We live in a very sophisticated day and age (note that age never precedes day) in which gaming has been taken to a whole new level, no pun intended . Okay, maybe pun intended just a little. As I sit here in my shorts without a shirt, listening to the yappy dog right outside my window sure to get a good stomping in about five minutes, I feel it is time to reflect on the culture that defines so many of us. But how does one “game” “correctly?” That is what I am here to do. Follow these simple steps.
First, you are probably dressed incorrectly for your hobby. Are you wearing a shirt? This could already be a problem. Shirts are typically optional when playing video games. However, the exception comes when your shirt has some sort of video game character or reference on it. Does it say “Your Princess Is On Another T-Shirt?” It darn well better, otherwise there’s a chance you’re wearing a button-up shirt with a popped collar, and if that happens to be the case, Lord have mercy on your soul because I sure won’t.
Now that you’re dressed like a slob (assuming you’re dressed at all), you need to get into the mood. Are you playing alone or with friends? That’s a trick question, because you’re either playing alone or against a bunch of other people also playing alone. No, the stereotype that gamers have no friends is completely wrong. We just prefer not to include said friends when we’re gaming because, let’s be honest, all your friends piss you right the heck off when they play games with you. It is a fact that everyone one else playing a game near you is stupid, terrible, and using hax just because they know you hate them so much. And when you use hax, they get mad because they’re haxing harderer than you. Those don’t sound like friends, do they? Good, so remember to isolate yourself in your own little bubble of You. No one else is allowed, especially other thoughts, however rational they may be.
Choose a place to sit in the room. Where is your TV located? If you answered anything other than “About a foot from my face,” you are not seated in the proper location. Please scoot forward until the bloom from your favorite game is hurting your eyes. That pain is good. It will focus you. Focus now! Stay with me! Good, pick a comfy chair to sit in. “But Chris, pain is good, right?” No, you simpleton, and don’t interrupt me. Eyestrain is a good sort of pain. You can fight through that and make your eyes stronger. Back pain is a whole new degree of foolishness. Once your back goes you’ll never talk about anything again save for your back hurting. No, get a chair with good support. You won’t be leaving that spot for some time now, so you need it to sustain a heavy-duty butt whomping.
Wait! Did you go to the bathroom first? Oh you silly, foolish twit. You should have gone, because once you begin gaming, there is no time for a bathroom break. You’ll just have to hold it. Some gamers will tell you it’s “teh hardcorz” to use a sock or a soda bottle, but listen to them for a minute. They don’t even know how to spell “the.” And you want to take advice from these pedantic Mongoloids? I thought I had taught you better.
It is important to decide far ahead of time what you prefer to snack on whilst you pwn newbs. Did you pick a greasy, cheese-covered snack? You thought that’d impress me? Oh how wrong you are! You have two choices for snacks and they come down to either unsalted almonds or some sort of clean fruit or vegetable like grapes, carrots, or beef jerky (that’s a fruit, right?). The worse the food is, that doesn’t mean it’ll be good gamer fuel. In fact, if you’re drinking something that calls itself “Gamer Fuel,” stop. You’ve been duped. You’re going to be sitting for long periods of time, and as a sluggish blob, you’ll need things that keep your minds sharp and your fingers clean. Plus, you know what Gamer Fuel feels like coming out the end of the processing line. It’s not the most pleasant thing, is it? My advice, and this goes double for V-8, is to make V-8 your new “Gamer Fuel.” Hear that V-8? Do that and you’ll make millions, which you can then pay unto me for the idea. Go do that everyone. Especially V-8 with the paying of me millions.
So which game have you selected to play? Is it an online game such as Modern Warfare or Bad Company 2? Take your headset and turn the microphone away from your mouth. You will not need to speak into it. You will, however, need to hear the moronic drivel coming from the other pitiful excuses for gamers, i.e. children under ten, in order to know where to target your next grenade. It does not matter if they are on your team, either. If someone begins complaining, blow them a new USB port. However, you must never make a sound. You are to act as the ninja, silent like the night yet deadly like the clam. What? There was a terrifying giant clam in the old Batman show that ate Robin. That freaked me out. Just like the ninja.
If, however, you’ve decided to play a true single player game such as Mario or Final Fantasy, you need to learn to block out all forms of verbal and visual communication coming from anything but your TV. If a female walks into the way, you should be so focused she is literally transparent. If, however, she manages to appear as if she’s on TV, perhaps with a clever TV disguise, she clearly has something very important to tell you, such as where the Hookshot can be found or why the house is currently on fire (though that could all just be a trick, sniff for smoke first before shutting off your game).
Now comes the tricky part: Playing with grace. As I mentioned, you must be silent and deadly like the ninja, yet calm like a monk of some sort. Have you ever seen a monk freak out when he’s playing a video game? No, and don’t give me answers like “I’ve never seen a monk play a video game.” Perhaps they were so calm when they did it that you didn’t notice, or they focused so hard on the game that they ceased to be visible (this is naturally your goal because if you’re invisible, your wife can’t find you to tell you the house is on fire).
When you lose, and you will lose from time to time in your game, do not throw your controller or scream. Bottle this rage inside you. Breaking a controller is not a satisfying experience. The remorse will hit you almost instantly afterward, reminding you that controllers these days cost upwards of $40 that could have gone toward new gamer shirts. Channel your rage unto your enemies, such as the poorly programmed enemies you face or the ten-year-old f-words online. These are not people and when they break they do not cost you $40 or more. They only reward you with sweet satisfaction.
Once you have completed your gaming day, be courteous and wrap up any spare cords, turn off the TV, and place all gaming-related accessories where they’re supposed to go, otherwise someone might trip on and break them or worse, you console. Also, go check and see if anyone tried to speak to you while you were ignoring them. Perhaps they were trying to tell you they bought you a new game. Any rage you’ve been bottling should also be gone now. This assumes you beat whatever it was you were trying to beat. If you did not accomplish your task, go back to step one and repeat until you stop failing. Nothing shames a gamer more than defeat, even a gracious one.
With these few tips in mind, you should have no problem succeeding as a gamer in the world of today. I can’t speak for the world of tomorrow, but good luck to you if that’s where you happen to live. In the meantime, with these simple guidelines in place, go forth and enjoy. Also send me money, for my hobby requires vast amounts of money that I do not have. That is all.
Want more articles all about nerdly love? Check these out: