The whole point of a Pokemon game is to catch, train, battle, and evolve Pokemon, right? Naturally. Most of the time you learn your Pokemon is evolving and think, “Right on! This will be SWEET!” But every so often you have to sit down and make the tough choice: “Do I REALLY want to evolve this one?” I looked through all 493 entries of the Pokedex and came to these startling inclusions in the list of 10 Pokemon You’d Rather Not Evolve. And keep in mind, if you like the pics, click the links to see more from the artists. Okay, housekeeping out of the way, so let’s read on!
Pretty much every trainer starting out in Red or Blue version got their first five Pokeballs and went out to catch the basic “learning” Pokemon of the game such as Pidgey, Spearow, and Caterpie. Inevitably, you will catch a Rattata and probably think, “Aw, how cute this little guy is!” Then he’ll start to get stronger and faster and suddenly you learn to love him. Eventually the fated moment comes when he reaches level 20 and begins to evolve…only to turn into a big ol’ rat monster! What happened to my cute-yet-badass rat-friend? Suddenly he looks like he has a serious case of rabies and I don’t want anything to do with him, Hyper-Fang or not.
One of the early big names from Pokemon was Jigglypuff for some strange reason. Super Smash Bros made the odd decision to include her as one of the 12 playable characters. When I caught a Jigglypuff in blue version, I spent some time dinking around with her, seeing what she could and couldn’t do. It was when I learned she could evolve via a Moonstone that my troubles really began. “What does Jigglypuff turn into?” I wondered. Well, she evolves into Wigglytuff, probably the most pitiful next evolution a designer could think of. “Uh, make her slightly bigger and give her longer ears.” “What, like a bunny?” “Sure, why the hell not?” “What do we name her?” “I don’t know, ‘Wigglytuff’ or some crap like that, I’ve got Charizards to design.” I was so disappointed that I left her in some random box in my computer and never spoke to her again.
Shellos is one of those weird Pokemon that you just can’t figure out. I didn’t really have high hopes for the next generation of Pokemon, but a slug thing? Yeah alright, that’s cool. At least Shellos was special in that there were two different-looking versions you could get: A blue version and a pink version, one from the East and one from the West. Sure, that was kind of cool, like Nidorans and whatnot. Then it evolved from a cute slug thing to a larger slug thing with horns. Ah. And the two evolved forms look pretty much identical except one is pink and one is blue. Oh. Okay then. I’ll just not catch any more slug Pokemon for a while, thanks.
Hey, we remember my thoughts on Buizel from a while ago, right? Of course we do. In fact, they got at least one commenter to instantly hate me because I didn’t like what Buizel becomes. Buizel is an ultra cute otter Pokemon with a few cool moves and a lot of potential. Floatzel looks like a 40-year-old transvestite. Should I even continue on? I’m not arguing usefulness of evolutions here; I’m just talking aesthetic appeal. Buizel made me want to snuggle it during naptime. Floatzel made me want to take multiple showers. Literally, it was like I brought home a cute girl, dated her for a while, and then on my wedding night realized she was a 40-year-old dude. I’ll never make that mistake again.
Why is Bidoof making yet another appearance on a Pokemon list? That’s a good question. While Bibarel is not a terrible evolution in of itself, one must think of a deeper question: “How does one evolve into a Bibarel?” First, one must have a Bidoof. Secondly, one must train a Bidoof. Third, one must train a Bidoff enough that it evolves. This implies that I’d have to keep Bidoof in my party for longer than a few minutes. Well, my list clearly states “Pokemon I’d Rather Not Evolve,” so I’d say Bidoof fits in quite nicely there. Case closed. No one likes Bidoof.
