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Too Much Awesome Feature Guide [Updated]

Chris Pranger — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 13:00:07 +0000

We here at Toy-TMA do a lot of writing. Sometimes we do more writing than usual, but we’ve been very good about creating content every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at a consistent pace. Thankfully, a lot of our favorite articles have been viewed over and over again, and even have comments in staggering numbers for a site of our size. However, there are equally a staggering number of articles we’ve thrown ourselves into and week after week never see them on the Top 50 Content list from our analytics. Perhaps the problem is that we don’t have a ready-made guide to help you see what’s our there to read? That’s my theory, therefore here is the Too Much Awesome Feature Guide.

We're a good bunch here, and here are some of the best things we've produced for your enjoyment.

Games You Should Have Played:

The concept is simple enough. Take a game we’ve played and loved and tell other people why they should also love it. This feature began with Ocarina of Time and is still ongoing. What new Games You Should Have Played can you expect to see? Super Mario 64 is demanding a write-up, as is Twilight Princess and Act Raiser. Look for those in coming months.

Super Mario Sunshine

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask

Beyond Good & Evil

The Sly Cooper Trilogy

Batman NES

Golden Sun: The Lost Age

Tomb Raider 1 & 2

Golden Sun

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Donkey Kong Country Trilogy

Final Fantasy III SNES (VI)

Super Mario Galaxy

Super Mario Bros 3

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Bad Games That Should Have Been Great:

Take the concept behinds Games You Should Have Played and reverse it. These are games that are misguided in some tragic way, becoming examples of a great concept or lofty promises being released with as a final product that leaves much to be desired. What other Bad Games That Should Have Been Great are in our future? Hard to say, but No More Heroes has a lot to talk about, so keep an eye out for that one.

Pokemon Battle Revolution

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles

Metroid: Other M

Smash Bros Spinoffs

Turtles In Time: Re-Shelled

Star Fox Adventures

Fable II

Dead Rising

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

God of War III

Resident Evil 5

Retrospectives:

Sometimes there are series that demand a full talk or an older toy or game that we really feel needs to be looked at again in further detail, mostly from our personal perspective. That’s where our retrospectives come from. What’s up next for a retrospective? The Star Fox series has been asking for the spotlight, and thus it shall soon be retrospectified.

Model Trains

Stuffed Animals

He-Man

Return of the Jedi Battle at Sarlacc’s Pit board game

Waterworks

Brian’s Memories with Hot Wheels

The Game of Life

Mille Bornes

My First Diecast Car Convention

Wrestling Toys

Origami animals

Remote controlled envy

X-Men Under Siege Board Game

Marvel Legends Action Figures

Smash Bros: A Retrospective

My Little Pony: A Retrospective

Guys and Dolls: A Male’s Retrospective Of Barbie

Cereal Toys Retrospective

Apples to Apples Retrospective

Backyard Toys

Tonka Trucks Retrospective

Games Pieces Do Not Actually Talk: A Guess Who? Retrospective

Creating My Own Sagas: Dragonball Z Action Figures

Guide to Collectible Star Wars Action Figures

Go Green Machine! A Ninja Turtle Video Game Retrospective

More to Catch: Pokemon Toys Retrospective

Twenty Years and Still Going: A Simpsons Retrospective

Sweet Memories of Childhood Cars: A Matchbox Retrospective

The Glory of G.I. Joes: A Retrospective

The Privileged Childhood: A Power Wheels Retrospective

Still Leading The Way: A Hot Wheels Retrospective

Just Don’t Panic: A Retrospective on Catch Phrase

Like Capture The Flag With Bombs: A Stratego Retrospective

The Plastic Wars: a Retrospective on Army Men

All Out War: A Risk Retrospective

A Retrospective on Trivial Pursuit the Board Game

Victory Never Tasted So Sweet: A Candy Land Retrospective

That Cluedo That You Do: A Retrospective on Clue the Board Game

I Am Scattegories and You Can Too: A Scattegories Retrospective

Computers Must Be Stopped: A Short Chess Retrospective

The Yo-Yo and Why You Should Have One

Build Yourself Some Fun: a Brief LEGO Retrospective

Get Out of Jail for Free: A Brief Monopoly Retrospective

Video Game Retrospectives:

Rare: A Retrospective

Metroid: A Retrospective

My Pokemon Team Over The Years

Zelda: A Retrospective

-Part 1

-Part 2

Crash Bandicoot: A Retrospective

Mario: A Retrospective

Let’s Think Deep:

Our long-form discussions, Let’s Think Deep is a forum for us to discuss issues that we’re feeling regarding whatever we feel needs to be thought deeply about. What is currently up for Deep Thought? The future of gaming is a big topic, probably appearing sooner than later. Be watching for that.

Books and Games

Nintendo Explained By a Lifelong Fan

The PSN Blackout

You versus the world

The Download Conundrum

Wii Regret

I Get Your Genre: First-Person Shooters

The Mind of a Fanboy

Kinect and What It Means

The Great Zelda Schism

The Used Games Dilemma

The Virtual Utopia

The Moral of the Story

Rethinking Remakes

Achieving Perfection

Motion Controls In Games

The Perfect Video Game

What Makes a System Good?

Dante’s Inferno and It’s Place In The World

Articulating Articulation

Schrodinger’s Zelda

Tips From a Grandmaster:

We like to think we’re professional gamers here, but we’re not. Still, every so often we come across a game we feel mastery in to a level that has us begging to share our wisdom. What games will we discuss next? Smash Bros and Mass Effect are showing strong indicators of getting a full Tips article, so be ready for those.

Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island (Part 1)

Super Mario Bros 3

Super Mario Galaxy 2

Batman: Arkham City

Comic Book Club:

Video games aren’t our entire world, even if it feels that way some months. We’re big on comic books, so much so that we want to share some of the comics that have really stood out as examples of stellar work. What Comic Book Club books will be selected for the future? Certainly Batman Black & White will make an appearance, as will the masterpiece manga Akira, plus the Marvel Current Continuity Retrospective needs to be resolved, so stick that on your radar and check back for their arrival on the list.

Marvel Current Continuity Retrospective:

-Avengers Disassembled

-New Avengers

-House of M

-Marvel Civil War

-Marvel Civil War Aftermath

Usagi Yojimbo #141 (Issue 200)

Avatar The Last Airbender, The Lost Adventures

The Walking Dead

Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld

Scott Pilgrim Book 6

Ex Machina

Superman: Secret Identity

Chickenhare

Scott Pilgrim Books 1-5

Bone

Marvels

Authentically Awesome Anime (Triple A):

Gus came up with this a while ago after he decided that we talk about anime but not nearly as much as we should. Therefore, Triple A came about. What’s likely to appear? FLCL will be there soon, as will Akira and Samurai Champloo, so watch for those.

One Piece: New World Review Part 1

One Piece: New World Review Part 2

Digimon Tamers

Death Note

One Piece

One Piece 500th Episode

Samurai 7

Pokemon, the First Three Movies

Page To Screen:

Gus started another brilliant segment a ways into this last year that really struck a cord with me where we cast the live action version of an animated property, though we haven’t touched on it since. That will change soon! Expect us to cast a live action version of Akira (the right way), Dragon Ball (the right way), and even Pokemon.

One Piece Part 1

One Piece Part 2

Casting for a Live Action Movie

Forget-Me-Nots:

Kyle starting this one, being an article aimed squarely at a toy from our past that we want to talk about. Not just any toy, but our toy, our specific toy that is ours and no one else’s. What can you see us taking a trip down memory lane with next? Perhaps Z-Bots, but that’s an article for another day.

Yu-Gi-Oh Cards and Anime

Pokemon Trading Card Game

Video game board games

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Figures and Zords

Chutes and Ladders

Mutating Michelangelo

Halloween-Turned-Toys!

Tie Fighter Computer Game

Lone Ranger Action Figure

Daredevil Action Figure

TMNT Pizza Power Board Game

1987 Ghostbusters Firehouse

How To Guides:

Sometimes we get the chance to cut loose and dispense advice. This is one of those times. Here are all the times we’ve given you advice on the important things in life. Coming soon: How To Create Video Games.

How To Do Nothing

Doing Halloween Costumes Right

How To Create Your Own Hot Wheels

8 Frequently Asked Questions About The Power Rangers

How To Survive Black Friday

How To Lose With Dignity

How To Operate A Touch Screen Properly

How To Game Correctly

Game Rentals: The Poor Man’s Guide

The Dragonball Z Technique Guide

How To Beat Your Friends In Board Games

Lists:

This is the Internet in 2011. That means a fair number of lists are expected and to a certain degree required for a website to go on functioning. What lists are coming up soon? Keep a look out for 10 Examples Why Mario Games Are Darker Than You’d Think to appear sometime in the next year.

5 Games Lost in the November Rush 2011

The Best [And Worst] of Nolan North

5 Games To Play In The Dark

Top 5 Most Wanted Plot Devices for Avatar The Last Airbender: The Promise Part 1

Five Franchises That Should Get a Sandbox Spinoff

Five Aspects of Otherwise Great Anime That Brings Them Down

10 Weird Items from Oriental Trading

Five Remakes We Should Have Seen at E3

5 Things From Avatar I Wanted To See But Didn’t

Ten Games That Changed Everything

Five Aspects of Avatar Everyone Gets Wrong

Top 5 Franchises That Should Get a LEGO Spinoff

Five Games I’d Like To See On The 3DS Without 3D

5 Games That Would Work Great With The 3DS’ 3D

Ten Aspects of Otherwise Good Games That Bring Them Down

Seven Tragic Video Game Love Stories

Top 5 Franchises That Should Get An SSB Spinoff

Toys of 2010 that were just plain bad ideas

In Response to Game Informer: 10 Underdogs That Defined A Generation

A Toy List For The Financially Gifted

5 Toys From 2010 I Wish I Had When I Was Your Age

Strange news from the World of Barbie

cassandrapoe — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 13:00:02 +0000

At the risk of infuriating Mattel’s ever-present swarm of high-circling legal eagles, this week we’re going to talk about Barbie. Specifically, two pretty significant and even, dare I say, bizarre milestones in the history of the line have emerged this week.

As I’ve mentioned before, the Mattel, Inc. v. MGA Entertainment battle for custody over the line of Bratz dolls, which started in 2005, is now back in federal court this month- and weirder than ever. On January 18, arguments resumed for both sides in Orange County. But that’s just the start. When you actually dig into the case, the official court papers become more and more inexplicable- something reading more like a concoction from Monty Python or a madhouse spy novel than a respectable court of law.

How to sum this madness up in a way that everyone can follow? The gist of the case is this: Mattel employed a designer named Carter Bryant to work on some clothing designs for Barbie dolls. Around 2000, while he was working for Mattel, he was also whipping up a prototype doll on the side- the first prototype of what would eventually become the Bratz figure. Mattel claims that because the company employed him at the time, anything that he developed also belonged to the company, and produced a signed agreement to this effect. Open and shut, right?

In this corner: the Bratz

Not so fast, that’s only the start.

