Hard to think this was a small-time deal just a few years ago.

I’ve never been to any conventions or expos for gaming, but to my untrained eye, PAX was huge. The convention spanned six floors and three buildings, so there was always something to see or to do. The best part (since I’ll get this out of the way now) is the atmosphere. Everyone is happy to be at PAX, so it can get sort of difficult to find someone who’s being a jerk. Mostly, everyone is incredibly nice, an aspect that makes the community feel that much more real.

An example: The first night I went to a concert where the band responsible for the Scott Pilgrim game soundtrack (Anamanaguchi) played a bunch of original stuff plus the game’s soundtrack in a massive medley. The lead guitarist was having technical problems, telling us in between songs that he couldn’t hear himself out of his monitor, so he was getting noticeably freaked out, what with having to play a song he’d never played live for people without the aid of hearing how he sounded. Instead of people heckling or something, the massive crowd essentially started a motivational contest, taking turns shouting out the nicest comment such as “I believe in you!” and “I accept you for who you are!” Eventually a girl even rushed the stage and gave him a huge hug while everyone cheered. That’s just awesome.

Like this, but not the Portal 2 robots.

The show floor was pretty hectic though. Dozens of game companies had demos set up for play, though not a whole lot were purely “new” games, by which I mean “games we didn’t previously know about.” I got a chance to play Kirby’s Epic Yarn, the Goldeneye Wii remake, and Donkey Kong Country Returns, but Metroid: Other M was also on the floor, a game that’s already out. Missing, however, was the Nintendo 3DS, a fact that disappointed me to no end.

Besides playing Kirby and DKC, both of which are great games that I want to spend more time with, I finally hopped in front of Microsoft’s Kinect and tried it out. Yeah, it works, at least for the game I was playing. I don’t remember the name of it, but it’s essentially Wii Fit for Kinect. I was able to show off some sweet yoga skills to everyone, an aspect that worked well enough, and then busted some virtual blocks with punches and kicks. I was pretty disappointed that the game could sense my hands but not my elbows, so I couldn’t break blocks with epic elbow strikes or headbutts or things like that, but the game, set up against a pristinely white background without anything interfering, worked and was enjoyable. Not $150 enjoyable, but enjoyable nonetheless.

See? We were totally there and Kyle looks totally awesome in that hat.

I did also eventually pick up a Sony Move controller and play around with it, though that yielded vastly different results. Kyle and I competed in a match of table tennis with the result being Kyle soundly defeating me. Most of this came from my inability to figure out how to play the game. I tried putting the difficulty at the highest setting, not thinking it pertained to controls, but in doing so I lost any ability to perform. I repeatedly hit the ball too hard, too sharply, or not at all, a feat that frustrates to no end. I don’t like complaining about a loss as a result of controls, but it was definitely the case right here. I can’t speak for the Move as a whole because I only played that one game, so right now I have no opinions other than “Don’t put controller settings at the max difficulty.”

I didn’t really play too many other games during the expo, mostly because I can’t stand waiting in lines. This didn’t stop me from playing Duke Nukem Forever, a game that does exist and is awesome. I’ll have the full preview for that game by Friday. I tried Epic Mickey (epic fail), messed with Marvel vs Capcom 3 (utterly destroyed by someone who had been practicing all day, eliminating all fun for the title), and saw a demo for Firefall, a game that looks pretty cool until I heard it was for PC and thought, “Nope, don’t have one that can play your game, so oh well.” It did look extremely cool, though, so don’t let me sell it short.

This guy was rocking the expo every time he did his performance. Severe kudos to him.

Something like 40% of my PAX time was spent in room 310, the Developer’s Lounge. It was the whole reason I was given passes in the first place since the guy running it, a gallivanting developer named James Portnow, brought me, Kyle, and Other Chris in to interview people for The Escapist. By the way, be on the lookout for our interviews later next week at The Escapist. The Dev Lounge was cool, just because it gave people a great chance to simply chat about whatever regarding games and the industry. I met a writer named John Sutherland who used to work for Microsoft and now has his own company at www.vidgamestory.com. That alone was worth the trip since he was a genuinely great guy. I even found myself preferring to hang out in the room a few times instead of seeing official panels since the conversations were so interesting just shooting the breeze with fellow gamers.

Speaking of interviews though, the best PAX 10 moment was, without question, the first night’s concert featuring The Protomen, Anamanaguchi, and Metroid Metal, among others I believe. I wasn’t planning on seeing the concert, but James called me up and asked me and the others to interview Anamanaguchi back stage. I had no clue who they were until I walked into their room and heard them practicing songs from the Scott Pilgrim game soundtrack. That was cool enough, until we headed up to one of the balconies to record the band playing. Other Chris had the camera and Kyle had the mic, but I had nothing to do but watch. At that point I realized the guy standing next to me was Jerry Holkins, AKA Tycho from Penny Arcade, AKA one of the duo responsible for Penny Arcade. So meeting the band of one of my favorite game soundtracks and then watching them perform while next to one of the most important individuals at the expo, yeah, that was pretty cool. What did I say about luck at the beginning of this?

How about cosplay? Let’s talk cosplay. There were a ton of cosplayers everywhere, as to be expected. I would have loved to dress as something cool, but I know me and I know I can’t come up with something as crazy amazing as the Mass Effect Garrus/Tali/Sheppard team or Big Daddy outfit. One of my favorites was simply a Blue Pacman ghost, easily created with an umbrella and a sheet, but it made me happy. Kyle said he saw an April O’Neil costume and even showed me some pics he took on his phone, but alas, I didn’t see her in person. Team Fortress 2 cosplayers were everywhere, as well as Final Fantasy XII and Mario Bros cosplayers, but it was great to see Captain Hammer and not one but two variants of Dr. Horrible. Glad to see everything awesome getting represented.

Oh yeah, and the Delorean from Back To The Future was there, too. That was cool.

There’s just too much to talk about from PAX. I enjoyed myself, but I’m insanely tired now. If you can acquire passes for next year, by all means, I highly recommend doing so. You won’t find a better event for gamers and geek culture lovers anywhere in the world. It just has too much heart to let you down.

Want more articles about gaming culture? Check these out:

-How To Game Correctly

-Scott Pilgrim vs My Movie Review

-Ten Ways The Real World Would Ruin Video Game Worlds

Part 1: Where I Admit I’m Biased

I should preface everything I say with complete honesty: I buy the majority of my games used, typically from either Other Chris or from a place in Eugene called CD/Game Exchange, possibly the absolute best store for games, movies, and CDs. Fable II, my most recently finished game, was bought from Other Chris for $15. I’m currently replaying Gears of War, a game I found for $5 at CD/Game Exchange. I swear by used games. Does this mean that I cheat?

I can see one game here that I'd actually bother paying full price for after having already played it. Can you guess which one?

Here are my two options: I can either find these games, games I’d probably never play unless someone bought them for me as a really rude gift, for a cheap enough price that I change my mind ($15 is my sweet spot), or I can just not play these games altogether. Are developers losing my money? No, they probably never had my money to begin with, purely because a lot of games I buy used fall into one of two categories: Genres I’d never normally play and games that are too old to find new.

Even more truth about me: It’s next to impossible for game companies to convince me to buy a game via commercial hype. I don’t watch previews of games, developer diaries, or endless gameplay montages. Games I buy Day One are always games I already knew I was going to buy Day One when they were announced, such as Super Mario Galaxy 2, Metroid Prime 3, and now The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Do you see a pattern? Yeah, I pretty much only buy Nintendo games brand new. Because I know I’m getting my money’s worth. And no, they didn’t pay me to say that, otherwise I’d be able to afford more games and bills and whatnot.

Notice another trend about those three games I mentioned? They don’t lean heavily on the multiplayer element. If I were into Modern Warfare’s multiplayer, I know that I’d have to buy the newest game Day One because then I’d have the best multiplayer experience since the multiplayer options would be stacked full of players. I’ve tried playing Gears of War online these days, and because I bought it like three years late, I can hardly find a full match with like-skilled players, i.e. only the most devoted of players are still playing/rofl-raping me whenever I go online. I don’t care about multiplayer, so anything that becomes a selling point there is frustrating to me.

Also, I'm pretty sure I'm not finding this game new in stores any time soon.

Part 2: Where I Admit What Makes Sense

Before I keep going on about things I don’t like regarding the opposite of my opinion, I’m going to stop and look at what I understand and agree with. When developers spend years at a time working on a game, sinking millions of dollars into the budget but really trying to make the best game possible, I understand that they should get a cut of the final sales. I mean, jeez, this is their livelihood! This is how they support their families! When I purchase a game used, zero percent of what I just spent gets back to the developer. That’s too bad, because in many cases they really deserve to get some money for their game.

Here’s my addendum to this: It’s your job to create games, not my job to support you. I’m struggling to get any significant work to build a writing resume, so I don’t have much if any expendable income just lying around for me to spend on games. My gaming budget is getting hammered, so I don’t have the option of purchasing everything I even think I might want to play new. Beyond just this, a lot of the games I buy used are games that HAVE ALREADY SOLD MILLIONS OF COPIES. I’ve seen Cliff Bleszinski’s Twitter pictures, he’s not living in want. I’m not forcing him to get a second job because I bought Gears used.

I take it back. Cliff Bleszinksi clearly has a second job kicking all of the butts.

The problem here doesn’t seem to be the developers or the gamers, but rather the system the industry works off of. If used games really are a problem because you as a developer are not seeing a return on them, something should be passed to regulate the market and give you a cut. Heck, even a buck from a $15 used game would be better than nothing, right? I don’t know legal matters, so I’m not the one to pass this, but someone out there does, and they should be working on that, shouldn’t they?

Part 3: Where I Continue To Rant

Back to reasons why I don’t like purchasing new from anyone other than Nintendo: Downloadable content. I hate downloadable content. If I didn’t have the money to buy a $60 game in the first place, what makes you think I have the money to buy two or three extra bits of content for $15 each? I loved Mass Effect 2, but I’ve yet to buy either the mission where you get Katsumi or the recent addition with the Overlord AI whatever. I loved the game, but when stuff like this is added, I realize that maybe I don’t like the game as much as I think I do. I don’t feel compelled whatsoever to continue the story unless there’s a 3 at the end of the title. Bonus missions are worthless to me, end of story, hence why I prefer Nintendo’s “Ship the game and done with it” model of game development. It felt good knowing that Brawl was a one-time $50 purchase, a purchase that included everything the game would ever have in it, also know as: The Game Was Complete.

How this relates to used versus new games is the habit of many good games to re-release said game a year after its original release in a special edition package that includes most of the bonus content, if not all of it. Resident Evil 5 is a prime example of this. I thankfully bought this game from Other Chris for $15 close to a year after it came out and proceeded to hate it to death. I realized that it had a ton of bonus content that I wasn’t willing to shill out for, but then the Gold Edition came out with all content included. Now, if I’d have bought the game Day One, I’d have spent $60, then another $10 per piece of bonus content, adding up to close to $100 within the year. If I had done that, I’d have been a fool since the Gold Edition would have saved me tons of cash. Can I send my copy of RE5 to Capcom with a receipt and get my money back toward the purchase of the Gold Edition? No, they’d tell me to screw off. So what are my options?

Why again did I buy this game? I keep forgetting.

Well, according to the developers, I can just buy the game again and cut my losses and silly me for spending the money in the first place. I suppose they’d be okay with me selling the game to a friend, but only if the friend then destroyed the game so that it could never be played again. Developers are being extremely unreasonable in these regards, so why would I listen to such talk? The used game market gets your product out there, so how is that a bad thing? If I buy the first game in your series used and love it, what if that sends me to purchase the next installment right when it comes out?

The bottom line here is that if developers want in on the used game market…why don’t they just get in on the used game market? Tired of losing money for every used game sold? Sell the used games yourselves. Duh. Game companies are getting huge, so streamlining a trade service would be in your best interest. Give credit for an old title traded in toward a new title, then sell the used copies you have to customers that want a cheaper game but don’t mind the dip in quality. Say you sold a game for $60. That customer likes the game but wants the sequel, so they trade it to you for $20 toward the new title. The game they traded in is now sold for $30 to someone else. You just sold the same game for $70. How is that not a good idea?

I keep hearing that gaming will go all digital download, and to that I can’t be repulsed fast enough. If everything becomes digital, it’ll probably end my gaming hobby. I’ll learn that I just don’t care that much if I have to mess with downloading everything onto a hard drive, especially when I hear horror stories of just how difficult it can be to get all your downloaded content back should that hard drive crash, and when system failure rates are so stupidly high these days, yeah, that’s a concern that’s ever present for me. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one, either. If I leave gaming, likeminded gamers leave, too. I’m not an anomaly.

NOW I remember who THQ are! Yeah, I don't think they have to worry about my money any time soon.

Overall, I’d love to see developers earning more. Devs earning more is good for the industry all around. But calling out gamers for buying used games? Oh piss off. I don’t buy from Game Stop, so you can’t say I’m just supporting a scummy company instead. I support a local business with ever dollar I spend. I support my friend’s VERY healthy new-game-purchasing habit. THQ’s doesn’t speak for everyone, but developers, be careful when you start drawing lines in the sand. You’re not going to like how many people you see standing on your side.

Not done Thinking Deep? Check these articles out:

-Let’s Think Deep: The Moral of the Story

-Let’s Think Deep: Motion Controls in Games

-Let’s Think Deep: Dante’s Inferno and It’s Place In The World

Blue Version:

I know some of your are going to argue that Red Version was better. I don't care; I know you're wrong.

As with most Pokemon fans, I started with the first generation, specifically Blue Version (I don’t care if you think Red Version’s better, I didn’t play that one so shove off). I played through the whole game a few times, but I came to prefer a few specific Pokemon over others. Naturally, my Jolteon was my favorite, having a Thunder attack that never missed, plus Pin Missile for Psychics-types and Double Kick for any Rock-type that tried to take Jolteon down.

No one should ever question my Jolteon. No one. He'll eat your family and not care.

Second to Jolteon was Mewtwo, entirely overpowered with Psychic and Recover, but come on, if you have a Psychic-type and didn’t teach it Psychic, you were playing the game wrong. In fact, I taught Psychic to pretty much every Pokemon that could learn it. My Gengar for instance had a nice variety of attacks, Psychic included, as well as Thunder and Giga Drain, a big overkill against Water-types but very useful in a pinch. Combo those crazy-powerful moves with Hypnosis and it was almost like cheating.

Also critical to my team was a beastly Rhydon that knew the all-important Ground-type move, Earthquake. There just wasn’t a better Ground-type move in my eyes. Besides knowing Horn Drill, a one-hit K.O. that somehow hit way more than it was statistically supposed to, I taught my Rhydon surf. Did you know Rhydon could learn Surf? Dang, if not then you’re REALLY playing the game wrong.

I didn’t know a lot of other players who favored Golduck, but he was one of my original favorites (he was in the top 15 of my original Best Of list). I gave him Surf, as required, as well as a few other attacks, but it was Confusion that gave him the best edge since most Grass-types were also Poison-types during the first generation.

And hey, why not? Can't go wrong with the ol' fire starter.

My last Pokemon was Charizard (check the Deviant Art yo!) with the classic Fire-type move Fire Blast. I also gave him Fly to deal with fighting types and Dig to combat the Rock-types whenever they came out. Overall, I stuck pretty much exclusively to this team, specifically when going through both Pokemon Stadium 1 & 2, and it worked out for me pretty well. It was rare that I’d have to use more than two Pokemon per battle, so I must have done something right.

Yellow Version:

Game Freaks: Smart move making Pikachu a Pokemon actually worth using.

By the time Yellow Version came out I was pretty well addicted to Pokemon, and when I learned that it actually adhered closer to the anime in terms of story and a few other things, I thought it was awesome. While my team didn’t initially seem all that interesting (my team was almost exactly Trainer Red’s team from Pokemon Gold/Silver), it was when I decided to take on the Poke Cup in Pokemon Stadium that I knew I’d need some serious strategy, so I planned accordingly. I’m extremely proud of this team, but it may look odd for a few reasons. However, it makes sense if you understand the restraints of the Poke Cup: Pokemon between levels 50-55 only and when you select three Pokemon for a particular match their combined levels cannot equal more than 155.

I was very addicted to the Pikachu the game provided me with, (as well as most recently with this Deviant Artist’s Pikachu) so I used him as the usual opener for most battles. He knew Thunder Wave and Thunderbolt, two good Electric-type moves for reliability. If I intended to go the distance in a fight, I paralyzed my opponent, then started spamming Double Team for stupid-high evasiveness. And if I needed one last good oomph, I used Mega Kick.

Charizard returned with moves identical to the ones previously described from my Blue Version party. And while he was effective, my real beast this time became a Nidoking that knew Earthquake, Toxic, and Ice Beam. Oh man, knowing an Ice-type attack comes in so handy when you least expect it, especially these generations. If you can take any advice from me, it’s to teach Ice-type moves whenever possible.

I used a Gyarados for my Water-type needs, though I also taught it Thunder in case I was fighting another Water-type. Oh, and Hyperbeam, just because Hyperbeam is such a cool attack. Totally ineffective if you use it at the wrong time, but man, when it finished a match, it was just sweet.

For a real change I threw in Dragonair. Why not Dragonite? Because Dragonite would have to be level 55 and I had to plan my team properly. It worked better to have most Pokemon at level 51 and 52 so that I could balance stats better. Having the rest of my party a few levels higher was much more beneficial than having one at the max level. Anyway, my Dragonite knew Thunderbolt, Blizzard, and Surf, making it a good all-around Pokemon for usefulness and raw power in most situations.

Okay, I'll admit, maybe I didn't hate Mew all that much.

But I still needed a suitable Psychic-type in my team, otherwise I’d get stomped way too easily. Therefore, Alakazam was brought in with Psychic and Dig, just in case it needed to escape for an attack round. To be honest though, the reason I had an Alakazam was because I learned my Mew couldn’t be used in the Poke Cup, even though I had trained it with Psychic, Rock Slide, Mega Punch, and Metronome in case I wanted a last-ditch attack. This team someone led me to victory in the Poke Cup, and since then I haven’t used nearly as much strategy in my teams.

Silver Version:

While Silver Version was my favorite, I didn’t have the energy required to think out elaborate strategies for teams and then go about training them properly. Things were just quickly becoming too much for me to handle. Still, I had a few staples of my party.

