I suppose I would. Poker is a lost skill. People my age spent twenty years learning exactly how to manipulate Tetris blocks, where the best place to shoot a zombie is (the head), and the insanely complicated rules of the Pokemon card game. Those same people never learned how to play poker in any form. If you are one, please follow my drift here; “Poker Face” is not just a pop song.

First lesson: This is usually a good hand to have.

The Different Games

Poker comes in many different variations. The simple Five Card Draw is what video poker is usually based on, and it is the easiest to learn. Start with that if you know little to nothing. We’re talking five cards for each player, and you try to create the best combination of cards. Don’t like the cards you were dealt? No biggie. You get one chance to draw new cards and discard lame ones. Simple, eh?

The more complicated games include Seven Card Stud. In this one, you get seven cards, and some are hidden from your opponents, while others are exposed. This is a much better game to play if you want to bluff, or play the player instead of the cards, but we’ll talk about that later.

I’m a personal fan of “Indian” Poker, which includes a card on each player’s forehead that they never see. The most popular game these days is, of course, Texas Hold ’Em. This game should be played by experienced poker players. It is the same concept as Five Card Draw, except you get two cards, and the rest of your hand is selected from a group of community cards on the table. The drawback to this game is that it is only interesting with a high amount of betting.

If you take the time, poker becomes so simple even classically painted dogs can play it.

Strategies

There are several things that a poker player needs in his or her arsenal in order to do well and enjoy the game. The first big thing is learning how to bluff. A bluff is not an outright lie or announcement of, “I have a really good hand and you will lose.” This does nothing but ruin the game. A skilled bluffer artfully and deliberately bets in a way that keeps others guessing. It is all about perceived risk.

This brings up a big discussion among card players: playing the cards vs. playing the other player. If you play poker, you can either strategize based on the cards in your hand, or you can play based on what the other players may have. The most skilled players can win a hand regardless of the cards because they can read other people and con them. Beginners should stick to playing the cards, however, because it helps teach them the fundamentals of the game, and it pays off about half the time.

If a player is a math genius (unlike me), they have a bit of an advantage. Factoring in the variety of cards in a deck, the number of hands, and the probability of what the next card will be, some Hold ‘Em players can predict what cards their opponents are holding. This is known in some circles as playing the odds, and it is risky. But knowing that there is a 34% chance of getting a flush versus your opponent’s 22% chance of getting the six-card that he wants may help your game.

Some things in life are just simple joys. Poker is one of those things.

The Purity

This is why poker is such a beautiful game. No one can claim electronic interference, or bugs in the system. It is a pure game of skill and luck combined for an extreme dose of entertainment. They say that the adrenaline highs and sorrowful lows of winning and losing at poker are more intense than cocaine…and they are less disgusting, illegal, and dangerous as well.

All a poker game requires is a table, a deck of cards, and some participants. It is the cheapest game system out there. Learn the lost skill now!

Want more articles on party games? Check these out:

-I Am Scattegories And You Can Too

-How To Beat Your Friends In Board Games

-Game Cards Do Not Actually Talk: A Guess Who? Retrospective

The best ideas really are the simple ones. Look at that funky-fresh font, too!

In 1969, an inventor by the name of Reyn Guyer approached Parker Brothers with an indoor volleyball idea. They weren’t interested in the game at all, but the soft foam ball that it included was a revelation. After all, how many parents would buy an inexpensive indoor toy that was safe for kids and mantelpiece chotchkies? A whole bunch of parents would. About four million, by the end of its debut year. Later on in toy history, Hasbro acquired Nerf when they bought out Tonka. Since then, Super Soakers (the fabled water gun that Chris and I have been squealing over) have been designated as Nerf products. I guess Hasbro has decided that a gun (Blaster) is a gun (Blaster, darn it).

While the original ball was made from polyurethane, the trademark foam that characterizes the product line has since been changed to a polyester mix with a special compound, and topped off with a carbon dioxide release. Sounds very scientifical, but it all amounts to one big detail: the carbon dioxide release is what causes the holes in the foam, making it light and soft.

Coming to a cubicle near you. Or possibly a waste basket, just to make file-destruction fun.

In 1972, a big staple of Nerf was released in the form of NerfHoop. Offices around the world became filled with cardboard-box backboards, plastic hoops, and ninnies trying to make a three-pointer from the water-cooler. Of course, they were shooting with a Nerf foam basketball.

This baby really brought new meaning to "long bomb." And it whistles...why not!

But the most lucrative toys to bear the Nerf name always will be the Nerf Blasters. Handheld toy guns, rifles, and even bow-and-arrows were developed primarily in the eighties. Each one fired foam darts, and came in gloriously bright colors.

My first Nerf Blaster. It had a super-secret barrel built into the grip...that they advertised on the side of the gun.

In the last few years, the Blasters have become so much more sophisticated, with entire arsenals being developed for more tactical battles. The Nerf N-Strike set now includes various beauties that still attract me in the toy aisles today. The genius of this product line is in the amount of customization and tactical choices that kids (of all ages, which includes me) can make.

There are different ammo types, ranging from slim, aerodynamic darts to flashy glow-in-the-dark ones to scare a burglar. Many of the N-Strike blasters come with rails for attachments (scopes, flashlights, extra ammo, etc.) and optional barrel extensions. Also, the folks over at Hasbro have finally eliminated the one drawback to Nerf Blasters: reload time. Instead of painstakingly gathering every dart, and loading each one manually into a Blaster—or worse, trying to find them in your pockets during a fight—the N-Strike rifles come with a hop-up magazine system. And every clip is universal for the other guns.

If there are two N-Strike weapons that really stand out, it is the Maverick pistol, and the Longshot C-6 sniper rifle.

The Maverick was a must-own for the dorky guys I hung out with in high school, because it is a Nerf revolver. That’s right, Dirty Harry is carrying foam ammo, suckers. Imagine the idiotic splendor of Russian roulette with Nerf. Yep, I did it.

Revolvers never go out of style. There's something romantic about them, even if they shoot foam darts.

As for the Longshot, I got so excited when I finally got to mess around with one. It has a bipod. It has a scope. It has a slot for an extra ammo clip. It also has a detachable barrel that becomes a back-up pistol. Did I mention that it works off of a spring-loaded bolt action, like a real sniper rifle? Don’t get me wrong, the scope and bipod are kind of rubbish, and the pistol part is useless, but any kid would be the proud owner of the three-foot-long behemoth.

I like to keep this one with me...for close encounters.

Kyle’s Big Idea: So, I’ve been kicking around the idea of a big, playful firefight with my buddies. Since laser-tag makes me sweat like Marlon Brando, and paintball is always full of jerks with their own equipment, I thought my future Bachelor Party should include an epic Nerf battle. This will be complete with slow-motion dodges, Oscar-caliber death scenes, and a mandatory Mexican Stand-Off. My arsenal will be thus: a Maverick revolver, an off-brand repeater rifle (made under the Air Blasters product name), and the newest N-Strike sniper rifle, the Longstrike CS-6.

Bah! Who came up with this?! Give that man a 21-dart salute...or maybe a 210-dart salute with this monster.

Why? Because we can. Now I have to practice my catchphrases from “Hot Fuzz,” since I’ll have enough firepower to rival an entire English village. Sure, I’ll get pelted a lot while trying to put on my sunglasses in a cool way, but that’s what Nerf teaches us: how to cope with being hit by projectiles…and how to hit that sucker back. Positive play, eh?

There he is. He could kick all of the butts.

We’ve hit our Friday of the week, and at the moment, Kyle and I are rather busy with some big things (we’re recording a separate, legit podcast with a very special guest). That means I’m going to keep today light and nostalgic, which lends itself to a Forget-Me-Nots, the segment Kyle came up with but we haven’t been doing enough with. For today then, join me as I remember one of my favorite toys as a youth: My Lone Ranger Action Figure.

Time for the timewarp. WOOSH! Okay, wavy lines and spacey music just kicked in, and now we’re in Chris’ childhood circa 1989. My grandmother, Grandma Barbara, probably one of the greatest grandmas the world has even seen, had one of the greatest rooms in the world known only as “The Toy Room.” You can probably surmise what was in this room, but for me, one of the coolest items was a simple Lone Ranger toy from even before I existed.

This is how he looked in my head.

The toy was nothing complex. Lone Ranger’s head could turn, his arms would move at the shoulder (though they were completely loose, so they couldn’t be put up and stay there), and his legs bent at the knee and the hip. Because his joints were so loose he could hardly even stand up, and he was missing his guns or his horse Silver, but for some reason I couldn’t get enough playtime with him.

I ended up taking the Lone Ranger toy from my grandmother, either by accident or design, and incorporated him into my daily routine. The most basic storyline I came up with involved the Lone Ranger and three G.I. Joes I owned, one of which was Lifeline. For the first few months I had the Lone Ranger fight the G.I. Joes until Lifeline became a good guy as well, making him my official Tonto. Does that make sense? Of course not, but I was five.

My plots were better than theirs.

As time went by, I eventually added more Joes to the mix, always as bad guys. More and more Joes showed up with new powers and such until I got one that looked like Chuck Norris, making him the ultimate villain, far beyond the Lone Ranger’s capabilities. This meant I had to add a new hero character, and because my child logic was unbiased, the only black Joe I had became the new most powerful and therefore coolest character in my storyline. I’d have the Lone Ranger hold back, instead just training the new guy (Lifeline was naturally jealous), until he had to step in and show he was still the strongest, ala Master Splinter. The Joes never did relent, but unfortunately my series was canceled before the final inevitable battle, so we’ll never know what happens.

While the Lone Ranger has become the Woody of my life, I know he’s still there in my closet should I ever decide to finish the fight. But there’s no way I’d ever let him go and pass him down to someone less than my own flesh and blood. Hopefully my son finds him as awesome as I did.

What're you lookin' at ya hockey puck?

He’s a staple of many childhoods. He’s a supporting character in a successful blockbuster series. He’s a family man. And he’s a snappy dresser, too. Mr. Potato Head has had a long history, and is one of the most famous and instantly recognizable toys in the world. How did this mustachioed vegetable rise to super stardom? Well, let’s take a look…under the tater skin.

A Starchy History

Back in 1950, toy inventor George Lerner devised a set of body parts that could be affixed to real vegetables in order to make funny little dolls. The pieces made their debut as a prize in breakfast cereal packages, and the lucky kids that received them had to find their own potato, yam, or other produce in order to put together a funny-faced man.

The concept really took off in 1952, however, when Lerner sold the idea to what would become Hasbro. The company released body part kits under the product name Mr. Potato Head, for $0.98 per kit. Kids still had to provide the potato, but the toy took off like a shot and sold over one million kits in that first year. This is due to Mr. Potato Head’s milestone marketing: the first toy to be advertised on television.

Fun fact, they actually tried to market Oscar the Orange and Pete the Pepper. For some reason, they didn’t catch on…hmm.

By 1953, Mrs. Potato Head was released, and a number of other variations surfaced. But it was in 1964 that the entire line of toys got a facelift. The molded plastic potato body was introduced, and food was no longer used for tomfoolery (or so parents thought). In 1975, unsurprisingly, the parts of the toy doubled in size to prevent children from choking on them. This sparked a sales boom from the toddler market, where ol’ Spud Head is found today.

Aw, he’s so jovial looking. Makes me want to cuddle with my baked potato before dinner…um, forget that last part.

The toy really hit a high point with the release of the first Toy Story film in 1995, in which he was a supporting cast member. Due to a marketing tie-in with Burger King, Mr. P.H. was also the hardest “kid’s meal” toy to find ever, as well as the spokes-spud for Burger King’s infamous change of their fry recipe in 1997.

These days, Potato Heads are offered in many varieties. In 2006, he was given a variety of careers and outfits like firefighter, chef, mermaid, and Santa Claus. Recent years have seen him dressing up like other Hasbro toys, with a Star Wars run of Darth Tater, Spud Trooper, and R2-POTAT-OO, and a Transformers-themed Optomash Prime and Bumble Spud. There’s also a Tony Starch (Iron Man), Taters of the Lost Ark (Indiana Jones), and even a Spider-Spud/Peter Tater variant.

Wow, that is high-concept. This is like one of the Funky Bunch dressing up as Marky Mark.

Yep, things look good for Mr. Potato Head, as long as he remembers to pack his angry-eyes, just in case.

You can't get much more classic than this.

Kyle and I touched on the Super Soaker during Episode 5 of the Too Much Awesome podcast, as well as during Kyle’s list of his Unattainable Toys from youth, but it’s summer now and along with that has unfortunately come heat. Fortunately for us kids and adults pretending to be kids, the Super Soaker still hasn’t gone out of style. So prepare for war because Super Soakers are getting their just desserts today.

A Historical Account of the Water Armory

As Kyle mentioned, the original version of the Super Soaker was called the Power Drencher, and yes, he’s correct in saying the world would be a very different place if we all had Power Drencher 300’s or something. Power Drencher works better as a Gatorade line, not a toy. God bless the Super Soaker folks for the foresight.

So we know it was originally called the Power Drencher, but who invented it? Well, the Super Soaker’s inventor is a man named Lonnie Johnson, a man that also worked for NASA. Naturally, the guy who invents the world’s most popular water gun has also worked on space shuttles. Only makes sense. Anyway, Johnson looked at the basic design of squirt guns at the time and realized, “Hey, these suck,” so he came up with an inexpensive method to use manually pressurized water tanks instead of simple squeeze or squirt triggers. The results are, as we all know, awesome.

Awesome like this kid, who's clearly rocking eight degrees of hardcore right now.

The Choices When Arming Up

Taking a look at the official Super Soaker line over the years has confirmed to me that as a kid there was indeed a number system in place to differentiate size and water-usage for each particular Super Soaker. The standard was the Super Soaker 50, but as Kyle pointed out, he got the Super Soaker 30 because his dad was a jerk. I honestly don’t remember which size I had, but it was just the right size to deliver a powerful drenching. Oh, I see where the name came from. Okay, carry on.