Bryant showed his designs for Bratz to Veronica Marlow, another freelance designer, in Mattel’s parking lot. A few months later Marlow was working for MGA and proved to be the connection point between Bryant and MGA. Pretty soon he was taking phone calls from MGA at his Mattel desk, and according to depositions, he used discarded Mattel doll parts to create the first prototype Bratz figure. He bought thongs and bikinis at Hot Topic to get ideas for dressing the dolls.

Mattel only found out what Bryant was up to because someone snitched- the company received an anonymous letter in 2002 tipping them off to Bryant’s activities. Mattel’s in-house response was to create a series of hyperbolic emails and memos within the company and to start investigating key figures within their own organization. PowerPoints and e-mails around this time claim “the house is on fire” and that fixing it would require “grenades to be launched.” Words like “fight fire with fire” and “Barbie genocide” were getting thrown around in memos, and that Barbie needed to become “aggressive, revolutionary and ruthless” to survive the 2004 market.

And in this corner: Barbie. Not shown: genocide.

Mattel accused a number of ex-employees who defected to MGA of RICO-level conspiracy and fraud, citing three executives at Mattel Mexico, the Canadian director of sales for Mattel Girls, and Ron Brawer, the SVP of the US division – of stealing confidential file on USB drives and then taking that information to their new employer. When Mattel attempted to sue Brawer for this action in 2004, the case was thrown out by Los Angeles Superior Court, even though it was established that Brawer made telephone calls to MGA within hours of Mattel company planning meetings and Mattel was having Brawer’s children videotaped. They also had MGA’s president, Julian Larian, and even the names of his children and synagogue, investigated. This came to light in motions filed in California in 2007. (According to the new trial lawyer for Mattel, this is all perfectly normal industry behavior, apparently.)

The original judge on the MGA case, Stephen Larson, ruled in favor of Mattel to the extreme – MGA were forbidden to do anything with the Bratz line and all rights reverted to Mattel. However, Judge Kozinski of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals – yes, that 9th – scathingly reversed this ruling in totality. And he did it while citing Twilight, True Blood, The Simpsons, Betty Boop, and anime in the published decision. I’m not even kidding about this.

I would buy the heck out of a Judge Kozinski figure.

So Mattel first got it all, then lost everything. Now the companies are back in court with the fireworks already flying. A bewildering exchange of arguments and hostilities have already been thrown with MGA claiming that Mattel has engaged in RICO conspiracies with its team of lawyers, Quinn Emanuel Urquhart and Sullivan. MGA is also defending itself against a separate lawsuit from its own prior defense team, O’Melveny and Myers, who are claiming the company owes them millions for their services. MGA countersued them for malpractice. And MGA’s current team, Orrick, Herrington and Sutcliffe, are trying to withdraw from the case – but the new overseeing judge, Judge Carter, won’t let them because it will disrupt trial schedules- and the 9th Circuit has affirmed this decision. MGA feels Orrick has insufficient trial experience, to which Mattel publicly scoffed that “It would be unprecedented to force a district court to continue a trial because a party suddenly decides, right before trial, that its longtime counsel (consisting of dozens of lawyers at a respected firm) isn’t good enough anymore.”

Mattel also intends to argue via forensics that the paper used by Bryant to do his original sketches was paper that came from a Mattel notebook in 1999. Seriously.

Mattel company notebook.

Meanwhile, Barbie (remember Barbie? This is an article about Barbie dolls.) and Ken’s “relationship” is suddenly in the media as the Ken doll has just had its 50th “birthday”. The media has jumped on this in all sorts of strange and bizarre ways, and is treating the fictional plastic toy couple as if they were real and subject to all the same forms of celebrity gossip as real, living flesh and blood people.

In a strange but arguably inspired social networking ad campaign, Mattel, which broke up the iconic toy couple two days before Valentine’s Day in 2004 – at the same time as Barbie was being told to become “aggressive and revolutionary” behind the scenes in those infamous memos – is now trying to get them back together again. Press releases have already hit on CNN, CNBC, and in disguised forms on Twitter, Facebook (of course Barbie and Ken have their own “official” Facebook pages) and YouTube. Elle Girl Magazine is promoting a Valentine’s Day giveaway of Ken dolls, which ends February 11. Mattel has also bought physical billboards, which should be appearing in Los Angeles, and possibly other major cities, in the next few weeks. They’ll say things like “Barbie, we may be plastic, but our love is real.”

Not shown: Back of shirt, which reads “For Sale.”

All of this to build up a new Ken figure, “Sweet Talkin’ Ken”, which can record up to five seconds of audio and then play it back at different pitches. He’s described as “the perfect boyfriend who says whatever you want him to say”, and wears a shirt that says “the perfect boyfriend” in ten languages. I can’t figure out if this is actually reverse sexism incarnate or just normal sexism taken to hilarious extremes.

Anyway, Amazon.com claims the figure is already discontinued. So much for the perfect man.

Cassandra writes about media and is developing some original SF works at cassandrapoe.com. She traded in Barbies for Transformers in 1986 and never looked back.

Want more articles on classic toys? Check these out:

-Guys and Dolls: A Male’s Retrospective on Barbie

-Forget-Me-Nots: Mutating Michelangelo

-The Glory of G.I. Joes: A Retrospective

Toys of 2010 that were just plain bad ideas

cassandrapoe — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 13:00:06 +0000

It’s almost New Years, and that means everyone and their dog is trotting out their end of year lists. We’ve talked about toys to look forward to for 2011 and cool new toys from 2010, but I feel I would be terribly remiss if I let the year go by without remarking on its dark side.

Toy design is a challenging art at best. How to get kids interested and motivated and give them ways to burn off all that natural energy without maiming each other or themselves in the process is a perpetual issue, and many things that are intended to be simple fun (with proper adult supervision!) sometimes get turned into bigger issues than they really are. For every “You’ll shoot your eye out, Ralphie!” mom, there’s a dad going “Naw, he’s fine, a few scrapes build character!” And for every zealous consumer watchdog group overreacting to even the slightest whiff of the potential possibility of danger, there are people wondering why lawn darts are such a big deal and mourning the days when kids flung themselves headlong into traffic on rollerskates with no brakes – hey, we did it and we turned out fine!

So I’m always sort of amused and wary of ‘worst toy lists’, but there are honestly some toys where you just look at them and go “Okay, really, what were you thinking?”

Here’s a few from this year that rightfully raised eyebrows.

Geospace Walkaroo II Aluminum Stilts

Pretty much everything Geospace makes seems to fall under the ‘shoot your eye out’ category, but a special shout-out should be given to their Walkaroo II Aluminum Stilts. “As kids gain balancing skills, they can move the footrests higher for more challenge.” I’m inclined to wonder if they also have an adjustable setting to convert them straight into the crutches kids will inevitably need when they fold up and crumple (being made of likely cheap aluminum) and send the poor kid pitching face-first into a low-dangling hive of bees. (Admittedly unlikely, but that’s the mental image I had and I’m running with it!) A spectacularly bad idea all around, bestseller or not!

HARMED: None – so far, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see this pop up on a recall list later.

Step2® Push Around and Whisper Ride Buggies

You know, they still make Radio Flyers…

You’re pushing your kid around in a nice, soft, sturdy-looking plastic wagon-thing. You take the kid out to the park for some fresh air. Maybe there’s a little bit of a hill around that one corner. And you’re walking along, talking the way you talk to your kid when you do this kind of thing, and you’re on the hill, and… oops! The handle just plain drops off.

You can imagine how much fun that isn’t.

HARMED: An unfortunate 28 accidents; two bad enough to require doctor intervention.

JAKKS Pacific Spa Factory Aromatherapy Kits

Not shown: Bottle for collecting tears caused by exploding toy.

Hey, little girls like pretty things that smell good, right? And this might be a fun way to get them leaning toward basic chemistry, too, right? Sure, and let’s make all the containers really pretty and give them lots of nice sharp molded edges, so that when they fly to pieces because of our inability to keep our basic chemistry facts straight it can also teach them about basic first aid and eye flushing decontamination procedures!

This toy was already recalled once in 2009 because it has a tendency to explode. The manufacturer helpfully included plastic, sharp edged, ventless lids to be used with bath bombs containing carbon dioxide. For even more fun, some of the combinations create citric acid that really adds some extra sparkle to the flying debris! The toy was recalled for the second time in 2010 and the manufacturer is now offering free exchangeable lids that have air holes in them.

HARMED: 26 kids have been hurt by this thing blowing up in their faces.

Munchkin’s Bathtub Subs

Pain sometimes looks like a smile!

It looks so harmless, doesn’t it? It’s an innocent looking little yellow submarine with a smiley Pikachu face; perhaps bringing back fond memories to grownup moms and dads of the Beatles and their Yellow Submarine. But nature designated yellow and black as warning colors for a reason – the CPSC reports the sub’s intake valve sucks in skin along with water and, well, that’s just not the kind of fun most people want to be having in the bathtub.

HARMED: 19, with one hospitalization, lacerations to little boys’ genitalia. Ugh.

Fisher-Price Trikes (many varieties)

Seriously, how did that yellow key design get through at all?

There was some news coverage about this one a few months back, so you might remember it. Several kids were seriously injured and a few more hurt less seriously by a jutting ‘key’ in the trike’s design, which was unfortunately placed so that they could fall against it while riding or attempting to dismount the vehicle. The original design of the jutting key was unfortunately rather sharp-edged, and Fisher Price had to retract several million trikes. The trikes have been redesigned, but the original shape and position of the key was such a no-brainer for potential problems that you wonder how it made it past initial safety tests at the prototype phase.

HARMED: 6 girls seriously injured, a few more dinged, strangely all seeming to be little girls in the genitals. Ugh again.

Toys injuring kids is always a nightmare scenario – enough that the idea’s entered the cultural zeitgeist in the form of horror movies about killer toys, masks, and funhouse rides-gone-wrong. There’s just no good answer for it when playtime goes south, and I definitely feel for any kids who get hurt just trying to have a good time. Sure, a few scrapes build character, but nobody should end up in the hospital just from trying to be a kid.

Let’s hope the toys of 2011 are a little less dangerous!

Cassandra writes about music, media and randomness at her blog, cassandrapoe.com.

Want more articles about toy news? Check out some of last year’s big lists:

-The Top 10 Radio and Remote Controlled Toys of 2009

-Top 10 Best Selling Toys of 2009

-Holiday Video Game Gift Guide 2009

Welcome to the Grid, Again: A Review of TRON Legacy

Gus Townson — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 13:00:19 +0000

“We’re living in a time where we’re making the worst movies in history. They’re geared toward the video-game generation.” -Billy Bob Thornton

It’s taking just about every ounce of my willpower, plus three quarters extra, not to virtually pulverize Mr. Thornton right now. I thought we had enough well respected members of the media industry trying to shut down the gaming community with Mr. Ebert’s half-assed attempt to prove why video games will never be art, despite the fact that they have been for a good two decades now.

