it, but then one night in the woods it all becomes clear…Trrrooooolllllll!

What Blair Witch should have been

The college kids go with the troll hunter on a wild ride as he chases down the several different species of trolls that all call Norway home. Throughout the movie we learn about the trolls and the hunter himself. One great thing about the movie is how they mix in popular troll lore into the story, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone when the troop comes across a troll that lives under a bridge. At one point the troll hunter needs to get a blood sample from one of the trolls and then we learn a bit about how and why trolls react to sunlight the way they do…yes, they even apply some science to this whole thing…and it’s awesome. As the “documentary” continues we learn that the troll hunter is a government employee who’s job it is to rid the country of trolls while the Troll Security Service covers up the evidence and makes excuses for all the commotion (remember the bear attacks?). Between the college students and a troll hunter that is tired and just wants to retire, the group goes on to defy The Man and works to expose the menacing trolls to the public.

The characters in Trollhunter aren’t very deep but they’re fleshed out enough that you care about their situation and their cause. At one point the troll hunter gives us a peek into his life story, which happens to be one of the funniest moments of the film, but even he doesn’t have much depth. Yet one of the things I like most in a movie is when there is an interesting character that clearly has a back story but you’re not sure what it is. Remember when you saw Star Wars and you learned a bit about Darth Vader’s back story? It was incredible and you quickly had an entire story in your head about what really happened (before George Lucas ruined it, at least). Trollhunter has much of the same magic, just without all the robots and Ewoks. Given the independent nature of the film, the special effects are pretty good. It’s all believable as far as trolls go. If you just go with the flow and accept the existence of trolls, there’s nothing in the film that takes you out of the experience, making the entire hour and a half very enjoyable.

There's not a bridge in the world that troll can hide under.

I believe in trolls

For a movie called Trollhunter, this film is a lot better than one might expect. I can honestly say that I wasn’t expecting to see but one troll in this movie and then only at the end. I was pleasantly surprised to find the film is filled with trolls and they’re dealt with in a way that is fun, exciting and believable. And to think, without Netflix I never would have fallen into the wonderful world of trolls. Netflix thought I’d give Trollhunter three stars but it got five from me. I know Netflix isn’t the best when it comes to new movies but it’s hard to argue when you find gems like Trollhunter to put in your queue.

There is one sad thing about Trollhunter, however, and that’s the unfortunate possibility that they’ll try to remake the film in English, just like they did with Dragon Tattoo and Let the Right One In. I’m going to go on the record right now and tell you this is a bad idea. Don’t mess with the magic, man.

Digimon Tamers was the third series of the Digimon life cycle. As a kid, I remember not being as fond of this series because it rebooted the whole continuity that played out in the previous seasons, Adventures and 02. I also felt that since there weren’t as many characters (Tamers starts with only three central characters, whereas Adventures had seven), it took away from the fun. I also didn’t like how we barely got to go into the digital world in this, and when we did, it felt so different from the Adventures version I’d come to be so fond of.

And yet, as an adult, all the things I had a problem with became reasons that I now love it. First of all, I love the idea of how they rebooted the show into a world where Digimon actually exist as a TV show and a card game (not much different from our own world), and how our three soon-to-be heroes start off as avid fans of the cards and video games (not much different from the actual fans watching the series). Then when real Digimon start crossing over into our world by process of synthesizing their data into protein (a process the show calls “bio-emerging”), there is a greater sense of discovery and developing the real world and how real people would actually react toward these events. As for our trio, they are given the chance to be the Digi-destined they once could only dream of, and each of them reacts to this in their own unique way.

So while this show really only begins with three central characters, they still manage to bring a lot of variety and hold up the show very well.

Takato (left) carries the tradition of being this seasons “Goggle Head,” as every leading man from all five current season of Digimon wears the trademark goggles. Yet it’s kind of misleading because personality wise, Takato is a very unique change of pace from the others before and after him. He’s not a natural born leader like Tai from Adventures, he’s not obnoxiously hot-headed like Davis from 02 or Takuya from Frontier (thank god), and no comment on the fifth guy from Data Squad, as I did not watch that. Takato is just a carefree and imaginative young boy who wears goggles because he’s an uber-fan of Tai from the show. He’s the first, and still only kid in the whole series, to custom create his own partner Digimon by drawing a picture of it and processing it through his digivice.

The result of which is Guilmon, who in-and-of-himself is an anomaly. He takes the archetypal anime personality of “Big dumb hungry brute” and actually develops just as much as Takato. Maybe even more than Takato.

Rika (center), or Ruki as she is called in the original Japanese, is our Tom-boy archetype. Only unlike Sora from Adventures who balanced her tough-girl attitude with a caring protective nature that bordered on maternal, Rika is hard to the core. Known throughout Tokyo as the “Digimon Queen,” the runner-up raining champion of the Digimon Card Game in the entire world, Rika represents the kind of fan whose fascination with Digimon has been long clouded by her power-hungry quest to the top and to crush any challenger in her way, and once she got to the top, there was nothing left for her.

When presented her own partner Digimon, she sees it merely as a new challenge to feed her desire for battle and supremacy. She takes it so seriously that she’s just flat out unlikable, especially considering how she’s given basically the most badass partner Digimon in the entire universe, yet proceeds to treat her like dirt. Seriously, Renamon is awesome. She is soft spoken, cold minded, and moves like a ninja (despite being bright yellow), making her a suitable match for Rika, yet it still hurts to see her get shut down just for wanting to protect her Tamer.

FTR, yes, Rika does become a better person over time. But this is a kids show and it still surprised me how cold the writers made her to begin with.

Henry (right) or Li Jianliang, is left being our intellectual, mild-mannered, voice of reason. So basically, he’s the boring character. His one big personality hurdle is that he’s a pacifist that refuses to let his Digimon fight because he once let his partner in a video game get hurt (of course, this show wouldn’t be called Digimon if that didn’t get reprimanded rather quickly). Besides that, Henry acts more as a pivotal plot devise. He’s the tamer that Takato looks to for advice, his father turns out to be one of the original programmers that worked on the Digimon project, and his ethnicity is a cross between Japanese and Chinese, which I guess is meant to be symbolic of the show’s theme regarding tolerance among races. Besides that, there is not a ton interesting to say about him.

Though I will say that his partner Terriermon more than makes up for Henry’s blandness. With Guilmon being too juvenile, and Renamon too soft spoken, it is up to Terriermon to be the witty banter dispenser, and whoever handled the dubbing of his dialogue in America worked wonders. I also can’t help but mention how awesome his evolve form Gargomon is: a giant green trigger-happy bunny with turrets for arms. Serial!

I find it quite interesting how of these three Tamers, there is the one I love, another I love to hate, and another that I could care less for either way. (If you think about it, they’re like the Triforce. Takato is Courage, Rika is Power, and Henry is Wisdom.) Yet at the same time, I can still love all three of their partner Digimon whom, let’s be honest with ourselves, are the real stars of the show. It’s kind of like when I was a really little kid and I could never make up my mind who was my favorite Ninja Turtle (I had a new favorite like every week). I feel the same way about the three main Digimon. They’re all badasses.

But to bring this back to my favorite pairing, I truly feel the real selling point of this series is how endearing the relationship between Takato and Guilmon turns out to be. As stated before, Takato is very different from the hot heads that have worn the goggles before and after him. He takes the responsibility of being Guilmon’s tamer very seriously, and there are many scenes where we actually see him thinking before he acts. While he occasionally lets his excitement cloud his judgment, as any respectful ten-year-old would in that situation, he is quick to admit when he makes a mistake and always promises Guilmon to do better. He’s not even really considered the leader until 20-30 episodes in, and when he is, it’s not like someone ever comes out and says “Takato’s the leader now.” He just slowly and naturally moves into that position over time, despite the fact that Rika has far more fighting experience and Henry is far more knowledgeable.

Guilmon is as pure-hearted as they come. While he comes off as a bit dimwitted, it’s not like a Monkey D. Luffy kind of stupid where he’s just an idiot for the sake of humor. Guilmon is just very young and doesn’t know things (he’s literally born in the first episode). That’s not to say he can’t be taught either. Just listening to Guilmon’s dialogue from episode 2 back to back with what he says in episode 13, I wouldn’t say he’s made a full 180, but it’s at least 90 degrees, and that’s just the first quarter of the series.

I also find the concept hilarious that Guilmon is just about the luckiest Digimon ever. His tamer’s parents run a bakery, so he gets fed every day with day-old bread rolls, and then when we get to the part of the show where the Tamers are backed in a corner and have to tell their parents about their Digimon, and Takato’s Dad is totally cool with it and feeds Guilmon freshly baked bread rolls that are custom made to look like him. That’s right: Guilmon Bread.

Oh wait! There’s a plot I’m suppose to be discussing, isn’t there? So there’s this underground Agency called Hypnos that is tracking rogue Digimon wandering into the real world. They are run by this mysterious looking guy name Yamaki who believes Digimon to be nothing more than meaningless piles of computer data meddling in human affairs, so he has no qualms with eradicating them all together. Of course, Hypnos’ meddling with the network does not sit well for one of the four Deities of the Digital world (renamed “Sovereigns” in the dub) so he dispatches his twelve guardians The Davas, each based on one of the animals in the Chinese Zodiac, to wreak havoc on humanity and claim Digimon as the new master race. Three guesses who gets to clean that mess up.

In addition to a surprisingly touching C Plot involving Tamers‘ local mischief-maker Impmon, we have Calamon (or Culumon), a diminutive carefree nomad-ish Digimon who regularly appears as a magical catalyst to the energy that allows our heroes to digivolve to the next level.

Through the course of the show, roughly five more kids will become tamers alongside our main three. Some of them will be compelling and welcome additions (Henry’s little sister Suzy, and Rika’s one and only superior, Ryo the “Digimon King”), others not so much (Takato’s posse of stooges, Kazu and Kenta).

Digimon battles have digivolved themselves to implement the cards from the Digimon card game as actual modification tools. They can be used by tamers to upgrade their Digimon by increasing their stats (speed, strength, defense), provide weapons and body mods (wings, shields, drill arms for digging), and can even temporarily grant whole new attacks from completely unrelated Digimon. It’s great, because it gets the kids involved in the fight in a very tactical and strategic way, whereas the last two seasons whenever a fight broke out, the Digi-destined basically stood on the sidelines.

There is plenty going on in this show, so much of which went right over my head ten years ago. Yamaki, the Davas, and all the other antagonists are given motives that make sense. They actually believe what they’re doing is right. As a kid, you don’t really care about motives. You just want to watch good Digimon fight bad Digimon, which is basically what the first season was. I appreciated how this story took its time in its earlier portions exploring just the three characters, then slowly sprouted into several avenues that got surprisingly dark. For example, when Digimon die, they don’t just get reborn like they did in the past. Secondly, because Digimon and their tamers are so in tune with their emotions, tamers who loose it can unintentionally cause their partners to turn into exactly what they’re called: monsters.

While this may not be too related, it’s interesting to note that Digimon Tamers first debuted in the U.S. September of 2001, right around the corner of the 9/11 attacks. Some people like to believe that this show shares similar parallels to those current events: a misunderstanding between races, a war against an unknown enemy that can strike quickly and without warning, the value of human lives, and so-on. I honestly find it to be a bit of a stretch, though it is true that Tamers delved into the deeper intricacies of what it meant to be “real,” and whether Digimon, whose body makeup is constructed by computer data rather than cells, are in fact by definition, living creatures.

At its core, Digimon Tamers remains a harmless kids show with fun action, endearing characters, and just enough dark and mature undertones to cater to older audiences. All 51 episodes are currently available on Hulu in the original Japanese format with subtitles. So if you watched the dub when it first aired on Fox Kids like me, it’s neat to get a new take on the series (even if I did think the way they translated it back then wasn’t all that bad). If you’ve never headed off on a digital trip before, there is no better place to start than here.

Robin

I love how this show never ceases to surprise me. While Nami is now 20 years old and appears to have grown up significantly during this time skip, the crew’s historian and second female member, Nico Robin, is now 30, but appears to have gotten younger. Her hair pulled back. The sunglasses. The tropical looking skirt. She looks far more free spirited and at peace with herself than she ever has in the past. And you know what, she deserves it. Robin’s had just about the worst childhood ever, if you could even call it a childhood (granted, all the Straw Hats have had it pretty rough, but she takes the freaking cake as far as tragic back stories go). What this tells me about her is that she no longer wants to be seen as the obvious black sheep of the crew and is ready to be accepted as another one of the cool kids. I know it sounds really weird talking about Robin like that, but that’s what it says to me.

It’s also kind of interesting given that during this time skip, she has encountered the most-wanted criminal in the entire world, who also happens to be her captain’s father. Interesting, because Robin herself has symbolically grown to be the mother figure of the crew. What she has been studying in this time, I really wouldn’t know, but the Revolutionaries did seem very eager to meet her, so obviously they would have some useful information to give her. Only time till tell what exactly.

(The following Straw Hats images are from artwork inspired directly from the manga, as it was difficult to find the right photos from the anime as of yet. Regardless, in the end the result is much the same.)

Franky

Oh boy, here we go. Remember last week when I said Usopp had the most outside change while keeping himself intact. Well, the crew’s shipwright here, he easily has the most change, but by all means he’s not really himself anymore. Sure, Franky has always been the big guy on campus, but at least he was still proportionate enough to comfortably fit in group photos, screenshots, and book covers. Now he might as well be a freaking ship seeing as how much he towers over everyone. I just see this creating several problems as far as fitting him into panels and screens in the future. If it were me, I would have gone with something more slick and streamline like Marvel’s War Machine or DC’s Cyborg. For instance, if Franky’s massive BF-37 arms were attachments that could be compacted and stored in, say, his chest plate and could easily be taken on and off like Tony Stark’s “suit” case from Iron-Man 2, that would be cool.