Anyway, Super Soaker expanded its line to include bigger and better guns that improved both the durability of the material and provided better water reserves. Larger water tanks and extra bulbs were added on some models, as well as an instant-fill nozzle on the front, allowing you to attach a special Super Soaker-reloading cap on a garden hose and then press your gun tip-first into the attachment, quickly refueling you for your water-based battle.

This is the standard Super Soaker these days. I don't know, kind of feels like it's missing something. Maybe ugly yellows and greens?

I always thought the biggest Super Soakers were the coolest, but they were really ridiculous when it came to water consumption. The Super Soaker 1 Million seemed like a fantastical toy, but I saw it get used every so often and realized it probably wasn’t that cool. Unless you had a flash-refueling tip on it, you weren’t doing much once you ran out of water. Like you have friends that’ll refuel you mid-battle? I don’t think so.

Apparently there is a whole subculture of Super Soaker aficionados that know how to modify your Super Soakers to provide a change to your liking. For instance, a very basic mod has you breaking off the aperture that regulates water output, meaning you can shoot a whole tank of water pretty much instantly. Or perhaps a more advanced but extremely useful mod, removing the pressure relief value and sealing the gap allows you to increase your Super Soaker’s power. Then again, you could fashion a larger reservoir tank to allow for more water to be fired before refilling. It’s just staggering to think about.

Since it’s probably going to remain hot out there, I’d recommend picking up a Super Soaker or two. Right now the most popular version is the Super Soaker Wars Rattler Water Blaster, though there are tons of new models to look into depending on taste. Now all we need is a Nerf article. I think I’ll make Kyle do that next week.

Everyone has owned a PEZ dispenser at some time in their life.

Kids love candy and kids love toys. What better product to hit that core demographic than a candy dispenser that looks like a toy? Enter PEZ. Or rather, enter PEZ decades ago. After a bit of research, I have determined that PEZ is, and always was, awesome. What better place to talk about the toy candy dispenser than here at Toy-TMA? Grab your preferred PEZ flavor housed in your favorite cartoon character’s head and let’s get started.

A Delicious and Efficient History

As with all good articles (more or less), we should start with the basics and the history of PEZ. PEZ can trace its origins back to Austria in 1927. Yeah, that’s right, PEZ wasn’t even an American thing at all. In fact, PEZ gets its name from the German word for “peppermint,” Pfefferminz. The creator, a confectioner named Eduard Haas III, derived the name from the first, middle, and last letter of Pfefferminz, creating the strange yet wonderful word PEZ, usually spelled in all caps as I’ve been doing, so deal with it.

Although it’s difficult to imagine, PEZ didn’t always come in the dispensers we’ve come to know and love. PEZ first came packaged in small tins, similar to Altoids. Eventually the “regulars” type dispenser was created to look like a small cigarette lighter. The reason for this was because PEZ were marketed as an alternative to smoking. Add that to another reason why PEZ are great for kids.

I swear, these are for kids...I think. Was I talking about candy?

PEZ wouldn’t make it to the United States until 1952, and it still wasn’t until 1955 when someone got the idea to place heads on the top of the dispensers. As it turns out, PEZ had been marketed mostly to adults until then, but the shift towards the character heads placed the core demographic at children, as well as collectors. Pretty standard heads first appeared, such as Mickey Mouse and Santa Claus, but over the years more popular cartoons and icons have been ported over the candy dispensers.

Collecting Candy for a Living

That’s why you still remember what PEZ is today, though please note, PEZ inc still considers itself a confectionery company rather than a toy company. This, of course, hasn’t stopped collectors from paying exorbitant amounts of money for what amounts to a candy holder shaped like Bugs Bunny’s head. The highest price anyone’s ever paid for an official PEZ dispenser is $7,000 for a Mickey Mouse softhead model, apparently a factory prototype never released to the public. That’s $7,000. That’s a whole lotta candy tablets right there.

I wonder how much Seinfeld's PEZ dispenser went for...?

But do be careful in your quest to collect every and all PEZ dispenser. Because of the value and rarity of some dispensers, fakes have popped up everywhere. One guy paid $11,000 for what PEZ experts (don’t ask me who they are) later proved via chemical testing was a really, really well made fake. That’s the point I draw the line with collecting. Also, where do you get experts like this? Not a single science teacher I ever had mentioned that there was a career in PEZ as long as I kept my grades up.

Quick question: Who were the first people to be turned into PEZ dispenser heads? For the longest time, PEZ had a rule that they’d never make a character head based off of a real person’s features. That’s why the first three were Betsy Ross, Daniel Boone, and Paul Revere, mostly because their character heads probably didn’t look anything like them but just had accessories that let you know who they were. That was in the 1970’s, but in 2006 the Teutul family from Orange County Choppers where made as the first PEZ dispensers to be crafted after the likenesses of real people. Elvis would soon follow the next year, then the cast of Star Trek in 2008 and the cast of The Wizard of Oz in 2009. I don’t know who’s getting the PEZ treatment this year, but it could very well be the cast of Lost, if my intuitions are correct.

Guess which set I think are awesome?

The of moral of the story is, PEZ is great. Simplistic, yes, but very true. Plus, and PEZ will be happy to hear this, the candy is delicious as well. Heck, as a kid I’d routinely forgo loading the cartridge, choosing instead to just nosh on the whole pack at once. Who was gonna stop me? My parents? “Hey, at least I’m not smoking,” I’d say. And I still haven’t smoked to this very day. Thank you, PEZ.

Making puzzles is so cash, yo.

You may not know this by looking at me but I love me some puzzles. I’m talking literal puzzles here by the way, not like word puzzles or mind puzzles or something. Physical “connect one piece to another” puzzles usually sprawled over a foldout card table for a month or more. Why do I love puzzles? Because they’re so simple, yet they’ve done a lot over the years to throw some curve balls my way. Want to hear more? Of course, because what else are we gonna talk about? E3? I don’t think so!

Puzzle Me This

When I was a kid I had the usual handful of wooden puzzles that all kids typically owned. While I certainly had the obligatory wood puzzle with basic shapes like a car or a house, I had a few that were a little cooler. My grandma had dinosaur wooden puzzles that where actually huge chunks of wood that fit together to make the shape of a brontosaurus or something. Those were extremely cool, and I keep looking and seeing companies like Melissa & Doug doing the same sort of thing. Then again, they seem to love wooden toys, so it only makes sense.

Okay, maybe my grandma's puzzles weren't this cool.

I found myself always checking garage sales for puzzles once I became a little older, constantly searching for the next coolest puzzle ever. While I found a few Ninja Turtle puzzles, some of the cooler simple puzzles I found were G.I. Joe puzzles that interconnected. There were four puzzles with like two or three hundred pieces each and though each was contained to its specific picture, the four puzzles connected together to form one giant puzzle. Sadly I only found three of the four, but the effect was still very cool to me.

My parents had a great many advanced puzzles in their closet that would make it out every so often for a family puzzle session. These were extremely difficult puzzles with pictures such as a piece of hay in a stack of needles, a pile of fun-sized candy bars, or just a puzzle that’s front picture was purposefully designed to mislead you as to what the actual picture was. There were also the occasional 3D puzzle, but those were a one-time build before just setting them on a shelf or something.