Anyway, what pains me most about hearing comments like this is that they feel so narrow-minded when I turn to a film like Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (of which I believe we have praised just about enough for one lifetime here at Toy-TMA) and the way it applied game aesthetics made it feel like the most original and refreshing movie in a long, long time. However, thanks to a lot of shovelware like Gamer from 2009, it’s no wonder video games still cease to be taken seriously. In fact, to this day, some of the biggest “movies about games” are cult classics that came out in the 80’s and early 90’s when the industry was still in its heydays: movies like The Wizard, The Last Starfighter, and of course TRON. Speaking of which, it is now due for a 28-year-later-sequel (TRON that is. Not The Wizard. That would just be silly.) Yeah that’s right, for all you youngsters out there like a version of myself not too long ago, TRON Legacy is Dinsey’s new gamble at creating a new franchise to be the followup of a 1982 Sci-fi film that has survived strictly on a small niche of dedicated nostalgic nerds-of-the-time that solemly swear the movie was more than just being a bomb in the box office. So, my friends and I gave the movie the shot it diserved, and here is what I have to say.

Johnny Quest meets Speed Racer? Sold.

Lets start by giving TRON Legacy two thumbs up for accomplishing exactly what it set out to do: take a cult classic and completely revitalize it out of the realm of obscurity. Right away, I can tell that this is exactly the kind of movie the makers of the original TRON had probably wanted to make in the first place. The things that people go to see a movie like this for- the special effects, light cycle chases, fast paced fight scenes, a vast and immersive digital world, and Jeff Bridges being a Jeff Bridges brand of awesome- are all here.

Even the beginning portion of the movie that takes place in the real world does a good job at keeping up the pace. The whole opening is about introducing us to Kevin Flynn’s son, Sam (played by Garrett Hedlund), and prepping him as the new protagonist. They accomplish this by giving him a handful of extreme stunts and hacking jobs to pull off. Once he actually enters the world of the Grid (the digital utopia his father discovered) they have already painted him as enough of a wildcard that it’s completely believable for him to ask just a few simple questions and immediately jump into the swing of things. (And by “things” I of course mean Discus Battles and Light-Cycle chases to the death.]

What was that, Quorra? How’s the 3D? I’m glad you asked.

As bad of a rep as 3D has been receiving recently (mostly do to crappy post-conversions like Clash of the Titans just to make a few extra dollars), I’ll give credit to TRON Legacy for easily being the very best use of 3D since James Cameron’s Avatar. The 3D in this movie ceased to be a simple gimmick and actually did serve a legitimate purpose. You see, all the beginning scenes in the real world were filmed in 2D format and are displayed as such. When Sam enters the Grid, that’s when the film is played out in 3D. Now, not only does the 3D let the audience get to see all those neon light discs zipping at them, it creates a unique atmosphere for the digital world that drastically differs from the real world, even further than its already stark visual contrast.

Now if only the story was as great as the aesthetics. Yeah, back in 1982, the premise alone, a game programmer hacks himself into a digital frontier where users and programs compete in games to the death, was WAY ahead of its time. But now, you’d have to come up with some additional subplots or thicken the lore of the universe to create something spectacular, which unfortunately TRON Legacy doesn’t provide (At least not yet. There are plans for sequels). In fact, word through the grapevine is that the plot, more or less, goes through the exact same motions and action sequences that the first one does, just with a fresh and extremely well-polished coat of “video game generation” paint. Even the current production poster looks exactly like its predecessor, as if saying a remake was really all they were aiming for.

The writing isn’t terrible by any means, just uninspired. Half the exposition is a complete mess. Every time we cut to Kevin Flynn trying to explain to Sam how the rules of the Grid work, good luck trying to understand any of it. Honestly it just comes out sounding like… “Science-babble, science-babble, babble-babble-science.” Needless to say, the movie’s stronger points are when it chooses to show us rather than tell us via flashbacks.

Likewise goes for the acting: not bad, just uninspired. Sure Jeff Bridges works double time, reprising both his roles as the now aging programmer Kevin Flynn and his evil counterpart Clu, and he does fine, but everyone else just seems like they are going through the motions as if it’s second nature. Garrett Hedlund’s Sam is a likable enough hero. Olivia Wilde is the hot good girl, Quorra. Beau Garrett is the hot bad girl, Gem. James Frain plays Clu’s square Number 2, Jarvis, who is nowhere near as interesting as the Jarvis from Iron Man. (Notice how they all have typical techno names yet?) Michael Sheen’s performance was quite a sporadic welcome as Sci-fi David Bow—uh I mean “Zeus,” even though Thor is about Norse gods and doesn’t come out till May (P.S. that looks awesome). Oh yeah, and Tron is in it too. Very very briefly, but I swear he’s there.

Daft Punk as the DJ’s in the tavern scene was pretty cool, too.

At the end of all this, what have we come to? Well, the first TRON movie, while being a complete bomb during its release, was still acknowledged by a small group that thought it was all right and had a great premise. Now, 28 years later, the sequel is here and while it has already become far more successful than its predecessor, it’s still just an all right movie with a neat premise, but now with awesome effects that almost make up for all of its shortcomings. Almost. At the very least, I am curious what they are going to do for the sequels. So with that, I give it a go. Level your expectations appropriately, and enjoy the ride.

Happy New Year!

Want more movie reviews, check these out:

-The End is Nigh: A Review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

-Forget-Them-Not: A Review of Toy Story 3

-“But The Effects Were Decent”: A Review of The Last Airbender

A Sneak Peek at 2011

cassandrapoe — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 13:00:50 +0000

2010 is almost outta here! As the New Year gets closer, let’s steal a glimpse at the year to come. We’re looking at a massive amount of line revivals this year- the 80’s are coming home to roost with major remakes of almost every definitive toy line you remember, and a couple you might not. There’s even a re-envisioned Rubik’s Cube out there!

On the Disney/Pixar front, we have two potentially huge releases that are going to impact the market in 2011- the first is the release of Pixar’s Cars 2, currently slated for a summer release in June. It’s coming double-packed with a new Toy Story short feature that director Lee Unkrich says will be the beginning of a potential series of new shorts. That’ll keep everything Toy Story-related fresh and hot for 2011, and if the rumors about the first short being Barbie and Ken-centric is true, Mattel is going to get another shot in the arm as well.

In July, Disney is also relaunching Winnie the Pooh with a new theatrical film release and a major tie–in campaign. Disney plans to connect a new consumer line for infants with the film.

Cars, Pooh and Toy Story are three of the six major lines of Disney merchandise (Mickey Mouse, the Disney Princesses and the Disney Fairies being the other three). Cars alone is worth $2 billion in annual sales- and that’s before we factor in that Disney now owns the entirety of Marvel’s vast array of character licenses. Marvel characters began appearing in Disney retail and online stores when Iron Man 2 came out – so you can bet they’ll run support for Thor (May 2011) and Captain America (July 2011), too.

Mattel is jumping on the Cars 2 action as well, but a lot of their energies may be tied up for the beginning of 2011 with the ongoing battle with MGA Entertainment over the ginourmously popular Bratz line. A federal decision in July threw out the entire previous court case- a suit which had cost both sides a whopping combined figure of about two billion dollars – and called for a retrial. The Bratz empire of dolls, cartoons, and peripheral items, a line in direct competition with Mattel’s Barbie for the pre-and-tween girl market, is now back in dispute. The winner takes away a merchandising goldmine estimated at a worth of 500 million dollars during peak sales. New custody battle proceedings begin January 11, 2011.

While Mattel fights over the Bratz, it will also be hooking up with Warner Brothers to promote the upcoming Green Lantern film, and some discussion is on the table about providing support for Universal’s Monster High live action musical.

Two dark-horse contenders for your dollars are also coming: a massive Voltron relaunch, with Mattel putting toy power behind World Entertainment Production’s new “Voltron Force” animated series, currently aiming to launch on Nicktoons in the summer of 2011, and a new wave of four figures based on DIC/Saban’s classic The Real Ghostbusters, with MEGO-style packaging and sculpts based on the animated series designs rather than the live-action characters. Sorry, no Slimer or Janine, though.

Hasbro will continue its incredibly successful association with Star Wars. Some figures already announced for the first two waves of 2011 are Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, two droids, a classic Storm Trooper and Clone Trooper, Clone Wars Obi-Wan Kenobi and Cad Bane. They’ve also announced a new The Force Unleashed character pack for Spring 2011. Word is that Star Wars Episode 1 will hit sometime in 2011 in a new 3D IMAX version, so Hasbro is holding some figures back from their packs to support this release as well.

Hasbro has inked a ten-year deal with the Sesame Workshop to produce toys and games based on the iconic children’s education series Sesame Street. (We hope they will be as cool as sadly defunct Palisades Toys’ Muppet figures.) Elmo, Big Bird, Cookie Monster and other classic favorite characters are set to begin appearing next year. The line is estimated to pop another $100-150 million dollars into Hasbro’s coffers. Who says it’s not easy (making) green?

Transformers is of course a perennial in the market and is currently in the midst of a massive reconstruction/unification effort as Hasbro is devoting itself for the next couple of years to operating the Transformers Prime “universe”. A new animated series launches on The Hub in February 2011, following the well-received Prime miniseries. Toys supporting both this series and the third live-action movie from Michael Bay, Dark of the Moon, are on the way and should keep the franchise white-hot throughout all of 2011.

G.I. Joe is undergoing a very similar revival/retooling, and figures are expected for the first three months of 2011 including Duke, Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow, Low-Light, Destro, Skydive, and Shadow Tracker. There will also be a line in support of the new animated series, “G.I. Joe: Renegades”, beginning its run now and airing in 2011. There will also be a sequel to G. I. Joe’s live action film, but it’s currently projected for 2012.

Bandai hopes to bring back some of that 90’s flavor with a new wave of Power Rangers merch February in support of their new series, Power Rangers Samurai (Nicktoons and Nickelodeon). The original line was massive, crushing all competition beneath its multicolored feet in 1994; can it get back some of its previous momentum with a new approach?

And still more 80’s retro action: Bandai is also acting as the master licensor of toys for Thundercats, which returns to US airwaves in 2011 in a new series on Cartoon Network.

Pokemon Black and White arrives in the US translated in Spring 2011. While hardcore devotees of the game have probably already pirated and played it through entirely (it’s been out in Japan since September) and toy versions exist as spendy imports, there’s a hungry kid market that’s ready and waiting- it’d be a surprise if Jakks Pacific, current holder of the US toy license, doesn’t take advantage of the official US release to unveil official toys around the same time. Jakks Pacific has also partnered with Microsoft to prepare interactive plush animals for Microsoft’s “Kinectimals” and will release a standard non-scannable plushie line for the same in fall.

There’s no way to know for sure, of course, what’s going to hit and miss – but even if our crystal ball might be a little cracked and chipped, it doesn’t take a gypsy genius to predict that 2011 will be a great year for toys.

Want more toy news? Check these articles out:

-Easy Come, Easy Go: A Year in Review of Sony 2010

-No Freaking Way: A Duke Nukem Forever Preview

-Yet Another Pokemon Black & White Preview

What You May Have Missed In November 2010

Chris Pranger — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 19:43:22 +0000

We had a good November, didn’t we? Well, we’re into December now, but don’t let that spoil the fun from November. Here’s your recap for November 2010:

A Hero’s Best Friend: The Top 5 Video Game Pets:

Behold the love of a boy and his horse.

Gus began November with a top 5 list he’d be kicking around for a while regarding his favorite pets within video games. There are some definite universal favorites in there, but a few you might now have thought about. It’s a fun read, so go catch up on it.