Staples like this beast right here.

My number one, Feraligatr, was my go-to guy for the majority of the game. The Elite Four were a real pain in my side until I came up with the genius idea to teach Feraligatr Ice Punch, thus making him an ultra dominator against Lance’s entire team of Dragons. And if Psychic-types appeared, a good old-fashioned Bite sent them packing. Feraligatr went through the Elite Four more than fifty times, helping to raise dozens of younger Pokemon to evolution.

And while Feraligatr was incredibly useful, sometimes I still needed a good Psychic-type to deal with wannabies. Lugia was good for that, knowing Psychic, Recover, and Surf, plus Aeroblast just because. Still, while Lugia was pretty useful against most types, against other Psychic-types the best option was my Tyranitar with Crunch, the Psychic-killer. He also knew Rock Slide, Earthquake, and Fire Punch to axe any poser getting too close.

The rest of my team was kind of hit-or-miss, getting used the majority of the game but not really standing out much. I used an Ampharos for a while that knew Thunder, Thunder Wave, Iron Tail, and Fire Punch, giving it pretty decent coverage against opponents, but no matter what I did, Ampharos never felt that powerful. I used a red Gyarados with no real spectacular moves, and a Donphan that knew Earthquake and Rollout. See? My Silver Version team is just unspectacular. I didn’t need anyone other than my Feraigatr, Lugia, and Tyranitar.

LeafGreen Version:

That's actually me in the background there, by the way. It was before the beard.

Are you wondering where my Sapphire Version team is? To be honest, I looked through the game to see whom I’d used and the results were painfully boring. I didn’t even put any time into catching and evolving the other Pokemon of the game. I simply just didn’t care.

LeafGreen is almost as bad. In fact, it might be worse because in looking at my team I can see that I haven’t even beaten the Elite Four yet. I also didn’t get a chance to trade any key Pokemon to evolve, so I have a Kadabra, a Haunter, and a Graveler rather than an Alakazam, a Gengar, and a Golem.

I didn’t even pick a starter I was happy with. My Squirtle became a Blastoise really quick, but I couldn’t make him very effective in any setting despite knowing Surf, Bite, and Dig. I don’t even have a sixth slot filled, currently in flux between one of the three Legendary Bird Pokemon of the game.

Maybe it was because he was a big stupid turtle with a canon on his back.

The only real standout here is my Persian, which I’ve mentioned before. I was absolutely determined to make this Pokemon work, so I taught it Dig, Bite, and Shock Wave. I don’t know why I expected that to be so cool, but that was as good as I could do, and it didn’t even provide me with a victory over the Elite Four. I promise you though, my fourth generation Pokemon are better.

Diamond Version:

I had the luck of having two close friends also huge on Pokemon at the time of Diamond and Pearl’s release. I picked up Diamond the same as my friend Trinh, whereas Thomas had Pearl. Along with this camaraderie came a significant drive to ACTUALLY play the game I bought. Just the other night I popped Diamond Version back into my DS and took on the Elite Four to train a few random Pokemon, and even though I had only beaten the Elite Four once before, this second time was no problem whatsoever.

I chose Piplup as my starter, deciding that a Water/Steel-type in a final evolution was a cool type to go with, even though I secretly wanted to have Chimchar (I just couldn’t get past the whole “It’s just Torchic but a monkey” thing). Now an Empoleon, it knows Blizzard (take that Dragons!), Drill Peck, Metal claw, and its all-powerful move Surf. I took town most of my opponents just by surfing them to death. Surf is the best Water-type move rather than Hydro Pump. Don’t believe me? Just use Surf enough and you’ll trust it over Hydro Pump.

This isn't me riding an Empoleon, but you get the picture.

I also found a ton of use out of my Staraptor, being another Pokemon I obtained almost at the very beginning of the game. While three of its four moves are Flying-type attacks, they all have a different use. I have Fly for most occasions, Aerial Ace for most others, and Brave Bird when I need to make sure my last attack finishes the battle. His fourth and final move is his best, though: Close Combat. A Fighting-type move for a Flying-type is so danged useful I don’t know why more people wouldn’t be singing its praise. All Steel, Rock, Normal, and Dark-types are screwed, especially since my Staraptor is holding a Fist Plate, making that close Combat even stronger.

Next up is a more traditional favorite, Gengar, back with some new moves. Still keeping Thunder, we add on Shadow Ball and Dark Pulse. Turns out Shadow Ball gets the most use of its four attacks, but Thunder does come in pretty handy. Also in the “classics” category is Golem, stacked with Earthquake, as all good Ground-types should be.

Luxray was a surprisingly great Electric-type, knowing Thunder Fang and Spark, but also learning Charge, enabling it to spend a turn powering up if I knew I wasn’t hitting my opponent that very second. Toss in Crunch and you’ve got yourself a real winner.

Holy crap! Shoop-da-whoop of Time!

And following all of these in my party as my “Reinforcement Pokemon” is Dialga with Metal Claw, Dragon Claw, Ancient Power, and the attack with the greatest name ever, Roar of Time. I don’t even care that it takes a turn to rest after wiping out my opponent; it is just too awesome.

So there you go, now you know my teams. I’m sure some of you have much better strategies than I do, so why don’t you tell me all about them in the comments. Be warned: If you outrage me enough I may unleash Roar of Time at you, and I promise you won’t like it.

Looking for more retrospectives? Check these out:

-Mario: A Retrospctive

-Zelda: A Retrospctive

-Smash Bros: A Retrospective

10. Rattata:

I'm gonna be calling a lot of things cute today, so bear with me.

Pretty much every trainer starting out in Red or Blue version got their first five Pokeballs and went out to catch the basic “learning” Pokemon of the game such as Pidgey, Spearow, and Caterpie. Inevitably, you will catch a Rattata and probably think, “Aw, how cute this little guy is!” Then he’ll start to get stronger and faster and suddenly you learn to love him. Eventually the fated moment comes when he reaches level 20 and begins to evolve…only to turn into a big ol’ rat monster! What happened to my cute-yet-badass rat-friend? Suddenly he looks like he has a serious case of rabies and I don’t want anything to do with him, Hyper-Fang or not.

9. Jigglypuff:

I can't quite figure out why Jigglypuff had such a following, but she did kick a lot of butt in Melee.

One of the early big names from Pokemon was Jigglypuff for some strange reason. Super Smash Bros made the odd decision to include her as one of the 12 playable characters. When I caught a Jigglypuff in blue version, I spent some time dinking around with her, seeing what she could and couldn’t do. It was when I learned she could evolve via a Moonstone that my troubles really began. “What does Jigglypuff turn into?” I wondered. Well, she evolves into Wigglytuff, probably the most pitiful next evolution a designer could think of. “Uh, make her slightly bigger and give her longer ears.” “What, like a bunny?” “Sure, why the hell not?” “What do we name her?” “I don’t know, ‘Wigglytuff’ or some crap like that, I’ve got Charizards to design.” I was so disappointed that I left her in some random box in my computer and never spoke to her again.

8. Shellos:

Somehow they made a slug look cute. Well good on them for that.

Shellos is one of those weird Pokemon that you just can’t figure out. I didn’t really have high hopes for the next generation of Pokemon, but a slug thing? Yeah alright, that’s cool. At least Shellos was special in that there were two different-looking versions you could get: A blue version and a pink version, one from the East and one from the West. Sure, that was kind of cool, like Nidorans and whatnot. Then it evolved from a cute slug thing to a larger slug thing with horns. Ah. And the two evolved forms look pretty much identical except one is pink and one is blue. Oh. Okay then. I’ll just not catch any more slug Pokemon for a while, thanks.

7. Buizel:

This little guy could have easily been a main character of any other show.

Hey, we remember my thoughts on Buizel from a while ago, right? Of course we do. In fact, they got at least one commenter to instantly hate me because I didn’t like what Buizel becomes. Buizel is an ultra cute otter Pokemon with a few cool moves and a lot of potential. Floatzel looks like a 40-year-old transvestite. Should I even continue on? I’m not arguing usefulness of evolutions here; I’m just talking aesthetic appeal. Buizel made me want to snuggle it during naptime. Floatzel made me want to take multiple showers. Literally, it was like I brought home a cute girl, dated her for a while, and then on my wedding night realized she was a 40-year-old dude. I’ll never make that mistake again.

6. Bidoof:

Why do I keep making lists with Bidoofs in them?

Why is Bidoof making yet another appearance on a Pokemon list? That’s a good question. While Bibarel is not a terrible evolution in of itself, one must think of a deeper question: “How does one evolve into a Bibarel?” First, one must have a Bidoof. Secondly, one must train a Bidoof. Third, one must train a Bidoff enough that it evolves. This implies that I’d have to keep Bidoof in my party for longer than a few minutes. Well, my list clearly states “Pokemon I’d Rather Not Evolve,” so I’d say Bidoof fits in quite nicely there. Case closed. No one likes Bidoof.

5. Aipom:

Heh, silly monkey.

Gold and Silver versions were some seriously sweet games, weren’t they? One of the new Pokemon was a monkey-like critter named Aipom, found by headbutting bushes. Okay, sure, I can dig that logic. Aipoms had smiley faces and tails with what looked like a hand on the end (oh, “A Palm,” I see what you did there). I wasn’t big on Aipom as a Pokemon to keep and train, mostly because it didn’t evolve in Gold and Silver. I had my party, I didn’t need any more. Well, along comes Diamond and Pearl with a new evolution, just because. Ambipom, a super creepy monkey with two tail-hands and a smile that’d get most dudes sent to prison instantly. I don’t even know if Ambipom is a useful Pokemon or not. I’m just not letting that thing near my Buizel, if you get my drift.

4. Yanma:

A non-offensive Bug-type. Okay, I can live with that.

Yet another case of the 4th Pokemon generation screwing things up, Yanma was a simple enough Bug-type that filled the much-needed dragonfly slot in the Pokedex. If you’ve got bugs, you just need a dragonfly in there somewhere. It’s required. I’m not a fan of bugs, but Yanma was inoffensive and looked, as I’ve said for a lot of Pokemon on this list, kind of cute. Fast-forward two generations and take a look at Yanmega. AAAAAH! Why did they do that to Yanma?! It’s like if Bulbasaur evolved into Murdersaur and had blood dripping from its teeth and red eyes that hated anything alive. Good Lord, just get it away! Forget Bug-type Pokemon! This is all your fault Yanmega!

3. Glameow:

I can't help myself, I like cats.

If Buizel evolves into a 40-year-old transvestite, Glameow evolves into Rosie O’ Donnell. I’m a huge fan of cats, so much so that I seriously tried to make a Persian work for my party in Yellow version (fairly well I might add). A new cat tends to appear once a generation with Meowth starting things off, then Skitty, and even a few legendary big cats in Entei, Raikou, and Suicune. So along comes the 4th generation and throws in Glameow, a perfectly nice cat Pokemon. Cool, what could it possibly evolve into? Purugly, the biggest punchline ever to a Pokemon evolution. I mean, jeez, hell of a joke to throw in there, what with this pretty little kitty turning into a hambeast at level 38. Gah, I just want to figure out who’s in charge of this evolution business and give them a swift kick to the Cheribis.

2. Lickitung:

I suppose in the right setting, even Lickitung looks cool.

Did anyone really like Lickitung from the first Pokemon games? Be honest now, I need to know this for the sake of science and argument. Okay, I’m going to assume that no one stepped forward to back up Lickitung as worthy of existing in the first place. It was a weird “Hey alright, here’s a Pokemon with a long tongue” thing that was more a novelty for the most part. That’s totally fine. Then along comes some 4th generation designer and thinks, “You know which Pokemon really needs an evolution?” “Skarmory?” “No, heck no, I’m all about Lickitung.” “Oh, but not Skarmory?” “No I said! I want you to take Lickitung and make it even stupider looking, like it thinks it found some dignity somewhere by getting a really dumb haircut. Make that.” “But, uh, seriously, Skarmory can turn into Skarmorade and it’ll be no-“ “Lickilicky I said!” Aaaaaand scene.

1. Pikachu:

How could anyone really want to change this little furry guy?

The original mascot of the series, Pikachu is that one Pokemon that everyone knows and wants to catch. Game Freaks seems to even attempt to recreate Pikachu every new generation with some weird alternate Pikachu, such as Pichu, Plusle and Minum, and Pachirisu, more commonly referred to as “Pikasquirrel.” So with this staple of the series being capable of evolution from the very beginning, you’d assume it could only get better, right? Well, the first time you use a Thunderstone to evolve your Pikachu, you get a Raichu, a fat, fake tan-looking version of your beloved friend that looks more natural with a few popped-collars and a Pabst than out battling other bros for sport. I know there are some fans out there that swear by Raichu, but the majority of us can’t bear the thought of losing Pikachu for the sake of competition. Heck, even Yellow version sought to rectify this by making the Pikachu in that game super powerful via the Light Ball it was carrying. You just can’t evolve Pikachu and be happy about it, so he tops my list and end of story.

So there we go, my list if over. Now I open things up for commenters to give their say on the matter. Did I miss any obvious inclusions? Or did I include something that I totally disagree with? Let me know with a comment or two. Just don’t be surprised if I fail to evolve into someone who cares.

And remember, all the images today came from Deviant Art, a community y’all should support because it’s pretty danged cool. If you like any of the pictures you saw, click the link located in the Pokemon’s name and check out more awesome pics by these artist. Okay, I’m out!

If you want more Pokemon, check out these articles:

-Top 10 Best Pokemon Ever

-My Top 10 Greatest Pokemon Related Achievements

-More To Catch: Pokemon Toys Retrospective

Incorrect shirt: Scarface references are no longer humorous on shirts, especially video game shirts.

First, you are probably dressed incorrectly for your hobby. Are you wearing a shirt? This could already be a problem. Shirts are typically optional when playing video games. However, the exception comes when your shirt has some sort of video game character or reference on it. Does it say “Your Princess Is On Another T-Shirt?” It darn well better, otherwise there’s a chance you’re wearing a button-up shirt with a popped collar, and if that happens to be the case, Lord have mercy on your soul because I sure won’t.

Correct shirt: This shirt is awesome and you will look awesome wearing it.

Now that you’re dressed like a slob (assuming you’re dressed at all), you need to get into the mood. Are you playing alone or with friends? That’s a trick question, because you’re either playing alone or against a bunch of other people also playing alone. No, the stereotype that gamers have no friends is completely wrong. We just prefer not to include said friends when we’re gaming because, let’s be honest, all your friends piss you right the heck off when they play games with you. It is a fact that everyone one else playing a game near you is stupid, terrible, and using hax just because they know you hate them so much. And when you use hax, they get mad because they’re haxing harderer than you. Those don’t sound like friends, do they? Good, so remember to isolate yourself in your own little bubble of You. No one else is allowed, especially other thoughts, however rational they may be.

Choose a place to sit in the room. Where is your TV located? If you answered anything other than “About a foot from my face,” you are not seated in the proper location. Please scoot forward until the bloom from your favorite game is hurting your eyes. That pain is good. It will focus you. Focus now! Stay with me! Good, pick a comfy chair to sit in. “But Chris, pain is good, right?” No, you simpleton, and don’t interrupt me. Eyestrain is a good sort of pain. You can fight through that and make your eyes stronger. Back pain is a whole new degree of foolishness. Once your back goes you’ll never talk about anything again save for your back hurting. No, get a chair with good support. You won’t be leaving that spot for some time now, so you need it to sustain a heavy-duty butt whomping.

You should look roughly like this at this point.

Wait! Did you go to the bathroom first? Oh you silly, foolish twit. You should have gone, because once you begin gaming, there is no time for a bathroom break. You’ll just have to hold it. Some gamers will tell you it’s “teh hardcorz” to use a sock or a soda bottle, but listen to them for a minute. They don’t even know how to spell “the.” And you want to take advice from these pedantic Mongoloids? I thought I had taught you better.

It is important to decide far ahead of time what you prefer to snack on whilst you pwn newbs. Did you pick a greasy, cheese-covered snack? You thought that’d impress me? Oh how wrong you are! You have two choices for snacks and they come down to either unsalted almonds or some sort of clean fruit or vegetable like grapes, carrots, or beef jerky (that’s a fruit, right?). The worse the food is, that doesn’t mean it’ll be good gamer fuel. In fact, if you’re drinking something that calls itself “Gamer Fuel,” stop. You’ve been duped. You’re going to be sitting for long periods of time, and as a sluggish blob, you’ll need things that keep your minds sharp and your fingers clean. Plus, you know what Gamer Fuel feels like coming out the end of the processing line. It’s not the most pleasant thing, is it? My advice, and this goes double for V-8, is to make V-8 your new “Gamer Fuel.” Hear that V-8? Do that and you’ll make millions, which you can then pay unto me for the idea. Go do that everyone. Especially V-8 with the paying of me millions.

Okay V-8, you owe me now.

So which game have you selected to play? Is it an online game such as Modern Warfare or Bad Company 2? Take your headset and turn the microphone away from your mouth. You will not need to speak into it. You will, however, need to hear the moronic drivel coming from the other pitiful excuses for gamers, i.e. children under ten, in order to know where to target your next grenade. It does not matter if they are on your team, either. If someone begins complaining, blow them a new USB port. However, you must never make a sound. You are to act as the ninja, silent like the night yet deadly like the clam. What? There was a terrifying giant clam in the old Batman show that ate Robin. That freaked me out. Just like the ninja.

And then- OH GOD! That's horrifying!

If, however, you’ve decided to play a true single player game such as Mario or Final Fantasy, you need to learn to block out all forms of verbal and visual communication coming from anything but your TV. If a female walks into the way, you should be so focused she is literally transparent. If, however, she manages to appear as if she’s on TV, perhaps with a clever TV disguise, she clearly has something very important to tell you, such as where the Hookshot can be found or why the house is currently on fire (though that could all just be a trick, sniff for smoke first before shutting off your game).

And then there's the chance, of course, that the game CAUSED the fire in the first place...

Now comes the tricky part: Playing with grace. As I mentioned, you must be silent and deadly like the ninja, yet calm like a monk of some sort. Have you ever seen a monk freak out when he’s playing a video game? No, and don’t give me answers like “I’ve never seen a monk play a video game.” Perhaps they were so calm when they did it that you didn’t notice, or they focused so hard on the game that they ceased to be visible (this is naturally your goal because if you’re invisible, your wife can’t find you to tell you the house is on fire).

