So Metroid: Other M is now out. I haven’t played it yet. Notice that “yet” there. Don’t worry, I intend to play through this one as soon as possible, I just haven’t yet. Still, it’s my duty to inform our many, er, several readers about the big Wii game that’s got everyone talking. What I say here is more or less a recap of all other reviews, plus my own personal opinion on what I know. With those qualifiers in mind, let’s review us some Metroid.

Oh don't look so perplexed. You just gained the ability to speak, that's all.

As you’ve probably already heard, Metroid: Other M is developed by Team Ninja, the same developers behind Ninja Gaiden and Dead or Alive. You can rest easy knowing that Samus has not been sexualized past what she was already. You may be disappointed to learn that her other defining characteristic, staying silent, is completely done away with. She talks in cutscenes constantly, and apparently what she says is clichéd and obvious, as if she’s describing the scene like you were reading a book instead of watching it happen.

That seems to be a general complaint: The writing is dull and clichéd. It’s tricky because for a Metroid game to have Samus speak, you can’t just have “acceptable” dialogue for her. The consensus is Team Ninja couldn’t clear the bar for Samus’ character. They did soar right over the bar in terms of cutscenes though. The Wii’s processors must be spinning like crazy to keep up with whatever voodoo Team Ninja pulled off to craft cutscenes that look as nice as they do. Those alone might just be worth the $50 purchase.

Dang, that's pretty sick right there.

The other big question comes down to whether the controls are good or not. Fusing 2.5D platforming with some First Person Shooting, Metroid: Other M takes a huge risk. Just like Metroid Prime before it, Other M either meshes perfectly with the player or pushes them away completely. You’ll either love the new gameplay style or you’ll hate it. Yes, I’m being wishy-washy, but that’s what I’m reading from everywhere. Some people think the game plays great, others think it needs a tune-up. There have been multiple complaints about some of the FPS sections where the game forces you into the fixed camera point from Samus’ perspective until you can find whatever thing you’re supposed to find, a task multiple reviewers claim took them over ten minutes in places. So be warned about that.

Other than that, reviewers are looking favorably on this title due mostly to the graphics but also from the more-or-less solid gameplay. The cutscenes are regarded as the selling points and while Samus needs to hush up, the story is said to have some pretty good twists in the later half. This one will certainly be a love-it or leave-it game.

At the very least there is a ton of action.

But what do I think? I’m just happy that Team Ninja didn’t just put Samus in a bikini and parade her through some waterfalls, but I do wish she didn’t talk. I’m not going to be elitist and just not play Other M because of things I disagree with though since that’s just pointless. I’m sure I’ll love it when I play it, but Other M just means one thing I really hate: The Prime series is officially done. I want Retro Studios back at the helm of Metroid and I want to see what comes next. Metroid Prime 3 was too good a game to leave me hanging.

And that’s all there is to say about Metroid: Other M until I have it in my hands. The game isn’t terribly long, and the difficulty is said to be much simpler than previous Metroid games, so don’t feel too daunted by this one. Just don’t complain about the change of form. We’ve all been proven wrong in the past.

Want more game reviews? Check these out:

-Scott Pilgrim vs This Game Review: FIGHT!

-Wake Up And Smell The Puns: A Review of Alan Wake

-Outlaws to the End: A Review of Red Dead Redemption

Also, be sure to read the Metroid Retrospective as well!

So Kyle and I are heading to PAX for a while to interview as many people as we can. How we got passes to PAX is a mystery all in itself, but the bottom line is that we’ll be doing and seeing some fun stuff, so we want to know if there’s anything you faithful readers want us to see while we’re there. Is there a game you’d like to know about or a developer you’d like to hear an interview from? Leave a comment and let us know. Otherwise, we’ll be back next week with even more new stuff.

Guess what comes out on the 31st? Metroid: Other M. I’ll have a review for that eventually, but in the meantime, I wanted to take the time to write about my experiences with the Metroid series, a series that is seriously fantastic. It may be surprisingly, but the Metroid series has in recent years become a much larger success in teh USA rather than its home ocuntry of Japan. How odd. If you’ve played a Metroid game or two, you probably already know how good the franchise is. If you haven’t played a Metroid game before, then great, this will be new territory for you. Let’s head to outer space and follow Samus around for her various missions, today for my Metroid retrospective.

Metroid (1986):

This is a classic game, so how can you go wrong?

To be completely honest, the first Metroid game, while enjoyable, is a game I’ve never beaten. I own it and played it a few times, but I couldn’t progress far enough in the game to the point of finishing Samus’ first adventure. Still, what I did play was very cool. At the time there just weren’t any other games like this one around. The concept of a side-scrolling platformer with action thrown in was one thing, but having a game built around exploration and character progression? That was something completely new. Add on a very good password system (Justin Bailey anyone?) and the surprise that Samus Aran a woman and you’ve got yourself a classic game.

Metroid II: Return of Samus (1991):

So simple, but so much fun.

It was odd for me but when I picked up Metroid II on the Game Boy I was expecting something of lesser quality than the first game. In yet another surprise, Metroid II has better graphics. It’s also stupidly difficult. Instead of progressing through the world like the previous game, looking for the next power-up to lead to the final boss, Metroid II tasked the player (and Samus I guess) with finding all Metroids and terminating them, eventually leading to a fight against one heck of a Metroid Queen. I was very proud of myself for finishing this one, but I’m not sure I could ever beat it again if I tried. I also, unfortunately, had to look up a map online just to figure out where to go. Seriously, how did gamers function back in the day? We must have just had more time I guess.

Super Metroid (1994):

Why do they insist on making these boss fights so hard?

Many gamers will have you believe that Super Metroid is the greatest game on the SNES. Many gamers have a very strong argument. Super Metroid takes everything that was great about the previous two games and kicks it up a notch, making for one hell of an SNES game. The graphics, music, and gameplay are all amazing, but the difficulty remains placed well above the abilities of normal gamers. Seriously, these games are hard. But Super Metroid pulls off the delicate balance of being difficult without feeling unfair, and even mixes in a great story with some light dramatic elements. It’s a good thing this game is on the Virtual Console if you can’t find the physical cartridge.

Metroid Prime (2002):

Man, that's an epic boss right there.

I had never played a Metroid game before hearing that Metroid Prime was announced. Despite that, when I learned that they were diverging from the classic 2D Metroid style into a 3D First Person Shooter, I instantly said, “No, this is stupid.” Then I got Metroid Prime for Christmas one year and popped it in my GameCube to see if it was any good. In a word: Yes. Metroid Prime is currently my third favorite game of all time, a game I’ve played through numerous times and still want to play through again. I even beat this one on the hardest difficulty setting with 100% completion. Metroid has always been about the feelings of isolation and aloneness as Samus wanders dead, empty worlds fighting off whatever she can with whatever she can, but in Metroid Prime that feeling gets heightened due to playing from Samus’ perspective. Couple this with a truly haunting soundtrack and it’s hard to do better. Whenever I hear the music play for Phendrana Drifts I still get shivers and a tear comes to my eye. Plus, the boss fight against Metroid Prime stands as one of the best I can recall. Just a perfect game all around.

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes (2004):

Light Suit? My favorite suit from the series.

I thought it was weird that I seemed to be the only individual excited about Metroid Prime 2. You want to guess why? Halo 2 was also coming out around the same time. Dang. I still picked up Metroid Prime 2 and blasted through it, loving it for what it was once more. This time, something new happened in a Metroid game: Interactions with people! It was really refreshing to see Samus speaking with someone, er, well, seeing them speak to her. The game was still packed with the isolated feeling, but it wasn’t so overpowering this time. A lot of gamers seamed to hate the Light World/Dark World thing going on in this game, but I didn’t mind it. This was yet another game I beat with 100% completion on the hardest difficulty, and yeah, it was certainly harder than the first Prime game. At this point, I was just eager to see how this trilogy would end.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (2007):

Adding extra characters in a Metroid game can be risky, but they pulled it off.

Gamers got in a stink when they found out Metroid Prime 3 wouldn’t have multiplayer. How stupid do you have to be to say you’re not buying a Metroid game due to a lack of multiplayer? “I won’t purchase this washing machine because it doesn’t play DVD’s.” Whatever, that didn’t effect me at all since, awesome, the controls only got better and the series only keep staying great. Prime 3 was even less about feeling isolated, and best of all, dialogue was granted full voice-over work. Excellent! Getting to point the Wiimote at the screen and shoot with precision was near perfect, and the difficulty remained fair but challenging. The worlds to explore were huge and filled with nooks and crannies everywhere, so my exploration itch was scratched. And wouldn’t you know it, they managed to give Samus some real character depth and growth without resorting to overly dramatic moments or even clichéd voice-overs. There’s at least one scene where Samus silently wrestles with the actions she’s been forced to take during the game, and I’ll admit, I got misty-eyed. My only frustration was that if you get the 100% completion, you see a cutscene that implies the series has more to do, but I know Retro Studios isn’t the one making them, so what am I to do?

Metroid Prime Pinball (2005):

Yup, that looks like pinball alright.

I wasn’t quite sure why Nintendo got bit by the pinball bug so often, but Metroid was turned into a pinball game for some strange reason. Metroid Prime Pinball was a retelling of the first Metroid Prime game via the pinball medium, because that made sense. Oh well, this is pinball, so the point isn’t to reinvent the wheel, just provide fantastic pinball, which was what happened here. It was just pinball with a Metroid flair, so I don’t have much, if anything, to say here. I enjoyed playing the game when I’d be standing in a Game Crazy dinking around on the demo systems, but that was as far as I went with this one. Still worth it if you love you some pinball.

Metroid Prime Hunters (2006):

Surprisingly, the DS works really well for FPS games.

I thought Metroid Prime Hunters was going to be a launch title for the Nintendo DS, but it wasn’t. It did, however, come with a Metroid Prime Hunters demo packed in, a demo that I played over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to think about it, but when the game actually came out, I was overall pleased. Gone was the majority of the Metroid feel, replaced by a pretty good multiplayer atmosphere. Samus was now competing against six other bounty hunters with unique powers and guns, allowing for entertaining multiplayer matches. The main problem the game suffered from was the control scheme. It is pretty much impossible to play this game without your pinky and ring fingers going numb. Your other hand is also going to be super tired from having to hold the DS by itself and pressing the shoulder button to fire. The game controls great, but it comes at a vast personal loss. Oh, and while the multiplayer is good, playing online against anyone will make you never want to play online again. I hate getting beaten that badly so often. How is that fun? Meh, I was just happy to have finished this title.

Metroid Fusion (2002):

The GBA was just built for Metroid, if you ask me.

Fusion was probably my first 2D Metroid game, if I remember correctly. It was very, very good, despite the usual difficulty that goes hand-in-hand with Metroid games. The controls were great, the music was great, the graphics were great, great great great. I have no idea how anyone can get the best ending though. In order to obtain the perfect ending, you have to beat the game with 100% completion in under two hours. That’s insane. I had a friend who borrowed the game from me and decided to attempt this. Over the course of a week, he replayed the game again and again in order to map the fastest route for getting everything. At the end of his epic week, he tore through the game with a 100% completion score in exactly two hours. He was furious. Why? Because you have to have 1:59 or less on your game file to get the perfect ending. His 2:00 only rewarded him with the second best ending. I don’t think he ever played a Metroid again, and I wouldn’t blame him.

Metroid Zero Mission (2004):

Okay, I take it back. The Zero Suit is my favorite suit.

Zero Mission is a remake of the original Metroid and holds a special place in my heart as the first game I beat in its entirety while on the clock at Game Crazy. Yes, Game Crazy paid me to stand around playing a Metroid game since there were no customers and I had done everything in the store, leaving me with tons of free time to play through Samus’ first adventure. Since this is a remake of the original game, I consider this beating all the Metroid games. Is that cheating? Well of course it is. Zero Mission added a bit more after the main story was resolved, sort of like an incentive to play the remake even if you’ve played the original. The differences between the two games are vast, and honestly I prefer this take much better, maybe because I was able to beat this one. No matter, you should play Zero Mission if you haven’t already because it is super fun.