More Like A Tall Tale: A Fable III Review:

For November’s first review, I had to mention Fable III since, well, it was a huge release. I just wasn’t sure how to review it since there were so many differing opinions. I got a chance to ask Destructoid’s Jim Sterling about the game in my podcast, but there still wasn’t a sure resolution. Read the review for my findings.

Platforming Served Well Done: A Review of Super Meat Boy:

Probably my favorite recent release, Super Meat Boy won me over with its ridiculous difficulty but spot-on enjoyment. Then again, platformers are my bread and butter, so give me a good one and I’m happy for days.

Let’s Think Deep: Kinect and What It Means:

While I’ve yet to review the Kinect (and probably never will since there’s no reason), I did see its launch permeating more than just the casual crowd of people. I wanted to get some thoughts out on screen and since that’s the whole reason I started Let’s Think Deep, out came my semi-rant on Microsoft’s new baby.

Ten Radical Ninja Turtle Action Figure Side Characters:

Some of these characters could have their own show and I'd still watch it.

I had a hell of a time figuring out what to call this list, but in essence it’s all about the Also Rans of the TMNT toy line and how freaking cool they are. I won’t spoil who I put at the top, but given his own series, I’d go out right now and buy every new toy they released from it.

Nixon’s Back Baby: A Review of Call of Duty: Black Ops:

Another year, another Call of Duty game. And another article that no one really needs to read since this Call of Duty game is even better than the last. It’s that simple. Also, Nixon fights zombies. Sold.

Because Sometimes Death Can Be Entertaining: A 13 Dead End Drive Retrospective:

I felt bad that we hadn’t mentioned board games in a while, so I reached back into my childhood memories and pulled out one strange game that felt like a mix of Clue and Mouse Trap. Anyone else remember 13 Dead End Drive? Anyone?

Board Game Week: Spy Web Retrospective:

Now I KNOW you’ve never heard of Spy Web. The second installment of Board Game Week ended up being a mixture of Battleship and Guess Who?, but I know for a fact that kids would be into this game if it had better marketing. I mean really, are spies that tough to sell to kids?

Time To Square Off: A Retrospective on Blokus:

Gus has me convinced. Now I just need to find someone willing to play with me.

Gus’ first article as a full member of the Toy-TMA staff turned out to be a retrospective on one of his favorite board games just in time for Board Game Week: Blokus. I’d heard about it before but to Gus, Blokus is akin to chess, so there must be something to it. Read his article to find out what.

The End is Nigh: A Review of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1:

Probably one of the biggest movie releases of this year, the seventh Harry Potter movie came out to quite a lot of fanfare. Gus got a chance to see it and write up a review, so here it is for those that need just a little more convincing.

How To Survive Black Friday:

Every so often I get the chance to just write for fun and this happened to be one of those times. I’m actually very proud of this one, so go read on for the full extent of my silliness in which I give advice that could probably get you arrested should you follow it.

The Missing Link: A Review of Donkey Kong Country Returns:

Certainly one of the more anticipated Wii releases of this year, the return to form for Donkey Kong Country under the care of Retro Studios (I love you Retro Studios!) turned out to be exactly what fans wanted, though perhaps at a difficulty they didn’t expect. I don’t mind since after Super Meat Boy I need my platforming enragingly tough to even break a sweat.

Bad Games That Should Have Been Great: Star Fox Adventures:

I was never sure quite what to make of this game, but I knew it wasn't what you'd consider "good."

Finishing out November, I took some personal time to rip on Star Fox Adventures, a game that just didn’t make any sense. Perhaps not as bloodthirsty as some of my other rants, but hey, it was my birthday, so cut me some slack.

And that’s November for you. What’s coming up for December? Well, we’ve got a new writer joining us very soon, plus some strategy articles on Super Mario Bros 3 and Yoshi’s Island. Also, because it’s the end of the year and all, we’re sort of required to talk about what happened in the last twelve months. Still, we’ll make it good. And Christmas. Don’t forget Christmas. See you in January!

How To Survive Black Friday

Chris Pranger — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 13:00:28 +0000

Today is not Thanksgiving. However, tomorrow is Thanksgiving! How exciting! But after all that delicious turkey, hearty mashed potatoes, succulent spiral ham, decadent pie, savory gravy, scrumptious rolls…I had a point, right? Right! After getting stupidly full, what happens next? First, you pass out. Then, you wake up for seconds. Then you pass out again. At roughly this point it should be Black Friday, the single worst day of a retailer’s year. How can you survive the utter chaos? Read on my dear readers and we’ll help you out.

As with any other major shopping day, the first precaution you must take regards your battle strategy. Where will you be shopping? What deals do they have? Do you have a budget? If you aren’t aware of things and decide to shop around willy-nilly then you will fail Black Friday. It is not a day built for your wishy-washy attitude toward things. It is a day for winners, and dammit, you need to be prepared!

Seriously ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"

The best way to prepare comes down to the simple act of searching weekly ads. You should know by now what your favorite stores will be selling and whether it’s worth your time and energy. If Target has some particularly fantastic bedsheets on sale during Black Friday but Fred Meyer has nothing that interests you at all, simple choice here, go with what you know.

Secondly, you need to stock up on the essentials for shopping. You might as well treat this like a camping trip and Be Prepared, so do a quick check to see if your car has any gas, then if your debit account has any cash in it, and finally if your gun has any bullets in the chamber. There will be some excellent sales going on and nothing scares a crowd better and faster than a few well-placed shots to the air. I’d also suggest switching to a riot shield as it allows for better shoving power and protects well against trampling.

Frank West has the right idea here. Follow his example and do the right thing.

Possible felonies aside, you need a posse. No good Black Friday shopper is a lone wolf. You’ll be dealing with mob mentality out there and the best way to counteract that is pack sensibilities. The more people you have loyal to your cause, the greater the likelihood that you’ll get anything you want at the stores you visit. Attempting to pry a Zu-Zu Pet from a person in a one-on-one tugging match has a 50/50 chance of going in a direction you wouldn’t prefer, but add some strong helpers on your end and the results equal you getting your sale item with less physical harm. To yourself anyway. The other person will probably have a shoe in her right temple, but she isn’t part of your pack so forget her.

The moon here represents the sales you're after.

How about doorbusters? Let’s talk doorbusters. Most any store with some major sale will have specialty items on sale only to the first however-many customers that walk through the door. A Nintendo Wii at $100 for example (I don’t know of any sales like this, but just go with it). Only the first 50 customers are getting that insanely priced system, but a few hundred are going to line up expecting to be one of the first 50 since customers consistently don’t know how numbers work and throw logic out the window when they go shopping. Therefore, you need to make the tough call: Your first-stop store will be your primary goal. Be prepared to lose sleep because in some instances the only way to get in on these doorbuster specials is to be camped out like it’s for Queen tickets. You’re already tired from Thanksgiving, so bring a sleeping bag, a care package of turkey, and some Mad Libs and just plant yourself at the front of the line. Your shopping pack will come in handy once more for busting heads should anyone question your position at the head of the line.

But the biggest piece of advice I can send your way is the most vital: Do you really want to waste a perfectly good Friday? Studies have shown (I’d link to it, but what is this, National Geographic?) that while Black Friday sales appear to be the most amazing things heralded as the Second Coming of the Great Deal, most of said sales aren’t actually that great. Much of the time you’ll get suckered in to a store because they have rolling pins at an astonishing $1 a pin, but nothing else will be on sale. Still, you’ll end up spending nearly a hundred dollars on other things just to save a few bucks on a rolling pin. And then a month later that same rolling pin will be 50 cents. Black Friday is not really here for the shoppers; it is here for the corporations that prey upon shoppers.

It's a trap! Don't be fooled!

However, this is not to say that the employees are in any way responsible for anything that happens during your shopping experience. They are innocents, much like the newly birthed Bambi, and you should treat them as such. Doomed employees, as no customer will heed my words, I recommend sawed-off shotguns and crucifixes. Lots and lots of crucifixes.

As for me, I will be staying inside where it is warm and safe and where the Thanksgiving leftovers are in full supply. I might even play a video game or two. But that’s just me. What are your Black Friday plans? Do you have a sale you’d like to tip everyone off to? Or a favorite store that always delivers the goods? Post a comment and spread the word. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find some maternity pants for Thanksgiving.

Want more How To articles? Check these out:

-How To Game Correctly

-How To Lose With Dignity

-How To Beat Your Friends In Board Games

The End is Nigh: A Review of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1

Gus Townson — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 13:00:57 +0000

Wow. Just… wow. Call me mad, but I think we have quite an astounding feat here. The Harry Potter movies have got to be the most persevering franchise of this generation, bar none. I grew up watching these movies, and you know what, they’ve been fun. All of them. None of them I will admit are perfect, yet none of them I can say are downright terrible either. Some have obviously been better than others, and while it’s always been a struggle to adapt J.K. Rowling’s original vision, what’s really important, the heart and spirit behind Harry Potter and this magical story, has been there for a good 6, now 7, movies. With the first half of the final chapter finally upon us, it’s time to see what exactly all this hard work and perseverance has lead to.

Oh, the memories. I already have wrackspurts… I mean Goosebumps.

To begin, as far as plot goes, I have no qualms with declaring that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 is possibly the most faithful page-to-screen adaptation of all the Harry Potter movies to date. Every single quintessential scene worth mentioning from Chapters 1-23 of J. K. Rowling’s original book, give or take a ghoul or two, is present and accounted for. For that, I believe we can thank all those whiny purists for throwing such huge hissy fits for how much got cut/altered in the last film, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Which REALLY wasn’t that bad of a movie, dammit). Now, I’m not going to penalize this film for following its source material, but I feel it’s worth mentioning that I was actually quite curious to see if and what changes they would have made, because for many readers, Chris Pranger included, the first half of The Deathly Hallows isn’t exactly a highlight of the series. We have this huge conflict that is erupting: The Minister of Magic is killed, the Death Eaters take over Hogwarts School, and He Who Must Not Be Named is hot on the trail for the weapon that will make him invincible. This all sounds great, except we only see glimpses of it, because the movie is busy showing us our three heroes hiding from said conflict so they can make some progress in their little scavenger hunt that’s eventually suppose to pay off in the next movie.

Meanwhile, Hades, Admiral Zhao, and the Red Queen are busy showing off how awesome it is to be evil to the rest of the wizarding world.

This would be a problem if you don’t enjoy watching Harry, Ron, and Hermione camping out, scheming, plotting, fighting amongst themselves, and getting back together just in time to figure out how to destroy the horcruxes, but fortunately for me, I do. You get three personalities, whose friendship we’ve seen evolve through the course of six movies, mixed with the symbolism of a wizard born, a half born, and a muggle born all fighting together for one common goal. It’s at the point where I can’t even pick a favorite anymore. All three of them are likeable, endearing, and sympathetic in their own way, and likewise for the two actors and actress who play them. I believe a lot of the appeal for me comes from the fact that these actors are my exact age: Dan Radcliffe (Harry) and I are the same, Rupert Grint (Ron) is a year older, and Emma Watson (Hermione) is a year younger. I know I don’t really know these guys in the slightest, yet I feel like I have literally grown up with them, seeing them improve their performances with each passing film in what has culminated almost half of our… I mean ‘their’ entire lives devoted to this franchise. On behalf of an entire 9-year-long legion of fans, I only wish I could give them a whole-hearted “thank you” for sticking with something so ambitious and so ridiculously demanding for so long.

Just a little further guys! You’re almost there!

The rest of the cast are all here, and just as awesome as you remember them: The half-giant, the mad eye, the good werewolf, the bad werewolf, the twins, the loony girl, even the elves make their long waited return. And just when you thought there were enough characters, we have a few new ones, including finally seeing Ron’s oldest brother, the loony girl’s father, the late Dumbledore’s rival whom you might remember the name to from a certain chocolate frog card, and some sleaze whose only purpose is to make things more difficult than they already were.

Visually, the movie without a doubt brings the pages to life. The set pieces are astounding, and there are a good handful of high intense action scenes that make the most of the film’s top-notch special effects. I won’t give away anything, but one in particular I found quite surprising happens when our heroes discover the identity of the Deathly Hallows themselves. Check it out, it’s pretty sweet.

Before I end this review, I think it’s important that I bring up the slight controversy surrounding the decision to split the final chapter into two halves in the first place. While you can look at it as if the people at Warner Bros. are being cheapskates looking to cash in on double the showings, keep in mind this is the ending of a franchise that’s been going on for almost a decade now. After what I just saw, and the amount of detail director David Yates put into following the source material so closely, I strongly get the feeling that the creators have the best intentions. They could have churned out the final chapter in one film, and it would feel severely rushed, with all the finer details and plot threads not getting the closure they disserve. No, they want to finish these films off the right way. With that being said, is the ending a cliffhanger? Merlin’s Beard yes. Does it leave you wanting more? Of course it does. But is it still obvious enough that those of us who’ve read the book should have seen it coming a mile away? I would hope so. In fact, I remember months ago my friends and I speculating on when Part 1 would end, and low and behold it was EXACTLY where I predicted it would be. If only I was playing the lottery on that.

As of now, all of you have probably made up your mind already whether or not you’re going to see this movie, and there is really little I could say to change your mind. With that being said, not bad. Not bad at all. Good job David Yates. Great job Dan, Rupert, and Emma. Awesome job everyone else. All that’s left now is for us to wait another 8 months for the final showdown, when I get to see, [not so] SPOILER ALERT, a certain nerdy character take a certain magical weapon to a certain hideous creature’s head in a certain bad@$$ fashion.

Want more movie reviews? Check these out:

-Scott Pilgrim vs My Movie Review

-“But The Effects Were Decent”: A Review of The Last Airbender

-Forget-Then-Not: A Review of Toy Story 3

Ten Radical Ninja Turtle Action Figure Side Characters

Chris Pranger — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 13:00:53 +0000

While searching through the archives at the Virtual Ninja Turtle Museum for really cool Ninja Turtle outfits, I came across a ton of really, really awesome action figures that I couldn’t mention due to the limitations of the list parameters. Therefore, it’s time for another list focusing on only the side characters released via the toy line. The rules are very simple here. The only figures I’m considering are figures that aren’t the four Turtles, April, Splinter, Shredder, Bebop, Rocksteady, or Krang. So basically, any figure that isn’t considered part of the main cast. That said, here they are, and we can thank the original comics for a bunch of these.

10. Triceraton:

A space triceratops? Oh boy, this is gonna be a good lsit!

An anthropomorphized triceratops is pretty cool, but give him some powerful looking blasters and metallic body armor and we’re set for a winner. I had a Triceraton in my collection of action figures and found it to be a perfect villain character since it looked tough and could fling Turtle figures using its horns. Also, anyone who read the original Mirage Comics run of TMNT can attest to how brutal the Triceratons can be, so what better foe for the Turtles to battle? Also, you could pop off his tail, leading to some epic battle wounds. Sold.

9. Hothead:

Why don't we get this amount of detail on kids toys anymore?

I’d never heard of Hothead until Tournament Fighters for the NES, a staggeringly bad fighter with pitiful few fighters and terrible controls. Of the seven fighters, one was Hothead, a dragon. I was never lucky enough to get the Hothead action figure as a kid, but just look at him! It’s a dragon action figure! That’s sweet! And from the looks of it he’s a shogun-style dragon, giving him a classy quality. This is a figure that could work as both a friend or a foe, or even neither, making it versatile. Really though, any figure could go either way, and that’s what made these Also Rans so needed.

8. Doctor El:

Ah yeah, let's hear it for crazy ideas turned into great toys!

We jump from a dragon to an elephant? Yup, and he’s a witch doctor at that. Late in the action figure line was a breeding ground for some truly bizarre additions to the Turtle clan, allowing something as strange but perfect as Doctor El here. It’s the concept here that sells me on the figure, as a witch doctor is a unique character to throw into the mix of already strange characters. Now I had a reason to take Safari Mike into the jungles, or more specifically, I had either an ally or an enemy for him to fight once he got there. Plus, just look at that headdress. Pure win.

7. Monty Moose:

I would totally join the Mounties if Monty was real.

Like the Triceraton before him, Monty Moose was a beast of a figure with antlers. True, seeing a moose dressed as one of the Mounties is incredibly silly, but it resulted in an action figure with vibrant colors and striking features, so I was totally okay with it. Besides, a moose was absolutely not the first option you’d think of for new animals to mutate, so having one appear and be excellent was a treat. Now the mountain-related missions had a perfect addition to the cast, and with action figures, more is always better, no matter how silly the combination.

6. Ray Fillet:

He's like a manta super hero!

Oh yeah, this guy was one of my favorites as a kid. Let’s begin with the name as a starting point for why. Just say “Ray Fillet” a few times. Doesn’t it feel good to say? Okay, maybe just me as a kid, but then comes the second aspect of the figure: He’s a manta ray and therefore has something resembling wings. Sure, mantas are most at home in water, but I didn’t let that stop me from saying Ray could glide through the air on occasion. I even had a Turtles book with this side character appearing, and it was one of my favorite books just because I hardly ever saw the other characters appear, so it was always a treat when they did.

Yet another character who could have survived on his own.

5. Mondo Gecko:

This epitomizes the 90's.

Skateboards! Yes! The majority of my plotlines revolved around Mike and his trusty sidekick, Mondo Gecko, fighting the Foot Clan all by themselves and foiling Shredder without much trouble. The Mondo/Mike team-up made so much sense to me back then and just as much sense to me now seeing as how Mondo appears very much like the outward appearance of Mike’s personality, assuming Mike was a gecko instead of a turtle. Mondo would stand atop his skateboard and cruise around, even gaining flight when it felt like the right thing to do. I have pictures somewhere of me adding Mondo Gecko to Turtle scenes, purely because I considered him the Fifth Turtle instead of that lame Venus chick that showed up in The Next Mutation.

4. Usagi Yojimbo:

Go read Usagi's original comics! They're just as good as TMNT comics!

If you haven’t read any Usagi Yojimbo by Stan Saki, go rectify this error right now. You’ll see a Comic Book Club about the series soon, but for now, SAMURAI RABBIT! Usagi Yojimbo is what makes the Turtle action figures so great, allowing for a crossover to happen mid-comics and then yield wonderful action figures as a result. Usagi is a ronin who travels the land kicking all of the butts with samurai skills, and here is no different. It really is tough to think of something cooler than a samurai rabbit. How can that be topped?

3. Space Usagi:

"AHH! I LOVE MY LIFE!" -Childhood Chris

How about a SPACE SAMURAI RABBIT?! Once I got Space Usagi I felt that Shredder was no longer fit to be an ultimate villain character, at least not while Space Usagi upstaged him in dramatic capes and helmets. He even came with a carrot gun. That’s just- there are no words for how great that is. I’d spend hours just looking over the standard Usagi and then to the space version, noticing the differences and similarities. Pretty much this was just a reskinning of the other version but I didn’t care, Space Usagi was radical.

2. Fugitoid:

The most versatile robot this side of Rosie.

But then along came a robot with attachments galore. Fugitoid first appeared in the comics alongside the Triceratons as an intergalactic fugitive on the run for…something or another, I forget what. In my day-to-day plots, Fugitoid was just a seriously cool robot with a chest that opened up, allowing you to plug in a blaster to the open chest cavity. In fact, you could place the special chest blaster in the chest, plug in his other accessories to the pegs jutting from his arms and legs, and still allow him to hold a space pistol. He also moved unlike any other figures I owned, making him feel special for some reason. But even Fugtitoid couldn’t quite live up to the single greatest figure ever created in the Ninja Turtle toy line.

1. Ace Duck:

Seriously, U of O should drop Donald and use this as their mascot.

He’s a duck. With a bomber’s jacket. And a removable pilot’s hat. And a revolver. And a belt with egg grenades. And he has wings. WINGS. What have I said about action figures that can fly? I hate heights, but I could never get enough of toys that I could make fly using just minimal effort via imagination. Ace Duck looks like he should have had his own comic series, TV show, and action figure line. I want to know more about this character. I only saw him once in the cartoon, and that shot was little more than a TV cameo. I wanted more! But sadly, I’d never get more, save for the adventures I invented in my bedroom. Ace Duck gets my seal of approval for Best Action Figure Ever.

See how awesome Ace Duck can be with a little imagination?

So which figures did I leave out? Did you have some favorites from the classic toy line that you played with over and over again? What about Genghis Frog? Or Metalhead? How about Wingnut? Tell me your favorites. In the meantime, I think it’s about high time Ace Duck flies again. Away I go!

Want more articles about action figures? Check these out:

-The Toys Are Back In Town Yet Again: Toy Story 3 Toys

-I Am Still Iron Man: Iron Man 2 Toys

-Creating My Own Sagas: Dragonball Z Action Figures

What You May Have Missed In October 2010

Chris Pranger — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 07:46:49 +0000

October is now over and with it leaves the articles of October. But did you get a chance to read them all? We had a lot of good ones to pick from this month, so if you’ve still got to catch up, now’s the time. Take a look back at October 2010 in review.

Chris’ Top Ten Favorite Video Game Soundtracks:

The very first of October began with a continuation of my previous lists regarding video game music. This time I went even broader and ranked my favorite soundtracks in video games. and oddly enough, it somehow coincided with an interview Kyle and I did with Daniel Floyd and James Portnow.

Gus’ Top 10 DBZ Relationships:

Because who can ever get enough Dragonball Z?

We were treated to a Week of Gus with a three-part Top 10 List involving Dragonball Z, one of my favorite subjects. In classic Gus fashion, his article was too long to post in a single day, so it was broken into three parts. It’s really a creative read, so go look into it if you want more DBZ-related goodness.

Just Stay Dead: A Review of Dead Rising 2:

Jumping into the busy game-release month, I took on the task of reviewing Dead Rising 2. In a nutshell, it’s better than the first game, but if you hated the first game, you’ll hate this one, too.

A Miserable Pile of Secrets: A Review of Castlevania: Lords of Shadow:

Next up, the new 3D Castlevania game. I really wanted to play it, but a lot of reviewers have complained about poor cameras and downright bad level design. Still, Patrick Stewart as a voice actor hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

Call of D-Oops, I Mean A Review of Medal of Honor:

I guess The Dude is into modern warfare now. Cool.

