New G.I. Joe Toys — A Real American Disappointment

Go Joe! Wait, Maybe No…

G.I. Joes were the best action figures of all time. I’m not even going to feign objective journalism here, they were the perfect toy for any guy who enjoyed forcing soldiers to enlist against their will and fighting the perfect war against whoever we darn well pleased.

Back then, G.I. Joes were the bee’s knees, (or “dank” for you hip new generation). Life was good.

“Was” being the key operative here.

A Newer, Cheaper Generation

New action figures aren't as robust as the classic collection

Now we have G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra coming out in theaters on August 7^th. That means new toys will coincide with a toy line that never stopped making toys since they first began.

Which further means you’re doomed to get toys that just don’t quite feel right, mostly because the arms and necks are just slightly too frail to look correct.

There are a few female G. I. Joes to deal with now, but the female figures sadly look like little more than the “Oh, that’s the only one they have left” toys that every line of action figures suffers from.

While still under $10, I found placed conveniently next to the G.I. Joes at Target some off-brand versions with twice as many weapons and much cooler details for $3 cheaper. There is some hope with the G.I. Joe vehicles, but still, nothing that the off-brand toys aren’t doing for better and cheaper.

GI Joe 12″ Dolls Miss the Mark Too

The 12-inch figures also really fail to impress. At least one of the G.I. Joe toys has the “clothing just etched in” peeve of mine, with the elbow-joint looking extremely weird. These should be better detailed, but some of them look ridiculous, like Cobra Commander.

I’d suggest passing unless you spend a few more bucks and get the deluxe Storm Shadow doll with actual fabric and some nifty weapons, like nunchucks. Nunchucks just make every action figure better.

Parents, if you let your kids see the movie, they’ll want the toys. The action figures vaguely resemble the movie-version of the characters, so it may be difficult to convince them to get something different when they specifically want “G.I. Joes.”

However, the off-brand G.I. Joes come in at a few bucks cheaper, so explain how they look cooler, have more weapons, and how you can probably afford two. Hopefully they make the right choice. If it’s for a birthday, grab the cheaper “G.I. Moes” and fake ignorance, just like all parents during Christmas. Your kids will get over it.