And that concludes my experience with the Metroid series, save for Other M. I’m still on the fence about buying it, but I’ll be sure to let you know what the reviews are saying. In the meantime, why don’t you tell me about your time with the Metroid series. Are you a fan? Or could you just never get into it? Leave a comment and let your voice be heard. Or pull a Samus and don’t speak, whatever.

Want more retrospectives? Check these out:

-Mario: A Retrospective

-My Pokemon Team Over The Years

-Crash Bandicoot: A Retrospective

So Scott Pilgrim is both an awesome graphic novel and a kickass movie. But wait, there’s more! Scott Pilgrim also has a game for the Playstation Network and Xbox Live Arcade called Scott Pilgrim vs The World: The Game. I bought it, played it, and beat it. So is it any good? It’s Scott Pilgrim vs Chris Pranger, today, on Toy-TMA!

Some of you have already played Scott Pilgrim’s arcade game on the PSN since it was released a few weeks ago. However, the XBLA didn’t get the game until this last Wednesday, and since I don’t own a PS3, I had to wait. As soon as I could on Wednesday afternoon, I went onto the XBLA and bought Scott Pilgrim’s game. Okay, first I had to buy $10’s worth of XBLA points, which is crap because I had roughly $4 in points and just needed $6 more, but you can’t buy $6’s worth of points, only $5 or $10. That’s also crap. Oh yeah, the game!

Ready, set, START!

The Scott Pilgrim movie had me sold the moment the Universal logo came on all pixilated with a chiptunes soundtrack. The Universal logo appears at the beginning of the game, though it’s just the normal logo and everything. That was…kind of disappointing. Okay, whatever, that’s not the game. Onto the game.

The game is good. I was extremely hesitant when I learned Ubisoft was the one handling the Scott Pilgrim game property, mostly because I’ve seen how Ubisoft has handled the TMNT property (spoiler: not very well). Thankfully, they got things right, for the most part. And I’m going to be using that qualifier a lot here: “For the most part.” Get used to it.

There was a lot Ubisoft could have got wrong. Thankfully, they didn't screw things up too badly.

So you have four choices of characters between Scott, Kim Pine, Steven Stills, and Ramona Flowers. I played through the game as Scott because it made the most sense to me. It’s nice to have the four options to choose from, but I honestly would have liked more. I kind of wanted to play as Wallace, or even Young Neil, and especially Knives, but I’m stuck with these four choices. That’s okay I guess, for the most part.

Alright, combat. Combat is good, for the most part, insomuch as you have some basic attacks and then level up to gain new abilities. Your four main buttons let you jump, block, light melee and strong melee, but you quickly gain the ability to do a heck of a lot more. The tough part about combat is that you really, really need the higher-up moves to survive later in the game, but you can only gain those by leveling up, i.e. grinding your character a bit. Granted, you’ll be retrying some levels due to dying so it’ll balance itself out, but be aware that there is some grinding involved to beat the game.

My big complaint with combat falls on the limitation of the 2-D sprites. They look awesome, no complaints there, but frequently, as with a lot of old-school beat-‘em-ups, you’ll be trying to hit someone with an attack and they’re just slightly above your character’s plain, so you don’t hit them, almost like they’re literally a flat, 2-D character that can move in 3-D. It’s not awful, but it’s something that frustrated me about older games and it’s still broken today.

Maybe the grind isn't so bad with friends, but I'll never know.

If you have to pick one game that Scott Pilgrim borrows from the most, besides the numerous references, it is River City Ransom for the NES, a super sweet beat-‘em-up that plays almost identical to Scott Pilgrim: The Game in terms of combat. However, that’s not a bad thing at all because I loved River City Ransom. The big thing it did was incorporate weapons for use by all characters. You can pick up trashcans, bats, snowballs, even downed enemies, and either beat your foes with it or hurl it across the screen. This would be great, except for the fact that my character hardly ever wants to pick up an item when I command him to. You have to be standing in just the right spot to grab the item, and then if an enemy hits you, probably from behind because that’s where they like to stand, then you drop the item and have to pick it up again. Even worse, I repeatedly injured myself throwing an item, only to have it bounce off the edge of the screen and smack me in the face. That’s annoying, even more so when you keep doing it by accident.

All things aside, the game is really fun, for the most part. Levels do a good job of varying things up, and enemies range pretty well between standard and specialized enemies. Everything remains pretty fun until the final level against Gideon. The first boss fight with him is pretty simple once you figure things out. Then comes the second boss fight, a fight that was absolutely terrible. My fun plummeted for a few reasons. The first is that the second fight required almost zero skill. Just keep rushing up and beating away until you get super-punched. Then, when you ARE super-punched, you get hurled across the screen. This wasn’t fun because I’d get punched, hurled, land, and instantly punched again before I could do anything. I wasn’t at risk of losing the match because I had leveled Scott up enough to withstand crap like that, but still, I hated that finale.

The funny thing is, if this had come out on the SNES it would be considered an honored classic today.

Now comes the worst part of the review: Things that broke for me. I’m talking literally, as in “Times while playing where the game glitched and broke.” Simple things happen all the time, such as an enemy getting knocked out but remaining in the background, untouchable and just standing there doing nothing, but then there were bigger problems. For one, I keep hearing the music pull an 8-bit skip similar to what the NES would do right before crashing. Moments when the music stretches a note for a second longer than it should freaks me out and sends me back to the days when at any moment the game could freeze up and have to be restarted.

However, the worst glitch happened in the last level of the game when fighting that second form of Gideon. Before even getting to the boss encounter, you have to run across a random floating pathway, then jump on some clouds to the final platform. This is fine, but I fell off the pathway. Normally, when that happens you’re just placed back on the pathway with a few health points reduced. For me, instead of falling off and being placed back on, I somehow fell through the top layer of the game, meaning I was running around in the background unable to do anything. I ran to the spawn point for Gideon, and he showed up, but he couldn’t touch me and I couldn’t touch him. I then ran past the edge of the screen to the literal edge of what the programmers had programmed, and found myself in a white void. I was forced to restart the level, super pissed and with little confidence in the game’s QA department.

My final gripe is that the multiplayer is local only. I really want to play multiplayer here, but that would require me to have enough friends with Xbox 360 controllers who care about Scott Pilgrim AND who like beat-‘em-ups, and that combo isn’t easy to come by. If the multiplayer supported Xbox Live players, too, similar to how the TMNT Arcade Game does, then everything would be roses. Oh well, the single player is still good, for the most part.

Scott, teach me your ways, and I shall in turn teach you why some of them are wrong.

I just don’t know what to think about Scott Pilgrim’s game. It’s a fun game, and the references to other games only makes things better. The game has tons of personality and is by all regards a fun game to play. I just wanted more, I guess. I can play through the TMNT Arcade Game over and over because it’s short and simple. Scott Pilgrim is a game I don’t really want to play through again right away because I know the amount of work it requires, but after the game is beat, there’s not much else to do except replay it. I know there are a Boss Rush mode and a Zombie Hoard thing, but I don’t know where those are since they’re not listed. All I’m really left to do is complete a few silly achievements should I choose (seriously, 10 points for getting through a level untouched and 20 for just buying everything at a store? Are you kidding me?).

For you, the choice of whether to buy the game rests on your love of Scott Pilgrim and beat-‘em-up games. The game does both of those really well, but as a whole, it’s somewhat lacking. Pick it up if you have the points to spare, otherwise, maybe wait until this goes on sale with a half-price deal or something. Scott Pilgrim barely wins video game.

Want more game reviews? Check these out:

-Why Are You Reading This? StarCraft II Wings of Liberty Review

-Outlaws to the End: A Review of Red Dead Redemption

-An Epic Gaming Session: A Review of God of War III

I’ve been thinking about Pokemon a lot lately. Part of this is because of the nice commenters on the Best Of and Worst Of Pokemon lists I posted a while ago. People were mad about which ten I liked best, and equally mad about the ten I liked least. So I figured I’d finally come out and show what my teams were over the many years I’ve been playing. This includes only the Game Boy and DS games since the games on the GameCube were, well, meh. These are the versions I owned and played, and this list isn’t intended to be a “Best Pokemon Strategies” retrospective, but rather a “This Is How I Got Through The Games” retrospective. So kick back and enjoy a nice trip down memory road.

Blue Version:

I know some of your are going to argue that Red Version was better. I don't care; I know you're wrong.

As with most Pokemon fans, I started with the first generation, specifically Blue Version (I don’t care if you think Red Version’s better, I didn’t play that one so shove off). I played through the whole game a few times, but I came to prefer a few specific Pokemon over others. Naturally, my Jolteon was my favorite, having a Thunder attack that never missed, plus Pin Missile for Psychics-types and Double Kick for any Rock-type that tried to take Jolteon down.

No one should ever question my Jolteon. No one. He'll eat your family and not care.

Second to Jolteon was Mewtwo, entirely overpowered with Psychic and Recover, but come on, if you have a Psychic-type and didn’t teach it Psychic, you were playing the game wrong. In fact, I taught Psychic to pretty much every Pokemon that could learn it. My Gengar for instance had a nice variety of attacks, Psychic included, as well as Thunder and Giga Drain, a big overkill against Water-types but very useful in a pinch. Combo those crazy-powerful moves with Hypnosis and it was almost like cheating.

Also critical to my team was a beastly Rhydon that knew the all-important Ground-type move, Earthquake. There just wasn’t a better Ground-type move in my eyes. Besides knowing Horn Drill, a one-hit K.O. that somehow hit way more than it was statistically supposed to, I taught my Rhydon surf. Did you know Rhydon could learn Surf? Dang, if not then you’re REALLY playing the game wrong.

I didn’t know a lot of other players who favored Golduck, but he was one of my original favorites (he was in the top 15 of my original Best Of list). I gave him Surf, as required, as well as a few other attacks, but it was Confusion that gave him the best edge since most Grass-types were also Poison-types during the first generation.

And hey, why not? Can't go wrong with the ol' fire starter.

My last Pokemon was Charizard (check the Deviant Art yo!) with the classic Fire-type move Fire Blast. I also gave him Fly to deal with fighting types and Dig to combat the Rock-types whenever they came out. Overall, I stuck pretty much exclusively to this team, specifically when going through both Pokemon Stadium 1 & 2, and it worked out for me pretty well. It was rare that I’d have to use more than two Pokemon per battle, so I must have done something right.

Yellow Version:

Game Freaks: Smart move making Pikachu a Pokemon actually worth using.

By the time Yellow Version came out I was pretty well addicted to Pokemon, and when I learned that it actually adhered closer to the anime in terms of story and a few other things, I thought it was awesome. While my team didn’t initially seem all that interesting (my team was almost exactly Trainer Red’s team from Pokemon Gold/Silver), it was when I decided to take on the Poke Cup in Pokemon Stadium that I knew I’d need some serious strategy, so I planned accordingly. I’m extremely proud of this team, but it may look odd for a few reasons. However, it makes sense if you understand the restraints of the Poke Cup: Pokemon between levels 50-55 only and when you select three Pokemon for a particular match their combined levels cannot equal more than 155.

I was very addicted to the Pikachu the game provided me with, (as well as most recently with this Deviant Artist’s Pikachu) so I used him as the usual opener for most battles. He knew Thunder Wave and Thunderbolt, two good Electric-type moves for reliability. If I intended to go the distance in a fight, I paralyzed my opponent, then started spamming Double Team for stupid-high evasiveness. And if I needed one last good oomph, I used Mega Kick.

Charizard returned with moves identical to the ones previously described from my Blue Version party. And while he was effective, my real beast this time became a Nidoking that knew Earthquake, Toxic, and Ice Beam. Oh man, knowing an Ice-type attack comes in so handy when you least expect it, especially these generations. If you can take any advice from me, it’s to teach Ice-type moves whenever possible.