While I will admit that this kind of over-the-top is totally 100% Franky’s character, it doesn’t change the fact that this makeover is somewhere between over designed to borderline ridiculous. I also miss the hair, as that was a huge part of his character and how it would express his mood and personality depending on what drink was fueling him. That, plus the metal bars on the legs and the stitches down his chest are all just more reminders of how he’s more machine now than human, as suppose to before when he would actually surprise us with what he had in store.

At the end of the day, I’ll still love Franky, and he did design himself to work as an attachment to their ship, The Sunny, so I’ll withhold any more judgement till I see him in action. One can only trust that Odasan knows what he is doing.

Zoro

Roronoa Zoro was technically the first Straw Hat to show up at Sabaody after the time skip. However, due to him doing something that (while remaining unspoiled) proudly places in the DUMBEST MOMENTS OF ONE PIECE HISTORY Hall of Fame (Up there with ‘Luffy ripping off the mast of his own ship to stab a whale with it’), we the viewers didn’t get a good glimpse of him till a bit later.

The master santoryu is fresh from his training with his very rival, Shichibukai Dracule “Hawkeye” Mihawk, and he’s got the scar to prove it. The first thing that scar reminds me of is a very similar scar upon the eye of one “Dark King” Silvers Rayleigh, first mate of the late Pirate King, Gold Roger. (Though the scar is on the opposite eye.) Ironic, seeing as Zoro himself is the first mate of the Straw Hats. The big difference between his and Rayleigh’s scar is that he is [currently] unable to open the eye his scar is placed upon. Perhaps this is a very fresh wound that will keep his eye shut for a while. Maybe he’ll have to wait till he’s Rayleigh’s age before he can open it. That would suck, but he’d tough it out, because he’s Zoro, and as Zoro, he is the show’s top badass and everyone knows it. (I believe I mentioned that before.)

And yes I am also digging the new threads, even though they deceptively make him look eons smarter than he actually is. That, or he just came fresh from the pages of Samurai Champloo (another awesome show).

And now, pirates and nomads alike, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Our hero returns. This calls for a completely random, entirely unnecessary, Monkey-Pirate-Rap-Tie-In introduction.

He’s the leader of the bunch. You know him well.

He’s finally back to kick some tail.

His Gum-Gum Pistol can fire in spurts.

If he punches ya’, its gonna hurt.

He’s bigger, faster, and stronger too.

He is the first member of the Straw Hat Crew.

Huh!

Monkey D. Luffy

Two years of living on an island where the weather changes every single week, and Giant-sized predators hunt for his flesh day and night, not to mention 18 months of limit-crushing supervision by the Dark King Rayleigh himself, has hardened this boy to have a mind and body fit for a king. There are three significant visual updates. First being his red vest replaced for something with sleeves. This I can see being far more versatile given the island’s constant weather changes. The second is the yellow sash tied around his waist. Now I wasn’t quite sure of the meaning behind the sash right away, but after some quick research I discovered that Gol D. Roger wore a very similar sash around his own waist. This, like the first mates sharing similar scars, is another parallel between the Straw Hats and the legacy of the former Pirate King.

Now for the third and most notable visual cue, that being the X-shaped scar across his chest. Clearly, there could be a very thrilling story behind how and when Luffy received that mark during his training. Though I have a different theory. Pay close enough attention and you will notice that all throughout the Post War Arc that followed the War and preceded the Time Skip, not once did they ever show his chest uncovered. The whole time, he was either completely bandaged up or had his vest buttoned up, which is usually pretty uncommon. There is a very likely chance that the scar was actually acquired during the war. There is one moment when Jimbe was attempting to flee the battlefield with Luffy’s unconscious body, and Marine Admiral Akainu, in pursuit, managed to land a single attack that hit both Luffy and his rescuer. A moment where Luffy was literally an inch away from death. By the very hand that murdered his brother.

That may sound a bit dark, but keep in mind it is just speculation. On a lighter note, it is good to remember that X was the mark Luffy chose to be his crew’s symbol of friendship way back in Season 2 when they rescued Alabasta. From this, and just from knowing how Luffy’s mind works, we can assess that he will care less where or how he received that scar, and more be reminded of what the letter X means to him: the bonds and friendships he developed with his crew and why these two years of the most brutal training ever will be well worth it.

I am as new a fan as they come, only having reached my One Year Anniversary of being an official One Piece regular, yet I know twelve years of hard work and dedication when I see it. I thank my lucky stars, (and my good friend Brian Gamel) that I discovered this series late rather than never. I cannot wait to see what new surprises the crew has in store under the hood of their new paint jobs.

And yes. After anticipating it since the end of Water Seven 200 episodes back, it is finally happening.

And thus the series enters its first official time skip.

It took twelve years and 516 episodes, but it finally happened. Toei Animation has animated and aired the entire first half of the world’s most popular manga series of all time. Eiichiro Oda’s One Piece has reached a landmark in ongoing quality continuity, and the animation team at Toei has brought his series to life with flying colors, literally. While the first arc of the New World era is already hitting its climax in the Manga World, the Anime is just beginning, and in the last two weeks we got to see our first [animated] look at the new and improved Straw Hat Pirates, reuniting for the first time after two years of strenuous training. Here’s a look.

Psyche! Just kidding. Actually this is some artwork by zefranium of the Fake Straw Hat Gang, the series’ first official unofficial antagonists into the New World. Yeah, that’s right. Luffy and his crew have become so infamous, that now other pirates are posing as them to scare the locals of Sabaody Archipelago into thinking they’re hot stuff. Though I’m not exactly sure why Brook looks perfectly normal in the image above, but now that I mention him, we might as well start there.

Brook

90 years old and still rocking his brains out…except he doesn’t have anymore brains because he’s a skeleton. “SKULL JOOOOOOOOOKE!!!” (I know. I deserve to be slapped after that. I couldn’t resist.) In all seriousness though, the big change here is obviously crossing from classical music to modern rock, which is what I’ve been waiting to hear come out of Brook’s musical talent since we met him back in Thriller Bark. While those silly heart glasses might take some getting use to for me, I’m generally liking this outfit. Before, he just wore suits, which was kind of already Sanji’s deal. This is more his own thing, and I’m loving it. It makes me wonder if his sword, instead of coming out of a cane, now comes out of his guitar (FTR: I am not fully caught up with the manga yet. If you know, don’t tell me), or maybe his cane will be far more groovy and fancy looking. Though I will say this: now that Brook is a famous rock star, known worldwide as the “Soul King,” fresh off of world tour, he should theoretically be getting more panties than he could ever possibly ask for.

Of course, that won’t stop him from asking Nami and Robin when he sees them again, but it’s a start.

Sanji

While our musician was busy becoming a famous rock star (which I’m sure takes plenty of physical strain. Hell, I could never do it), our ladies man cook here was stuck on a Kingdom of queens running for his li—I mean “manhood,” for two whole years, and what does he have to show for it? A couple recipes and a manly goatee to manly express just how manly he is. Oh yeah, and his hair is parted to the other side of his face, concluding once and for all that he does in fact have a left eye. (There were people who actually thought he didn’t? Seriously?) This is very nit picky, but I just don’t think having the curl on the inside of his eyebrow looks right. That means if you saw both his eyes, both his eyebrows curl to the right and they are not symmetrical. Just a little weird. I’m sure he’s a lot stronger now, but in all honesty Sanji looks like he’s aged seven years instead of two, but hey, smoking will do that too you.

And at least it’s not like Luffy giving up ten years of his lifespan in the war.

Nami

Aesthetically all that’s changed for our Navigator is two things: she’s grown her hair out, and this is the first time I can account for her wearing jeans. Yet little things like those say a lot about how she’s changed on the inside. Before the time skip, too often did she use her young feminine qualities to play the naïve helpless little girl card to deceive people. Now, she has a formal education, and what essentially amounts to an Associates Degree in Abnormal Weather Patterns of the New World. She is far more mature and confident in herself and I can see it. Just look at her. Nami is totally pulling off the tough-girl-at-the-bar-no-one’s-suppose-to-mess-with-but-idiots-always-will…look. Which is pretty much exactly what happens when the Fake Straw Hat Gang cluelessly goads her into joining them.

And like clockwork, one of Nami’s real friends gets the drop on them. Not that she needed rescuing this time, but she gets it anyway, and from just about the most unlikely of sorts.

Usopp

Damn Bro. What has become of our scrawny, cowardly, comic relief marksmen. Not only has he taken a page from Sanji’s makeover with the goatee, he lost like 500 pounds, gained at least 50% muscle, and has a whole new bag of goodies up his arsenal. (Get your head out of the gutter! You know what I’m talking about!) I’m also digging his new outfit, though I am a little curious as to what exactly those earmuffs are suppose to be or if they do anything special. Usopp is probably the one Straw Hat who has changed the most on the outside, yet still makes it feel believable that it’s him, unlike someone else, but I will get to that in due time. I guess you have to be this cool looking if you want to escape an island that is basically a huge ass Venus fly trap, home to millions of other carnivorous plants all on the top of the food chain.

All we need now is a Sogeking Makeover.

Chopper

Let’s be perfectly clear: Straw Hat Doctor Tony Tony Chopper is probably the one character NO ONE wants to change. We want him to stay as cute, fluffy, and adorable as he has always been. And for the most part, he pretty much is. But the hat? That’s new. There was such a touching story and an emotional attachment behind his original top hat. If someday we get to hear stories of their two-year training that would explain this new development during some down time, that would be wonderful. Though one theory of mine is that it IS the original hat, just modified to act as additional comfort or for storage space for medical supplies. After all, it is the same color on the inside and has the same insignia. I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking too much about it.

And with that, I believe I am reaching my limit as far as rambling goes. When we return, we will finish our review with the four remaining Straw Hat Pirates. The historian, the shipwright, the swordsman, and the captain all next week. Until then stay tuned, and catch the latest episode of One Piece at
http://onepieceofficial.com/
or  
http://www.hulu.com/

It doesn’t matter whether or not you’ve seen all 516 episodes before. Ep. 517 onward is a fresh start. A new beginning. You’ll catch on.

The decade that started it all

Growing up the 1980s, mine was one of the first generations to have near unlimited options when it came to franchise toys, games and cartoons. That decade lays claim to some of the most iconic toy franchises in history, including Transformers, GI Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and, of course, He-Man and his little sister, She-Ra. Being surrounded by so many choices, all you could do as a kid was pick the one that had the coolest toys and the best cartoon, and that formula didn’t prove fruitful for He-Man. However, Masters of the Universe deserves some credit from a historical stand point.

He-Man and Skeletor in their prime.

Thank you, He-Man

We all owe the He-Man a lot when it comes to toys and cartoons. Masters of the Universe was one of the first cartoons that was produced pretty much for the sole purpose of selling toys to children. Some parental organizations took exception and called foul but we all know how that debate ended. Surprisingly enough, the reason many cartoons from that era had have the now famous PSAs was as a compromise with those groups. In the end, however, without the He-Man cartoon we wouldn’t have been blessed with the likes of Transformers or GI Joe or any of the countless other cartoons from that time…and without the cartoons there would be no toys.

See this kid. That's not me. It's Screech showing off his He-Man love.

Why He-Man failed as an action figure

I was not a fan of He-Man as a kid and that’s because neither the toys, nor the cartoon, were that appealing. I surrounded myself with GI Joes and Transfomers while my best friend next door had a toy chest full of He-Man stuff. I had a few He-Man figures that I received as gifts but they never got much play time because they just weren’t that cool. More often than not, my He-Man figures were portrayed as the evil giants in GI Joe land, partially due to their formidable size in comparison, but also due to their fantasy theme. I’m sorry but in a cage match between giant robots and a barbarian, the robots win hands down. And let’s say that if He-Man managed to survive a chair shot from Optimus Prime, Duke and the rest of the GI Joes would have swooped in and cleaned up the pieces left behind.

But He-Man did corner the market on well-sculpted mustaches.

Lets look at some of the obvious reasons why He-Man was a less than impressive action figure. First off, He-Man doesn’t have many joints and thus couldn’t really be put in many poses. Prince Adam and his buddies could only move their arms in one direction and only at the shoulder. They also didn’t have any knees to speak off, and they could only twist at the waist. So if you wanted Skeletor to kneel or even sit at the table like a good evil lord, he couldn’t do it. He-Man figures just weren’t as versatile as say, GI Joe figures, nor were they as well sculpted. With such limited movement, your own adventures in Eternia were stuck being wrestling matches. Of course, wrestling matches made sense because the figures were pretty big, so it was hard to have them play well with other action figures.

The zoo that was Masters of the Universe

Masters of the Universe also featured some of the weirdest characters that looked as good as they also confused. It seems that unless you were He-Man or Man-At-Arms, you were some crazy, hideous mutant with bizarre powers that weren’t really useful, even in fantasy land. For example, Mekaneck, whose awesome superpower was…a long neck. Yeah, that’s who I want in a fight, giraffe man. And who can forget Mantenna? His ability to make his eyes bug out most certainly struck fear into the hearts of men all around the universe. Even though He-Man’s cronies were ridiculous and unfun, several of them do deserve credit playing with our senses in ways that other figures did not. Figures like Moss Man and Stinkor not only gave our fingers something new to touch, but they also attacked our sense of smell…and Stinkor was a character that really earned his name, PU!

Man-E-Faces was one of the better figures but still big and inflexible.