When you lose, and you will lose from time to time in your game, do not throw your controller or scream. Bottle this rage inside you. Breaking a controller is not a satisfying experience. The remorse will hit you almost instantly afterward, reminding you that controllers these days cost upwards of $40 that could have gone toward new gamer shirts. Channel your rage unto your enemies, such as the poorly programmed enemies you face or the ten-year-old f-words online. These are not people and when they break they do not cost you $40 or more. They only reward you with sweet satisfaction.

Don't be deceived. This little girl is pure evil and must be stopped.

Once you have completed your gaming day, be courteous and wrap up any spare cords, turn off the TV, and place all gaming-related accessories where they’re supposed to go, otherwise someone might trip on and break them or worse, you console. Also, go check and see if anyone tried to speak to you while you were ignoring them. Perhaps they were trying to tell you they bought you a new game. Any rage you’ve been bottling should also be gone now. This assumes you beat whatever it was you were trying to beat. If you did not accomplish your task, go back to step one and repeat until you stop failing. Nothing shames a gamer more than defeat, even a gracious one.

With these few tips in mind, you should have no problem succeeding as a gamer in the world of today. I can’t speak for the world of tomorrow, but good luck to you if that’s where you happen to live. In the meantime, with these simple guidelines in place, go forth and enjoy. Also send me money, for my hobby requires vast amounts of money that I do not have. That is all.

Want more articles all about nerdly love? Check these out:

-Top 20 Greatest Mario Enemies

-Top Ten Video Game Quotes That Need To Die

-Let’s Think Deep: The Virtual Utopia

Yes sir, times are good for gamers.

This year’s E3 was full of a lot of win, assuming you were a Nintendo fanboy such as myself. While some announcements were completely out of left field, others were pretty expected. Donkey Kong Country Returns was somewhere in the middle, having been leaked as a thing currently in development by Retro Studios not long before E3. Leakage aside, what really matters is, we get a new Donkey Kong Country game! What an exciting time we live in! So then, let’s take a look at what we know from the preview and what we suspect will be in the final product in a little segment we like to call, “Game Previews.” What? You expected something fancy?

Nothing Like That Retro Feel

What the previous DKC games had going for them was their ability to make memorable sidescrolling platform levels with their own signature charm and difficulty. I did a whole article on the three games, essentially declaring my love for them. Thankfully, when Retro Studios was asked to reinvent what Rare did with the originals, they got down to business making sure they made the game the fans wanted. This, blissfully, looks like that game.

Ooh, doesn't this just look sweet?

Thus far it appears that the main “gimmick” of the game, if it can be called that, is the use of very simplistic depth during gameplay, meaning most of the time you’ll be in the foreground but sometimes you’ll be forced to hop around in the background as well. This isn’t too complicated to deal with and has worked fairly well in games previous, such as, uh, okay, I can’t think of games where that happened off the top of my head, but they exist.

Also, we get to play as Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong again, and it really is about time. Interesting that a series called “Donkey Kong Country” only had one game where you could actually play as Donkey Kong. Strange. Anyway, instead of a one-hit-KO thing, you’ll get two hearts when you play and four if you find Diddy. Sadly, you won’t really be playing as Diddy as much as you’ll be teaming up with him to perform special moves and such. I can live with that though, because they made sure to bring back minecarts, and when minecarts are brought back, all is forgiven.

Shown: Forvigeness for any and everything.

There are some other things missing, though. Mainly, the Kremlings. Those are entirely gone. King K. Rool isn’t the Big Bad here, and that makes me a little sad. I’m not sure exactly why that decision came down the pipe, but no matter, I suppose it had to be done. Also gone are underwater levels since, according to the main developers at Retro, they would have made the game too slow. Good then, because underwater levels suck in every video game.

Right now we don’t know a whole lot more about the game. Animal buddies such as Rambi haven’t been shown, though developers at Retro have mentioned they know fans want the animals back, so there’s an extremely good chance we’ll see some of the more recognizable ones such as Squawks and Expresso come back. I wouldn’t mind seeing Winky return as well, but that’s just wishful thinking on my part.

And that’s pretty much all we know about Donkey Kong Country Returns. I know that it can be preordered from Amazon, and that it’s expected to come out before the end of this year. I’ll be asking for it for Christmas, but how about you? Any other DKC fans out there excited for this one?

Sometimes the real world needs to stay away from our games, doesn't it?

The world is a very different, very scary place these days. Thankfully, video games are mostly blissful escapes from that harsh reality. But what if aspects of the real world started creeping into the fantasy realm? Here are ten ways the real world would ruin the video games world.

Pokemon Protected Under Endangered Species Laws:

Your lucky day, or a massive inconvenience?

The lands Pokemon games take place in are magical regions to live, full of awesome creatures ripe for the catching and training. And if you keep your eyes out and your wits sharp, you’ll run across a Legendary Pokemon.

BUT HOLD ON! You can’t capture that! Leave it alone! Because it’s the last of its species, it is protected by Endangered Species Laws, meaning you not only can’t capture it, you’ll be arrested for even trying. Pikachus? You can have dozens. But Lord help you if you catch a Mew.

Extra Lives Cost More Due To Inflation:

Suddenly every coin means a whole lot more and a whole lot less.

The Mushroom Kingdom is known as a land full of whimsy. Whimsy and war. Constant war. There hasn’t been a year where Bowser hasn’t appeared and tried to take over everything. At least Mario always shows up to save the day. That’s the one constant, other than the price of an extra life. 100 coins, right?

BUT HOLD ON! At this point an extra life would cost a heck of a lot more, possibly closer to 1600 coins. You’d see Mario steppin’ a lot more careful around pits if that were the case.

Families in The Sims Evicted:

Seriously, would you approve a loan for these morons?

Living a life as a Sim wouldn’t be too bad, all things considered. Your whole life is based off commercialism, you can easily find and make friends all the time, and if you don’t like your job, you can get a better one by reading a book for a few minutes. Wonderful, right?

BUT HOLD ON! How did you pay for your new house there? One of the causes of our current recession stems from the housing crisis where prospective homeowners were given huge loans for houses that they could never afford and thus were evicted at the worst possible time. The Sims are so incapable of taking care of themselves that they’ll wet their shorts if you don’t tell them to go to the bathroom. And these people were approved for home loans? Yikes.

No More Evil Corporations:

"I must destroy the world for reasons I forget why! Mwahaha!"

Shinra is certainly an evil, evil corporation filled with evil people doing evil things. The Umbrella Corporation is even worse, creating zombies and stuff for seemingly no reason at all. Luckily we have heroes to battle these massive companies. Some games are hinged on this massive takedown.

BUT HOLD ON! Before you go after the corrupt head of that awful organization, check to see if it isn’t crumbling from the inside after filing Chapter Eleven bankruptcy. And if a company is really, truly evil enough to destroy the world, the actual government is going to step in and stop that oil spill, I mean that zombie epidemic. No heroes are really required for the job, meaning Cloud and Tifa and the whole gang can just go shopping at Hot Topic instead.

Halo Protested On a Daily Basis:

"Why don't I just cram this down your throat instead? That sound cool?"

Earth is a hectic place to live, what with the fight constantly needing be finished. Aliens are popping up left and right with giant ships just to mess with us. At least we’re totally behind Master Chief.

BUT HOLD ON! This is a war, right? Those are BAD! Assuming we’re still our Earth, there will be those that believe the war is completely just. Then there will be the other half that opposes the war purely because it’s a war and those are always unjust. They attacked us first? That’s probably just because we were messing around in their solar system. You’d have a heck of a time getting anywhere as a soldier on the planet without someone picketing you and calling you a grunt killer.

Link Out of a Job:

"Hey! HEY! They took my job!"

Whereas Mario is the best option to save the Mushroom Kingdom, Link always steps up to the challenge and restores peace to Hyrule by rescuing Zelda. Otherwise he wouldn’t have much of a reason to do anything, would he?

BUT HOLD ON! Unemployment rates are ridiculous these days, meaning that there would be more than enough capable people just hanging around, ready for a chance to save a princess. Sure Link may be the Hero of Time, but with the right motivation, anyone could do what he does and restore the peace. It’s not like there’s a whole lot to do in Hyrule, anyway.

Silent Hill Subject To a Michael Moore Documentary:

Maybe this could be a good thing afterall.

If you had to pick one place of the world to avoid, it’d have to be Silent Hill. It’s a town suffering from, essentially, Hell owning all the real estate. Demons regularly appear and if you find yourself trapped within city limits you’re pretty much screwed, aren’t you?

BUT HOLD ON! What other town is best suited for a sadsack documentary ridiculing the shortcomings if the United States than a town devoid of all decency? Michael Moore would be there so fast that it’s scary, and naturally he’d go on and on until the Powers That Be intervened to shut him up. In Essence, Silent Hill would become an overnight tourist trap and eliminate any and everything that made it the place we love to fear.

Thousands of Greenhorns Attempt to Ford the River:

Why would you do that? Bunch of Greenhorns.

Ah the Oregon Trail. The promise of a better life after a trip of hardship is something we’re just programmed to love living in the land of the American Dream. Therefore, the Oregon Trail becomes a great choice, especially since Oregon is pretty danged sweet.

BUT HOLD ON! If you’ve ever played the Oregon Trail, you know the dangers of fording the river. You have to be an intelligent, experienced player even to CONSIDER fording the river. Sadly, too many fools would start fording the river willy-nilly, thinking it’s cool or something, and thousands would die. And since extra lives cost more these days, it’d be sad.

Real World Controls Enter The Gaming World:

Wouldn't it suck if this really happened? Wouldn't it?!

Video games have the advantage of being ridiculous distractions from the real world. Depending on the game, a single button press could result in you destroying the world. How cool! Precise controls are a great thing, aren’t they?

BUT HOLD ON! Next thing you know they’ll start trying to tell us the cool new thing is moving around while you’re gaming to do simple tasks and- Oh wait…

PETA Would Go Nuts About Star Fox:

Like the original space program. Except with more animals. And G-Diffusers.

If I could voice one video game character, I think I’d want to voice Fox McCloud. In fact, if I could WRITE one game, it’d be a new Star Fox game, mostly because we really need a new Star Fox game. The whole game concept is just too much fun. Animals in space? I’m there!

BUT HOLD ON! Animals in space?! You’re sending these poor creatures into almost certain DEATH?! It doesn’t matter if it’s other animals sending these animals into space, that stuff doesn’t fly with PETA. Granted, there’s a high chance these space wars won’t happen anyway due to protests, but rest assured, if that fox got into space, PETA would be there screaming about it and making their own game to mock the practice.

And I’m spent. How ridiculous of me. I’m all done thinking about the real world intersecting with video games, but what about you? Can you think of any ways the real world would ruin our lovely fantasies? Leave a comment and let me know. In the mean time, I have a river to ford.

Because, hey, sometimes great games are just short.

The other day I gave a little rundown of the three main options for game rentals. I suppose I should have included “Borrow from friends,” but that’s a given. Today, however, I’m giving you a list of games that work better as rentals. Ready? Here we go!

God of War III:

This is the last time Kratos stops to breath before going too fast to even think about the absurdity of his adventure.

I wrote a review a few months ago that went off on the game, mentioning how I beat it in one sitting in under ten hours. To me, this is the epitome of a rental title because, really, you can beat this one in the rental time and never need to play it again. The reason is because the story is all used up after one time around the block. Unless you’re a diehard God of War fan, you’ll find little reason to play this ever again, so a rental is all you need.

Ghostbusters the Video Game:

As if a third movie wouldn't be worth a rental in the first place?

While you could find a lot to like about this one, and for $10 or less I’d certainly recommend a purchase, you will get all you need out of this game in a standard rental period. The campaign mode is just short enough to be manageable, and the online component has a charm that only lasts for about a week unless you get addicted. If the addiction happens, consider buying it when you see it for cheap, otherwise you’re good for the five days.

Any Mario Party/WarioWare Title:

Hooray! You're stagnating as a franchise!

The Wii is a fun system, no contest. The Wii is also full of games that, for lack of a better term, are a one-time novelty at best. Let’s say you have a group of friends coming over for a night and you all want to play some fun game together, but your collective gameplay experience is relatively low. This would be a good time to explore the option of a minigame-heavy title such as any Mario Party or WarioWare title, such as WarioWare Smooth Moves. You’ll get about as much enjoyment from the titles in a rental period as you will over the course of a lifetime. Take your pick which sounds better.

Arkham Asylum:

Of all the cool images I could have used, I went with a handshake shot. Yup, I'm such an awesome editor.

I love me some Batman, and if I had to own any Batman game it would definitely be Arkham Asylum, but we can be honest here: There’s not a pressing need to own the game. A sequel is currently planned, so if it comes down to it and you can’t find a copy for under $20, the $9 rental choice isn’t a bad one. I managed to get all 1000 Achievement Points for Arkham Asylum in under two weeks, so although it’s amazing, you’ll run out of things to do pretty quick.

Modern Warfare 1 & 2 (Single Player Only):

"What? We don't have time for your namby-pamby story! Snowmobiles! WOO!"

Stop. Before you jump down my throat, take a look at the words in parenthesis there. If you want a multiplayer game, yes, BUY the Modern Warfare games. You’ll justify your purchase very quickly, discovering that you’ll be playing for months and months. BUT, if you want a deep single-player campaign, you’re going to come up short here. If your friends have been bugging you to play through the campaign, a rental should suffice. If they’ve been bugging you to play the game with them, you’ll have to buy it, bro.

Any Dragonball Z Game:

"Kakarot, I think your aim's off." "Yeah, it's because these controls keep changing."

I also love me some DBZ. And I own some seriously great DBZ games, my favorite being Budokai 3 for the PS2. But they didn’t stop with Budokai 3. For some reason they kept making new games for the new systems, and as a result, there’s not a lot to care about. A new title comes out about once a year, meaning you really aren’t getting much meat to these titles. If you have to, and I mean have a physical NEED to play every DBZ game, you will get everything of value from a single week’s playtime. The fighting system just doesn’t have as much depth as a title like Street Fighter, so you’re not going to gain much from honing those skills. The next year’s edition is just going to change things up again.

Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe:

Might as well say it's a pushing-match if there aren't Fatalities.

The same sort of holds true here. If you’re into Mortal Kombat, this game will be a bit of a disappointment since real Fatalities are MIA to accommodate DC’s wishes that you don’t see their beloved characters eviscerated, as much as we’d like to rip Superman’s face off and eat it. The fighting mechanics aren’t that bad, but once more, they’re not as well balanced as other fighting games that specialize as fighting games. This game specializes as a placeholder until a new Mortal Kombat or DC game comes out. You’ll find the most enjoyment in a single week, if even that.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed:

Killing Storm Troopers can and will get old, I assure you.

Kyle tells me that The Force Unleashed wasn’t the worst game he’s played. He also mentioned that yes, it was a disappointment to him, as most Star Wars fans have claimed. But it wasn’t without value, meaning it warrants a play. Just not a play at full price. The story will take you under a week to complete at a slow pace, but unless you want to replay it more than once, you won’t need to own it.

Punch-Out!! Wii:

Stop dancing. Your game's too hard to accept you dancing in my face!

I rented this title last year and thought it was really excellent. I also realized that I got all I could out of the game in my rental title because if I played any more I’d hurt myself and everyone else around me. The reason is because the game is insanely difficult, albeit fan-freaking-tastic. I just don’t have the patience to hone my skills past the breaking point. I nearly destroyed a Wiimote due to the stress the game put me through, so the only people that would find the need to own Punch-Out!! on the Wii are gamers far above my skill and patience level.

Prince of Persia (2008):

Shown: Rental Material.

As a friend of mine (Dennis) put it via Facebook: “I also found that Prince of Persia (2008 game) was short, but pretty fun. But pretty short.” Well, that sounds like as much of a recommendation for a rental title as you’re gonna get. I even remember playing the “good” Prince of Persia game on the GameCube, the one Gus wrote about, and while it was good, it was super short. Apparently the newer Prince of Persia games adhere to the same pitfalls (ha!) that pledged the first 3D affairs: Short single-player adventures. Done, Rental Title, branded.

There are ten games that more or less work better as rental titles. But I promised a few that DON’T work as a rental title. Want to know which ones?

Final Fantasy XIII:

What? Like you had a life to live, really?

You can’t finish the tutorial levels of this game in under twenty hours on your first playthrough, most likely, so you’re not beating this game in five days, no matter how dedicated you think you are. Maybe if you literally have nothing to do for the next 120 hours, but most mortal humans need sleep, so buy this, or any Final Fantasy/Dragonquest/JRPG games if you have the desire to play them.

Mass Effect 1 & 2:

Mordin is enough to make me want to own Mass Effect 2.

You aren’t playing Mass Effect 2 unless you’ve played Mass Effect 1, and you aren’t getting anything less than twenty hours of gameplay from either, so slow down Tex and savor the experience. I’ve been meaning to go into how much there is in these two games, but suffice it to say, you’ll prefer owning these ones.

Super Smash Bros Brawl:

It's pretty much like this. You can't really deny it.

This game is best as a multiplayer experience, but wait just a second when you think you’ll just rent it for a party. While there are nearly 40 characters and dozens of levels, you don’t start with all those unlocked. And there is no way to unlock them all quickly. You have to work at this one, so unless you’ve rented it previously, you’ll have some work cut out to get it up to maximum multiplayability. Just own this and do yourself a favor.

Little Big Planet:

This game has too much content to consider it a light snack, so make it a feast.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten the little wonder on the PS3. I know enough to know that Little Big Planet is a game you don’t just play, enjoy, and then move on with your life. If you like it enough to play it, you’ll want to own it since you’ll get into creating your own content and improving your skills. If you really think you’ll like a game that makes level-creation relatively simple and rewarding, there’s no reason to rent this one first.

And that’s my little bit about rental titles. Now I’ll just sit back and wait for the hate to file in… “What’re you talking about? God of War III is a MUST BUY…” Yup, just sit back and wait.

The end has come for Hollywood Video, so what does that leave for rentals?