One of the largest titles to release in October, Medal of Honor, turns out to be exactly what we thought it’d be: A totally decent game that you won’t remember by this time next year. We also learn that for some reason, because I’m unprofessional, I eat crap sandwiches. Learn something new every day I suppose.

Monkey’s Life-Changing Trip: A Review of Enslaved: Odyssey To The West:

Gus comes back and reviews a game I honestly wasn’t paying attention to, but now really want to own: Enslaved: Odyssey To The West. Turns out it’s an awesome game that everyone should play and I want it for Christmas.

Chris’ Ten Favorite Video Game Trilogies:

Because I can never get enough lists, I give a rundown of ten video game series that stand out as examples of trilogies that don’t fail at any step. And then Gus harangues me for not picking some other choices. Thus is life.

Bad Games That Should Have Been Great: Fable II:

I hated Fable II. I thought it was a terrible game. So much so in fact that I decided to write a lengthy rant to just that effect. Even so, I held myself back from mentioning the shimmering trail of failure, the annoying gargoyles, or utter uselessness of doing anything in the game. It’s one of my favorite articles though, so please do read it.

Yet Another Pokemon Black & White Preview:

New Pokemon, but plot? Not so much.

Because just one preview isn’t enough, I do a second one. Pokemon Black & White Versions have now been out in Japan long enough to know everything about them, so I was capable of judging the game in a more in-depth manner. Read on to see what you can expect from the new adventure like the old adventures.

10 Awesome Ninja Turtle Action Figure Outfits:

Finally following up my first TMNT action figure list for over a year ago, I dive into a listing of ten really awesome Ninja Turtle action figures. I’m always into writing about Ninja Turtles, so read it if you are, too.

Forget-Me-Nots: Halloween-Turned-Toys!

Kyle returns at last with a new article, this month covering some of the perks of Halloween costumes: The accessories. He highlights a few choices of Halloween props that become excellent toys year-round, so give it a read.

And that’s all we saw in October. What’s up for November? Well, a review of Fable III is up early, as well as a list from Gus. Later we’ll have another edition of Bad Games That Should Have Been Great regarding Star Fox Adventures, a list of bad things comics do, Tips From a Grandmaster on Super Mario Bros 3, and who knows what else! Tune in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for new articles because you never really know what gold we’ll farm next.

Forget-Me-Not: Halloween-Turned-Toys!

Kyle Martinak — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 13:00:43 +0000

Halloween is important to kids because it encourages a special form of play: role-playing. On October 31, everyone can be anybody they want. An added bonus, however, is the idea of keeping that costume or prop to play with.

I had a great alien costume when I was 10. Big rubber mask, cult-like emerald robes, and a little device with flashing lights and whirring noises. Well, the mask was always good for scaring my brother around corners, and it also made for a great target once I got into Nerf guns and filmmaking. The robes worked for several other costumes later down the road, as well as the inevitable Jedi fantasy.

Favorite Halloween costume/toy of Chris Pranger.

The important memories come from Halloween weapons, though. You see them every year down that seasonal aisle, and they are always the same. There are machetes, scythes, tridents, ninja weapons, and swords. Oh, the swords. The best ones have scabbards that go on your belts. Kids love katanas, rapiers, and especially broadswords (they favor the imprecise, full-body swings of children). Swords are great around Halloween because they aren’t standard in the toy aisle year-round. Of course, Nerf has changed that recently with their N-Force line of foam-padded melee weapons. They have one-handed swords, double-handed broadswords, and even battle axes and maces.

Guns are great, too. Chances are that the Halloween guns are better than the garden variety gun toys. They make noise or light up, sure. But they also have movement, and realistic looks. Plus the costume provides a neat place to put them. I’m a personal fan of the garter belt gun and holster that can be found in lots of costume shops and party stores around this month. Ever go as a cowboy/girl or a cop for Halloween? The best part is that you get a gun, and a holster. Guns are pretty easy to find, but kids want to play the role properly. A gunslinger cannot shout “Draw!” without a holster. Cops can’t hold their gun and handcuff a perp at the same time.

Bonus points if you grab two of these and rock John Dillinger as a costume.

That reminds me…handcuffs! While they look good hanging from a belt, they live on after the holiday as something neat to mess with. I distinctly remember handcuffing myself to the handle of a sliding-glass door, and trying to retrieve the keys in some creative manner. My mom taught me at a young age to dress as a cop and handcuff my stuffed animals. Here’s a big hint for parents: My brother and I once went as a cop and a crook, and my parents made sure we stayed together by handcuffing us! Brilliant parenting? Perhaps. Slightly cruel? Maybe so. Effective? Absolutely.

I realize that kids have too many devices and high-tech stuff nowadays. Do little girls still play dress-up? If so, Halloween is kind of a no-brainer. Tiaras, faerie wings, Hanna Montana wigs (I do not endorse that last one), or doctor kits and pirate hats. It’s all reusable.

Halloween is a kid day. Remember that, because my girlfriend (psychology major) tells me that role playing is good for child development. Unfortunately, the candy is bad for teeth. You take the good, you take the bad. You take ‘em both and there you have…Halloween.

p.s.- True stuff, I saw a group of girls dressed as the cast of “Facts of Life” one Halloween.

Want more articles laced with chuildhood memories? Check these out:

-Guys and Dolls: A Male’s Retrospective on Barbie

-Sweet Memories of Childhood Cars: A Matchbox Retrospective

-5 Arcade Cabinets I’d Like To Own

10 Awesome Ninja Turtle Action Figure Outfits

Chris Pranger — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 13:00:11 +0000

Has it already been over a year since I posted one of my favorite articles, my list of the 10 Most Ridiculous TMNT Action Figures? In searching for the strangest, I also found some of the coolest, but alas, I never got around to showing those. Until now anyway. In the spirit of Halloween, I decided it would be in everyone’s best interest to take a look at Ninja Turtle action figures again, but more specifically, the action figures with the coolest and therefore best outfits. Which ten are going to make my list? Check them out for yourself! It’s 10 Awesome TMNT Action Figure Outfits!

And a huge thank you to The Virtual Ninja Turtle Museum for their help with images and a clear archive. I wouldn’t have been able to pull off this article without them!

10. Slap Shot Leo:

Turtles participating in sports? How absurd!

The Turtles had a bunch of figure lines featuring them in sports uniforms along with the appropriate equipment to go along. Slap Shot Leo was a figure I was totally into as a kid because hockey seemed really cool to me, even more so that Leo had ice skates on. Haven’t I made it pretty apparent before that action figures with some mode of built-in transportation are cool? Ice skates were cool to me. And even better, this is hockey we’re talking about, so it would make perfect sense for Leo to go straight from the game to busting heads, assuming it’s not within the same game. Go hockey!

9. Raph, The Magnificent:

Abra kadabra, and now your nose is BROKEN!

If we remember my Ridiculous Turtle Action Figures list, I placed Mike dressed as a clown pretty high. He was terrifying on some strange level, but Raph The Magnificent is the opposite: He’s awesome on some strange level. Perhaps it is the rabbit concealed in his hat. Perhaps it is his rockin’ mustache. Perhaps it’s just seeing a Ninja Turtle with coat tails. But on the most basic level, these are ninjas we’re talking about, and adding magic only functions to make them better at being ninjas. Raph with the power of illusion only makes sense in some glorious universe.

8. TD Tossin’ Leo:

The NFL would be so much cooler if there were more ninjas actively playing.

Coming from the same figure line as Slap Shot Leo, TD Tossin’ Leo is even more aggressive, even missing a bunch of teeth and wearing a ripped-up jersey. It’s clear that he plays full-contact football, none of this two-hand-touch crap. Suckers got smeared when Leo picked the long bomb, and though we never got Runningback Mike or Defensive Line Don, Leo was enough to suffice the violent sports urge all young boys had and most never grew out of. Even cooler: he came with a full helmet. The more accessories the better, and an easy-on, easy-off helmet was more than welcome for a TMNT action figure. I don’t know who’d win in a fight between TD Tossin’ Leo and Slap Shot Leo, but it’d be a good fight.

7. Power-Punchin’ Rocksteady:

Moma said knock you out. Also, mama was a rhino, so she knew these things.

Immediately upon seeing Rocksteady decked out in boxing gear my brain jumped to Punch-Out!! Boxing, yet another sport, is also a sport based ENTIRELY around beating the ever-loving crap out of your opponent. Sure, matches can be decided on a point system, but no one remembers those as fondly as matches won with a TKO or a referee running in and saying, “No more or he’ll bleed out of his ears!” Strapping boxing gloves to Rocksteady’s mitts only allows him to punch harder, sending Turtles sprawling. He’s like King Hippo, Balrog, and TJ Combo mixed into one excellent rhino-shaped package!

6. Safari Michelangelo:

Gold star if I get through this caption without making a lame Australian joke. And success!

Truth be told I probably wish I’d grown up in Australia. I have no clue why, but I love the accents and the outback outfits. What the image up there doesn’t show are the various accessories Mike had to go with his outback safari, the best of which was probably a huge gun connected to a water-filled backpack (shaped like an angry monkey of course), which when squeezed sprayed water at whichever enemies seemed to really hate water. Hey, Shredder wears a bunch of metal, and that stuff rusts, so sure, water works. He also came with a hunting knife, a bit of a shock to me. It was shocking because most times any Ninja Turtle came with a knife or a gun, it’d be shaped like something wacky. In this instance it just looked like a real knife. Sweet!

5. Creature From The Black Lagoon Leo:

Who knew that the creature from the Black Lagoon was actually just a turtle?

Not one but two action figure lines came out with Turtles as Universal Studios Monsters, and of the eight produced, Creature From The Black Lagoon Leo is the best. Really, all he looked like was a further-mutated Ninja Turtle, but I was all for it. Bigger hands for smacking and red eyes for glaring made this a must-have for me. And I never owned it! What a disappointment my childhood was! Oh well, at least I owned the four remaining figures on this list.

4. Pro Pilot Don:

Fighter pilots are awesome and nearly extinct. Enjoy them while you can!

Of the two Mutant Military series released, the first was immensely better seeing as how it had Raph dressed as a green beret, Leo decked out in Desert Storm attire, and Mike sporting the naval look, machinegun-toting bird in tow. But those three paled in comparison to Pro Pilot Don, a figure that came with a pretend parachute that strapped to his backpack. It looked pretty simple, but using my superior childhood imagination, I imagined that the parachute allowed him to fly. And as the rule goes: Flying toys are always better than non-flying toys. Also included was a helmet with a breathing mask, just like he’d wear in a fighter jet. Oh, and each Mutant Military figure came with a miniature American flag. Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

3. Pterano Don:

He comes from a prehistoric land down under. ...Oh wait, dang it!