Masters of the Universe did have some interesting vehicles, albeit few, but they were also quite ugly and otherwise unusable. Especially when you look at what GI Joe offered in terms of accessories and playsets, He-Man just doesn’t stand a chance. The Transformers had little in the way of accessories and vehicles…but wait…oh yeah, they were the accessories and vehicles! You could probably argue that Prince Adam “transformed” into He-Man, but to make that happen you had to buy both figures, so when it comes to bang for your buck, Transformers are the clear winner.

Important does not always mean better

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was incredibly popular and important for millions of children around the world. The series deserves the utmost respect for ushering in the era of toy-shilling cartoons that is still chugging along today. However, just because you’re the first to do something doesn’t mean you’re the best, and when it came to the action figures and toys, He-Man just couldn’t keep up. I want to thank He-Man for everything he did for us, but  when I go into battle, I’ll be teaming up with Transformers and GI Joe.

So without further ado, let’s raise anchor and begin today with the man who started it all.

Pirate King Gol D. Roger: Rupert

Okay, I swear to god that this is the very last time I ever cast someone who isn’t really an actor. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. But before you all send me to the gallows, the least you can do is let me explain myself. So Gold Roger is the man who changed the tide of the entire world by jump-starting the great era of pirates, right? The same way that the debut of Survivor in the year 2000 changed television forever. Everyone knows now that reality shows are just over dramatized game shows, but back then it was something really new and compelling, and of the 200+ odd contestants that have competed on that show to date, arguably the most popular contestant of all is this man; Rupert Boneham. Not only was he originally on the Pirated themed season of Survivor, I can rest easy knowing that he’d be able to wear Roger’s completely over-the-top ‘stache and rockstar hair without making me laugh to tears. No, I doubt he has any real acting experience, but from what I’ve seen from him in the three seasons he has competed on Survivor, he has a very powerful presence and his energy in a challenge is addictive. I could totally hear his voice speaking Roger’s powerful quotes of freedom and following your dreams.

Besides, if what people have been teasing me about for years now is true, and Survivor really is staged and completely fake, then yeah I suppose Rupert is a damn good actor.

Red Hair Shanks: David Thewlis

The man our hero idolizes and whom gave him his trademark straw hat. For him I have chosen David Thewlis. While not exactly a household name, kids everywhere might recognize this man as Harry Potter’s Professor Remus Lupin, AKA Moony. Ironically enough, in those movies, not only did Thewlis have a very similar hairstyle to Shanks, but he also had an almost identical three-cut scar across his face, so I know he’ll look the part perfectly fine. Shanks is a challenge to get right acting-wise, because while he does give off an aura of someone ages older and wiser than he is, he still has a very young-spirited nature about him. Yet it’s more genuinely young-spirited and not so much goofy or farcical. It’s complicated, but I would love to see Thewlis pull it off.

Coby: Sekai Murashige

Marine Cadet in-training, our hero’s rival, and the show’s quintessential underdog. I’ve always thought that Masi Oka fifteen years ago would have been a perfect fit for the part of Coby, so in retrospect, I’ll do just that; Hiro Nakamura fifteen years younger, and the boy who played him in said flashbacks was this young man, Sekai Murashige. For the record, this kid does not have a ton of film credits besides his small part in Heroes, but whatever, he’s still just a kid. They got to start somewhere.

Iron Club Alvida: Helena Bonham Carter

A female pirate captain who is introduced to us as the [strictly self proclaimed] fairest woman of all the seas, and then returns to us as the [legitimately debatable] fairest woman of all the seas after eating the Smooth Smooth Devil Fruit. As our very first Antagonist, you need open with one hell of a performance, so I’m going to play it safe and go with… that one actress. Oh, don’t tell me you don’t know who that one actress is. You know, that one actress who plays all the crazy roles. You know, like Bellatrix in Harry Potter, and the so-weird-she’s-hot girl in EVERY SINGLE TIM BURTON MOVIE EVER. Yeah, her. I have complete faith in Ms. Carter’s abilities. The only problem is that Helena is probably the only actress in the entire world that could look at a role where she gets to play a pirate captain in a fat suit and fight with a giant mace, and go, “eh… not wacky enough for me.”

Buggy The Clown: Willem Dafoe

Captain of the Buggy Pirates (cough original cough), a bitter former associate of Shanks, and wielder of the powers of the Chop Chop Fruit. Much like my choice for Alvida, here was another instance of me playing it safe. ‘Pick one of the scariest looking actors of the modern movie making age to play the clown? Woo hoo, way to break the mold.’ Yeah, and you know what? I don’t care. It’s not like I can pick Heath Ledger anymore. And Mark Hamill is too busy doing voice work in every single animated series worth mentioning. So yeah, it’s all yours Dafoe. Go nuts.

Dracule Hawkeye Mihawk: Johnny Depp

The first of the Shichibukai (Seven Warlords of the Sea) to grace us with their presence, a long time rival of Shanks, not to mention the most powerful swordsman in the entire world. If One Piece ever were to get off the ground and make it big in Hollywood, it is an immediate given that everyone in America will be going, “Who’s Johnny Depp going to play? Who’s the next Jack Sparrow?” and so on, and so forth. It’s inescapable, so if he’s got to play someone, then I am going to give him Hawkeye. We all know that Depp is known for playing the off-kilter comedic leading man in many of his roles, and Hawkeye could not be further from the typical Johnny Depp role. He’s cold, subtle, and soft spoken. With that being said, it would be a nice change of pace to see Depp play a strait up badass. He’s past due for a role like that, especially when we know he’s more that capable of pulling it off.

Captain Smoker: Hugh Jackman

The Marines’ “White Hunter,” a man possessing the power of the Plum Plum Fruit who is hell bent on capturing Straw Hat Luffy and bringing him to custody. To be honest, I really fought this choice for a long time. It’s nothing against Hugh Jackman, I think he’s awesome. I’m just so afraid of this looking like a huge-ass stereotype, (yeah even more than my choice of Dafoe as Buggy). Like ‘of course I would cast Wolverine as the loose cannon hunter who chain smokes cigars and has a scene where he rides a motorcycle.’ I tried so hard to find someone I felt would fit the part better, and I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t. What also sold me was the fact that Hollywood has thus far done a bang up job at finding this guy other characters to play than Wolverine, so I guess I have, too. You’re welcome.

Petty Officer Tashigi: Ellen Wong

Because I haven't seen her kick enough ass yet.

Captain Smoker’s strongest subordinate, who’s made it her duty to hunt down and defeat Luffy’s first mate, pirate hunter Zoro. There was no way I was going to end this list without casting at least one actor/actress from the most underrated and awesome movie of my generation, and now, I think I’ve found a great match. Ellen Wong is best known for her movie debut as Knives Chau in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and that is all she needs to win my certificate of approval. Tashigi would be great for her, because like Knives, it is a character that is a total badass while also occasionally being a bit of a klutz. I’ll admit she looks a little young for the part, but not really enough to disqualify her. Plus, it’s an excuse for her to get back in the blue highlights.

And with that, we go to our final character.

Revolutionary Dragon: Alan Rickman

Notoriety of Dragon's stature demands brilliance.

The most wanted criminal in the entire world. A man cloaked in mystery, and unbelievable power. Here is a character that is very seldom seen, yet promises to play a huge impact on events yet to come. So, to play this dark, ominous man of mystery, I have chosen the king of dark, ominous, mysterious men, Alan Rickman. This may be my fourth casting choice from someone in Harry Potter (Felton from my Straw Hat cast was first), but Rickman is someone who has made a name for himself long before he ever stepped into the cloak of Severus Snape. And just the idea of seeing Dragon’s one big scene from Season One, hearing Rickman’s voice coming out a hooded figure who’s face is hidden in the shadows, only to be revealed with the crack of lightning, which he himself probably created. Perfect Alan Rickman Role.

And that there is nine reoccurring cast members for the supporting cast of One Piece Season One.

Oh yes, that’s right. Thought I almost forgot again didn’t cha? Well after plenty of time and effort, I think I finally found it: the perfect person to play Monkey D. Luffy. There’s not doubt about it, this guy is the epitome of purity and the child like bliss that Luffy represents. An actor of indomitable spirit and a paragon of energy and stupidity.

Hey, if I’m dumb enough to cast a Survivor contestant as Roger, than I’m dumb enough to be Luffy, okay?

And now I’m hungry. “Sanji! Food!”

P.S. This was my very first attempt at cosplay. There’s still some pieces missing, like a smaller vest and the yellow buttons. I’m working on it.

Oh wait! Something I did almost forget.

Are you ready to get between two unstoppable forces? Then let's go!

Death Note, like many anime series, is originally based off of a manga of the same name. The two follow each other fairly closely according to what I’ve been told, but we’re only talking about the anime today. My introduction to Death Note came through my good friend Other Chris, last mentioned as the culprit who tricked me into watching the first episode of GTO. This was the first anime he tried to sell me on as he had a fan-subbed original Japanese dub version of the 37 episode series. He was certain that by the end of the first minor plot arc, only two episodes, that I’d be hooked. He, as usual, was right.

The story follows around Light Yagami, a super student of a Japanese school as he goes around dishing out justice. Does this sound like every other anime? Well hold on, I’ve over-simplified everything. In the first episode he finds a notebook on the ground that says “Death Note” across the front, and upon opening it he reads a number of rules, learning that the notebook has the power to kill anyone who’s name is written in it. Pretty simple.

He's like every girl's dream guy. How can this kid be so twisted?

Everything gets tricky when Light tries it out during a hostage situation he sees on TV. Thinking it’s bogus (as most people would), he writes down the hostage-taker’s name in the notebook and waits for something to happen. Roughly 40 seconds later, the situation is over as the criminal dies suddenly of a heart attack. After a few more experiments, Light begins to systematically kill off criminals as he sees fit.

As he goes about his business, he meets Ryuk, a Shinigami (Death God). Ryuk is the actual owner of the Death Note and explains to Light that Shinigamis live very boring lives, so he dropped his Death Note in hopes that a human would do something interesting, which is happening with Light trying to rid the world of all the evils he perceives and then placing himself as the god of this new world. He absolutely believes this plan will work. And don’t forget, he’s still in high school.

This is Ryuk. Remember, he's NOT the crazy one.

While Light does his business, the “good” guy shows up in the form of L, a super detective who’s now made it his goal to track down “Kira” (the name people have given to whoever is killing criminals off). It all sounds very basic, but in execution it gets insanely complicated with variations of the rules from the Death Note and L and Light constantly trying to stay one step ahead of each other.

The way I sold the series on my wife was to say that it was very much like Dexter, the Showtime series about a serial killer who only kills who he decides are bad people. The moral ambiguity is very similar here in Death Note as it gives a pretty deep question for anyone to follow: “If you had the power to kill anyone, would you do it?” And more specifically, “Can you root for a murderer if he’s killing criminals?” It’s a topic that leads to some interesting discussions with friends, and thankfully in Death Note there are two sides well worth fighting for.

And can you resist L's charms? No, you cannot.

On the one hand you have Light, very proper and thought-out in his executions (literally) as he dives deeper and deeper into this twisted little reality of his, joined by the nightmarish Ryuk who just laughs along and downs apples like they’re candy. The longer we stay with Light, the more we learn about the Death Note and the closer he becomes to his goal of a “perfect” world where he judges all.

However on the other side is L, an extremely clever and quirky character who instantly becomes most Death Note fans’ favorite. He’s just strange. Whenever he’s sitting in a chair, he’s actually crouched on the balls of his feet. When he holds a cell phone he does so from the top rather than the bottom, the same when he’s holding a piece of paper. And he loves sweets.

No, you can't help it, you're smitten by this, too.

These two go back and forth with one-upping each other, so whenever we’ve been following along and think that, for instance, L has screwed up, we discover that Light only planned for a screw up and not one step ahead where L is waiting to move a bit closer to discovering Kira’s identity. And you never know quite who to cheer on throughout the whole ordeal. You want Light to succeed and get out of every trap, but you also want L to see justice through to the end.

All of this gets heightened with a soundtrack that sets the tone perfectly with lots of Latin chanting and sick guitar riffs. L’s theme, in particular, is one of the greatest things ever to come out of Japan. Whenever L has done something extremely clever and starts piecing things together, his theme will begin playing to the inevitable monologue/montage detailing the events and how they’re playing out favorably to his plan.

For reference, here is L’s theme:

L’s theme has a special significance to me as Other Chris had been learning how to play it on guitar while I was trying again and again to get this one girl to finally go out with me. After a long night and concocting an elaborate plan, I decided to throw it all into motion and ask her out one last time. Finally, she took the bait. Things spiraled quickly from there into a real date where I knew, I had her. As soon as I told Other Chris, he rushed out of the room, grabbed his guitar, and proceeded to play L’s theme as I told him the details of my scheme.

Oh, and I married that girl about a year after that.

Death Note has become a series that I can recommend to anyone, which isn’t true about Dragonball Z whatsoever. I was just disappointed that my sister decided to get addicted to it a year after I had already gone through it with Other Chris. Thankfully though Netflix has all 37 episodes up on Instant Play, and best of all, they’re the Japanese dubs with English subtitles, the way it was meant to be watched. I promise, Death Note does not disappoint, even if you find yourself dumbfounded about half way through the series. Give it a try and let me know what you think. Do it, I command you! I am justice!