Everyone tries the 3D globe puzzle at some point in their life or another.

Probably the most epic day of things related to puzzles occurred when my father and I were at a mall and happened upon an all-puzzle store with a guy standing behind the counter that had to be the Grand Puzzle Master. Naturally, he looked like he hated his life. What made this better were the three Puzzle Geeks challenging him with asinine puzzle-related questions. One walked up asking if they had any puzzles without edge pieces, to which the Grand Puzzle Master said they had a selection in the back corner. The next geek tried his luck with the question, “Do you have any puzzles with extra pieces thrown in to trick the puzzler?” Obviously they did, and they were on the shelf behind the geeks. The last guy thought he had him with the ultimate, “Do you have any blank puzzles?” The Grand Puzzle Master reached below the counter and pulled out a blank puzzle box. The Puzzle Geeks were defeated and the Grand Puzzle Master sighed his sad little sigh.

Still, none of these could possibly compare with the massive floor puzzles I found one day at a hobby shop. Did you know you can get a puzzle with 18,000 pieces in it? I don’t know why you’d want it, but you can get it from Ravensburger, and if that isn’t even enough, there’s a 24,000-piece puzzle as well. That’s ridiculous.

Behold the behemoth of puzzles. I kind of want this now.

That’s all I can say about puzzles for the moment though, mostly because I don’t currently have any. I wish I did, but sadly there is no space in my apartment to make a puzzle. Some day, but not today. In the mean time, what about you? Are you a puzzle fan? Or do you just hate puzzles? Let me know with a comment. I dare you to challenge the Grand Puzzle Master.

What little girl doesn't enjoy a colorful pony all her own?

When I was a little girl in the 90’s, I was surprisingly disinterested in Barbie. Sure, I had a few and I would take them along when I went to sleepovers, but they just didn’t kindle my imagination. No, I didn’t care much for toys in the likeness of people, but give me a My Little Pony or two and I was set for hours. Like many of my friends, I had a fascination with horses, but I wasn’t interested in any toys that involved a saddle and human rider. I was interested in pretending to be the pony itself, not a person who owned a pony.

Let the boys keep their turtles and such; I've got Pony Power.

My Little Pony filled the gap. In my world (and the world often depicted in the My Little Pony TV series), there were no humans; just ponies, cute little purple dragons, and various comical fuzzy creatures with raspy voices called Bushwoolies. What was so special about My Little Pony versus other horse-related toys was that they were magical. They had a symbol on their flank corresponding with their magic or particular interest, which also corresponded with their name. The pony that I most remember having, after extensively searching My Little Pony Collector and almost panicking when I thought that maybe my favorite had been a knock-off, was Princess Royal Blue, who was actually royalty (of course) and had a crescent-moon shaped medallion on her flank which was actually raised a bit to the touch, rather than just a picture stamped onto the surface. She was blue with dark pink hair and pink tinsel, and she was AWESOME.

Here she is. Isn't she magical? Yes, yes she is.

The My Little Pony line began with six “Earth” ponies in 1982 and they came with a little comb for their luscious hair. The hair was one of the things that made the ponies so special- their bodies were some mixture of plastic and rubber, but their hair was just like that of a Barbie (except usually much more colorful), so it could be brushed, styled and mangled- essentially the best of both worlds! This is one of the main reasons that I think the popularity of My Little Pony quickly exploded. That, and the ponies were different. Any company could make a pony toy, but a pony toy that comes in dozens of colors with different patterns, poses, and styles? Genius. The variations were endless- among them were seahorses, baby ponies, and ‘Sundazzle’ ponies which were taller and more slender, with crimped hair.

There are just too many variations to cover in a short article! I barely mentioned the TV shows, movies, playsets, or the current abominations they’re selling which are nothing like the My Little Ponies of yesteryear, (of course everything that I played with as a kid was naturally better than anything they have now). Suffice it to say that My Little Pony was so successful that after a brief hiatus the toy line made a comeback in the early 2000’s, and seems to be just as successful as before. And now I have the song stuck in my head. My Little Po-nee, My Little Po-nee….

She's still going strong, but what do I care? I'm a dude.

If you haven’t been paying attention, I’m a boy. Shocking, yes? I was born a boy, grew up a boy, and am currently still a boy. This is relevant because today I’m going to talk about Barbies. What could a boy possibly say about Barbies? Plenty, because while I grew up as a boy, all my friends were girls. Plus, Barbie is still incredibly popular these days, so it’s time for a follow-up article to the most famous girls’ toy from a boy’s perspective. Grab your pink convertible and let’s go for a ride.

The Exhaulted Backstory

The year is 1959 for those keeping track. No, not for my childhood, for Barbie’s. Barbara Millicent Roberts was created by Ruth Handler in an attempt to replicate a German doll named Bild Lilli. That’s right, Barbie may just be a replicant of her German ancestors. Would that make her any less successful? I seriously doubt it.

Anyway, Barbie came out way back when and held strong from her inception to yesterday (I haven’t checked today, but I assume she’s still Mattel’s star product), and eventually her life and mine intersected around the late 80’s and early 90’s. I was busy with my current love, Ninja Turtles, but I also had another love: girls. Girls were awesome and I was a smart child, so it was inevitable that I’d find the usefulness of Barbie.

My Childhood With Barbie

That was a pretty sweet house by the way. Totally inconvenient, but pretty sweet.

Sure enough, my friends that happened to be girls (not girlfriends, unfortunately) coincidentally enjoyed Barbie just as much as the next female. The standard models of Barbie came into play, such as Barbie in a bikini, Barbie in an elegant dress, and naked Barbie, a staple of every Barbie collection. Her sisters were in the mix, too, with Skipper, Stacie, and Krissy tagging along in the pink cars to the convenience stand that Barbie owned for some reason or wherever else my friends decided these dolls should go.

I found a nice way to compromise while playing, of course. I had a few G.I. Joes that were the same size as the Barbies, so I’d bring those along and they’d fight right in front of Barbie’s hotdog stand or whatever it was while she swooned. I assume my friends were making her swoon and that sound wasn’t just them getting bored. Even better, I had a Ninja Turtle the same size as well, so Michelangelo got in on the Barbie action a few times, fending off Joe and Ken at the same time.

By the way, I was never quite clear on where Barbie and Ken stood. I knew they were together, but then Mattel came out and said the two broke up in 2004 or something and then got back together in 2006, but I didn’t buy it. Their romance was never genuine, a fact I could see by the fake smiles they always had on when seen in public together. Ken was so lame to me even as a guy that I’d refuse to play as him, opting to be one of Barbie’s friends or sisters or whatever, as long as I wasn’t Ken.

I prefer this Ken, personally.

From a guy’s perspective, Barbie had a lot of cool stuff. I mean, she had dozens of playsets and accessory packs. While it didn’t really interest me to look at clothes and shoes, I could relate insomuch as G.I. Joes had accessory packs with guns and suits and stuff, so the two worlds weren’t really so different. I could definitely see the appeal of all the playsets as well. Barbie had a dream mansion with a real working elevator. None of my Ninja Turtle playsets had a real working anything, let alone an elevator.