I used a Gyarados for my Water-type needs, though I also taught it Thunder in case I was fighting another Water-type. Oh, and Hyperbeam, just because Hyperbeam is such a cool attack. Totally ineffective if you use it at the wrong time, but man, when it finished a match, it was just sweet.

For a real change I threw in Dragonair. Why not Dragonite? Because Dragonite would have to be level 55 and I had to plan my team properly. It worked better to have most Pokemon at level 51 and 52 so that I could balance stats better. Having the rest of my party a few levels higher was much more beneficial than having one at the max level. Anyway, my Dragonite knew Thunderbolt, Blizzard, and Surf, making it a good all-around Pokemon for usefulness and raw power in most situations.

Okay, I'll admit, maybe I didn't hate Mew all that much.

But I still needed a suitable Psychic-type in my team, otherwise I’d get stomped way too easily. Therefore, Alakazam was brought in with Psychic and Dig, just in case it needed to escape for an attack round. To be honest though, the reason I had an Alakazam was because I learned my Mew couldn’t be used in the Poke Cup, even though I had trained it with Psychic, Rock Slide, Mega Punch, and Metronome in case I wanted a last-ditch attack. This team someone led me to victory in the Poke Cup, and since then I haven’t used nearly as much strategy in my teams.

Silver Version:

While Silver Version was my favorite, I didn’t have the energy required to think out elaborate strategies for teams and then go about training them properly. Things were just quickly becoming too much for me to handle. Still, I had a few staples of my party.

Staples like this beast right here.

My number one, Feraligatr, was my go-to guy for the majority of the game. The Elite Four were a real pain in my side until I came up with the genius idea to teach Feraligatr Ice Punch, thus making him an ultra dominator against Lance’s entire team of Dragons. And if Psychic-types appeared, a good old-fashioned Bite sent them packing. Feraligatr went through the Elite Four more than fifty times, helping to raise dozens of younger Pokemon to evolution.

And while Feraligatr was incredibly useful, sometimes I still needed a good Psychic-type to deal with wannabies. Lugia was good for that, knowing Psychic, Recover, and Surf, plus Aeroblast just because. Still, while Lugia was pretty useful against most types, against other Psychic-types the best option was my Tyranitar with Crunch, the Psychic-killer. He also knew Rock Slide, Earthquake, and Fire Punch to axe any poser getting too close.

The rest of my team was kind of hit-or-miss, getting used the majority of the game but not really standing out much. I used an Ampharos for a while that knew Thunder, Thunder Wave, Iron Tail, and Fire Punch, giving it pretty decent coverage against opponents, but no matter what I did, Ampharos never felt that powerful. I used a red Gyarados with no real spectacular moves, and a Donphan that knew Earthquake and Rollout. See? My Silver Version team is just unspectacular. I didn’t need anyone other than my Feraigatr, Lugia, and Tyranitar.

LeafGreen Version:

That's actually me in the background there, by the way. It was before the beard.

Are you wondering where my Sapphire Version team is? To be honest, I looked through the game to see whom I’d used and the results were painfully boring. I didn’t even put any time into catching and evolving the other Pokemon of the game. I simply just didn’t care.

LeafGreen is almost as bad. In fact, it might be worse because in looking at my team I can see that I haven’t even beaten the Elite Four yet. I also didn’t get a chance to trade any key Pokemon to evolve, so I have a Kadabra, a Haunter, and a Graveler rather than an Alakazam, a Gengar, and a Golem.

I didn’t even pick a starter I was happy with. My Squirtle became a Blastoise really quick, but I couldn’t make him very effective in any setting despite knowing Surf, Bite, and Dig. I don’t even have a sixth slot filled, currently in flux between one of the three Legendary Bird Pokemon of the game.

Maybe it was because he was a big stupid turtle with a canon on his back.

The only real standout here is my Persian, which I’ve mentioned before. I was absolutely determined to make this Pokemon work, so I taught it Dig, Bite, and Shock Wave. I don’t know why I expected that to be so cool, but that was as good as I could do, and it didn’t even provide me with a victory over the Elite Four. I promise you though, my fourth generation Pokemon are better.

Diamond Version:

I had the luck of having two close friends also huge on Pokemon at the time of Diamond and Pearl’s release. I picked up Diamond the same as my friend Trinh, whereas Thomas had Pearl. Along with this camaraderie came a significant drive to ACTUALLY play the game I bought. Just the other night I popped Diamond Version back into my DS and took on the Elite Four to train a few random Pokemon, and even though I had only beaten the Elite Four once before, this second time was no problem whatsoever.

I chose Piplup as my starter, deciding that a Water/Steel-type in a final evolution was a cool type to go with, even though I secretly wanted to have Chimchar (I just couldn’t get past the whole “It’s just Torchic but a monkey” thing). Now an Empoleon, it knows Blizzard (take that Dragons!), Drill Peck, Metal claw, and its all-powerful move Surf. I took town most of my opponents just by surfing them to death. Surf is the best Water-type move rather than Hydro Pump. Don’t believe me? Just use Surf enough and you’ll trust it over Hydro Pump.

This isn't me riding an Empoleon, but you get the picture.

I also found a ton of use out of my Staraptor, being another Pokemon I obtained almost at the very beginning of the game. While three of its four moves are Flying-type attacks, they all have a different use. I have Fly for most occasions, Aerial Ace for most others, and Brave Bird when I need to make sure my last attack finishes the battle. His fourth and final move is his best, though: Close Combat. A Fighting-type move for a Flying-type is so danged useful I don’t know why more people wouldn’t be singing its praise. All Steel, Rock, Normal, and Dark-types are screwed, especially since my Staraptor is holding a Fist Plate, making that close Combat even stronger.

Next up is a more traditional favorite, Gengar, back with some new moves. Still keeping Thunder, we add on Shadow Ball and Dark Pulse. Turns out Shadow Ball gets the most use of its four attacks, but Thunder does come in pretty handy. Also in the “classics” category is Golem, stacked with Earthquake, as all good Ground-types should be.

Luxray was a surprisingly great Electric-type, knowing Thunder Fang and Spark, but also learning Charge, enabling it to spend a turn powering up if I knew I wasn’t hitting my opponent that very second. Toss in Crunch and you’ve got yourself a real winner.

Holy crap! Shoop-da-whoop of Time!

And following all of these in my party as my “Reinforcement Pokemon” is Dialga with Metal Claw, Dragon Claw, Ancient Power, and the attack with the greatest name ever, Roar of Time. I don’t even care that it takes a turn to rest after wiping out my opponent; it is just too awesome.

So there you go, now you know my teams. I’m sure some of you have much better strategies than I do, so why don’t you tell me all about them in the comments. Be warned: If you outrage me enough I may unleash Roar of Time at you, and I promise you won’t like it.

Looking for more retrospectives? Check these out:

-Mario: A Retrospctive

-Zelda: A Retrospctive

-Smash Bros: A Retrospective

Since writing an overview of poker for the uninitiated, I have noticed how commonplace it is to find someone who has not played the traditional board games that populated my youth. But I think everyone is familiar with Yahtzee.

Origins and Comparisons

The official game began as an activity aboard a Canadian couple’s yacht in 1954 (dubbed “the yacht game” and later amended to Yahtzee). They soon asked their friend Edwin Lowe (a toy enterpriser) to make some sets of the game that they could use as gifts. Lowe agreed, in exchange for the rights to the game. By 1956, Yahtzee was being marketed as a thinking-man’s dice game.

With such a simple concept, aren't you a little frustrated you didn't think of it first?

Yahtzee bears many resemblances to “Generala” and “Yacht,” dice games from different areas of the world. A consistently popular game for families, Yahtzee was owned by Lowe until Milton Bradley bought his company. Currently, Hasbro owns the game, and estimates 50 million sets sold each year.

So Many Dice

Ironically for me and my recent article, the concept of Yahtzee came from a type of “dice poker” game, and consists of five dice and a scorecard. Players attempt to roll a three-of-a-kind, four-of-a-kind, full house, straight, or a yahtzee (all five dice are the same amount) in order to score higher. The poker-themed combinations are recorded on the lower part of the scorecard, while the higher portion scores you on the sum of the dice. Sorry, no bluffing. That’s called Liar’s Dice.

And this is a wholesome game; there's no room for liars.

The best part of Yahtzee for mathematicians is the probabilities and score possibilities that come from the five dice, three-roll setup. The maximum score is 375, but if the players are using Yahtzee bonuses it can be as high as 1575 points. The lowest theoretical score is 5, but that would require some special strategies of the player.

Since every turn in Yahtzee is three rolls, the probability of a yahtzee (five of a kind) in one turn is 1 in 22 attempts. When thinking about specific yahtzees (like five 2’s), that extrapolates to 1 in 75.

My History with Yahtzee

As a small child, I had no idea such a game existed. I called it the Mickey game, because my family’s set was a Disney collector’s set with Mickey Mouse in his sorcerer getup all over it. In fact, the dice had Mickey in the sorcerer hat instead of 5’s. I didn’t really know the rules until later.

Math was never, and shall never, be my strong suit. But I do remember learning my multiplication tables on the dice from a Yahtzee set. First we would play a fun game, then my father would ask what 5 times 5 was. I initially answered, “It’s a yahtzee. I win!” But I got better.

Even ol' Spud Head seems to know the value of Yahtzee.

It was later still that I applied my mad Yahtzee skills to a casino table. Yep, that family-friendly game taught me the initial concepts of poker, as well as how to calculate the probabilities of craps. Essentially, craps is just Yahtzee with an unnecessarily complicated betting system.

Value of the Game

With all the substandard board games out there today (“Twilight Scene-It” anybody?), I still take comfort in two particular classics: Scrabble and Yahtzee. One teaches vocabulary and spelling, while the other is an entire class on statistical math.

Yahtzee is a game that kids will find fun because of the dice, but as they get older it will become more fun because they are thinking, and Lowe originally marketed Yahtzee as the “Fun Game that Makes Thinking Fun!”

Maybe Lowe should have played more Scrabble. Yahtzee sets go for $10 to $20 depending on the vender and the version. Look for my personal favorite, Elvis Yahtzee, and the elegant Super Mario Yahtzee.

Want some more about classic games? Check out these articles:

-“Ain’t” Is Not a Word: A Scrabble Guide For The Lazy

-Like Capture The Flag With Bombs: A Stratego Retrospective

-Computers Must Be Stopped: A Short Chess Retrospective

The whole point of a Pokemon game is to catch, train, battle, and evolve Pokemon, right? Naturally. Most of the time you learn your Pokemon is evolving and think, “Right on! This will be SWEET!” But every so often you have to sit down and make the tough choice: “Do I REALLY want to evolve this one?” I looked through all 493 entries of the Pokedex and came to these startling inclusions in the list of 10 Pokemon You’d Rather Not Evolve. And keep in mind, if you like the pics, click the links to see more from the artists. Okay, housekeeping out of the way, so let’s read on!

10. Rattata:

I'm gonna be calling a lot of things cute today, so bear with me.

Pretty much every trainer starting out in Red or Blue version got their first five Pokeballs and went out to catch the basic “learning” Pokemon of the game such as Pidgey, Spearow, and Caterpie. Inevitably, you will catch a Rattata and probably think, “Aw, how cute this little guy is!” Then he’ll start to get stronger and faster and suddenly you learn to love him. Eventually the fated moment comes when he reaches level 20 and begins to evolve…only to turn into a big ol’ rat monster! What happened to my cute-yet-badass rat-friend? Suddenly he looks like he has a serious case of rabies and I don’t want anything to do with him, Hyper-Fang or not.

9. Jigglypuff:

I can't quite figure out why Jigglypuff had such a following, but she did kick a lot of butt in Melee.

One of the early big names from Pokemon was Jigglypuff for some strange reason. Super Smash Bros made the odd decision to include her as one of the 12 playable characters. When I caught a Jigglypuff in blue version, I spent some time dinking around with her, seeing what she could and couldn’t do. It was when I learned she could evolve via a Moonstone that my troubles really began. “What does Jigglypuff turn into?” I wondered. Well, she evolves into Wigglytuff, probably the most pitiful next evolution a designer could think of. “Uh, make her slightly bigger and give her longer ears.” “What, like a bunny?” “Sure, why the hell not?” “What do we name her?” “I don’t know, ‘Wigglytuff’ or some crap like that, I’ve got Charizards to design.” I was so disappointed that I left her in some random box in my computer and never spoke to her again.