Anime brings an especially huge challenge as, plain and simple, its source material comes from a country that’s culture is vastly unique from our own. Too often anime adaptations in the states tend to have a trouble grasping that culture in a way that feels genuine, which leads to Americanizing the core of the story in question. This then leads to abominations like Godzilla (1998) and Dragonball Evolution. The anime I have chosen for today however is a little different. Unlike anime shows like DBZ, Naruto, Samurai 7, and Samurai Champloo, all of which are grounded pretty deep in Japanese history, folklore, mythology, etc., this series culture is all over the place. One island we’re searching for a doctor in Alaskan-esque Tundra. The next, we’re roaming the desserts to save an Arabian/Eqyptian-esque Kingdom. After that, it’s treasure hunting in Aztecian-esque ruins in an island in the sky. The main characters themselves are a multi cultural band of misfits from all walks of life.

I am of course once again talking about my latest obsession, One Piece, the anime of 510 episodes and counting. Given the series’ vast popularity in Japan and just about everywhere else that’s not America, I would not be surprised if Toei or some other Japanese film company makes the movie themselves upon the series’ completion in another decade or so. But since I lack both that kind of patience and the optimism to believe that it would ever receive an international release, I am going to pretend I live in an alternate universe where Hollywood would make this movie anyway. So without further ado, let’s set sail on a journey to cast our heroes.

Monkey D. Luffy

Did I mention he's gonna be King of the Pirates?

To start with our leading man, we have someone who seemingly should be very simple, because he has “Hollywood Average Joe in his Prime” written all over his face. 17 years old, average height, healthy weight, dark hair, perfect skin, with just a tiny scar under one of his eyes to give the idea that he’s slightly flawed but not really. Aesthetically, he looks so ambiguous that he could even be pulled off by either an Asian or Caucasian actor almost evenly. Yet as relatable and opportunistic as his looks are, it actually make it more challenging.

Finding some random guy who looks like Luffy, or simply making someone look like Luffy, is easy. Yet finding someone who can take on his grotesque amount of energy and spirit is far more crucial in capturing his character. I’d want however plays him to be extremely optimistic, even hyperactive (similar to how they mention Dan Radcliff behaved on the set of Harry Potter). So while I may have about a dozen young male actors that crop up in my mind, I would like to give this one a little more thought. In the mean time, lets have a look my choices for the rest of Luffy’s crew.

Rain as Roronoa Zoro

Luffy’s first mate: former bounty hunter and a master santoryu (three sword style). Ideally, I would like all the first five Straw Hats to start off as young kid actors (roughly early teens) to give them room to grow up throughout the series. However, most of the actors I will choose here are just for a one-shot movie separate from the main storyline, so they stand more as guidelines to how I picture the characters all grown up. So while Rain’s age is 28 when Zoro is only 19, he would eventually be that age half way through the movie series. This is also coupled with the fact that Zoro always looks at least 5 years older than he actually is.

I’ll admit that of all my choices, this was the hardest to settle on. I would prefer Zoro to be Japanese — even though he has a slightly tanner complexion that would suggest South Korean (Rain’s ethnicity) — namely because all his attacks are said in Japanese and are Japanese names for animals and spirits. Unfortunately I’m on a time crunch and all the Japanese actors I am knowledgeable of are either way too old or I have lined up for other characters. I have chosen Rain strictly for performance reasons. Rain’s most recent performance was as the lead in Ninja Assassin, a film I have not seen, but the general consensus from everyone I talk to has been “pretty much crap in the story, writing, and acting department, but the action is pretty effing sweet.” This is perfectly fine because, no offense, of all nine Straw Hats, Zoro is easily the one character you have to worry about acting the least. There was one single scene in the entire 500+ episode run where he actually broke down and cried, and that’s it. Every tender moment onward is handled completely straight-faced. Next to Luffy, he is the second most-loved character in the entire series strictly for his badass motif alone, and if there is one thing we know Rain can pull off, it’s being a badass. All he needs is a bandana and plenty of green hair die, and our Mr. Bushido is ready.

Jena Malone as Nami

A master thief and the ship’s Navigator. Like Luffy, Nami is a bit of a wild card when it comes to ethnicity. I almost want to say she’s Australian, but a long-time One Piece fan swears to me that she’s Swedish. Anyway, after seeing Sucker Punch earlier this year, I couldn’t help but watch the girl who played Rocket, Jena Malone, as she just kind of struck a cord with me. She’s really good at playing the vulnerable-little-girl card then turning on a dime and being a serious hard case, which you definitely need for Nami. I can most certainly see her being assertive and bossy, not to mention quite selfish. Plus, it’s just hard to deny that she looks the part really well. Okay, so no real women will ever have breasts like that, but let’s be realistic here.

Noah Gray-Cabey as Usopp

Usopp: a man of pride, whose knack for tall tales is matched only by his skills as an ace marksman. And lookie here, I was able to find at least one kid who would be the appropriate age of said character in a few years. Some of you might recognize Noah as Micah, the machine-talking young son of Nikki and DL Saunders back when Heroes didn’t suck. This is a casting choice I’ve had my eye on for some time. The guy seems like a fine young performer, yet I haven’t seen him in a whole lot since he was written out of the Heroes story. It would be quite interesting to see him tackle a character as spontaneous and compounded as Usopp, though it is also kinda funny how both Micah and Usopp have alternate aliases (Micah going by the codename Rebel in the Fugitives arc, and Usopp in disguise as Sogeking during the Enies Lobby arc). Anyway, whether young Mr. Gray-Cabey is destined to be the King of Snipers is a huge toss up, though it would be fun.

Tom Felton as Sanji

Cook. Ladies man. High Kicking Martial Artist. Sanji is a little bit of everything, and as for my top-of-my-head choice to play him, I’m going with Draco Malfoy himself, Tom Felton. Now, similar to my choice for Zoro, not exactly ideal. I would much rather prefer Sanji to be French instead of British, unfortunately I don’t know any young French actors off the top of my head. And yet, not similar to Zoro, Felton is a very good actor, and as such, he may be able to pull off a fairly good French accent. In fact Zoro and Sanji themselves are meant to be rivals within the crew, and having Felton being a prestigious actor contrast with Rain just being a prestigious fighter would make an interesting parallel.

With that being said, probably the biggest challenge for Felton would be the physical aspect. He may have been a wizard for ten years, but now he would have to make us believe he is the third strongest member of the crew (even stronger than Chopper or Franky, whom we will get to). He’s already in good shape, it’s just a matter of putting his feet through the ringer and/or getting a good stunt double. Still, you gotta admit that it would be nice to see this guy play a character that is actually likable, funny, and not a complete asshole.

Tony Tony Chopper as Himself

The walking talking blue-nosed man-reindeer and the ships’ doctor. Now I’ve thought about this over and over again, and as cool as it would be to see someone make real life costumes for Chopper with authentic animatronics, I just don’t see it being feasible with all of his different transformations. For me, the best route would be to use CGI over motion capture artists. While filming his scenes, use a little person to mo-cap Chopper in his main form (it doesn’t have to be Verne Troyer. I’m sure there are plenty of other little people actors out there who would do just as good a job) and another really big guy to mo-cap chopper in his bigger forms like the Heavy Point (right) Jumping Point, and Arm Point. I would recommend whoever mo-caped Hulk in the 2008 film. As for Chopper’s actual reindeer forms, it’s up to the CGI artists to study movement of actual reindeer in the wild and map them to the character.

What this all means is that for Chopper’s voice work, we can hire Brina Palencia to reprise her role as Chopper from the anime. Say what you want about the quality of English dubs, Brina Palencia is really good. Chopper’s voice in the Funimation Dub became one of my favorite English voices in the whole show.

I know Chopper. You’re still upset, but don’t worry, your mo-cap artists will get all the Cotton Candy you want. Oh, and the hat will most definitely still be real.

Morena Baccarin as Nico Robin

A mysterious woman in search of the truth behind the hundred-year void in history. Robin is a character who starts off as the black sheep of the crew: she was a former adversary of theirs with an enormous bounty on her head that she received as a child, she invited herself on the crew without being asked, and she didn’t even refer to her fellow crewmates by name, calling them codenames such as Captain, Mr. Swordsman, Miss Navigator, and so on. Long story short, stuff happens and she finally warms up to her new found friends, and even grows to be a maternal figure of the crew. Anyway, I chose Morena Baccarin because SHUT UP! She’s freaking Inara from Firefly. You don’t ask questions. She looks the part, she’s talented as hell, and if you try to tell me you don’t want to see her in that outfit with THAT top, and the power to grow her limbs on any surface with Tom Felton’s character constantly gawking over her, stop lying to yourself.

Ron Perlman as Franky

The soft-hearted cyborg and the crew’s shipwright. I believe I already covered this one in last weeks article, and yes, I still wholeheartedly stand by my choice. Ron Perlman HAS to be Franky. It’s to the point where I can literally hear Ron Perlman’s voice speaking Franky’s lines, and he even sounds perfect. Keep in mind, this is the guy who played Hellboy, so he already has experience playing big bulky tough talking man-childs. Plus he also has experience working with huge prosthetic hands, so Franky’s massive bionic arms will feel right at home for him. This is easily my favorite pick, and it just makes me upset that this movie is never going to happen. And yet, before I lose all motivation, we still got one more crew member.

Robert Guillaume as Brook

A living skeleton with an afro and the ability to play any musical instrument, who also happens to be the final member of the Straw Hat Pirates. Initially, because he is a skeleton with nothing but bones (picture above is Brook before decay), he will obviously be heavily CGIed much like Chopper. Therefore, it would be reasonable that, like Chopper, I would recommend motion capture with voice work from the Funimation Dub. I would recommend that, except that Funimation has failed to get their act together enough to translate that far in the series. Therefore, before people start screaming for Danny Elfman (the singing voice of Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas), I’m going to take a risk with this choice. Robert Guillaume is currently 83 years old and has been a stage performer for the past 50 years. Brook is 88, so the age is very close. While Guillaume has professionalized in plays and musicals the majority of this career, some life long Disney fans might recognize him as the voice of the mandrill Rafiki from The Lion King. While I don’t expect Guillaume to really pull off any of the action or stunts for Brook, I do have faith in his talent as an actor and singer to capture Brook’s gut-wrenchingly funny yet senile personality.

And that’s the end off… oh right! Almost forgot. I still need to come up with someone to play Luffy. Hmmm… well… how about… oh hey, you’re all probably still wondering about the supporting characters. You’d like to know who I’d cast for Shanks, Hawkeye, Buggy, Coby, Princess Vivi, and all them. Well, let’s hoist anchor for now, and next week we will return with some of my choices for the One Piece Supporting Cast.

So where exactly am I going with this, you may ask? Well if Hollywood is due to keep making more live action adaptations of books, graphic novels, cartoon shows, or [heaven forbid] video games, I’ll be the first to say I’m all for it, but only under the grounds that Hollywood starts being good at it. The element I will be focusing on is, quite ironically, the most non-technical element in making a movie: its casting.

Why is that important?

To begin, perhaps I should answer the simple question of “why?” Why should casting be as crucial as I’m about to make it seem? Surely there are a ton more relevant people involved in making a movie good, you know like an appropriate director, professional writer, cinematographer, effects artists, stunt choreographers, etc, etc. A good cast won’t help a movie suck any less if its crew, its foundation, is a mess to begin with, so why should it be given such precedence? Well, because it’s the first and most effective way to sell the movie to its audience. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I know how the movie industry works or how casting directors go about their business, but as an audience member, I’ve seen the results of good and bad casting, and more often than not it has been our first huge hint at just how committed the creators will be to a movie’s source material. I mean, how can we expect the creators to not butcher anything else about a story such as its plot, mythology, etcetera, if they can’t even get the main characters right? On the flip side, I’m sure we can all name at least one live action adaptation of a comic or cartoon where the casting was more perfect than we could possibly imagine.

So, without further ado, here are the guidelines I have created for casting a live action movie of, well just about anything. And I hope my editor will not mind if I cliff note a few of the steps he laid out in one of his early reviews. [Pranger's Note: I do not mind, it just means you've been paying attention!]

Step 1: Find actors that look like the characters from the show.

True story about Sin City: Before Robert Rodriguez even got his cast, he sent the actors he wanted footage of the opening credits that featured their names beside pictures strait from graphic novel of their respective characters. That was all they needed. A good chunk of them immediately jumped on board.

I’ve seen Adaptations with actors who don’t resemble the original incarnation of the character they are playing at all, yet they do their best to bring out their own version of the character. I’ve also seen actors who look like they literally jumped off the page/tv screen of wherever their character came from. As an audience member, unless the director was named Christopher Nolan, the later is almost ALWAYS the more appealing rout. It’s not even that hard of a rule to follow. Watch the show, pay close attention to the character’s height, weight, age and ethnicity, then go find an actor/actress that has the corresponding traits. Here, I’ll do one right now.

What we have here is probably one of the easiest One Piece characters (if not anime characters in general) to cast. He is so stereotypically American that there is no way anyone can complain about him being cast by a famous white guy. But which famous white guy? Well lets see: Mid-late 30’s, yet with the demeanor of someone barely out of their 20’s, really tall, the build of a gorilla, massive chin, shades. Yup, only one man for the job:

Now if only finding the perfect fit was always that easy. Unfortunately, it won’t be. Animated series of late, especially anime, display human characters that are far more diverse in race, culture, and style. Casting directors NEED to put honest effort in respecting each of these elements when they make their choices. If Hollywood continues to pull more white-washing crap like they’ve done with Prince of Persia, The Last Airbender, Dragonball Evolution, or… the freaking Smurfs for that matter, then they’re just asking to be shot in the face.

Step 2: Make actors look exactly like the characters from the show.