Gold and Silver versions were some seriously sweet games, weren’t they? One of the new Pokemon was a monkey-like critter named Aipom, found by headbutting bushes. Okay, sure, I can dig that logic. Aipoms had smiley faces and tails with what looked like a hand on the end (oh, “A Palm,” I see what you did there). I wasn’t big on Aipom as a Pokemon to keep and train, mostly because it didn’t evolve in Gold and Silver. I had my party, I didn’t need any more. Well, along comes Diamond and Pearl with a new evolution, just because. Ambipom, a super creepy monkey with two tail-hands and a smile that’d get most dudes sent to prison instantly. I don’t even know if Ambipom is a useful Pokemon or not. I’m just not letting that thing near my Buizel, if you get my drift.
Yet another case of the 4th Pokemon generation screwing things up, Yanma was a simple enough Bug-type that filled the much-needed dragonfly slot in the Pokedex. If you’ve got bugs, you just need a dragonfly in there somewhere. It’s required. I’m not a fan of bugs, but Yanma was inoffensive and looked, as I’ve said for a lot of Pokemon on this list, kind of cute. Fast-forward two generations and take a look at Yanmega. AAAAAH! Why did they do that to Yanma?! It’s like if Bulbasaur evolved into Murdersaur and had blood dripping from its teeth and red eyes that hated anything alive. Good Lord, just get it away! Forget Bug-type Pokemon! This is all your fault Yanmega!
If Buizel evolves into a 40-year-old transvestite, Glameow evolves into Rosie O’ Donnell. I’m a huge fan of cats, so much so that I seriously tried to make a Persian work for my party in Yellow version (fairly well I might add). A new cat tends to appear once a generation with Meowth starting things off, then Skitty, and even a few legendary big cats in Entei, Raikou, and Suicune. So along comes the 4th generation and throws in Glameow, a perfectly nice cat Pokemon. Cool, what could it possibly evolve into? Purugly, the biggest punchline ever to a Pokemon evolution. I mean, jeez, hell of a joke to throw in there, what with this pretty little kitty turning into a hambeast at level 38. Gah, I just want to figure out who’s in charge of this evolution business and give them a swift kick to the Cheribis.
Did anyone really like Lickitung from the first Pokemon games? Be honest now, I need to know this for the sake of science and argument. Okay, I’m going to assume that no one stepped forward to back up Lickitung as worthy of existing in the first place. It was a weird “Hey alright, here’s a Pokemon with a long tongue” thing that was more a novelty for the most part. That’s totally fine. Then along comes some 4th generation designer and thinks, “You know which Pokemon really needs an evolution?” “Skarmory?” “No, heck no, I’m all about Lickitung.” “Oh, but not Skarmory?” “No I said! I want you to take Lickitung and make it even stupider looking, like it thinks it found some dignity somewhere by getting a really dumb haircut. Make that.” “But, uh, seriously, Skarmory can turn into Skarmorade and it’ll be no-“ “Lickilicky I said!” Aaaaaand scene.
The original mascot of the series, Pikachu is that one Pokemon that everyone knows and wants to catch. Game Freaks seems to even attempt to recreate Pikachu every new generation with some weird alternate Pikachu, such as Pichu, Plusle and Minum, and Pachirisu, more commonly referred to as “Pikasquirrel.” So with this staple of the series being capable of evolution from the very beginning, you’d assume it could only get better, right? Well, the first time you use a Thunderstone to evolve your Pikachu, you get a Raichu, a fat, fake tan-looking version of your beloved friend that looks more natural with a few popped-collars and a Pabst than out battling other bros for sport. I know there are some fans out there that swear by Raichu, but the majority of us can’t bear the thought of losing Pikachu for the sake of competition. Heck, even Yellow version sought to rectify this by making the Pikachu in that game super powerful via the Light Ball it was carrying. You just can’t evolve Pikachu and be happy about it, so he tops my list and end of story.
So there we go, my list if over. Now I open things up for commenters to give their say on the matter. Did I miss any obvious inclusions? Or did I include something that I totally disagree with? Let me know with a comment or two. Just don’t be surprised if I fail to evolve into someone who cares.
And remember, all the images today came from Deviant Art, a community y’all should support because it’s pretty danged cool. If you like any of the pictures you saw, click the link located in the Pokemon’s name and check out more awesome pics by these artist. Okay, I’m out!
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