My sister had the Barbie Dream Mansion, a super Christmas gift my parents got her one year that even got ME jazzed. Heck, that thing was huge. Plus, I guess I liked my sister. She had a few Barbies but nothing outrageous. Probably the coolest thing I remember seeing her do was gather all her Barbies in a circle, and when we’d asked her what they were doing she said they were having a Bible study. When we’d look back at the circle, our cat, Alex, had grabbed one of the Barbies by the hair and drug it under my sister’s bed where he proceeded to lick its face. Yes, he was the manliest man cat of all man kind.

That’s about as far as I’d like to remember Barbie at the moment, but I know for sure that when I have a daughter, I’ll be getting her a Barbie as soon as possible. But what about you kind folks reading out there? Do you have any good Barbie memories? Or do you prefer not to think about her? Let me know and leave a comment. I have to go play with Ninja Turtles in the meantime to rekindle my manliness. Please excuse me.

Is this exciting? As a picture, no, but as an activity, slightly more.

Not long ago I found myself at my Norwegian professor’s house for a barbeque with other Norwegian students (ja, jeg kan snakke norsk, er det bra?), and during said barbeque the weather was just nice enough to make full use of his backyard for some bocce ball. I had never played, but apparently I was very good. Afterward it got me thinking about some other backyard games I’d played in my childhood, and since summer is peaking right around the corner, why don’t we cover some of these activities? Alright, let’s go!

Step One: Get a Yard

So we can start with bocce ball since that’s the most recent game I played. The game is incredibly simple with two teams lined up, each with four large ceramic balls (minds out of the gutter, please). One person tosses a smaller white ball and the teams attempt to toss their bocce balls closer to the white ball than the other team. Very, very simple. I’ve found the best method is to throw with a high arc rather than a roll. Most backyards are likely to bounce your bocce everywhere, but a high lob will result in your ball thumping down into the grass, thus losing momentum and stopping basically wherever you threw it. It’s simple science! Plus, it’s also very cheap to get into.

In the same vein is the game of lawn darts, though I forget is these are still outlawed. Why would they be outlawed? Because you’re hurling small javelins around. Eventually some kid got injured and the game was banned. If you can’t come upon one of these elusive deadly versions, I’d suggest Tic Tac Throw, a version of lawn darts that uses bean bags instead. You toss them into a tic tac toe board and try to get a tic tac toe, obviously. Safer than darts but still fun.

Maybe this is why croquet doesn't conjure images of excitement in kids' minds.

While horseshoes are simple enough, you really need a sand pit to play them correctly, and if you don’t have that in your backyard, then I don’t see much of a point. Croquet is another sport that requires your yard to have some form of shape before attempting play, but it’s simple enough to find a patch of grass flat enough or at least devoid of bumps enough to allow decent play. Naturally though, kids will see large wooden mallets and use them for anything other than croquet. It’s just the way nature works. As soon as you explain how you can strike one ball through another and it’s all over, you’ve lost them to the dark side of physics.

Step Two: Get Some Friends

Probably the best game for kids to play in their backyard is tag. If you don’t have a backyard big enough for tag or your kid doesn’t have enough friends for tag, well they just have a miserable childhood, don’t they? There are dozens of variations of tag from the simple “You’re It” version we all know and love to the more hardcore “Freeze Tag,” the advanced “Band-Aid Tag,” or even the ultimate huge party game, “Ghostbusters Tag” where four kids are the Ghostbusters and go around tagging the other kids, Ghosts in this scenario, sending them to an area designated the Containment Unit. When there is one kid left, he can free everyone else by running up to the Containment Unit and pressing something everyone decided is the Release Button and becoming a hero to the group. Then again if you’d rather not infringe on copyrights, just go with a simple Flag Tag where everyone has two flags clipped to their side and everyone attempts to be the last person who still has a flag on their side. They’ll get hours of really good exercise just trying to grab a little rubber flag from their once-friends, now naturally their most-scorned adversaries.

This has nothing to do with tag, but it was the first thing that popped up in Google for "tag," plus it has tigers.

This is just a short list of things to play with in a backyard, but give your kid the chance and they’ll think of something else to do. In the inevitable instance that it’s raining and you’d rather not have your kids all wet and muddy, declare that the floor is lava and let them spend the afternoon hopping from item to item in your living room. It’s really a choice between destroyed furniture or kids coated with mud. Tough call.

Take away the slime, the Ghostbusters sign, and a few details, and you see my childhood. I just might buy it on ebay.

“What do you mean you gave it away!?” I screeched at my mother, the full complement of my nine-year-old lungs bursting forth in disbelief. She wouldn’t have. She couldn’t have.

She totally did.

My dear mother had made a grievous error by donating my Ghostbusters firehouse building to charity. Did she not understand that the firehouse could act as any building, for any game? It was the center of every game for my entire life at that point.

I remember clearly that my older brother and I staged an epic sequel to “Jurassic Park,” wherein the survivors from the original are trapped in that firehouse, and must escape the dinosaurs and make it to my father’s desk.

I’m 21 years old now. I don’t have much time to play, and what I do have is usually given to the Internet, video game systems, or my truck (Ford F-150, not Tonka). I miss the hours I spent on the carpet, peering into that hollow hunk of plastic and imagining all the things I could do in there, if only I could stay up later.

Thanks to the miracles of technology, I looked up my old buddy, the firehouse, on ebay. Just looking at it, I wish I could stage one more epic battle between my American Gladiators on the roof. The price isn’t even very high on some of the firehouses for sale, but I know I shouldn’t.

It’s a tragedy that I’ve grown up. I belonged on that carpet, making hushed explosion noises and wondering if I should become a professional idea man.  I don’t blame my mom for donating it. I do blame myself for growing up. What other toys do we all miss? What other toys defined our adventures as kids?

Kids, and some adults, can’t resist the chance to do some dangerous tricks on a patch of asphalt. As a matter of fact, give a twelve-year-old boy a 5×5 patch of concrete, and any wheel, and they will find a way to invent a new X-game.

I first saw a wave style skateboard in Walmart, and I spent five minutes trying to convince my roommate that it was a small oar for kayaking. When he told me that his little brother had one and that it was a new kind of skateboard, I lost it.

Small, Streamlined, and Champ-Building

Now that I’ve seen kids on these things, I think they are ingenious. Small, streamlined, and hard to use, these things make kids look impressive. Kids feel like champs knowing their parents could never get the hang of it.  This particular one has a bunch of bells and whistles, too, including flashing LED lights in the wheels (parents, remember how we only had sneakers that did that?) and a very trendy checkerboard pattern.

My stepsister did a lot of skateboarding, and she told me that a decent board, with brand-name wheels and all the right parts for tricks would cost over $200 where she used to buy gear.  Most waveboards today cost $75 or more. This little lightweight “Checkboard” by StreetWaveNow is only $35 on Amazon (granted, it isn’t endorsed by Tony Hawk or anybody, and it isn’t the name-brand Ripstik product).

It comes with a carrying case, tools, and a DVD that shows you how to ride it without falling and breaking your moneymaker.