8. Shellos:

Somehow they made a slug look cute. Well good on them for that.

Shellos is one of those weird Pokemon that you just can’t figure out. I didn’t really have high hopes for the next generation of Pokemon, but a slug thing? Yeah alright, that’s cool. At least Shellos was special in that there were two different-looking versions you could get: A blue version and a pink version, one from the East and one from the West. Sure, that was kind of cool, like Nidorans and whatnot. Then it evolved from a cute slug thing to a larger slug thing with horns. Ah. And the two evolved forms look pretty much identical except one is pink and one is blue. Oh. Okay then. I’ll just not catch any more slug Pokemon for a while, thanks.

7. Buizel:

This little guy could have easily been a main character of any other show.

Hey, we remember my thoughts on Buizel from a while ago, right? Of course we do. In fact, they got at least one commenter to instantly hate me because I didn’t like what Buizel becomes. Buizel is an ultra cute otter Pokemon with a few cool moves and a lot of potential. Floatzel looks like a 40-year-old transvestite. Should I even continue on? I’m not arguing usefulness of evolutions here; I’m just talking aesthetic appeal. Buizel made me want to snuggle it during naptime. Floatzel made me want to take multiple showers. Literally, it was like I brought home a cute girl, dated her for a while, and then on my wedding night realized she was a 40-year-old dude. I’ll never make that mistake again.

6. Bidoof:

Why do I keep making lists with Bidoofs in them?

Why is Bidoof making yet another appearance on a Pokemon list? That’s a good question. While Bibarel is not a terrible evolution in of itself, one must think of a deeper question: “How does one evolve into a Bibarel?” First, one must have a Bidoof. Secondly, one must train a Bidoof. Third, one must train a Bidoff enough that it evolves. This implies that I’d have to keep Bidoof in my party for longer than a few minutes. Well, my list clearly states “Pokemon I’d Rather Not Evolve,” so I’d say Bidoof fits in quite nicely there. Case closed. No one likes Bidoof.

5. Aipom:

Heh, silly monkey.

Gold and Silver versions were some seriously sweet games, weren’t they? One of the new Pokemon was a monkey-like critter named Aipom, found by headbutting bushes. Okay, sure, I can dig that logic. Aipoms had smiley faces and tails with what looked like a hand on the end (oh, “A Palm,” I see what you did there). I wasn’t big on Aipom as a Pokemon to keep and train, mostly because it didn’t evolve in Gold and Silver. I had my party, I didn’t need any more. Well, along comes Diamond and Pearl with a new evolution, just because. Ambipom, a super creepy monkey with two tail-hands and a smile that’d get most dudes sent to prison instantly. I don’t even know if Ambipom is a useful Pokemon or not. I’m just not letting that thing near my Buizel, if you get my drift.

4. Yanma:

A non-offensive Bug-type. Okay, I can live with that.

Yet another case of the 4th Pokemon generation screwing things up, Yanma was a simple enough Bug-type that filled the much-needed dragonfly slot in the Pokedex. If you’ve got bugs, you just need a dragonfly in there somewhere. It’s required. I’m not a fan of bugs, but Yanma was inoffensive and looked, as I’ve said for a lot of Pokemon on this list, kind of cute. Fast-forward two generations and take a look at Yanmega. AAAAAH! Why did they do that to Yanma?! It’s like if Bulbasaur evolved into Murdersaur and had blood dripping from its teeth and red eyes that hated anything alive. Good Lord, just get it away! Forget Bug-type Pokemon! This is all your fault Yanmega!

3. Glameow:

I can't help myself, I like cats.

If Buizel evolves into a 40-year-old transvestite, Glameow evolves into Rosie O’ Donnell. I’m a huge fan of cats, so much so that I seriously tried to make a Persian work for my party in Yellow version (fairly well I might add). A new cat tends to appear once a generation with Meowth starting things off, then Skitty, and even a few legendary big cats in Entei, Raikou, and Suicune. So along comes the 4th generation and throws in Glameow, a perfectly nice cat Pokemon. Cool, what could it possibly evolve into? Purugly, the biggest punchline ever to a Pokemon evolution. I mean, jeez, hell of a joke to throw in there, what with this pretty little kitty turning into a hambeast at level 38. Gah, I just want to figure out who’s in charge of this evolution business and give them a swift kick to the Cheribis.

2. Lickitung:

I suppose in the right setting, even Lickitung looks cool.

Did anyone really like Lickitung from the first Pokemon games? Be honest now, I need to know this for the sake of science and argument. Okay, I’m going to assume that no one stepped forward to back up Lickitung as worthy of existing in the first place. It was a weird “Hey alright, here’s a Pokemon with a long tongue” thing that was more a novelty for the most part. That’s totally fine. Then along comes some 4th generation designer and thinks, “You know which Pokemon really needs an evolution?” “Skarmory?” “No, heck no, I’m all about Lickitung.” “Oh, but not Skarmory?” “No I said! I want you to take Lickitung and make it even stupider looking, like it thinks it found some dignity somewhere by getting a really dumb haircut. Make that.” “But, uh, seriously, Skarmory can turn into Skarmorade and it’ll be no-“ “Lickilicky I said!” Aaaaaand scene.

1. Pikachu:

How could anyone really want to change this little furry guy?

The original mascot of the series, Pikachu is that one Pokemon that everyone knows and wants to catch. Game Freaks seems to even attempt to recreate Pikachu every new generation with some weird alternate Pikachu, such as Pichu, Plusle and Minum, and Pachirisu, more commonly referred to as “Pikasquirrel.” So with this staple of the series being capable of evolution from the very beginning, you’d assume it could only get better, right? Well, the first time you use a Thunderstone to evolve your Pikachu, you get a Raichu, a fat, fake tan-looking version of your beloved friend that looks more natural with a few popped-collars and a Pabst than out battling other bros for sport. I know there are some fans out there that swear by Raichu, but the majority of us can’t bear the thought of losing Pikachu for the sake of competition. Heck, even Yellow version sought to rectify this by making the Pikachu in that game super powerful via the Light Ball it was carrying. You just can’t evolve Pikachu and be happy about it, so he tops my list and end of story.

So there we go, my list if over. Now I open things up for commenters to give their say on the matter. Did I miss any obvious inclusions? Or did I include something that I totally disagree with? Let me know with a comment or two. Just don’t be surprised if I fail to evolve into someone who cares.

And remember, all the images today came from Deviant Art, a community y’all should support because it’s pretty danged cool. If you like any of the pictures you saw, click the link located in the Pokemon’s name and check out more awesome pics by these artist. Okay, I’m out!

If you want more Pokemon, check out these articles:

-Top 10 Best Pokemon Ever

-My Top 10 Greatest Pokemon Related Achievements

-More To Catch: Pokemon Toys Retrospective

Sure, video games and various electronic diversions are available now. Who would want to find a pack of playing cards and start up a poker game when you can flip out your cell phone and play video space poker?

I suppose I would. Poker is a lost skill. People my age spent twenty years learning exactly how to manipulate Tetris blocks, where the best place to shoot a zombie is (the head), and the insanely complicated rules of the Pokemon card game. Those same people never learned how to play poker in any form. If you are one, please follow my drift here; “Poker Face” is not just a pop song.

First lesson: This is usually a good hand to have.

The Different Games

Poker comes in many different variations. The simple Five Card Draw is what video poker is usually based on, and it is the easiest to learn. Start with that if you know little to nothing. We’re talking five cards for each player, and you try to create the best combination of cards. Don’t like the cards you were dealt? No biggie. You get one chance to draw new cards and discard lame ones. Simple, eh?

The more complicated games include Seven Card Stud. In this one, you get seven cards, and some are hidden from your opponents, while others are exposed. This is a much better game to play if you want to bluff, or play the player instead of the cards, but we’ll talk about that later.

I’m a personal fan of “Indian” Poker, which includes a card on each player’s forehead that they never see. The most popular game these days is, of course, Texas Hold ’Em. This game should be played by experienced poker players. It is the same concept as Five Card Draw, except you get two cards, and the rest of your hand is selected from a group of community cards on the table. The drawback to this game is that it is only interesting with a high amount of betting.

If you take the time, poker becomes so simple even classically painted dogs can play it.

Strategies

There are several things that a poker player needs in his or her arsenal in order to do well and enjoy the game. The first big thing is learning how to bluff. A bluff is not an outright lie or announcement of, “I have a really good hand and you will lose.” This does nothing but ruin the game. A skilled bluffer artfully and deliberately bets in a way that keeps others guessing. It is all about perceived risk.

This brings up a big discussion among card players: playing the cards vs. playing the other player. If you play poker, you can either strategize based on the cards in your hand, or you can play based on what the other players may have. The most skilled players can win a hand regardless of the cards because they can read other people and con them. Beginners should stick to playing the cards, however, because it helps teach them the fundamentals of the game, and it pays off about half the time.

If a player is a math genius (unlike me), they have a bit of an advantage. Factoring in the variety of cards in a deck, the number of hands, and the probability of what the next card will be, some Hold ‘Em players can predict what cards their opponents are holding. This is known in some circles as playing the odds, and it is risky. But knowing that there is a 34% chance of getting a flush versus your opponent’s 22% chance of getting the six-card that he wants may help your game.

Some things in life are just simple joys. Poker is one of those things.

The Purity

This is why poker is such a beautiful game. No one can claim electronic interference, or bugs in the system. It is a pure game of skill and luck combined for an extreme dose of entertainment. They say that the adrenaline highs and sorrowful lows of winning and losing at poker are more intense than cocaine…and they are less disgusting, illegal, and dangerous as well.

All a poker game requires is a table, a deck of cards, and some participants. It is the cheapest game system out there. Learn the lost skill now!

Want more articles on party games? Check these out:

-I Am Scattegories And You Can Too

-How To Beat Your Friends In Board Games

-Game Cards Do Not Actually Talk: A Guess Who? Retrospective

I’m in a tough place here. On the one hand, I’m a huge fan of the Scott Pilgrim comic series. On the other hand, I just saw the live action version starring Michael Cera, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and I’m a fan of that, too. So how shall this movie review go down? Like this, yo. Let’s rock!

Time for a throwdown! Go Scott Cera go!

Immediately after finishing the first volume of Scott Pilgrim, I came to the conclusion that I’d really like to see it in some sort of live action context. I used to produce short segments for my university’s variety program, so I figured, “Hey, maybe I should do this?” Then I looked up a big more on Scot Pilgrim and saw that someone else had already beaten me to it (Edgar Wright) and cast Michael Cera in the titular role of an epically awesome-looking movie. I mean, just check at that first trailer, or any trailer really, and it’ll be hard to have any sort of patience waiting to see the real movie.

I was happy the instant the movie started. The usual previews rolled by, and Kyle and I turned to each other to give our five-second reviews of the trailers like, “Oh yes, that looks pretty cool,” or “Why are they making this crap?” Then suddenly the Universal logo came on all digitized with chiptunes sound and I knew the movie was starting right. The very next thing that happened was the intro music from Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past playing to introduce us to Scott’s little slice of Toronto. If this doesn’t let you know that everyone involved in the project “got” the graphic novel, you probably meant to go watch Eat, Pray, Love instead.

The movie plays out, more or less, as a Cliffnotes version of the six books. I was completely fine with this for a few reasons. First, I realized that six books worth of material wasn’t going to be able to make it onto screen, particularly things that just don’t translate well when jumping from a comic to a movie, such as a long interlude in the books where Scott goes on a nature sabbatical and has a bunch of introspection with Kim. Secondly, I knew that the movie just wanted to be its own thing anyway, and while it stays relatively close to the book’s plot, it changes a few things around as it sees fit.