We’ve hit a point in our life where video games are officially everywhere. We’ve also hit a point where they cost more than the average person has to freely spend all willy-nilly. When I was a kid there was always the salvation of the video game rental, but these days you have to think harder whether you really want to rent a game or just purchase it. Here’s my two cents on the subject matter, although it’s recommended you have more than two cents saved up should you decide to rent a game.

Your Three Options

At this very moment, you have essentially three options for renting games in the traditional sense. Blockbuster Video still exists in most places, most likely leaving it as the only video store in your town now that Hollywood Video moved on like your last girlfriend. The second option is the Mom & Pops video store you may actually nearby, though don’t get too attached as those may very well move on, too, just like your current girlfriend. The third option is Game Fly, the video game version of Netflix. So which method is best? Stop being so pushy! This is why your girlfriends keep leaving you!

The Last Great Juggernaut

Just don't get too attached...

Okay, so let’s start off with Blockbuster since, uh, I mentioned that first. Blockbuster’s first priority is that of a chain movie store. They are riddled with company policy and deals they constantly want you to buy. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. The bad news is that the price for a game rental is currently $9 for five days, which in the simplest terms is exactly $Ridiculous. You have to really know that you will be satisfied with your game rental within that five-day period, otherwise I have a better option for you. Still, I’ll give you some titles that work well for that rental time.

The good news for Blockbuster though is that because they have the cash flowing in semi-regularly, they can offer coupons here and there, plus if you mention you love renting video games to relatives they are more inclined to get you a giftcard to Blockbuster, knowing you’ll have one nearby and they’ll have something you’ll rent. But as I said before, they’re run by corporate policy, meaning they have no wiggle room 99% of the time if you, say, take a game back after one night and say you can’t play it anymore since you’ll kill someone as a result of being bad at Street Fighter IV (totally hypothetical). Doesn’t matter, you’re not getting any money back.

Frickin'...STOP KICKING ME! ...Totally hypothetical.

The Local Option

As for the second option, the Mom & Pops store, you have similar aspects to consider. While they’re smaller in size, to stay competitive they may have rentals for much cheaper or much longer, sometimes both. The reason behind this is they don’t hinge a lot of sales on game rentals, so they can afford to let those go cheaper. The inverse means they won’t put a high priority on game rentals, so they won’t get as many copies of new games, if any. Of course, this is all dependant on your individual store. I have a local game store called Big City Gamin’ that has new titles and rents things for $1 a day. You’ll probably have to go looking for the small town game store in your area since they won’t make themselves well known.

And sometimes they just look cooler than Blockbuster, too. The little things count.

The other great part about the small town store is the aforementioned wiggle room that policy-driven chains must adhere to. If you make friends with the employees at your local video store and walk in with a complaint, you’re more likely to have them listen and say, “Yeah, that sucks bro, sure, grab a different game for the remainder of your rental period.” This is naturally case-by-case, so it may not hold true to every store you shop at.

Living on The Grid

The last option is that of Game Fly. The easiest way to describe Game Fly is “Netflix but with games and for twice the money.” They have a few pay options, but the main one is either one-disc out at a time for $16 a month or two-discs for $23. As a cost-saving measure, the math is that you’re paying a little over fifty cents a day for the one-disc option and a little less than fifty cents a day for two. Overall, that makes this a better deal than Blockbuster, assuming you play games enough to justify renting games all the time.

The downside is they apparently think we look like this.

But assuming you play games that much, you’re going to have some periods of waiting before you can play games again. The second you request a game it does not appear in your mailbox (you’re smart enough to know this), and every time you’re finished with a game you’ll have a few days of lag before the next one appears. There’s just no avoiding that. As I said though, if you play a lot of games but don’t have the money to buy everything, Game Fly is the next best option.

My biggest warning about renting video games comes as thus: If you don’t care enough about the game to buy it, why are you renting it? And if you are renting it, why do you need it now? For me, most new titles are either in my “I must own” category or my “I’ll play that eventually” category. Much of the time, if I wait six months I can get the game I didn’t feel strongly enough to buy Day One for as low as $5, though $15 is probably the standard price I find. If you have patience, there really is no reason to want to rent games.

If, however, you want some good recommendations on games that work better as rentals, and a few that don’t, I’ll have that for you in a day or so. Stick tight and weigh your options game renters!

Kyle and I may not be birds, but friends of a feather, that is quite true.

Today we have the fifth episode of the Too Much Awesome podcast with the return of Kyle Martinak. In this episode, Chris and Kyle discuss the general topic of childhood trends, including what Kyle calls “Schoolyard Currency,” Pogs, Super Soakers, Nerf, Mr. Potato Head, Toy Story 3, and video games. Plus, Chris makes a point of wishing Bob Chipman, the Game Overthinker/Movie Bob, was his friend. So sit back, relax, and listen to two boys reminisce about their childhoods.

Within the episode we reference Kyle’s recent article on his Unattainable Toys, his older article on Silly Bandz, Episode Three and Four of the podcast, Kyle’s Review of Toy Story 3, my article on Toy Story 3 Toys, and the Eight-Part Mario Retrospective.

You can download the new episode here.

And as promised, here is how I’ve set up my shelf for Kyle for the past few months without a response:

There, now I can sleep easy and change their configuration.

Want to know how to beat every inch of Mario Galaxy 2? Read on my friends.

Welcome to my first attempt at offering tips and tricks to a popular video game. For me, I’ve always felt as if I was a fairly good game player, but I was never sure if that translated to teaching. We’ll find out today as I offer Tips From a Grandmaster for one of the best games of the year: Super Mario Galaxy 2 for the Nintendo Wii.

Before we begin, know that I’ll be giving away a handful of spoilers about the game. Namely, all of them. I’m going to tell you every little secret you may encounter and I’m going to do it very quickly and unforgivingly. I will tell you what you get for collecting 120 stars, what you get for doing what comes after that, and your ultimate reward. Hopefully I’ll also be telling you how best to play, but that’s all speculation on my part.

This is your final spoiler warning.

Bowser will have none of this spoiling. Leave now or feel the burn of a spoil.

Okay, now that it’s just us devoted Mario Galaxy 2 players, let me jump right into saying that I’ve now successfully 100% completed Super Mario Galaxy 2. Overall it may just be my favorite Mario 3D platformer now due to how spot on everything about it has been. But there are still some unfortunate downsides that I will address, specifically limitations you’re going to have to find ways around in order to proceed at the Grandmaster level. We ready to begin? First, the basics.

Collecting all 120 Power Stars isn’t too difficult in the long run. I’d say that the more difficult levels tend to be ones where motion controls are required, such as gliding or using the giant rolling ball (I LOATH those levels). Get those out of the way first so as to alleviate stress later on. Two trains of thought dictate that when coming to a particularly difficult star you either A. Take a break from that star and go onto something different, or B. Struggle through it until you succeed. I’m very much of the second option, but that doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes the best course of action is simply shutting the game off and allowing yourself to unwind for a bit.

Once you’ve collected all 120 stars and beaten Bowser yet again, you’ll learn of the Green Stars. These will double the number of stars in the game. Take stock of your skills at this point and above all take a break. It can be soul crushing to see Trickster Comets hit every single level again, right after you’ve just “finished” the game in your mind.

So it's basically a star, but it's green. Pretty simple concept to wrap your head around.

The basics of Green Stars are fairly simple. Green Stars in a level are proportional to the number of Power Stars in the level, meaning either two or three. Green Stars do not have a special condition to appear. Rather, they’re floating out in the open, waiting to be grabbed. They will not be inside boxes, chests, balloons, or enemies.

Most important to know for Green Stars is their distinctive sound. They make a sort of shimmery glowy noise when you are near them. This will be your big indicator as to their location or if you’re close to them. Sometiemes it works best to take it slow in a level and pay close attention to everything you see or hear. Many Green Stars will be painfully simple to grab. The very first Green Star in the first galaxy is pretty much right above your head, more or less, requiring a backflip at most to collect. Others will be downright nasty to grab.

My general rule for Green Stars comes down to going in order of your least-favorite galaxies first and working backward to something simpler. This will reduce your stress, as I mentioned earlier, and allow you to motor through some galaxies faster. I started collecting Green Stars from the S World first and worked my way back through all galaxies with gliding or ball rolling, then through boss levels, then all galaxies with two stars, then World 6 and so on. I ended with the Puzzle Plank Galaxy, my favorite for one reason or another. If you prefer to start simple and work your way towards more difficult galaxies, start in World 1 and move upwards that way. Nothing says you have to go in order though, so use that to your advantage.

And nothing said you had to like these stages either. They're unfair and I hate them.

Okay, now that you know how you’re going to be proceeding with the Green Star Challenge, you’ll need to know some techniques the first 120 stars didn’t teach you. Here they are:

This dude in now your best friend. Get used to it.

Get Comfortable With Luigi: You can switch between using Mario and Luigi at any time on the starship once you beat Bowser the first time. They play slightly different with the main change being jumping height. Luigi can noticeably jump higher and further than Mario. However, Luigi has less traction and takes a bit of extra time to stop, making precise movements tricky. Once you get the hang of Luigi, you’ll prefer him to Mario due to the game-breaking jumps you’ll be capable of. A vast number of Green Stars are placed in locations that seem only Luigi will have the jumping ability to hit, so you need to know how to use him and get really chummy because he’ll be your go-to guy for the second batch of 120 stars.

Sometimes you gotta break a few Yoshi eggs when baking a cake.

Learn How to Sacrifice Yoshi: Up until the Green Stars, I had never been in a situation where I needed to jump off Yoshi in order to get a little extra oomph to my jumps. Knowing the proper time to dismount from Yoshi to gain a little extra air is vital to collecting Green Stars since most galaxies with Yoshi in them place the Green Stars floating over an empty void reachable only with some well-timed flutter jumps and a hasty dismount/spin. Yoshi is your friend but you can’t get every star without dropping a few Yoshis to their untimely demise. Get used to this fact and learn how to dismount, a skill as simple as performing the backflip while on Yoshi.

It's fluffy. Learn to love it. Make that fluff an extension of your body.

Savor the Cloud Suit: It seems like a fairly simple rule of thumb that whenever a Cloud Suit is available in a level, you’ll be expected to utilize it to its fullest to get at least one Green Star in said level. Many times you’ll be asked to reach a Green Star only reachable with the Cloud Suit, meaning you have to know how to make really far leaps and create a cloud at the correct distance. Whenever you find a Cloud Flower and gain the Cloud Suit, don’t waste your clouds all willy-nilly. It is very likely you’ll be required to use all of those clouds at some point in the level. The Melty Molten Galaxy is a prime example of this. If you don’t save at least one or two clouds for late in the level, you won’t be able to get to one of the Green Stars. Be comfortable with the extra floatiness of the Cloud Suit and know when to spin and when not to spin.

Master the Triple Jump: You won’t have to use the Triple Jump until the Green Stars, but then it comes up a number of times. Green Stars will routinely be seen hovering just out of reach above your head. A backflip/spin won’t give you enough air, or even a summersault flip/spin. This is where the mastery of the Triple Jump is critical. The game won’t ask you to do a Triple Jump in any place that doesn’t allow for the running start, but it still demands careful timing. Practice in places where you aren’t likely to die from screwing this up. Once you have the rhythm down you should have less of a problem getting some of the more difficult Green Stars like the first Green Star in the Stone Cyclone Galaxy.

Line Up Your Shots: The Triple Jump is useful for gaining air, but the Long Jump/Spin combo will gain you the most distance, especially with Luigi. Problem is, some Green Stars are located outside your line of sight. You’ll frequently encounter instances where you can’t turn the camera to see straight, either, meaning you’ll have to manually look around to see where the Green Star is shimmering. Once you know where it is in relative distance and height, look for some markings on the ground to help indicate where to jump from. You’ll frequently find straight lines leading you right to the star, allowing you to have a better idea how to aim.

Hey, sometimes things get tough. You'll get over it. Sometimes ghosts chase you. You'll get over it.

Accept Failure: Some of the Green Stars are unfair, simple as that. I’d wager at least half of them are floating over an empty void, meaning that if you miss your shot you’re looking at one less life in your stash (or ‘stache). It is really easy to blame the camera in most places. Do that. It’s easier to accept that the camera is faulty rather than you as the player. Learn to accept when Green Stars are placed in a vague place in what appears to be an optical illusion and realize that you’ll need to just try again and again until you line the shot up perfectly. I can’t tell you how many times I was so dead sure I landed on the star from a crazy jump but fell right past it. Try again and you’ll get it eventually. It’s a pain, but learn to deal and you’ll be fine.

Come To Terms With What You’re Trying to Accomplish: Here’s where the End Game spoiler comes in: You aren’t getting anything from finding all 242 stars in the game. After collecting the 120 Green Stars, you’ll unlock the final galaxy, the Grandmaster Galaxy. This is a tough galaxy, and rightfully so. Once you collect the 241st star, the 49th Comet Medal, and accrue 9,999 Star bits with the Bank Toad, the final star will appear. It is a Daredevil Run of the Grandmaster Galaxy, meaning you have one hit point, no saves, and almost no chance to beat this one. I must have died fifty times just trying to collect this one single star. And what did I get for my trouble? You get three things, beyond the satisfaction of completing the game.

First, Roselina joins your starship. She will now sit on the starship and offer her thanks for having nothing left to do in the game. You don’t get to play as her or anyone else. She just sits there and says “Thanks” every time you speak with her. Secondly, you get a message on your Wii message board that shows a picture of your 242 stars lined up, saying basically, “Thanks for playing the game!” from the development team. Lastly, you unlock the death counter for your profile, letting you know how many times you died while playing the game. This isn’t a reward; this is an insult. “You won! Congrats! Yeah, but by the way, here’s how many times you died. Try harder next time.” Unacceptable. Worst completion reward to any game I’ve played in recent memory.

Look, Rosey, I like you and all, but your thanks isn't gonna cut it. Even Peach had the decency to bake me a cake.

But that’s the thing to remember: You aren’t pushing yourself to find every star because you’ll get anything. You need to understand that the whole point of you collecting everything in the game is so that you can say, “Yes, I did everything in this game.” Nothing more, nothing less. Once you understand this, the game is yours to make or break.

And that’s pretty much all I can say about Super Mario Galaxy 2. Any further Grandmaster questions can be directed to the comments where I will get back to you as soon as possible with an answer. Good luck and Godspeed young Mario star travelers.

Changes were in store for my beloved series. Would it mean the end for my love?

When last we left off, I was swooning over the storytelling prowess of Majora’s Mask and specifically, how dark the tone of the game placed the series. My hopes for a new Zelda game were high and I was eager to hear what would happen next. Before a real console sequel though, we’d be getting a little handheld detour first.

Oracle of Ages (2001):

If this looks a lot like Link's Awakening, that's because it looks a lot like Link's Awakening.

Nintendo Power did its usual thing of hyping me up for the new Zelda games, but this time things were different. Oracle of Ages was for the Game Boy Color, but it wasn’t being released all alone. It was one of two Zelda games released at the same time, so I was skeptical as to the true intentions of this noble little game. I still went out and rented Oracle of Ages, an odd thing to think about since renting Game Boy Color games was extremely rare. Anyway, I rented the game and played it, not thinking too much one way or another. This was another one of those cases where I needed to return once I was a little older and a little wiser. Sure enough, upon closer inspection I found Oracle of Ages to be an excellent game that specialized in the puzzles Zelda games are known for. But wait, there’s more.

Oracle of Seasons (2001):

Is there any wonder why I loved these two games?

Oracle of Seasons was released at the same time as Oracle of Ages, and while they had different core stories and different styles with Ages being more puzzle-oriented and Seasons much more about the action, it was the effect gained from playing them back-to-back that added an extra oomph to the experience. The reason being is that once you played one game, didn’t matter which first, you’d get a code to input in the other game when you started a new file. You’d get to begin the game with an extra heart and characters would reference your exploits from the other game, making the world feel more complete. Even better, these characters would give you a new code to input in the first game, unlocking new weapons and upgrades and such that could then be unlocked in the other game. And after beating the second game, you’d get the chance to fight with Ganon once more, tying things together so nicely. I was really amazed with how cool the whole package felt. Do not buy just one of these if you choose to play them. It’s required that you play both.

The GameCube is Announced:

But all was not well in Hyrule and lands beyond. A great schism was approaching. Nintendo had announced the GameCube and with it showed a now infamous tech demo that’d lead fans astray. The culprit? This image:

If you were a Zelda fan, this got you so jazzed it hurt.

The assumption was that this and a few other images shown in Nintendo Power were actual footage from a new Legend of Zelda game being developed for the GameCube. And why wouldn’t we believe that? It only made sense, plus it looked so much like Ocarina of Time but with better graphics. Except something was wrong. After seeing these images, Nintendo wouldn’t say anything for what seemed like a year until finally we got a look at the new Zelda title on the GameCube. And that’s when fans got mad.

Wind Waker (2002):

Goodbye Zelda series you knew and loved. Hope you like cartoons and sailing.

It is important to note that my opinion of The Wind Waker is this: It is an extremely great game, just a very bad Zelda game. I, like many other Zelda fans, believed the images previously seen in Nintendo Power were what to expect from the new Zelda title, so when a year later we see the equivalent of a cartoon penis pretending to be Link, we were miffed. And no, this wasn’t all fans, and even some fans that were miffed eventually didn’t have a problem, but the general feeling was that Nintendo had betrayed us somehow, regardless of their intent.

Despite any negative feelings due to a misunderstanding, The Wind Waker is a really great game. The art style is pretty darn cool and the controls are spot-on. But the tone doesn’t feel like a Zelda game. Sure, there are races from previous Zelda titles and landmarks mentioned, but overall it just didn’t feel that much like the games I grew up with. It just felt…foreign. And foreign isn’t a bad thing necessarily, unless of course I just wanted a true follow-up to Majora’s Mask with the same sort of mature themes done tastefully. This new cartoon style only pointed me to believe that the dark, sad atmosphere I had been touched by in Majora’s Mask would be replaced by this vibrant color scheme, as if to wash over any real emotion that could potentially occur. The cartoon-style Zelda games would continue to be decent, but they’d never come close to the expectations fans asked for Majora’s Mask’s sequel.

Four Swords Adventures (2004):

I assure you, it's a fun game, just yet another bad Zelda game.