Some parents might be concerned about safety issues, and yes, this combination of skateboarding, surfing, and snowboarding looks pretty treacherous. With such a low price, though, just snag a helmet and a tube of Neosporin to go with it.  It’s part of being a kid to fall down once in a while.

Now, if you’re an adult and want to try one of these puppies out, all I can say is good luck.

Are you ready for some scrapes and bruises?

Hey everyone out there: Spring’s coming up incredibly fast. Did you know this? Did you also know that along with spring comes good, or presumably better, weather? Well it does. That means that kids are once again going to want to be outside, so that means I need to give a rundown of more good outdoor toys beyond ride-on toys and Power Wheels. What sort of outdoor toys? Bikes and skates of course. Do you have one of either? Good, more chances for me to tell you about the bestselling toys as of right now.

Skates Belong To the Women

So let’s start with skates, shall we? I was awful on skates as a kid, either of the roller or the inline variety. As a result it was very important that I took the precaution to put a helmet on my stupid head, and in a surprise to no one, the top selling item related to skates is a helmet, specifically the Razor brand. The standard black is number one with the satin pink being a close second, meaning both boys and girls are getting outside and protecting their noggins. Good!

Good thing they make helmets look cool. Now put this on.

Now that we’ve got our helmets on, what do you suppose the most popular pair of skates is today, according to Amazon’s retail charts? That would be the Roller Derby Firestar Girl’s Roller. Yeah, that has the word “Roller” in the name twice. Deal with it boys. In fact, be prepared to deal with your shame for not having a single pair of skates in the top ten current bestselling items relating to skates. Items 3-7 are all girls’ skates, one pair of ice skates included. Then some knee pads. Then a Spiderman helmet/knee pad combo pack. Then carpet skates that I’m not going to mention because you’d have to be indoor to play with those. Boys, you don’t have a skate on the list until spot 11. You should be outside is what I’m thinking.

Seriously boys, learn how to ice skate and you'll always have friends.

Bikes Belong To Infants

Maybe the boys are leading the way in bikes instead? Once again the number one item is a helmet, so that’s a good start. Is it a boy’s helmet? Actually, it’s the Giro Me2 Infant Bike Helmet, particularly the one with a duck and a goose on it.  Okay, but that helmet looks sweet, not gonna lie.

Dang that goose looks happy. I'd like to be that happy with anything.

Anyway, after the typical bike accessories such as kneepads, bike locks, and a child seat, the first actual bike-like product is the Schwinn Roadster Trike. Okay, but the big kids have got stuff to see, right?

Not quite a bike but we're getting closer.

The next bike-like item is another tricycle, this time the Radio Flyer Classic Red Tricycle. At the very least we’re staying classic here since you just can’t beat Radio Flyer for one heck of a product. Even I had a Radio Flyer tricycle when I was a kid, or maybe my sister did. I don’t remember, but I know I rode one all the time. Not important.

Classic, but still not quite a bike, either.

Would you like to know how far down the list I had to travel to find an actual bike? Not a trike, not an accessory for a bike, but an actual bike? Number 55. And it’s a training bike. The PV Glider “Mini-Glider” 12-Inch Balance Training Bike by Glide Bikes to be exact. Number 55 there, and it’s a training bike. Hey, good to have the kids trained properly at least.

Boys, I know you're out there. Are you just not buying bikes or something?

There’s still plenty of time for you boys to reclaim some glory, and while you’re at it, it looks like you’ll meet a lot of girls. And infants. So get outside and play!

Wait, I'm not just repeating articles, am I?

Everybody is going green these days. It’s rather trendy to say the least, so it’s no surprise that toys are following the trend and selling big when it comes to eco-friendly categories. If you’d very much like to give your kids something fun to play with that they’re guaranteed to enjoy plus is quite possibly better for the environment in the long run, then good news because here’s an article about the top selling eco-friendly toys right this second.

Still Going Green It Seems

Do you remember me talking about the company Green Toys a while ago? I’m not here to judge; it was after all quite some time since that article. The reason I’m bringing them up is because they’re selling one heck of a lot of their toys right now with the number one green toy of them all being the Green Toys Tea Set that I went on about in my article. Someone must have been listening to me when I wrote the positive review or something. Of course they aren’t just a one-trick pony since they also have a cookware and dining set, a dump truck, and a sand playset. You know, things every kid should already have. The best part of all that is that none of those toys are particularly expensive with only the full cookware and dining set being over $30.

Dang it, now I want to go play in the sand.

Green toys may have a lot in the bestseller category, but they aren’t alone. Another company called i Play is doing quite fine for themselves until Apple decides to sue them for using a lowercase I in their company name. Their top item is the Green Sprouts Stacking Cup Set, yet another incredibly simple toy that happens to be a toy every kid should own. Heck, I had a set of these when I was a kid, but I’m sure this set is a lot better for the environment.

My set had much manlier colors though, but otherwise they looked the same.

If you’d prefer something way more advanced, check out Elenco Electronics’ Frightened Grasshopper Solar Powered Bug. I swear to you I didn’t just invent that thing, and even better, this robo-bug is only $7. That’s a deal no matter who you are.

Alright, I'll allow a robo-grasshopper, but as soon as we get robo-hornets I say we've gone too far.

Sprig Toys have a handful of bestsellers when it comes to construction vehicle toys if you’d rather not buy everything from Green Toys. Let the girls have their tea sets, us boys got stuff to dig and construct and whatnot. Then after we’re done with that maybe some more tea.

Once more, all I want to do now is go play in the sand.

Rounding out the bestsellers is Plan Toys with a couple items. What’s their highest selling item right now? A solid wood drum. That’s it. Just a little drum with a little mallet. While I’m all for kids having a toy drum, I’m not everyone. Plan Toys also has a doll house nursery set for the less noisy children, though I’m somewhat surprised to find out that the toy drum is $21 and the doll house set is $18. I must be really out of touch with my green side.

Yup, that's one wooden drum there.

So there you have it folks, a multitude of great eco-friendly toys at affordable prices. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s once more time for tea.

This right here is one of the most popular education-based toy around. And it's a video game system.

If I were pressed to defend the educational value of video games, I probably couldn’t do much other than say they can teach reading, math, problem solving, community interaction, cause and effect, and hand-eye coordination skills, so really I’d have an uphill battle talking about their benefits (wink). However, there are a handful of very popular toys being sold this very second to parents wishing to give their kids a little boost in the learning aspect of playing while still making sure the toy is fun (gotta love parents). But just what are some of the most popular educational and learning toys right now?

Yay! A noise-maker for kids!

Heard of LeapFrog? You probably have since they’re selling tons upon tons of electronic toys aimed at teaching kids. It just so happens one of their best-selling products is a video game system called the Leapster. It looks like a mutant Game Boy but plays like something with the explicit purpose of learning in the foreground. However, you can easily fool a kid into forgetting he’s learning something when the character in the game is Batman. LeapFrog also has a wide variety of other electronic-type toys with the Learn & Groove Musical Table for kids (a thing that makes noise), the Spin and Sing Alphabet Zoo (a thing that makes noise), or the Scribble and Write (I’m sure it makes some sort of noise, it is a child’s toy after all).