Once you have the actors you need, now’s the time for the fashion department to get busy. Have your costume designers and your hair/makeup artists study the source material like crazy. Their first and [ideally] final draft of the actor’s wardrobe should look like an exact replica of the outfits from the show. You can pull the ‘but-costumes-in-2D-animation-don’t-translate-well-on-3D-bodies’ excuse all you want, I don’t give a mouse’s donkey. If Captain America’s mask looking a little silly is the price we have to pay for authentic live action costumes, than I’ll gladly pay it. Why? Because the alternative is… well… this.

And this goes far beyond the wardrobe. Fans are very keen at picking up scars, tattoos, and other body additions. Heck, even eye color can be a crucial element in defining a character. Forget the slightest thing, and someone will undoubtedly call it out. Don’t tamper with things either, like they did with Aang’s arrows or Zuko’s scar. Character defining marks like those were made for the soul purpose of looking abnormal. Trying to work around them to make them seem realistic is completely missing the point.

Step 3: Don’t be afraid of kids.

Oh come on! You guys look more in character off screen than you do on screen. What gives?

Did you know that the part of Robin in Joel Schumacher’s Batman Forever back in 1995 was originally written to be played by a young teenager? Yeah, I was surprised myself, but in hindsight, I think that would have worked much better than Chris O’Donnell. Fast Forward to just last year, for anyone who went to see Percy Jackson and the Olympian’s: The Lightning Thief, unless you were already familiar with the books, would you guess that Percy and his friends were suppose to be twelve years old? I didn’t, but since someone pointed it out to me, it became all too obvious that something felt off.

Movie developers! STOP aging your characters simply because you don’t want the challenge of working with kids that have little-to-no acting experience. It just shows you are being safe and not willing to take risks. The Harry Potter movies would never have worked out if they played that card. Sure, Dan, Rupert, and Emma’s acting in the first two movies weren’t all that great. But we forgive them because, by the third movie, they got a lot better! Not only that, we got to watch them in the process of improving their performance. It was a wonderful thing to witness.

Also, has anyone not seen Super 8 yet? I mention it because if there is one thing that movie does, it proves once and for all that good kid actors do in fact exist. In this very generation. They are out there, you just have to look hard enough.

Step 4: Exceptions Do Exist.

This is the trickiest part of all because I’m about to retract a lot of what I just said. First of all, yes, it is perfectly okay for a few minor characters in a series that are originally suppose to be white, like Nick Fury or Heimdall, to be contrived for ethnic minorities, but it is completely unacceptable for main characters who are of color to be cast by white actors. It is a Double Standard that I will unabashedly stand by. Reasons behind my stance would be far too convoluted and wordy for me to rail about right here and now, but for those of you who desperately need an explanation right this instant, I’d advise you to watch this.

Racial issue aside, I can totally get behind some liberties that allow actors to portray new sides our favorite characters. Alan Rickman didn’t look exactly how Snape was pictured in the books, with the crocked nose, slick hair, and wicked looking mustache, but he did so well with what he was given that we were convinced nonetheless. Heath Ledger’s Joker was such a far departure from the pinstriped gang leader with a sexy poltergeist secretary that we grew up with on the animated series. He took some serious risks and ended up winning a posthumous Oscar for it.

One thing to consider is that the number of liberties a live action movie would be able to get away with may also depend on how often we have previously seen said comic/ TV series adapted properly in the past. In 2001 if you told me an upcoming African TV star was in the running for the role of Peter Parker in the first official Spider-man movie, no way would I be prepared for that. But it’s 2011 now, and I’ve already seen three (soon to be four) Spider-man movies where the lead looked (more or less) exactly as I pictured our hero from the comics and the animated series. At this point, I would be more than welcoming the idea of Community star Donald Glover playing a new rebooted Spider-man. Unfortunately, Sony Pictures wasn’t ready to take that risk, but guess who was? Marvel Comics themselves. Only a few months after all this controversy, Marvel announced that their new upcoming Ultimate Spider-man project: following the death of Peter Parker, a whole new wall-crawler will take the reins, who is in fact a half-black, half-hispanic teenager. If only Deadpool were here to make an obnoxiously witty jab about how ironic that situation is.

To finish off, let us let good ol’ Barakapool leave a valuable message to all of us: exceptions exist, but tread cautiously. Very very cautiously.

And there, as briefly as I possibly could, is my two cents on how casting for Live Action Adaptations of comics, cartoons and other mediums should be done in Hollywood. Of course the most obvious backlash I could receive from these statements is… “Well if it’s so easy, why don’t you do it?” And you know what? That’s a very good question.

Stay tuned, and I just might give that some thought.

After seeing the movie myself, my final verdict is more or less exactly what one should expect from such hype: disappointingly average.

The movie stars Daniel Craig as Jake Lonergan, a gun-slinging outlaw with amnesia, and Harrison Ford as Colonel Dolarhyde, an iron-fisted overseer with schizophrenia (seriously, he might as well be with how often his personality changes). The main premise of the movie begins with Lonergan waking up in the middle of the desert with a metallic bracelet stuck to his wrist. When he enters the town of Absolution, only to discover he is a wanted man, Dolarhyde demands custody of him. This, however, is cut short when the aliens promised from the title come and start doing alien stuff. (You know, shining lights of doom, destroying livestock, abducting people. The usual.) They only stop when Lonergan’s metallic bracelet activates at the sight of threats to its wearer and fires repulsive beams of destruction that in no way look like the repulsor ray blasts on Iron Man’s suit from another one of Mr. Favreau’s movies.

What follows is Lonergan and Dolarhyde leading a group of town misfits to hunt down the aliens and save their abducted loved ones. Said misfits include Olivia Wilde as the hot stalker girl with her own secret, Clancy Brown as a preacher, Sam Rockwell as a doctor, Adam Beach as an adopted Indian so he can play the obvious plot device of translator, and Noah Ringer as some random kid who happens to be the grandson of the sheriff, because I guess all westerns have one of those, and they might as well get the kid who they thought would be the next big childhood star before his franchise crashed into the great wall of Ba-Sing-Se in one of the biggest train wrecks of recent note (thanks M. Night).

This is probably one of the more difficult movies I’ve had to review. In the past when I’ve had to review movies that clearly have problems (The Last Airbender and Green Lantern are two good examples), I’ve been able to put on a positive swing and point out things I still enjoyed despite their flaws. With Cowboys and Aliens however, there aren’t any real technical flaws with the movie. The cast is great, acting’s great, setting is great, effects are great (especially the aliens themselves), and the story overall is interesting enough to keep my attention. There’s nothing I can say that’s really wrong with the movie, it’s just missing one crucial ingredient:

Fun.

For the record, I am a huge fan of the Iron Man movies. Both of them, and no amount of people complaining that the final boss fights in those movies were anticlimactic is going to sway me. Favreau approached that franchise in a very unique fashion (for Marvel that is) that focused on the characters rather than the action. Cowboys and Aliens, is very similar in that regard: it is a character piece aimed to pay homage to classic western tropes with a sprinkle of sci-fi action as a spice of originality. Unfortunately the one thing the Iron Man movies have that this doesn’t is a fun script (Wait, scratch that. Half of Stark’s dialogue in Iron Man was improvised, because RDJ is an effing genius). That’s not to say the writing in this movie is terrible, or even bad, it’s just not fun. The entire main cast is full of western stock characters that never evolve past their tropes. I wait forever for someone to say something clever, witty, unexpected, sarcastic, or anything that would break the conventions of their characters, and it never happens. Everyone, save for maybe Ford, plays their parts completely strait, and everything that happens to them is all too predictable.   

You’d think with a premise as crazy and out there as “Cowboys and Aliens” that they’d have more fun with it. Kind of a shame really, because the more I think about it, the cast themselves probably did have a lot of fun in the making of this movie. To be fair, there was a fair bit of physical humor that was pretty well timed. I genuinely liked Rockwell as the Doc. Ringer, while still pretty raw as far as acting goes, is “better” here than he was as Aang last year (though that may just be due to a competent director this time). When we actually find out about what it is the aliens are after, while it is a bit hoaky, some will definitely get a kick out of it as it loosely references another, unbearably notorious sci-fi film back in the day.

Besides that, very middle of the road. Not bad, but nothing spectacular either. Can’t say whether or not it follows the source material, as I’ve never read it. How much you get out of it is going to depend on your own personal taste. If you have been aching to see something  to capture that classic western tone of yesteryear, than you might be in luck. If you are looking for something a little more crazy that will make the most of the western/sci-fi blend, than the best option I can give you is to start watching Firefly IMMEDIATELY if you haven’t already.

That, or the opening sequence of Toy Story 3. That was awesome too.

Though there was a trailer. And it’s… well, see for yourself.

For the record, I’m not really into the name of this series officially being The Last Airbender: Legend of Korra. Not only does it sound too wordy and awkward, it doesn’t make sense seeing as the Avatar, at this point of time, is no longer “The Last Airbender.” If this still has something to do with Nickelodeon loosing the rights to the title “Avatar” to Jimmy Boy and his precious alien Thunder Cats, or even if it’s simply for the sake of not confusing people with said movie, than it’s come to a point when copyright laws need to STOP BEING A FREAKING LOAD! Seriously, this is almost as embarrassing as Little Kuriboh getting banned from YouTube three times for making non-profit fan parodies, just stop it. It’s not welcoming to a creative environment. [Pranger's Note: I would suggest looking to such brand recognition names as "The Legend of Zelda" or "Final Fantasy" for easy reasons as to why it's still called "The Last Airbender."]

Besides that small detail, I couldn’t be more ecstatic. For having no dialogue to speak of, this trailer does everything it needs to, i.e. remind us all how Avatar’s animation, cinematography, art (character and backgrounds), fight choreography, and music far surpass any other animated series of this current generation, and how a whole new setting that resembles a 1920’s Jazz age version of Shanghai with industrial revolution colors is going to fit into the Avatar world just fine. More than fine really, it looks phenomenal.

In addition to the trailer, we were given a huge dose of information regarding Legend of Korra’s cast, including Aang and Katara’s family tree, and some of Korra’s top allies in Republic City. Here is what I’ve gathered.

Naga (and other animals)

In Avatar: The Last Airbender, the Fire Nation displayed they were able to reach their industrial revolution long before the other nations. Fast-forward 70 years later and that revolution has come full circle and is now in full force across Republic City. And yet, I was very pleased to see that Avatar Korra was still seen attached to her animal guide while everyone else is driving around in vehicles.

Our Appa for this series comes in the form of Naga, a rare creature known as a Polar Bear Dog, and boy does she look awesome (I want one). As far as other animals go, it is true that both Sky Bison and Flying Lemurs will return somewhere in the show, (with slight artistic upgrades as well). One more revealed newcomer is Pabu a small mammal called a Fire Ferret, a combination of a Red Panda and a Black Footed Ferret.

Mako and Bolin

What we have here is one lucky fan’s autographed poster from SDCC (I want one!) and with it we reveal the two members of Korra’s Krew: A tall handsome Firebender with a scarf, fingerless gloves, and Ryan Seacrest / Nathan Drake hair named Mako (named after the late voice actor of Uncle Iroh in season’s One and Two), and a stout, heavy Earthbender named Bolin (who kinda looks like a teenage Iroh). Now, that was just my guess what their names were at my first glace at the image, given the names we had confirmed in the cast several months ago, but as more information came in, while I did learn that my guess was 100% correct, there was another bit of information that I wouldn’t have guessed in a hundred years.

These guys are brothers. This makes them the first group of siblings in the series that bend separate elements. [Pranger's Note: I am now stunned silent!]  This also means that one of their parents had to originate from the Fire Nation while the other originated from the Earth Kingdom (Yay for interracial families). Personality-wise, Mako is said to have sort of a brooding Zuko-esque vibe to him, while his brother Bolin will be more of a goof (correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure Bolin is the guy with the one and only line at the very end of the trailer). While my instincts tell me I’m going to lean toward Bolin because I dig Earthbenders and he just seems more fun to me, I’m genuinely liking both these guys so far.

Oman The Equalist

The man in the mask at the top of the above poster is named Oman, and he will be serving as the series’ main villain. Clearly he is against the idea of harmony between nations, and even more against bending. At his command is a legion of masked henchmen who have mastered the art of chi blocking, a technique previously seen used by Ty Lee in the original series. While that’s pretty much all that we have on the villains, the concept of a foot clan comprised of Ty Lee’s is already enough to creep me out. The new Team Avatar’s got their work cut out for them.

Metalbending Cops

These guys are the legacy of one of my personal biggest loves of Avatar. Toph Bei Fong scoured the earth teaching an elite group of Earthbenders to develop her unique ability to bend metal (it is still not a very common skill, yet there are a few who can do it now). They are currently lead by Toph’s daughter (whose name could not be heard over the roaring crowd, nor was she given a father) and comprise the local law enforcement of Republic City. They each come armed with a metal cable that they can retract from their backpacks. Given Korra’s brash attitude and knack for running into trouble, don’t be surprised if she has them breathing down her neck as well. 

Aang’s Descendants

Early concept of Tenzin's family.

Now for the information that everyone wants: Aang and Katara did go on to have three kids, all of which were born Airbenders. The youngest of these being Tenzin, now married with three kids of his own. (Seen above.) Tenzin is crucial to Korra’s spiritual journey, as well as mastering her fourth element. While he tries very hard to pull off the Zen Monk/inner peace role of his people, he has to balance that with being a family man, as said family will be frequently involved in his life. Tenzin’s wife Pemma is supposedly a blonde in her final concept (making her the first blonde-haired character on the show). Their first daughter, Jinora, is a reserved bookworm type, while Ikki, the second daughter, is a big talker. Their youngest and only son, Milo (a character leaked very early on but with little information until now), is just a crazy hyperactive boy. All in all, some family, and I say that with no shroud of sarcasm.