And then something really odd happened. Four Swords Adventures was released on the GameCube to an audience that was mostly unaware (read: indifferent) to its appearance. I for one couldn’t muster a shred of interest when I read about it. I ended up playing it, as always, and all I could say was, “Wow, this is just Link to the Past 2.0.” Once again, it wasn’t a bad thing, per say. It was just another Zelda game that didn’t deliver where the fans were concerned. Art style, yes, it was yet another gorgeous title in the Zelda franchise, and once you got past how it broke with all Zelda conventions it was actually very enjoyable. But as I said, it just wasn’t what fans were asking for, and the multiplayer aspect that Nintendo was pushing for the title wasn’t available unless every player owned a GBA and a GBA-GameCube cable, of which I personally had the needed equipment but had no friends that did. I’d still recommend Four Swords Adventures if you want a simple, cheap game to pass the time in between larger titles.

Minish Cap (2004):

Good, the classic style gameplay. Fine, make it cartoony, just give me back my classic style gameplay.

Something had just broken inside me when it came to the Zelda series. My favorite games were still holding up, but the new releases were failing to stir any desire to fork over the money immediately and buy the next game. Minish Cap was one such example. Oh sure, when I finally played it I found that it was amazing, just as the rest of the Zelda games, but sadly the art style reminded me of Wind Waker. I’m not a snob, I assure you, but that art style doesn’t invoke joy from me. To me, the Wind Waker art style represents a movement away from anything serious within the series, meaning that ultimately the game is the adventure-genre equivalent of a Mario title, by which I mean the ultimate thing at stake is the same over and over again. Princess Zelda has been kidnapped and Link must go through a number of dungeons to get her back. No surprises, no real thrills. Great gameplay and dungeon design, but it feels like empty calories. I don’t feel as if the narrative if progressing towards bettering me as a Zelda gamer or rewarding me for continuing on in the series. All the older titles did, but now something feels like it’s missing. I needed more than trading Kinstones to keep me interested anymore. Would Nintendo ever satisfy fans like me anymore?

Twilight Princess (2006):

The Hero had returned at last.

Things were bleak in my eyes, and then the miracle that is Twilight Princess was announced. Suddenly I was more excited for a video game than I’ve ever been. That pure rush of excitement hit me and I was ready to experience a new Zelda title in the vein of my favorites. But a trailer wouldn’t be enough to satisfy. I’d watch it over and over, waiting for my game, MY game, to finally come out. But therein slept yet another problem.

Twilight Princess would be pushed back again and again until finally it became a launch title for the Wii as well as a GameCube game. I was confused about that, but I was already buying a Wii, so Twilight Princess was a no-brainer for a launch title. It’s still the version I recommend. And Twilight Princess is really recommended. The tone was darker without being overly serious, the story was pretty cool, and all the new elements were excellently added, such as the motion controls. I felt like a very powerful character once I had the bow in my hand, aiming with pinpoint accuracy. This was the game I’d been waiting for, no question. But in my ravenous greed for a new Zelda title I devoured it too quickly, beating the majority of the game (minus some tedious side-quests) in a little over 20 hours. I could only speculate where the series would go from here.

Phantom Hourglass (2007):

Crap, I spoke too soon. We're on a damned boat again.

And then the cartoon style of Zelda came back with a vengeance just to spite me. Phourglass appeared and as soon as I heard it was a DS title I was happy. I thought it would be like the older Zelda titles I enjoyed such as Link’s Awakening or Oracle of Ages. Then I heard you’d use the stylus to control, exclusively. That made me beyond sad. I don’t mind touch controls when they work, but I didn’t see any need to change basic movement and sword swinging from the tried and true D-pad/A button combo. It didn’t matter, I would still play Phourglass, and so I did.

Following directly after The Wind Waker, Phourglass had Link and Tetra/Zelda on an adventure that felt entirely unnecessary. A ghost ship appears and separates the two. Link must go find her through a series of dungeon-related events, accessible via boating. As I mentioned before, this just felt like empty calories. It didn’t feel like the series progressed anywhere but rather decided to fall into a rut. Repetitive gameplay, dull story and setting, and the first Zelda title not to add a single new weapon/item. Seriously, bow, boomerang, bombs? We’ve seen those before! Twilight Princess gave us things like the Spinner, the Ball and Chain, and the Double Claw Shots, but Phourglass couldn’t think of anything. How sad. I was painfully happy when Link saved Tetra in the end and the credits rolled, because it meant I never had to play this one again.

Spirit Tracks (2009):

If the characters in the artwork look like they don't care, that should be a pretty clear indication, shouldn't it?

Silly me, I had to play Phourglass again, except it was called Spirit Tracks this time. You’ve read my review detailing my numerous frustrations with Spirit Tracks, so there isn’t much more to say about this title. When it was first announced it seemed like it had to be a joke. Link on a train? Was there really nothing left to do with the Hero of Legend? At least it added new weapons/tools whereas Phourglass hadn’t, but these new items included the usual variety of bombs, bows, boomerangs, and the obligatory “odd” item, the pinwheel, an item I loathed because it required I used the microphone. Blowing into the DS microphone is NOT enjoyable in any game I’ve yet played. Even worse, the final boss fight felt nearly impossible due to the awful touch screen sword mechanics. I’ve never cursed so much while playing a Zelda game, a very bad sign. All Zelda fans could do was look to the future and hope, knowing that Nintendo had promised a new Wii Zelda sometime. But when would we know more?

Skyward Sword (2011?):

I'm ready for this game to knock my shorts off. It's got a lot to live up to.

This year’s E3 showed us our first true look at Skyward Sword, the official name of the new Zelda title for the Wii. It’s not out yet (obviously), but Nintendo has claimed it should be out around 2011. I’ll believe it when I see it happen, but the sooner the better. The last “good” Zelda game was in late 2006, so I’m ready for something new and something now.

Skyward Sword has a slew of screenshots, plus some gameplay footage and an excellent trailer showing off what we can expect. And what stands out the most? The art style. It looks very much like Twilight Princess but with a cell-shaded sheen, almost a hybrid between Twilight Princess and The Wind Waker. Naturally, this worries me. Has the precedence been set to ease the series once more toward the cartoony style? To me, this means a movement away from a deeper Zelda experience and a push toward more empty calories. The console Zelda games have always been excellent in one form or another, each very different from the last, but the cartoony-style Zelda games have a very repetitive feel to them. What also scares me is the decision of Skyward Sword to use motion controls for every action now, similar to how stylus control was forced work for the DS titles. Is the Zelda series officially dead to me? We’ll have to wait and see.

So what comes next? Where will the series take us in the future? Nintendo seems pretty keen on remaking Ocarina of Time for the 3DS, but that’s just a remake, nothing new. Will we ever hear Link truly speak? Will Ganondorf stay trapped or dead? I’m hopeful for what comes next, but how about you? Do you still love the Zelda series no matter what it does next? Or are too jaded at this point to care? I’m done with all my memories so now it’s your turn to pontificate about one of gaming’s oldest and dearest franchises. In the meantime I’ll just sit here and pray to Din, Nayru and Farore that Skyward Sword is awesome.

Need more retrospectives? Take a look at these:

-Mario: A Retrospctive

-Rare: A Retrospective

-Go Green Machine! A Ninja Turtle Video Game Retrospective

Are you ready to hear some memories of the greatest story ever told? Too bad, 'cause here I go!

If there’s any series I love more than Mario, it’s the Legend of Zelda. I’ve been a fan for years now and I’m guaranteed to play each new title as it comes out, regardless of my preference for the art style or any other factors. I just have to play me some Zelda. Well, as predicted, Nintendo showed off the new Zelda title at E3 this year, the Skyward Sword, and I’m pretty excited. So much so that I decided to give my own little Zelda retrospective. So here it is, grab your magic bags and Master Swords and let’s take a trip to Hyrule.

The Legend of Zelda (1986):

It looks so simple these days, doesn't it?

The very first Legend of Zelda game for the NES was a game-changer in terms of how a video game should be played. The world map was huge for its time and the puzzles were complex. You were forced to think and try different solutions in order to advance. I, however, didn’t play this as a kid. I played this much, much later once I had the Zelda Collector’s Edition for the GameCube, and would you like to know my final death count? 187. That’s pathetic. I know I’m better than that, but even worse, there’s no way I can understand how anyone was able to beat this game prior to the internet having world maps and walkthroughs because some things you’re expected to know are stupidly difficult to solve. Still, the music was excellent and had a special power over me. Without realizing it I’d start singing along with actual lyrics whenever I played, but as soon as the game turned off I couldn’t remember the lyrics I’d been singing. It’s a secret to everybody.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1987):

Honestly, I think this was better than the first game.

After the success of the first Zelda title, a sequel was insured, but Miyamoto did what he always seems to do and decided to change the formula completely. Now, instead of a top-down view, Link was placed in a side-scrolling action platformer. Fans were not happy with this one and many consider it the worst game of the series. I, conversely, loved it. This was another one that I first played when I got that awesome Collector’s Edition for the ‘Cube, but when I bought it for the NES I replayed it just because I loved it. Granted, the difficulty spikes near the end, asking players to go through some of the most unreasonable gameplay in any game, especially a Zelda title. I highly recommend this one, especially if you’re not a fan of most Zelda titles.

The Animated Series (1989):

No Link, I will not excuse you. Not now and not ever.

While not a game, The Super Mario Bros Super Show began running animated episodes of The Legend of Zelda every Friday. As expected, the show itself had very little in common with the actual games. For one, Link spoke, and all the time, mostly with horrendous dialogue. Also, he was right-handed, in stark contrast to a running theme in the game series that Link was always left-handed. I could conceivably get past these problems, if not for the main one: The animated series didn’t understand how a Triforce worked. The opening cinematic says that Zelda keeps the Triforce of Wisdom safe and that Ganon has the Triforce of Power. That’s fine, but then Zelda says “If Ganon gets both the Triforce of Wisdom and the Triforce of Power he’ll be unstoppable!” They do realize that a Triforce by nature has THREE pieces, right? What was just described was a Biforce. Utter failure. And every episode, of which there were thankfully only 13, Link said his catchphrase “Well excuuuuuse me princess.” Ugh, makes me shudder just remembering. I don’t even know why they bothered putting this on DVD, or for that reason, why I bothered to purchase it and then watch it in full. Shame on me I suppose.

A Link to the Past (1991):

And then Nintendo reminded everyone that they still knew how to make a damn good Zelda game.

Zelda fans were really itching to get a new game in the style of the first by the early 90’s. Those prayers were answered with gusto once the SNES rolled around and A Link to the Past appeared in the style of the first game. Every single ounce of this game was polished to near perfection. The story was elaborated and fleshed out a bit, Link was given an arsenal of unique weapons and tools to progress, and the game was HUGE. After collecting the three mystical gems I figured the game was pretty much over, but then it sent me to the Dark World and told me there were eight more dungeons to explore. Epic! Sadly, my first memory of this game comes from when I borrowed it from a friend but the cartridge’s battery was dying, so when I turned it on one day all games had been erased, of which he had one at 100% in end game. He didn’t forgive me for quite some time after that, as if it was my fault the game was old.

Link’s Awakening (1993):

I'll never forget Koholint Island, even if it isn't real.

The first Zelda game I ever played, Link’s Awakening is still one of my favorite games of all time, at least in the top 10. It was the first game I got with my Game Boy one year during my birthday, and I was completely clueless how to play a Zelda game. I managed to get to the Bottle Grotto, the second dungeon, but I couldn’t figure out how to proceed any further. I was stuck, and nothing could help me, so I gave up for a few years. Eventually I went back to the game a little older and little wiser, but I still couldn’t get past the second dungeon. And then I accidentally pushed a block and triggered a secret staircase. That block also triggered something in my brain and unlocked a portion known as the “Zelda Mindset” used for all Zelda games or Zelda-like games. Since then I’ve had no problem in a Zelda game save for a few anomalies.

On a side note, this game also gave me my #1 most hilarious Zelda moment where Link speaks with Marin, the girl who found him washed up on he beach, and asks her to come help him with something midway through the game. When she agrees, Link “gets” her just like any other item, causing him to hold her above his head and look up her dress. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw it happen. Beyond that, I still cry when I hear the ending theme play.

Zelda CD-i (1993):

This is really an image from the game. Isn't that just sad?

These are not Zelda games. Nintendo has even stated that these are not Zelda games. But still, there are three games, The Wand of Gamelon, The Faces of Evil, and Zelda’s Adventure, that contain Link, Zelda, and Ganon. I have not played any of the three, but I’ve seen extensive gameplay footage of people who have, and there’s no reason to punish yourself. However, I’ve claimed to Other Chris that if he finds me a CD-i and one of the Zelda games for it, I promise to play it to completion no matter what. Thankfully he has not yet acquired the needed materials to torture me properly. So to be clear, you can skip these three because they do NOT count. So let’s move on to my favorite game of all time instead.

Ocarina of Time (1998):

And then Nintendo reminded everyone they still knew how to make a damn good Zelda game...again.

As I said, Ocarina of Time is my favorite game of all time. It was my first Games You Should Have Played article and reappeared over and over and over again in one form or another in my various writings. It’s bound to show up again at some point, all because it really is an excellent game.

The tricky thing is, before Ocarina of time there wasn’t really a question of Zelda continuity, at least not for me anyway. The Legend of Zelda went directly into The Adventure of Link, and A Link to the Past had that same Link shipwrecked in Link’s Awakening. But with Ocarina of Time we were hearing what sounded like a complete origin story to everything. We learned where the Triforce came from and how Ganondorf started down the path of evil, plus we saw the world for the first time with 3D graphics, making it all the more impressive and real. But it was clear that the story wasn’t yet over. Navi, while annoying, flew away at the end of the game in a sad moment that I couldn’t help feeling sick about. My real question was: Would Link ever find Navi again?

Majora’s Mask (2000):

How do you follow up the best-reviewed game ever? Like this.

That’s when Majora’s Mask came along. It was a direct sequel to Ocarina of Time, so a lot was expected from it. The premise mentioned that Link was searching for a lost friend, presumably Navi (who else would he be looking for?), and then he gets jumped by the Skull Kid and thrown into the alternate world of Termina where the moon is falling. When I first played Majora’s Mask I enjoyed it, but I was sad that Link wasn’t still an adult. Plus, putting the whole game on a constantly resetting timer was jarring, but eventually you get used to it. It was certainly harder than Ocarina of Time for all the right reasons, but what stood out to me most then and especially now was the story. Majora’s Mask had the best story of any Zelda game and I’d argue still does.

See, Majora’s Mask is incredibly dark. The whole game deals with death and passing on. From the very start you realize that this game’s tone is way darker than any previous Zelda title, but it only gets darker. The big indicator is the means for how Link acquires new masks. There are three main masks he changes between: The Deku Mask, the Goron Mask, and the Zora Mask. When Link places these masks on his face he transforms in a short cutscene that shows him in agony (you can’t deny it), and later you learn that the Goron Mask was made because Daruni, the Goron chief, has died and given his power to you. Next, you find a dying Zora washed up on the beach and ease his pain, allowing him to die and leave you the Zora Mask.

What seems to get missed is that the Deku Mask must also contain the spirit of someone who died. In the first few minutes you’re transformed into a Deku Scrub and while learning the basics of the controls, you stumble upon a short tree that Tatl remarks looks just like you. A bit later, the Deku Butler helps you because you remind him of his son whom he hasn’t seen in quite some time. If you haven’t pieced this together, the ending cutscene shows the Deku Butler on his hands and knees in front of the Deku tree you see at the beginning of the game. That’s beyond dark. That’s intensely macabre, and I applaud the Zelda series for being that mature in story without having to be mature in violence or sex. Unfortunately, this would set a precedence that would cause problems in the series within just a few short years.

Also, I liked Tingle. I thought he was hilarious. Screw everyone that disagrees.

I’ll end part 1 of the Zelda Retrospective here to let you stew over Majora’s Mask’s darker tones. It will be the last time the series manages to rise to a level above most other games, and while my favorite is still Ocarina of Time, I maintain that Majora’s Mask is the best game of the series. But don’t forget to come back tomorrow for the second half where I explain why a bunch of Zelda fans jumped ship, literally, and how some of them came back.

Want more Zelda? Check out these articles:

-Zelda: A Retrospective Part 2

-Let’s Think Deep: The Virtual Utopia

-The Top Ten Best Zelda Items

Reggie, I love you, but even you're guilty of some things on this list.

E3 is that big magical event that happens in the gaming industry every year around June and this year it happens to occur on the 15th through 17th. Big games are announced, new hardware is revealed, and a whole lot of stuff that blows our minds hits us like a nuke. But guess what? I hate E3. Every year I get more and more annoyed whenever it comes around. Why? Part of it may be because I’m not there, but more than that it has to do with the Top 10 Things About E3 I’m Sick Off, such as…

10. Games We’re Expecting Don’t Show:

"Can't let you do that Star Fox." "Do what?" "Release a new game, apparently."

If you’re a diehard fan of a series that has a rather large fanbase and E3 comes around, you have some expectations for what you’d like to see. So when the convention comes and goes and something you’ve been waiting for, such as, oh, let’s say a new Star Fox game, ISN’T mentioned at all, things can get frustrating. Especially if this happens year after year. Even worse is when they show a game from your series, but it turns out to be anything but the game you really wanted. New Donkey Kong title? Nope, it’s probably just a Wii-gimmick game with Donkey Kong on the cover. Sad day. But even worse…

9. Games We Don’t Care About Appear:

And then female gamers wonder why male gamers are surprised they stuck around.

It can add insult to injury when Killer Instinct has eluded us again, for reasons that can only be “We didn’t feel it was financially the right time,” but we instead see a lineup of games that exist purely for ignorant parents to purchase for birthdays and Christmas. Yes, I realize that E3 is a trade show and sometimes they’re going to show games that all gamers aren’t going to care about, but when the companies make such a big deal about these titles and even go so far as to throw support behind them, placing them in the same reels showcasing the obviously good games already announced, then it gets annoying. But what could be more frustrating?

8. Endless Gameplay Footage:

After seeing enough footage and coverage and developer diaries for one game, I'm pretty much ready to let Kratos Apollo my head right off.