I really want Edgar Wright to do a Drgaonball movie by the way.

The biggest change from the books to the film is undoubtedly the resolution, as I’m aware pretty much every other review is pointing out. The ultimate ending is still the same, but the final sequence changes fairly radically compared to how the book plays out. I’m okay with the change, but I’ll get into whether I preferred the book or the movie in just a little bit, so hold on.

In terms of matching the characters to actors, they nailed this one almost as closely as they could. Everyone acts and looks like his or her respective character, though my initial hesitation of Michael Cera as Scott carried through even till the end of the movie. I just couldn’t like him as much as the comic version. He did his usual Michael Cera character, a character I still like well enough, and it worked about as well as it needed to, but he didn’t feel like Scott Pilgrim; He felt like Michael Cera in a Scott Pilgrim movie.

The best casting choice would have to be Kieran Culkin as Wallace. Every time Culkin is on camera, you’re guaranteed a laugh. Alison Pill also hit Kim Pine pretty closely, to my surprise. I’d list off all the good casting choices, but I’d just end up listing off the whole cast. My two favorites were Culkin and Pill whereas my least favorites were Cera and to some extent Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Ramona Flowers. She did just fine, but her hair was bugging me the whole time, so maybe that wasn’t really her fault.

Seriously, how did they do this good with the cast?

Okay, action sequences. Holy cow, the action sequences were awesome. They’re even better than I could have hoped. Edgar Wright took his directing duties to the max and it shows here with gusto. Even if you can’t connect to the plot or the main characters, there’s always something cool to look at. It’s about as close as you’ll get to watching a comic happen in real life.

So did I like the movie better than the comic? I don’t want to feel like a snob, but I preferred the ending of the comic over the movie’s final act, just because of how overly epic the book gets. This isn’t to say I didn’t think the movie was freaking excellent, though, because the movie is freaking excellent. Even the little nit-picky things I brought up like Cera cast as Cera is just me searching for things to whine about. Scott Pilgrim vs The World is the best movie adaptation anyone could ever hope to make from the source material, and it’s one of the best movies currently playing now or overall for this year. Go see this movie. Scott Pilgrim wins movie. Game Over.

Want more movie reviews? Check these out:

-The Last Airbender

-Toy Story 3

-Dragonball: Evolution

How about more Scott Pilgrim? We’ve got that, too:

-Comic Book Club: Scott Pilgrim Books 1-5

-Scott Pilgrim, Where Are You?

-Comic Book Club: Scott Pilgrim Book 6

Hey, didn’t I just do a Comic Book Club? Yes, it looks like I did. While I still recommend reading Stitches, I’ve got something completely different yet similar in a strange way for y’all today. Familiar with Omega the Unknown? Well, you’re about to be, so let’s get this Comic Book Club session going.

That's a snazzy cover right there. Familiar yet strange.

A few weeks ago I was at the library searching through whatever graphic novels happened to be out at the time. I picked up the first volume of Hellboy and the newest volume of Fables, but off to the side in what I assume are “Staff Recommendations” were Stitches and Omega the Unknown. I’d heard of neither of those, but as it turns out, Stitches was awesome. So would Omega the Unknown be awesome, too? Absolutely, otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you to read that as well.

Omega the Unknown is a strange book. Told in ten chapters, it covers a whole lot of ground and introduces a bunch of fascinating characters, such as Alex, a kid raised by robots, as well as a strange hero from space, a girl from his high school, The Mink, and even a random talking head…thing. It’s all very tough to explain, but the simple summary is that there are robots and a kid that shoots energy from his palms. Go with that.

Within the first chapter or two, I had a lot of questions. Answers would come, but sparingly and only when it really made sense. I can’t think of a moment where the plot has to come to a complete halt just to explain something. Everything flows naturally from start to finish. I was always surprised when a plot point was explained because I’d almost missed it. This is actually a very good thing. A lot of times, plot points hit way too hard and overly dramatically, sometimes seeming out of place or completely lame compared to what I’d pieced together in my head. Omega the Unknown’s plot gives details that you agree with and move on from. I had to stop a few times and go, “Wait, how did I know this happened here? Oh, that’s right, they answered that a chapter ago while I wasn’t looking.” So major kudos to authors Jonathan Lethem and Karl Rusnak.

This is the first page. Let it soak into you for a moment and hook you right in.

Let’s not forget the art here, though. Farel Dalrymple illustrates and Paul Hornschemeier does the colors, and in case you don’t believe me that they made an excellent team, go look at one of the pages I posted. The colors scream “super hero comic,” but the illustrations are somewhat sloppy in a good way, the sort of style that lets individuality breath here. Omega the Unknown doesn’t remind me of anything else I’ve read despite feeling so familiar.

I wasn’t aware until finishing the book and reading the back section that Omega the Unknown was originally a Marvel Comics character from the 70’s that lasted for ten issues. Reading through I discovered that the team at work here made sure to parallel their story very closely to a lot of the major themes of the original run since it had such an impact on them as kids. The result just left me fulfilled as a reader. I loved every bit of this book.

So you’ve got your new recommendation for a graphic novel. Go read Omega the Unknown and make the title ironic. Or don’t go read it and let it stay a quiet masterpiece. Whatever, I’m just trying to help you out. That’s all for now, so go read!

Want more from the Comic Book Club? Check these out:

-Comic Book Club: Marvels

-Comic Book Club: Superman: Secret Identity

-Comic Book Club: Scott Pilgrim Books 1-5

I take great pride in my luck finding really cool comics/graphic novels outside the common knowledge. Have you read Watchmen? Yeah, probably. What about DC’s Crisis on Infinite Earths? Pretty good chance of that, too. But what about Stitches? Aha! I’ve got you, haven’t I? Good, because for today’s Comic Book Club selection we have a really good book by David Small, so hang on and let’s talk comics.

Even the front cover hooks me in.

Stitches: A Memoir is a style of comics I don’t usually go for. I’m just not big on the self-biopic seen most notably in Persepolis or Fun Home, both decent but hindered greatly by truth, or whatever “truth” they choose to tell. Stitches is a little different here since the story at work plays out as a real story rather than a collections of events. Persepolis was good, but it didn’t feel like it had a real build or a satisfying conclusion. With Stitches, there seems like just enough here to get engaged with, build to reveals and an ultimate conclusion, but it doesn’t feel like it’s slamming you over the head with a message or something overly ambitious, as biopics tend to do.

This isn’t to say Stitches is without value. I don’t want to accidentally undersell it because it’s definitely something that got under my skin and stuck there. I was able to read it in probably an hour, though the imagery is still with me. I was given the advantage of going in 100% fresh, allowing myself to experience Stitches exactly as a story I don’t know anything about. I recommend doing the same, so I’m not going to tell any of the plot.

Here's just a sample of the artwork. See? It's awesome.

In essence, Stitches is a book that writer and artist David Small wrote as a means of dealing with his own past. He’s done art for other books over his career, such as So You Want To Be President, but this was his project and his alone, showing great care to create a profoundly spooky atmosphere with simple textless images. There are points that you’ll be unsettled just from watching the characters walk around hallways or stare at each other. I’m going with the trite description and say that Stitches is truly “haunting” in its presentation, leaving you shocked at appropriate times and smirking at others. The art is incredibly familiar but unknown at the same time. It’s really just cool to look at.

I’m at a loss here because if I say too much, the impact won’t be the same, but if I say too little it might discourage you from picking up an honestly fantastic read. So I’m going to go ahead and let Small’s work speak for itself. Go read Stitches either at your local library or pick it up cheap on Amazon. I can’t overstate my recommendation here. This is a graphic novel that shows just how much the medium has evolved in such a short time, so high praise. Now go read it daggumit!

Want more Comic Book Club? Check these out:

-Comic Book Club: Ex Machina

-Comic Book Club: Superman: Secret Identity

-Comic Book Club: Chickenhare

Computers were nothing more than an advanced video game system when I was a young boy. My brother had his sports games (“NBA Jam” mostly) and I had “Star Wars: Tie Fighter.”

Doesn't that just make you want to start playing right now?

Released in 1994, “Tie Fighter” was the sequel to “Star Wars: X-Wing” and was the first Star Wars game that put you in the role of the Galactic Empire. They may have been bad, but the game was nothing short of awesome, and I submit it as the best flight simulator ever.

The game put you in the day-to-day life of a faceless TIE pilot, who goes through training and simulations before earning medals and promotions in actual space combat. Along the way, you are given secret objectives for your missions by a mysterious cloaked figure, and you work to thwart a plot against the Emperor.

The really well-done aspect of “TIE Fighter” was the 3D designs of space battles that consoles could not do at the time. Instead of side-scrolling, rail-shooting, or any other overt video game design, this old CD-ROM gem put you right in the middle of space, and you could move thousands of miles away from a fight, or crash right into a star destroyer. Dogfights were now tense, with both combatants working to get behind the other to vaporize him.

As far as variety in plot and gameplay, I was always a fan of the enemies. Instead of just shooting at Luke Skywalker and the other Rebels, the protagonist of “TIE Fighter” was preventing civil wars, acting as a customs agent for smuggling, and chasing down space pirates. It shined a new light on the villains: peace-keepers.

Now that's just snazzy right there.

Controlling this game was largely tedious without a decent joystick. The best combination was using the joystick for movement and firing, while using the keyboard for other systems. You could dial up the shield power, engine power, etc. and hit the eject or lightspeed buttons at any time on the keyboard. It felt like a real set of flight instruments.

The reason this game is a Forget-Me-Not for me is the fond memories I had of blasting Z-95 Headhunters until bedtime. There’s also a much darker story.

In the summer of 1996, my parents hosted a weekend barbecue to celebrate the local air show. My uncle, in a fit of euphoria over “TIE Fighter,” inadvertently messed up the computer is some strange way. He merged my game with my brother’s, and suddenly there were dozens of players with blue turbo-powered sneakers wandering through space. My spaceship was firing orange balls instead of green darts of energy. And John Williams music was replaced by a strange combination of his classical score and techno beats.

My dad corrected the error, and my game was mine again, but I never forgot about the terrifying images. I wish I could play that game, just one last time.

Because it was an MS-DOS based game, it is hard to find, and even more difficult to install on a modern computer. If anyone can find it in an easy way, I would be much obliged.

Looking for more forget-Me-Nots? Check these out:

-Forget-Me-Nots: Lone Ranger Action Figure

-Forget-Me-Nots: Pizza Power Board Game

-Remember the 1987 Ghostbusters Firehouse Playset

How about Star Wars? We’ve got more of that, too:

-The Force Unleashed II Preview

-Kyle’s Top 10 Most Unattainable Toys

-Your Guide to Star Wars Action Figures

We live in a very sophisticated day and age (note that age never precedes day) in which gaming has been taken to a whole new level, no pun intended . Okay, maybe pun intended just a little. As I sit here in my shorts without a shirt, listening to the yappy dog right outside my window sure to get a good stomping in about five minutes, I feel it is time to reflect on the culture that defines so many of us. But how does one “game” “correctly?” That is what I am here to do. Follow these simple steps.

Incorrect shirt: Scarface references are no longer humorous on shirts, especially video game shirts.

First, you are probably dressed incorrectly for your hobby. Are you wearing a shirt? This could already be a problem. Shirts are typically optional when playing video games. However, the exception comes when your shirt has some sort of video game character or reference on it. Does it say “Your Princess Is On Another T-Shirt?” It darn well better, otherwise there’s a chance you’re wearing a button-up shirt with a popped collar, and if that happens to be the case, Lord have mercy on your soul because I sure won’t.

Correct shirt: This shirt is awesome and you will look awesome wearing it.

Now that you’re dressed like a slob (assuming you’re dressed at all), you need to get into the mood. Are you playing alone or with friends? That’s a trick question, because you’re either playing alone or against a bunch of other people also playing alone. No, the stereotype that gamers have no friends is completely wrong. We just prefer not to include said friends when we’re gaming because, let’s be honest, all your friends piss you right the heck off when they play games with you. It is a fact that everyone one else playing a game near you is stupid, terrible, and using hax just because they know you hate them so much. And when you use hax, they get mad because they’re haxing harderer than you. Those don’t sound like friends, do they? Good, so remember to isolate yourself in your own little bubble of You. No one else is allowed, especially other thoughts, however rational they may be.