Responsibilities! Exciting!

If, perhaps, you’d rather not futz with noise or electronics in general, our good friends Melissa & Doug have more than enough toys made of wood and magnets. Sometimes simple can be best, and Melissa & Doug tends to make very high-quality toys that last and last. It’s hard to beat a magnetic alphabet set or a magnetic responsibility chart. Sure, kids hate responsibility, but disguise it with magnets and they’re sold.

Dang that kid looks happy. I want some of those blocks!

Fisher-Price is still around and doing just fine, by the way. Do you remember them from your childhood? I sure do. I had all sorts of plastic blocks and shapes and steering wheels and things of that nature from Fisher-Price, and I’m happy to say they still make all those things with their Brilliant Basics Baby’s First Blocks staying as a bestseller. Their Sesame Street Silly Sounds Remote may not really be in the same category though. It may say “Sesame Street: on it, but it also says “Silly Sounds” which is code for “Lots o’ Noise.” Just get the blocks.

Hooray for bugs! What, you don't like bugs? That's science!

It’s also cool to see that the Insect Lore Live Butterfly Garden is up near the top in sales. Why is that? Bugs, while super gross, are also super cool. Plus, it’s impossible for kids to find bugs in the house, so they have to go outside. If they can find tons of bugs inside, you’re teaching your kids something wrong. I was always happy as a kid with a bug net and a jar to keep my findings in. I assume kids haven’t changed too much since my childhood.

This is an incomplete list of the bestselling Education and Learning toys, but it’s a good start for sure. If all else fails, I can’t think of a single kid that’d say no to “Imagination Time” with their loving parents. In fact, I might just call my dad and see if he’s up for a game of it right now.

Who would win in a drag race between Matchbox and Hot Wheels?

I wrote an article last week about Hot Wheels cars, but upon posting it something started gnawing at me. While talking about Hot Wheels, I had completely neglected to mention Matchbox, the opposing brand. What makes this worse is that as a kid, I couldn’t distinguish between the two as both brands made little toy cars. They still do of course, so it’s only fair that I give you the other side of the story.

The Other Big Name In Toy Cars

What is the key difference that separates Matchbox cars with Hot Wheels cars? As far as I can tell, one has an imprint on the bottom that says “Matchbox” and one has an imprint that says “Hot Wheels.” This does not by any means imply that I believe one to be a knock-off or inferior or anything. Heck no, both brands are awesome and as a kid I was perfectly happy getting either. I happened to get most of my toy cars as hand-me-downs though, so it didn’t make much of a difference as long as the cars had wheels.

If I had to make a sweeping generalization about the differences, I’d say that Hot Wheels tend to be more fantastic in nature, emphasizing designs that are impossible such as a stegosaurus or a torpedo car, whereas Matchbox was more concerned with real world vehicles like ambulances and police cars. The playsets seemed to reflect this as well since I remember having Hot Wheels tracks meant for jumps but Matchbox sets like a city landscape or a triple-decker parking garage.

Don't ask me why, but I always thought realistic cars were just as cool as dragon cars.

The important thing about all of this is that more brands mean more variety, and I already noted Hot Wheels’ incredible number of different vehicles to choose from. Matchbox may have even more than Hot Wheels if we’re talking variety of collectibles, but either way, it makes it even easier to have a collection entirely original to you and no one else.

One thing that I find really cool about Matchbox is the official website makes reference to the 100 new cars released this past year. Yes, 100 new cars to collect. They even provide a checklist for the hardcore collectors, and with a 20-car pack being priced at $19.99, that sounds like a fair challenge for the year. You’d be so lucky to only spend a C-note on toys each year.

I remember the time my uncle gave me an old tackle box filled with all the Matchbox cars he had as a kid. Some were busted pretty badly, but the majority were in perfect working condition. This equaled an awesome time of taking each car out of the tackle box and checking out what it was. Parents, make sure to pass down your toys as soon as possible to your kids. Few things are more enjoyable for the kid.

There is certainly something to say for simplicity.

Do you have a favorite Matchbox car from your youth? Can you tell the big difference between Matchbox and Hot Wheels from a distance of twenty feet? Do you prefer one or the other? I want to know your thoughts. Leave a comment and I’ll get back to you once I’m done checking out my collectibles.

I don't care, I'd still ride in the Barbie version.

I was insanely jealous of anyone who had a Power Wheels as a kid. Sure, I was fairly content with my Hot Wheels, but how was I supposed to compete with those kids that could ride around in their toy and laugh at me? I couldn’t, that’s how. And why? Because Power Wheels were beyond awesome. Let’s talk about why.

Imitation at the Heart of the Fun

As kids, one of the activities we most enjoy is imitating adults. Inversely, as adults, our favorite activity is imitating children, though that’s somewhat frowned upon despite it’s truth. If you consider some staples of children’s toys, you’ll see that consistent high-sellers are kitchen sets, vacuums, life-like dolls, phones, and steering wheels. It all makes sense as kids just love doing anything that they see adults do. So when someone comes along and decides to create a Jeep Wrangler that kids can drive around, Ham Radio included, is it any wonder that kids go nuts for these things?

Dang it, look how happy this kid looks! I want to be this kid!

While I didn’t have a Power Wheels, I had friends that did. I’d hop in their Barbie Jeep and roll around talking to Barbie because, forget you, it was freaking sweet. I was DRIVING a VEHICLE. No one was going to say I wasn’t cool because my little imagination was way above whatever the real world was doing. So what could be cooler than all that? How about a Kawasaki Power Wheels? Check and mate. The product even has the word “Ninja” in its full title, so there will be no convincing a child otherwise on the wonderfulness of said product.

An Expense Worth Making

And sadly you probably will want to convince them otherwise as Power Wheels, while cool, are crazy expensive. We’re talking past $200 expensive. I wish I had one as a kid, but I never questioned why my parents didn’t plunk the money for one of these bad boys. It’s a big investment to make and the only place to really use a Power Wheels is outside, meaning that if you live in an apartment complex, these kids are probably going to be unable to ride it anyway.

It's sad, because what kid wouldn't want to roam the open fields in one of these?

However, don’t let me deter those of you with ample space and money, plus a kid or two. A common complaint from parents these days is the lack of outside exercise kids get. Some things make for great incentives to get kids outside, and Power Wheels count as such an incentive. Even though they’re riding around in these they’ll be getting exercise. Trust me, no kid can resist a full-fledged imagination adventure involving a high-speed chase that leads to him hopping out of the car and sprinting around in circles fighting bad guys with an invisible katana. If I had a Power Wheels right now I’d totally do that.

That’s pretty much all there is to say about the wonder of Power Wheels. Any of you have fortunate enough childhoods to have Power Wheels? What are your thoughts on the matter? I’d like to know, so you need to post a comment.

Little known fact about me: I grew up as a little boy. What this generally meant is that Barbies weren’t typically in my play-cycle and Hot Wheels dominated most of my free time in between Ninja Turtles. I’m happy to say that even though I’ve taken a long hiatus from the small die-cast cars of my youth, they’ve been waiting around should I ever choose to get back into the habit. It’s always great to know that my kids will someday have the chance to play with my favorite toys.