When I’ve heard about a game I want, that’s all I really need. Just give me a trailer and leave it at that. Mario’s back? Sweet. Oh what? Some website’s scored actual footage of the title from the trade floor? I don’t care. Perhaps this isn’t necessarily E3’s fault so much as gaming websites dumping any little bit of footage from the game onto their frontpage as soon as they get their capture dealies into the AV hook up. A little subtlety never hurt anyone. Don’t show us the opening cinematic of the game, even if we’ve been waiting for years. Just leave SOME things up for our imagination. However…

7. Teaser Trailers:

"Guys, sorry, I kinda need to jet. I just wanted to say hey."

Sometimes, we need a little bit more than nothing. If all you have to offer is a blank trailer with the words “The new game is coming” on the screen, that wasn’t worth seeing. Sometimes you don’t even see a full trailer for the game, but just a few seconds in a highlight reel of games the company says they’re making, maybe. Take Golden Sun on the DS. I’d sure like to know more about that one. How much do we know? Pretty much nothing. This year we’re supposed to hear about the new Zelda title for the Wii, but last year all we were given was a hushed mention and a single promotional image to pine over. Speaking of which…

6. Over-Analysis of Everything:

Video games are supposed to be made for entertainment purposes. Just shut up and enjoy them!

This is another problem with E3 that falls on the gaming sites to perpetuate and annoy me with. When a new trailer or gameplay footage or anything comes out, everyone goes nuts in an attempt to figure out the most minute of detail from a 30-second clip that essentially shows nothing. And of course game companies love this sort of over-analysis for their product because they don’t have to spend any more money on advertising. They just sit back smiling as people approach them with possible solutions to the puzzle and all they do is look coy and say, “Oh, you’ll see.” Now that you mention these important people…

5. Big Names Speaking:

I want to play a game where I raise Molyneux from a fetus to an E3 announcement, just so I can make the moral decision not to let him get on stage.

I can’t listen to Peter Molyneux say anything anymore. No, I don’t think his games are bad or anything, I just can’t listen to him, like most other big names in games, masturbate on camera for the internet crowd by saying his game is awesome, revolutionary, the next step, or all sorts of other crap that won’t be nearly as impressive if he just said, “Hey, we made a game and it’s pretty good.” Hideo Kojima seems to take the stage every year to say something about his new Metal Gear game and “surprise” everyone with the new features and what it could mean. He even went to far as announce his new Metal Gear game at Microsoft’s press conference, making it a possible Xbox exclusive, or so we thought…

4. “Exclusives” Announced:

Remember when this was the best game on the GameCube? Capcom apparently forgot really quick.

There is no such thing as an exclusive title in video games unless the title has been made clearly for the system’s company in question. All Mario games will be exclusive to the Wii and DS, much like all Ratchet and Clank games will be exclusive to the PS3. But everything else made by companies that generally make games for every console will inevitably be released on, surprise, all consoles. This is just a means for those big names in the industry to have something nifty to say at their press conference. Usually these exclusives tend to be exclusive for maybe a year, if even that, before they’re released to the other systems, or quietly mentioned to be a “timed-exclusive,” which ultimately means nothing to someone that buys their games used way after the fact, such as myself. But maybe these announcements aren’t aimed at me, such as…

3. Booth Babes:

"Video games? Ew, no, those are so gross. Just look at my rack and stop asking me questions."

I’m not a feminist or anything, but booth babes infuriate me on a basic level. Why? I don’t like being lied to in any manner. How does this relate to booth babes? Booth babes are placed in companies’ booths in order to draw the crowd to them and promote their games, purely by showing attractive women in chest-popping clothing. The implication is that either these women are just display pieces (which is also bad), or that they have a real connection to the games they’re posing for, and I know that’s not true. It’s the same reason I don’t go to Hooters since I know the waitress flirting with me is only doing so in order to make me give her a better tip. I can’t stand this amount of fakeness thrown in my face, and the degree that booth babes are more or less worshipped at E3, getting articles on gaming sites devoted to them, is sickening. But then again, you can’t have people ogling women without people, so maybe the problem is more closely tied to…

2. Fanboyism:

I hate all the systems for one reason or another by the way.

The fans of the show, or more specifically, the fans of their companies. You can’t utter a comment on a game website about how you like the PS3 without someone else telling them the 360 is better. You can’t mention how you love Smash Bros without someone slamming you over the head with how bad the multiplayer is and how much better it would be online on one of the other two consoles. Every new game for “your” company is looked down on by the elite fanboys of the other systems and vice versa. I’ve never hidden my love of Nintendo, but sometimes I acknowledge that they make some really strange decisions, such as renaming the Revolution the Wii or purposefully not releasing an HD Wii forever. I buy every first-party Nintendo game usually on Day One. However, I play games on my 360 more often because I’m catching up with games I missed, and I don’t play the PS3 much only because I don’t have enough money to buy one myself. None of this matters if I make a comment on Nintendo’s press conference and say, “Man, I really liked their showing this year, I think I’m most excited about what they’re gonna offer,” because someone else will inevitably come back at me with “facts” regarding how their company of choice is better and nothing you say will change their mind, possibly because their company said this next year was…

1. “The Year of the Blank”:

Oh hey, right, that PSP thing was supposed to be really great. How'd that turn out?

This is the single most annoying aspect of E3 or any other press conference held by game companies. Someone important to the company steps up on stage and proclaims at some time or another, “This is the year of our system,” or some variation of this. Sony, we all know this has been your defining fault for a while now. Every year Sony decides that “This is the year of the PS3,” and what happens? It sells okay and the games do well, but it ultimately turns out to be just another year. But that’s the thing about game companies: They talk a lot of @#%&. You can look up quotes from pretty much every company and find something really good that makes them sound stupid and, more often than not, hypocritical. Sony and Microsoft both seemed to hate on the Wiimote, but now they’re releasing their own motion-controls. Nintendo said that gamers didn’t care about online support, but then they released a console that had wi-fi built in. No one is innocent from this, and part of it is just the nature of the convention. They are required to get on stage and assure their investors that they have things completely in control. I get that from a business standpoint. But the conference, ultimately, becomes a spectacle that gobbles the internet and gaming community whole for the better part of a month, both before and after, so when someone makes a bold claim, they really need to have some humility when that doesn’t turn out to be true.

Arg, I think I’m done griping about E3 for now. I won’t be able to escape it completely for the next month, but I can at least show my distain here on a small-time website. What about you? What bothers you about E3 every year? Or do you completely disagree with my list? Do you think booth babes are the greatest thing ever to grace the gaming world? Or that every year really is the Year of the PS3? Let me know with a comment. How else will the world know which company you align with?

The Old West made new again.

I rarely buy games until I’ve heard plenty of good buzz about them (namely from Chris Pranger). Not only did I buy Red Dead Redemption blindly, I picked it up on opening day. The word “juggernaut” is appropriate, as apparently 550,000 other folks put their cash down that same day. But this game has a high level of detractors; the first game in the series was mediocre, the mechanics of this one look a lot like Grand Theft Auto IV, and certainly nothing could drag game fanatics away from Modern Warfare 2, right?

You guessed wrong, friend. This here is a dandy game, and I’ll bet my spurs that 9 out of 10 adult gamers would agree.

Story- 9 out of 10

I must separate my standards for a good plot and good characters. There’s a mighty big difference between a fantastic plot (period) and a fantastic plot for a game. Red Dead Redemption’s plot and characters are quite garden variety for any Western adventure, and essentially it boils down to this: badass goes looking for jerk-wads, finds lots of odd jobs along the way.

Sounds like the usual Rockstar sandbox game, correct? Well, yeah. It pretty much is. But the praise I have for this game is less about the events depicted…and more about the mind-blowing story structure. Usually in a game, you start with easy jobs, learning the controls and features through ham-fisted tutorials (some annoying sidekick character can always be found screeching irate advice at you). Then you get the usual, medium-difficulty stuff that makes up the bulk of the game. Then you get the big, multi-tiered battle royale finale that sees you mowing down an impossible amount of baddies, expertly wielding the controls and collecting every item available.

And hey look at that, you have gun duels. Good on ya for that.

Red Dead Redemption tells this structure to go hang itself. I won’t ruin anything, but I’ll say this: You feel like a Western hero immediately, and there isn’t really a “work-your-way-up” structure. This is absolute gold for the experienced gamer, who is undoubtedly sick of being told what to do by some pixilated yahoo. Oh, and the last act of the game is genius storytelling, but DO NOT LET ANYONE RUIN IT FOR YOU.

The characters are pretty paper-thin Western tripe, including John Marston, who you play as. Marston is an ex-outlaw who wants a peaceful farming life with his family, but first he has to tie up some loose ends from his sordid past. Sound familiar? Along the way, he meets the quintessential strong female rancher, the maniac treasure hunters, drunken thieves, and burnt-out old heroes with no one left to save. They have plenty of good stories and quips to share, but we’ve heard most of it before.

The dialogue is predictable throughout most of the game, but it never gets cartoonish with the Old West vibe. You may tire of Marston calling everyone (including dead animals) “friend” or “mister.” The real gold in writing comes from reactions. Many times during play, I growled something at the screen, annoyed by my rotten luck. Then, Marston agreed with me by grunting, “To hell with this.” When Marston gets double-crossed (a frequent occurrence), he reacts the same way that the frustrated gamer would: He’s incredibly cheesed off, and ready to shoot something. Such double-crosses and traps are so painfully predictable that they belong on the Schrodinger’s Cat list of video game moments. Also, when Marston discovers something horrifying out on the lone prairie, he becomes unnerved, and a little suspicious of his surroundings. You do feel for this protagonist more than most video game characters, because he (like you) hates certain characters and likes others.

Gameplay- 9 out of 10

Here’s some hyperbole for you: in this game, you can do anything. Play the main storyline missions, those are engaging. But do everything and anything else; you can help strangers with their small tasks, attack gang hideouts singlehandedly, break wild horses, go hunting for any species, and gamble on card/dice/knife games. You can even herd cattle or hunt bounties. The possibilities seem endless.

While the options are stunning and fun, there are mechanical problems with some things. For instance, the cover system during gunfights is a little jumpy. One wrong twitch of the left stick and you get stuck (with your head exposed, for added frustration). On top of that, the horse controls are slightly inconsistent or hard to control, depending on the class of horse.

But hey, horses are tough to control in the real world, too, so consider that.

As far as the minigames, some are beyond addictive. If there was a portable version of the poker minigame, I’d buy it for thirty bucks…especially after finding the Elegant Suit, which allows you to cheat (don’t worry, boyscouts, I’m pretty sure those lily-livered punks are cheating too). Liar’s Dice is fun and easy, horseshoes takes some getting used to, and arm-wrestling is flawed. The game tells you to pay attention to your opponent’s face to see when you should strike. This is useless. The real frustration comes with Five Finger Fillet. Anyone who has seen the movie “Aliens” knows this one. You stab a combat knife in between your fingers to a specified pattern, like a bloody DDR between greasy cowboys.

A real delight for me comes with collectables. I squealed like a little girl every time I got a new, cool outfit like the Mexican Poncho, Brown Leather Duster Coat, or the U.S. Army Uniform. Collecting animal pelts, exotic flowers, and buried treasure is enough for a full-length game in itself.

Graphics/Sound- 10 out of 10

The landscape is jaw-dropping. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in a game. An HDTV really makes a difference. The characters are about on-par with any other modern game in terms of voice-acting and modeling. So far, there have been many visual bugs in Red Dead, including ghosting of character models in cut-scenes. Boy, it does ruin the mood when a character is implored to escape on horseback (and they obey) and at the same time they stand in the background repeating a minute movement.

A beautiful, if gruesome touch, is that you can shoot animals and people, and they fall in logical, anatomically correct ways. Then they crawl or limp away. This is the fabled Euphoria engine that was created for Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, but here it actually makes a difference.

Just take it all in for a moment or two. Then get back to outlawin'.

As for sound effects, every firearm discharge sounded powerful and accurate, which was welcome. The animals each make different noises, most of which are appropriate for the species (some exceptions do apply here). Nothing is more unnerving than a long gunfight, followed by the tell-tale hiss of a hidden rattlesnake. The sound is a huge aspect of the game, and without a good ear for danger, you’re a dead man.

Some Frequently Muttered Judgments

Is it Grand Theft Auto in the Old West? Meh, not exactly. That’s an over-simplified view of this game. It borrows from GTA IV heavily, including the Havoc engine’s brand of third-person shooting. While I had trouble with GTA IV’s aiming system, Rockstar found a decent fix with Dead Eye. The cover system from GTA IV was very underdeveloped, and unfortunately the same problems found their way to RDR. And as far as the choices you can make as the protagonist, in both games it seems like a moot feature, as your choices do not affect much.

The great step forward from GTA IV is that RDR demonstrates a truly unforgiving landscape that you can play in. GTA IV, despite being so alive with activity, seems claustrophobic and unnaturally safe for a crime-rampant city of psychos. The renderings of the American Southwest and Mexican border towns in RDR contain hundreds of characters and thousands of animals, and they don’t value your life. You do have to rely on your wits and your tools to survive some encounters, but like any frontiersman, you learn from your pitfalls.

Conclusion

All in all, I had so much fun with this game, and it goes down as my favorite of the year so far. I give it 9.5 out of 10, because it isn’t perfect but it is raising the bar. It is rated M for Mature, so don’t buy this for kids. Buy it for yourself. Instead of following me on Twitter, find me on Xbox Live in a Free Roam session. Gamertag: KR Martinak. I’ll be the idiot riding a donkey, asking politely that you not kill me.

Don't fret Crash, it can't be THAT tough, can it?

Make sure to read part 1 before reading part 2 today!

Crash Bandicoot 2 Cortex Strikes Back (1997):

Hey… I started with a Star Wars reference for a reason.

I have to come clean with you all. This was actually the first Crash game I played as a kid. When I went back and played the first one, it made me appreciate it even more. Yes, the title may not be that original, but that’s a small price to pay for a sequel that improves off the original in every imaginable way possible, while still keeping what made the first one fun. In the first game, Crash could run, jump, spin, and in one instance ride a warthog. In Cortex Strikes Back, Crash can run, jump, spin, crawl, slide, super jump, body slam, occasionally ride his pet Polar, a sea doo, and a freaking jetpack. Not only that, everything improved. The music was new, but still just as charming as before. The developers were now more comfortable with the animation software, and Crash and all the old and new characters were looking better than ever. There was now professional voice acting too, including Clancy Brown as Dr. Neo Cortex. Some of you might recognize Clancy Brown as the voice of Lex Luthor in the Superman Animated Series, or more recently, Hades from God of War 3, whom even Mr. Pranger will admit was awesome. (Note from Chris Pranger: “Awesome but totally a rental title.”)

Fortunately, the plot this time around wasn’t “Tawna gets kidnapped again.” In fact, Naugthydog axed the character entirely, stating that she left Crash to be with Pinstripe (figures), and then replaced her with another female bandicoot that was actually interesting: Crash’s little genius sister Coco. And no, she does not get kidnapped either. Instead, it shows us Cortex immediately after his crushing defeat in the first game, where he “crash” and burns into a mine containing a power crystal. After a year of research with his new assistant Dr. N. Gin (who has an unexploded missile lodged in his head, just thought I’d throw that out there), Cortex discovers 25 remaining crystals still on Earth are needed to fully power his space station, the Cortex Vortex. So he teleports Crash inside a warp room and tells him that he has changed his ways and needs Crash to find the crystals so he can save the world.

Even though it’s obvious you’re lying to me, I just can’t help it. Your game is too much fun. Besides, I’ll still kick your butt in the end.

The game also added the extra challenge of trying to find all forty-two Gems for N. Brio., who wants revenge against Cortex for replacing him after his failures in the first game. I’d say it’s up there with trying to find every last DK token in Diddy Kong’s Quest. Even I haven’t got 100% on this game yet. But once you do, I bet N. Brio gives you a hundred lives.

Just kidding. He needs them to power a laser beam to blow the Cortex Vortex to smithereens. Either way, this is a must play.

Crash Bandicoot Warped (1998):

And the plot thickens.

After playing the first two, you might notice Crash frequently had an ally by his side, a spiritual witch doctor mask named Aku Aku who would protect him from enemies by taking a hit for him. Well, turns out Aku Aku has an evil twin, named conveniently Uka Uka, who was trapped by his brother in a spiritual temple to protect the world. When N. Brio shot down the Cortex Vortex at the end of Cortex Strikes Back, the shattered pieces of the ship plummeted down from the sky and crashed directly into the temple, releasing Uka Uka from his prison. After scolding Cortex for failing him twice now, the evil spirit then summons the master of time, Dr. Nefarious Tropy (that’s right, N. Tropy, what you gonna do) to create a time machine to find Crystals lost in time.

Crash Bandicoot Warped plays a lot like the last game. Aku Aku brings Crash and his sister Coco to the Time Twisting machine to collect the Crystals before Cortex’s minions do, and you progress through the levels accordingly. A lot of people will say that there wasn’t a whole lot that was original here, but I thought the level design was very new (for the series at least). We escaped the jungle and temple terrain from both the last two games and now moved across unique landmarks from history. Including Jurassic swamps, Egyptian temples, The Great Wall of China, Arabian Nights, some WWII action, even a stylized version of the future in which Neo Cortex rules the earth (the main city is called “Neo York.”) There’s also a new soundtrack, and yeah it’s still awesome. The voice acting and lip-syncing is the best it’s ever been. You get to play as Coco in a few levels. Oh, and did I mention Dingodile?

There is honestly nothing you could say to convince me otherwise. Here’s the math: Dingo dog + Crocodile + Flamethrower + Australian accent = The most EPIC evil minion in all of video games! EVER!

Crash Bandicoot Warped is often hailed as the highlight of the series. It was the last platformer of the franchise Naughtydog made before making an awesome cart racer Crash Team Racing, then moving on with the Jak and Daxter series on the PS2. I know graphics aren’t everything, but for what it’s worth, I cannot think of anything else on the PS1 that looked better.

Currently, all three games are available for download on the Play Station Network for $6.00 each. That’s $18.00 for three awesome titles. If you don’t want to play all of them, I say skip the first one. The sequels are just all out better games. It’s hard for me to say which one is the best though. Cortex Strikes Back feels more like classic Crash, and is also the most challenging to get 100%. Warped is easier because you get even more abilities, but it does have the most unique cast (not just Dingodile, although he is a big one-up for me!).

I say play the second one. By the end, if it doesn’t make you want to play Warped, then maybe it’s just not your thing.