What’s the rule? “Flying toys are always cooler than non-flying toys.” Pterano Don is what you get when you mix Donatello with a pterodactyl, meaning that Donny gets huge wings and a head that looks like he can rend metal like a can-opener. Pterano Don is a beast, pure and simple. I played with him so much that one of the wings fell off and I had to reattach it/play less roughly with my super awesome Ninja Turtles. He was even quite a bit larger in stature and height than all the other Turtles figures I owned, making him a more commanding presence in the ongoing plotlines my homemade series would endure. Just looking at the other figures in the line, all of which were crossed with dinosaurs, only Don stands out as a really cool action figure. The others feel lacking. Except maybe mixing Shredder with a tyrannosaurus, though that only really succeeded in making him look like a Street Shark reject.

2. Cave Turtle Raph With Tubular Pterodactyl:

Please take note of the mask on the pterodactyl, because the pterodactyl is also a ninja.

Yes, more flying toys and yes, more pterodactyls. The Turtles had a series where they were prehistoric in nature and rode around on happy-go-lucky dinosaurs Flintstones style. Once I got Raph I was all set as he came with the pterodactyl, making every adventure he starred in comprised of 95% flying and 5% getting to his pterodactyl so he could continue flying. Eventually the harness strap broke off the pterodactyl, meaning no turtle could really ride him anymore. I was more or less fine with this and allowed him to stand alone as his own character, talking and wisecracking just as you’d expect. So what could possibly outdo two pterodactyls in a row?

1. Super Don:

The greatest thing ever! Too Much Awesome!

Try adding Batman to the equation. Yeah, that sure does spike things in the awesome department by a wide margin, doesn’t it? Of this series, Don was garbed in Batman-like attire whereas Mike looked vaguely Superman-esque. Both were great, but Don came with a wrist-attached baterang-launcher (it was fake but it looked cool). I played like it was a grappling hook, a laser, and a stun gun, and each time I loved it more. But could he fly? Yes, whenever I felt like allowing him to fly. This is just one cool toy, the likes of which we may never see again.

These are just ten of dozens of awesome outfits the Turtles have worn over the years. Do you have a favorite that I didn’t mention? Leave a comment and let me know. In the meantime, I need to figure out a way to craft a Super Don outfit in time for Halloween. Excelsior!

Want more Ninja Turtle articles? Check these out:

-Forget-Me-Nots: The TMNT Pizza Power Board Game

-Go Green Machine! A Ninja Turtle Video Game Retrospective

-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Best Action Figures Ever

What You May Have Missed In September 2010

Chris Pranger — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 07:31:24 +0000

Now that we’re knee deep into October, many of us are beginning to forget about September. And why not? October has Halloween, whereas September traditionally has back-to-school, one of the worst times in the history of ever. Seriously, does anyone enjoy heading back to school? If you do, I don’t really want to know, but I bet you’ll be making a lot more than me in about…right now actually. Remember to stay in school and don’t do drugs, because as all the cool games used to tell us, “Winner Don’t Use Drugs.” Sorry, tangent. It happens. Anyway, don’t write off September completely. Here are the articles in September you may have missed.

Samuses Should Be Seen, Not Heard: A Review of Metroid: Other M:

Directly following my short Metroid Retrospective, I got to the review of Metroid: Other M, the newest adventure in Samus Aran’s career as a bounty hunter. This title had a lot of controversy around it, most noteworthy the amount of dialogue Samus had, breaking a long-standing Metroid tradition of keeping her silent. Overall the gameplay was solid, but the story may need some work. Give it a look to know for sure.

Let’s Think Deep: The Used Games Dilemma:

Dude Huge probably doesn't appreciate my decision to include him in the article, but whatever, dude's got a sweet life so let him complain.

THQ recently placed itself in the spotlight of the industry by drawing a line in the sand between game developers and gamers purchasing used games. Therefore, I wanted to weigh in on the situation. Read the article for my thoughts on the subject.

How To Operate A Touch Screen Properly:

We recently lost Kyle as a full-time writer due to time conflicts, but that doesn’t mean Kyle has left our minds (he is my best friend after all). Here’s his last article for a while, a simple How-To guide on touch screens since so many of us need the help. I know I did.

PAX Prime 2010 Wrap Up:

After Kyle and I returned from this year’s PAX Prime, I made it a point to rub it in via a Monday article. To hear about what I thought about the event, read the article. Shorthand version: It was awesome.

No Freaking Way: A Duke Nukem Forever Preview:

Duke came back, and it was a time to rejoice.

As unbelievable as it was to see, Duke Nukem Forever was not only viewable at PAX, it was playable. Here’s what I thought about the game as it currently stands.

Let’s Think Deep: The Great Zelda Schism:

Probably my current favorite Let’s Think Deep, I go into the mental reasoning behind the way Old Zelda fans tend to act. Keep in mind, this isn’t an article about agreeing with Old Zelda fans, just an article to help you understand Old Zelda fans. Critical difference that become lost as I argued in the comments.

How To Reach The Masses: A Halo: Reach Review:

Adding another article to my series of “Reviews You Didn’t Need,” I give the highlights of Halo: Reach, one of the most anticipated games of this year. Expect to see this one topping the Game of the Year lists in December, as boring as it may be.

How To Lose With Dignity:

Taking a step back from reviews, news, or deep thought, I decided it was time to teach players how to lose with dignity. A must-read for anyone that considers themselves a fan of my writing, all…one of me I suppose.

My Top Twenty Favorite Video Game Tracks:

How could you turn down music like this?

In an article that spanned a Monday and a Wednesday (the thrilling conclusion here), I got a musical bug up my tail and decided to make a list of my favorite video game tracks. The list ended up being close to 70 or more, so I whittled the list down to twenty for the list. These are the definitive BEST tracks, just the ones I tend to like. Merely a suggestion to anyone looking to see what other music choices they haven’t considered.

My Top Ten Favorite Battle Themes:

Continuing on my music week, I spewed out another ten favorites in the category of game music, subgenre Battle Themes. Once more, a list meant for encouragement of discussion regarding favorites, not the end-all beat-all list of perfects seeing as how there are no perfect lists for music. Still one of my favorite series of top ten lists though.

Bad Games That Should Have Been Great: Dead Rising:

Starting another new features (I seem to start one a month now), I selected a game I recently played and proceeded to bully it without mercy, turning Capcom’s Xbox 360 title Dead Rising into my whipping boy for everything wrong with a a game. And just in time for the sequel to come out, too. Don’t expect this to be the last in this feature (Fable II, I’m looking at you!).

I Suppose Yarn Is Epic Now: A Preview of Kirby’s Epic Yarn:

Finally in September, I got around to giving my full impressions of a game I’d played at the beginning of the month. Shame on me. Oh well, for my reasoning behind telling you to preorder Kirby’s Epic Yarn, read the full preview.

And that’s the recap of September. Stay tuned for October where there will be a Top Ten List of Video Game Trilogies, a number of high-profile reviews, a sequence of hateful sentences regarding Fable II, and even a second preview of Pokemon Black & White, already released in Japan. Oh, and Halloween, so there’s bound to be something in that!

How To Lose With Dignity

Chris Pranger — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 13:00:34 +0000

I am a winner. I win most everything I choose to participate in. I win at video games, I win at board games, I win at card games, I win at guessing games. I win Christmases, birthdays, Halloweens and Passovers. I win at life. But even I, a winner of everything, am not exempt to that which is most foul: Losing. It is inevitable that one must lose, either before a record-breaking winning streak or directly following one. It is just the way of things, for there cannot be victories without defeats. However, there are actions you can take to insure even if you lose, you can win. Yes, I will teach you how to win losing. This is How To Lose With Dignity.

You can trust me, I have an entourage. Do you have an entourage? I didn't think so.

The first step you must face when encountering a situation that looks like you could have lost regards assessing whether you have truly lost. Many times, your own sense of self-doubt will kick in and assume that you have failed. Do not be so quick to rush into defeat. Stop for a moment and look very closely in front of you. If you are playing Chess, is your King really in Checkmate? If you are playing poker, is your hand really a losing hand? If you are playing a video game, does your screen clearly show that you have been defeated? There is always time to stop and inspect when one is faced with the possibility of a loss. Remain calm and collected and never let your opponent suspect that they have won.

If your preliminary investigation reveals that, yes, you have lost, continue to remain calm. Has the other player come to the same conclusion? If not, don’t give him any ideas. Simply continue on as if you’ve only just begun to fight. If it dawns on your opposition later that they had already won, simply remark, “Ah, but you didn’t call me on it, so we may never know.” Unless they can rewind time, a feat that is highly unlikely, your loss will be entirely swept under the rug in favor of your assumed victory.

And swagger. Always swagger. Just like Ducreux here.

However, if your opponent is not a simpleton and they notice you have lost, once more, continue remaining calm. Question their judgment coyly yet firmly. “Oh, am I now? Are you sure about that? I don’t remember your pieces being able to move like THAT. Do you?” Allow doubt to seep into their head. “Are you REALLY sure the game ends when the other player is out of money? Oh ho, tut tut, is THAT how you’ve always played?” It’s important that you are using a high-class, sophisticated voice for this part. Imagine yourself with a monocle and a glass of brandy, swilling it to and fro as you eye your enemy. This step is very important, more so than some may think. While the goal is to allow doubt to overtake your foe in the immediate moment, planting the seed of discontent to be awakened later when they are alone is equally as satisfying, thinking of them tossing and turning as they sleep, forever wondering if they have been wrong this whole time and Knights can’t jump pieces. A loss now may mean a victory later. More on that in a bit.

We can safely assume that at this point you have indeed lost and your opponent has indeed come to the same rational conclusion. This is the difficult part, but it is vital that you don’t overplay your downfall. Congratulate your new “friend” with a hearty “Good show old bean.” Being gracious, if done properly, will throw them off guard and prepare you for your next move: Backhanded comments. “Good show old bean, we should play again when I care about winning.” Don’t be petty (“This game is stupid!”). Rather, remain suave in your actions. Thread all your backhanded compliments with silk. “That was a pretty good game. Not the BEST game I’ve ever played, but still not too bad I suppose…” Better yet, try saying, “Good game,” then look at your watch and say, “It’s for the best anyway, I’m late as it is.” This will imply that you’ve been rushed to play at less than your best, once more sowing the seeds of doubt in your opponents subconscious to make them think, “Did I REALLY beat him or did I just get lucky?”

Throw this out if you get the chance. Do it quick and often.

There are times when you may feel that this loss simply will not do, so you may forgo the attempts at getting away quickly. This can be risky, but if you choose to play again for honor’s sake, keep a few simple tactics in mind. The first is the rule of “Best of Three.” Everyone knows what Best of Three is, and no winner ever likes to hear it spoken. “Not bad, but shall we make it…BEST OF THREE?” This will throw them into a tailspin if they are weak spirited, especially when coupled with the psychological damage you should have inflicted previously. Be aware though that should you lose a Best of Three, you have failed forever. It is imperative that you beat them not just once, but twice in direct succession. Think carefully before making the attempt.

Yet, there is a way to eat your cake and have it as well. If you are playing a game that looks to be shifting in your opponent’s favor and you feel there is a good chance you are going to lose, throw the game. No not literally (although effective for situations most dire). Play the rest of the game sloppily. Make beginner errors. Ask for clarification of the rules. Do any and everything to make your opponent feel as if you are easy prey. Then, when you get the chance to spring a Best of Three on him, strike fast and strike hard. If performed properly, the other player will be stupefied as you demonstrate your abilities. They will surely feel as if you toyed with them during the last game, and with their confidence shot, dominating a Best of Three should be pie (wait, were we talking cake or pie?).