Choose a place to sit in the room. Where is your TV located? If you answered anything other than “About a foot from my face,” you are not seated in the proper location. Please scoot forward until the bloom from your favorite game is hurting your eyes. That pain is good. It will focus you. Focus now! Stay with me! Good, pick a comfy chair to sit in. “But Chris, pain is good, right?” No, you simpleton, and don’t interrupt me. Eyestrain is a good sort of pain. You can fight through that and make your eyes stronger. Back pain is a whole new degree of foolishness. Once your back goes you’ll never talk about anything again save for your back hurting. No, get a chair with good support. You won’t be leaving that spot for some time now, so you need it to sustain a heavy-duty butt whomping.

You should look roughly like this at this point.

Wait! Did you go to the bathroom first? Oh you silly, foolish twit. You should have gone, because once you begin gaming, there is no time for a bathroom break. You’ll just have to hold it. Some gamers will tell you it’s “teh hardcorz” to use a sock or a soda bottle, but listen to them for a minute. They don’t even know how to spell “the.” And you want to take advice from these pedantic Mongoloids? I thought I had taught you better.

It is important to decide far ahead of time what you prefer to snack on whilst you pwn newbs. Did you pick a greasy, cheese-covered snack? You thought that’d impress me? Oh how wrong you are! You have two choices for snacks and they come down to either unsalted almonds or some sort of clean fruit or vegetable like grapes, carrots, or beef jerky (that’s a fruit, right?). The worse the food is, that doesn’t mean it’ll be good gamer fuel. In fact, if you’re drinking something that calls itself “Gamer Fuel,” stop. You’ve been duped. You’re going to be sitting for long periods of time, and as a sluggish blob, you’ll need things that keep your minds sharp and your fingers clean. Plus, you know what Gamer Fuel feels like coming out the end of the processing line. It’s not the most pleasant thing, is it? My advice, and this goes double for V-8, is to make V-8 your new “Gamer Fuel.” Hear that V-8? Do that and you’ll make millions, which you can then pay unto me for the idea. Go do that everyone. Especially V-8 with the paying of me millions.

Okay V-8, you owe me now.

So which game have you selected to play? Is it an online game such as Modern Warfare or Bad Company 2? Take your headset and turn the microphone away from your mouth. You will not need to speak into it. You will, however, need to hear the moronic drivel coming from the other pitiful excuses for gamers, i.e. children under ten, in order to know where to target your next grenade. It does not matter if they are on your team, either. If someone begins complaining, blow them a new USB port. However, you must never make a sound. You are to act as the ninja, silent like the night yet deadly like the clam. What? There was a terrifying giant clam in the old Batman show that ate Robin. That freaked me out. Just like the ninja.

And then- OH GOD! That's horrifying!

If, however, you’ve decided to play a true single player game such as Mario or Final Fantasy, you need to learn to block out all forms of verbal and visual communication coming from anything but your TV. If a female walks into the way, you should be so focused she is literally transparent. If, however, she manages to appear as if she’s on TV, perhaps with a clever TV disguise, she clearly has something very important to tell you, such as where the Hookshot can be found or why the house is currently on fire (though that could all just be a trick, sniff for smoke first before shutting off your game).

And then there's the chance, of course, that the game CAUSED the fire in the first place...

Now comes the tricky part: Playing with grace. As I mentioned, you must be silent and deadly like the ninja, yet calm like a monk of some sort. Have you ever seen a monk freak out when he’s playing a video game? No, and don’t give me answers like “I’ve never seen a monk play a video game.” Perhaps they were so calm when they did it that you didn’t notice, or they focused so hard on the game that they ceased to be visible (this is naturally your goal because if you’re invisible, your wife can’t find you to tell you the house is on fire).

When you lose, and you will lose from time to time in your game, do not throw your controller or scream. Bottle this rage inside you. Breaking a controller is not a satisfying experience. The remorse will hit you almost instantly afterward, reminding you that controllers these days cost upwards of $40 that could have gone toward new gamer shirts. Channel your rage unto your enemies, such as the poorly programmed enemies you face or the ten-year-old f-words online. These are not people and when they break they do not cost you $40 or more. They only reward you with sweet satisfaction.

Don't be deceived. This little girl is pure evil and must be stopped.

Once you have completed your gaming day, be courteous and wrap up any spare cords, turn off the TV, and place all gaming-related accessories where they’re supposed to go, otherwise someone might trip on and break them or worse, you console. Also, go check and see if anyone tried to speak to you while you were ignoring them. Perhaps they were trying to tell you they bought you a new game. Any rage you’ve been bottling should also be gone now. This assumes you beat whatever it was you were trying to beat. If you did not accomplish your task, go back to step one and repeat until you stop failing. Nothing shames a gamer more than defeat, even a gracious one.

With these few tips in mind, you should have no problem succeeding as a gamer in the world of today. I can’t speak for the world of tomorrow, but good luck to you if that’s where you happen to live. In the meantime, with these simple guidelines in place, go forth and enjoy. Also send me money, for my hobby requires vast amounts of money that I do not have. That is all.

Want more articles all about nerdly love? Check these out:

-Top 20 Greatest Mario Enemies

-Top Ten Video Game Quotes That Need To Die

-Let’s Think Deep: The Virtual Utopia

Guess what?! I’ve now seen all three seasons of Nick’s Avatar, plus the awful live action movie that no one should see, thus making me an Avatar expert. Didn’t expect that, did ya Gus?! This means that I can try something inspired by a few commenters from my DBZ plothole articles and write a full counter argument, but because I’m a writer/editor, I figured it’d be more fun to just write a whole new article. So here we go, time to throw some Word Bending at y’all and give my counter argument to Gus’ Top Ten Avatar Misconceptions.

Hold on guys, I still love you, I just love arguing more.

Note: This article has been marked as Gus-bait and as such, will result (understandably) with sharp counter-counter responses in the comments. This means that usually the full story will take place down there as well, so be careful to read everything.

Okay, now are we ready to start?

10. You watch Avatar? Isn’t that show for kids? (AKA: Avatar is for children):

This image does not inspire "hardcore" feelings.

We start with a legit criticism from both sides here by saying that Avatar, a show on Nickelodeon, is a childish show for younger audiences. If you’ve watched and enjoyed the series and you happen to be over ten-years-old, there is nothing wrong with that. However, any show that adds musical cues for pratfall humor is aimed intensely at children. Furthermore, a lack of blood does bring things down slightly in terms of seriousness. I know that no character will be exploded, decapitated, or bleed profusely. The biggest indicator of the kid-targeted-audience is the decision to resolve the plot without a single person dying on either side. Amazingly, there is no negative consequence for anyone, making the ending very child-friendly. But remember, Doug, Rugrats, and Hey Arnold were all made for children, too, and still remain awesome shows to this day. No shame there, but yeah, Avatar is a show for kids.

9. But I hate anime. (AKA: Avatar is an anime):

I've seen something like this before, and it was from a show with a Z in it...

To field this question I’m going to ask a question:. If you have dough and you put tomato sauce and cheese and pepperoni on it, what the heck do you call that thing? Avatar, while being made in the United States by US citizens, is still an anime in terms of everything else. It is the perfect mixing of the Japanese anime style with American cartoon sensibility, meaning we get serialized stories about martial arts and mystical hoo-ha without a lack of art or voice acting quality. The elements of an anime are still overpoweringly present here: Young protagonists in an adult world (also an indicator of #10), martial arts, a world that is somehow small enough to travel around instantly when convenient for the plot, one-dimensionally evil villains (seriously, why did the Fire Lord want power? Or Azula?), and of course a Super Saiyan transformation. If you can argue to me that the final battle between Aang and Fire Lord Ozai DIDN’T look like it was from DBZ, I owe you a coke.

8. But… still… doesn’t Aang look like Naruto? (AKA: Aang and Naruto are the same character):

I think this is a better comparison, personally.

I’m in a similar boat here in that I haven’t watched any significant amount of Naruto. I have seen a few episodes, and I have friends that are completely up-to-date with the series, but I’m no Naruto expert. Still, here are the connections: Aang and Naruto both wear orange and blue as the predominant colors on their outfits, Aang and Naruto are both inhabited by mystical spirits that they must learn to control, Aang and Naruto are silly, childish, and generally simple-minded, Aang and Naruto can both do crazy physics-defying maneuvers. So are they the same person? No. Are they the same archetype? Yes. Joseph Campbell argued way before our time that every hero ever is the same character, and in this case, Aang and Naruto share many, many similarities outside of simple coincidence. Take note, I essentially described Goku/Gohan from DBZ as well (more fuel for #9).

7. So, is it just another manly action show for men? (AKA: Avatar is another “guy” show):

Note the feminine charm in this final confrontation.

Avatar does a great job of giving us more characters than just the standard “dudes that punch hard,” and does an even better job of giving weaker characters (the Krillins of the show) the chance to show they don’t really suck. But the final, most important battle is fought and won between Aang, a boy, and Fire Lord Ozai, a man, throwing pew-pew energy blasts at each other. While Zuko fights with his sister Azula, a female, Azula is portrayed as banana-pants crazy at this point. Katara steps in and fights Azula in Zuko’s place, but the only reason she had to was because she was standing right behind Zuko during an Agni-Kai, a very STUPID place to be standing considering that Azula can fire LIGHTNING and doesn’t care who she injures. Because of Katara’s utter stupidity, Zuko has to leap in the way and save her. The main argument I got from Gus was, and I quote: “How many guys can say they were in a college lounge, the only dude in the room, watching Dragon Ball Z with five girls?” My counter is, “I’ve watched DBZ with girls, and my wife usually left the room when I watched Avatar.” Therefore, it’s totally case-sensitive, but is Avatar aimed at boys? Absolutely. Aang deals with the death of his MALE caretakers, Sokka constantly looks to find his FATHER, Zuko tries desperately to please his FATHER and is given wisdom from his UNCLE. The predominant drives of the story are guy-based in nature. Even Toph, one of the strongest females of the show, openly acts like a boy character. Case closed.

6. So what, do the characters know magic? (AKA: Bending is magic):

By the way, apparently juggling is part of Kung Fu now.

You’ll hear over and over again that bending the elements in Avatar is based off real Kung Fu styles. Katara even says in the first episode that bending isn’t magic. To the characters in Avatar, sure, bending isn’t magic. We live in the real world here where a person really can perform Tai Chi, but he’ll never make the water around him move like an octopus just because of his stance. This is where the otherworldly “magical” element takes over. And once more, there’s nothing wrong with that. But you can’t use the “Kung Fu” excuse here since, well, I don’t remember a Kung-Fu move that involves moving your face and having rocks shoot precisely where you want them to. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Check out King Bumi’s escape late in the series. Kung Fu or not, that looked like magic to me, even in the realm of the series.

5. Whatever nation you are born in, that’s the element you can bend? (AKA: Avatar is incredibly simple to understand):

Seriously, why can't anyone just study these dragons and figure out how to Fire Bend?

There’s not a whole lot to say here, so I’ve got to make this a little bit more of a critique of the series than just a straight argument. Leading into the “aimed at children” mindset of global simplification, all the Firebenders come from the Fire Nation, the Air Nomads can Airbend because they were born into it, etc. The series never really explored the possibility of why anyone could bend their respective element. You don’t just learn bending by having parents that can bend, or vice versa. Characters mention how all bending can be traced back to the original benders learning from the bending animal guides such as dragons, badgermoles, and flying bison (side question, are there non-flying bison? Do they call birds “flying birds?”). Therefore, can’t anyone really just pick up bending by studying the Kung Fu associated with the bending type and studying the animals for the proper inspiration? Bending has an origin, and it seems silly to think that there isn’t more to the story than “People born in the Earth Kingdom have a better chance of being Earth Benders.” Oh well.