Still, despite all I’ve said here, it’s only just scratching the surface. In all honesty, the staff behind Avatar could have simply shown me the trailer and maybe a third of the concept photos that they did and I would have been more than happy. As it stands, I almost feel spoiled. Yet, to be fair, they still left plenty of room for questions. We have yet to hear any of the real dialogue or get a taste of the writing. Oman looks to be a very mysterious villain and I am very intrigued to hear what his story is. We know Toph has a daughter yet no husband’s revealed yet. Not only that, there are two whole other families we have yet to touch on at all: Zuko/Mai and Sokka/Suki. 

Unfortunately, no premiere date yet either. Regardless, it’s very hard to be upset when everything they did show us is looking and sounding pretty damn good. There’s still a lot of work to be done, but we can now rest easy that Mike, Bryan, and the team behind them are working to create a tremendously worthy addition to the Avatar Franchise. So stay tuned as The Last Airbender: Legend of Korra, comes to Nickelodeon in 2012. [Pranger's Note: Premiere party at Gus'!]

Oh boy, yes I'm ready to believe in America again.

Captain America: The First Avenger is set during World War II and stars Chris Evans as Steve Rogers. This is all information you know pretty well. Chris Evans, previously seen as Lucas Lee in Scott Pilgrim and as the Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies, had a lot to live up to. Captain America is a larger-than-life character who has to be strong but not look like he’s on steroids, smart but not overly brainy, good looking but not vapid, and the ideal American without being preachy. Somehow, perhaps through some miracle, Chris Evans managed to balance all of these aspects perfectly throughout the film.

The coolest part is the early half of the film where Steve Rogers is a scrawny little guy with a heart of gold. The effects used here to make Chris Evans, freshly ripped I might add, look like a skinny little dweeb. Somehow this doesn’t come off looking cheesy at all. I was fully convinced that I was looking at a pre-Captain America Steve Rogers in these parts rather than Chris Evans’ head floating on a body double, which wasn’t the case at all (the special effects used were way too complicated for me to understand but it involved manually shrinking him shot by shot).

If he looked like this the entire movie, I'd still have loved it.

As the story goes, following the original origin story very closely, Steve Rogers is a kid who wants to enlist so bad he’s even willing to lie about himself to get accepted. After getting rejected a number of times, he’s finally selected for a special Super Solider program by Dr. Erskine, played fantastically by Stanley Tucci. Dr. Erskine becomes Steve’s mentor and encourages him whereas Colonel Chester Phillips, played by Tommy Lee Jones, doesn’t see how Steve will amount to anything. In probably one of the most succinct moments that encompasses all that is Steve Rogers, Dr. Erskine asks Steve is he wants to kill Nazis, to which Steve says, “I don’t want to kill anybody. I just don’t like bullies; I don’t care where they’re from.” That’s a hero we can all get behind.

Also encouraging Steve to succeed is Peggy Carter, played by a very strong Hayley Atwell. Carter’s character is great here as “The Female” for the movie, but she doesn’t feel stereotypical. She’s attractive but capable and not afraid to get her ass in gear and fight the good fight. There were a few moments here where you weren’t sure if maybe she should have been given the Super Solider Serum and changed into Captain America instead. Ooh the possibilities.

Come to think of it, I don't think we've had a female version of Captain America yet. Get on it Marvel!

On the other side of the war is Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull, a perfect fit for Weaving as the narrow-minded dictator role seems to work well for him in every aspect. His voice and presence works exactly as it’s intended, allowing him to be evil without becoming a caricature. This is helped along by the weasely Dr. Zola, portrayed by Toby Jones. Pairing the two up is great as it shows just how strong and respected the Red Skull is with Zola constantly following orders despite an undertone of reluctance. Cutting away from Steve’s training to see Zola and the Red Skull plotting with the Cosmic Cube doesn’t feel districting or annoying at all. Even better, we aren’t bogged down with extra exposition every time something appears that has already been explained in a previous Avengers lead-up movie. We don’t have to stop and take any extra time to point out that, “Hey, Howard Stark is Tony Stark’s father! You remember Iron Man, right?!” Trusting the audience like this is rare and definitely refreshing.

Once Steve transforms properly into “OMG Chris Evans can rock me to sleep all he wants,” the cast gets rounded out with more important characters such as Sebastian Stan as Bucky Barnes, Dominic Cooper as Howard Stark, and Neal McDonough as Dum Dum Dugan, a personal favorite of mine, (who can say no to that hat and ‘stache?).

This is a movie for comic book fans, and obviously fans of Captain America and Marvel lore in general. Fan service is on high alert with nods to the source material like letting Cap wearing the iconic outfit during his early months as a USO entertainer, a nod that actually functions both as a way to appease fans but also as a means to show just how silly the old outfit really looks. Cap’s updated uniform is awesome here, and it’s great that it’s another superhero outfit where the hero has full range of motion for action sequences (seriously, why do actors even try with Batman anymore?).

That actually looks comfortable enough to just wear around for the heck of it.

When it comes to action, Captain America does not disappoint. Sure, it is very much a character-driven movie with strong leads and good emotional impact, but when the film breaks down near the middle to allow for an action montage where Cap and his elite team mess up the Red Skull’s many bases, you can’t help but want to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care.

I ended up seeing Captain America in 3D, though this wasn’t by my own wishes. In order to see the movie in time to review it for Toy-TMA, I needed to see it this weekend, and there were only two theaters near my house that were showing it, one that I had some giftcards for and one that I didn’t. Sadly, the one I had giftcards for was only showing it in 3D, a practice that infuriates me to no end and feels extremely sleazy, but for all my complaining, seeing Captain America in 3D doesn’t ruin a thing. I can’t go so far as to say that the 3D will improve the film, but it does let you feel more immersed in the large landscapes shots. If you happen to have a giftcard to see it for free in 3D, sure, go for it.

Finally, I shouldn’t have to remind you but if you stay till the end of the credits you will see a little PS that gets you excited. And then things just break all pretenses and a trailer for The Avengers plays. Yup, trailer after the movie. And you’ll want to see The Avengers even harder than you currently want to see it.

Captain America: The First Avenger is an awesome movie. It dances the line between campy “America is great” films and gritty “war is hell” films expertly, giving us a film that just feels right. It’s fun, it’s dramatic, it may even get you to cheer or tear up a few times. The more Steve proves he’s just a good guy through and through, the harder it is to keep from getting misty-eyed. Go see this immediately if you haven’t already. I mean, you’ve got nothing better to do until next summer anyway.

Mission accomplished boys.

Still, will that stop me from sharing my experience with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 anyway? Like bloody hell no. This is my very last chance to ever review a Harry Potter movie, and by Hufflepuff I’m going to do it justice.

When last we left off, our heroes succeeded in destroying the third of Voldemort’s seven evil macguffins. They also have the master sword to destroy the others. While they lost a friend in the process, (poor Dobby)…or two (poor Mad Eye)… or three (HEDWIG!!!) getting themselves temporarily caught and suppressed in Malfoy Manner turns out to be their good fortune. In her paranoia, Madame Lestrange lets slip a clue as to where they can find macguffin number four. Thus their adventure continues, and our movie begins.

Much like its first half, the second half of Deathly Hallows is very faithful to the plot of J.K. Rowling’s original manuscript. In less than two and a half hours, we cover all the bases from chapters 24 through 36, plus the epilogue. (Yes, they actually bothered to put that stupid 19-years-later scene that everyone hated when they read it. We’ll get to that.)

I believe it’s worth mentioning that the crew behind these moves (the writer, director, producer, etc.) handled the division between The Deathly Hallows‘ two parts very professionally. Both movies combine to create a crisp five-hour-spectacle, while at the same time having more than enough merits to each stand alone as their own movie. In Part One, the plot was very secluded, focusing strictly on our three leads. There was a far greater inner conflict as the three of them had no idea were the hell to even start looking, running around like a group of possum chickens with their heads cut off, until they eventually turned on each other. In Part Two, the tables have turned. The trio has finally got their act together and are fully united. They know exactly where they need to go and what to do. The plot grows far more encompassing as minor characters steadily trickle in and get their moment to shine, and EVERYTHING comes to a head in an all-encompassing battle at Hogwarts that will decide the fates of Harry, Voldemort, The Deatheaters, The Order, Dumbledore’s Army, and the entire world, Wizards and Muggles alike.

One thing each and every one of these movies has had to struggle with since the very beginning is finding a balance between the slower moving character minutia sections of the story with the fast pace, intense action sequences, and now, with the eighth movie, the balance has come as close to perfect as it was ever going to get. Not once can I pinpoint a moment where I felt the story started to lag. The biggest factor in this movie’s excellent pacing can be attested to how well the supporting cast was weaved into story. We are introduced to one final new castmember, Ciaran Hinds, a more than worthy addition in the role of Aberforth Dumbledore, brother of the late Albus Dumbledore, and from there, it’s all about the characters who have been with us since the very beginning. Matthew Lewis takes his role as Neville Longbottom to its epic snake-slaying conclusion. You can literally read the adrenaline on Maggie Smith’s face as she takes the stage as Professor McGonagall for her last time, and it is wonderful. Tom Felton’s Draco Malfoy has been excellent these last two movies, and this is no exception (if only his character’s development started sooner). After dreading the loss of Richard Harris for so long, I have officially warmed up to Michael Gambon as Albus Dumbledore [though dead, appearing in flashbacks and… other methods. It’s a world of magic, work with me). Basically, he does the role justice in his final moments.

Then there’s of course Severus Snape. Arguably the franchise's most complex and intriguing character finally gets the closure and absolution he rightfully deserves. The segment detailing his final testament is outstandingly timed, and it’s all the more improved by the fact that Alan Rickman is a god among actors.     

While it may sound like I’m poking fun at these movies, try to understand that this is my own way of coping with the fact that a movie franchise that has been in the making throughout my own coming-of-age years has officially come to an end. I have already [in my Part 1 review] commented heavily on my own personal attachment to the franchise, sharing in the same generation as the films’ three leads and how inspiring that has been for me, but what good is all the inspiration and growth if we didn’t have fun getting there? Therefore, here’s my own brief list of some of the funniest moments in Harry Potter:

• Ron: “UP!” WHACK! Broomstick in the face. Classic.
• Harry: “DIAGNLY!” Floo Travel Fail!
• Dumbledore: “At the sound of the cannon-”BOOM! Timing on that one was priceless.
• McGonagall: “Professor Moody! What are you doing?” Madeye: “…Teaching.” McGonagall: “Is tha—is that a student!!?” Madeye: “Technically it’s a ferret.”
• Luna. Just Luna, and EVERY SCENE SHE’S IN. Evanna Lynch, you are the Toph Bei-Fong of this franchise (a female character who shows up mid way through a story and completely steals the show with her unmatched awesome cuteness). I love you.
• Dobby: “Dobby didn’t mean to kill you. Only to maim, or seriously injure.”

I could do this all day, but I guess it’s only for the best if I come back and talk a little bit about that epilogue that I mentioned earlier. [‘not so’ SPOILER ALERT] Yes, none of us really liked it all that much when we first read it, but the way it’s handled in the movie, it’s short, and actually a very touching caper for the whole series. It’s done with the main cast all reprising their roles with subtle facial hair, makeup, and wardrobe updates to give the impression that they’re [19 years] older. No, they don’t really look like they’re in their mid thirties, but it doesn’t matter because we’re gonna buy it anyway (or at the very least forgive it) because the only other option would be to get completely different adult actors, which would have completely killed the mood of the final moments. 

To wrap this up, everyone is going to have their own opinion on this movie regardless. For what it’s worth, I enjoyed Deathly Hallows Part 2 from start to finish, and absolutely no amount of fanboy whining that there was never a scene in the book where Harry and Voldemort leapt off a cliff together is going to change my mind. It was a great finale and I had fun with it. Best of luck and best of wishes to everyone who invested their lives into creating this phenomenon. I will miss you all.

Don’t forget we still have other movies this year:

-A Long Time Coming: A Review of X-Men: First Class 

-Great Odin’s Raven! A Movie Review of Thor

-Sucker Punch This Review…Of Sucker Punch

I have to say that in the last year, I have probably watched more anime than I have my entire life. Since I graduated last summer, I finished Samurai 7 (Awesome), Vandred (Annoying main character, but good story), Shikabane Hime (pretty good), Claymore (REALLY good), Girls Bravo (Dumb, but cute), all current 505 episodes of One Piece (In my Top 3), as well as large chunks of Dragon Ball Z Kai, Love Hina, and I just watched the first 18 episodes of Naruto. Even so, I know I have barely scratched the surface. While there is much that I have come to love about the style Japanese culture brings to its animation, I have also started to notice many reoccurring traps anime series fall into far too frequently. That is why I am now going to dedicate this Authentically Awesome Anime article to five elements of anime that are prone to turn people off from the medium.

5. Sprite Moments

This scene only happened once. That's what made it hillarious.

For those who need a clearer understanding, a Sprite Moment is when a character on screen has a stylized expression that is depicted through a sharp, extremely cartoony reaction: something like an enlarged head during a shout fest, or stress marks, or when a character punches another character and they immediately get a large bump or bruise, or in the case of Nami from One Piece, she flips out with whited-out eyes and large scary pointy teeth. For many children shows, this is a very popular tactic to get a humorous reaction, and I’d be lying if I said I never laughed at it. The problem I have with it is when script writers overuse it and let it become their one and only source of comedy in place of genuinely funny dialogue and clever situations. One Piece is extremely guilty of this. Even Fullmetal Alchemist does this, which is even more jarring as the show takes itself far more seriously, so their occasional sprites feel far too out of place.

Of course he's not trying to kill her. She's just PMSing for her 12th time today.

4. Flashbacks (of previous episodes)

These two have to fight. But I can't show it, because the show's too busy reminding us that they met once.

Since I made a few drastic judgments about Naruto in my first Avatar article a year back without having actually watched the show, I understandably received some animosity from genuine fans of the anime. As such, I have taken it upon myself to finally give that show a legitimate chance. I have currently finished the first plot arc of the series, and not going to lie, it’s pacing is so slow I feel like I’m watching the whole story on bullet time. One of the biggest problems with its pacing comes from constantly having to hold our hand through the plot, reminding us of what we just witnessed not five episodes ago. One Piece does this too, but when they do it, usually there is a much bigger gap in the events when they flash back (like when they replay the Straw-hats meeting Laboon 200 episodes later in the Thriller Bark Arc. That’s understandable).

Avatar showed an almost perfect solution to this problem: At the beginning of each episode, show a montage of any previous episodes that will hold significance for this current chapter. That way you don’t have to flash back to them mid scene.

3. Generic cute animal side characters

This poor guy is gonna be milked for all he's worth.

I want to make this very clear. I am NOT talking about Tony Tony Chopper from One Piece, Bota from Gurren Lagann, or any of the Digidestind’s partner Digimon. All those are pivotal to the show’s plot and are actual characters. I’m talking about other anime where the plot never calls for that kind of critter, yet the creators shoehorn some cute fluffy blob in there anyway with no purpose but to be cute and sell plushes. Momo from Avatar was really close to being one of these, but the writers were smart enough to give him an actual personality and use him to broaden their horizons as far as dialogue and humor went. The little…white…whale…thing that Tomo had in Girls Bravo is more what I’m thinking about. It’s so bland and forgettable that I can’t even remember its name. Had I never watched Dragon Ball, I’d say Oolong and Puar’s existence in DBZ is completely pointless as well. In the case of the fourth season of Digimon, where the kids took on the spirits of legendary warriors and did all the fighting themselves, they didn’t have partners like the former season, yet the show still felt obligated to give them diminutive Digimon companions to act as their guide. The result is Bokomon and Naimon, quite possibly the most annoying, cliche, unfunny, unappealing, useless Digimon side characters to date (Data Squad not withstanding).

You guys aren't even that cute. That's how useless you are.

2. “Romance gives you coodies.”

So much potential that never went anywhere.

This just may be the Avatard/Scott Pilgrim fan inside me that has gotten far too use to having realistic romantic stirs woven into the anime style, but it bugs me that just about every single anime aimed towards children I’ve watched (Pokemon, Digimon, Yu-Gi-Oh, One Piece, and everything else) are given such obvious moments to develop romantic leads and the writers choose to either phone it in or awkwardly side-step the subject entirely. The regular argument has been that young boys watching these series don’t want romance in these shows. I have several problems with this argument. First of all, I for one remember watching Pokemon when I was 10-12 years old and even then, in the far back of my head, I was thinking to myself when are Ash and Misty going to kiss? Come on! You know it’s gonna happen. Point is, even though we act all tough and lovephobic, we really don’t mind it. If it makes sense in the plot for two characters to be together, than make it so. If you don’t, that’s when young boys start to notice something’s off. Remember the boy from The Princess Bride being told the story and his reaction at the end? It’s kinda like that.

Anime needs to learn not to be afraid of sentimental scenes like this one.

My second problem with that argument is even if it were true, for a show like One Piece that has been going strong for almost 15 years now, all those little boys who watched it way back when it began are all grown up now, and they’re openly interested in romance. A good chunck of them are publicly taking part in shipping debates across the internet, so the argument is completely void.

1. “I’m not quite dead yet!”

As I said earlier, I just stared watching Naruto, and already in the very first arc they try to pull a fakeout death scene for a character we know all too well can’t die yet because it’s way too early. They do the whole song and dance: Sasuke takes the bullet for Naruto and then slowly loses consciousness in his arms, Naruto reflects on their time together (which wasn’t really that long). He gets angry to the point where he triggers his Super Saiyan Fox form and demolishes his enemy in a fit of uncontrollable rage. When it’s all over, Sakura crawls over to Sasuke’s corps and bawls her eyes out, but wait… he’s alive… barely… but alive. Yay.

"I'm getting better!"

There’s no way around it. These scenes are a cheep way to create fake drama. One Piece is infamous for having the most impractical survivals I have ever seen, and has done it at least once in each of their really big arcs since Alabasta back in Season 2, though they usually do it with minor characters. First it was Pell out-flying an atomic explosion after already having his back snapped and his wings shot. In Skypia, Wyper endured using a Reject Dial (a weapon that would destroy any normal person after two uses) three times AND taking an a electric attack of over 200 million volts. At Enies Lobby, an ENTIRE resistance crew of about 50 people, (including TWO ****ing GIANTS), escape a full frontal navy cannon barrage completely unscathed by jumping off a cliff and hanging on a net Paulie made in a matter of seconds. And to top it off, let’s not forget Zoro’s ultimate sacrifice for his captain at the end of Thriller Bark.

"I feel fine!"

Both Digimon and DBZ side-step this by having worlds where anyone who’s killed will simply be resurrected, which is almost just as cheep. If there is one good thing that comes out of this, it’s that now I can’t help but be shocked and surprised when someone actually does buy it on one of these shows. Probably the real reason no one [until recently] died on One Piece is because Oda-san still needs all his precious supporting cast to bring them back in a world ending final battle at the end of the New World between the World Government/Blackbeard Pirates/Supernovas and the Straw-hat’s with all their allies on hand (THEN people will start dropping like flies).

"I feel happy..." oh wait, sorry he actually is dead.

Alright, that’s enough being harsh on anime for one day for me. If you have anything to comment on, perhaps if you feel one or more of these aspects is justified, please comment. Or say there is another pet peeve of yours you would like to share, please do. Remember, not being afraid to criticize what we love is the best way to help them improve.

If you enjoyed this crazy tangent on anime you might also like these:

-King Of The Anime, A One Piece Retrospective: Pirates Of The East Blue

-Triple Feature: Pokemon The First Three Movies

-Authentically Awesome Anime: Samurai 7

“Ugh… I cannot believe I let my friend goad me into watching a 400+ episode anime series. What does he expect me to do? Not have a life? At the very least, this will kill time before the new Avatar series comes out next year. Alright let’s get this over with.”

One month later…

“OH MY GOD!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST ANIME I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!
Wait, I have a life?”

First thing you should all know about me is I have a mild case of Aspergers Syndrome, and one of my most potent symptoms is that I get extremely obsessive over certain hobbies of interest in my life. Case in point, when I get into something, I get reeeeeeally into it. I was like this with Avatar The Last Airbender for the last several years, and I’m like it with One Piece now. However, because the overarching plot of One Piece has evolved so much over the decade and a half that has culminated its existence, I have taken myself on a voyage back to the series’ origins to give our readers a little taste of what it has in store. And what better way to start than discussing the franchises’ central protagonist.

Monkey D. Luffy

Bold, brash, and a bottomless optimism that can only be matched by his stomach, Monkey D. Luffy is the hero of our story, and he is Awesome (No, he does not have a title card like Scott Pilgrim to tell you so, but like he needs one). He has both super human strength and the power to stretch like rubber, so he’s basically a combination of both Mr. and Mrs. Incredible, which in-and-of itself, is Awesome. Like many adventures before his own, it begins with a dream, and that dream is to become the greatest pirate in history. Stirred by the tales of his childhood hero “Red Haired” Shanks, Luffy vowed to become a pirate himself. That was before he accidentally ate the enchanted Devil Fruit of the Gum Gum tree, which gave him his rubber body at the cost of being unable to swim, a serious handicap to anyone aspiring to sail the seas. Undeterred, Luffy set out on his 17^th birthday to find a crew, head for the Grand Line, surpass even his idol, and find the legendary treasure left behind by the former Pirate King Gold Roger: The One Piece.

One thing a character like Luffy does so well is take popular tropes from anime protagonists of the past and become fully committed to them. He has got to be the least wishy-washy character I have ever seen. It bears repeating that Eiichiro Oda was indeed inspired by the work of Akira Toriyama, and the parallels between Goku and Luffy are quite relevant. Both characters express pure hearts, big appetites, empty headedness, and a drive fueled by their unrelenting desire to protect the people they love. Yet in Luffy’s case, his character almost seems like an over-exaggeration of each of Goku’s traits: The drive, the appetite, and the sheer stupidity, to the EXTREME!

Some people might think that would come off as obnoxious, but it’s actually surprisingly refreshing to see a main character so consistently over-the-top. He keeps the energy so high, and there is rarely a dull moment when he’s on screen, which is good when you consider just how long this series is.

If there was one thing that wasn’t completely awesome about Luffy, it’s his English voice from the Funimation dub. Colleen Clinkenbeard has the voice duties, whom you might have heard as the new voice of Gohan and Young Goku in Dragon Ball Z Kai. I actually think she does those parts really well, and there are a handful of female characters (Priscilla in Claymore and Minai in Shikabane Hime are two great examples) where she does an excellent job, plus if you watch anything long enough you’re bound to get use to it. And yet, her version of Luffy is lacking. It’s not even a matter of her not having enough energy in her performance or not being talented enough, she just doesn’t fit the part. She makes a high-spirited 17-year-old sound like a 12-year-old who’s been smoking since he was seven, except then we do get to see him when he’s seven in a flashback, and he still has that annoying gravely voice, so apparently he’s been smoking since he was three.

Anyway, in the spirit of most fighting series, a character is put in place as a foil to our hero who will rival him throughout the series progression. Normally, when you think “rival,” usually what comes to mind is the stoic hardcore archetype, like Seto Kiba, Vegeta, Prince Zuko, Sasuke, guys like them. What doesn’t come to mind is some pink-haired, four-eyed, 14-year-old [just a guess, I don’t know his age] cabin boy enslaved by the vicious pirate “Iron Club” Alvida. AKA, this guy:

Coby

Coby is the very first person Luffy befriends on his journey (in fact, he’s the first central character we’re introduced to even before Luffy shows up). He has no discernible talent for fighting, he’s shy, quite cowardly, and as Luffy puts it, kind of a worthless wimp. Despite this, Luffy does see Coby’s kind heart and strong ambition, so he takes it upon himself to clobber the Alvida Pirates, as well as the “Iron Club” herself, and help Colby escape so he can be free to follow his own dreams: to become a marine and fight for justice (that, and Luffy needs a temporary navigator to get him to the next island.)

And that, in a nutshell is the first episode: A boy aspiring to be a pirate beats up a bunch of other pirates to rescue another boy aspiring to be a marine, and somehow, it makes perfect sense. Already this show is making my previous perceptions of good and evil spin around like crazy, and that’s what’s so great about introducing Coby first. He foreshadows how non black and white this world really is and how Luffy’s journey to become King of the Pirates is going to pit him against people who aren’t, in any sense of the word, bad. It gets even more confusing when you consider Episodes 2 and 3 consist of him doing the exact opposite thing he just did: Rescue an outlaw from the Marines.

Roronoa Zoro

Roronoa Zoro, age 19, is the Wolverine of One Piece. By that I mean he is the show’s top badass, and EVERYONE knows it. Sure, Luffy is awesome, but his lighthearted goofy nature keeps him from eating, sleeping and breathing badassery the way Zoro does. He’s a santoryu, which means he fights with three swords. At the same time! A style unlike any swordsmen I have ever seen. Even just hearing about him, Luffy was intrigued. He and Coby rush to the Navy base to find him, and what is the first thing we see this badass doing?

Tied to a stake, daydreaming of his childhood when he repeatedly got his ass kicked by a girl. …Remember the X-Men animated series, when the first time we see Wolverine, he got KO’ed by freaking Jubilee? Yeah it’s kind of like that. But I swear, everything after that is badass. Speaking of badass, guess what badass voice actor plays him in the Funimation Dub. I’ll give you a hint: It’s one of Mr. Pranger’s favorites. [Pranger’s note: It’s Chris Sabat isn’t it?] [Pranger's REAL Note: Sabat? I hate that guy!] Bingo! [Pranger’s note: That’s it, I’m watching it in Japanese.]

Anyway, Zoro has become infamous for hunting down pirates across the East Blue but was imprisoned when he stood up the Marine Captain’s bratty son Helmeppo, who was using his status to bully the villagers. Instead of flipping out, Zoro decides to do his time and be free in a month.

Only one problem.

Helmeppo has no intention of letting Zoro live, and instead sets him up to be executed. Luffy’s still hell-bent on convincing Zoro to join his crew, and Coby knows this sentence is not justified, so both agree to help save him. In a brawl with the marines and their corrupt Captain, “Ax-Hand” Morgan (yes, a lot of characters have nicknames), Zoro realizes he has made himself an outlaw and therefore agrees to become a Pirate and join Luffy’s crew. Yet he makes it clear that if Luffy ever gets in the way of his own dream, he will not hesitate to cut him down. Luffy, rather than be threatened by this statement, is overjoyed that his first crewmember has an aspiration so great:

“The world’s greatest swordsmen? That’s great. The King of the Pirates needs that on his side. I expect nothing less.”

And so, Luffy gets himself a first mate and the two set sail in pursuit of their equally crazy dreams.

Only one more problem.

Neither one of them has any sense of direction. Yep, while both of them are spectacular fighters, they are also complete idiots, and with Coby staying behind to join the marines, they won’t have a navigator to guide them to the next island, let alone make it to the Grand Line. So while they’re just wandering the ocean for a while, perhaps this is a good time to further explore what drives these two.

