Dragonball Z Evolution: A Fan’s Dreams Are Shattered

I’ll just come right out and say that I’m about the biggest Dragonball Z fanboy that ever lived.  I’ve been obsessed with the anime and manga for over 10 years now and I doubt I’ll lose my love for its stupidity any time soon.  Naturally, when I heard that they were making a live action Dragonball Z movie I flipped and rushed to go assemble my opening day costume.

However, as time passed and more was revealed about the movie, I began to get disheartened.  I found out it wouldn’t be a Dragonball Z movie but rather a Dragonball movie.  I learned that Goku was going to be a high school teenager and that Krillin wasn’t in the movie.  Eventually they released a trailer and I watched it, only to finally say, “I’m the biggest DBZ fan…and even I’m not gonna go see this.”  That’s a powerful statement right there.

I suppressed my urge to see Dragonball: Evolution when it was in theaters, refusing to add money to support another abomination to the thing I love.  Now that it’s out on DVD I felt it was time to give in.  Lucky for me I had a free rental, otherwise I would have demanded my money back.

Kids, can I speak to just you for a second?  Let your parents leave the room, this is just for you.  Okay, let me level with you now.  You aren’t going to like this movie.  Don’t try and convince your parents that they just don’t get it because they haven’t seen the show; this is just downright the worst movie I’ve ever seen.  The only energy blast is a Kamehameha and it isn’t done that well, there is no flying, and none of the characters look or act like they do on the show.  This isn’t the movie you want to see.  Go demand seasons 1-9 on DVD but let this one die quickly and quietly.

Alright parents, you can come back now.  Dragonball: Evolution seems like one of those movies that might have been a cult hit about 20 years ago since it’s so cheesy that it has some value as a party movie for dorks.  But we’re about to hit 2010 and this doesn’t cut it anymore.  Parents, I don’t say this lightly, but you are 100 percent correct when you refuse to buy this movie for your kids.

As a movie, it’s terrible.  As a translation from the source material, it’s terrible.  It’s hard to read the IMDB trivia and find out that the main actors were really trying their best.  It literally pains me know that, because this isn’t anything that anyone really wants.  This movie was the simplest thing to make following three steps.  First step, find actors who looked similar to the characters in the cartoon.  Second step, make the actors look exactly like the characters in the cartoon.  Third step, copy/paste the script straight from the cartoon.  That’s all.  But no, things can’t be that simple.  I kinda want my free rental back.