4. What about duo benders for inter-racial families? (AKA: Avatar doesn’t deal with race on an adult level):

And then they fused into Zukaang and transformed into the Super Avatar 3 state.

Remember, Avatar is still primarily a kid’s show, and while there isn’t much to say here either in terms of why something’s wrong with thinking there can be benders of two separate elements if you have a mother who’s a Fire Bender and a father who’s an Earth Bender, but that is a question the series never explicitly addressed during the series, and as I’ve said before, “If it isn’t in the writing, it didn’t happen.” There would be inter-racial families in the world of the Avatar. There just would be. We don’t deal with these couples because the show is aimed at kids and talking about race in a marital sense is too complicated a topic to deal with. This continues my question about the origin of bending. I want to know why a Fire Nation child couldn’t study from the dragons, then study from the bagermoles and learn Earth Bending as well. Just saying that the Avatar is the only one capable of learning all bending styles is way too simplistic for me.

3. How come there is no Book 4: Air? (AKA: What are you, stupid?):

Seriously? You people make me sad.

Yeah, there’s pretty much nothing there. That’s just a stupid thing to assume.

2. Why is there no Heart Nation so they can form Captain Planet? (AKA: There are more than four styles of bending):

Shown: Utter destruction of an argument.

As silly as the joke is that there is a Heart Bending style, there is definitely a fifth style of bending: Soul Bending. This is the deus ex machina that allows Aang to resolve the plot without bloodshed. In the final battle against Fire Lord Ozai, Aang bends what appears to be his soul or at the very least some sort of radical energy. This was learned from the deus ex animal during the finale episodes because this is A: A kid’s show, and B: How anime-style works. I don’t even need to go on any more; Soul Bending, or Heart Bending if you want to refer to it like that, is absolutely real, Captain Planet or not.

1. Avatar? Isn’t that the movie on the planet with the Blue People? (AKA: James Cameron made a more successful entity than Nick’s Avatar):

Congrats guys, you blue people officially win the movie title "Avatar."

Yes, this is going to cause the most flaming hate-filled comments of anything I say, but when it comes right down to it, James Cameron beat Nick’s Avatar in terms of a name for a MOVIE. Take note there that I said MOVIE, not TV SHOW. I don’t care which came first, both use the word “Avatar” in perfectly decent ways. Nick’s Avatar uses it to represent a vessel for a godly character to inhabit whereas Cameron’s Avatar uses it in the computer sense of a representation of your virtual self, much like the Xbox 360 has Avatars for gamers to use in games and on the dashboard. While the two intellectual properties don’t have anything to do with one another, it’s not fair for us Nick Avatar fans to be angry when something else comes along and finds success with a similar name.

Getting ugly, boring kids to say ugly, boring things doesn't usually help your cause much.

Oh I’m not done yet. Animated Avatar fans, here’s a question you’ve got to humble yourself with right now: Which Avatar franchise is more well-known in the world right now? I don’t care what you believe, I can ask any single one of my relatives, be they my mom, my grandma, or an obscure uncle, and I have something close to a 100% chance that they know what Cameron’s Avatar is and just as close of a chance that they’ve seen it. Try the experiment right now. Go ask ten people at random if they’ve seen Avatar and then ask them to clarify which one they’re talking about. You know the results. Even more bottom line: Cameron’s Avatar beat The Last Airbender into the ground in the field of movies because, not gonna lie, The Last Airbender was the worst movie I’ve ever seen. And don’t use the “But Nick’s Avatar was first” defense. Cameron had been planning his movie for years, way before Nick had an animated show of the same name, so your argument doesn’t hold up.

Besides, why do you care so much anyway? The majority of people that have seen Nick’s Avatar all the way through love it. A hefty portion of people who have seen Cameron’s Avatar think it’s overrated, myself included. Take pride in your fandom. Take pride that your thing is also quieter than the louder thing. Cult status is much cooler than mainstream, so stop trying to compete in a world you don’t want your franchise to go.

Phew, alright, I’m done now. But don’t worry, I think I’ve got at least one more Avatar-related article in me. The good Avatar, not the crappy Cameron movie I hated so much. Be on the lookout for that in the next month. As for now, I’m tired, so I’m gonna go rest for a hundred years or something. Pranger out.

Here we go, yet another totally pointless review for a game you already know enough about. Blizzard’s super long-awaited sequel to StarCraft is now finally out for the PC and after waiting this long to get it, you either already have it or you don’t care whatsoever that it’s now out. This means my review is more or less just there. So you ready for this? Let the Zerg Rush begin.

I don't even know who this guy is, but I know he looks cool.

As I said, you already know if you want this game or not. How can you tell? You either already have the game, or you don’t. That’s pretty much the decider for this one. There’s no one left on the fence here, waiting for a few more review scores to come in and determine their buying decision. Gamers have already made up their mind about StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty.

I really have no opinion of it. Oh don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for it. The graphics are awesome, the voice acting is excellent, the controls are perfect and the story is engaging. I just don’t have a computer that can play it. And that’s not to say StarCraft II is too hard on computers; I just have a really lame PC without a graphics card. I can’t even play World of Goo or the demo for Tales from Monkey Island, so StarCraft II doesn’t play for me.

If you need criticism, there’s only one I’ve heard and it regards the resolution to the story, or more appropriately, that there isn’t one. Wings of Liberty is only one of three games, and its campaign focuses solely on one of the three races. Don’t worry, you can still play as all three races online in multiplayer, but the single player experience is only a third of what you’ve probably been expecting. The story you do get is great, but you will want more and there’s virtually no chance you’ll get the next chapter any time soon. I’d be shocked if you see it before 2012.

This just looks nuts. But fun. But still nuts.

And look at that, I’m already done with the StarCraft II review. Do you see how pointless that was? Did you even stop playing the game to read this? Probably not, so I’m probably here all alone doing nothing right now. Well then, let’s talk about RTS games and why they’ll never be on a console, or more appropriately, let me rant for a second. If you’re still wondering why there hasn’t been a really, REALLY good RTS on the consoles, it’s all because no control scheme works better for the RTS genre than a mouse and keyboard. I’m not micromanaging dozens of troops all across the map with a freaking control stick. That’d just be stupid. Heck, I can hardly manage it on a PC. Just take your mouse right now and flail the cursor around the screen for a moment or two. You see that? That’s how fast you can move around in an RTS, plus you get exact controls. With a joystick you’re constantly fighting the battle between cursor speed and cursor control, and that’s a battle we may never win.

Okay, my little rant is over and so is my review. Come back on Wednesday and I’ll have a much longer, much more inflammatory article about Avatar, just because I can. Peace out y’all.

Game nerds my age all remember the game “GoldenEye 007” with fond memories. For me personally, “GoldenEye” was the reason I bought a Nintendo 64, and that was how I became a gamer at all (my early days of button-mashing on the NES don’t really count).

Snazzy, but will people really get what this is?

Now, with the popularity of remaking TV shows as films, remaking films as films, and so forth, Nintendo has decided to take that (now) classic James Bond game from 1997, and kick it up a notch, as a chef might say.

November, 2010 brings us “GoldenEye 007” for the Wii, and I have to wonder, is this a good thing that I should look forward to, or a cheap marketing tactic that I should abhor?

PROS

1.) Better graphics

The original had amazing graphics for the time. Go back and play it now, and the only things that doesn’t hold up are the character faces, the somewhat bland environments, and the physics. In other words, the only major improvement you can make to the big brother of “Modern Warfare” is to update the visual aspects.

While the Wii is not a graphics powerhouse, it isn’t 64-bit either. In the footage from E3, Bond looks like a well-animated version of the actor. Characters move realistically, and the weapons all look like real weapons (the cute little PP7 has been switched to the real-world Walther P99 that Bond carries). Taking a great game and giving it better graphics is a good thing. This is not an issue for me at all.

2.) A more adult game for the Wii

Oh, boy! You see, I’m not a big devotee to Nintendo classics like Chris clearly is (Mario retrospectives, you say? Collect every Pokemon, indeed?). I love those games, but I’m a cinematic kind of guy. I want a game that takes a great movie premise and makes me the star.

This is Nintendo’s big chance to say, “Hold on. We can do an FPS without a terrible port, and it isn’t even a wacky Japanese experiment for motion control!” This could help them capture that elusive crowd of adults who want to shoot something realistically.

3.) Fan service

I’m a big fan of James Bond, and I’m a big fan of the original game. I’m sure that millions of other gamers are right next to me on that. We haven’t had a great Bond game since the original “GoldenEye” (“Nightfire” was okay, but EA should really stick to sports), and this game’s very existence brings back so many great moments for us. Remember the first time you saw that dopey guard standing in the toilet stall? You’ll see him here! That’s great fun.

Some parts of the classics, regardless of better taste, are just fabulous.

CONS

1.) Rehash syndrome

I’m never a fan of trotting out the same product again and again. That’s why I don’t own multiple DVD editions of the same movie, and that’s certainly why I don’t play many “Halo” games. And I can’t help but feel that this new “GoldenEye” might be yesterday’s meatloaf. Even if the meatloaf was really good when it was fresh, that doesn’t mean it should be served to dear friends another time.

Nintendo is taking a big risk by altering their best-loved games for the next year or two. “GoldenEye,” “Starfox 64,” and “Ocarina of Time” were all being paraded around at E3. Either they just want to come back to our childhoods for fun, or they just hired a crop of developers who haven’t owned a system since the N64 (and probably played it during finals weeks in college).

I guess I’m just weary because the remakes of old “Resident Evil” games, “Prince of Persia,” and especially “Doom” and “Wolfenstein” have been so pointless over the last few years.

2.) Confusing for newcomers

This is a business problem. Yes, fans of the original may jump for joy, but think of the children! (Okay, that is the last time I use that phrase, ever) Some gamers now, who weren’t old enough to pronounce “Nintendo” in 1997, will tilt their heads at this.

It’s called “GoldenEye,” and that was a movie starring Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. This new game stars Daniel Craig as Bond, and the last time we saw a game called “GoldenEye,” it was that dodgy Rogue Agent game that everyone laughed at. To make matters worse, the story has been changed up so that it fits Craig’s take on Bond. This probably means no more flashbacks to the Soviet Union, and less emphasis on minimizing civilian casualties. All of this just may bite the marketing team on the bum in a few months.

3.) Control system?

The footage from the game raises a big question about how we will control Mr. Bond. The moves that he makes seem very precise and sophisticated (then again, those might have just been cutscenes), and the Wii is not known for being FPS-friendly. Back in ’97, the N64 had the appropriate controls for this game: a control stick for movement, a trigger for firing, and distinct different buttons for actions and weapon changes. The only thing that didn’t work great was the manual aim.

What will we get here? Motion control probably won’t be a factor, and the Nunchuk will be used heavily, I’m betting. Just in case the Wiimote/Nunchuk scheme sucks, the classic controller or Gamecube controller can be used. That doesn’t inspire much confidence, but it does cover possible complaints.

I mean, it looks alright, but who's the game really for? Honestly? Also, Bond totally looks like Elijah Wood in this shot.

Some Final Thoughts

So, will this game be another footnote in video game history, under the header “Total Blunders and Insults”? Or will it inspire me to buy a Wii, and poetically continue the legacy of the original? I doubt it will be cringe-worthy. If it turns out to be pants, I’m sure we will all forget it quickly. If it blows up and becomes the next great thing for Nintendo, I won’t complain (I’m sure other people will fire off hate-missiles at it, though). I guess we all have to wait for the exciting conclusion. “GoldenEye 007” for the Wii comes out November 2, 2010.

Not too long ago, Monday actually, I wrote up a little thing about the newest Scott Pilgrim book and my inability to find a copy when I wanted it: Now. Guess what? I found a copy and read it, so I can give a real review for the conclusion to Scott’s precious little saga. Is it worth reading? Here’s what I think.

I came to love these guys. I'm really gonna miss them.