Past and Promises

There are three unwritten rules that each and every member of Luffy’s pirate crew seems to comply with. Rule #1: You have to become Luffy’s friend. Rule #2: You have to specialize in a skill that Luffy does not have. And Rule #3: You have to have a completely, gut wrenching, tear-jerking, impractical, over-the-top, melodramatic back-story.

So Luffy’s story starts 10 years ago when he’s so desperate to prove to “Red Haired” Shanks and his crew that he is worthy of being a pirate that he goes to call out a group of mountain bandits who belittled his idol the other day. Luffy gets himself caught and the bandits’ leader throws him into the ocean. Unfortunately, the shores of Windmill Village are guarded by a vicious serpent (A Sea King as the show calls them). That, and because Luffy ate the Gum Gum Fruit, he can’t swim either. He’s as good as dead, until Shanks rushes to save Luffy’s life, losing his left arm in the process. (And because he’s not a Namekian, it’s not growing back. No, Automail does not exist in this universe either.) While Luffy is feeling unbearably guilty for crippling his hero, Shanks will later proclaim that he gave his arm as a gamble on the new generation of pirates. Before departing from Windmill one last time, Shanks gives Luffy his trademark straw hat, and makes him promise to return it to him the day he becomes a great pirate.

Well, that was indeed very touching. Way to set the bar Luffy.

Even at the age of nine, Roronoa Zoro, then only a two-sword stylist, was already a very formidable swordsmen who could even take on adults with his skills. And yet, his journey to the top hits a brick wall when he encounters one person he cannot beat: Kuina, his sensei’s daughter. After losing to her 2000 times in a row in kendo matches, Zoro challenges her to a duel with real swords. Yet again, he falls short. In a moment where Zoro’s pride is ready to shatter out of frustration, Kuina verbally kicks him is the teeth by saying that she should be the one that’s frustrated, and yes, this conversation is going exactly where you expect it. She gives him this sob story about how girls grow weaker than men when they grow up, and no matter how much she wants to be a master swordsmen, Zoro is eventually going to surpass her simply through the process of puberty. Needless to say, he doesn’t take that very well:

“What are you crying about!? You beat me! That’s not fair! Beating you is my dream! Someday, I’ll beat you because I worked hard, not because you got weaker! It’s got nothing to do with being a boy or a girl! I’m training every day to beat you! You’re making me look bad!”

Zoro inspires Kuina to make a pact with him: that one of the two of them will become the world’s best swordsmen, so that they could fight each other for the title. Kuina accepts, and they make it a promise.

And literally the next morning, Kuina trips down the stairs and dies.

That’s not even out of context, it was that sudden. She’s dead, and all because of a freak accident. There’s no way around it, Oda, THAT was harsh, and you wrote that when you were younger than me.

Zoro inherits Kuina’s sword (by his own request to her father), and he makes a vow to keep the promise for the both of them. Thus is the birth of his triple sword style.

Nami

Now that we are emotionally invested in our duo, time to meet the girl that’s going to get them where they need to go: Nami, 18-years-old, a woman who’s as clever and cunning as she is eye-candy. While this character is very well loved among fans and is often seen as one of the most fascinating leading ladies in anime, I can’t get over the fact that her first impression paints her as a culmination of every single feminine quality I despise: A selfish, manipulative, hypocritical, flip-on-a-dime, money obsessed thief who we later learn is prone to quadro-polar freakouts nearly every other episode at least (think Misty, but possessed by Satan). While it is true that we won’t fully understand Nami until her backstory is revealed in another 40-odd episodes (which is definitely worth the wait), for now, we just have to put up with her, because dispite all this she’s a brilliant Navigator and Luffy needs her on his side.

Too bad her first act of gratitude toward Luffy saving her ass from a pair of pirates is tying him up and turning him over to the very pirates she stole from claiming that the pirate is her boss and put her up to it so she could infiltrate the crew and steal a map to the Grand Line, all for herself. Yeah, I know. She is a horrible human being. Yet it gets even worse, as the pirates in question are captained by non other than Buggy the Clown, who runs a pirate crew that consists exclusively of carnies (and if you can think of a combination that sounds more frightening than pirates and carnies, I owe you a coke). While Buggy’s first mate Moji is a tamer with a pet lion [named Richie] as big as an elephant, and his second mate Cabaji is a lightning fast unicycle-riding swordsman, it is Buggy himself that turns out to be the most threatening. He is the second character we meet who has eaten one of the Devil Fruits. His power comes from the Chop Chop fruit, which allows him to split his body apart and send the separate pieces of himself flying in any direction.

In a swashbuckling battle of crazy hijinks, backstabbing, and a Devil Fruit showdown, Nami uses her skill with a rope to tie down Buggy’s body parts, making him an easy target. Luffy sends the clown blasting off, Team Rocket style, where I’m sure we will never see him again, wink wink. Nami realizes just how much she can use the muscle in her quest for the Grand Line’s treasures, so she agrees to join Luffy and Zoro as their navigator. The first story arc ends with the trio setting sail in their little fish boat to pursue their dreams. On the way, a bigger crew, bigger ship, bigger booty, and bigger heartbreaks, bigger fights and bigger victories all await their journey toward the Grand Line.

And thus ends the first eight episodes/21 chapters of One Piece. How does it hold up? Compared to the current, immensely tragic events of the most recent arcs, this is just a lot of fun. The pacing isn’t nearly as good as say Avatar or Gurren Lagann, but it’s a ton better than the first few episodes of DBZ and Naruto. The writing and dialogue is pretty clever when it wants to be, and does a great job at giving personality to everyone, even the minor characters that only show up for an episode or two. The art and animation looks a bit nostalgic, but that’s not bad. While the show doesn’t take itself too seriously, there are some very tender moments concerning Luffy and Zoro’s back-stories. The villains, while occasionally goofy, are out for blood and don’t pull punches. The first two in particular are perfect foreshadows of the two specific types of baddies our heroes will frequently run into. “Iron Club” Alvida: a vicious pirate, and “Ax Hand” Morgan: a corrupt marine. While both of those guys went down with what amounted to a single blow, Buggy was the first legitimate threat, and he was also the first enemy with Devil Fruit powers like Luffy. Expect more of those to crop up as we go along as well.

So if you like pirates, anime, intense action, or just plain good storytelling, come aboard and watch/read One Piece. From the words of the future King of the Pirates, “There are incredible adventures out there just waiting for us.”

If you already like One Piece, than maybe you’d enjoy one of these:

-Authentically Awesome Anime: Samurai 7

-Triple Feature: Pokemon The First Three Movies

-Authentically Awesome Anime: A Gurren Lagann Retrospective

With that being said, how does Green Lantern hold up smack dab in the middle of a summer with so much competition? Especially when said competition has been legitimately strong so far?

Sure looks big and exciting. But is it really?

Green Lantern is the perfect example of a movie with some wonderful ideas and great aesthetics, but its execution is clichéd, disjointed, and just downright mediocre. The best example for me would be to compare it to the Star Trek reboot in 2009: tons of viewers adored that movie. It was probably the biggest hit that summer, and I won’t be surprised if the very same viewers enjoy this too. It just rubbed me the wrong way because they took this really out there, big idea movie, and then just made it okay. And a lot of the things that bugged me are real nitpicky things the general audience might never notice or even consider a problem.

All things aside, I felt this movie started fairly strong. We get a quick intro narration of the planet Oa and the Green Lantern Corps. While it may be pointless, as we learn all this throughout the movie anyway, at least it’s narrated by Geoffrey Rush, whom as I’ve already pointed out in my Pirates 4 review, is really good at spouting exposition and making it somewhat engaging. Anyway, we see the evil entity known as Parallax (voiced by Clancy Brown. So far, I’m digging the cast) escape from his prison. He attacks the Corps’ highest-ranking soldier, Abin Sur, who, mortally wounded, barely manages to escape in a pod and make a course for “the nearest inhabited planet,” AKA where-the-heck-do-you-think?

From there, it’s your standard origin movie affair: Hero discovers powers. Antagonist gains powers. Hero trains powers. Hero is reluctant of his own power. Girl motivates Hero. Antagonist captures Girl. Hero saves Girl/World/Universe. The End… sequel bait.

Let’s elaborate a bit on the finer details. To start, I do like Ryan Reynolds. There were a lot of people that had a problem with him playing Hal Jordan, and as I haven’t read the comics, perhaps I’m not fit to comment on that, but I thought he was fun, and his reactions to the events surrounding him felt genuine. It kind of reminds me of last year how everyone was against Michael Cera playing Scott Pilgrim (though that movie ended up being phenomenal). After the Wolverine movie pretty much butchered what could have been Reynolds’ most awesome role ever, I’m glad he got another chance at the comic book scene. Though I don’t think he was perfect, and I can see how he didn’t really fit in with the rest of the Green Lantern Cast, I thought that was kind of the point.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about the supporting cast.

You'd like to see me in action wouldn't you. Well, tough luck. So would I.

I really liked all the Green Lantern Corps members. Our narrator Geoffery Rush turns out to play my favorite of the group, Tomar-Re, Hal Jordan’s official icebreaker. MCD plays MCD in the MCD role of Kilowog (though that’s not a complaint. He’s perfect for the role), Jordan’s boot camp instructor for a good five minutes. Then there’s Mark Strong’s Sinestro, the commanding officer of all the Green Lanterns. He was the one character, besides Hal, I really saw had a chance to have an extremely dynamic story arc that grew throughout the course of the movie. Unfortunately, nether he, nor any of the other Lanterns, get as much screen time as I would have wanted.

Remember in Thor how the title character had all those fellow gods in the Asgard scenes to play with? Sure they weren’t all too developed either, but at least they did SOMETHING throughout the movie that wasn’t training or exposition dumping. They were involved in a fair chunk of the action, something I can’t say for these guys. Not only that, at least two-thirds of the movie takes place on Earth anyway, and we are introduced to dozens of people that are part of Jordan’s everyday life, none of which are as interesting as the three central human characters in Thor.

Perhaps this can be attributed to the movie’s length: 1 hour 45 minutes. In retrospective, that’s pretty short. I almost think it’s unfair. How come Warner Bros lets Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies, Superman Returns, and all the Harry Potter movies clock in at approximately 2 and-a-half hours each, and Watchmen at over 3, but Green Lantern gets less than 2? When you watch the movie, it definitely shows because the editing and the way it segues into separate scenes is far too choppy. It’d be like me going through all my nitpicks one after another, trying really hard not to spoil anything, and leave you, the reader, to try and figure out how they all connect.

"We face an unprecedented danger: Rambling."

• Ryan Reynolds’ performance as Hal didn’t bug me. What did was the direction they decided to take Hal’s character, which I like to call Iron Man Syndrome. We get it. Tony Stark pulled off the “Irresponsible-Playboy-turned-superhero” and made it a popular trope. Green Hornet did it. Bruce Wayne in Nolan’s Batman is doing it, even Charles Xavier did it in First Class (though to give him credit, he was pretty good). Well from now on, unless your actor is as good as RDJ, forget it. Go back to having awkward nerds and brooding vengeance mongers.
• How come the first time we see aliens, they are talking in an alien language, but then Parallax shows up and speaks English too them and from then on all the aliens speak English?
• So Hal Jordan and Hector Hammond (the scientist that gets infected by Parallax) have parallel scenes that show them discovering their powers at the same time. I do like this trope, especially when it was done in the first Spider-Man. But the way the editing jumps back and forth just makes it fell too heavy-handed.
• Why bother introducing so many of Hal’s in-laws at the beginning of the movie if they never show up again?
• Wait? Hal and Hector know each other? They were old friends? And we only find this out half way through the movie when it’s already established they’re on opposite sides? Why didn’t we introduce this relationship earlier? Why not replace the scene with the in-laws with a more appropriate scene with the two of them?
• There’s a scene in a lab where the Green Lantern suddenly bust into the fray to save the day. Okay cool and all but… how did he know what was going on at that particular place at that particular time? Does the ring have an ability to sense danger and we just never touched on that?
• P.S. scene with Sinestro: Um… did that happen in the comics? Because if it did, it was not built up properly. It felt really out of place and out of character. I was actually totally cool with the triumphant end of the movie, and instead of getting me excited for a sequel, it just kind of killed the mood and took any credibility the character had. Makes me want to…want to…

Yeah. Do that.

Well, this review has been kind of a downer. I want to clarify that while I did have problems with it, I don’t think the movie was completely worthless, though if I, someone with no preexisting notion of this franchise, just kind of sort liked it, I’m sure fans are probably furious with it. As I said before, all the Green Lanterns looked great and were very well cast; I just wanted to see more of them. The effects were hit-or-miss, but when it was good, it was really good. I loved how the Planet Oa turned out so vast and detailed and many of the Power Ring effects looked really cool.

So whether Green Lantern gets a sequel, or gets canned and subsequently rebooted in a couple years, color me intrigued [Pranger's Note: If Green Lantern doesn't bring in a significant amount of cash from the opening weekend box office, there's no chance it's getting rebooted ever]. My only wish is that in the future, Warner Brothers treats this franchise with the same level of respect and credibility it gives Batman, Superman, and Harry Potter, because lets face it, those three have maybe one more movie left in them each. You’ll need something new to bring in the green.

Lots of movies this summer! Find out what’s good and what’s not:

-A Long Time Coming: A Review of X-Men: First Class

-Curse of the Disney Sequel: A Review Of Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides

-Great Odin’s Raven! A Movie Review of Thor