Whether I have enlightened you, or simply brought up some nostalgic fever, I thank you greatly for your time. And thank you to my dear friend Chris Pranger for the opportunity to share a bit of my childhood as I am on the cusp of graduation.

G’day Mates!

Roger Gus Townson Jr.

Gus Townson also writes for his  Avatar the Last Airbender fanfic site at: http://avatarleo.wordpress.com/

Where can we see the ideal society? We need look no further than video games for that answer.

Today’s Let’s Think Deep is going to be a little different than usual. Usually I’m just writing for this site. However, the following is an essay I wrote for a class I’m taking abut Utopian literature and thought, hence why the tone is more formal. To make things simple, I’ve also included the Work Cited/Referenced page at the end, Amazon links included if you get curious.

The Virtual Utopia

To be blunt, the only viable medium that can offer the true understanding of either a utopian or dystopian society is the video game. Virtual worlds such as those found in video games provide not only an insight into the perceived Utopian vision of society but also a completely realized Utopian world all their own. How is this possible? By means of immersing players in a story, giving players the opportunity to create utopias of their own, and by progressing society into a real-world utopia, or rather the virtual component of such.

Saying that video games have evolved since the days of Pong and Donkey Kong is putting things lightly. Video games have progressed to a stage where they’ve managed to tell elaborate stories or represent larger concepts than something as simple as “Princess gets kidnapped.” While the majority of games don’t necessarily have any inherently utopian or dystopian qualities to them, a handful stand out that seem to point toward that exact relation.

One such series that tends to show both is the Legend of Zelda series. The parallels are easily made, for instance, in the world of Termina from Majora’s Mask. In this particular society, few people live an unhappy existence caused by most factors prevalent in the real world i.e. poverty, health concerns, or serious crime. The reason for any strife in this world is a direct result of a magical force causing the moon to slowly fall onto the main town.

Granted, if you looked out your window and saw this, you are given license to freak the heck out.

The same holds true for Ocarina of Time and the land of Hyrule, the usual world seen in the Legend of Zelda series. Hyrule’s populace seems overall content with the only outliers being considered odd and therefore not part of the society, such as a teenager who feels out of place with adults. Although the multiple races of the land, the Hyrulians, Kokori, Gorons, Zora, and Gerudo, live in mostly segregated areas, they share one unified language and one unified currency, the Rupee. Oddly enough, shops all over the land consistently charge the same amount for goods as all other shops, meaning there is a certain amount of regulation placed over consumer goods apparently agreed upon across all races. This implies that no one race is ultimately favored.

Perhaps one of the most important themes the Legend of Zelda series demonstrates is the loose class system in place. Paul Brown states in his essay Hyrule’s Green and Pleasant Land: The Minish Cap as Utopian Ideal:

“Hyrule, then, is something of the Platonic ideal… there is no slavery and, as indicated by Princess Zelda’s high status, there is absolutely no ambiguity regarding sexual equality. The greatest positive departure may be Hyrule’s porous social structure. There may still be no firm movement between classes, but there is a sense of easy integration… This is reinforced by the fact that a “lowly” artisan such as Master Smith can deliver goods to the King in person.”(Brown, 168).

Brown continues on by explaining how Princess Zelda, royalty, has an established friendship with Link, a blacksmith’s apprentice, which carries all the way from childhood. Such freedom of classes to converse and share relationships (the relationship between Zelda and Link has been hinted as being mildly romantic on multiple occasions) shows that this society is functional as an example of a social utopia, similar to that seen in Looking Backward, insomuch as everyone has a job in the society, but no one has a job viewed as necessarily “above” or “below” that of anyone else. Basically, no one shows any real signs of discontent, nor is there ever any mention of someone criticizing the royal family for any reason. In fact, the only individuals who ever view the royal family with spite are those seeking to take the power for themselves, ultimately showing themselves as the villains of that particular game and therefore outsiders to the society.

A world where all races freely trade? That doesn't sound too bad.

The prime example of this character is the series’ usual Big Bad, a Gerudo man named Ganondorf (or in some cases simply Ganon). Ganondorf’s first direct encounter with the Hyrulian royal family occurs in Ocarina of Time where he attempts to overthrow the king and usurp the kingdom so that he may steal Hyrule’s greatest treasure: The Triforce, a gift from the three goddesses that created the land. Ganon is consistently the only individual to seek this treasure, an item capable of granting its owner whatever his or her heart desires, despite the common public knowledge of this item’s truthful existence. Only Ganon ever feels the need to obtain the Triforce, feeling that with this new power he will gain full control over everyone. Remember, he is the only person ever depicted in these games as ever feeling he must have the Triforce’s power. Rather odd to consider.

A Direct Link to Utopian Literature of the Past

While the Legend of Zelda allows readers to see the usual utopian society under attack and ultimately restored, another game immerses the player in a world that has gone from that of a utopia into a state of dystopia where no such hope of reversal exists. This series is BioShock, a game released in 2007 that has currently sold over 4 million copies, not including rentals or used copies sold. Those figures enough are impressive, but what stands as even more impressive is the means through which BioShock’s story is told.

More appropriately, the story of BioShock is actually the story of Andrew Ryan and his underwater city of Rapture. Where to begin the relations between BioShock and utopian literature is difficult to decide since they are so closely linked. Andrew Ryan, a character that the game’s creative director Kevin Levine has stated gets his name from Ayn Rand, is originally a Soviet citizen who fled to the US to pursue the chance to freely invent without restrictions. He eventually creates a method of manipulating water molecules in order to compress and expand them, an invention he believes would be best used to bring water to places of the world in desperate need of such. However, the US government decides Ryan’s invention would better be utilized as a weapon for military purposes. This prompts Ryan to choose a different option. As he states when you first enter Rapture:

“I am Andrew Ryan, and I’m here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? ‘No!’ says the man in Washington, ‘It belongs to the poor.’ ‘No!’ says the man in the Vatican, ‘It belongs to God.’ ‘No!’ says the man in Moscow, ‘It belongs to everyone.’ I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose…Rapture, a city where the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality, where the great would not be constrained by the small! And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city as well.” (Quoted from BioShock by xg3 of Game FAQs).

Ryan’s idea was to build a city underwater in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and only open its doors to the best the world had to offer, allowing artists and scientists full range of expression without fear of oppression. And for a time this works great. One scientist, Bridgette Tenenbaum, discovers a type of sea slug capable of generating a form of stem cells, soon dubbed “Adam,” that has amazing qualities in both the medical community as well as the supernatural community. Adam is altered further until the Eve serum is created, a substance that can be injected to alter an individual’s genetic structure allowing them to gain abilities such as telekinesis or the power to create fires by snapping their fingers. The more these serums are used, the greater the genetic distortion becomes, eventually leading to mental instability. Further complicating the morality of Adam and Eve serums, a method of extracting 20-30 times the Adam from the sea slugs is discovered, though the method requires the sea slug be implanted in the stomach of a young girl. These half-children are called Little Sisters, and while they cannot be killed, they retain very little humanity. Eventually, a method is crafted for Little Sisters to harvest Adam from deceased Adam-users, so another half-human is created in the Big Daddy, a hulking bodyguard that protects the Little Sister he’s assigned to. Both are conditioned heavily to remove any sense of a free will. Little Sisters are compelled to harvest Adam from “angels,” as they see them, and Big Daddies, which the Little Sisters refer to as “Mr. Bubbles,” will instantly attack anything that even remotely looks at their Little Sister.

Also, this greets you in the first few moments of the game as you enter Rapture.

While all of this backstory seems fairly straightforward, the history behind it all is anything but. As the player, you arrive in Rapture years after Ryan’s departure from the US, after Rapture is built, after Little Sisters and Big Daddies are created, and after the city has fallen due to a civil war broken out between Ryan’s inner circle and Splicers, a term used to describe citizens strung-out on Adam. Every bit of backstory is given to the player via recordings found throughout the game. The basic story can be completed without ever really knowing the full history of Rapture. At the beginning of his plot summary, xg3 states:

“90% of the facts stated in the account of Rapture below are taken from the things you hear, see, and experience in BioShock. 5% are taken from reliable outside sources. Ryan’s backstory was taken from an interview with Ken Levine, creative director of BioShock, on CultofRapture.com. The construction of Rapture was taken from a magazine ad someone had transcribed on some forum… Per the disclaimer above, some events (the last 5%) are implied and not directly spelled out for the player. BioShock’s story is a big puzzle. I merely put together the pieces.” (xg3 via GameFAQs).

Despite sharing much in common with books such as 1984 (Big Brother looking over everyone’s shoulder), and Brave New World (genetic engineering and extensive conditioning), the method for conveying the story is entirely different. If the player chooses to forgo exploration or listening to audio diaries, they can completely excuse themselves from the experience. If, however, they actively participate in the “puzzle,” as xg3 calls it, they are rewarded with a deeper sense of connection to the material, as well as their own understanding, to a certain extent. Whereas a book presents a world and tasks the reader with envisioning the world of the novel, a video game such as BioShock does the work of fully showing the world to them, but tasks them with completing the story and finding the inherent meaning.

Gamers Building Our Own Society

BioShock is unique in how closely it is tied to overt utopian/dystopian literature, but other games move the story aside and purely challenge the player to create the proper utopian society. Probably the best example of this is the game Sim City, a city simulator, as it’s generally referred to. In Sim City, you play the role of the mayor/city planner in charge of all executive decisions surrounding the city, starting with the most basic choices. Would you prefer to build a nuclear power plant or a coal burning plant? How close to water do you want your city? Are residential areas built next to each other or spread out? All these choices are left open to the player with no definite correct answer. The city will prosper or flounder based upon their decisions, so if the yearly taxes are low, citizens are happy, but this may cause trouble with funding for police, resulting in higher crime rates. Sim City puts the burden of ruling the perfect society on the player’s shoulders, only interjecting to give advice when a clear problem has appeared, such as fires, earthquakes, or traffic congestion.

Dang it, who put that volcano right there?!

Interestingly enough, Sim City gives the player all the needed tools to craft an ideal utopia, but it also has a menu that allows them to inflict disasters on the city, from something as simple as floods to something more devastating like a monster attack. At any given moment the player can decide to take their bulldozer and destroy the only power plant near the city, leaving the populace without power until further notice. Complete control is granted to help as well as hinder this society. The entire experience builds up to a realization that running a functioning utopia, even a simple one, is incredibly difficult.

The connection between the utopian ideal and video games is easy enough to make when looking at story and concept surrounding a particular game or series, but video games as a whole present the opportunity to not just show a fiction, but create a reality with an actual utopia, albeit a virtual one. All games tend to follow the same set of rules, the first of which is that all gamers are created equal. Though it is possible in some games to cheat, everyone by default begins at the same state of neutral at the very beginning of the game. No one can be born into a class where they begin Super Mario Bros 3 in world 6, nor will they be granted an extra life for anything more or less than exactly 100 coins. Everyone plays by the same set of rules regardless of class, gender, ethnicity, or any other number of factors.

A further example of a real (virtual) world utopia is seen in Blizzard’s Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game World of Warcraft. This MMORPG is currently the world’s most avidly played with supposedly more than 11 million subscribers worldwide. Here again is an instance where everyone is equal in his or her roles. When a player starts a new game, they choose a character they’ll play as for months at a time called their “avatar” and start, just like everyone else, at level 1. There are no exceptions. Players can choose different races, such as Elves, Humans, or Orcs, and different classes, such as Warriors or Sorcerers, but everyone is offered the same chance to succeed as everyone else. No one class is given a clear advantage and no one player is freely offered a pass to be the best. Players must work for their success equally as hard as the next player.

Utopian society in a nutshell.

This may not seem like much, but consider the real-world players of these games. It is entirely possible for a 20-year-old female in the prime of her life to play with a 50-year-old overweight male, a 16-year-old teenager in a wheelchair, and a 35-year-old mother of two, and each of them is fully capable of running about, fighting monsters and carrying out tasks for their guild’s quest, unhindered by any restrictions they’d find in the real world. This theme is touched on in the 2008 documentary Second Skin where the idea of an online community allows anyone to be capable of things they wouldn’t normally, where a boy in a wheelchair is a powerful warrior or an awkwardly shy individual is capable of talking without fear of reprisal.

World of Warcraft sets about to give players the chance to go on magical fantasy quests, but another game, loosely termed, is Second Life, more an online community than anything else, a place where essentially anything the player wants can happen. In Second Life there are no limitations and the focus isn’t on things playing out as a game but just about creating a virtual space for you to inhabit. Your avatar here is whatever you choose it to be, so it is routine to see an avatar in a tuxedo chatting with an avatar shaped like a carrot. The only thing holding the player back is their own creative limitations as anyone can program anything they choose into the game, as obscure as it may be. One user created a cannon that fired video game systems, just because he chose to. Nowhere else is the concept of a utopia capable of realization than in the realm of a video game. Nowhere else can the idea of the “no place” be realized than in a location that doesn’t physically exist.

Video games may not be a perfect society all their own quite yet, but they offer a close connection to that oft-sought ideal of the Utopian society. They provide a means to tell a story in a way no previous forms of entertainment could and assist in demonstrating the world of perfection and the world of ruin represented in many utopian/dystopian texts. They allow the player the opportunity to build and manage their own utopian societies. And finally, they stand as a place where all gamers are created equal, allowing for the virtual landscape to experience the chance at a true Utopia. This is all from just 30 years of progress in the medium. Just imagine how much closer to the perfect world the next 30 will bring us.

Work Cited

Brown, Paul. “Hyrule’s Green and Pleasant Land: The Minish Cap as Utopian Ideal.” The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy. Peru, Illinois: Open Court Publishing Company, 2008.

xg3. “BioShock: Plot Summary.” GameFAQs. Version 1.14 (07/22/09). 18 May. 2010 http://www.gamefaqs.com/xbox360/931329-bioshock/faqs/50049.

Work Referenced

Bellamy, Edward. Looking Backward. New York, New York: Dover Publications Inc, 1996.

BioShock. Boston/Canberra, Australia: 2K Boston/2K Australia, 2007.

Huxley, Aldous. Brave New World. New York, New York: Harper Perennial, 2006.

The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. Kyoto, Japan: Nintendo, 2000.

The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap. Osaka, Japan: Flagship (under Nintendo), 2004/2005.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Kyoto, Japan: Nintendo, 1998.

Orwell, George. 1984. New York, New York: Penguin, 1981.

Pineiro-Escoriaza, Juan C. Second Skin. Pure West films, 2009.

Second Life. San Francisco: Linden Lab, 2003.

Sim City. Emeryville: Maxis, 1989.

World of Warcraft. Irvine: Blizzard Entertainment, 2004.

Gather around Children, and let me tell you a story. A story of the underdogs from down under, and their legacy of overlooked brilliance.

Long ago in a console war far far away, the dynasties of Nintendo and Sega were at a stale mate. Leading SNES was legendary jump man Super Mario, while the flag of Genesis was single handedly kept up by the demon of speed Sonic the Hedgehog. In their never ending battle for dominance, they monopolized the entire interactive entertainment industry with no sign of slowing down (and for Sonic, that was quite literally). As the VG Universe nears toward the verge of a whole new generation (the 5th one to be exact), Nintendo sought out the allegiance of Sony for the construction of a whole new disc-powered gaming device to combat Sega’s new machine, the Saturn. Sony agreed, and began the blue prints of what would become the Nintendo Play Station. But just as the technology was within their grasp and all their hard work was about to pay off, Nintendo pulled the plug. They had been secretly giving their money and characters to Phillips behind their backs to work on the same thing. With no one to turn to, would Sony let everything they worked for die in vain?

It was the dawn of a new generation. If there was ever a time to make a move to shift the course of the war, now was the time to do it. With all the odds against them, Sony went along with the construction of their Play Station on their own. But who would lead them? Who would be the face of Sony Computer Entertainment, and go head to head with the Italian Stallion and the Blue Blur?

Here’s a hint: He’s orange, has a Mohawk, and would pilot a whole new dimension in platforming.

Even to this day, the story of the high spinning marsupial known as Crash Bandicoot still amazes me. Jason Rubin and Andy Gavin were your two every day team of programmer and artist just making games for the fun of it in their home town of Boston. In an industry that was, until then, completely dominant in Japan, their creation became the very first video game console mascot made in the U.S. Now they are famously recognized as the founders of Naughtydog, the company that brought us 2009’s Game of the Year, Uncharted 2 Among Thieves. This is how it all began.

Crash Bandicoot (1996):

"I am fully aware Nintendidn’t invite me to this party. So I Crashed!!!”

Very immediately when I turned on this game, one of the first things I noticed was the music. The xylophone jingles were unlike any theme music I have ever heard. They were so catchy, and immediately made me want to dance in place. Then I noticed the character animation. Unlike his Japanese counterparts, Crash was full of vibrant emotions, conveyed with unique gestures like the subtle shifts in his eyebrows. The humor of the game was reminiscent of classic Warner Brothers cartoons. I also loved the setting. It reminded me of Donkey Kong Coutnry’s jungles and Aztec ruins, but instead of the African Safari, we were now in the Australian Outback, home of the Aborigines, and some of the strangest most vibrant creatures in the world. Trust me when I say they took full advantage of that setting.

As much as I would like to say this game is just Mario 64 supplement for the PS1, The games actually play very different. While Crash Bandicoot did pilot the 3D platforming genre (Mario 64 releasing the following month), the level design was still very linear. The gameplay had the classic feel of moving through a hub map, selecting a level, then racing from the beginning of the level to the end. Some may say that sounds primitive compared to Mario 64’s exploration and open world innovations. I see it as a bigger focus on quick pacing and reflexes. The linearity of the levels also meant that we never had to worry about wonky camera angles that people familiar with the 3D Mario brand frequently had to put up with. (Don’t get me wrong Mario 64 was an iconic game. If you really want to hear about how good that game is, I’m sure Mr. Pranger would be more than happy to oblige.)

And don’t think that because this game was linear meant it was without its fare share of creative level design, like where you pitch a ride on a wild hog and steer it across the deadly terrain. Or the fact that this game practically invented Front-view Chase Sequences, in which the camera is aimed behind at the giant bolder rolling after you, and you only have an instant to react appropriately to the obstacles in front of you.

Let's talk plot.