Simple Fun Without Limits

So what made and still make Hot Wheels so great? Not to sound too crass, but they’re extremely cheap. You can get a pack of 10 for under $15, and a lot of stores will sell them individually for 99 cents. Even better is the sheer amount of models to choose from. You and your friend could each own three-dozen cars and only have two that look identical. This means that every kid has a chance to have a unique set of cars best suited for his or her personality (sure, girls like Hot Wheels, too).

Sweet Glavin! This 10 set has a motorcycle?! I would have killed for a motorcycle Hot Wheels as a kid.

What did I have? I had a few cars that I absolutely loved, but my favorite for some reason was a beat up old Jeep that had a hood that could open. I had entire plotlines that involved this Jeep fighting other cars, just because it was my favorite and clearly the hero among my other cars. It had a posse of several other, “cooler” cars, but nothing could outclass my Jeep, not even the Mach 5 from Speed Racer or a car shaped like a dragon. Nope, the Jeep was my favorite.

Yeah, I'd be happy if I could race cars through a shark all day, too.

There is also a lot to be said for simplicity. While Hot Wheels likes it when you buy new playsets, I always enjoyed a simple play rug. I had a city-themed one the size of my room laid out for me to drive around in. I’d dump out all my Hot Wheels and place them in the city as I figured real cars would be placed in parking lots and at stop signs and such. And then the Jeep would show up and fight all of them just because. Oh yes, life was good. I should go back and buy some new Hot Wheels. Maybe you should, too.

Oh yeah, forget those video games because things just got awesome.

I’ve been hung up on video games a lot lately, and I apologize for that. There’s just been an abundance of games getting released in such a short time frame. Plus, it sounds as if half the US has been snowed in for a while. To make up for all this sitting around in front of the TV, I think it’s time to take a look at the complete opposite here and talk about getting those kids outside and on something that moves. No, not a car, not even a bike, but one of these handy active outdoor toys. Grab your helmets and kneepads and let’s talk about some popular ride-on toys.

So first off, the products I’m about to bring up are entirely safe for your child, but there will no doubt be numerous scrapes and bruises caused by using said products. Don’t worry! This is actually a good thing! Why, when I was a child, I’d injure myself on a regular basis. You ask any parent and they’ll tell you they nearly destroyed themselves as a child with the amount of outside activity they participated in, but would they change it? Of course not. Like I said, remember the helmet and you should be fine.

Some Toys Never Go Out of Style

Some of you might remember the big Razor Scooter craze that set in a few years back. Did you know that Razor Scooters are still one of the highest selling ride-on toys at this moment? It makes sense, too, as the lightweight scooters are only around $50 and provide simple entertainment for the energetic kid. I had one a few years back and found it to be pretty snazzy, despite my lack of skillz. It is a great way to get exercise and encourages families to go to parks and wander around for a bit.

Expect your kid to build at least one ramp after getting a Razor Scooter.

You want to know another ride-on toy I’m happy is still selling well? Radio Flyers. Heck yes. Also known as a little red wagon, the Radio Flyer brand is just built to withstand the test of time. Every kid worth his snuff needs a Radio Flyer at some point for either transporting mischief or racing down steep inclines towards doom and more scrapes. And that’s the way we liked it! A no-hassle Radio Flyer can price just under $80 if you know where to look.

For the more advanced kids out there, the option of the magnificent pogo stick is readily available to increase the chance of phenomenal wipeouts. Pogo sticks can cost anywhere from $30 to $150, but as long as it pogos you’re in for fun/frustration. The only thing deadlier on a frustration level is a paddleball toy.

If you can figure this thing out, congrats, you've surpassed me as a true kid.

I don’t particularly care what you’re riding as long as it’s outside away from TV’s and such. Oh, and no cheating kids! The iPod counts as a TV if you have videos on it, so no using those either! Time for fresh air and scrapped knees. If I don’t see more scraped knees by the end of the week, I’m going to be disappointed in each and every one of you.

Like a shadow rising from the mist, army men shall never die.

I like toys. I know, we’re talking revelation of the year here. I’m also a guy, so typically whatever toys I’m playing with are required to have some sort of firepower or at least look like they are capable of fighting either each other, or some other toy I have yet to purchase but will feel the need to as soon as I see it. I’ve mentioned that G.I. Joes are the perfect action figures and that Ninja Turtles are the coolest, but I want to go even more old school than those. I’m talking zero points of articulation, absolutely no accessories or outfits or anything. How could a toy still be awesome after all that? Aha, I’ve got you now don’t I? How about if I’m talking a whole squadron of toys? Yeah, let’s talk plastic army men.

The point of the little green (or grey or red or whatever color suits you) men is not regarding pose-ability but rather sheer quantity and simplicity of the design. You can go out right now and pick up a few dozen army men for somewhere in the vicinity of one dollar, pull them out, and start playing immediately. No set up is required and no location is too obscure to wage impossible wars. Kitchen? Perfect. Bathtub? Aquatic misadventures. Cat box? Strange, but you do what you’ve got to do. But to get the full effect of the war you really need a whole sea of the little guys, so drop a ten-spot and load up.

I always liked the way army men each had a personality to them. Sure, you have the standard rifle-toting version, but those came in guys with the rifle sling over their shoulder, aiming straight ahead, crouched while aiming, crouched and aiming downward, aiming up and back, and who knows what else. You’ve got guys with grenades, guys with radios, guys with mine detectors, and guys that look like they do all their work solo with a handgun and a face so grizzled you can sharpen steel on it (I like to think I’d be that guy in the army men world).

There is a lot to do with your plastic soldiers beyond just placing them and enacting whatever battles you’d most like (such as Grizzled McGrizz fighting EVERYONE). I’ve found that they work very well as markers for whatever game you may be playing (add an army man to Candy Land and watch your sister squirm), or even place them on a world map and have an interactive history lesson about World War II (in which Grizzled McGrizz fights EVERYONE). Okay, yes, you can also melt them, explode them, and generally mutilate them, but should you? Should you really? All right, just ask your parents first before using the microwave.

I was lucky to find a set of army men that came with small plastic tanks, helicopters, jeeps, and fighter jets. There were also USA flags and German flags and all sorts of other nations, meaning that my war could be even more elaborate than just the typical run-of-the-mill ground assault. I’m curious if they have boats anywhere.

Something I always wondered as well is if someone ever made an army man playset of some kind similar to something you’d see in G.I. Joes but less complicated, like a battleground floor mat with bunkers and such that you could set up and hide soldiers behind. And then add some structures and traps like nets and catapults (or trebuchets for our hardcore medieval brethren). I want to know if this exists, and if not, why? Also, my patent is pending should it turn out to be the latter.

What I’m really advocating for at the moment is a good old-fashioned get-outside-and-play-in-the-dirt. Army men were built for punishment. That’s why you get so many of them and people have to go through the trouble of exploding them to cause any significant damage. You can literally lose an entire packet of army men in the sand and not feel as if you’ve lost something irreplaceable. You will however feel like you’ve lost your best friend, but only until you go by another bag at the dollar store.