Today is not Thanksgiving. However, tomorrow is Thanksgiving! How exciting! But after all that delicious turkey, hearty mashed potatoes, succulent spiral ham, decadent pie, savory gravy, scrumptious rolls…I had a point, right? Right! After getting stupidly full, what happens next? First, you pass out. Then, you wake up for seconds. Then you pass out again. At roughly this point it should be Black Friday, the single worst day of a retailer’s year. How can you survive the utter chaos? Read on my dear readers and we’ll help you out.
As with any other major shopping day, the first precaution you must take regards your battle strategy. Where will you be shopping? What deals do they have? Do you have a budget? If you aren’t aware of things and decide to shop around willy-nilly then you will fail Black Friday. It is not a day built for your wishy-washy attitude toward things. It is a day for winners, and dammit, you need to be prepared!
The best way to prepare comes down to the simple act of searching weekly ads. You should know by now what your favorite stores will be selling and whether it’s worth your time and energy. If Target has some particularly fantastic bedsheets on sale during Black Friday but Fred Meyer has nothing that interests you at all, simple choice here, go with what you know.
Secondly, you need to stock up on the essentials for shopping. You might as well treat this like a camping trip and Be Prepared, so do a quick check to see if your car has any gas, then if your debit account has any cash in it, and finally if your gun has any bullets in the chamber. There will be some excellent sales going on and nothing scares a crowd better and faster than a few well-placed shots to the air. I’d also suggest switching to a riot shield as it allows for better shoving power and protects well against trampling.
Possible felonies aside, you need a posse. No good Black Friday shopper is a lone wolf. You’ll be dealing with mob mentality out there and the best way to counteract that is pack sensibilities. The more people you have loyal to your cause, the greater the likelihood that you’ll get anything you want at the stores you visit. Attempting to pry a Zu-Zu Pet from a person in a one-on-one tugging match has a 50/50 chance of going in a direction you wouldn’t prefer, but add some strong helpers on your end and the results equal you getting your sale item with less physical harm. To yourself anyway. The other person will probably have a shoe in her right temple, but she isn’t part of your pack so forget her.
How about doorbusters? Let’s talk doorbusters. Most any store with some major sale will have specialty items on sale only to the first however-many customers that walk through the door. A Nintendo Wii at $100 for example (I don’t know of any sales like this, but just go with it). Only the first 50 customers are getting that insanely priced system, but a few hundred are going to line up expecting to be one of the first 50 since customers consistently don’t know how numbers work and throw logic out the window when they go shopping. Therefore, you need to make the tough call: Your first-stop store will be your primary goal. Be prepared to lose sleep because in some instances the only way to get in on these doorbuster specials is to be camped out like it’s for Queen tickets. You’re already tired from Thanksgiving, so bring a sleeping bag, a care package of turkey, and some Mad Libs and just plant yourself at the front of the line. Your shopping pack will come in handy once more for busting heads should anyone question your position at the head of the line.
But the biggest piece of advice I can send your way is the most vital: Do you really want to waste a perfectly good Friday? Studies have shown (I’d link to it, but what is this, National Geographic?) that while Black Friday sales appear to be the most amazing things heralded as the Second Coming of the Great Deal, most of said sales aren’t actually that great. Much of the time you’ll get suckered in to a store because they have rolling pins at an astonishing $1 a pin, but nothing else will be on sale. Still, you’ll end up spending nearly a hundred dollars on other things just to save a few bucks on a rolling pin. And then a month later that same rolling pin will be 50 cents. Black Friday is not really here for the shoppers; it is here for the corporations that prey upon shoppers.
However, this is not to say that the employees are in any way responsible for anything that happens during your shopping experience. They are innocents, much like the newly birthed Bambi, and you should treat them as such. Doomed employees, as no customer will heed my words, I recommend sawed-off shotguns and crucifixes. Lots and lots of crucifixes.
As for me, I will be staying inside where it is warm and safe and where the Thanksgiving leftovers are in full supply. I might even play a video game or two. But that’s just me. What are your Black Friday plans? Do you have a sale you’d like to tip everyone off to? Or a favorite store that always delivers the goods? Post a comment and spread the word. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find some maternity pants for Thanksgiving.
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