The world is a very different, very scary place these days. Thankfully, video games are mostly blissful escapes from that harsh reality. But what if aspects of the real world started creeping into the fantasy realm? Here are ten ways the real world would ruin the video games world.
Pokemon Protected Under Endangered Species Laws:
The lands Pokemon games take place in are magical regions to live, full of awesome creatures ripe for the catching and training. And if you keep your eyes out and your wits sharp, you’ll run across a Legendary Pokemon.
BUT HOLD ON! You can’t capture that! Leave it alone! Because it’s the last of its species, it is protected by Endangered Species Laws, meaning you not only can’t capture it, you’ll be arrested for even trying. Pikachus? You can have dozens. But Lord help you if you catch a Mew.
Extra Lives Cost More Due To Inflation:
The Mushroom Kingdom is known as a land full of whimsy. Whimsy and war. Constant war. There hasn’t been a year where Bowser hasn’t appeared and tried to take over everything. At least Mario always shows up to save the day. That’s the one constant, other than the price of an extra life. 100 coins, right?
BUT HOLD ON! At this point an extra life would cost a heck of a lot more, possibly closer to 1600 coins. You’d see Mario steppin’ a lot more careful around pits if that were the case.
Families in The Sims Evicted:
Living a life as a Sim wouldn’t be too bad, all things considered. Your whole life is based off commercialism, you can easily find and make friends all the time, and if you don’t like your job, you can get a better one by reading a book for a few minutes. Wonderful, right?
BUT HOLD ON! How did you pay for your new house there? One of the causes of our current recession stems from the housing crisis where prospective homeowners were given huge loans for houses that they could never afford and thus were evicted at the worst possible time. The Sims are so incapable of taking care of themselves that they’ll wet their shorts if you don’t tell them to go to the bathroom. And these people were approved for home loans? Yikes.
No More Evil Corporations:
Shinra is certainly an evil, evil corporation filled with evil people doing evil things. The Umbrella Corporation is even worse, creating zombies and stuff for seemingly no reason at all. Luckily we have heroes to battle these massive companies. Some games are hinged on this massive takedown.
BUT HOLD ON! Before you go after the corrupt head of that awful organization, check to see if it isn’t crumbling from the inside after filing Chapter Eleven bankruptcy. And if a company is really, truly evil enough to destroy the world, the actual government is going to step in and stop that oil spill, I mean that zombie epidemic. No heroes are really required for the job, meaning Cloud and Tifa and the whole gang can just go shopping at Hot Topic instead.
Halo Protested On a Daily Basis:
Earth is a hectic place to live, what with the fight constantly needing be finished. Aliens are popping up left and right with giant ships just to mess with us. At least we’re totally behind Master Chief.
BUT HOLD ON! This is a war, right? Those are BAD! Assuming we’re still our Earth, there will be those that believe the war is completely just. Then there will be the other half that opposes the war purely because it’s a war and those are always unjust. They attacked us first? That’s probably just because we were messing around in their solar system. You’d have a heck of a time getting anywhere as a soldier on the planet without someone picketing you and calling you a grunt killer.
Link Out of a Job:
Whereas Mario is the best option to save the Mushroom Kingdom, Link always steps up to the challenge and restores peace to Hyrule by rescuing Zelda. Otherwise he wouldn’t have much of a reason to do anything, would he?
BUT HOLD ON! Unemployment rates are ridiculous these days, meaning that there would be more than enough capable people just hanging around, ready for a chance to save a princess. Sure Link may be the Hero of Time, but with the right motivation, anyone could do what he does and restore the peace. It’s not like there’s a whole lot to do in Hyrule, anyway.
Silent Hill Subject To a Michael Moore Documentary:
If you had to pick one place of the world to avoid, it’d have to be Silent Hill. It’s a town suffering from, essentially, Hell owning all the real estate. Demons regularly appear and if you find yourself trapped within city limits you’re pretty much screwed, aren’t you?
BUT HOLD ON! What other town is best suited for a sadsack documentary ridiculing the shortcomings if the United States than a town devoid of all decency? Michael Moore would be there so fast that it’s scary, and naturally he’d go on and on until the Powers That Be intervened to shut him up. In Essence, Silent Hill would become an overnight tourist trap and eliminate any and everything that made it the place we love to fear.
Thousands of Greenhorns Attempt to Ford the River:
Ah the Oregon Trail. The promise of a better life after a trip of hardship is something we’re just programmed to love living in the land of the American Dream. Therefore, the Oregon Trail becomes a great choice, especially since Oregon is pretty danged sweet.
BUT HOLD ON! If you’ve ever played the Oregon Trail, you know the dangers of fording the river. You have to be an intelligent, experienced player even to CONSIDER fording the river. Sadly, too many fools would start fording the river willy-nilly, thinking it’s cool or something, and thousands would die. And since extra lives cost more these days, it’d be sad.
Real World Controls Enter The Gaming World:
Video games have the advantage of being ridiculous distractions from the real world. Depending on the game, a single button press could result in you destroying the world. How cool! Precise controls are a great thing, aren’t they?
BUT HOLD ON! Next thing you know they’ll start trying to tell us the cool new thing is moving around while you’re gaming to do simple tasks and- Oh wait…
PETA Would Go Nuts About Star Fox:
If I could voice one video game character, I think I’d want to voice Fox McCloud. In fact, if I could WRITE one game, it’d be a new Star Fox game, mostly because we really need a new Star Fox game. The whole game concept is just too much fun. Animals in space? I’m there!
BUT HOLD ON! Animals in space?! You’re sending these poor creatures into almost certain DEATH?! It doesn’t matter if it’s other animals sending these animals into space, that stuff doesn’t fly with PETA. Granted, there’s a high chance these space wars won’t happen anyway due to protests, but rest assured, if that fox got into space, PETA would be there screaming about it and making their own game to mock the practice.
And I’m spent. How ridiculous of me. I’m all done thinking about the real world intersecting with video games, but what about you? Can you think of any ways the real world would ruin our lovely fantasies? Leave a comment and let me know. In the mean time, I have a river to ford.