Mutagen Man just barely didn't make the cut. So who did?

A while back I did an article about my favorite action figures of all time: Ninja Turtles. I hardly scratched the surface regarding what they did with the Turtles. Some of the toy line saw awesome Turtles. And then there are these, the 10 Most Ridiculous Ninja Turtle Action Figures.

10. Sergeant Bananas:

This gorilla is actually a ranking officer. Note the banana gun, as if you didn't expect that.

When the Ninja Turtles were hitting their peak, every year saw new figures added. But for the most part we weren’t just getting the same characters in different outfits. We actually saw a lot of new characters added purely for the toy line. Sergeant Bananas is one such example. Now there are so very many mutated animals, like a giraffe that plays basketball or an elephant witch doctor, but what sets Sergeant Bananas apart is his blatantly unoriginal name. He’s a gorilla that also happens to be in the army. “Meh, let’s call him Sergeant Bananas.” This is about as normal as things stay.

9. Muckman:

Take notice of the clothes pin on his nose. He's so disgusting he can't stand himself.

Muckman is described as “Tolerating the Turtles,” which sounds like he’s just kinda there most of the time. He’s basically a rotting garbage man and he reminds me a whole lot of the Toxic Avengers. I wouldn’t be surprised if they intended a Ninja Turtles/Toxic Avengers crossover that never went through. Nothing sounds cooler than playing with a compost heap action figure, right?

8. Dwarf Don:

If you ever wanted a Ninja Turtle with a beard, bam, wish granted.

There were a few figures made for a set of I suppose you could say “Barbaric” Ninja Turtles with Leo, Bebop, and Rocksteady all being barbarian warriors of some sort. However, Donatello got the short end of the stick and was cast as the dwarf. It’s strange because I remember there being a mini-comic packed in with this figure that set up a story that included Mike as a knight, but there was no Knight Michelangelo for some reason. I was always disappointed by that.

7. Spock Don:

Technically First Officer Donatello, but you know better.

Yes, there was a Star Trek/Ninja Turtles crossover toy line with the four turtles dressed as the main four characters from Star Trek. Odd that they didn’t have Shredder dressed as a Klingon or something, but no matter. I could include all four of the Star Trek Turtles here, but just seeing Donatello with Vulcan ears puts things over the top.

6. The Mutant Raph:

Of course he's a mutant! It's the second word in TMNT!

For a few years there were also a bunch of crossover figures with Ninja Turtles and Universal Studios Monsters. Some of them were really cool looking, like the Swamp Thing Leo, but something about The Mutant Raph was overly silly. I was always annoyed because he had some cool accessories but his claws didn’t hold them very well, so they’d just sort of slip around in his grip. Regardless, he was still a fairly cool action figure, but that’s only because any figure with claws was considered cool.

5. Tie: Killer Bee/Needle Nose:

Bee with a chainsaw...

...or mosquito with exhaust pipes? Too tough to call.

I can’t decide here which is more ridiculous. On one hand the Foot Clan has a giant bee with a chainsaw and a seat for a Foot Soldier to hitch a ride. So what’s the Turtles’ answer to a giant bee? A giant mosquito, apparently. Just the thought of a mosquito that large freaks me out to no end. What if Shredder could manufacture thousands of these giant bugs? Why wouldn’t he do that all the time? Even weirder, Needle Nose has a windshield to protect the Turtles from I’m assuming gunfire and smaller bugs splattering them in the face. Something about that just seems wrong.

4. Crazy Clown Mike:

Sure, because we needed a mutant ninja clown at some point.

Ninja Turtles are cool. Clowns are not cool. So when you mix the two, which attribute shines through more? Well, in this case the clown half is more apparent, making this one strange thing to see. If you got this one as a gift (and I did), how did you play with him? Did he attack the Foot Clan with his arsenal of balloons and a pie? Oh, and don’t forget his legs extended as well. I’d think Shredder would just be terrified of this one. A clown ninja does have a scary factor to deal with.

3. Bandito-Bashin’ Mike:

Because all Mexican stereotypes have little cactus buddies.

Okay, Ninja Turtles were putting themselves in any manner of themed costumes, with the two biggest being military garb and athletic uniforms. But then along came the Wacky Wild West line with Donatello the cowboy, Leonardo the Indian chief, Raphael the frontier scout, and Michelangelo the…bandito-basher, whatever that is. The amount of racism here is just over-the-top.  He’s obvious a Mexican stereotype. He even has a knife made from a chili pepper. His weapon is a chili knife! What the heck?! There’s no way this would fly these days.

2. Farmer Don:

Forget the Foot Clan! What about the corn?!

I had Farmer Mike who came with a tractor, a shovel, and a pitchfork. I liked him a lot, but I had no clue there was a Farmer Don as well. Let me tell you, Farmer Don made Farmer Mike look awesome. That should be enough to tell you how absurd this action figure is. Donatello even has a corn-cob pipe in his mouth and a crow with a wife-beater sitting on his tractor. There are no words. And this is only number two. So what’s the most ridiculous Ninja Turtle action figure?

1. My First TMNT:

AHHH!!!

The product description explains that the doll is filled with warm water to make it feel “alive.” Action figures are supposed to be cool representations of boyhood fantasies. They should have weapons and vehicles and general chaos surrounding their features. “Warm” and “wiggly” are not adjectives I would use to pitch an action figure to kids unless the action figure is some sort of worm or snake. Just the thought of bathing Raphael is creepy on levels I’m not ready to deal with quite yet and it tops my list for most ridiculous.

So that’s my list. Did you see some of your favorite Ninja Turtle actions figures up there or do you think I missed some? Let me know with a comment or two. There’s also a good chance I’ll give a run-down of the 10 coolest Ninja Turtle action figures, but who knows?