Dr. Neo Cortex (criminal mastermind # Alpha-Nine-Delta) is experimenting with a device he calls the Evolvo-Ray, for the purpose of genetically mutating animals off the coast of N. Sanity Island, giving them primitive human intelligence and super human strength. Crash, an Eastern Barred Bandicoot, was meant to be the leader of his army for world domination, but ended up rejected by Cortex as being inferior and cast aside in favor of his other mutants. However while in custody, Crash had grown fond of his lady bandicoot cellmate Tawna. He goes on a quest to free her from the clutches of Cortex, and while he’s at it, he might as well stop this whole taking-over-the-world business. It’s not healthy. So… yeah, when you break it down, this is another simple case of Race to the end. Beat the bad guys. Save the girl. The End. But the stories of Crash games have always been more about the characters than the plot. All the bosses had such fun archetypal personalities. There was the fat tribe leader Papu Papu, the first three of Cortex’s other experiments: Ripper Roo a deranged Kangaroo in a strait jacket, Koala Kong the brute, Pinstripe Potoroo a trigger happy god-father weasel, and let’s not forget Cortex’s assistant, Potions Master Dr. Nitrus Brio (N. Brio for short).

In what was considered the Golden Age of platformers, while it may not be as lengthy, complex, or well known as other games of the same genre (particularly ones made by Rare), Crash Bandicoot was full of exciting moments, stark seamless animation, catchy and innovative music, and very colorful characters. Not a bad start for a couple of guys from the U.S. Needless to say, you should check it out as soon as possible.

To be continued...

Gus Townson also writes for his  Avatar the Last Airbender fanfic site at: http://avatarleo.wordpress.com/

Let's finish this out with a bang.

If you’ve been following along, I spent a day talking about Mario’s 2D career, then quickly followed it with a chat regarding his 3D endeavors. The next day was all about the spin-off series that spawned from Mario’s greatness. And then we took a Sunday drive with the Mario Kart series. After that it was on to the RPG’s, then sports, and yesterday was all about the Mario Party series. Today’s the final part of the Mario Retrospective, so I’m pointing out just a few other games that I couldn’t classify anywhere else, plus wrapping up my thoughts on Mario’s career as a whole. So for one last time, let’s-a go!

Mario Paint:

Mario, is there anything you aren't just naturally good at?

Good old Mario Paint. One of the few games I had on my SNES when I started out, Mario Paint had a little something for just about everyone. You could create pictures, make simple animation, compose music, color, and even play a small game where you swat flies. The game was simple but had plenty to do. It was also one of the few games to utilize the Super Nintendo mouse, which only made sense since you couldn’t really draw with a controller (well, maybe a Wiimote). The music composer alone was enough to get people going, and nowadays you can find homebrewed programs based off the Mario Paint composer software. Not bad for a game that’s nearly 20-years-old. So why now Mario Paint on the Wii? Hmm?

Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix:

What the heck am i looking at? Why am I looking at this? Who thought this was a good idea?

I had gotten into the DDR craze, just a bit. Not as heavily as people I know, such as Other Chris, but I wasn’t a stranger to the excellent game with the dance pad. When I heard that Nintendo would be releasing a Mario Mix for DDR, I was pretty excited. I figured it’d be similar to Donkey Konga where there’d be a lot of Nintendo favorites. I was heavily disappointed to learn that while there were a handful of Mario-based remixes, there weren’t any other Nintendo themes. I didn’t just want a Mario Mix, I wanted a Nintendo Mix. The game even had the audacity to have a story mode with the flimsiest plot I’ve ever heard of: Waluigi steals the music from the Mushroom Kingdom so Mario must get it back by dancing. First off, why Waluigi? That was strange enough. Secondly, why dancing? Just because, of course. Even more depressing was how easy the game turned out to be compared to real DDR titles. I beat the entire game while at work at Game Crazy. That’s sort of sad, but at least the game had some cool remixes, so I can forgive it just enough.

Mario Is Missing/Mario’s Time Machine:

Funny how edutainment games always make kids hate learning.

There are a lot of Mario edutainment games out there, and I can safely say that none of them are good, but Mario Is Missing has a special place in my heart since I’ve actually played it and actually beat it. As with both Mario Is Missing and Mario’s Time Machine, there was really no thought put into making a decent game but rather just A GAME, and they succeed at that, insomuch as there are certainly elements of games in these two examples. But I digress, there is no point to play these games ever, and that’s a shame, because the two concepts are pretty good. Having Mario kidnapped and forcing Luigi to rescue him is a good concept, hence why Luigi’s Mansion turned out to be a game I enjoyed, and sending Mario through time could have been a concept that turned into something epic. Instead we got two bland games that failed to educate and failed to entertain, making them edutailures. Sad but true.

Hotel Mario:

"Remember kids, just because it has Mario's name on it doesn't mean you HAVE to play it."

If you’ve heard of Hotel Mario, you’re already aware that it’s considered the worst Mario game ever. I haven’t played it myself, but I’ve seen multiple reviews and footage of said game, and it definitely looks bad. It was made for the Phillips CD-i, the failed system that Nintendo allowed Phillips to include Mario and Zelda games on, much to our dismay. I don’t even want to go into how unfortunate Hotel Mario is in terms of a project, being bumped down from a real sequel to Super Mario World to nothing more than…well I’m not really sure what it turned out to be. It’s just sad.

The Super Mario Bros Super Show:

These guys should have got an Emmy. I don't even care what for, but they earned it.

Back in the late 80’s/early 90’s, just about any licensed product that could become a cartoon was converted into just that, so the Mario Bros were given a live-action/animated program called the Super Mario Bros Super Show. There would be live-action sequences with Captain Lou Albano as Mario and Danny Wells as Luigi hanging around in their New York apartment being visited by celebrities and occasionally working as plumbers now and then. In between these live-action segments they’d run animated adventures of the Mario Bros that’d tend to favor the US version of Mario Bros 2 more than anything else. The show is naturally awful, but it’s a good kind of awful where you can really get into it with a group of people. A Super Mario Bros 3 cartoon soon followed, capped by a Super Mario World cartoon, but in total these series didn’t last very long. However, they survive on DVD, so check them out, if purely for the camp value.

Super Mario Bros The Movie:

Don't care, this movie is great.

If ever there was a worse representation of Mario and his adventures, I haven’t seen it, because the Super Mario Bros movie was about as wonderfully bad as it can get. There isn’t a single bit of this movie that really works, especially when you consider the source material it was based on. It was really odd that with so much fantasy to work with they managed to screw it up beyond repair. Mario and Luigi don’t don their trademark outfits until the last few minutes of the movie, Bowser isn’t even a dinosaur, and Princess Peach isn’t even the princess. Daisy is the princess for some reason, though in a really odd twist of fate, they hook Daisy up with Luigi in the end, something that Nintendo wouldn’t do for another eight years. How did they know? I highly, highly recommend checking this movie out, but not with the intent of seeing a good movie. This is the king of bad movies, but bad movies that end up being good. If only Schwarzenegger was cast as King Koopa everything would have been so much better.

My Final Thoughts:

Would it really be like that? You've gotta wonder.

I’ve been a fan of Mario since I can remember, way back when I could hardly play video games worth a damn. And he’s always been good to me. But there are some things I never really understood. Such as:

“Is Luigi Mario’s younger brother?” They’re shown in Yoshi’s Island as being twins, but in Mario RPG you can hear Luigi’s wish as mentioning he wishes he were brave like his older brother. I just never quite knew for sure.

“Will Mario and Peach ever really be together?” I don’t care if they ever do anything adult, that’s just juvenile to joke about anymore, I just want one time when they go out of their way to show that there is a definite romantic love between them. You don’t even have too marry them, but at least show them on a legit date or something.

“Are Luigi and Daisy really together?” Mario Tennis implies they’re together. Mario Power Tennis even has Daisy refer to Luigi with pet names. But Luigi still seems to pine after Peach. Anything there?

“Where do the Koopalings come from?” There are seven Koopalings, plus Bowser Junior, plus some Kid Koopas if you count the Mario Party games. Where do they come from? Is it similar to Yoshis where they just come from eggs? Or is Bowser actually a widow? Maybe Mario killed Bowser’s one true love years back and now he’s getting even by stealing Peach? Something to consider.

“Is Peach really a good ruler?” Her kingdom gets ransacked at least once a year by someone or other, and the very things that hold the fabric of reality together, such as the Star Wand or Music Crystals or some crazy jazz, is easily swipable and exploitable. While the Mushroom Kingdom does have an army and guards and such, they’d always fail if Mario didn’t bail them out. At least the price of an extra life has gone down from 100 coins to 50 in the Galaxy games. Good to know inflation isn’t a problem.

“How do they regulate the sporting seasons of the Mushroom Kingdom?” They go golfing, race go-karts, hold tennis matches, attend the Olympics, play soccer, and even hit some baseballs around from time to time. Do they have a set schedule for these seasons? Does the Mushroom Kingdom’s populace just know, “Okay, it’s May, that means tennis is on TV tonight, but next month they’ve got the Grand Prix, and for a week in between that Bowser’s gonna ransack the village, so I should probably go grocery shopping.” I know, it’s a fantasy world, but just consider it for a bit.

“Can Bowser/DK/Yoshi speak English?” The official language isn’t even important to me here, it’s just the knowledge of whether they can all speak one unified language. Yoshi has been known to speak directly to Mario multiple times, but he’s also depicted as having no real discernable speech. DK grunts and such but he’s spoken just fine in the Donkey Kong Country series. And Bowser, oh man, I’m glad they’ve got him back doing his dinosaur noises for speech, but they did give him actual voice acting for Sunshine. It was a mistake, but he can speak clearly when needed. He just shouldn’t.

“Why do they have only singular words voice-acted in Super Mario Galaxy?” This is my last question, but it’s my most pressing. I just finished replaying the first Galaxy and it bugged the hell out of me that Roselina would have fairly short bits of dialogue in text, but then singular words like “So” or “Go” would be voiced. Why? Why not just voice-act all her lines? The entire script for the game, dialogue and every little bit of text on screen, couldn’t be more than five Word Document pages long, with Roselina’s speeches being maybe a single page. Why can’t she just speak all the words? I can’t even imagine how embarrassing it was for the voice actress to go through that. Mercedes Rose, good on you for voicing the new princess, and so very sorry they didn’t let you speak more.

And that’s all for me. I’ve written eight articles now on Mario and his games, and there doesn’t seem to be any indication that his career will end anytime soon. He’s still the pinnacle of iconic for video games, and his newest game, Super Mario Galaxy 2, which I intend to review this next week, is the second-highest rated game ever, barely behind Ocarina of Time and just past the first Mario Galaxy (earlier this week it actually was the #1). But enough about my ramblings. I’m done talking, now it’s your turn. What memories do you have of Mario? What games didn’t I cover that you wished I had? Do you actually dislike Mario and never felt comfortable saying so? I’m giving you your opening to say something, so go right ahead. In the meantime, I have a new galaxy to explore. Thank you so much for-a reading my articles!

Need more retrospectives? Take a look at these:

-Zelda: A Retrospective

-My Little Pony: A Retrospective

-Crash Bandicoot: A Retrospective

Because when I think "army of bombs," I think "time for a party."

Ah! We’re finally getting down to the party! Mario’s career has gone in many, many directions, but still one of the most unexpected and influential had to be Mario Party. It spawned a whole new style of party games, beyond inventing a genre that would be copied over and over. So let’s get this party started right with the N64.

Mario Party:

Boy does this screen take me back to the good old days.

Flash back to fifth grade for a moment. I walk into class in the early morning and my friends start telling me about a new game they’d just heard about called Mario Party. I press them for the details and they tell me it’s a game where Mario and his crew play tons of mini-games and go around a board to earn coins and stars and what have you. And it’s also a big multiplayer game. I’m pretty jazzed, so I head home and anticipate my Nintendo Power to confirm these accusations. Sure enough, Mario Party was a real thing and I was psyched.

While I didn’t own it myself for a while, I had a few friends that did, meaning I was no stranger to the game and its intricacies. The single-player mode was enough to keep me busy in the meantime, especially the mini-game challenge prompting you to play through all the mini-games in a sort of a single-player adventure separate from the main game, but it was clearly the multiplayer games that got people going the most. I still say it holds up well, so grab it used and invite your friends over.

The game certainly wasn’t without massive flaws. I’m not even talking about the dreaded bleeding palms caused by rotating the control stick at insane speeds. In fact, I considered it a badge of honor to have a callous on my palm showing that I had routered it harder than anyone else. No, the place where the game breaks is Chance Time, also known as “Now the Computer Decides to Win Time” where coins and stars could be traded to characters seemingly at random. If you landed on the space things were mostly gravy since you could make sure not to screw yourself over, but if a computer character landed on Chance Time, you know for certain that your stars are gone. You could be ahead with five stars and lose them all two turns before the game ends, just because the computer landed on Chance Time. No me gusta.

Mario Party 2:

I see pirates, wizards, and cowboys, and astronauts on the front cover. Sold.

A lot of people consider the second Mario Party to be the best, and while I won’t argue, I also won’t agree. Why? Because it did away with the palm-routering that I enjoyed from the first game. Otherwise the game was nothing but better with more interesting boards and a ton more mini-games. I was impressed that they didn’t just take all the mini-games from the first Mario Party and plunk them in the sequel with a few new ones. Instead the sequel had an entire new roster of mini-games, plus a few retooled favorites from its predecessor. I found that very cool. I also liked that each board gave the characters a unique costume such as cowboy or astronaut. It was just cool. But there wasn’t a lot to say about the sequel since it was simply a progression of the concepts.

Mario Party 3:

Hey, more isn't bad, so the more the better. Right?

And that’s about what every new Mario Party game would be: Just a progression of the concept. Mario Party 3 did add Daisy and Waluigi as characters, something I liked to see since more is generally always better in video games, and it had a definite “story mode” to play through, and by “story mode” I mean a rough framework to encourage single-players to play when friends weren’t around. More mini-games were added and nothing seemed to detract from the previous game. I wasn’t quite sure what would be next for the series but I had a suspicion.

Mario Party 4:

Okay, maybe more can be bad.

The GameCube finally got a Mario Party game to call its own and no one was surprised. Graphics were improved, but unsurprisingly, not much else changed. And this was a problem because there wasn’t much of a reason for owners of any previous Mario Party game to buy a new one. Why would we want a new version of a game we already had? The controls stayed consistently good and the mini-games were always the star of the show with excellent new ones added all the time, but it hardly seemed worth buying again. You really had to be devoted to the party to continue buying the new games.

Mario Party 5:

See? This counts as another Mario sports title now.

Are you noticing a trend? Mario Party 5 was once again just a new collection of mini-games and boards, but this time a few extras were added such as a beach volleyball extra mode, an ice hockey extra mode, and the Super-Duel Mode which had you assembling a combat vehicle for battle against the computer or other players. Were these extras beyond the standard game enough to differentiate it from previous titles? Well, not really. It was definitely nice to have more to do, but I’ll tell you, I got this as a Christmas gift one year and found myself really surprised. It was a Mario game, and a good Mario game, but I had no real excited feeling when I unwrapped it. I just thought, “Oh, cool, I guess I like these games.” Oh well, a free game is a free game. If I had to suggest a GameCube Mario Party, I’d suggest 5.

Mario Party 6:

I hate it when the sun and the moon argue like this.

More new mini-games, more new boards, but where could they take the series now that they’d pretty much done everything? “Add a peripheral!” Naturally, this was the go-to solution and would be for a while, but for Mario Party 6 a microphone was added to the game, allowing you to use it for a few mini-games here and there. And that was pretty much it. How was the story? Oh, the sun and the moon are arguing over who’s cooler, so Mario suggests they just go get some stars. Alright then, fair enough. I found it odd that Mario Party 5 took DK out as a playable character and Mario Party 6 decided that was still totally fine. DK fans were surely miffed. And he still hasn’t come back as a playable character.

Mario Party 7:

This is really the only reason anyone owns Mario Party 7, be honest now.

Okay, there’s no surprise but Mario Party 7 is just more of the same. The microphone was included, DK was still excluded, and it got mediocre reviews at best. The only significant thing I remember is I worked at Game Crazy at the time and there was a GameCube system bundle that included Mario Party 7 and an extra controller, but the total price was only $100. That’s as good a deal as any I’ve ever heard. But the game itself? Feh. You could have eight players now with two players sharing a controller, but that was the only really new thing. The story was about as thin as it could be with Mario and his friends on a cruise without Bowser, making Bowser really angry. Hilarity ensues, supposedly.

Mario Party 8:

Wiimote gimmicks? Check, with gusto.

The first and so far only Wii incarnation of Mario Party is, as expected, just like the previous games but now with Wiimote controls. Nothing new added, nothing old removed. Oddly though, Nintendo as forced to issue a recall after the UK release of the game because it contained the word “spastic.” Why? Because “spastic” has an entirely different connotation in the UK compared to the US and is considered extremely offensive since it refers to the disabled. Oops.

Mario Party Advance:

Yup, that looks like a Mario Party game for the GBA alright.

I had expected there would be a Mario Party on a handheld eventually, but when Mario Party Advance came out I was entirely oblivious since, well, I didn’t care. The main fault comes down to a complete lack of multiplayer capabilities. I hate games that force multiplayer experiences, but c’mon, this is a Mario Party game. You need multiplayer support. And to make matters worse, there were only four playable characters. For shame. Top it all off with “Random Chance” as the reason for most game losses and I’m glad I passed.

Mario Party DS:

Maybe there's hope afterall for the franchise. Let's just hope it quietly fades away now.

Happily, the DS version did portable Mario Party right and included multiplayer, of which you only needed a single game card (though that’s with reduced features, as usual). Still, it wasn’t completely without merit. It got good reviews and it played well. Mostly, how could you pass up a Mario Party done right on a handheld? You couldn’t, not really. Check it out if that at all sounds like a good idea to you.

Okay, I think this party’s getting out of hand, so it’s time I called it a night. But the Mario Retrospective still isn’t over. I need to conclude things properly with a few Mario games I missed, plus just some overall impressions. Come back for that tomorrow.

Don’t forget to read up on all parts of the Mario Retrospective while you wait: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.

Can’t get enough Mario? Check out these articles:

-Mario: A Retrospective Part 8

-Let’s Think Deep: Achieving Perfection

-Ten Ways The Real World Would Ruin Video Game Worlds