The first thing to keep in mind with Book 6 (or Volume 6, I don’t really know what best to call it) is that it’ll mean pretty much nothing if you haven’t been reading the series. There are five books to read first (obviously, but you’re all smart people), so jumping in at the conclusion is going to leave you confused and, above all, completely unable to enjoy the ending, whatever it may be.

The whole positive to the series is that while it is six books long, the books aren’t very expensive. I got my copy of Book 6 for $12, and that was only because I was impatient and needed it right this very second. Amazon has copies of each book for much cheaper, meaning you can probably get all six books for under $60, a reasonable price.

I’ve already talked about the series before, so you know what I think there, but what about now? Thankfully, Scott Pilgrim’s Finest Hour is packed with the same sort of random, almost unexplainable panels that will make you smile and possibly laugh out loud. Seriously, I don’t know what the term is to describe them. Meta? Maybe? I’m going with that. It’s as if Scott’s narrating his life upon rewatching it and throwing in the best descriptions possible.

And each page, as usual, is excellent in its own little way.

I will say this about the ending though: I’m still a little confused. A lot of strange tying of loose ends takes place, and it can be somewhat jarring to read through. Things happen that seem to just happen because they happen, and a few times I regretted not already owning the previous five volumes so I could look back and understand what the heck was going on. Regardless, the ending is satisfying enough and everything is wrapped up nicely. There’s not a very large chance we’ll be seeing a seventh volume any time soon.

Overall, if you’ve been reading Scott Pilgrim’s Epic Little Story, yeah, you need the final book right now. If you haven’t read the series yet, now is the best time due to having it completed and with a promise of a very cool-looking movie out next month (which Kyle and I will definitely review). And that’s pretty much all there is to say on the matter. Bryan O’Malley created a hell of a series here, and I only hope he continues making stuff like this.

Anyone else read the final chapter? What did you think? Let me know and leave a comment. In the meantime, I need to figure out how to pull swords from my chest.

Not too long ago I wrote about one of the best comic books to read at this very moment, Scott Pilgrim. We’re nearing the long-anticipated movie starring Michael Cera, plus, the final chapter is out now…right? Well, there may be a problem. If you, like me, are having some trouble locating the final book, let’s rap.

Why aren't you here now? Why you gotta be like that, Scott?

If you check most anything official, Scott Pilgrim Book 6 has been released and wraps up Scott’s epic story. I’ve looked on the official Scott Pilgrim site, Oni Press’ publishing site, and a few other places. Amazon tells me the book’s out now. When I went to Barnes & Noble to read the new book so I could review it (I’m cheap, leave me be), what did I find? “Not being released until next month.”

Okay, that was troubling. A few other people had asked and the employees at the B & N really had no clue why since, according to their computers, the book clearly wasn’t getting released until August. So instead, I tried the next best thing: Borders. I zipped on over to the closest store and walked right to the comics and graphic novel section, immediately finding Scott Pilgrim Books 1-5 on a little platform. But no Book 6. Where was it?

And why aren't you kicking all of the butts right this very second?

The Borders rep told me that there was a mix-up of some sort up on the high, high executive level or something, saying that while it is SUPPOSED to be out right now, it most likely won’t be in for a few weeks. She wasn’t annoyed or anything, rather she looked just as confused as I did, not really knowing why the book wasn’t on the shelves to make me happy.

I had been hearing via Twitter or someplace else some rumblings from Bryan O’Malley, the writer/artist for Scott Pilgrim, that the book was out but because Oni Press is still a relatively small-time, independent publisher, there have been some hiccups. I figured my last great and reasonable option was to go to my local comic shop.

Lucky for me, an awesome comic shop, Emerald City Comics of downtown Eugene (you owe me ad money now Emerald City Comics), is more or less right across the street from me. I bopped on over and looked around, once more finding Books 1-5 without any problem. Then I asked the helpful employee what the deal was with Book 6 and this is roughly what she told me: “Book 6 won’t be released until after the movie comes out. They want to coincide the two releases. People that went to Comicon were able to see the movie and buy the book, but it’s not available anywhere else.”

Michael Cera, you better kick all of the butts right this very second.

There you have it: Book 6 won’t be widely available until after Scott Pilgrim vs The World premiers. This, naturally, makes me very sad because I don’t want to see the movie until AFTER I’ve finished the book series. And who wouldn’t? If you’ve been reading the series and it’s about to end, wouldn’t you rather finish your current plotstream rather than possibly get it confused with the movie’s? The movie reportedly follows the books very closely, but there are some changes, specifically around the ending.

I can understand the reasoning, but this is almost like Superman and Lois Lane coinciding their comic wedding with Lois and Clark: The Adventures of Superman, causing The Death of Superman in the process to stall for time. I don’t want to read the book after seeing the movie, but I want to see the movie when it opens. Which do I do? What are you going to do?

Funny how toys come about, isn’t it? As we all learned last week, Mr. Potato Head started as cereal prizes attached to real vegetables. A similar history surrounds the foam-based line of projectile (toy) weapons and soft sports balls: Nerf.

The best ideas really are the simple ones. Look at that funky-fresh font, too!

In 1969, an inventor by the name of Reyn Guyer approached Parker Brothers with an indoor volleyball idea. They weren’t interested in the game at all, but the soft foam ball that it included was a revelation. After all, how many parents would buy an inexpensive indoor toy that was safe for kids and mantelpiece chotchkies? A whole bunch of parents would. About four million, by the end of its debut year. Later on in toy history, Hasbro acquired Nerf when they bought out Tonka. Since then, Super Soakers (the fabled water gun that Chris and I have been squealing over) have been designated as Nerf products. I guess Hasbro has decided that a gun (Blaster) is a gun (Blaster, darn it).

While the original ball was made from polyurethane, the trademark foam that characterizes the product line has since been changed to a polyester mix with a special compound, and topped off with a carbon dioxide release. Sounds very scientifical, but it all amounts to one big detail: the carbon dioxide release is what causes the holes in the foam, making it light and soft.

Coming to a cubicle near you. Or possibly a waste basket, just to make file-destruction fun.

In 1972, a big staple of Nerf was released in the form of NerfHoop. Offices around the world became filled with cardboard-box backboards, plastic hoops, and ninnies trying to make a three-pointer from the water-cooler. Of course, they were shooting with a Nerf foam basketball.

This baby really brought new meaning to "long bomb." And it whistles...why not!

But the most lucrative toys to bear the Nerf name always will be the Nerf Blasters. Handheld toy guns, rifles, and even bow-and-arrows were developed primarily in the eighties. Each one fired foam darts, and came in gloriously bright colors.

My first Nerf Blaster. It had a super-secret barrel built into the grip...that they advertised on the side of the gun.

In the last few years, the Blasters have become so much more sophisticated, with entire arsenals being developed for more tactical battles. The Nerf N-Strike set now includes various beauties that still attract me in the toy aisles today. The genius of this product line is in the amount of customization and tactical choices that kids (of all ages, which includes me) can make.

There are different ammo types, ranging from slim, aerodynamic darts to flashy glow-in-the-dark ones to scare a burglar. Many of the N-Strike blasters come with rails for attachments (scopes, flashlights, extra ammo, etc.) and optional barrel extensions. Also, the folks over at Hasbro have finally eliminated the one drawback to Nerf Blasters: reload time. Instead of painstakingly gathering every dart, and loading each one manually into a Blaster—or worse, trying to find them in your pockets during a fight—the N-Strike rifles come with a hop-up magazine system. And every clip is universal for the other guns.

If there are two N-Strike weapons that really stand out, it is the Maverick pistol, and the Longshot C-6 sniper rifle.

The Maverick was a must-own for the dorky guys I hung out with in high school, because it is a Nerf revolver. That’s right, Dirty Harry is carrying foam ammo, suckers. Imagine the idiotic splendor of Russian roulette with Nerf. Yep, I did it.

Revolvers never go out of style. There's something romantic about them, even if they shoot foam darts.

As for the Longshot, I got so excited when I finally got to mess around with one. It has a bipod. It has a scope. It has a slot for an extra ammo clip. It also has a detachable barrel that becomes a back-up pistol. Did I mention that it works off of a spring-loaded bolt action, like a real sniper rifle? Don’t get me wrong, the scope and bipod are kind of rubbish, and the pistol part is useless, but any kid would be the proud owner of the three-foot-long behemoth.

I like to keep this one with me...for close encounters.

Kyle’s Big Idea: So, I’ve been kicking around the idea of a big, playful firefight with my buddies. Since laser-tag makes me sweat like Marlon Brando, and paintball is always full of jerks with their own equipment, I thought my future Bachelor Party should include an epic Nerf battle. This will be complete with slow-motion dodges, Oscar-caliber death scenes, and a mandatory Mexican Stand-Off. My arsenal will be thus: a Maverick revolver, an off-brand repeater rifle (made under the Air Blasters product name), and the newest N-Strike sniper rifle, the Longstrike CS-6.

Bah! Who came up with this?! Give that man a 21-dart salute...or maybe a 210-dart salute with this monster.

Why? Because we can. Now I have to practice my catchphrases from “Hot Fuzz,” since I’ll have enough firepower to rival an entire English village. Sure, I’ll get pelted a lot while trying to put on my sunglasses in a cool way, but that’s what Nerf teaches us: how to cope with being hit by projectiles…and how to hit that sucker back. Positive play, eh?

Yes sir, times are good for gamers.

This year’s E3 was full of a lot of win, assuming you were a Nintendo fanboy such as myself. While some announcements were completely out of left field, others were pretty expected. Donkey Kong Country Returns was somewhere in the middle, having been leaked as a thing currently in development by Retro Studios not long before E3. Leakage aside, what really matters is, we get a new Donkey Kong Country game! What an exciting time we live in! So then, let’s take a look at what we know from the preview and what we suspect will be in the final product in a little segment we like to call, “Game Previews.” What? You expected something fancy?

Nothing Like That Retro Feel

What the previous DKC games had going for them was their ability to make memorable sidescrolling platform levels with their own signature charm and difficulty. I did a whole article on the three games, essentially declaring my love for them. Thankfully, when Retro Studios was asked to reinvent what Rare did with the originals, they got down to business making sure they made the game the fans wanted. This, blissfully, looks like that game.

Ooh, doesn't this just look sweet?

Thus far it appears that the main “gimmick” of the game, if it can be called that, is the use of very simplistic depth during gameplay, meaning most of the time you’ll be in the foreground but sometimes you’ll be forced to hop around in the background as well. This isn’t too complicated to deal with and has worked fairly well in games previous, such as, uh, okay, I can’t think of games where that happened off the top of my head, but they exist.

Also, we get to play as Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong again, and it really is about time. Interesting that a series called “Donkey Kong Country” only had one game where you could actually play as Donkey Kong. Strange. Anyway, instead of a one-hit-KO thing, you’ll get two hearts when you play and four if you find Diddy. Sadly, you won’t really be playing as Diddy as much as you’ll be teaming up with him to perform special moves and such. I can live with that though, because they made sure to bring back minecarts, and when minecarts are brought back, all is forgiven.

Shown: Forvigeness for any and everything.

There are some other things missing, though. Mainly, the Kremlings. Those are entirely gone. King K. Rool isn’t the Big Bad here, and that makes me a little sad. I’m not sure exactly why that decision came down the pipe, but no matter, I suppose it had to be done. Also gone are underwater levels since, according to the main developers at Retro, they would have made the game too slow. Good then, because underwater levels suck in every video game.

Right now we don’t know a whole lot more about the game. Animal buddies such as Rambi haven’t been shown, though developers at Retro have mentioned they know fans want the animals back, so there’s an extremely good chance we’ll see some of the more recognizable ones such as Squawks and Expresso come back. I wouldn’t mind seeing Winky return as well, but that’s just wishful thinking on my part.

And that’s pretty much all we know about Donkey Kong Country Returns. I know that it can be preordered from Amazon, and that it’s expected to come out before the end of this year. I’ll be asking for it for Christmas, but how about you? Any other DKC fans out there excited for this one?