Sort of like this, except you want to be both the Alien and the Predator.

If nothing you do seems to work on your opponent, you must do what is most difficult: Realize that this person is better than you. They have beaten you and therefore deserve your respect. Not much, but just enough. Congratulate them and continue to talk about the game, specifically talking strategies. But wait! Don’t give your REAL strategies away. This is one more step toward winning next time. Listen carefully to strategies they use and really get inside their head so that you may better attack them when you play again. At the same time, feed them poor strategies in hopes that they will either use them in the future or attempt to defend against them, wasting pointless time. All battling for sport is 90% psychological and 10% actually playing. Would I lie about a statistic like that? Oh ho, tut-tut, don’t be silly.

Now you have the skills on hand to Lose With Dignity. On the other hand, if you are playing alone, act as childish and petty as you possibly can because, pff, who cares? Playing a video game on the hardest setting and die? Clearly the game was programmed poorly. Solitaire hit a stalemate? Meh, the probability breaks the fun of the game anyway. Can’t get the paddleball to work for you? “Eff this game.” Follow these simple steps and you too can learn how to win losing. It’s just that easy.

Want more articles like this? Check these out:

-How To Game Correctly

-Ten Ways The Real World Would Ruin Video Game Worlds

-Game Rentals: The Poor Man’s Guide

How To Operate A Touch Screen Properly

Kyle Martinak — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 13:00:10 +0000

Too many toys and gadgets and gizmos are shifting away from physical buttons and using virtual ones on the screen. Touch screens are mainstream now, thanks in part to certain cell phones and the Nintendo DS. But for some reason, lots of people out in the world haven’t grasped how to properly use them.

The Do’s

One should always remember that a touch screen must read and respond to messages from the operator. That takes plenty of computing power to do, especially when lots of power is used to keep the screen lit. It may take a second or two.

Like magic, but it takes practice.

Handle a touch screen like you would a glass of water: delicate (otherwise the glass breaks/the touch screen dies slowly) but firm (so the glass does not slip/so the touch screen reads your messages clearly).

The Don’ts

Do not stab violently at the delicate machinery, nor do not gingerly swipe with the very tip of your nerve endings. Nor do not saw the air too much with your hands, thus…wait, that’s from something else entirely.

The point is, a touch screen is exactly what it is. You touch it, but it is also a screen (give a penny to the smart writer, now). People are either afraid of touching screens due to conditioning, or they brazenly jab at them, thinking that they must be structurally sound.

The Tools

A stylus is your best friend, depending on the device that features a touch screen. But styluses can also cause problems. Anyone ever try to sign your name on a touch screen debit card machine? Yep, that’s the kind of problem we’re talking about here.

It's simple, but yet again, it takes some practice.

The original DS came with a “thumb cap” accessory, which would be ingenious if it worked well enough. The problem is that touch screens only respond well to the sharp point of a stylus, or the warmth of human touch. I wouldn’t be surprised if the thumb cap gets a re-do in a year or two.

The Drawbacks

For a person like me (I have what guitarists and ASL experts call “stupid fingers”), touch screens are a big problem. I continually hit the backspace button on my phone when I try hitting “M.” It becomes a game of one step forward, two steps back.

To add to the headache, touch screens drain batteries on phones, music players, etc., especially if there is a zoom feature. Personally, I wish that Apple would integrate a real keyboard on my iphone. Then it would be close to perfect for me.

To conclude, touch screens aren’t a necessary step forward in technology. They are a fun novelty, and if you aren’t having fun with that novelty, you just shouldn’t have one. It isn’t worth it. I guess it may be a good thing that the next big vogue is going to be motion controls. I look forward to a world where we all swipe at menus too violently or too soft, like Tom Cruise in “Minority Report.” At least we’ll look cool while getting frustrated.

Want more articles about instructions? Check these out:

-The Purity of Poker

-Game Rentals: The Poor Man’s Guide

-Tips From a Grandmaster: Super Mario Galaxy 2

Heading To PAX!

Chris Pranger — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 02:03:10 +0000

So Kyle and I are heading to PAX for a while to interview as many people as we can. How we got passes to PAX is a mystery all in itself, but the bottom line is that we’ll be doing and seeing some fun stuff, so we want to know if there’s anything you faithful readers want us to see while we’re there. Is there a game you’d like to know about or a developer you’d like to hear an interview from? Leave a comment and let us know. Otherwise, we’ll be back next week with even more new stuff.

Scott Pilgrim, Where Are You?

Chris Pranger — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:00:01 +0000

Not too long ago I wrote about one of the best comic books to read at this very moment, Scott Pilgrim. We’re nearing the long-anticipated movie starring Michael Cera, plus, the final chapter is out now…right? Well, there may be a problem. If you, like me, are having some trouble locating the final book, let’s rap.

Why aren't you here now? Why you gotta be like that, Scott?

If you check most anything official, Scott Pilgrim Book 6 has been released and wraps up Scott’s epic story. I’ve looked on the official Scott Pilgrim site, Oni Press’ publishing site, and a few other places. Amazon tells me the book’s out now. When I went to Barnes & Noble to read the new book so I could review it (I’m cheap, leave me be), what did I find? “Not being released until next month.”

Okay, that was troubling. A few other people had asked and the employees at the B & N really had no clue why since, according to their computers, the book clearly wasn’t getting released until August. So instead, I tried the next best thing: Borders. I zipped on over to the closest store and walked right to the comics and graphic novel section, immediately finding Scott Pilgrim Books 1-5 on a little platform. But no Book 6. Where was it?

And why aren't you kicking all of the butts right this very second?

The Borders rep told me that there was a mix-up of some sort up on the high, high executive level or something, saying that while it is SUPPOSED to be out right now, it most likely won’t be in for a few weeks. She wasn’t annoyed or anything, rather she looked just as confused as I did, not really knowing why the book wasn’t on the shelves to make me happy.

I had been hearing via Twitter or someplace else some rumblings from Bryan O’Malley, the writer/artist for Scott Pilgrim, that the book was out but because Oni Press is still a relatively small-time, independent publisher, there have been some hiccups. I figured my last great and reasonable option was to go to my local comic shop.

Lucky for me, an awesome comic shop, Emerald City Comics of downtown Eugene (you owe me ad money now Emerald City Comics), is more or less right across the street from me. I bopped on over and looked around, once more finding Books 1-5 without any problem. Then I asked the helpful employee what the deal was with Book 6 and this is roughly what she told me: “Book 6 won’t be released until after the movie comes out. They want to coincide the two releases. People that went to Comicon were able to see the movie and buy the book, but it’s not available anywhere else.”

Michael Cera, you better kick all of the butts right this very second.

There you have it: Book 6 won’t be widely available until after Scott Pilgrim vs The World premiers. This, naturally, makes me very sad because I don’t want to see the movie until AFTER I’ve finished the book series. And who wouldn’t? If you’ve been reading the series and it’s about to end, wouldn’t you rather finish your current plotstream rather than possibly get it confused with the movie’s? The movie reportedly follows the books very closely, but there are some changes, specifically around the ending.

I can understand the reasoning, but this is almost like Superman and Lois Lane coinciding their comic wedding with Lois and Clark: The Adventures of Superman, causing The Death of Superman in the process to stall for time. I don’t want to read the book after seeing the movie, but I want to see the movie when it opens. Which do I do? What are you going to do?

New Toy Law May Hurt Small Toy Companies

Chris Whitmore — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:20:12 +0000

In the last year, Congress has passed a new law concerning toy safety. After the recall of 45 million toys imported from China, the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act was passed in August 2008. when it goes into effect in February 2010, extensive testing will need to be done by all toy companies, big and small, to ensure that their products are 100% safe.

The law is being put into effect because many large toy companies use lead in their products. Lead can be harmful if accidentally ingested by children. Since so many large toy companies use lead in their products, these tests will be very beneficial. And even though the law is not yet in effect, some companies have already begun the testing. Sure, it might take a little more time for new products to be released, but that’s a small price to pay for the safety of the children.

Of course, it is important to look at both sides of the story. As stated, the new law will require all toy companies to adhere to the testing, including the small, independently-owned ones. For those like William John Woods of Ogunquit, Maine, the new law could deal a devastating blow.

Woods handcrafts each and every single toy he makes in his little shop. In the 35 years that he has been in the business, he claims that no child has ever been hurt by one of his products. That’s not to say that he should not be subject to the testing, but for someone who has always used safe materials to build his toys, it leaves him and other small toy company owners wondering why they were included in the law.

The large toy companies have their own laboratories in which they can test their toys. However, independent shops such as Woods’ will have to hire a third party to test the toys, costing them a great deal of money. If enough money is lost, it is possible that they won’t be able to continue making toys.

Since the law passed, many small toy company owners have banded together, writing letters to Congress hoping to be excluded from the law since they use benign resources. There’s no telling whether or not their efforts will be in vain, but they believe they must try, as it could be the end of many small businesses.

At the same time, though, it is important for parents to be completely sure that the toys they buy for their children are safe. As to which one is more important – well, I guess that’s up to Congress to decide.

Recently Recalled Toys – How to Stay in the Know

Mary Price — Thu, 28 May 2009 01:52:32 +0000

Build-a-Bear Beach Chairs have recently recalled over 250,000 folding chairs due to a laceration danger.

This is just one recall of many this year: how can you keep up? In this article I explore easy ways for concerned parents to stay on top of the news in regards to toy recalls.

The good news is that many companies are stepping up to be compliant with the CPSC toy safety regulations for 2010. The safety enforcement was set to begin in 2009, but the delay has been set to allow companies (especially smaller ones) and the CPSC to find ways to budget the necessary costs of the new required tests.

Still, while we wait for better laws, it’s a good idea to know where to get the information from the source.

The US Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) lists toy hazard recalls here. The most recent recalls are listed first. This page makes it possible to check listings from lots of manufacturers at once without visiting separate websites. The list also explains why the toy has been recalled.

When shopping at a physical store it’s possible to find out about recently recalled items too. Stores should post recalled items they have carried near the customer service area or at the checkout so that frequent shoppers are aware of recalled items. It is likely that older recall items will not be posted on the bulletin board, so checking the online resource is still a good option.

Safety is really a two-way street. So, if at any time a toy comes apart or a child is injured by a toy it is good to let the company know. This is the main way that recalls can be created from the public perspective. No one wants a faulty toy, especially if injury is possible. So, if that age appropriate toy pops apart under normal wear and tear be sure to report it.

World’s Biggest Toystore Coming to London

toy-tma — Fri, 08 May 2009 14:47:56 +0000

The UK is upping the anty, as we say in the US, with plans to build the world’s biggest toy store in South London.

Details have not been released to the public yet, but we do know that the large open-floor store will be called Grandpa Grey Goose. Kids and parents will be able to roam around the store freely, with access to hundreds of toys, games and activities.

The investment group behind this amazing toy multiplex is Vision Investment Ventures, who promise a new kind of toy shopping experience that combines safety and freedom to play.

Thanks to Toy News Online for the story.